Joe Knows

Hola, amigos, and welcome back to another edition of Joe Knows. We have a slate of things to discuss today, so let's get started with:


1) Mike Rice is amazing and I love him.








During last night's game against the Bobcats, the Ol' Rice Paddy pulled out this gem in the first quarter:

Mike Barrett: "That's Adam Morrison's second foul and he'll be headed to the bench."

Mike Rice: "And that's bad news for the Blazers. If you're a Blazer, you want Adam Morrison out there on the court."

Harsh. If the fans in the Rose Garden could hear him, I like to think they would have started a slow clap for him as this statement sunk in. Also, I almost feel bad for pointing this out because I'm afraid some narc might change it, but Mikey's wikipedia page features this tidbit added by someone very, very wise:

"Rice is known as a red-faced and jolly family man, who enjoys drinking Bombay Sapphire tonics and really any gin and tonic for that matter or whiskey regardless of label, during halftime breaks or in between full time-outs."

I knew it! In my dreams Mike Rice always smells like Christmas trees...um...



2) Midseason Awards

Yes, yes, I know you're tired of reading every moron's opinion on who is the MVP, ROY, COY, etc etc. That's why here at Kobestoppers we're doing it a little differently.

MVP (Most Vicious Punking):



You know we're a bit biased here, this just happened on Monday, we already discussed it heavily, and it's Cheikh Samb, but still. Nasty.

Honorable mention: D-Wade over Okafor,
Lebron over Deng



ROY (Rabidly Overhyped of the Year)


Maybe I just hate JR Smith, but between his cocky-ass attitude, his horribly disgusting 'stache, and the huge amount of "Most Improved Player" hype surrounding him at the beginning of the year, I have been wildly unimpressed by this volume shooter's play this season.

Also, JR, it's called "defense." It's a concept wherein, in addition attempting to score the basketball yourself (called "offense," but you know that) you attempt to prevent the other team from scoring. It's sweeping the league.

Honorable mention: Ron Artest, The entire Clippers roster


COY (Creeper of the Year):


Eddy Curry.

The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky "in the nude," allegedly telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."

Enough said.

Honorable Mention: No one is even close.



DPOY (Douchebag Pompous-ass of the Year):

Yes, Kevin, we're talking about you. Stop sneering at us and listen for a seco...ok, get up off the ground and stop barking like a jackass, you're emba...uh...did you just spit on me?

No one has been a bigger D-bag this season than Kevin "The Big Ticket" Garnett. Whether he was pounding his chest and sneering at other players, getting down on all fours and barking like a dog at a rookie point guard, or screaming obscenities at fans at other arenas, Garnett's unique swagger, energy, and enthusiasm has been replaced by bigotry, pompousness, and flat-out disrespect. Boo.

Honorable mention: Kobe Bryant Mamba, Olowakandrew Vagynum, Lebron James, Stephon Marbury, Darius Miles


3) Are the Blazers going to make a trade?

The trade deadline is rapidly approaching and there has been rampant speculation as to what kind of tricks KP and the Blazers have up their sleeves. Let's take a look at some players that Kobestopper Joe thinks Portland might be interested in using RLEC on:

Gerald Wallace

Honestly, a week ago, this was my guy. Wallace is an incredibly high-energy player on both ends of floor, capable of getting to the rim, hitting the three, and soaring for great blocks and rebounds. Needless to say, he'd be an upgrade over Travis Outlaw.

That said, after Olowakandrew Vagynum collapsed Crash's lung, I'm not sure GW is a viable trade option for the Blazers anymore. Not that he won't come back 100%, but more that we are looking for a short-term veteran player to help us build for the next year or two, and this injury may cut into his usefulness.

Richard Jefferson

RJ has evolved from a highly-athletic, dunking, Kenyon Martin-type player (they played together in New Jersey, if you'll recall) into an all-around player who can shoot and play solid defense. His biggest downside? Rebounding, as he's only averaging 4.8 boards on the season.

After the loss of Redd for the season, the Bucks may be looking to snatch up an expiring contract and wait for 2010. I have no doubt that RJ would love to get off the Bucks and onto a developing, playoff-caliber team. The question is, how well will he produce when he is the third or fourth or even fifth option on the team?

Kirk Hinrich

I love Hinrich for this team. His defensive intensity is far greater than Blake or Sergio, and we would likely package one of these two with RLEC if we were to make a move for him. Also, Chicago is firmly entrenched in the beginning of the Derrick Rose era, so it's not like they're holding out on Hinrich as their point guard of the future.

Hinrich has had a little difficulty shooting and scoring since his outburst (45% from the field) in the 06-07 season. That said, we know he can shoot the ball and I think he would benefit massively from a player like Brandon Roy alongside him.


Afraid no one wants to trade with us after the Miles debacle? Check this out (Yes, Henry Abbott plays Settlers of Cataan. Yes, that is cool).



4) Some love for Nate Robinson

I was watching the Knicks-Hawks game last night (in which Nate Robinson went off for 20 fourth-quarter points) and noticed that Nate the Great give a nice salute to the crowd. A Knick-fan friend of mine passed along this tidbit:

Best story of the night: Anybody remember seeing Nate Robinson go to the free throw line on Friday night and salute the crowd? Turns out he'd been playing Call of Duty online and was telling people that he plays for the Knicks. When this was met with disbelief, he vowed to give a salute at the free throw line in his next game to prove his identity to everybody. Sure enough, any COD players watching the Knicks face the Grizzlies got a salute from their teammate. Somehow, that story is all you need to understand Nate Robinson's persona..

Yup, that's right folks, Nate Robinson is an avid Call of Duty player. I was embarrassingly excited when I heard of him potentially coming to the Blazers a few weeks ago. He doesn't play much defense, LOVES to shoot the ball, and isn't a real point guard (not to mention that he is approximately the size of a Smurf), but he salutes his CoD-playing friends at the free throw line. Oh, and he throws down nasty alley-oops.



OK, that's enough Nate-Rob love for today...Man three days off is a long time.

PS: Kirilenko having surgery, out another month. Have I mentioned I hate the Jazz?

PPS: Is it just me, or do the Suns play the Spurs eight times a season?

Quick Update: Rudy Responds!

Loyal readers (yeah, don't think I haven't noticed all you Johnny-come-lately's around here. I'll deal with you in good time...) will recall a certain post I made a few days ago regarding possible dunks for Rudy to perform in the contest.

I'm happy to inform you that upon my request, Rudy has taken a break from his busy playing schedule to review my suggestions and express his opinions (in English) to the Kobestoppers audience. So, without further ado, I give you Rudy "Vote Me" Fernandez:

The secrecies are shrouding my dunking prototypes. This is of necessity. But I have read your thought on the matter with interest.

5.) “Over the Rainbow”: I know that Portland has the greatest interest in hybrid vehicles. If I were to perform a hybrid of soccer and basketball, it would be a homage to this greeniness.

4.) “Star Trek VI”: Merely by thinking about this, I have thrown my real back out in the hypothetical attempting.

3.) “The Heart Throb”: I am concerned at the specificity of this suggestion. I am especially concerned about the chest-writing. I am most uncomfortable.

2.) “El Matador”: There is a fashion in which the motif of the bull-fighting might be corralled into a dunk. This is not it.

1.) “Cosas Buenas”: This has much in the ways of possibility. The phrase “Spanish condor” is a selling point. I am in the consideration mode!

To read more of El Mago's thoughts on dunking, Violet Palmer, and of course, his best bud Sergio, visit El Blog de Rudy.

Quick Update: Kobe Stopped

I had the esteemed pleasure of watching last night's matchup between the LA Kobe and the Charlotte Bobcats. I could tell from watching the first period that this was going to be a close game: the Bobcats were hustling on both ends and the Kobe was not matching that energy.

The game was really getting interesting when the flagrantly douchebaggish Andrew Bynum elbowed Gerald Wallace in the ribs on a drive with 2:08 in the fourth, resulting in a flagrant foul.













Not only did this lead to Gerald Wallace in extreme pain on the ground (current speculation includes broken/bruised ribs and even potentially a collapsed lung), but it led to the following conversation between the Bad Dudes:

Striker (10:08:47 AM): we really need to come up with a derogatory nickname for andrew bynum
Blade (10:09:29 AM): Gynum
Blade (10:09:35 AM): VaGynum
Striker (10:09:37 AM): Vagynum?
Striker (10:09:38 AM): yes
Striker (10:09:40 AM): thats it
Blade (10:09:40 AM): nice

Blade (10:09:41 AM): NICE

...and that's how legends are made.

Anyway, the Bobcats did their best to choke away their late lead by missing seven consecutive free throws at one point to allow the LA Kobe to force overtime. Unfortunately for the Kobe, Mamba fouled out in the first overtime:

I can't foul out! You fouled out! You can't call a technical on me...I'll call a technical on you!

So entering the second overtime, the best player on each team was out of the game. That's like the two football jumpball teams from Starship Troopers playing without Rico and Zander!

God the future is awesome. Wait, it's already here...

In overtime #2, the Bobcats managed to accidentally make some free throws, allowing them to hold on against the LA Kobe's fearsome overtime line-up of Fisher-Farmar-Vujacic-Odom-Vagynum. Ugh.

How fitting that the Blazers have to clean up the LA Kobe's east coast slop yet again. Revenge is on our minds, I'm sure.

Joe Knows: Assault with a Leather Weapon Edition

I'd prefer it if you didn't get in my way... Your loss.

Sweet sassy molassey.

Kobestopper Mike and I have been kicking around an idea for a post which showcases Brandon's "sneaky athleticism." It has become apparent to us that, not only is Roy's athleticism underrated (in the 2006 NBA draft combine, Brandon's vertical was 40.5", here are other NBA players for comparison), but he is sneakily explosive and will unexpectedly unleash something tremendous when given the opportunity. According to these people who probably have no credibility, Kobe's vertical is a mere 38". Suck it, Mamba.

Needless to say, we will no longer be worried about writing this piece. Anyone who reads this blog that still questions Brandon's athleticism is officially dubbed a Mambasucker, the lowest of the low.

An open letter to Cheikh Samb:

Dear Mr. Samb,

The Portland Trail Blazers would like to thank you for your contribution to the franchise's 2008-2009 NBA season. Your courage in the face of extreme adversity has resulted in a wonderful video clip and one of our best-selling posters of all time. In honor of your sacrifice, and on behalf of the entire Blazers organization, we would like to present you with this Brandon Roy-autographed poster of yourself.

Sincerely,

Larry Miller, Kevin Pritchard, and Paul Allen

PS: If you are interested in being an obstacle for the dunk contest, please respond to this email and we would be happy introduce you to Rudy Fernandez.

This was quite possibly the dunk of the year so far.



Sidenote:

I was at the game last night and with about 3 minutes left Clippers fans were leaving the stadium in full force. I thought I might try to get down by the tunnel so I could get an autograph or even just a high five. As I tried to make my way down there, I was stopped by a woman who takes tickets and told I couldn’t go down there.

I said, “But everyone is leaving, there’s no one down there. I’m just trying to see if I can say hey to any of the players.” She adamantly refused.

I then turned around to find an angry Staples Center manager or something giving me the stink-eye. I pleaded my case with him as well but he was quite rude, simply saying “you can either go back to your seat or you can leave.”

I guess the point is: is this typical of NBA arenas? I’ve been to the Rose Garden a couple times but never with decent enough seats to try to make my way down near the court. Besides, at the RG fans actually stay to the end of the game, so its not like its wide open.

I mean, I’m sorry, but I thought this was America?! Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it was America.

Blah blah blah security and all that, but c’mon. It's a spectator sport.

Running Diary - Blazers at Clippers

1/26/09
7:19, PST

No time to waste, maniacs. Settle into your seats and grab your favorite brand of cheese-flavored aerosol paste, because Ol’ Mike’s got a buttload of pre-game observations for you:

7:20 – Let it be known: Kobestopper Joe is actually at this game, braving the City of Angels while wearing nothing but his LaMarcus jersey, all for the good of this site. OK, so he’s probably wearing some green pants, too. Whatever. Joe has promised to send me texts during the game, and I will keep you abreast of his courtside observations through the use of the STRIKER UPDATE mechanism.

7:21 - We need to blow these guys off the floor. They’re bad at their jobs.

Random Note: Check this out – yet another amusing Google search somehow landed a would-be Monty McCutchen assassin to our little corner of cyberspace.

7:22 - Stevsie is back in the starting lineup for the game tonight, unbeknownst to Mike Rice. A smirking Mike Barrett arrogantly questions Rice’s choice of Sergio as tonight’s X-Factor, postulating that Rice’s choice might have been different had the coach known of Blakey’s return. Luckily for Barrett’s nearly-orphaned children, Rice quells the hellish rage within his eyes and decides not to swallow his broadcast partner whole.

7:26 - CSN flashes a graphic titled “Let Me Assist You” while Michael and Tony talk about Sergio’s increased playing time and his 10.9 dimes per 48 minutes. Really, Comcast? That’s the best you got? Let me assist you? The correct title for that graphic was clearly “Assister Act.” You know it. I know it. The American people know it.

7:27 - Party Works still sucks.

7:28 - Greg and LaMarcus are super white-hot fire right now. Let’s give them the ball.

7:32 - Michael Holton pulls a General Zod and DEFIES his floor director, who is undoubtedly making the universal “wrap it up” sign. Holton calmly ignores the headset-wearing peon standing beside camera three and proceeds to talk at light speed for 20 seconds, finishing his rant about scouting reports and player tendencies with a satisfied half-smile. You guys remember when Tony Dungy sent the punt unit out on the field for a fourth-and-short, and Peyton Manning emasculated Dungy in front of the entire world by sending the punt unit BACK OFF the field? That’s what Holton just did to his floor director.

Michael Holton: Player of Basketball, Speaker of Words, Crusher of Souls.

7:34 – A BAD ASS hype video set to AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” is totally ruined by the Blazer theme performed by some band called Western Ariel. Why, God?

7:35 - On a scale of one to ten, with one being Alec Baldwin and ten being Jan Brady, how jealous do you think the Clipper Girls are of the Laker Girls? Eight? Nine?

7:37 - Mike Rice points out that Mike Dunleavy won Coach of the Year as Blazers coach during the ’99-’00 season. He neglects to mention that Dunleavy also won the coveted “Reddest, Puffiest Face of the Year” and “Worst Hair of the Year” awards that season and every season thereafter.

First Quarter

7:40 – STRIKER UPDATE: “I can’t believe Fred Jones is starting for the Clippers.”

