tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43537191172356586862024-03-05T07:20:21.527-08:00KobestoppersWhere we, you know, basically, stop Kobe...Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11801017069511981755noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-5789365960636657782009-04-27T12:27:00.000-07:002009-04-27T12:46:24.135-07:00Sunday: It's hard to look in the mirrorAnd not just for the normal reasons.<br /><br />For some well-reasoned thoughts on Sunday's game, please head over to <a href="http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=78095052427&h=e4KCo&u=l7M-e&ref=nf">I Think I Know Now</a>, the glorious and infallible blog of Kobestopper Theen.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-44196517116607197622009-04-23T19:38:00.000-07:002009-04-24T01:27:05.586-07:00Wed/Thurs: Four games you might not care aboutWhat's up, maniacs? Cool, cool. Oh, what's up with me? Oh, nothing really. Well, I mean, I was on the verge of beating Super Star Wars on SNES today until my roommate's cat "accidentally" stepped on the reset button, but...yeah. OK, I'm just going to get to the game notes before I divulge exactly how I decided to murder Mr. Whiskers...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Wednesday</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Heat at Hawks: Game 2, Atlanta leads 1-0</span><br /><br />- Oh my God. They have a LIVE HAWK chained to some guard rail on the lower level. Is that allowed? Aren't there regulations against -- OH MY GOD IT'S F***ING LOOSE. Spirit the Falcon has now attached himself to the basket support behind the glass. What is going on? Don't they have to stop play because of this? How is this safe? Couldn't he -- OK NOW HE'S PERCHED ON ONE OF TNT'S CAMERAS. Will somebody take care of this, please? Oh my God, now the bird is actually DIVE BOMBING the playing surface, and....and...Danny Crawford is mildly amused??? Oh boy. The same cannot be said for Kenny Mauer. I pity that poor falconer.<br /><br />- Did you guys like Erik Spoelstra in "The Guru" as much as I did?<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdG__iFwwhams1h_pREOOIm3AV0-XMbL-kMD2Wd7T5hOQnScF5Vtx63vaXPhlMzR-eYqZ9L-2HyiOhvdmYoCWPRC2GU7JjTvjLi4V5Wz-ikZ9qYOXQPDiSKW49C1kzpCbjpHuzFiwKszxk/s1600-h/Guru-spoelstra.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 279px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdG__iFwwhams1h_pREOOIm3AV0-XMbL-kMD2Wd7T5hOQnScF5Vtx63vaXPhlMzR-eYqZ9L-2HyiOhvdmYoCWPRC2GU7JjTvjLi4V5Wz-ikZ9qYOXQPDiSKW49C1kzpCbjpHuzFiwKszxk/s400/Guru-spoelstra.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5328105232876136066" border="0" /></a><br />- I just noticed Zaza Pachulia has the most epic back-acne I've ever seen. Dear God, TNT, cut away from it! Cut away!!!<br /><br />- I want to see Mike Brown vs. Mike Woodson in a Mr. Potato Head Competition. My money's on Woodson. Joe, I know you're going to disagree, and I will gladly take your money.<br /><br />- OK, you might wanna guard Dwyane Wade right about now. He's sort of destroying you and evening the seri -- annnnnd it's too late.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 102);">Hornets at Nuggets: Game 2, Denver leads 1-0</span><br /><br />- PJ's sporting a yellow sportcoat/tie combo that would even make Jack Ramsay cringe. Yikes.<br /><br />- Of course, it's hard to properly enjoy PJ's outfit when the audio and video aren't synched for the start of the game. TNT: We know five second delays on live sporting events.<br /><br />- Matt Devlin: "And HERE. COMES. THE BIRDMAN!" Every time I see Andersen snarl, my ulcer eats through my stomach lining just a tiny bit more.<br /><br />- Note to PJ: Clear your DAMN throat during the next commercial break. It's like listening to gravel being thrown into a wood chipper. Unless of course you're still suffering some ill effects from the Latrell Sprewell incident, in which case, my bad.<br /><br />- If I have to watch one more ad for either "Meet the Browns" or "House of Payne," I swear to God I'm going to destroy my roommate's really, really expensive television.<br /><br />- Birdman gathers a Billups miss and throws it down over two innocent Hornet bystanders as the Pepsi Center erupts. Hornets fans everywhere are frantically trying to come up with reasons not to pull a Chris Walken in "Deer Hunter."<br /><br />- After an easy alley-oop from Paul to Chandler, George Karl makes his "Oh f***, I just saw my daughter on Girls Gone Wild" face.<br /><br />- Rex Chapman in the booth! Represent! Wait, did he used to play basketball or something? The good news is, if he drops about 40 pounds, he could totally land a gig next to Berman and Golic on the NutriSystem commercials.<br /><br />- I have to tell you guys, I absolutely adore "Dog the Bounty Hunter." I love his hair. I love his lady's enormous bust. I love his family of Hunters. I love that he loves Jesus and always gives the fugitives his life story when he brings them in. What? Oh, the game? Don't worry about it. It was over at halftime.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Thursday</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Celtics at Bulls: Game 3, series tied 1-1</span><br /><br />- Pierce is shredding the Bulls early. He’s five-for-five with 11 points, and we’re only six minutes into the game. How much longer can he keep this up before he needs a hip replacement and/or is committed to a mental institution? This type of intensity can’t be healthy. Look at KG, for God’s sake.<br /><br />- What do you guys think Brad Miller’s maximum vertical leap is at this point? Four inches? Five? I think we need to have an Old Guy Combine so we can find these things out for certain. Outside of Miller’s vert, highlights would include Shaq’s baseline-to-baseline and Jason Kidd’s shuttle drill. And we could make it really interesting by applying side bets to each competition. Like, if Kidd doesn’t beat <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/espnradio/story?id=3954059">Collin Cowherd’s time</a>, he has to retire. Tell me you wouldn’t watch this.<br /><br />- Stretching the lead to 12, Rondo channels Bob Cousy and hits Cry Baby Davis down low for an easy two with a beautiful look-away bounce pass. Vinnie calls time to stop the bleeding (T-minus 18 minutes until total depletion of allowed timeouts!)<br /><br />- Scalabrine sighting! That white-on-green number 44 has never looked so sexy. My God, it’s like Danny Ainge gained 200 pounds by eating nothing but corndogs and Velveeta. If Scalabrine’s nickname isn’t already The White Whale, it should be. They should make a bio-pic about Scalabrine called My Big Fat Pale Ugly Worthless Basketball Player.<br /><br />- Wow, while I was ranting, it seems Boston went up 59-37. Must be the Scalabrine factor.<br /><br />- With Boston up 26 with 4:00 to play in the third, we are treated to a Tim Thomas Special. Here’s the rundown of events: Tim receives the ball with the shot clock winding down, takes a couple of complacent dribbles, jacks up a 20-footer that’s partially blocked by Baby Davis, falls to his backside, then, presumably to prevent the potentially deadly five-on-four advantage that Boston would have, fouls Rondo in the backcourt while still lying on the ground. I don’t even want to know many Chicago fans just screamed, “GOOD GOD, JUST GET UP OFF THE FLOOR YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!!” To any Bucks, Clippers or Suns fans who happen to be reading this right now, this is your cue to nod and smile. Tim Thomas, everybody!<br /><br />- The lead is an even 30, and we have an ongoing battle of titans down on the block: Brian Scalabrine vs. Aaron Gray. If I had my way, this would be the UFC’s next main event. Can you even picture these two throwing down? It would finally answer the age-old question of “who would win if a 300-pound vanilla Snack Pack fought a goofy, effeminate polar bear?” I should probably stop watching this game now, huh?<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Lakers at The Family Circus: Game 3, Lakers lead 2-0</span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br />- I feel like this picture speaks for itself:<br /><br /></span></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY5d1n6ArernpeYFDaccl7k3X4RffpDqS26mo5l5vWJjA9gObYBdU0q3nycHof9YcH3XgOwiq6gN-nq5xXW_iTnXTSRbeqZIgpFwzos9PDegD1YFQf09KwbQzF3P7oy0zqCeHNrWJuBifP/s1600-h/familycircus.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 215px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY5d1n6ArernpeYFDaccl7k3X4RffpDqS26mo5l5vWJjA9gObYBdU0q3nycHof9YcH3XgOwiq6gN-nq5xXW_iTnXTSRbeqZIgpFwzos9PDegD1YFQf09KwbQzF3P7oy0zqCeHNrWJuBifP/s400/familycircus.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5328109247540126306" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">In case you were wondering, I like the Lakers in 5. Two weeks ago, when Striker and I conceived of doing a potential playoff preview (you know, before we got lazy and abandoned the concept after we did two teams...) featuring the Family Cir...er...the Jazz, this is what we wrote:<br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Let's be honest here, the Jazz have been bitten by the injury bug as hard or harder than any other team in the Western Conference. First it was Deron Williams' ankle, then Boozer's knee, then Jeffy skinned his elbow, then Kirilenko, then PJ messed his diapers, then Boozer again, then Thelma caught a cold and couldn't watch the kids, even Millsap for a while. It wasn't until the last few weeks that the Jazz managed to field a full roster and they responded by posting a 12-game winning streak from mid February through March. Things were looking good in SLC.</span> <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><br /><br />And then they decided to visit the Rose Garden.</span> <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"> Oops.</span> <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><br /><br />Hey, whose idea do you think it was to come to Portland? I bet it was Jeffy's. He's always getting into trouble without regard for potential consequences. It's OK, Jeffy, Gramps still loves you.</span> <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"> Although actually, in Utah's Family Circus, Grandpa Sloan probably loves absolutely no one. That's not a knock on the players; that's just a comment on the frequency with which Jerry Sloan sports his "f*** my life, we just turned the ball over again" face, which to me indicates that he's a little frustrated with his team's inability to win on the road.</span> <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><br /><br />Now this doesn't mean that Grandpa Sloan doesn't care for his youngsters; it just means that he's a crazy, ancient, irritable sloth who wants things done his way. But those darned kids just won't listen to him. All they want to do is head on down to the Sugar Bowl and order double-scoop waffle cones that poor old Gramps will have to pay for. And all the while, he'll have to listen to Thelma's whiny, nasally exaggerations about how talented and precocious his team is on the inside.</span> <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><br /><br />Oh, Billy! You mispronounced spumoni! What a hilarious misunderstanding!</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br />I'm not really sure what that has to do with anything at this point, but I figured it would give us all another excuse to laugh at the Jazz, so....you know, there it is.<br /><br />- Back to the game, and I must admit that I love, love, LOVE the way Marv Albert says "Ari</span></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">z</span></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">a</span></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">." Try </span></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">it out; it's fun. Trevorrrr UhhhhRRREEEEEEEZUHHHHH.<br /><br />- I seem to have nodded off for the majority of the second quarter. I was awakened in the middle of the third period when Phil Jackson called a timeout. Now, I'll have to check my Bible, but I'm pretty sure that's one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse. Yep, never mind, pestilence is already riding out onto the court. We're all screwed.<br /><br />- Wow, Jerry Sloan is actually giving Craig Sager a decent interview as the fourth quarter starts. That has to be the most informative, least "get the hell out of my face" in-game interview I've ever seen a coach give to a sideline reporter.<br /><br />- Suddenly the Jazz are charging, and it's a three point game with 10 minutes to play. Don't go away on this one.