Me either, buddy. Um…go Ducks?

7:41 – Brandon hits from 12 to start. Freddy answers right back with a three-pointer as if to say, “F--- you, Striker.”

7:44 – Steve looks like a bionic commando with that shoulder pad on.

7:47 – Brian Skinner, having apparently recovered from his flu, accidentally runs into Brandon and is whistled for the foul. After the collision, we’re treated to this exchange:

Barrett: …And Brian Skinner is called for the foul on Roy.
Rice: …mmm…yeah…mm…
Barrett: Well, I don’t think he meant anything by it…
Rice: I dunno…Anybody with gold at the bottom of their beard…I dunno.
Barrett: …We…uh…apologize…

7:48 – STRIKER UPDATE: “AWESOME Clips fan behind me: ‘gotta watch out for Brandon Roy, he’s gonna hit ’em allll day loooooonng on us.’”

7:53 – Greg is catching the ball with excellent position down low. When he’s that deep, it’s all over for the defense. Excellent back-to-back defensive possessions for us just now. That might be a first.

7:55 – STRIKER UPDATE: “An ALIEN just wandered on the court wearing a Blazer jersey.”

Lookin' good, Travis.

7:58 – Aflac time! Is it me, or are these questions getting easier and easier to understand? Two Blazer coaches have won Coach of the Year. Who are they? Well, as Rice pointed out in the pre-game, Dunleavy is one. The other could be Ramsay in ’76-’77. Or, it could be Adelman in ’91-’92. That team won, like, 68 games or something. I’m going with Adelman.

7:59 – Freddy’s really earning that 10-day contract. He’s 3-3 from three-point range with 11 points total. STRIKER UPDATE: “Fred Jones is killing us.”

No s---, green pants. 22-21, Clips.

Second Quarter

8:05 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Mmmm…ultimate nachos.”

It’s always food with him. Even when we were fighting f---ing ninjas in the f---ing White House, Joe had a corn dog in one hand the entire time. Unbelievable.

8:09 – There’s a quick shot of Paul Allen sitting with old friend Dan Akroyd. The former Elwood Blues appears to be sporting some rather large sunglasses, assumedly to avoid the riot that would break out when the 34 fans at the game noticed he was in attendance. You know, because he’s still REALLY famous and everything.

Three to one says less than 10 percent of the fans in attendance under the age of 30 could pick Dan Akroyd out of a lineup. Luckily, I would be among those in “the know.” I wonder if he’d sign my copy of “The Great Outdoors?”

8:11 – Oh my GOD. Rudy. Hook pass. No looking. Alley-oop Slamfest. LaMarcus.

I hope Joe brought a change of drawers after that one. Tied at 31.

8:22 – Blakey gets drilled by a Skinner pick and has to leave the game. Maybe Mike Rice was right about not trusting dudes with dyed beards…

Also, Greg absolutely MUST communicate to Steve on that pick. Let him know it’s coming, big man!

8:24 – I’M OLD GREGGGG!!!

8:29 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Oh, God. So many jalapenos. Also, how are they getting offensive boards over us?”

I have no idea, buddy. Hey! Jessica Alba!

Go get her, Joe. Remember your training.

8:31 – Brandon has 20 after back-to-back threes. Scratch that, 22. STRIKER UPDATE: “Has Roy missed? Eric Gordon is going to be a good player.”

No, he has not missed, and yes, E-Gord is going to be good. In my opinion, he looks like a young A.I. at times. 49-48, Blaze.

STRIKER’S HALFTIME THOUGHT-STRAVAGANZA:

- B-Roy is God.
- Let’s keep pounding it in to Greg
- We need to box the f--- out.
- Indians are dancing to Lil’ Wayne at halftime
- RLEC for Fred Jones? Hahahaha.
- Also, we just got called “the rowdy row” by some bitch that works at Staples.

Always the class act, Joe. To that, I will add:

- The defense needs to pick it up. Come on fellas, defend the pick and roll like you’re adults, huh?
- Nic, you need to stick to Gordon like glue. He is their only hope.
- Looks like Steve’s out for the second half, so Sergio and BayBay need to stay consistent.

Third Quarter

8:53 – Serge steals the ball and hits LMA on the trail for an easy jam. I like this very much.

8:54 – Ho. Lee. Sheeeeeeaaaaaaattt.

BAFFLED STRIKER UPDATE: "Holy s---, was that pass by Serge for real?"

It was indeed, Joseph. My jaw is still on the floor.

8:59 – Greg is too deep. Bad news for DeAndre Jordan. The celebration is short-lived, however, as Greg is then immediately Violet Palmer’d for his third foul.

9:02 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Little boy to cool Clips fan: ‘stop number seven.’ Cool man: ‘you can’t stop number seven.’”

9:07 – This Barq’s root beer is even frostier and tastier because I’m drinking it out of my Terry Porter Dairy Queen glass.

Mmmm. Delicious.

9:08 – Gordon throws one down in transition, but BRANDON ANSWERS RIGHT BACK!!!!!! Oh my GOD. I literally woke up the cat with that exuberant shriek I just made. Cheikh Samb, I do not know where you are from, but wherever that may be, you need to just pack up and go back home, my friend. You can’t recover from this.

Brandon dunked his f---ing headband off.

STRIKER SAYS: “Oh my God. I have never seen Brandon dunk on someone’s face like that.”

Me either, dude. I still don’t know if that actually happened. That was an MJ-style, “SIT CHO ASS DOWWWWN” jam.

9:13 - FROM THE DESK OF STRIKER: “The loudest this place has been was when they showed Jessica Alba on the jumbotron.”

Weak, Clipper fans. Really weak. Like, THIS is how weak you are.

9:18 - Rudy hits a three to end the quarter. Beautiful pass by Pryz.

STRIKER MUSES: “Great play by Rudy. He’s a basketball player.”

Right you are, Ken. 77-73, Blaze.

Fourth Quarter

9:19 – STRIKER COMMANDS: “I have good vibes about this fourth quarter. Striker says make it so.”

Travis seems to have heard him. He has seven points in two minutes so far. 85-73, Blaze.

9:26 – Aflac answer: Mike Shuler. Huh. Would not have guessed that. Actually, I didn’t guess that. You guys need a new basketball expert. I’m terrible.

STRIKER LIES: “Mike, for the last time, you are NOT a basketball expert. I bet you a bag of peanuts Mike Barrett just said ‘it’s Brandon Roy time.’”

Well, well. It would seem that Ol’ Joe now owes the EXPERT a bag of peanuts.

9:34 – We’re on a 15-3 run through the first six minutes.

9:38 – STRIKER SUPERIORITY COMPLEX: “And the Clipper fans head to the exits. Disgraceful.”

As I mentioned previously: weak, Clipper fans. Weak.

9:43 – Rudy attempts to use his Spanish charm to woo Violet Palmer into changing her call. Violet does not appears to be phased. How strange. I wonder if Rudy will blog about this later.

9:44 – Novak misses the FT to screw up a four-point play. Lucky.

9:46 – Rudy slams the door shut with a steal and behind-the-back dish to Travis for the jam plus the foul. The Jell-O’s gigglin’, maniacs.

STRIKER CONFRONTATION: “Annoying teenage Clips fan: ‘Greg Oden only plays garbage minutes.’ Me: ‘You’re losing by 17 points.’ Then Greg had a huge dunk and a huge block.”

Victory strikes again for the Bad Dudes.

Blade and Striker take no prisoners.

Final Score

Blazers: 113
Clippers: 88

Post-Game Thoughts

- Brandon had 33 for the game, and Travis had 16 in the fourth quarter. This helped us win.

- Brandon’s dunk will forever be stamped into my cortex. I will wake up every day for two weeks with a smile on my face because of that moment. As God as my witness, I WILL own that poster the second it is printed.

- I hope Stevesie is OK.

- Sergio is really coming into his own. So much so that I’ve decided to drop Blake and pick him up in my fantasy league. I have a bad feeling about Steve’s shoulder re-injury tonight. We’ll see if this pays off.

- We’re playing the Charlotte Hornets tomorrow, apparently. CSN, fire your graphics designer. Seriously.

I’ll end on one last thought from Joe.

STRIKER CONCLUSION: “Assholes at Staples Center won’t let me get down to get my jersey signed. I had a small conniption.”

I figure Joe’s about eight beers deep at this point, so the likelihood he actually got into a scrap with the usher is probably a coin flip. More on this as it develops.

Blowin' UP: Blogfest at Powell's

Big news at Kobestoppers central today: Our good friends at Blazer's Edge are hosting Free Darko blogger Bethlehem Shoals at Powell's Books in downtown Portland on Monday, February 9th at 7:30.

Who is this Bethlehem Shoals fellow, you ask? Well, only a contributing author of The Macrophenomenal Basketball Almanac, a fantastic addition to your basketball library which delves into the cerebrum of some of the most fascinating figures in the NBA (except for a few...like B-Roy, Oden, Rudy, and Ike Diogu...ok, maybe not Ike, but you can tell I have a bone to pick).

In any case, various figures in sports (and Blazers) media will be there and everyone is invited! Mike and I will be there, chatting it up and schmoozing with whoever will talk to us. We will also be happy to sign whatever tattered fast food receipts you think are worthy of our signature (bring your own pen!).

I will direct you here for further instructions.

PS: Word is that the instupituous Steve Blake may return to the lineup for tonight's game against the Clipshow. He is listed as questionable. Mike Rice can barely keep his pants on.

Links! Basketball Links!

What's crackin' maniacs? Everybody good and pumped up for tonight's game?? I know I am. Kobestopper Joe is even attending, live and in person. No, really. He's there. Right in the heart of the lion, gettin' ready to stomp those...uhh...

Wait, who are we playing again?

Ah yes. The Clips, of course. How could I forget? We need to take this game seriously.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "Mike, you're a huge loser. You're afraid of everybody we play. Just relax. The Clips are lousy. They got lucky last time."

To that, I will respond with this: First, there is no such thing as luck. The way the ball bounces is preordained by a merciless band of omnipotent, drunken space elves. Second, as I've learned from years of tutelage under both Bas Rutten and Pat Morita, it is ALWAYS a bad idea to underestimate your opponent.

Now that we're all convinced we need to play hard for 48 minutes in order to beat this talented but underachieving Clippers squad, time to move on to...oh, actually...you know what? Never mind. It seems I've made a bit of an error in judgment, here.

Allow me to present the Clips' box score for their most recent game.

So, let me get this straight.

Baron, Kaman, Z-bo and Taylor are all out, and Camby, Skinner and Collins are all day-to-day?

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008-2009 Los Angeles Clippers!!!

Seriously, how are all 18 people in the Kobe Center going to contain their laughter during the starting lineups??

"And NOOOOWWWWWWWWWW........... AT CENNTERRRRRRR........... SIIXXX FOOT ELLEVVVENNNN.... UNNNNNDRAAAFFFFTED OUT OF TEXXXXASSSS AYYY ANNNN EMMMMMM...... NUMBER NIIIIINE......... DEEEEE-AHHHNNNDRAAYYYYYYYY JOOORRRDAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!!"

God, can you even believe that? DeAndre Jordan? Really??? I feel like we should start a Frye/Shavlik/Diogu frontcourt just to make the first half interesting. Those poor bastards might as well throw Bow Wow and Frankie Muniz out there.

In honor of the impending Clipper evisceration, we're doing an ALL ZACH RANDOLPH links post today. Feel better, big guy.

Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry, couldn't keep a straight face with that one. I hope that knee f---ing disintegrates. I really do.

He's a classy guy.


We're just warming up. That's what you call a little Zach-atizer before the main course.


"Cause he's a good team player, and he's a good shooter."

Um, I don't know where you're getting your information there, Little Zack, but neither of those qualities have ever been attributed to Big Zach. By anyone. Ever.

By the way, I couldn't embed the video. Sorry to all those especially lazy readers out there.


"I don't even know what he's doing, Leo."


Hey, remember when we had to watch this kind of stuff on a nightly basis? Wasn't that fun? MAN, I miss that.


"Come own eeeen. Come own EEEEEEEEEN."


Be forewarned. This is only for the especially masochistic. Behold: a day in the life of Z-bo as documented by a website for student athletes. He's changing his image. No, really, he is. New York's going to be different. Awwww, look at him play with the kids. Isn't that sweet? Hey, why are all those photographers around? Whatever. It's for the kids, right? Yeah, totally.


Night at the Starbury


No comment.

Running Diary - Wizards at Blazers

1/25/09
6:47, PST

Pre-game thoughts

- I was able to flip on Comcast early enough to catch most of the pre-game show. I just want to take this opportunity to pat myself on the back and say, “great decision, Mike.” The package of Sergio playing a full-court game with all these elementary school kids was absolutely priceless. Somebody should tell Serge that he probably shouldn’t show off his sick handles and obvious superiority when playing against children half his height. It was eerily similar to Cosmo Kramer’s karate class. Oh well, something to work on for next time, right?

- This was an especially amusing Google search that navigated yet another inevitably unsatisfied customer to the Kobe Stop Shop. To answer your question, dear reader, I have absolutely no f---ing clue why everybody goes crazy for Brian Scalabrini.

- Don’t catch the Songaila. I hear it’s been going around.

- Thank GOD I’m finally getting to watch a game in HD around here. I was losing my freaking mind. Seriously, I felt like an animal while I was watching that standard-def garbage. It was like some wild beast was pooping on my eyeballs or something. I even stopped using utensils to eat my traditional in-game meal, because I didn’t really see the point in adhering to the simple f---ing conventions of common f---ing courtesy while right before my very eyes my f---ing intelligence was being insulted by THIS PUTRID OPTICAL ONSLAUGHT OF BLURRINESS AND SORROW.

- Joe Prunty: I like you OK, but you’re no Dean Demopoulos.

Time for some Kobestoppers’ Mini-Keys:

- Hold Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison to fewer than 40 points combined. Make them take tough shots, and don’t lose Nick Young around that three-point line, especially in the second half.

- Establish Greg down low early and often. The Wiz should have no answer for his size and growing offensive repertoire. Heck, even run the offense through him. I think we’ve reached that point, don’t you?

First Quarter

7:11 – We start the game with two ugly possessions, and we give up an uncontested lay-up. Great.

7:13 – Brandon drives though traffic and switches hands about four times, mid-air, before finally deciding, “yeah…I think I’ll use my right hand for this one. Yeah, let’s use Ol’ Righty. You know, just to mix it up.” Something tells me he’s looking to get started early and regain that 52-point form.

7:17 – Non-existent charge called on Greg. Thank you, Steve Javie! That’s EXACTLY what our young center needs! We wouldn’t want him to get TOO comfortable with his back to the basket, now would we? Mmmmmm? Mmmmmmm?

**makes Judge Smails face**

7:22 – Sexy jump hook by Greg. He’s looking sharp on offense and affecting shots on defense. Take that, Steve Javie.

7:24 – LaMarcus absolutely emasculates Jamison down low and dunks the ball like he wanted revenge on it for slapping his mama.

7:25 – LMA does the exact same thing on the next possession. Seriously, Antawn may want to go back to the locker room and get checked out by the team physician. You know, just to make sure he’s okay after those back-to-back on-court castrations.

7:27 – The Blaze are playing excellent team D. If we’d stop turning the ball over, we’d probably be up 19 instead of nine.

7:30 – Aflac time! Wilt grabbed the most boards ever against the Blaze with 31. Who is second on that list? My money (for the first time ever, incidentally) is on Kareem.

7:33 – I’m pretty sure Trav actually left the troposphere on that put-back attempt. Unfortunately, he was shoved during the play, so he missed the shot. What’s that? Hahahaha, no, no, of course there were no whistles. Why would there be? You clearly haven’t watched enough NBA basketball. Silly goose. The good news is that despite the missed bucket, Trav did register an offensive rebound. If he grabs five total tonight, Mike Rice has promised to take him out to lunch. There’s a sitcom premise if I ever saw one.

Sidenote – The new “Courtside” commercial is hilarious for multiple reasons, but I was actually quite impressed with Mike Barrett’s handles. Watching him spin that ball on his finger and rifle that left-handed chest pass, I immediately entertained the possibility that Barrett is a baller and smiled with delight at the prospect of playing with him in a pickup game. Watching Rice and Wheeler, however, I could only think of that disgusting, gluey, ice-cold porridge I was made to choke down every morning as a youngster. Yuck.

Second Quarter

7:39 – Our energy sucks to start the quarter. Looks like we’ve slipped into our well known but widely despised “well, these guys aren’t that good, so let’s just start screwing around” mode. The Wiz are on a 12-3 run.

7:43 – Greg is everywhere. He’s crashing the boards, moving his feet on defense and getting great position down low. He’s doing everything right. His energy is keeping us alive during this otherwise frustrating mental lapse. He just drew a charge against Jamison. Greg for president.

7:51 – A beautiful double team forces the Wiz to throw it away. On the break, Rudy lobs to Brandon who misses a tough finish, but the rebound is put back by Travis with a thunderous jam. What do you bet Travis was muttering “Applebees, Applebees, Applebees…” to himself as he sprinted toward the rack for that jam?

Mike Rice: master motivator.

8:03 – Well, the game has sort of deteriorated to what I would lovingly refer to as either “rat” or “jungle” ball. We’re up 36-28, but I’m having a hard time keeping track of the game due to both the sloppy play and my roommate playing “Velociraptor Safari” on his laptop right next to me. And yes, it is EXACTLY as cool as it sounds.

8:06 – Sergio fouls Caron on a three-point attempt with 4.9 seconds left in the half. How do you say “stupid” in Spanish? 39-31, Blazers.

Halftime Thoghts

- Greg is awesome.

- Antawn Jamison forgot to show up in the first half. Don’t expect him to repeat his performance for the last two quarters.

- Make some shots, and we will win this game. Seriously, we had to shoot like 15 percent in that second quarter. Make shots. Win the game. No, I don’t…I said…I SAID I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, OKAY? THE LAST THING I NEED IS THE F---ING “THERE’S MORE TO THE GAME THAN SHOOTING” SPEECH FROM F---ING HOOSIERS RIGHT NOW, OKAY??? JUST…just…make some shots, and everything will be cool. Okay, hands in.

**looks around huddle with intensity**

I love you guys. TEAM!!!

Third Quarter

8:30 – Sergio dishes to Nic, then Roy for back-to-back treys. It would appear that we’ve suddenly remembered how to shoot the basketball. Unfortunately, so have the Wizards. Looks like the two-headed, white-wig-wearing dog monster known as CarAntawn is heating up. By the way, Brandon has six steals.

8:31 – Just so you guys know, “GRED ODEN” cups are now available for purchase at McDonald’s. Nicely done, CSN graphics designer.

8:33 – Nicolas does his best Dominique Wilkins impression off another Sergio assist. I actually shivered when he threw that one down.

8:34 – I’M OLD GREGGGGGG!!!! Sergio has six dimes in six minutes of second half play. And there’s ANOTHER dunk from Greg, this time off an unbelievable touch pass from Aldridge. Man, we’re moving the ball around like we warmed up to Sweet Georgia Brown tonight.

8:41 – We’ve regained that first-quarter swagger. Excellent energy out of the first unit here to start the second half. 66-44, Blaze.

8:46 – Rice comments on Nic’s “grace” and “agility.” Agreed.

8:47 – Songaila tries to infect Pryz, but instead just ends up fouling him, thank God.

Fourth Quarter

8:54 – An injured DeShawn Stevenson makes an on-screen cameo. He’s sporting a bowtie and a blue crushed velvet jacket. Hmmm. Maybe he lost a bet, or…oh, wait, I KNOW. He’s probably friends with Kanye! Duhhhh.

9:10 – Just in case you were, um, distracted by my – I mean, YOUR – roommate’s new laptop fixation, “Jetpack Brontosaurus,” I’ll give you a quick recap of the last 15 minutes.

- Roy hit from 16, pushing the lead back to 20.

- Rudy is 0-7, and the bench is 1-16. Yes, that’s correct. Our bench is shooting 6.5 percent from the field. Woof.

- The Wiz drilled back-to-back threes to cut the lead to 14 with 9:30 to go.

- The answer to the Aflac Random Stab was Wes Unseld. Why didn’t I think of that? It’s always somebody who used to play for the team we’re currently playing. Maybe I should call Sylvan Learning Center.

- Greg has 18 points and 14 boards. It feels like he’s got about 9 dunks, too. Anyway, back to the game:

9:11 - Rudy finally hits an open three, and Brandon swipes his eighth and NINTH steals!! Holy crap. He’s got 22/6/6 and nine steals…wait…TEN STEALS!! That's not possible! That’s an NBA JAM stat line!!

Unreal. Just unreal.

9:14 – Back-to-back Wiz threes cut it to 14 with two minutes to go. Why can’t we ever step on an opponent’s throat? Frankly, it’s getting pretty annoying. Nate seems to feel the same way. I would NOT want to be in that huddle right now.

9:18 – It’s 96-84, and the Rose Garden is rabid with Chalupa lust. Travis steals, scores, and then scores again on the next possession!!! Cha-lu-pas! Cha-lu-pas!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Final Score

Blazers 100
Wizards 87

Final Thoughts

- Brandon set a franchise record tonight for steals in a single game. God, he’s so cool.

- Greg has arrived. I’m crowing his ass. He is who I think he is. Old Greg is also Rapidly Maturing Greg. Beware, rest of the Association, for many dunks and blocked shots are coming your way.

That's it, maniacs. Nice win tonight. Good effort out of everybody. High fives.

Now go out and buy some rotten fruit to throw at Zach on Monday.

Update: To read a equally funny and well-written play-by-play of last night's game, check out Truth About It for a Wiz fan's point of view.

Top 5: The Dog Guy

Joe pointed this out to me today. I thought you might like to know that Bill Simmons' dog died.

Oh, what's that? You don't care? Wow. Imagine that. Here you were, looking for a sports column, and instead you ended up with a great big heaping pile of sentimental memories. How disappointed you must be.

Here's an excerpt of my IM conversation with Joe during which he sent me the link to the article in question. As you can tell, Joe was a little...um...animated, let's say.

Striker: we should make a quick note
Striker: about how bill simmons has written quite possibly the least-relevant article ever posted on espn
Blade: really?
Blade: what'd he write about?
Striker: his dog died
Blade: oh no
Striker: and he wrote an incredibly long rambling article about it
Striker: which they link to off of the front page
Striker: i mean
Striker: come ON
Striker: yes, thats sad
Striker: fine
Striker: whatever
Blade: i swear to god, simmons has the greatest job in the entire world
Blade: better than the president. better than King of Persia.
Striker: im not going to read a f---ing 2500 article on your f---ing dog that i have no attachment to and have never heard a single thing about in my life
Striker: jesus christ
Blade: carte blanche, dude
Striker: f--- espn for posting that garbage
Blade: he can do whatever he wants
Blade: with no consequences
Blade: none
Striker: f--- him for being so goddamn high and mighty that he thinks everyone else gives a f---
Striker: well yes he CAN do whatever he wants
Striker: we can write whatever we want on our blog
Blade: right
Striker: but we wouldnt do it
Blade: no
Striker: because it would be f---ing retarded
Blade: preach it
Striker: anyway
Striker: thats my rant
Striker: he can have whatever ridiculous opinions he wants, about whatever sports he wants
Striker: but for gods sake
Striker: WRITE ABOUT SPORTS

Look, as a former regular reader of the Sports Guy, I have to give him his due. His informal, stream-of-consciousness style of writing was fun to read and gave me something to aspire to as an 18-year old sports fan and writer. I imagine it's pretty clear to all fifteen people who read my stuff that my writing style is basically a cheap Sports Guy knockoff, which I'm fine with. Simmons is funny, and a ton of people read his stuff.

We may not always agree with his opinions, and we may think that often times he writes with about as much humility as Judge Smails plays golf, but all that would be forgivable if he would just go with what brought him to the dance.

Is it sad his dog died? Absolutely. That sucks. Bill, If you need to take some time off and write something in order to deal with your loss, we totally understand.

But I don't want to read about it on ESPN.

I know you're not a journalist, and I'm not saying you should be. Actually, I can't think of anything I'd rather be less than a journalist right now. But you ARE a sports writer for America's biggest sports media outlet, and it seems like you've been forgetting that fact more and more frequently.

It's fine if you don't want to write straight sports. Mixing personal anecdotes and pop culture references into the body of a column provides color and is hands down more entertaining to read than a stat sheet. Or, if you want to get more serious and write about life and death, that's OK, too. The piece you wrote about Jas Shaw's death was excellent. Outside of the 800 words you spent recapping the plot of "The Wire," I mean.

Bill, the bottom line is this: I'm afraid after reading that column that I can no longer halfheartedly defend you. Like my quasi-allegiance to the Kansas City Chiefs for no reason other than Joe Montana being traded from my beloved Niners, so too must my sometime loyalty to Bill Simmons die painfully in the fires of sports hell.

Am I just as bad for devoting an entire post to why I'm upset with Bill Simmons, even though he has no idea who I am? Actually, I think that makes me worse. Ah, screw it. So, I'm a hypocrite. That's not such a bad thing to be, right? And this list is going to be so much fun.

Here are the top five things we're tired of Bill Simmons writing about instead of sports:

5) House, The Guy Who Knows Things, and "that one time in Vegas..."

I don't care about the text that House just sent you, Bill. I really don't. But you know what I care about even less? That incredible run you had at the blackjack tables at 4 AM that one time. Write about sports.

4) That cute thing that his daughter did - aka "How can I reconcile my love for my little girl with my hatred for the WNBA."

I'm sure your daughter is lovely, Bill. We get it. You're a dad. Things are changing for you. We all hate the WNBA. Write about sports.

3) His dog, now, apparently.

For the love of God, write about sports.

2) "You guys know I totally worked on Jimmy Kimmel Live, right? It was pretty much the coolest thing in the ENTIRE WORLD."

Blah, blah, blah. Cousin Sal. Adam Corolla. Blah blah. Matthew McConaughey.

Write about sports.

1) The Sports Gal

We have our own wives and girlfriends, Bill. Well, not me, because I'm a huge loser...but a lot of your readers have their own wives and girlfriends, Bill. They understand the difference between men and women. They read sports in order to ESCAPE the nagging and the US Weekly and the Dr. Phil, not to read about how you're suffering through all that during your personal adventure in marriage.

Write...well, you know.

Running Diary - Lebron vs. Blazers

What better way to cure a massive bout of diary-ah than with some extra strength running game diary of our beloved Trail Blazers versus the Cleveland Lebron? None, I say. So here we go:

Pre-game Thoughts:

- I can already tell, the emotions in this game are going to run high. After what happened last year on this court, you know the Blazers are looking for revenge. The Cavs have a less-than-perfect road record, with all 8 of their losses coming off away games. I wouldn’t call it bad blood, but it is definitely spirited rivalry at the least.

- In order for Greg to have an effective night he needs to STAY OUT OF FOUL TROUBLE. This means perimeter defense on Lebron, Mo Williams, and other drivers to keep Oden from picking up fouls. There, I’ve told you what to do. Now do it.

- Hand in hand with my previous bullet is this: make Lebron shoot from outside. He’s shooting 29% on three-pointers this season. Make him beat us from there.

- I just found out that us lucky league pass watchers are being treated to the Cleveland broadcast, so get ready for more “L-Trains,” “Throw the hammer downs,” and “In the Rose Gardens” than a sane man can take. Seriously, Austin Carr is the most annoying man on the planet. More on this to come.

- They are showing the Blazer introductions. Cool.

- LaMarcus is wearing a white headband instead of his usual black. If he has a bad game I’m blaming the headband.



First Quarter:

I hate this pre-game Lebron “look how cool I am I’ll make a commercial about me clapping chalk and make a billion dollars” routine. If you got chalk in Mike Rice’s bourbon he is going to freak…actually no, he probably won’t notice.

11:40 – Lebron fires from deep. This is exactly what we want.

11:25 – Aldridge hits a long jumper. I’m pretty sure I have written those words in the opening minutes of every game diary I’ve written.

10:50 – OLD GREG blocks Lebron’s layup from the left side. I pee a little.

10:38 – Anderson Varejao draws an offensive foul on Greg. What’s the over/under on garbage foul calls drawn by Varejao on Greg? I’m thinking 2.5.

Sidenote: Word on the street is that Monty Mccutchen, one of tonight’s referees, calls more fouls on the home team than any other referee at 51.6%. Great.

9:30 – Sergio hits a 3 from the corner. Yes, he is not a particularly good three-point shooter, but announcers touting his 29% from behind the arc fail to note that about 1/10 of his threes come from half court or further at the end of quarters. The Cleveland Lebron leads, 8-6.