<br /><br />- Matt Harpring is tearing it UP. The brilliant strategist he is, Coach Jackson decides to remove Luke Walton from the game in favor of someone who can stay in front of Matt Harpring -- you know, like Bea Arthur.<br /><br />- With Utah up three with 3:21 remaining, Deron Williams is called for an eight-second violation. Would you like me to repeat that, insane Jazz fans who still insist that D-Will is better than CP3? OK, fine. One play does not a season make, and Chris hasn't exactly been scorching against the Nugs, but I don't care. If I could pick one guy in the world to run my team from the point, it would be Chris Paul, and I have a feeling that just about everybody outside of Salt Lake City would agree with me.<br /><br />- It would seem that the Mamba was only destined to strike at ninety-EIGHT percent accuracy and precision at maximum speed this evening. Hey, maybe this will turn into a series after all. Anything the Family Circus can do to tire the legs of LA before we face them in round two is fine by me.<br /><br />That's all she wrote, maniacs. Start smearing on that war paint for tomorrow night.<br /></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-68450437102532973252009-04-22T14:09:00.000-07:002009-04-22T16:45:00.104-07:00Tuesday: Hail to The King - The NaturalIt was prophesied by the ancient ones that one day a savior would descend upon Rip City from the uncharted northern territories to deliver them from the darkness that had devoured their once prosperous land. It was said that this Warrior of Time would possess the strength of 10,000 mortal men and wield strange magic capable of defeating any foe. Citizens of Portland, the time of deliverance is upon you. For the one they call Roy has fulfilled his destiny. I give you The Natural:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/iZj5kU8KbGA&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/iZj5kU8KbGA&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Game 2 was a dogfight. Houston fought us tooth-and-nail for 48 minutes, but each time they made a push, Brandon whipped out his shotgun and his chainsaw and started screaming, "Okay....who wants some? HUH? How about you? YOU want a little? HUH???? HUH???!!!!"<br /><br />I can't wait to bounce somebody else's grandchild on my knee and tell them about the time Brandon Roy put the team on his back and scored 42 points to even the series at a game a piece. I'm positively giddy about the fact that I now have new Blazers stories to tell. I couldn't be happier with how Brandon stepped up and hit big shot after big shot, despite getting virtually no whistles at the rim.<br /><br />That said, it wasn't ALL about Brandon last night (only 80-85% about Brandon, I'd say), which is why I have a few game notes for all you maniacs:<br /><br />- I gotta show LMA some love. Way to step your game up, big man. I was begging for that fade-away over the right shoulder all during Game 1, since Scola was clogging up the lane so nicely. The L-Train did not disappoint, rolling for 27 and 12 on 11 for 19 shooting. The scoring was nice, but the rebounding was huge. Without that effort, Houston definitely wins the rebounding battle and possibly steals the game.<br /><br />- Joey Crawford gives calls to the road team out of spite. I think he's obsessed with proving that he doesn't feel pressure from the fans to make calls for the home team. I'm convinced of this, so don't try to tell me any different. I will hear no more arguments.<br /><br />- In a battle of Old Lion vs. Old Lion, Greg asserted his dominance as the oldest player on the court and snatched the cobweb-covered torch from the worn and wrinkly hands of Dikembe Mutombo. In all seriousness, it's really unfortunate that Dikembe went down like that. He's done a ton for the game and a ton for his country. He exemplifies everything that a pro athlete should be. You know when a guy goes down and every one of his teammates runs out to check on him that the injured player is important to his team. Dikembe has said that he will need surgery and that his playing days are over. What a shame. Thanks for the memories, big man. I, for one, will be extremely disappointed if you are not <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNsVLFhJJUs">courtside</a> for next year's All-Star Weekend.<br /><br />- Derrick Stafford, you are a prince. Your whistle was the second most important factor in keeping us in that game next to Brandon being the new Jesus.<br /><br />- When Brandon hit that three-pointer to close out the first quarter, I stood up and started screaming profanity without discretion at Ron Artest. Seriously you guys, I'm pretty sure half the stuff I yelled isn't even in Webster's Cursing Dictionary. So, you know, don't let me hang out with your kids, I guess.<br /><br />- I was loving the Twin Towers for all THREE MINUTES they were allowed to be on the floor at the same time. What a joke. My good friend, Mambasucker T, informed me earlier today that Houston fans were actually complaining about the officiating being unfair to Yao. To that, I will say this: Greg fouled out for playing the EXACT same type of defense as The Great Wall, whereas Yao could have pulled a gun, taken four spectators hostage and executed one of them at midcourt, all while spraying bullets at anything in a white jersey, and he wouldn't have picked up that fifth foul. So just shut up, OK?<br /><br />- I liked the energy Rudy brought to the floor. I would really like to see him running off more picks away from the ball. It seems to me that Houston is excellent at packing the middle and playing on-ball defense. Away from the ball, however, shooters are getting free. Rudy found some gold coming off of picks, as did The Natural. I hope to see much more movement away from the ball so that Brandon doesn't have to do an MJ impression every night in order for us to win.<br /><br />- We were finally able to run against this team, and it payed off big time. No doubt that we have a much easier time scoring after a defensive board than when we're constantly pulling the ball out of our own net. Houston is so physical on D that it helps to have a little chaos in the half court, which is exactly what happens after a failed fast break attempt. In other words, most of the time we get a better look in the halfcourt after we don't score on the break as opposed to walking it up. The moral of the story? Defense leads to offense.<br /><br />- Houston is making a lot of difficult shots, especially AB and RonRon. Don't get me wrong, both are getting plenty of good looks at the rim, but there are also a fair share of shots that probably make Rick Adelman want to pull that goatee right off his face. Both of these guys are playing at a high level right now, but those off-balance jumpers that hang on the rim for seven seconds can't continue to go in with the frequency they have for the first two games. They're going to have an off shooting night at least once while they're at home. When that happens, we've got to seize the moment and step on their throat.<br /><br />- I've also heard some clamoring from the other side that Pryz is a flopper. You know what, Rockets fans? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Scola and Yao put on Oscar-worthy performances every night they hit the hardwood, so don't start crying about Pryz drawing Yao's fourth foul with that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3douqMY4e9M">Barry Horowitz</a>-level sell job.<br /><br />- Finally, I've been a little disappointed that Young Nicolas hasn't affected the series more. RonRon had a huge first quarter on Tuesday and got plenty of good looks in Game 1. Maybe we need to see The Dragon Emperor covering Brooks in Game 3, with Brandon defending Artest? No matter how you slice it, these Rockets are scoring effectively against our D. Come on Nicky, I want to see you flying around out there like a wasp on crystal meth. Steals, blocks, hands in faces, transition threes, whatever you can do to make a difference. It's time for Boom Boom Batum to make some noise.<br /><br />That's all we got for you, maniacs. Check back for more playoff coverage as it develops, and keep the faith. Friday, we shake up the world.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-54768574449902765762009-04-21T01:46:00.000-07:002009-04-21T12:33:22.250-07:00Monday: Celts, Spurs fire backWhat better way to kill time waiting for Tuesday than to watch some hoops on Monday? Let's not waste any time and get right to my game logs.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bulls at Celtics</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br /><br />- The first quarter comes to a close. Cue "Thunderstruck." Why is TNT so desperate for their audience to be middle-aged white men? Crank. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Dat</span>. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Souljah</span>. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">BOI</span>.<br /><br />- Jada <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Pinkett</span> Smith Smith as a sexy, compassionate nurse who bends all those bureaucratic hospital rules to help her patients????? Why, that sounds like the most original idea for a TV series that I've ever heard. Sign me up RIGHT NOW.<br /><br />- <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Mikki</span> Moore's hair makes him look like a super tall, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">gangly</span>, black <a href="http://www.starz.com/titles/BattlefieldEarth/PublishingImages/battlefield_earth_2000_685x385.jpg">John Travolta</a> in "Battlefield Earth."<br /><br />- Both Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins are insisting on referring to Lindsay Hunter as Lindsay LEE Hunter. Like that's going to make us forget that he's both bad at basketball and is the only dude in the room who turns his head when you say, "Hey, Lindsey." Right.<br /><br />- Watch the guy on the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bxf2lRTsejA">left.</a><br /><br />- Wow, I have to admit. I am impressed. Kevin <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Garnett</span> is absolutely giving <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Dikembe</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Mutombo</span> a run for the money in the Sideline Cheerleader department. TNT just held a 17-second shot of KG calmly talk-shouting something into <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Mikki</span> Moore's ear from roughly one inch away. I can only assume he was telling <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Mikki</span> that mercy is for the weak and instructing him to sweep <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">somebody's</span> leg. Wow.<br /><br />- OK, that Popeye's commercial was slightly less racist than <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aWS0StFM5I&feature=related">Fuzzy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Zoeller</span></a> but slightly more racist than <a href="http://www.tc.umn.edu/%7Ehick0088/classes/csci_2101/ojcovers.gif"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">OJ's</span> TIME cover.</a><br /><br />- Charles sticking his tongue out like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Jabba</span> the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Hutt</span> at halftime was the stuff of legend. Now we KNOW who's bringing sexy back.<br /><br />- I swear to God, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">KG's</span> head is going to explode, "Scanners" style.<br /><br />- "Ben Gordon is a flame thrower!" Well put, Kev. As an added bonus, we got to see Ben make that little <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">monocle</span> gesture and say the word "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">motherf</span>***er" in super <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">slo</span>-mo as we went to commercial.<br /><br />- Great shot by Ben Gordon. Great shot by Ray Allen. Great job by Vinnie Del Negro to be out of timeouts at the end of two straight playoff games. Give yourselves a round of applause, gang!<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">Mavs</span> at Spurs</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br /><br />- It's official. Marty Snider is the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">heir apparent</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">to Craig Sager. Good Lord.<br /><br />- Who else misses the Alamo Dome? We all need a little more hot pink and turquoise in our lives if you ask me.<br /><br />- Shot clock violation on Dallas. Coach Carrey makes the same face he did in "Liar Liar" when Audrey tried to take Max away to live in Boston with Carey Elwes.<br /><br />- Pop is so angry with Bruce Bowen after two missed assignments that his beard spontaneously combusts into flame, reducing his once-glorious mane to mere ash. The viewing public rejoices.<br /><br />- In case you were wondering, yes, Drew Gooden still sucks.<br /><br />- Bowen nails a corner three. Honestly, the dude is dangerous from ONE SPOT on the floor. How do you lose him??? Are you wearing blinders? Have you been drinking? Are you Stephon Marbury?<br /><br />- Just as I come to the conclusion that Roger "Clarence" Mason has turned into a quite a good role player, I notice that this game has gotten uglier than Kurt Thomas and decide to flip on over to "Mythbusters."<br /><br />- Oh my freaking God, you guys. They're building a f***ing speedboat out of nothing but ice and newspaper. I'm not even joking.<br /><br /><br /></span></span></span></span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">That's it for now, maniacs. Before I go, though, I want to extend some sincere well wishes to Chuck Daly. You're a hell of a coach, Chuck, and I wish you a speedy recovery.</span></span></span></span></span><br /><br />Hope Houston is ready for a fight, because I have a feeling we are...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-67439623006536531242009-04-20T13:12:00.000-07:002009-04-20T15:42:33.543-07:00Mamba invades NBA Playoff SundayIn an effort to distract myself from what transpired on Saturday night, I've decided to share my notes from Sunday's playoff games with you fine folks. Prepare to snicker like you've never snickered before. Up first:<span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jazz at KOBE<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /></span></span></span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">- "The time I realized I was better than everyone else was my senior year of high school." Wow, Kobe, I never would have thought that about you. I mean, you do such a great job of hiding how great you think you are. YOU ARE THE <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">KANYE</span></span> WEST OF BALLPLAYERS. Ten-to-one says that Kobe dances to "Goodbye Horses" in front of a full body mirror like Buffalo Bill before every game.<br /><br />- Nine straight points by Utah coming out of the half, and still Phil Jackson refuses to call timeout. You know, there's something endearing about his stubbornly hands-off approach to coaching. Even when <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Rambis</span></span> was filling in for him, no timeouts were called. It's like Phil was lying there with his leg all swollen, going over the game plan with Kurt, and he instructed him to never ask for time. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Rambis</span></span> is all worried about getting Kobe enough touches and how many minutes he should play <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Bynum</span></span>, and Phil is like, "No. F***<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ing</span></span>. TIMEOUTS. Got it?"<br /><br />- Mark my words: AK-47 can still be a dangerous player for somebody, especially since <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">nobody's</span></span> going to pay him when his contract expires in two years. I have a feeling that some team is going to steal him off the wire for dirt cheap in 2011. That is, if he doesn't get traded before that and experience his resurgence just in time to sign another huge contract. The NBA: where trying hard during contract years happens.<br /><br />- "Mama, there goes that man." You guys couldn't see it, but Mark Jackson just made that little cross with his forearms from the broadcast booth when he said that. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQdw1NLtMpU">Sick dunk</a> by the Mamba, though. I gotta admit.<br /><br />- Also, as a little bonus, that clip depicts <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Deron</span></span> Williams earning the Jazz a moral victory by denying those soulless <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Laker</span> fans free tacos. Also, the Jazz came back and kept it competitive enough to make Phil play Kobe in the fourth quarter. Good stuff.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="font-weight: bold;">76<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">ers</span> at Magic</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br /><br />- Why do networks insist on hiring the WORST coaches as color commentators? I mean, I realize that typically the bad coaches are the ones in the unemployment line, but <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">PJ</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Carlesimo</span>? Really? You couldn't find Brian Hill's number in the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">ol</span>' Rolodex, huh?<br /><br />- Actually, never mind. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">PJ</span> just said, "Not in my hood!" after Dwight Howard swatted Andre <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Igoudala</span>. I love him now.<br /><br />- Tony <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">DiLeo</span> is pulling out what little hair he has left after his team allowed <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Humpty</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Dumpty</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">Anothony</span> Johnson to go coast-to-coast for a dunk. On the plus side, we all learned that Anthony Johnson is capable of dunking a basketball today. Sources informed me that Otis Smith had to be restrained so he wouldn't sign Johnson to a six-year, $90 million deal.<br /><br />- <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Hmmmm</span>...there must be some mistake. I see <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">JJ</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">Redick</span> on the floor. Um, Stan? It's only an 11-point game. You might want to hold off on giving your ball boy minutes until you've regained a little more <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">momen</span> -- oh, never mind. You lost.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Heat at Hawks</span><br /><br />- *Insert mandatory "Erik <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">Spoelstra</span> looks like he's going to a middle school dance" joke here.*<br /><br />- Looks like Cheryl Miller has recovered from her street brawl with Scot Pollard. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed that the situation didn't escalate further than it did. I would pay SO MUCH MONEY to see them go at in in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">Thunderdome</span>. Man, I wish they had played that game of one-on-one. What if Pollard just backed her down and shot layups all day? There's no way she could stop that. I want Scot Pollard to become the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uQlB99WCuk">Andy Kaufman</a> of one-on-one hoops. I can just see him building himself a belt out of cardboard and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">Bedazzler</span> rhinestones that reads "World <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">Intergender</span> Basketball Champion." Then, out of nowhere, Reggie busts onto the set to defend his big sister's honor by challenging Pollard. Incredulous, Pollard hisses like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">Gollum</span> and shouts, "I do not play against MEN!!!" Tell me you wouldn't watch that.<br /><br />- Yeah, um, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">sombody</span> might want to put a body on Josh Smith around the basket. Might be helpful.<br /><br />- Considering the game was a curb-stomping, I switched over to G4 and caught a couple episodes of "Human Wrecking Balls." Could you have guessed that in the Man vs. Airplane and Man vs. Office Building competitions that Man would kick ass BOTH TIMES???? I love this show.<br /><br />- Another advantage to watching G4? I was bombarded by a mind-numbingly idiotic debate about whether robots or zombies would be first to take over the world. Clearly, the answer is robots.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0); font-weight: bold;">Hornets at Nuggets</span><br /><br />- I want to see Antonio Daniels face off against George Hill in the World Series of Inadequate Backup Point Guards. I'm taking Hill as a slight favorite. I think he's just a TINY bit more worthless than Daniels.<br /><br />- <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">Chauncy</span> vs. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29">CP</span>3 is going to give Rose vs. Rondo a run for the money. I love the playoffs.<br /><br />- If Chandler and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_30">Birdman</span> don't come to blows at least once during this series, I'm chalking it up as a disappointment.<br /><br />- JR Smith just hit the lane out of control and threw the ball to somebody in the third row, causing George Karl to make his "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_31">Hooo</span> boy, I should NOT have ordered that jambalaya" face.<br /><br />- With the game well out of hand, JR hits another heavily contested shot and begins screaming like a mad man. I do not know exactly what he was saying, but I know that it was definitely profanity-laced. The NBA: It's for the children.<br /><br /><br />That's all for now, maniacs, but there's plenty more where that came from. So make sure to keep on coming back to Uncle George's Jambalaya Hut for all the worthless, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_32">snarky</span> playoff coverage you can fit on your plate.<br /></span></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-77074002951936115022009-04-19T03:17:00.000-07:002009-04-19T18:11:55.833-07:00Trail of Tears: NBA Playoff SaturdayIn hindsight, I guess it could have been worse.<br /><br />Brandon's skull could have bounced off the hardwood instead of RonRon's shin, rendering him concussed and consequently unable to play in Game 2.<br /><br />Honestly, I haven't seen this team play that poorly since before the All-Star break. Take nothing away from Houston (or Dikembe Mutombo. Did you SEE him?! He's setting the bar at like 7'8'' for all other potential playoff sideline cheerleaders. If we weren't getting smashed so badly, I would have absolutely loved it). They came into our house tonight and took our heart right from the get-go.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">However, now that I've had a few hours to digest that peanut butter and sadness sandwich that Houston served us, I have a few points to offer in our defense:</span><br /><br />1) My personal favorite broadcasting duo wasn't calling our game tonight. Although Doris Burke and Dave Pasche aren't scrubs (see Mark Jackson, pg. 932), they certainly aren't on the level of Dan Shulman and Jon Barry (The ChromeDomes, as I like to call them). This could have thrown us off. Unlikely, you say? Poppycock.<br /><br />2) We got off to a lousy start. Call it what you want - nerves, jitters, paralyzing fear of failure....No matter what it was, it's out of our system now. No worries.<br /><br />3) Yao was absolutely perfect, and the Rockets shot something like 75% from the field. Great job by them tonight, but they can't sustain that type of production once we get our sea legs under us.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I also would like to mention the low-lights of the evening, just so we're all on the same page:</span><br /><br />1) As we were making our final push, Brandon went to the rack strong and tried to throw it down with his left hand. Dikembe Mutombo, fresh from 1996 apparently, proceeded to climb out of his time machine and swat the attempt like it was a gnat trying to mack on his coleslaw. As the giant, gravel-voiced African waved that familiar finger at the Rose Garden faithful, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.<br /><br />2) Brent Barry packed down an uncontested jam on the baseline midway through the third. Not only that, but they showed it again in slo-mo as they went to commercial. Former slam dunk champ or no, I don't want Brent F***ing Barry dunking on my f***ing team.<br /><br />3) I noticed lots of empty seats in the lower deck before the final whistle blew. That one really stung.<br /><br />4) Jeff Van Gundy is one step closer to his evil prediction of a Rockets romp becoming reality. This must not happen, if not for our sake, then for the rest of the sports viewing public. If Van Gundy's head got any bigger, it'd have its own atmosphere.