Also, Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: They chastise Sergio for shooting a three, while Lebron is shooting an incredible 1% better from range.

9:07 – Varejao holds the ball above his head and jumps several times. In America, we call that a “travel.” This is an important concept for basketball players.

Sidenote: Anderson Varejao is an elementary school lunch lady. Someone get that man a hair net. Think of the children!

7:08 – Aldridge and Batum miss consecutive open jumpers, but Greg grabs an offensive board and finishes with a flush. Good aggressiveness on the boards ties the game at 12.

5:35 – Lebron hits an 18-footer, making it three in a row from outside. Batum is forcing Lebron outside like we want; unfortunately he’s making all his shots anyway. I don’t know what to do.

A commercial for Labatt Blue Light. I believe this beer is formed by the bonding of two hydrogen atoms with one oxygen atom. I like ‘em straight from the Brita filter.

Sidenote: Apparently Daniel Gibson likes to shave various things into his head. This sounds like a Cleveland team prank waiting to happen. They should shave a boob into his head. Get it, cause he’s Boobie? Shut up.

4:45 – Aldridge hits back-to-back shots: a running hook followed by a 10 footer. He’s got 8 early points.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: “Bayless wasn’t playing at the beginning of the year, and he was not happy about it.” This is just a complete lie. He wasn’t playing because HE IS A ROOKIE THIRD STRING POINT GUARD.

2:46 – Wally Szczerbiak grabs Przybilla by the arm like a useless female in a horror film trying to distract the mutant serial killer before it kills her boyfriend. Pryz simply taps in LMA’s miss and draws the foul. Oh, and he’s still going to kill Wally’s boyfriend.

1:31 – SICK dribble move by Sergio between his legs from behind to split the defenders but Aldridge misses the easy finish. LMA, you’re killing Sergio’s stat line.

0:00 – Wally hits a three with 7 seconds left, but Batum answers with a long jumper to end the quarter. The Lebron leads, 28-25.



Second Quarter:

Ok folks, this has waited too long. Troof must come to the light. Mike Brown IS Mr. Potato Head. It’s good to know that an assembled plastic toy is currently the popular choice for coach of the year. Dammit.













11:48 – Rudy hits a 3. In case you haven’t noticed, Rudy has made a three in 40 of the 41 games he has played and is currently in position to break the record for most three pointers in a season by a rookie (this record is currently held by Kerry Kittles). Also he is on pace to impregnate the most women with his mind in a season by a rookie (this record is not held by Kerry Kittles).

In my quick searching of Kerry Kittles I found this, which is far funnier:




HAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHA. Hahaha. Ha. Woooooooo.

10:19 – Newsflash: JJ Hickson appears to suck. He has 3 fouls.

9:55 – Mo Williams hits an open three in transition. Our three-point defense has been dreadful all year, and this is one team that we really can’t afford to give up open looks to.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: I have decided that Austin Carr is in fact the Scat Man. Both speak unintelligible gibberish, yet are somehow famous and somewhat respected. Both are incredibly annoying. The Scat Man made one song and disappeared. Can Austin Carr disappear? Please?

Quick excerpt from the song “The Scat Man”:

-Scatting-

I’m the scat man!

-Scatting-

I’m the scat man!

-Scatting-

Wee bababadabo bababadabo x4

-Scatting-

Glorious.

5:47 – Lebron is called for a carry. A tear opens in the space-time continuum. Lebron whines like a baby. The rift closes, all is back to normal.

4:35 – Lebron goes to the rack, resulting in the Scat Man saying something like “Scatbabadoodbie L-train! Skeebabadopeadope in the Rose Garden!”

3:35 – Roy drives to the hoop and flips in a running jumper, but he’s been quiet offensively so far. Blazers trail, 41-38.

3:20 – Lebron catches a backdoor alley-oop off a Mo Williams lob. He then stands there, arms outstretched, basking in his own glory. I am seriously disgusted by how much he loves himself.

0:25 – Mo Williams hits an impossible baseline shot over LaMarcus’ hand in his face. He is now 7-8 from the field, for 18 points. God. Dammit.

0:03 – I liked this play. Brandon stood at the top of the arc, idly dribbling time off of the clock. The Cleveland defense obviously scooted toward the middle to prepare for the Brandon drive. So, with two seconds on the shot clock, Brandon faked toward the basket and dished it to the side to Outlaw for the open three. Boom baby.



Halftime:

Unfortunately, the Blazers trail 53-45 after showing glimpses and then lapses of good defense.

- We allowed 6 points in the first 7 minutes of the second quarter, and 18 points in the last 5 minutes. Interestingly, Lebron was out for the first four minutes of the quarter. Is that interesting? Maybe not.

- Wally has 8 rebounds. Aldridge has 1 rebound. What’s wrong with this picture?

- The Cleveland Lebron is shooting 56% from the field. That better come way down or we are toast.

- Weeeee babadoobo deepbadabingo.



Third Quarter:

11:25 – Greg gets called for a foul after Varejao literally picked up Oden’s arm and dropped it on his face. This is just pathetic. Flopping I can handle, at least when a player attempts to create the illusion of contact by taking a charge when there isn’t enough contact. But this? This is just being that punk who is waving his arms around and poking you in the kidneys during a pick-up game. Varejao is just bitter because there were no leftover bean burritos after lunch.

8:52 – Lebron hits a 17-footer. The plan of keeping Lebron in front and making him a jumpshooter? Not working so well. He’s hit three long jumpshots already this quarter.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: “Break out the 20,000 crying towels, cause the Blazer fans are whining for every call." 30 seconds later both announcers cry out about a "flagrant" foul on Pryz which did not happen.

8:40 – Brandon takes an off-balance leaner late in the shot clock that misses completely, but Batum is there on the put back dunk! So sweet. 59-54, Cavs lead.

5:00 – Lebron hits back-to-back three pointers. The Scat Man murmurs something in scat. I begin preparing a bag of scat to throw at the Scat Man in case I ever see him.

3:15 – Aldridge faces up Varejao nicely and drops a 13-footer on his face.

1:05 – Bayless elevates and hits from 19 feet. Apparently Bayless is playing!

Here is Lebron's shot chart from the 3rd quarter:



So...we've stayed in front of him and made him a jumpshooter...it just isn't working anyway.



Fourth Quarter:

It’s a 74-69 Lebron lead, and if the Blazers don’t get some consistent play on both sides of the ball we are in trouble. As good as Roy is in the clutch in a close game, we don’t want a repeat of last year’s game.

Mike Brown has his googly-eyes in.

9:52 – Bayless hits two free throws and then makes a CIRCUS layup under two Cavs defenders. Man, at what point in a game do we just abandon all offensive sets and just let Bayless and Roy drive and dish? …maybe that is the offensive set.

8:25 – After two more Bayless free throws, Greg “fouls” Lebron to pick up his 5th and Nate immediately pulls him to save him for clutch minutes.

Oh. My. God. A commercial for www.FarmersOnly.com just aired, with the jingle: “You don’t have to be lonely, at farmersonly.com." I’m speechless.

6:46 – Roy goes left, finishes, and draws the foul. It’s looking like this finish might be the Roy/Lebron showdown. I don’t like those odds. That said, we’ve taken the lead, 82-81.

5:22 – Lebron hits AGAIN from three. If he is going to make ridiculous deep three pointers, I’m not sure there is anything we can do. 86-82, Cleveland.

2:55 – After trading baskets for a couple minutes, the Blazers begin trapping Lebron just across half court, forcing him to make a long pass inside. Unfortunately, that leaves us shorthanded to defend once the ball gets there. This time, though, Travis comes rushing back and unleashes a HUGE block on Lebron from behind. Portland cannot capitalize and then Mo Williams hits a 3 to put the Lebron up by 7.

That’s it folks. The Blazers hung around, making a couple threes and another basket, but the Cavs hit their free throws and held on to win. Brandon missed two driving layups in the last three minutes that would have been huge for us, but we can’t put this one on him. Our energy level, while good for periods of time, was not enough down the stretch.

The fabled Cleveland defense was in full force, holding the Blazers to 40% shooting on the night. Blake certainly would have helped us spread the defense tonight, as we were only 7-22 from behind the arc. Get well, buddy!



Final Score: Lebron 102, Blazers 98

Final Tally:
“L-trains” – 16.
“In the Rose Gardens” – 13
“Throws the hammer downs” – 9 (somehow, off of 4 dunks).

Until next time, skoobapadeedop biddibapapapow!

Quick Update: Mailbags and Top 5s

What’s up, maniacs? Tough break tonight, what with all the collusion and corruption and whatnot. I mean, seriously, how is that fair? How can David Stern review the tape of that game and still say that his officials are 90 percent accurate? Give me a break. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: just about every NBA ref subscribes to chaos theory. This works out is great if you’re, say, the LA Kobe or the Cleveland Lebron, because the only consistent factor in the nonlinear equation that is the basketball game is this: when in doubt, give the superduperstar the call. If you happen to be a hardworking group of scrappy youngsters, however, it sucks pretty bad.

Sidenote: Hey Scott. So…I think I might have accidentally broken your Playstation controller when the refs sat on their whistles after BronBron plowed over Pryz in the fourth quarter. I…uh…dropped it. Accidentally, that is. So…um…sorry about that, man.

Now, to business. Since enough of you have been kind enough to read this putrid excuse for a sports blog, I’ve decided to use my Head Stopper powers to create a mailbag segment titled “Droppin’ Q's: Electromailers Wanna Know.”

Actually, you know, now that I’m reading that in print, it kind of sucks. Damn, that sounded so freaking cool in my head, too. Well, this is embarrassing. Um, I guess we’ll just call it “The Mailbag,” then. Or even just “Mailbag.” Yeah.

Anyway, send in your hoops questions, comments and concerns to this address:

mikewhitman33@gmail.com

You send 'em, and we’ll answer them quicker than you can spell Drazen Petrovic. But wait, there’s more!

We’re starting yet another new segment here at Kobestoppers called “Top 5,” wherein we count down our top fiveiest thoughts regarding any and all aspects of the NBA. Luckily for you guys, our inaugural effort is a doozy:

Top 5 Dunks we want to see Rudy pull off in the competition

Just to preface, here’s the IM conversation I had with Joe a few days before Rudy was voted into the contest:

Blade (12:39:07 PM): man, if rudy gets voted in
Blade (12:39:32 PM): how the heck is he going to win that thing???
Striker (12:39:38 PM): he wont
Striker (12:39:41 PM): he cant
Blade (12:39:43 PM): he gets up, don't get me wrong
Blade (12:39:56 PM): but it's impressive because he's ostensibly a short white guy
Blade (12:40:14 PM): and he does lots of his stuff off back pick alleyoops
Blade (12:40:34 PM): but it won't be 360s and freethrow line dunks
Striker (12:40:44 PM): no probably not
Blade (12:40:45 PM): or between the legs or any of that stuff we've gotten used to
Striker (12:40:49 PM): he cant win
Striker (12:40:51 PM): theres no way
Blade (12:41:03 PM): i want him to be in the 3 ball contest too
Striker (12:41:15 PM): he would be much better in the 3point contest
Striker (12:41:16 PM): much better

Now, before you all form an angry mob and light torches and burn us at the stake, just know that our Rudycrush has not faded even in the slightest. If anything, our concern for Rudy is so great that we’re both freaking the hell out about Rudy getting embarrassed by superior athletes. Also, if you haven’t thought about Rudy’s chances and gotten at least a little worried, then you’re lying to yourself.

But do not fear, dear readers, for we have a plan. In order for Rudy to become the NBA’s resident Rocky Balboa, he’s going to have to win with something other than pure athletic ability. Remember, he’s dunking against this guy. The bottom line is that Rudy has to get creative. All preconceived notions of what a dunk can or should be must be completely abandoned. Basically, Rudy has to reinvent the wheel. Difficult? Of course. But it’s not impossible. Spud did it in ’86, Vince did it in ’00, and we already touched on what Superman did last year. Here are five dunks that could possibly net Rudy that trophy:

5) “Over The Rainbow” – Chances are, you’ve already heard Ben’s report on BE regarding Rudy’s mastery over the rainbow kick. If he can pull this off, it’ll be jaw-dropping. We saw a little taste of the Eurofoot dunk-style from Nash and Stoudamire, but if Rudy lobbed it to himself with the rainbow and threw it down backwards, we’d be in uncharted territory. Speaking of which…

4) “Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country” – If the rainbow lob is the jab, then this has got to be the right cross. Imagine Rudy coming out of that handspring and exploding toward the rim at light speed. Can Rudy do this move? I have no idea. Is it even physically possible to dunk after doing this? Again, no clue. I’m not a scientist, but I do know this: the more flips you do, the higher you score. So Rudy, get to flippin’.

3) “The Heart Throb” – OK, this is sort of a long one, so bear with me. Rudy starts on the wing, wearing some type of tuxedo T-shirt. He’s holding a big bouquet of roses and sporting some of those fancy-shmansy euro-style shades. He lobs the ball high in the air, allowing himself time to rip off his shirt and cast the floral arrangement aside. As the ball hangs in the air, we notice that he has something written across his brawny, masculine chest: “TO MY SWEETHEART, LOVE RUDY.” Only then do we notice the stealthy but precise Sergio holding a Polaroid (assuming they can get a hold of some of that extinct film), capturing the photogenic Rudy just as he throws down a reverse jam. After Rudy comes down from a lengthy hang on the rim, he calmly produces a Sharpie from his sock, signs the picture, and gives it to some lucky lady courtside. This wouldn’t be the first time the “lob the ball and take my shirt off” dunk has been performed, but it would be the coolest variation to date. If Rudy also happened to have the words “VOTE ME” written huge on his back, I think this one would get some 10's.

2) “El Matador” – Corral a bull onto the court and dunk over that motherf---er. It’s as simple as that. 50.

1) “Cosas Buenas” aka “The Chip Douglas” – Sergio stands at the free throw line facing the basket. Rudy floats around half court. As Rudy makes his break for the basket, Sergio bounces the ball straight down and flings himself down on his hands and knees. Rudy then launches off of Serge’s back, picks the ball out of the air like a nectarine, and glides through the air like a Spanish condor before throwing it down with flair. Two points of interest: First, it would be extremely difficult to nail down this timing, Spanish telekinesis or no. Second, I’m not sure if this is actually legal. In fact, it’s probably not. But I figure, hey, if they’re going to allow Howard’s Superman “dunk” (really, more of a toss) based simply on the fact that it was the coolest thing in the history of the world, I imagine they’d look the other way for Rudy as well.