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Now, the positives:</span><br /><br />1) Adelman did not bring back the mustache. Had he done so, I'm not sure there would be any light at the end of this initially depressing playoff tunnel.<br /><br />2) In the middle of the third period, just as I had advanced to the bargaining stage of the Seven Stages of Getting Blown Out In Game One Of A Playoff Series, I stopped promising to never go out with Madonna again long enough to notice that Greg was actually playing pretty well. This continued through the third and into the fourth, and I have no reason to believe that he won't show up for Game 2.<br /><br />3) Part of me thinks we needed to get our butts kicked. Forget about this series for a second and think about the next 10 years of Trail Blazer basketball. Remember how MJ got bounced from the playoffs by Isiah three years in a row before finally exacting revenge and winning the title? He needed those frustrating losses to those physical Pistons teams in order to become the greatest winner of the modern era. I know it's not the easiest thing in the world to hear, but whether it starts on Tuesday or next fall, we will never forget how it felt to get our butts kicked on our home court, and overcoming that adversity will make us better in the long run.<br /><br />4) Brandon Roy is a champ. He carried us as long as he could, but at some point he needed some help. In an unrelated bit of speculation, my spider-sense is informing me that if the back of Brandon's jersey had somehow magically read "WADE," he would have gotten to the line about 15 more times tonight without changing how he played one iota. I'm just sayin'.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Notes from the other three ballgames:</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">Bulls</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 153, 0);"> at Celtics</span><br /><br />- I greatly enjoyed watching the Rose vs. Rondo duel for "Best PG whose name begins with an R."<br /><br />- Bennett Salvatore is a horrible official. As questionable as some of the calls were in our game, I thank God that we didn't have Salvy, Eddie Rush and Mike Smith (the Cerberus of horrendous officiating) calling our game.<br /><br />- LOTTA douchey Neo-Boston "fans" packin' the TD BANKNORTH FLEET AMERICAN EXPRESS WHATEVER THE BUILDING IS CALLED NOW.<br /><br />- Derrick Rose is a freak of nature.<br /><br />- STARBURY!!!!!11<br /><br />- What's worse than having Vinny Del Negro as a head coach? Why, having Del Harris as an assistant coach, that's what!<br /><br />- Tyrus Thomas is the new Travis Outlaw. I had a freaking heart attack every time that man touched the ball in the fourth quarter.<br /><br />- Absolutely abysmal post-game interview with Rose by Nancy Lieberman. Just...EPIC how bad that was. I award her no points, and may God have mercy on her soul.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">Pistons at Cavs</span><br /><br />- I have to admit that Mo Williams has a pretty stroke. He's the new Derek Fisher. Damn him.<br /><br />- In Van Gundy's fantasy "Superstars '09" competition, I think that LeBron would finish in the top three of every single event. Sprints, high jump, discus, tug-of-war, cow milking, whatever. BronBron's going to win the damn thing, OK?<br /><br />- The Cavs are taking that series in four games. Any doubt in my mind was removed after today's performance.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sidenote: </span><br /><br />Jalen Rose is terrible at his job. While describing Paul Pierce's potentially game-winning free throw, he busted out something along these lines:<br /><br />"Yeah, you don't want to over-analyze too much after the fact, but if Paul makes that free throw, then it's probably over."<br /><br />Really? You think so? Think they would have been safe being up one with two seconds on the clock with Chicago totally out of time outs (Nice one, Vinny!)?<br /><br />Jalen Rose: pretty good ballplayer, woefully bad studio analyst.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">Mavs at Spurs</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">- </span>Methinks the aging Spurs are running on fumes at this point. I'm not counting them out of the series, but they looked tired in the second half.<br /><br />- How exactly do you get beat by Dirk off the dribble, anyway? Wear concrete shoes? Eat a lunch composed entirely of ball bearings and buttermilk pancakes? Matt Bonner, I'm sorry man, but that's like losing a foot race to James Gandolfini. Shame on you.<br /><br />- JJ Barea is now offically nicknamed Speedy Gonzalez. No room for discussion on this one.<br /><br />- I have a feeling the Mavs absolutely CRANKED some <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ot_katYYiU&feature=PlayList&p=2762CEE20EEB4E2A&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=2">Hoff</a> in the locker room during halftime. Think about it.<br /><br /><br />Well, that's it for now, maniacs. Lick those wounds and heal up for Tuesday. Come back strong, and we'll make it a series. Also, stay tuned for coverage of tomorrow's matchups.<br /><br />RIP CITYUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-42226221087589278742009-04-17T12:47:00.000-07:002009-04-17T23:48:43.328-07:00Houston, we have a problem, and other clichesAt approximately 7:27 PST on Wednesday, I was a happy man.<br /><br />I had just watched the Dallas Mavericks recover from a 14-point second half deficit behind the fourth-quarter shenanigans of Jason Terry to defeat the Rockets in the final game of the regular season. A few minutes earlier, I had watched an ESPN in-game update showing Chris Paul dishing a ridiculous spin move assist to David West which put the Hornets up 5 with less than a minute to go. I giddily began sending out celebratory text messages to the tune of: "Lakers don't want us in the second round? Try the WCF!!"<br /><br />My bad, guys.<br /><br />Now don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. A 54-28 record, home court in the first round, and the first Blazer playoff run in six years seemed a far cry from reality a few month ago. It was just that, for the moments before I saw that cursed tying three by Michael from Lost (<span style="font-style: italic;">Why are you hitting threes? Walt just ran off into the jungle after his dog! Go tell Locke to stay away from your boy!</span>) I was looking forward to playing the New Orleans Hornets.<br /><br />Alas, it was not to be. Instead, the Blazers will face the formidable Houston Rockets in the round one, leading us at Kobestoppers to question...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">What if the 08-09 Houston Rockets remade <span style="font-style: italic;">Apollo 13</span>?</span></span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3fvOAX_ZrI0CGoPn1QzFiw5PQzSePbcJ0oLd1RRTlMPsenwCIcgGqnpZMARSBhmvcknNkA22r1Q-MoanZOPf-A1E1xFJfbZew7CQl9hR8s5Uf79aMzGMcak9PtW6jFn3V3NeXE_0lVR0/s1600-h/spacecraft.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3fvOAX_ZrI0CGoPn1QzFiw5PQzSePbcJ0oLd1RRTlMPsenwCIcgGqnpZMARSBhmvcknNkA22r1Q-MoanZOPf-A1E1xFJfbZew7CQl9hR8s5Uf79aMzGMcak9PtW6jFn3V3NeXE_0lVR0/s400/spacecraft.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325750291145354898" border="0" /></a><br />Let's start at the start here. No matter how epic of a storyline a movie may have, no matter how skilled a director may be, no matter how effective an ad campaign is, every great blockbuster film and basketball team needs a star. For Houston, that star is:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Yao Ming as Captain Jim Lovell</span><br /><br /></span></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFA4TuoNJFVezrMcSERgFJri8L06QkmMej5rSjtvZgCBcw4N37ApYF-IE4ETk1h3GjTmn1qvn3LLVcnBzIPOj0nkZts_5Xqs6-fYIC_vPtwVqHH5aiA1j6in7lZDeyxXnELTlRQpl-E1k/s1600-h/yao+hanks.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 242px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFA4TuoNJFVezrMcSERgFJri8L06QkmMej5rSjtvZgCBcw4N37ApYF-IE4ETk1h3GjTmn1qvn3LLVcnBzIPOj0nkZts_5Xqs6-fYIC_vPtwVqHH5aiA1j6in7lZDeyxXnELTlRQpl-E1k/s400/yao+hanks.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325823465784471250" border="0" /></a><br /><br />The similarities between Yao and Tom Hanks’ character Jim Lovell are almost eerie. Both are perfect captains to spearhead a mission to the moon or the NBA title. Both have spent endless hours dreaming of their ultimate goals and training for those moments. Both are fantastic team players who simultaneously motivate, coach, and reassure their teammates. Both have gigantic, square heads and a 7’5” wingspan.<br /><br />The point is, there is no one better suited for leader of this mission than Yao.<br /><br />Averages: 19.7 points, 9.9 rebounds, 1.95 blocks, 55% from the field, 87% from the line, 34 mpg.<br /><br />Now they just have to find a spacesuit that will fit him…<br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tracy McGrady as Ken Mattingly</span></span><br /></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeNKwLiR9JWF70zbVaa9QN7e9j6sPH5yyd259Gm3tMT7S1TQqfmcQUxruawBUXIFigHyFfYs_BnYRYlHK4tPNazMVtkZhojig5Z263DXr8WZQFJPOJnpSmiV2Brp0B8ZQhlCN632owWpI/s1600-h/tmac+sinese.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 243px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeNKwLiR9JWF70zbVaa9QN7e9j6sPH5yyd259Gm3tMT7S1TQqfmcQUxruawBUXIFigHyFfYs_BnYRYlHK4tPNazMVtkZhojig5Z263DXr8WZQFJPOJnpSmiV2Brp0B8ZQhlCN632owWpI/s400/tmac+sinese.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325759757558664162" border="0" /></a><br />Two days before the launch of Apollo 13, the crew was shocked by the news that Ken Mattingly had been exposed to German measles. Despite Mattingly's attempts to overrule the doctors, his place on the mission was eventually given to Jack Swigert (see below) and Mattingly was forced to provide aid to the astronauts from the NASA base in Houston.<br /><br />Remind you of anyone?<br /><br />Tracy McGrady is the perfect fit to play the role of the unfortunate crew member who was unable to help his crew on their mission.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ron Artest as Jack Swigert</span></span><br /></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDrc8PqQ6WGoWNX6aU5lqN5d7SLL0WGaz3x6L9BACYXxxiT-i1wuX0rozjcanOxdaWah21IYkGtXnTU-3C6YZv_fh_Hz18gP8AHCR4HL7b9WHN6mTruyI0ZrmNRwdHlGQQi-bu6MOYhRE/s1600-h/ron+bacon.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 266px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDrc8PqQ6WGoWNX6aU5lqN5d7SLL0WGaz3x6L9BACYXxxiT-i1wuX0rozjcanOxdaWah21IYkGtXnTU-3C6YZv_fh_Hz18gP8AHCR4HL7b9WHN6mTruyI0ZrmNRwdHlGQQi-bu6MOYhRE/s400/ron+bacon.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325762849296160274" border="0" /></a><br />A late addition to the squad, Ron Artest is built for the role of Jack Swigert. Not only does "Swigert" sound like something Ron-Ron would croon about in one of his songs (DJ Swigert, anyone?), but Swigert is also the character asked to stir the cryogenic oxygen tanks, which leads to the explosion which rocks the ship, ultimately dooming its initial intent to land on the moon and endangering the entire crew.<br /><br />Could Artest stir the Rockets' proverbial cryogenic oxygen tanks, sending them into a dangerous tailspin? Time will tell.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shane Battier as Fred Haise</span></span><br /></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFvY4Ovf7IA2V_kRCaqqRKohsAp6Ckj6j8Vnd_gT30dVSVEWUgYyDGxIUcSB5KmPBM8S5vPhCqbiKRhALu_WVqv8lVGa7rq8FOwP8M01a7Vr72c0SSpFZrNV0dzo7NPCY5Ejndvd-SnQA/s1600-h/shane+paxton.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 266px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFvY4Ovf7IA2V_kRCaqqRKohsAp6Ckj6j8Vnd_gT30dVSVEWUgYyDGxIUcSB5KmPBM8S5vPhCqbiKRhALu_WVqv8lVGa7rq8FOwP8M01a7Vr72c0SSpFZrNV0dzo7NPCY5Ejndvd-SnQA/s400/shane+paxton.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325768478453842050" border="0" /></a>Like Battier's game, Fred Haise is soft-spoken and mild-mannered. Haise is meticulous and excellent at what he does, but the results of his work often go underappreciated. He's the perfect compliment to Jack Swigert, although the two of them may butt heads in terms of style (such as when "in a fit of rage, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apollo_13_%28film%29#Plot">Haise chastizes Swigert's relative inexperience</a> as the cause of the accident").<br /><br />When these two personalities can work together, they can make magic on the court and on the screen. When they clash, sparks (and points for the other team) fly.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rick Adelman as Gene Kranz</span></span><br /></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEuN9o9brCTtINfaprJPjTM9484VGjya91amu_zAeYy2PbVIbwLZhG-lCJbNHjNJtinX_QwKN8anqwFsjUuIrd-670Xkinjou0Fz7rYkS-oy8vGCtFNiHnpyyTjSDqt3kOY3I9SNgcpQY/s1600-h/Ed+Harris+Adelman.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEuN9o9brCTtINfaprJPjTM9484VGjya91amu_zAeYy2PbVIbwLZhG-lCJbNHjNJtinX_QwKN8anqwFsjUuIrd-670Xkinjou0Fz7rYkS-oy8vGCtFNiHnpyyTjSDqt3kOY3I9SNgcpQY/s400/Ed+Harris+Adelman.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325750762900906162" border="0" /></a><br />Flight director Kranz is the architect and taskmaster for Apollo 13. He prepares the astronauts for their mission pre-launch and is their main source of communication once things go awry. An expert at keeping control of a situation and juggling multiple personalities at once, Kranz's own temper has been known to flare up at times. That said, no one doubts this man's experience and leadership in the clutch.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Aaron Brooks as Barbara Lovell</span></span><br /></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4rnLP4VjRtZrmuhoF-jl-JdPjOMmIFUFLwzr_Kk2GgjA_JcHe5C14LMPQrWSzFH9oRJ-fEgrCXfncY_zq7naFfBN5-MWn1rq3MF6NPAheYvlk3X7RhVh4w7Fv-R_Wtd3ZeS9ZSNSQ-cg/s1600-h/daughter+brooks.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 321px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4rnLP4VjRtZrmuhoF-jl-JdPjOMmIFUFLwzr_Kk2GgjA_JcHe5C14LMPQrWSzFH9oRJ-fEgrCXfncY_zq7naFfBN5-MWn1rq3MF6NPAheYvlk3X7RhVh4w7Fv-R_Wtd3ZeS9ZSNSQ-cg/s400/daughter+brooks.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325776177547208866" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;">and<br /><br /><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Luis Scola as Marilyn Lovell</span></span><br /></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAmFeQBSo44Le1zLA9mphyh3fOTanxgQqVwaj5DXe0Y5ETf1anjlvvoH3bJDu6t-yKQy04KoeNxIxMdPHIP5jSDECXjgj2pR8Sct0T57hyoLc01LDVJGllJT1V2X1eS4jiSYk1_f3lyB53/s1600-h/yao+scola.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 271px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAmFeQBSo44Le1zLA9mphyh3fOTanxgQqVwaj5DXe0Y5ETf1anjlvvoH3bJDu6t-yKQy04KoeNxIxMdPHIP5jSDECXjgj2pR8Sct0T57hyoLc01LDVJGllJT1V2X1eS4jiSYk1_f3lyB53/s400/yao+scola.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325769594904487058" border="0" /></a><br />There are no real parallels between these last two, other than Luis Scola looks kind of like a girl with horrid facial hair and they both look funny with their faces pasted on women's bodies. OK? Sheesh...cut us some slack.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Semi-Serious Analysis<br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:78%;" >by BladeTron6000</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><br /></span>Oh, you thought that was all? Not even close my friends. Can you believe we're back in the playoffs??? I'm absolutely losing my freaking mind over this. My excitement level is such that I've actually been peeing fire for the past 31 hours. I would go to a doctor, but I'm secretly hoping that this is a new God-given superpower bestowed upon me in response to my rabid Blazer fandom over the years.<br /><br />Anyway, I've been discussing our opponents for Saturday with my friend (and occasional easy lover) Striker, and we've put together the most comprehensive playoff preview post this side of Blazers Edge.<br /><br />Actually, I'm going to ramble about the Rockets for like 300 words, and then we're just going to screw around for the rest of the time. What? You were expecting something different?<br /><br />The Rockets are an athletic squad that we've matched up poorly against in the past. Yao always gives us trouble inside, and Ron Artest typically causes problems for Brandon on the perimeter. There are a few keys to success that we must follow in order to win the series. They are as follows:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1) Box the EFF out</span><br /><br />Houston is not a lights-out shooting team from three, but they will absolutely murder you if you give them second chances at the rim. Lost rebounds translates to defensive confusion translates to open looks. This cannot happen. Do not let Luis “See, I’m much better than Fabricio Oberto” Scola beat you.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2) Protect the paint</span><br /><br />Houston is most dangerous when getting to the rim. Make them chuck it from the cheap seats with a hand in their grill. This goes for everybody but Battier, Barry and the bigs (obviously). Wafer and AB can be dangerous if they get hot from outside, but I’ll take my chances considering both those guys can run a suicide in about 3.1 seconds.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3) Be strong with the ball</span><br /><br />No matter what’s working for us, we have to hold on to that rock. Whether we’re ice cold from outside and trying to make a living at the line, or we’re having success with the drive-and-kick game, Houston is going to slapping at our arms. It’s the playoffs, fellas. Expect this physical team to get even more physical, possibly resulting in “Mean” Chuck Hayes pulling an Ariza on Sergio.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sidenote:</span> Seriously, doesn’t Chuck remind you of an old school bad-guy pro wrestler? I keep expecting him to walk out on the road scowling at fans and then finish off some poor small forward with a heart-punch. He’s like the Bad News Brown of the Western Conference. I want him to form a tag team with Reggie Evans called the Ghetto Blasters. Oh, was that mildly racist? Oops. My bad.<br /><br />Hang on to the ball and don’t expect whistles. Go strong to the rack and don’t take no guff off nobody.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4) Take ‘em deep</span><br /><br />We have enough energetic youths on standby to conduct a Presidential fitness test at halftime, so why not push the pace? Especially at home, we should have Houston sucking wind by the second period and feeling like they donated a lung to charity when the final whistle blows. There’s no way they can match up with us athletically. Not that Chuck Hayes and Carl Landry aren’t fine specimens or anything. It’s just a different kind of athleticism. When Chuck climbs between those ropes, you KNOW somebody’s going to get choke-slammed. It’s a given. He’s a dominator, a high-impact – oh, damn. I did it again, didn’t I? Crap. My apologies, everybody. Last time, I promise.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5) Help Brandon, and win Game 1</span><br /><br />This is probably the most important of the keys. We’re braving new territory as a team, and our supporting cast can’t afford to shrink from the moment. The Natural’s going to have either A) RonRon or B) Battier guarding him for the entire series. That is an absolute nightmare for anybody not named LeBron. Everybody needs to step it up:<br /><br />- L-Train, I’m looking at you, buddy. You can shoot over anybody they’re going to put in front of you.<br /><br />- Travis, you’re most likely going to draw Von Wafer. Break him.<br /><br />- Nicky, it’s time for you to show everybody why you’re the next Scottie. Fly around on D and wreak some havoc. Unleash the Dragon Emperor.<br /><br />- Greg and Pryz, I got two words for you guys: bash brothers.<br /><br />- Serge and Stevesie, move that ball. Stagnation in the half court means Brandon firing one up with the shot clock winding down. Not cool beans. Take control of the game and manage the offense.<br /><br />- Rudy, get your feet set and let it fly, amigo.<br /><br />- Channing, replicate your performance from Wednesday, and I will personally see to it that you get at least 10 minutes of run.<br /><br />If we can win Game 1, I think we've got the series locked up. Game 1 will tell us the story of the series.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6) Rick Adelman’s facial hair</span><br /><br />OK, forget what I said about number five being the most important. Adelman knows what to expect from the Rose Garden faithful come playoff time. He knows we have that all-important edge, which is why I fear he’ll try to even the score by bringing back the vaunted mustache that led Portland to two NBA finals appearances. God help us if that happens. Pray to The Schonz it does not.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">PLUS SOME ROCKETS LINKS?! NO WAY!</span></span><br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWPsSFfaUMU&feature=related"><br />Chuck Hayes</a>'s free throws : Basketball :: Charles Barkley's golf swing : Golf<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51VUu99Sr4g">I couldn't watch this all the way through either, but it's worth it to just skip to 0:51 for Scola and 1:15 for Mutumbo</a><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDKQhCgLqxU"><br />Aaron Brooks does a surprisingly good Dikembe Mutumbo</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPb_ljKzORE">Quality shot selection leads to buckets. That's what I believe.</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dA6_wkBG-0I">RonRon's got Old Greg's back, baby. That's respect, right there. Real talk.</a><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD796H08J7w">Ron Artest: rapper, vocalist, crazy person.</a><br /></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">PLUS YEAR-END AWARDS?! WHAT ARE WE, CRAZY?!?!! </span></span><br /><br />The Daniel Laruso We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore Award: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khM5WjeyLQA">Joel Przybilla</a><br /><br />The Bret Michaels Oh Wait He Can’t Actually Sing Or Play Guitar Award: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5Sux_3-Sts">Beno Udrih</a>/<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuTf42__7Ic&feature=related">Marko Jaric</a><br /><br />The David Wooderson Making That Face Does Not Change The Fact That You Hang Out With High School Girls Award: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8D6rrYFl78&feature=related">Chris Andersen<br /></a><br />And we'll leave you maniacs <a href="http://www.hardwoodparoxysm.com/2009/04/15/lets-do-this/">with this link, which has been making the rounds.</a><br /><br />PLAYOFFS BABY! GET FIRED UP!!!Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11801017069511981755noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-77335402326170853292009-03-28T06:40:00.000-07:002009-03-28T06:40:06.284-07:00A Post Portraying Potential Playoff Previews: The Phoenix SunsListen up, maniacs, cause it's time for the next installment of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Kobestoppers</span>' playoff previews. Next up on the list:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >The Phoenix Suns</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQZ5ljKi4Pw7es6YxLI5Z4ZY_r_e7Rz4lxqtLEisZiYLLm4l1PnRl8XQ5V1cL8d4gv6PtcfgnDmGTgPOUM1x09f-n7Y2ETW7WXyamf7j2oPdqAbtBy_mw91OqPZdlvJExEG-cBn8qQrsI/s1600-h/Phoenix_Suns_Mascot_Gorilla.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQZ5ljKi4Pw7es6YxLI5Z4ZY_r_e7Rz4lxqtLEisZiYLLm4l1PnRl8XQ5V1cL8d4gv6PtcfgnDmGTgPOUM1x09f-n7Y2ETW7WXyamf7j2oPdqAbtBy_mw91OqPZdlvJExEG-cBn8qQrsI/s400/Phoenix_Suns_Mascot_Gorilla.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317656736518389682" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Ok</span>, first things first. I'm gonna come clean. When Mike and I first conceived to write about each of the potential playoff teams in the West, we weren't sure whether or not to include the Suns. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Amar'e</span> had just lost sight of the rest of his season, Nash seemed generally unhappy, and while the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Shaq</span> Daddy was doing his <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">thang</span>, it was unclear whether or not the doing of his <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">thang</span> coincided with the Suns doing </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">their</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">thang</span>.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Needless to say, things have changed.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Although the Blazers crushed the Suns 129-109 on Thursday night, the Suns have been on a tear of late. After dropping 7 out of 9, the Suns were on a 6-game winning streak before visiting the Rose Garden. As of today, the Suns sport a record of 40-32, putting them 3 games behind eighth-place Dallas. The Suns are coached by Mike D'An...er...Terry Po...er...Alvin Gentry.