Think you’ve got a better one? Send it to us.

Now get out of here, you filthy animals. Navigate to a real basketball site and start preparing for those Wizards. What’s that? No, there are no “easy” games. You…what? Oh, well, because God might suddenly heal the Hibachi, that’s why. Just…shut up and stop asking me questions.

Except for the mailbag questions. Feel free to ask those.

Greg's Birthday Wish List

On the eve of Greg Oden's 21st birthday, we at Kobestoppers have decided to put together a little wish list for Greg's big day.



1) Back-to-back dominant games.

So far in his career, Oden has struggled with the typical highs and lows of a rookie season. Unfortunately, these highs and lows have been magnified by enormous expectations (oh, and I think he had some kind of surgery last year? I can't remember).

To put it in perspective, Greg has had 12 double-doubles so far this season, in 35 games played. Yet, only once has he had consecutive doubles, way back on November 18th and 19th, and even those were not "dominant" games like the one he had last night against Milwaukee.

Greg knows: Why settle for a single when you can go for a double?

A strong showing against Cleveland would do wonders for his confidence, perhaps teaching him how to carry momentum from one solid performance into the next game.

Likelihood of it happening: Decent. Cleveland is missing Zydrunas Ilgauskus more than Mike misses his autographed Bill Walton head shot when he's out of town. Now, Ben Wallace and Anderson Varejao are nothing to sneeze at on the glass (please, don't sneeze on the glass), but they are no match for Greg if he's hustling. As long as our perimeter defense can help prevent Greg from picking up ticky-tacky fouls on driving guards, Oden should have a good shot at grabbing a bunch of offensive boards.



2) A face-up jump shot.

In my opinion, the one facet of the game in which Andrew Bynum is a step ahead of Old Greg is his straight-up mid-range game. Bynum has the ability to face up from 8-12 feet and knock down jumpers. This opens up a deluge of offensive options by putting added pressure on the defender(s). Since I simply cannot stand to have Bynum be better in any part of the game than Oden, I demand that Oden develop this ASAP.

Now, we know that Oden has soft hands (see below), and Mike and I have postulated that he may be closer to developing his jumper than it may seem at first glance. In each of the last two games, Oden put up little jumpers that weren't particularly close to going in, and I can only imagine that Nate was not really happy with that choice of shot. That said, in the right situations I would love to see Greg work on that touch.

We all know that beirut skills translate seamlessly to basketball. Or not. As if we didn't have enough to make fun of JJ Redick for...

Likelihood of it happening: High to very high. In fact, I'd stake my Army of Darkness Ash S-mart employee action figure on it. The only question is: when? If he can develop a semblance of a stroke this year, it will be quite valuable come the postseason. If not, I'd love to see that worked on over the summer.



3) NOT getting dunked on by Lebron James.

Let's be honest: centers get dunked on. Oftentimes this is the result of poor perimeter defense leading to the big man trying to slide over and make a play, but ending up on a poster. It's happened to Greg multiple times this year (most recently, Gerald Wallace found more holes in the Blazer defense than a Siamese twin blow-up doll) and will most certainly happen again.

However, what Greg does not need is a clip of one #1 pick dunking on another that will have ESPN simultaneously salivating and crapping their pants. Ideally it will be Greg doing the posterizing, but I'm sure LBJ will do his darnedest to prevent that. It might hurt his image!

I will take a life-size poster of this event though...then I'll just paste my face over hers and...uh...what? No, I mean...never mind.

Likelihood of it happening: Depends on our perimeter players. Nicolas, I'm looking at you. Stay in front of Lebron, give him space, let him shoot that 28% from behind the arc all he wants.



4) A PARTY!!!!!

Let's just say, if the Blazers had a game on Friday, I would not be the least bit surprised to see Greg suffering from the dreaded "Flu-like Symptoms." But Portland doesn't play until Saturday so I say, "drink 'em down, big man, drink 'em down!!" It's your 21st birthday after all.

But seriously, ditch these losers. Why are you at this sausagefest? You and Rudy OWN THIS TOWN. Go forth and slay.

Likelihood of it happening: Inevitable.


That's it for Greg's birthday list. Join us in wishing Greg the best on his 21st. Happy birthday Big Greg!!

Running Diary - Bucks at Blazers

1/19/09
7:02 PM, PST

OBAMMAAAAAA!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!! CHANGGGGGGEEEEEE!!!!!! ETC!!!!!!!

Whew. Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk some ball.*

*Kobestoppers is in no way shape or form affiliated with the CSN talk show “Talkin’ Ball.” Thank God.

Pre-game Thoughts

- I’m so angry about being deprived of a Blake vs. Ridnour showdown that I actually just peed a little bit.

- Rebecca Harlow better being praying every night that I never get her number, because if I do, something similar to this masterpiece is definitely in her future.

- How to beat the Milwaukee Bucks, by Mike: Hold Redd and Jefferson to under 40 and keep Charlie Villanueva off the boards. Oh, and if at all possible, let Dan Gadzuric get as many easy touches as possible. Trust me on this one.

- I had a short conversation with Joe before the game that I thought I’d share with you guys:

Joe: So you’re doing the diary for the game tonight, right?
Mike: Yeah, I can do that.
Joe: Cool. Maybe this one will actually be half-decent.
Mike: Hey. I know for a fact that if I continue to do these running diaries, just like I continue to play pool, I’m going to get better at it.
Joe: Are you the next Bill Simmons?
Mike: If…yea…if I continue to drink that G2…WATCH OUT BILL SIMMONS.

- Before the game, Bob Delaney jokingly handed Mike Rice his whistle, offering Rice the chance to ref the game. First point: the Mikes laughed entirely too long about this. Seriously, they looked like they were in the front row for “Delirious.” Second point: Mike Rice, while generally not what most of us would call “coherent” during ballgames, actually would do a hell of a lot better job than 90 percent of the league’s referees. I swear to God, half the time they’re guessing blindly, and there are THREE OF THEM. Drives me nuts. OK, enough crying. It’s Greggerin’ time!

First Quarter

7:11 – Gadzuric receives the ball on the baseline and tumbles out of bounds like King Hippo after a Little Mac uppercut. Perfect.

7:13 – Real quick: doesn’t Villanueva look like a supervillain of some kind? Wait, on second thought, Scott Skiles is definitely the supervillain, and Charlie is his evil bodyguard. Seriously, I think they’re number one on my “coach and player on the same team who might actually hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world hostage” list.

7:15 – LaMarcus is 2-2 to start the game. We look sharp tonight, fellas. Brandon abuses Redd on a gnarly turnaround J, making it 10-2, Blazeshow.

7:18 – LaMarcus is now 3-3. What a sweet stroke this guy has. I can’t get over it. What do you call a guy who’s the franchise player, but he’s not? A McHale? A Pippen? Well, whatever it is, it’s definitely not a Gadzuric.

7:19 – I’M OLD GREG!!!! Man, is it me, or has it been a while since I’ve screamed that at the top of my lungs? You know, it actually kind of hurts when you’re not used to it. Ow.

7:21 – It’s 18-8 with 4:33 to go, and we’re really crashing the boards. This is the team I’m used to seeing. It’s good to be back home.

7:28 – Well, Greg’s all grown up (in case you weren’t listening the first 400 times he told you). Why does Comcast insist on torturing its viewers by airing the same eight commercials during every single freaking game? You tell me. I want to know. Really, go ahead and email me the answer, because for the love of God, I can’t figure it out.

7:34 – It’s 22-9, good guys, but our bench is getting beat up pretty bad. Milwaukee’s second unit is really taking it to us. Man, we really need Gadzuric back in there.

Second Quarter

7:38 – Oh, baby. We nearly had a little previewo of el dunko contesta (sorry to you native Spanish speakers, I was too lazy to go to Babelfish), but the basketball gods cruelly denied us a Spanish Inquisition alley-oop. By the way, if the basketball gods are reading this, know that I was going to perform a sacrifice of the flesh later, but now you can just forget about it, you jerks.

7:46 – Greg spins baseline for an easy two. Those are what I like to call gravy buckets. Look at poor Malik Allen, all covered in gravy like that. Get that boy a biscuit.

7:47 – Michael Redd suddenly wakes up and realizes that he’s the best player on his team. Unfortunate. Nate wants to talk it over. 31-30, Portland, with 6:21 to go.

7:55 – BEAUTIFUL high-low action between LaMarcus and Greg produces an earth-shattering jam by The Old One. Greg’s seal on his defender inside was absolutely perfect, and I demand to see more. He can do that type of stuff every single time down the floor. In case you hadn’t noticed, I really, really like Greg.

7:56 – Gadzuric misses a dunk, then hangs on the rim and his called for offensive interference when the ball slingshots off the rim when he finally lets go. MVP! MVP! MVP!

7:57 – So far we’ve heard from Bayless, Channing, and now Nate about the meaning of MLK Day. While we can all agree that if ever there was a well-deserved holiday, it’s this one (I’m looking at you, Valentine’s Day…), I’m still holding out hope that someday, some polarizing, renegade athlete will commit career suicide and say something like, “you know, I’m not really that into the Doctor. Equal rights for all, regardless of skin color, achieved through non-violence? Not really my thing.” That would completely destroy every awkward sports moment ever recorded on film. Joe Namath and Suzy Kolber? Adios. Janet Jackson’s booby malfunction? Toast. Even Al Campanis and Jimmy the Greek would go down in flames. Rodzilla, if you’re out there, please, please, please, start hitting the gym. I hear the Kings could use some toughness inside, and you know the Maloofs would at least consider it. I know you can do it. I believe in you.

8:02 – Hey, it’s Brian Wheeler’s birthday. Better call Bib Fortuna and make the party arrangements. Ay-Wanna-Wonga!!!! By the way, we’re up 45-40 as the half comes to a close.

Halftime Notes

- We’re certainly executing better than we did on the road trip, but the extra effort we displayed to battle back in New Jersey and Charlotte is disturbingly absent tonight, especially in that second quarter. Our bench just got outworked. It’s as simple as that.

- Greg is everywhere, much like the God of Abraham. He only has one foul, and his energy is unprecedented. Greg, whatever you had for breakfast, for the love of all that’s holy, keep eating that stuff.

- I love Dan Gaduric.

- LaMarcus really seems to have turned the corner. He’s affected the game on every single possession. Write it down: if he stays healthy, he’s going to be damn near unstoppable. And if that defense keeps improving, he’s going to be our version of Tim Duncan. Only, you know, um…athletic, and stuff.

Third Quarter

8:18 – Nic starts the half off right with a beautiful steal, then channels Travis and throws the ball away after his brief moment in the sun. However, we needn’t worry about that turnover because Greg has just harnessed the powers of the Flash and stolen the ball right back. Greg running the break? I like this very much.

8:26 – Now we’re finally cooking with gas, maniacs. 51-42, Blaze, with 4:52 to go. We’re moving the ball on offense and attacking both the rim and the backboards. Nic is cheating into passing lanes and Serge is pushing the ball up the floor. We might run away with this one.

8:27 – You know, if I had to describe Scott Skiles using only one word, I think that word would be “grumbly.”

8:29 – Cheesy Double Beef Burrito time again. As a former barista, I must say that I am profoundly disturbed at how badly the guy behind the counter gets dicked over in this commercial. Just give the guy the 89 cents, for God’s sake. Screw double the beef! I mean, look at yourself. Do you really NEED double the beef on that greasy cholesterol wrap that you’re about to devour? Just….TIP ME, DAMMIT. Sorry. We…uh…didn’t get a lot of tips down at the old Beanery, you know?

8:35 – More high-low action to Greg. Score the bucket AND THE FOUL.

8:36 – Look out, everybody. Tyronn Lue is in the building. I’m finding that I hate him a lot less without the dreads and the Lakers jersey. Huh.

8:38 – B-Rex catches in rhythm and let’s a three pointer fly…RIP CITY.

Sidenote: I love that Nate has left Greg in the game for so long. This accomplishes two things: first, in order to get in game shape, you have to actually play some minutes. Second, this game experience is going to prove invaluable come (with any luck, around) playoff time. He’s only got two fouls, so why not leave him in? He’s young. Go ahead and let him get tired. That’s good for the big fella. Nate better win coach of the year.

8:46 – RJ is fouled by Bayless on the break and scores an easy two. That makes eight quick points for the Bucks. Ruh-row.

8:47 – A Lue three caps a 10-3 Bucks run. Travis comes through with a clutch three of his own, but Jefferson answers right back to end the quarter. 71-64, Blaze.

Fourth Quarter

8:54 – Rudy drills a three, then draws a charge against a three-on-one break. Vote him. Oh, that’s right, we already did. 76-68, Blazers.

9:00 – Villanueva flops like an Argentine as Greg backs him down, and he justly receives no whistle. Greg scoffs at the Oscar-worthy performance, turns, and calmly dunks over Charlie’s corpse. My favorite part was how he carefully tiptoed over the body on his way back down the floor.

9:07 – Jefferson drives middle and jams, despite getting fouled on the arm. That was too easy. I’m starting to get a little nervous, here.

9:08 – Nevermind. I totally forgot about how Greg is currently matched up against Malik Allen. 22 points for Oden after that throwdown.

9:11 – Rid hits a step-back three to make it 91-83. Nice of him to finally join the game, wouldn’t you say?

9:15 – MAKE AN ASSESSMENT!!!!!! Wow. Greg got up SO high for that block, he’s still coming down. On the other end, he flips in a sweet, whirling dervish of a lefty hook for his 23rd and 24th points of the night.

9:17 – Sergio hits Rudy with a slick bounce pass for an easy two. Chalupas! Yep, it was touch-and-go for a while there, maniacs, but the Jell-O’s finally jigglin’.

Final Score:

Blazers: 102
Bucks: 85

Closing Thoughts

- Greg’s box score: 24/15 with two steals and two blocks. He set a new career high for points and tied his rebounding record. His energy was fantastic. He ran the floor, established himself down low and dominated the middle on defense, moving his feet beautifully to avoid picking up cheap fouls. Hell, he even laughed a little bit tonight. My guess is we’ll be seeing more of this type of play, especially against weak-ass, Milwaukee-esque front lines.

- LaMarcus…well, you already know. I love this guy.

- We played much better team defense tonight, and I think Greg’s lack of foul trouble was evidence of that. We collapsed on penetration and forced much tougher shots than we did against Charlotte.

- We still need to learn how to keep the intensity up for a full 48 minutes. That lull in the second quarter was painful to watch.