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Starting Lineup</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">PG – Steve Nash</span><br /><br />What can you say about Stevie Nash? He’s a special talent. He commands respect as a floor general and a teammate. He’s everything good about the game of basketball. He’s one of my favorite players of all time. There <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">isn</span>’t a time when the ball is in his hands that I’m not worried about my beloved Blazers looking foolish.<br /><br />Yes, to answer your question, I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">ve</span> asked him out on several occasions, but for some reason he <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">hasn</span>’t returned any of my calls.<br /><br />While still a brilliant distributor on the fast break and off dribble penetration in the half court, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Nashy</span> has been infected and gradually displaying symptoms of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">JasonKidditis</span> for the last two years. Nash’s back problems have limited his production in even his most prolific seasons (see back-to-back <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">MVPs</span>, pg. 398), and it’s only a matter of time before those tender vertebrae finally give out on him. Let's face it; in two years he’s going to be the new face of the <a href="http://www.nwba.org/"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">NWBA</span>.</a><br /><br />At the moment, however, he’s still the third-best point guard in basketball – at least, that’s what we Nash fans keep telling ourselves. The fact is, bad back or no, Nash defends the ball about as well as <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7oU9cdBHd8">Bill <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Shatner</span> sings The Beatles.</a> When we have the ball, he’s easily exploitable, either by putting the ball on the floor or by posting him up if we have a mismatch. The one time we do not need to worry about Steve Nash is when he’s on D.<br /><br />The letter O, however is much more dangerous for us in regard to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Nashy</span>. Clearly, my time-tested strategy against nearsighted point guards who <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">couldn</span>’t throw a golf ball into a swimming pool is not applicable to Nash. No, I’m afraid that Old Stevie can pour it in from just about anywhere on the court. He’s also just as good off the dribble as he is at spotting up, so there’s no use in trying to crowd him. In fact that’s probably worse, because if he gets by his defender, suddenly it’s a five-on-four break, and he always finds the open man.<br /><br />The way to neutralize Nash in the half court is to keep the ball out of his hands. Once he gives it up, deny the HELL out of that passing lane. If he works hard enough to get a catch, force him baseline and keep your head on a swivel (and pray. Don’t forget to pray). If Nash’s touches are limited, Phoenix’s offense won’t run as smoothly and they will commit more turnovers. Naturally, Richardson and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">Shaq</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Fu</span> are going to get plenty of looks in isolation, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s perfect. As long as Nash <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">isn</span>’t wheeling and dealing all over our faces and providing <a href="http://www.sfgalleries.net/art/cvs2/snk/dan.jpg">Louis “I look exactly like Dan from Street Fighter” <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">Amundson</span></a> with easy looks at the rim, they <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">aren</span>’t going to score 160 points, and we’ll be in the game.<br /><br />And for the love of God, get back on defense after missed shots. I feel like I’m kicking a dead horse here, but I know that all the players who read this sometimes forget. No worries, famous ballplayers who know who I am, I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">ve</span> got you covered. Just don’t blame me if Nate screams at you guys for allowing 61 fast-break points.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">SG</span> - Jason Richardson</span><br /><br /></span></span><span><span>Remember that dunk contest that J-Rich won with that gnarly off-the-glass-between-the-legs-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">neofunkatronicslammajamma</span> with extra butter and syrup?<br /><br />Yeah, me neither. Which leads me to my next point:<br /><br />Richardson is pure scorer. A hired gun. Someone who has a freakishly impressive ability to put the ball in the hole from anywhere on the court. Consistency, however, is not one of his trademarks. Neither is defense. Neither is clutch play. This <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">isn</span>’t a dig at him, but there are a half dozen other players in the league just like him (some without so many miles on the odometer, either). He is a scoring threat, yes, but he is your formulaic, hyper-athletic, leaper/slasher with a tendency to take bad shots because of either an inflated ego or a mental breakdown. J-Rich may be a newer model, but he comes from the same old superstar factory:<br /><br />Jason Richardson, Richard Jefferson, Tracy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">McGrady</span>, Vince Carter, Steve Francis, and now in OJ Mayo! Only one easy payment of $86 million! Call now!<br /><br />Okay, Mike, that’s enough. They get it.<br /><br />If I were Nate (which I am), I’d throw Brandon on him, unless <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">Barbosa</span> is still hurt come playoff time. Then go ahead and let <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">Nic</span> shut him down, all the while out-rebounding and out-hustling the talented but weary veteran.<br /><br />One last thing. If I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29">ve</span> offended any Jason Richardson fans with what I wrote, I’d just like to say…too damn bad. It’s the truth. Learn to deal.</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">F - Matt Barnes</span><br /><br /></span></span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><span>Barnes</span></span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><span> is the latest addition to the Suns roster for the 08-09 season. Along with being covered with stupid-looking tattoos, Matt Barnes is a strong <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_30">rebounder</span>, a decent three-point shooter, and a passable ball-handler. Barnes is averaging a career-high in points (10.4), assists (2.8), rebounds (5.4), and minutes (27.2). After shooting an unimpressive 29.3% from behind the arc last year, Barnes is shooting 33.9% from three with the Suns this year. No doubt this drastic increase in numbers is mostly due to his increased usage and the beneficial Phoenix system, but it's also clear that Barnes is having the best season of his six years in the NBA.<br /><br />Barnes is also one of the only Suns besides <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_31">Shaq</span> who'll hit the glass on the offensive end, so be wary.</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">F - Grant Hill</span><br /><br /></span></span><span><span>Grant Hill might have been one of the ten best players to ever lace 'em up were it not for recurring injuries. His pro career has been filled with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_32">diappointment</span>, not because of his lack of ability to play at the pro level (watch some tape of his career in Detroit before he got hurt), but rather due to his inability to actually stay on the court.<br /><br />At this point, he's brittle and broken down. Like Jason Kidd, the player with which he shared the Rookie of the Year award so many moons ago, Hill's lateral movement and overall mobility are now limited. Unlike Kidd, however, Hill has still retained some of his defensive abilities in spite of his weary joints. However, if Gentry continues to be content with putting Hill on Brandon, we're in for candy cane smiles and lolly pop high-fives for four to six games.<br /><br />Offensively, Hill is ordinary. Play him straight up and don't give him anything easy (see open three-pointers off cross court passes, pg. 12). He still <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_33">possesses</span> one hell of a basketball IQ, though, so watch out for backdoor cutters when he has the ball.<span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">C – <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_34">Shaquille</span> O’Neal</span><br /><br /></span></span><span><span>I can’t think of a ballplayer who’s made me laugh or cry more than the original Superman. He broke my 11-year old heart when he left Orlando and Penny <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_35">Hardaway</span> in order to join the LA <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_36">Motherf</span>***<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_37">ing</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_38">Lakers</span>, and he literally brought me to tears when he caught that alley-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_39">oop</span> from a driving Kobe in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals. I will never forgive him for either of those most grievous of offenses.<br /><br />On the flip side, may I present to the court exhibit B:<br /><br />The Big Aristotle<br />The Big <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_40">Chamberneezy</span><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbN8O6SukwU&fmt=18&annotation_id=annotation_797050&feature=iv"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_41">Jabbawockeez</span> robot dance at the all-star game</a><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9LmHXXWiJs&feature=related">Dance off versus <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_42">Lebron</span> and D. Howard at last year’s all-star game</a><br />The Corleone brothers analogy<br />“The Great” Pat Riley<br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qu2y2MQkuI&NR=1">“No, but I would with your wife.”</a><br />The Big Cactus<br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lfg0--GbjVI">“How did you get so many ‘Q’s?”</a><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lQW-FWMcBo">“HEY. KOBE. TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES.”</a><br /><br />Yes, truly <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_43">Shaq</span> has had a career for the ages. Years ago (while spitting out a few sour grapes along with my opinion) I refused to give the Diesel any credit, stating that the only reason for his dominance was his size and lack of skilled competition. Upon further consideration, I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_44">ve</span> decided that I was an idiot. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_45">Shaq</span> has to be a top-10 big man of all time. His size makes him tough to guard, but his adaptability throughout his career is what makes him a future hall-of-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_46">famer</span>. From Orlando to LA to Miami to Phoenix, the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_47">Shaqtus</span> has embraced the natural changes in his body and adapted his game accordingly, always playing to his strengths.<br /><br />At this stage in his career, I’d equate him to an old <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0SONoA5L1g">George Foreman.</a> He might not be the quickest guy up the floor, and he may not be able to play the same extended minutes he used to, but he’s still got power in that right hand. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_48">Shaq</span> beats you up mentally even more than he does physically down low. Think it’s an accident that he calls for the ball whenever an opposing team is making a run? Can you think of a play more devastating to your team’s morale than when <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_49">Shaq</span> spins baseline and tears the rim down, all while shaking off three of your boys?<br /><br />You know the sound that play makes – that horrible dunking sound, like somebody slammed a car door on your <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_50">pinky</span> finger – the whiny, irritating, squealing whistle emanating from Bennett Salvatore’s plump, incompetent lips, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_51">prophesizing</span> the cruel but inevitable opportunity for a three-point-play – the deflated groans echoing throughout your arena and your living room, as if everybody you loved got punched in the gut all at once.<br /><br />It is the worst feeling in the entire world.<br /><br />Just as Ray Allen, another over-the-hill superstar, can swing the momentum in his team’s favor with a big three-pointer, so too can the eldest son of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_52">Jor</span>-El alter the course of any game by sheer will.<br /><br />So don’t let him. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_53">Pryz</span>, Greg, this one’s on you two. I know it’s a tough assignment, but there are ways to weather the storm. Mix it up against him. Overplay one shoulder, then the other, but always be wary of his drop step to his right, especially if he’s on the left block. If he wants to shoot jump hooks over that left shoulder all day, that’s fine. Go right ahead, Mr. O’Neal. That’s his jab. We can take a lot of those without falling into trouble. But if he catches us with that overhand right, i.e. that baseline spin to his right, it could cause the entire team to lose concentration on the road and cost us the game.<br /><br />If you think I’m overstating the importance of psychology and momentum as it pertains to pro basketball…well, actually, you’re probably right. I am.<br /><br />But what can I say? I’m paranoid about this s***.<br /><br />Double <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_54">Shaq</span> if you have to. Keep him off the offensive boards. Greg, you better beat that old man up the floor if we’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_55">ve</span> got numbers.<br /><br />There. Feel better?<br /></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bench</span></span></span></span><span><span><br /><br /></span></span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">G- <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_56">Leandro</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_57">Barbosa</span> </span><br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_58">Barbosa</span> is one of the quickest and and most exciting open court players in the NBA. Really, you couldn't ask for a better complement to Nash in the Phoenix system (both when Nash is on the court and when he isn't) than <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_59">Barbosa</span>. He can shoot from range and can get to the rim from half court faster than the Millennium Falcon can finish the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_60">Kessel</span> Run. If he’s healthy, he’s a deadly weapon, which is why I vote we <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_61">Pippen</span> his ass with our boy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_62">Nic</span>. I’d go into further detail, but come on, you’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_63">ve</span> seen <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_64">Nic</span>’s D. All we gotta do is say, “Sic ’em” and grab our popcorn.</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span><br /><span><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">C - Robin Lopez</span><br /><br />Do not make the mistake of asking Robin Lopez to sign a copy of “From Justin to Kelly.” He, uh, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_65">doesn</span>’t appreciate that too much. I’d say the same rules apply for Robin as they do for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_66">Shaq</span>, but that would make me a liar. Block this <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_67">douchebag</span>’s shots, Greg. Block a lot of them.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">G - Goran <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_68">Dragic</span></span><br /><br />Is it just me, or does Goran <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_69">Dragic</span> sound a little TOO similar to Ivan <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_70">Drago</span>? I’m just <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_71">sayin</span>’. Anyway, take away his left hand. If he can go right, it’ll be news to me.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">F - Louis <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_72">Amundson</span></span><br /><br />Box this guy out. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_73">Amundson</span> is the Suns' Mark <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_74">Madsen</span>, specializing in both hustling after loose balls and being ugly. Offensive rebounding is the only stat that matters when talking about Dan from Street Fighter. True, his uppercut might be total crap, and his <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_75">hadoken</span> might be best described as "fruity-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_76">tooty</span>," but that doesn't mean he can't score from six inches out. So keep him off the glass.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">G/F - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_77">Alando</span> Tucker</span><br /><br />Dangerous player, here, friends. Just because he hasn't played much in the big leagues yet does not mean that this former Big Ten player of the year can't open up if given the opportunity. While he's not yet ready for <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_78">prime time</span> on a consistent basis, Tucker can hurt you if you underestimate his athleticism.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_79">Sidenote</span>: I'm personally hoping that Tucker eventually becomes a billionaire and buys the Orlando franchise, rechristening them the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_80">Alando</span> Magic. Their team logo would be created by combining <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxO-fzPKQSs4xbqoNeZI83eGwpImVj9ldLSbNaZB1bI0dFi_UvrN2SslWNVc7_u3ZjWmxXFGHwuM12MMSxblnpPwkpBUWAcRyTOO8yEDbgecc17U2VLDyL0a1n94u4e4ljUv_rMwCQwac/s400/alando+tucker.bmp">these</a> two <a href="http://artfiles.art.com/images/-/Kirk-Reinert/Blue-Wizard-Print-C10001726.jpeg">images.</a><br /><br /><br />Before we wrap up, I'd like to make a few general observations about the Suns' strengths and weaknesses as a potential playoff opponent.<br /><br />1) The Suns are one of the few teams in basketball actually worse than we are at defending the pick and roll. Exploit that.<br /><br />2) Sometimes the Suns will switch to a crappy, slow-rotating zone, because for some reason Alvin Gentry thinks that by doing so, he will make his team look less decrepit on D. When this happens, move the ball, bust them threes, and crash the offensive glass. Even if we're shooting a low percentage, we should get enough extra looks to cancel that out.<br /><br />3) Because Phoenix wants to run so badly (and hates playing defense more than I hate listening to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKYpepxGkyY">Klaus Nomi</a>), the Daddy is the only Sun to really crash the glass. Most teams release one or two players to start the break. Phoenix typically releases three or four. This should translate to easy offensive boards, even if we're committed to getting back on D after misses.<br /><br />4) Since Phoenix plays at such a high tempo, and they're constantly running cutters to the basket both off the break and in the half court, it's pretty easy to run on them. While I wouldn't suggest making a habit of it, there are definitely opportunities to get easy buckets against this team if you run with them selectively.<br /><br />We took advantage of all of these observations on Thursday, and we came a way with a win. I assure you, it was not coincidence.<br /><br />That's all we got, maniacs. Stay tuned for our Utah preview. Kirk out.</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span>Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11801017069511981755noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-15812580801972292382009-03-27T05:12:00.000-07:002009-03-27T05:16:21.341-07:00Quick Update: Blazers 129, Suns 109<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://a.espncdn.com/media/apphoto/b9076d32-57e1-4245-b473-875312e4253b.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 406px; height: 512px;" src="http://a.espncdn.com/media/apphoto/b9076d32-57e1-4245-b473-875312e4253b.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">"I'll tell you what, bro. After thees game, we are so TOTALLY going back to my creeb and watching de Transporter 2! Zimas are on Sergio!"</span><br /></div><br />Need more really be said?<br /><br />Stay tuned for the increasingly unlikely but nonetheless amusing Blazers v. Suns playoff preview.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-84699977442359628022009-03-20T13:12:00.000-07:002009-03-20T14:37:52.523-07:00A Post Portraying Potential Playoff Previews: The Dallas Mavericks<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Here we go, folks: the first of our incredibly well-reasoned, implacably intelligent, and undeniably accurate peeks at teams that the Blazers could potentially see in the first round of the playoffs. Fortunately for you maniacs, the Western Conference playoff race is tighter than the rubber band the Birdman ties off with while shooting heroin*, so that pretty much means a preview of every seed in the West, and maybe even Phoenix if it comes down to the wire.</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Sidenote: Before we get started, I must apologize for an egregious misprint in Mike's most recent links post. I believe it was</span> <blockquote style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Can you say flying, spinning piledriver? Cause Joe sure can. He knows how to spell that one backwards and forwards after that Soviet beatdown I laid on his candy ass with Zangief.</blockquote><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Mike has since rescinded this comment, after I laid multiple </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">flash kick - double flash kick - ultra flash kick</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> combos on his face with Guile's size 14 combat boots. All is forgiven, Blade.</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">And now, onto...</span> <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">...The Dallas Mavericks</span></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF8-5NsT_7kiN7MvTsIaToRy3Rnbqm9I8d2tb2neB0kUkPNgJ8uypyhnHiPbCPrtjzvAAkfKnbRUfydCQWRKBf98xMrvApgcdM18e9nZs4SMt2zzaz045oIHWMAKPRiZapSlx4KjKzsuQ/s1600-h/pink+mavericks.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 387px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF8-5NsT_7kiN7MvTsIaToRy3Rnbqm9I8d2tb2neB0kUkPNgJ8uypyhnHiPbCPrtjzvAAkfKnbRUfydCQWRKBf98xMrvApgcdM18e9nZs4SMt2zzaz045oIHWMAKPRiZapSlx4KjKzsuQ/s400/pink+mavericks.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5315366580574572482" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br />The Mavericks (as of this moment) sport a 41-28 record, putting them at 8th in the Western Conference (for now, they will probably go up-down-up-up-down-down for the next month). They are coached by Rick Carlisle, who is known for having deliciously well-groomed hair and looking disturbingly like Jim Carrey.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The Mavs are "offensively oriented," which is a phrase I just made up meaning they win their games with their offense. They are eighth in offensive efficiency</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> and eighth in assist ratio. Basically, they win by scoring more than you, not by limiting your scoring. They are however, an excellent defensive rebounding team, so they will limit your second-chance opportunities.<br /><br />Now, onto the starting lineup:<br /></span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Starting Lineup:</span><br /><br />Before I get going here, I’d like to mention that Joe’s flashkick combo was, for the most part, blocked. Believe me, it caught a lot of shoulder and elbow, but not much else. My hurricane kick/fierce uppercut/super hadoken combo, however, landed flush to the face of the poor major, causing him to crash to the ground and begin whimpering something that was generally unintelligible save for the name “Charlie.” Guess that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy only applies to soldiers who haven’t been soul-raped by Ryu. Good to know.