OK, maniacs. That’s it for me. Don’t forget, BronBron’s coming to town on Wednesday, so wear something nice. And for the love of God, as Striker previously stated, don’t even THINK about his mama.

Joe Knows

What does Joe know today? Frankly, very little. Fortunately for you, what little I do know is related to the Blazers. Yippee.



1) Gregory Wayne Oden, Jr.

First of all, WOW that is a cool name. I am humbled. Let it be known that Greg "Bruce Wayne" Oden has his 41st 31st 21st birthday coming up on Thursday, January 22. Praise de Lloyd that there's no Friday game.

Second of all, Oden-haters the world 'round wept into their piña coladas last night as Oden dropped a nasty, filthy, mean 24/15 on the Milwaukee Bucks, including 2 steals and 2 blocks. Granted, the Bucks were soft down low even before they lost Andrew Bogut to an "achy back." With Bogut out, Charlie Villaneuva, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, and Dan Gadzuric looked like Snuggles the bear falling onto a stack of 25 Snuggle-washed towels.


That said, Oden's energy was fantastic all night. Every game he plays he appears to have more quickness, agility, explosiveness, and stamina than the last. Chances are you all know this already, but in case you are Colin Cowherd, a giant moron, or both: THIS GUY IS GOING TO BE REALLY REALLY GOOD.



2) Martell? Are you there? Martell?

In Webster's absence, I keep forgetting that he is on the team, then I remember and get really excited. Lately, however, this excitement has turned toward unease over his extended absence. Ever since he re-injured that foot, the Blazers organization has been disturbingly mum about his recovery and return date. The official ESPN injury report says "Webster (foot) is not expected to return until around the All-Star break."

Now, maybe Martell's recovery has simply been lost in the shuffle. Between the Darius Debacle, the unceasing Oden coverage, and an ever-tightening Western Conference playoff race, the Blazers have had a busy season.

Frankly, though, I don't buy it. My worst fear is that his foot is not recovering well. As we have learned from the chronic foot problems of players like Yao Ming and Grant Hill, foot injuries can be nagging and career-disrupting. Get well, Martell!



3) I would be interested in this guy but I'm sure Kevin Pritchard already scouted him.



On a related note, our old friend Mambasucker T had this to say about last night's game between the LA Kobe and the Cleveland Lebron:

"Did you see Mamba's courageous playing last night? A humbling performance on the eve of a historic inauguration. It's almost like he said:

I have seen the promise land, I have lived King's dream, my children will not want for anything that their minds can comprehend. MAMBA MAMBA."

I don't know about the rest, but I have no doubt that he said "MAMBA MAMBA."



4) Brandon's gonna look DAYUM fine in one of these:



That's it for now, folks. Let's hope Lebron still has a cold tomorrow. And for God's sake, don't heckle him about his momma!

Rudy is not every day a dunker...

But he will be on February 14th in Phoenix, after Fernandez was selected as the fourth participant in the Sprite Rising Stars T-Mobile Fave Five Red Lobster Wood-Grilling McDonalds Big Mac...oh wait, it's a dunk contest? Cool.

In fact, not only did he win the fan voting, he crushed the other nominees, with almost twice as many votes as Joe Alexander and Russell Westbrook combined.

Kobestopper Mike and I were debating the merits of this selection. Now, readers: have no illusions about the size of our combined man-crush on El Mago, because it is huge. Actually, disturbing might be a better descriptor. Even so, we are a little worried about Rudy's success in the competition.

The receiving end of the Spanish Connection (wow that sounded wrong) has proved that he possesses unexpected athleticism:



However, we're talking about the BEST DUNKERS IN THE LEAGUE, here. Have you seen Nate Robinson jump? I swear his vertical is greater than his height! Dwight Howard is an absolute freak of nature.

Basically, unless Rudy can convince Dwight Howard to stand in front of the rim when he dunks or gets his hands on some flubber, it may be an early exit for our favorite Spaniard.

Update: I just realized the dunk contest is on Valentine's Day which, for a man possessing Rudy's aura of pure sexuality, can only be a good sign.

Running Diary - Blazers at Bobcats

11/17/08
4:09 PM, PST

Pre-game Thoughts

I don’t have too many tonight, maniacs. See, I sort of got a late start today. I was…uh…saving some kittens from…uh…

OK, fine. So I was sleeping. Big freaking deal. Like you’ve never slept until 4 PM before. You guys are always so judgmental – always naysaying. How about you take a long look in the mirror before you start judging a sports comedy genius for what time he decides to get out of bed, huh? You make me sick.

Just kidding. You know I love you guys. You just make me so crazy sometimes, you know?

On an unrelated note, I’d like to voice the opinion of countless viewers and say that Rebecca Haarlow looks DAYYYUMMMM fine in that purple turtleneck. I’m literally making googly eyes at my TV screen.

OK, time for tip-off! We’ve pretty much played like garbage during this road trip so far, so I think it’s important that we gather some momentum before we head back home. Let’s do this thang.

Interesting. It seems that the Bobcats dancers have decided to perform a routine right before the tip, trapping the nascent basketball game in a purgatory of sorts, similar to General Zod’s imprisonment in the Phantom Zone. Hmmm. This looks like a job for a crotchety, old referee. Luckily, we just happen to have the oldest, crotchetiest referee on the face of the planet calling this game.

JOEY CRAWFORD IS A MAN. I’m serious. He is a MAN, and he is FORTY. Did you guys see that?! He just screamed at those poor cheerleaders and told the multimedia guy at the scorer’s table to turn that music down!! I pity the fool who unknowingly stumbles upon Joey Crawford’s lawn or refuses to accept his expired coupon.

First Quarter

4:11 – LaMarcus hits from 15 to start the game. Usually, this is good news for us.

4:12 – Ridiculous foul called on LMA against Okafor, and the basket counts. I swear to God, Joey. You’re terrible. You’re terrible at your job. You’re like one step away from Bennett Salvatore.

4:13 – Okafor posterizes Greg, and the 17 fans in attendance go absolutely APE*$@#. Pro basketball is huge in the Carolinas, if you hadn’t noticed.

4:16 – Uh oh. Here comes B-Rex. I can’t say for certain, but I imagine he’s going to do something along these lines.

4:18 – Bayless forgets that you only get eight seconds instead of 10 to get the ball across half court in the NBA, and nobody else on the floor runs back to the ball to help him out. No matter. Bayless’ blood reign of terror will begin soon enough.

4:21 – Whoa, check out Monty’s jacket over there on the bench. As the owner of several fine sport coats myself, I feel qualified to state conclusively that mustard is definitely Monty’s color. Bet that went over well with Nate at the coaches’ meeting.

30 minutes before tipoff:

Monty: Hey, coach. So I went over those specific game situations with Bayless like you told me. He seems to really be picking it up quick, you know? I can’t wait to see hi–

Nate: What the $#@* is this?

Monty: What, the…the jacket? You…don’t like it?

Nate: Get the *#%$ out of my sight. You look like the carpet in a whorehouse.

Monty: But Nate, I just –

Nate: NOW.

Monty slowly slinks out of the room, fighting back tears.

4:30 – All right, boys and girls – it’s Aflac time! When was the last time we had two all-stars on our team simultaneously? Could be Sheed and…Steve Smith? Damon? Nah, I’m going with my gut. Clyde and Terry in…’93, let’s say.

4:31 – Gerald Wallace goes coast to coast for an easy slam. Nate looks like he’s pretty happy with our start, here.

4:32 – As Wallace stands at the free throw line, I can’t help but notice his, um, oral…fixation, let’s say, with his mouthpiece. Ewwww.

4:33 – Juwan Howard hits an eight-footer over Greg. Wow, and here all this time I thought that Juwan Howard had been dead for like, six years. Bummer.

4:34 – ADAM MORRISON ALERT!!! All right, OK, fine. You got me. I wanted to draft the Stache. So what. Sue me. I’m a gangly, slow white guy with a decent set shot. We look after our own. 24-18, Charlotte.

Second Quarter

4:35 – God, we’ve had absolutely terrible starts during this road trip. Frustrating.

4:41 – LaMarcus is playing hard tonight. He’s really been stepping it up both offensively and defensively. Those long limbs are being put to good use – either through that high release on the fadeaway or by sneaking into passing lanes and breaking up entry passes. He’s playing more physical as well. All of this bodes well for both tonight and the future. I wish you could see the smile on my face right now. I know we’re down six and playing like garbage, but thinking about LaMarcus, I’m grinning like a retard with an all-day sucker.

4:43 – My favorite part of the Angry Whopper commercial? HALAPAINYAS!! On a related note, my buddy who loves Kobe (for future reference, I will refer to him as “Mambasucker T”) claims that the Angry Whopper, while tasty, is not actually all that spicy. But then again, neither was the Volcano Taco. Or the Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Or straight EFFING Tabasco sauce.

Mambasucker T: terrible sports fan, tremendous tolerance for both heat hot and spice hot.

4:44 – Mike Rice notices the Stache is guarding Brandon and immediately blurts out his unique and insightful belief that Brandon can score against Morrison. Of course Brandon can score on him!! My seven year-old niece could score on the Stache! Morrison’s on-ball D makes Larry Bird look like Scottie Pippen! I love Rice, but he must think we are all so incredibly stupid.

4:50 – Things I’ve noticed in the last 15 minutes:

- Greg’s footwork is getting better.

- LaMarcus is going to become a top-20 player in the next three years. On a related note, I was just wondering, is there anyway we can sort of “trade back” with Chicago? I think Tyrus Thomas would fit really well into our syst – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA.

- Bayless’ athleticism reminds me of a young Steve Francis or Stephon Marbury. JUST the athleticism, OK? Fact is, he’s a specimen, and if his court vision and basketball IQ develop along with his outside shot, he’s going to be a nightmare for defenders.

- Our team defense sucks tonight. Pitiful. Disgusting. Indefensible.

- We have forgotten how to make free throws. And as we’ve all been taught from an early age: You’ve got. To make. Your free throws.

5:05 - Brandon just scored his first FG, and it’s almost halftime. Somehow, we’re up by two points. Maybe they’re giving us extra ones tonight. You know, just for funsies.

5:07 – While in the kitchen procuring a vanilla pudding, I hear the words “Kobe stopper” come out of my roommate’s incredibly nice television. Whipping around, I knock my pudding to the floor and nearly lacerate my skull on an open cabinet door (Thanks, Scott) before hastily removing my cellular phone from my front pocket. In the midst of an uncontrollable seizure of excitement, I locate “Striker” in my address book and push the green button. Joe quickly cuts me off and explains calmly that Mike Rice was simply talking about Raja Bell and not plugging our crappy little blog. Suddenly I’m cold all over, and my eyes are moist with the tears of a thousand sorrows.

5:08 – We end the half by turning a four-point lead into a five-point deficit. Fantastic.

Halftime Notes

- LMA needs to be this aggressive every single night. You’re stronger than you think, big man. Attack your opponent.

- Charlotte ended the quarter on an 11-2 run. Unacceptable, but don’t get too upset. These types of ballgame giveaways have been getting less frequent over the last couple of seasons and that trend will continue. Trust me. Your patience will be rewarded.

- Note to Greg: study how Pryz plays D around the rim. Watch how he affects drivers and cutters without picking up fouls. Just keep watching and learning, Greg. Soon, you’ll realize it’s not all up to you, which reminds me…

- Our team defense is making me want to jump off a tall building. I know I already touched on this, but more needs to be said. We can’t just rely on Greg to defend the basket. It’s got to be one-on-five every time somebody penetrates.

- Note to self: steal Jeff Goldblum’s teleportation pods and use them to merge the DNA of Blake, Sergio and Bayless into one unstoppable BrundleGuard.

- Raja Bell or no, Brandon needs to step it up. If you’re not getting the calls inside, then shoot that jumper. It’ll start falling. Your stroke is too good for it not to. When it does, Raja will clamp down on you. Then the fun part comes. Go by him and dunk on Okafor’s face.

- Just before the third quarter starts, an incredulous Tony tells us that the Blazers are 7-15 from the line. As the crappy CSN graphic devours the studio, we can still hear him complaining about the lack of free throw consistency and paying homage to Schonz. We break for commercial, but not before Tony gets in one last “They’re FREE!!!!”

Third Quarter

5:25 – Brandon hits a J in Bell’s grill. That’s what I’m talking about.

5:27 – Oden and LMA crash the boards for two consecutive offensive rebounds before LaMarcus lays one in. Nate must give great halftime speeches.

5:28 – Mike Rice pronounces Okafor’s first name “Uh-Meeka.” I love it. 54-49, Cats.

5:29 – Brandon is 1-4 from the line. He looks tired and beat up from this trip.

5:32 – Good news, everyone. It appears that Jerryd can get to the rack whenever he pleases. We’re all tied up at 60.

5:34 – I’ve decided that Charlotte’s floor announcer is my least favorite in the NBA, narrowly edging out 16-time world heavyweight champion and biggest blowhard of all time, Ric Flair. Congratulations, ass.

5:38 – Well, now Brandon’s doing everything and I feel bad for chastising his disappearing act in the first half. Regardless, it shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing arrangement. We need to find our balance. The only problem is, it's much easier said than done. Make no mistake - this process is a tortuous one, filled with countless ass-beatings and overprotective mothers. But if you survive, you will be rewarded with the greatest gift in all the cosmos: a super-hot makeout sesh at Golf ’N Stuff with Elizabeth Shue in her prime.

5:48 – We look like 10 individuals out there instead of a team. Can somebody make a call to Gene Hackman and see if he’ll sign on as an assistant? And no, Dennis Hopper may not come with.

5:49 – It would seem that Greg has named his dog Charles Barkley McLovin’. Um…moving on.

Fourth Quarter

5:50 – We’re tied at 67 to start the quarter, and in a bizarro-worthy turn of events, Rudy dishes to Sergio for an easy two.

5:52 – Wallace has 25 points. He’s driving to the rack at will, and that mouthpiece is just all OVER the place.

5:57 – Aflac answer: Clyde and Cliff in ’94. You remember, before we totally dismantled the team that was more beloved in Portland than the Christ himself? But I digress…

6:02 – Wallace posterizes Greg for the second time tonight, this one coming on the business end of a one-handed alley-oop. That’s bad for us.

6:04 – Greg picks up his sixth foul and the jerk at the scorer’s table plays “Hit the Road, Jack.” The biggest d-bag I’ve ever seen stands up and waves goodbye to Greg from the first row. Oh MAN, this kid is a douche. I wish you guys could see hi – OH MY GOD I FOUND THIS IDIOT ON YOUTUBE.

By my count, he had FOUR Okafor jerseys in that room – two on the table, one on the wall, and one on that pasty, Carolinian torso. Who has four jerseys of the same player? Nobody, that’s who. If you want a home and an away, that’s fine, but the fact is he borrowed at least two of those from somebody else. What a phony. It’s too bad he isn’t wearing the giant gold chain he had on at the game. That’s really the turd cherry on the #@$* sundae.

6:11 – It’s 84-81, Bobbies with 3:20 to go, and you could hear a pin drop in that building. To whom it may concern: the South doesn’t give a crap about pro sports that don’t involve turning left 500 times. Stop giving these people franchises.

6:23 – After a nice sequence of Blazer possessions to sneak back into the game, it’s tied at 88 with 25 seconds left. Out of a timeout, Raymond Felton banks in a 12-footer from straight on, giving Charlotte the lead with 15 seconds left. Note to self: find out which God Felton prays to and immediately CONVERT TO THAT GOD.

6:24 – Brandon tips in his own miss to tie the game again. On the ensuing Charlotte possession, Bayless busts out some sick nasty on-ball D, but Okafor nearly tips in the missed jumper. Good Lord, I’m out of breath. Just give me a second to sit down and catch my breath here.

Overtime

Outside of a sweet drive and lefty finish by Brandon, we looked like garbage during OT. The offense was stagnant, and our interior defense was hideous. We didn’t deserve to win this game, and sure enough, we didn’t. This wasn’t as bad as the Philly fiasco, but it was one of our poorer performances all year. We’re better than the freaking Bobcats, OK?

Oh, I almost forgot. Did anybody else hear Mike Rice literally WHINNY after Brandon missed a shot that’s usually money? I swear to God, I hope that man lives 1,000 years, because I cannot imagine not having him around. He’s gold. Solid gold.

Quick Update: Kobe Stopped

In a very special Quick Update, it is my distinct pleasure to present you with tonight's honorary Kobestopper:






















That's right folks, it's Jameer Effing Nelson. In case you haven't been paying attention this year, he's been ripping it up. Here's his box score for tonight: 28/6/8 on 9 for 18 shooting and 7 for 8 from the line. Oh yeah, and he also hit 3 three-pointers. This is especially good for me, not only because he stuck it to the Mamba, but also because he's on my fantasy team.

Now, some might point to Kobe's triple-double tonight as evidence that he was in fact not stopped, but I beg to differ, dear friends. The LA Kobe was defeated on its home court, despite Mr. Colorado's best efforts. That sounds like an ass whooping to me.

So, Jameer Nelson, we salute you for doing your duty and banishing Kobe back to the hellish depths whence he came.

Suck it, Mamba.

Jerryd Baymore

If you're like me, you've already watched this countless times, but here it is anyway:



I love how he is so excited by this play that he didn't even notice he got fouled (and frankly, he didn't get fouled).

I think it is time for an all-Blazer dunk contest, maybe on fan appreciation night? Bayless vs. Rudy vs. Outlaw. Enough said.

Running Diary - Blazers at 76ers

1/14/09
3:52 PM, PST

Yes, I realize that it’s been a long-ass time since our last running diary, and YES, you can all stop your freaking whining, OK? Do you know how many starving children in China don’t even HAVE running diaries?! Huh?! Do you?!

Seriously, how excited are you guys right now? I’m about to blow a gasket. I can’t wait for this thing. If I had to sum up my level of anticipation and excitement in one random Youtube video, it would have to be this one:



Pre-Game

3:53 – No Rudy tonight. His foot’s not feelin’ so hot. That’s okay, Rudy. Rest it up, big man. We’re still going to vote you.

3:54 – So, let me get this straight. If I get a Bowflex, I can have a body like THAT guy? Does that also mean my face will turn into a synthetic rubber mask like his? Jesus.

3:56 – OK, we’re in Philly, so clearly, the pre-game hype video HAS to be set to the Rocky theme, right? Oh man, this is gonna be SO sweet.

3:57 – Bon. F*#$ing. Jovi. Unbelivable. I’m baffled. It’s baffling. Somebody tell the crew that we’ve got the Nets tomorrow night, and that whoever chose “You Give Love a Bad Name” for tonight’s hype video will be beheaded at halftime with extreme prejudice.

Oh yeah, and that reminds me – the suffering isn’t over, because it’s time for everybody’s favorite theme song...

3:58 – Ba nanananananananananaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! DAMN THIS SONG. Led freaking Zeppelin couldn’t perform this piece of trash and make it tolerable. For the love of God, I’m begging someone to stop this.

4:00 – Crappy...elementary school...choir...performing.....national anthem....at....midcourt. Arghhhhh....sucks...too.....much....can’t...talk....can’t....breathe...

I don’t know much in this crazy, crazy world. But I do know this: that sort of thing NEVER would have happened in the Spectrum. May the ghost of Henry Bibby haunt you for all times.

4:08 – OK, here we go. Just about game time, so...oh, wait. Never mind. Here come Rice’s keys to the game.

4:09 – Keep them out of the paint and to score more points than they do. That’s what he just told us, and the man had THREE KEYS to work with. As Ol’ Green Pants would say – GADZOOKS!

First Quarter

4:10 – We’re trying to establish Greg early down low. He’s 0-2, but I like the idea.

4:11 – Philly’s playing aggressive D early. Lots of hands swiping at balls.

4:12 – Hahahahahahahaha.

4:13 – Ahhhem. Um, since Philly is playing such tight defense, we should be able to go by them and get to the rack. Either that, or find backdoor cutters when defenders are cheating in the passing lanes. Instead, we’re throwing up bricks from God-knows-where. We’re 0-4. Not the start I would have liked.

4:14 – Tony WHO??? When did Mo Cheeks get fired?! Why wasn’t I told?! Well, so much for being an NBA “expert,” huh?

4:15 – Joe has just informed me that no one, other than myself of course, has ever thought of me as an NBA “expert,” so there is no reason to feel ashamed. What a relief.

4:17 – Lousy transition D results in a Thaddeus Young dunk, and it’s 14-6, bad guys. After a Nate timeout, Barrett makes fun of Philly’s fandom by stating that a crowd numbering “in the tens” is fired up. Classic Barrett, right there, folks. I love this guy.

4:19 – Two turnovers in two possessions after the timeout. Probably not how Nate drew it up. On a positive note, here comes Pryz!

4:21 – Another turnover. Philly’s up 12 now. Thad Young hits a three and LaMarcus is called for a charge. I don’t know if you guys are watching this, but...um...we’re not playing very well.

4:23 – Oh, great. Thanks for throwing a little salt in the open wound, Comcast. Look, we get it already. Channing makes hits. He wants to hold the crazy mask and not the pumpkin head. He fails his first attempt at a “vet move.” WikideewikideewikMUSIC. Free food. Rise with us. Please stop showing this.

4:28 – Annnnnnd there’s our seventh turnover in the first quarter. Philly leads 31-15 as the period comes to a close. This delicious plate of nachos I’ve been devouring offers me little consolation, in case you were wondering.

Second Quarter

4:35 – Aflac Random Stab time! Um, something about rebounds in a playoff series. Sounds like Bill Walton in the ’77 finals to me. Of course, they might be asking about team offensive rebounds in the preseason or something, so I wouldn’t bet the bank on this one. Or on any of these f#$*ng Aflac “questions.”

4:38 – Sweet Lou Williams hits a three. We’ve committed 10 turnovers is 13 minutes. Philly just threw down an easy transition dunk. Now let’s see here...where did I hide the arsenic, again?

4:40 – BAYLESS!!!! Oh. Oh my God. If that dunk had gone in....good Gawwwd.

4:41 – OK, you know what, Dwyane? With the exception of that nearly-missed jam from Bayless, neither my mama nor I like it. Jerk.

4:46 – Greg is called for a phantom travel, and it’s 43-21, Sixers.

4:48 – By the way, don’t forget to check out Trail Blazers Courtside this week with Mike Barrett, Mike Rice, and Jabba the Hutt.

Just kidding, maniacs. I’m sure Brian Wheeler is a lovely man. And from the few games I’ve listened to on the radio over the years, I must say that he is an awesome play-by-play guy. Boom Chakalaka.

4:56 – Alonzo Mourning’s super fly color-coordinated dress shirt, sunglasses, and Gatorade combo do little to soothe the red-hot flames of frustration coursing through my black heart.

4:58 – Channing enters the game for an “offensive boost.” Excuse me for a second. I just need to go find my .38 and that single hollow-point round I’ve been keeping for just such an occasion. Be right back.

5:02 – Big Sam Dalembert takes a knee to the crotch from a driving Roy. Every cloud has its silver lining, I suppose.

5:03 – Well, it hasn’t been the best first half, but at least – OH GOD STEVESIE!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED??!!!! SWEET LORD WE NEED PAUL PIERCE’S CALF MASSAGER GUY AGAIN!!!!! WHAT DID BLAKEY DO TO DESERVE THIS??!!!!! WHHHHHYYYYYY GODDDDDD!!???!!!!

I swear on the lives of all my future ex-wives that I will avenge you, Steve. For all those whom it may concern, let it be known:

I’m placing a bounty on Reggie Lewis’ head. Any NBA player who puts him on his back will find a crisp $20 bill in their locker after the game. Any player who ends his career gets a Rolls Royce. If he dies (and yes, he must be declared medically, legally dead by a physician of my choosing), you can have my most prized possession in all the world: my autographed Bill Walton head shot.

Are we clear on the stipulations? Excellent. Ready, set, BOUNTY!

Halftime Thoughts

I don’t mean to be a negativity spreader, but to paraphrase Larry Legend, we’re playing like a bunch of girls tonight. We’re down 22. At the half.

I’m going to be extremely disappointed if it turns out that the formula for beating us is just to turn up the aggressive dial defensively. LA did it. Boston did it. In a way, Golden State did it (until they remembered that they weren’t supposed to play any defense and started jogging from three point line to three point line so they could get up more shots), and Philly’s doing it tonight. Yes, I realize that Boston and the LA Kobe are arguably the best two teams in basketball, and yes, I know we played them on their own turf, but don’t dismiss what I’m saying. When defenders start slapping at us and we don’t get any whistles, we start to get intimidated. Watch for it.

Sidenote: I contacted Oregon Mentors after watching that awesome commercial and asked them if I could have Greg as my new dad, what with my real one being a drunk and all. According to them, I “misunderstood what the program is about.” They also reminded me that I’m actually three years older than Greg. Oh well. It was worth a shot.

Michael thinks we’ll see Brandon isolated at the top of the key with four flat on the baseline. I hope he’s right, because moving the ball around the perimeter is working about as well as whatever the hell Custer’s plan was at Little Bighorn.

Tony’s wearing a great tie tonight. Doesn’t he always wear the nicest ties? Man, they’re nice.

Third Quarter

5:22 – Mike Rice says (once again) that he’ll get a faux hawk if the Blazers lead after this quarter. Ah, the impossible dream.

5:23 – More classic Mike Rice: “Wow. NICE....uh....herring...uh.....herringbone suit there on Rudy! Really looks...........GOOD. He probably bought that in SPAIN.”

Mike Rice, everybody!

5:24 – Brandon takes the hit on his pinky splint and still scores. As he steps to the line, I remember what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving. Boy, it really doesn’t look like Philly’s got that eye of the tiger coming out of the locker room. Come on Blaze, let’s rumble. Think Clubber Lang before Rocky went to L.A. with Apollo.

5:25 – Angry Greg tosses in a lefty hook. Batum swats a shot, and Bayles is going to the line after getting fouled on the break. Wow, maybe this Clubber Lang thing will actually work. Ummm…C’mon Balboa! Make me weak!!!

5:30 – We’re on an 8-0 run, capped by a lefty jam from Brandon off the pretty LMA dish. Philly calls time. Immediately after the break, Big Sam takes steps and Brandon drills home a 15-footer! Philly wants to talk it over again. More! More Clubber! Shut up old man, I ain’t goin’ NO WHERE!!!!

5:35 – LaMarcus gets hit in the lane and somehow flips in a 23 skidoo layup. No whistle. Whatever. Nicolas finds the range from three, and suddenly it’s an EIGHT POINT GAME. OK, OK, umm......mohawk....gold chains....uh...shredded pectorals...and....I’m angry. REALLY angry. Hey woman! Hey woman!!! I bet you cry yourself to sleep every night, wishin’ you had a real man, don’t you? I tell you what. You bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I’ll SHOW you a real man.

5:39 – Wow, I just noticed the gold tie that Nate’s wearing this evening. Beautiful.

5:42 – Well, I guess I was wrong. It is indeed possible to say “Jay Lee’s Gladstone Honda” 46 times in two 30-second commercials. Looks like I owe Striker (bastard in green pants) a fiver, and OH MY GOD SASQUATCH SITING. Fourth row. Grizzly Adams is in the building, people. And what’s better? He’s wearing a Greg jersey. Yessssss.

5:47 – Oh, yeah, I almost forgot – there was a basketball game going on here somewhere. Hmm...well, it seems the lead has swelled back to 14, and...oh sweet Jesus, here comes Channing Frye again. Fantastic. What’s that? Mike Rice loves this move? I never would have guessed. For the record, I’m giving this decision one frye with no frye sauce.

5:48 – Channing immediately pops a 20-footer, and it’s a 10-point game. OK, fine. Two fryes. Shut up.

Fourth Quarter

5:52 – I would use many adjectives to describe the sandwiches that I purchase at Subway, but “FLAYVALICIOUS” is not among them.

5:54 – Aldridge does his best “Don Nelson in Game 7 of the ’69 Finals” impression. We’re not dead yet.

5:55 – Reggie Evans strikes again by pushing Channing in the back after elbowing Brandon upside the head (no whistle on that one, naturally). OK, you know what? I’m upping the bounty. You put him out, and you get the keys to my house for a month. Do what you want, when you want. I’m not going to ask any questions. Seriously, though. That Reggie Evans is a bad man. He’s like some sort of evil, black, basketball-wielding Santa Claus.

5:57 – Travis makes a brilliant defensive play and then immediately makes a boneheaded one. Welcome to the Travis Outlaw Experience, Sixers fans.

6:00 – Both teams play hard. We’re trading buckets, which is no good. We gotta get some stops or we’re done sauce.

6:02 – I swear to God, Evans thinks he’s playing under prison rules. Forget the NBA, that guy should be fighting Kimbo Slice in a backyard somewhere.

6:05 – So, turns out Stevesie suffered a mild shoulder separation, and he’ll be out one to two weeks. God, are we going to miss that guy. By the way, Philly’s up 17, so...yeah.

6:09 – And the answer to the Aflac “Pick A Name That Sounds Vaguely Familiar” is…Bill Walton? You mean...I...I got it...right??? Wow. This might be the greatest day of my life. What’s even cooler is that I actually sort of understood the question when they asked it.

6:11 – Nate waves the white flag and removes Brandon and LMA from the contest. Smart move. Save that energy for tomorrow, boys. Live to fight another day. Of course, there’s still a glimmer of hope for tonight, because.......

6:12 – HERE COMES SHAVLIK!!!!!!

Post-Game Thoughts

I have none. That was the worst I’ve seen us play since the season opener. Yes, that was worse than our TD Banknorth beatdown. At least we were competitive for a while in that one. I gotta tell you, guys. This one stings. Especially after how Greg performed in Chicago. Our lack of Fernandez was wildly apparent. Well, there’s always New Jersey. Later, maniacs.

Quick Update: More Mamba

After reading Joe's well-written update regarding Kobe's unfathomable douchebaggery, I just had to add a little something of my own. A mutual friend of ours (he sort of plays the annoying Joe Pesci role to our Riggs and Murtaugh) is an avid Mamba lover. He brought this little gem to my attention:



Having the serpent's memory that I do, I immediately used my necromancer powers to call upon this little diddy:



I recommend clicking on the video and following the yellow brick road to youtube, where you can enjoy the clip in high quality. I especially enjoy the second slow motion replay of Kobe falling to the hardwood, soaking wet with his own shame. And sweat. But mainly, his own shame.

Hypocrisy, thy name be Kobe. Suck it, Mamba.

Update: Kobe vs. Spurs

Last night featured a glorious Western Conference Finals rematch between the LA Kobe and the San Antonio Spurs. Both teams shot a ridiculous percentage and the game came down the the final shot. Some might credit the Spurs for their gutty win at the last second. Some might fault Derek Fisher for a silly foul to give Roger Mason the opportunity to put the Spurs ahead. Some might criticize the refs for a ticky-tacky call on that same shot.

But they are all wrong.

The Kobestopper of the Night is:

Karma. God. Krishna. Ra. Mother Earth. Will Smith. The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Whatever your faith, we can agree that a higher power smote the LA Kobe with a metaphorical bolt of white-hot lightning after the team's namesake hit a 3-pointer to put the LA Kobe up by 2. Now, normally the gods would not interfere with something as trifling as a basketball game, but Fate intervened after it saw the following douchebaggery from Kobe Bryant:



That's right folks, after hitting a shot to put the LA Kobe up by 2 with 12 seconds left, Kobe did the "big balls" dance, apparently at someone in the crowd (sidenote: that person is now an honorary Kobestopper. Thank you, mysterious stranger).

Now, there are a lot of circumstances where I would not be the least bit surprised to see Kobe do the big balls dance:

- If Kobe hits a game-winner with no time on the clock,

- If Kobe was getting criticized for his clutch performance and then hit a big shot,

- If Kobe had this man's horrible affliction (NSFW and pretty gross, you've been warned) when "Yeah!" by Usher ft. Ludacris came on in the club.

But not when you have merely put your team ahead with lots of time on the clock.It's not like you're "silencing the critics." It's pretty much agreed that you are the best clutch player in the game. Don't be a douchebag.

Too late.

Quick Update: ESPN Chat with Drex

In case you guys missed it, here's the transcript from Clyde's live chat yesterday on ESPN dot com. Good stuff over there on the ESPNs.

Here's my IM conversation with Striker (green pants) from yesterday regarding Clyde's beautiful arrogance during the disappointingly brief half-hour long chat:

Striker (1:44:29 PM): dude
Striker (1:44:31 PM): oh my god
Striker (1:44:38 PM): this clyde drexler chat is so hilarious
Striker (1:44:46 PM): JON (NY, NY): In the current league where there is no hand checking and no ruff play how much better would your numbers be?
Striker (1:44:53 PM): Clyde Drexler: Oh, tremedously better, from shooting percentage to points per game everything would be up, and our team would score a lot more points, and we scored a lot back then. I do think there should be an asterisk next to some of these scoring leader, because it is much different with a forearm in your face. It is harder to score with resistence. You had to turn your back on guys defending you back in the day with all the hand checking. For guys who penetrate these days, it's hunting season. Yes, now you can play zone, but team rarely do.
Striker (1:45:08 PM): Kevin, Portland, OR: If Arvydas Sabonis had come over immediately after he was drafted in 1986, do you think you would have won a title with the Blazers?
Striker (1:45:13 PM): Clyde Drexler: We would have had four, five or six titles. Guaranteed. He was that good. He could pass, shoot three pointers, had a great post game, and dominated the paint. And he would have been younger. He was very effective in the NBA as an older player who had suffered an ankle injury
Blade (1:45:43 PM): Yeah, and i LOVE how he dumps on MJ toward the end
Blade (1:45:46 PM): Ronaldo Blackman
Blade (1:45:48 PM): classic
Blade (1:46:05 PM): why didn't he just say Alex English, or Sidney Moncrief or Tom Chambers
Blade (1:46:07 PM): hahaha
Striker (2:21:28 PM): hahaha

In case you didn't bother to click, or are a victim of some strange retardation that prevents you from doing so, Clyde basically says this:

"We would have won six titles with Sabas. We would have scored 150 points per game and I would have scored 45 per game with no hand checking on the perimeter. Scoring leaders today need asterisks by their names. MJ was not that good."

Thank you, Clyde. You are a beautiful animal.

Links! Basketball Links!

OK boys and girls, you know the routine by now. Who's ready for some videos des baskets?

"Ees a sooprize."

I imagine all of you maniacs out there have seen the NBA's "Vote one of these talented rookies into the Dunk...er...the SPRITE RISING SUPERNOVA SLAMSATION!" commercials during a recent Blazer broadcast. I must confess, one particular candidate has wooed me into a full-blown schoolboy man crush. He did this with two simple, beautiful words:

"Vote me."

And so we will, Rudy. We will vote you. As God as my witness, people...if you don't vote him...heads will roll.

Heads. Will roll.

He's Old Greg


Striker (green pants) has brought it to my attention that we've made many an Old Greg joke on this little electroperiodical of ours, and yet simple theory and calculation would indicate that very few if any readers have actually seen the material we've been referencing.

So, after watching the above video, if you want to play the game, all you do is this:
1) Scream "I'm Old Greg!!" after every Greg dunk.
2) Scream "Make an assessment!" after every Greg block.
3) Say "Do you love me?" after Greg makes a free throw.
4) Say "Funk Shake" if he misses a free throw.

Oh, and make sure you're drinking more whiskey than you probably should during all this. Ummmm...yeah. That's the clincher, really.

"De La Hoya/Pacquiao"


OK, scale of one to ten, how disappointed were you that they didn't let Pryz and T-Chand throw down? I'm a 17, personally. Even with a broken wrist, I figure the line is about:

Pryz: -475
Chandler: +380

Tyson's got that huge reach, but something tells me Pryz's heart, chin, and effective body punching would spell disaster for the chicken strip king. In fact, I've taken the liberty of simulating what the fight would look like had it occurred, and it goes a little something like this:


Special thanks to Bustabucket for uploading the Comcast clip. One final note: check out the old guy in the championship era sweater at 1:22 and 4:00. First, he admonishes Chandler for his poor sportsmanship. Then, after Chandler is ejected, Old Guy patronizingly stands and waves "bye-bye" as Chandler exits the floor. I don't know who this man is, but I need to find out. I'm making him another of my honorary grandpas.

Well, that's the end of the road, maniacs. Now go get ready for a tough Philly squad headed by none other than our former father-figure and sometimes lover, Mo Cheeks.

Quick Update: Travis Outlaw

It has now become clear to me that the conversation between Adam and I which occurred yesterday was not only a catalyst for a big night from Travis, but also a metaphorical examination of Outlaw's time with the Blazers. While his skin is an exoskeleton of super hard space diamond, inside lies a delicate creature of great emotion.

This silly conversation is truly a microcosmic discussion of Travis' role and future with the Blazer franchise. Let's hope that, after a few more games like last night's tiger-eating, 33-point explosion, Travis can truly be "freed to wild celebration in the streets."



Or does "the opening of human-extraterrestrial relations" infer that Travis will be traded in order to find the right piece to the championship puzzle? Only time will tell.

The Kobestoppers’ Triumphant Return!

It’s official, the Kobestoppers have returned from a long holiday hiatus. Now I know what you all are thinking: “These guys are too lazy to keep the blog updated over the holidays.”

WRONG.

In fact, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for our extended absence, and since you readers are so skeptical and rude, I will share it with you:

Three weeks ago, Mike and I received a crucial message from an anonymous source.



Naturally, Mike (from now on to be referred to as Blade, the one with the white pants) and I (from now on to be referred to as Striker, the one with the green pants) took this as a direct challenge to our manhood. Oh, and I guess we wanted to save the president too.

We took to the streets, defeating countless ninjas which swarmed at us like clouds of angry insects. These ninjas (as well as ninja women and attack dogs) were highly skilled in combat and used a variety of methods of attack, including charging blindly, leaping with sword drawn, and tossing caltrops on the ground to limit our movement.

However, it quickly became clear that these ninjas underestimated our badness. With an arsenal of moves at our disposal, Blade and I (Striker) came at them like a whirlwind of green and white cloth, tossing around spinning kicks and nunchaku strikes like confetti at a parade.

To make a long story short, Blade and Striker saved the president and, after a quick round of burgers with the commander-in-chief, they took a well-deserved break.



Now that we’re all square, it’s time for a rundown of major events since the Bad Dudes last stopped Kobe:

12/22/08 – The Blazers lost 97-89 to a Carmello-less Nuggets team in Denver. Early foul trouble for Roy and Oden led to a poor start and the Blazer offense never really got flowing. The Birdman soared for 11 points, 3 rebounds, and a nauseating 6 blocks. I guess Nietzsche was right: God is dead. Either that or He’s a Nuggets fan, which is even worse.

12/23/08 – The Blazers won 101-92 over a Carmello-less Nuggets team in Portland. After scoring 14 points in the fourth quarter the night before, the Blazers put up 34 in the fourth quarter of this game. The Birdman was held to 8 points and 4 rebounds. Hallelujah.

12/25/08 – The Mavericks stole Christmas away from the Blazers, 102-94. In a close game, Portland was unable to score in the last 2:30. Dirk Nowitski had 30 points and has a tiny black heart. Jason Terry is an elf with gigantism.

12/27/08 – A gusty fourth-quarter performance by Roy gave the Blazers a 102-89 home win over the floundering Raptors. We found out later that Roy has strained a hamstring and is day-to-day, not exactly what Blazer fans wanted to hear before the big showdown against Boston.

12/30/08 – No Roy? No problem. The Blazers rode the hot shooting of Steve Blake and an angry Greg Oden to a 91-86 victory over the defending champs. This game is now infamous for the “6-on-5 play” in which the Blazers scored at the end of the third quarter with six men on the court. Perhaps just as memorable was the stupendous amount of bitching by my Boston fan friends that followed.

1/2/09 – The Roy-less Blazers were outscored 41-19 in the last 15 minutes of the game to lose 92-77 to New Orleans at home. Ugh. The only bright spot came in the form of a spat between Tyson Chandler and our own Vanilla Gorilla which resulted in Chandler’s ejection. After the game, Joel was quoted as saying “I told him he cries more than my 3-year-old son. He got mad.” Hooray for Pryz.

1/4/09 – The second showdown of the year against the LA Kobe ended much like the first. A lackluster third quarter for Portland resulted in a 100-86 victory for Mamba & Co. The Blazer bench scored a total of 10 points in the loss. Roy was greatly missed.

1/6/09 – LA Kobe stopped in Staples Center by the Hornets. Official Kobestopper of the Week Award goes to David West: 40/11 with two assists. Huzzah!

1/7/09 – Still without Roy, the Blazers defended the Rose Garden against a streaking Pistons team which surely had revenge on its mind from the Portland win in Detroit. This resulted in what was possibly the worst first half of basketball the Blazers have played all season. The Portland zone looked like a gigantic, spread-out turd, which, other than causing traction problems for the opposing team and possibly distracting them with its stench, is not going to prevent much scoring. Fortunately the second half was much better and, after a clutch jumper by Travis with seconds on the clock, Portland escaped with an 84-83 win.

1/9/09 – Dariusgate reaches full fervor. I don’t want to get too deep into these details, so let me refer you HERE if you want to know more (Thanks to Timmmay! at Blazer's Edge). It sucked.

1/10/09 – The Blazers outlasted the Warriors 113-100, behind 26 points from Aldridge and a newly returned Roy. Five players in double figures is a good amount.



That brings us to tonight, where the Blazers will face off against the Chicago Bulls in Illinois. Let me preview the game by providing you with the following pregame IM conversation between myself and my friend Adam (a Nuggets fan):

Adam: I hope that, during tonight’s game, a tiger escapes from the zoo and finds its way to the arena where it is being played. It runs onto the court and rips off Travis Outlaw's face, much to the horror of the other players and the spectators.

Me: Newsflash: Travis Outlaw is an alien, his skin actually an exoskeleton of super hard space diamond, and he would eat the tiger in one bite.

Adam: Well in that case, I'm calling the INS and he will be held in custody until an interstellar extradition is arranged between earth and his home planet, sending him back to where he came from. But only after serving a lengthy jail sentence in federal prison for fabricating citizenship documents and tampering with the interstate commerce that is the NBA.

Me: But, everyone would be safe from the tiger and he would be a national hero. Hundreds of thousands would gather at his hearings, supporting him until he is eventually freed to wild celebration in the streets, thus resulting in the opening of human-extraterrestrial relations and the greatest technological leap in human history.
The end of global warming, pollution, hunger, disease, war: a renaissance unlike any other.

All thanks to your tiger. So, thank you.

Adam: Regardless of all this, the Blazers would still be forced to forfeit all their victories due to their use of an illegal player and they would not go to the playoffs, which to me is far more satisfying than the end of war, poverty, global warming, etc.

Me: Typical Nuggets fan.

Adam: Typical Blazers fan.



I love the NBA.