<br /><br />Unrelated to Blade being a superior Street Fighter to Striker, I still can’t get over this photo mash-up:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll60/ReDirkulous/CarlisleCarrey.jpg?t=1237520997"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 185px; height: 401px;" src="http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll60/ReDirkulous/CarlisleCarrey.jpg?t=1237520997" alt="" border="0" /></a>The Lloyd Christmas comparison is definitely the best. Seriously, what does Carlisle think when he gets up every morning and looks himself in the mirror? Does he have a mini identity crisis before he realizes that it wasn’t actually him in Bruce Almighty? I bet he breaks into the Ace Ventura voice every now and then without realizing it before crumpling in a heap and bawling his eyes out, cursing the god that made him so. Ten bucks says there’s a sign on the Maverick’s locker room door that says “Your coach is NOT Jim Carrey. Please do not ask for autographs.”<br /><br />Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd that’s all the “Rick Carlisle is Jim Carrey” jokes I’ve got. So sad, I know.<br /><br />Now, about those Dallas Mavericks: they’ve got a starting lineup, and we’re gonna break it down for you.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">PG – Jason Kidd</span><br /><br />Hey, you remember <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_IoyBdfpEc">this guy?</a> He’s dead. Buried. Long gone. There was a time when Jason Kidd was the most feared floor general in the game. But as he often does, Father Time took a basketball magician and turned him into a mere mortal. While never an elite shooter, ten years ago Kidd was a surgeon on the fast break. Three-on-two situations might as well have been three-on-zero when Kidd had the ball in his hands. Jamal Mashburn, Kenyon Martin, Richard Jefferson, and Kerry Kittles, all of you should call Jason Kidd on a weekly basis and thank him for making you all look like all-stars and scoring you more dough than you were actually worth. Yes, in his prime, Kidd even made Keith Van Horn look like a real basketball player.<br /><br />But that time has passed. Today, Kidd is still an excellent distributor in the half court, but his fast break attack is but a shell of what it used to be. He’s still a great rebounder for his size, and I can’t think of a smarter player in the league, but he no longer has the physical tools to dominate the ebb and flow of the ballgame. The Mavs like to run a pick-and-roll for him at the top of the key while they run Dirk off screens away from the ball. Kidd can be dangerous off the pick, but only as a passer. As a spot up shooter, he’s mediocre at best. But off the dribble, Kidd couldn’t hit a 20-footer if the basket were four feet in diameter.<br /><br />This is why we should employ what I like to call “The Rondo Strategy” against him. The plan is simple: slide under every single ball screen they set for Jason Kidd. Dare him to shoot. MAKE him shoot. No, don’t switch when the pick comes. I know we like to do that (actually, we’re usually so bad at defending the pick and roll that we have no other option), but we REALLY don’t need to when Kidd has the ball in his hands (which is the majority of the time if Dirk doesn’t have it in isolation).<br /><br />Part two is equally simple: keep Kidd off the boards. That’s it. If you don’t, I guarantee he’ll sneak in there with what little voodoo he has left in the tank and steal 11 rebounds before you realize what happened. Even worse, one of those boards will probably come on a crucial possession that gives his team a second chance to win the game or something.<br /><br />So again, to summarize: Slide under picks. Box him out. Ballgame.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SG - Antoine Wright</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Erm...gulp...I would say I don't know much about Antoine Wright's game, but really I think it's that there's not much there. For a guy drafted as a scoring 2-guard, he sure doesn't do much scoring. Instead he has found a niche in the Mavs starting lineup as a defensive specialist. He's long and tall for a shooting guard (6'7") and moves well within Dallas' defensive sets. Ideally he takes pressure off of the now slow-footed Jason Kidd through the first half, and then keeps Jason Terry's seat warm on the bench for the rest of the ballgame. Offensively he certainly won't create any opportunites for himself and is only a mediocre spot-up shooter.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SF – Josh Howard</span><br /><br />Howard has been plagued by an ankle injury that caused him to miss 11 games earlier in the season and has kept him off the floor for nearly all of March. Word is, there’s a good chance he’ll miss the rest of the month. Now, as Blazers fans, we’re INTIMATELY familiar with the injury-speak that often comes from training staffs. With that in mind, I think it’s realistic to at least entertain the idea of Howard either sitting on the bench or being rendered ineffective by the still-painful ankle come playoff time.<br /><br />That’s what I’m calling Plan A. Josh Howard’s ankle pulls a Martell and conveniently decides to stay broken. What’s Plan B, you ask? Well, that’s easy:<br /><br />We Bruce Bowen his ass. OK, Nic, here’s what you do. Wait for him to spot up for that 18-footer he likes so much, and while he’s still in the air, “accidentally” slide underneath him so he comes down on your foot. Problem solved.<br /><br />Hey, did I ever tell you guys about how I hate Bruce Bowen even more than I hate the majority of my extended family? No? Oh. Well, I do.<br /><br />If J-How is healthy come playoff time, my serious Plan B goes something like this: sick Nic on him like a pit bull on a chipmunk. Howard is pretty good off the bounce, but his mid-range J is an even bigger threat. Nic needs to smother him and if at all possible deny him the catch in the first place. If he does get by Nicolas, other defenders (no, not just Joel. You know, our OTHER players…) need to help out. Howard is a talented scorer, but he’s not going to find the open man every time when our help stops his dribble drive. Most importantly, no matter how we do it, we need to hold him to under 20 every game. Why? Check out this excerpt from his Wikipedia page:<br /><br />Over the last two seasons the Mavs are 37-2 when Howard scores 20 or more points.<br /><br />If that’s true (and I’m pretty sure it is. Wikipedia is monitored by Jesus), then our mission is clear. All we gotta do is go out there and execute.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">PF - Dirk Nowitzki</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Ah, Dirk. If Kidd is the brain stem of the team, and Josh Howard and Jason Terry are the genitals, Dirk is the backbone, spinal column, corpus callosum, and probably the left foot, too. Dirk has been the face of the Mavericks franchise for nearly ten years, and for good reason. Not only is the 30-year old, 7-foot Übermensch one of the most unstoppable scorers in the NBA, he has become efficient and consistent, adding 8.4 rebounds and 2.5 assists to go with his 25.5 points per game.</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">What the Blazers witnessed firsthand in their three meetings with the Mavericks this year is that Dirk can make himself essentially unguardable.<br /><br />The Mavericks fourth quarter offense is basically this:</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br /><br />The high pick and pop with Jason Terry and Dirk, leads to</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br /><br />a) Defenders switching on the pick and Dirk shooting over the defending PG from the free throw line, resulting in a semi-disturbing fist-pump, pulling of the jersey down to his crotch, and weird baring of the teeth,</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br />or</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br />b) Defenders not switching, giving the superfast Jason Terry a wide open path to the basket/jumpshot, resulting in an incredibly lame flying bird pantomime which I shall from now on call "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" (good band name),</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br />or</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br />c) If the defenders run through the screen, the Mavs give it to Dirk in isolation and let him do an impossible spin-move jump shot which he makes approximately 84% of the time.</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br /><br />These are not good options, mainly because the Blazers struggle </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">mightily </span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">against the pick and roll. In previous meetings, Coach Nate has tried various defenders on Dirk, including Przybilla. This experiment did not work, as it appears than Joel's relationship with the basket is similar to Superman's with the sun: the farther he gets from it, the weaker he becomes. Fortunately, Striker has the solution: LaMarcus Aldridge. </span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br /><br />LaMarcus matches up perfectly against Dirk on the defensive end. Dirk likes to step outside and shoot the jumpshot? LMA can do that. Dirk is 7-feet tall and shoots from above his head? LMA is 6'11" with a 7'5" wingspan, he can do that. Dirk enjoys <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirk_Nowitzki#Personal_life">reading and playing the saxophone</a>? Better bring an extra set of reeds.</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br /><br />If the Blazers put Aldridge on Dirk and Batum on Terry in the fourth quarter, they should be able to effectively counter any of a), b), or c) above. Even if they switch, Batum is long enough to challenge Dirk's jumper, and LMA has quick enough feet to at least slow Terry down and wait for help.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">C – Erik Dampier</span><br /><br />I know what you’re thinking. How could we POSSIBLY hope to contain the former self-proclaimed greatest center in the Western Conference?<br /><br />The short answer? We can’t. It’s not a feasible option. Big Damp Dawg goes where he wants when he wants, and you better pray to GOD that you don’t happen to be in the way.<br /><br />OK, look. While it’s sad that Dampier suffers from Channing Frye’s giant-body-baby-head disease, that doesn’t excuse his lack of offensive skills. It doesn’t take a genius to see that Damp gets most of his points from put-backs after offensive boards and the occasional dunk after a poorly defended pick and roll. If we’re committed to sliding under that ball screen when Kidd has the pill (which we should be), Erika should have zero room to catch and score off the roll to the hoop. Put a body on him on shot attempts and that should be a rap. If he wants to shoot an eight-footer, for the love of God, LET HIM.<br /><br />One last thing. While generally a slow-moving, uncoordinated sloth beast, on the defensive end, Dampier is actually a half-decent shot blocker. Now, normally I’d say that we should still be aggressive and go to the basket in the hopes of forcing the big man’s hand and putting him in foul trouble. However, since a Dampier exit usually produces a Brandon Bass appearance, maybe we should take a page from Frank Costanza, stop short, and toss in some five-foot floaters in the lane. More explanation will be given in the upcoming Bench section.<br /><br />No, I know. You’re totally, like, BRISTLING with anticipation. Try not to pass out.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Bench:</span></span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The scariest thing about the Dallas bench is that Jason Terry sits on it. A consensus top-3 sixth man in the league, Jason Terry is one of those bench players that comes off the bench, not because he is not starter-quality, but to provide that spark in the middle of the first quarter (a la Ginobili). The Mavs' second leading scorer at 19.8 points and 3.6 assists, he takes over the major ball-handling responsibilities in the fourth quarter (we've already discussed the Mavs late-game offense) and is well known for "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" after he scores a clutch bucket. I guess the maneuver is a reference to the fact that he looks like a bird? I don't know. Putting Nic Batum or Roy on him in the fourth quarter would be our best bet to prevent this atrocity.</span><br /><br /><a style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHM120F2xUOcEoK8ypdWtPUQf6uXl5wiG2WqqxpdSkEoj0xbJTCllqGsTFa3v7bAX6CDw5cqsm9QhSEKihD31RxafkUmKv3o0JUrR6YRjqvgvGIITE-7lHkLUK_Eefw7DxB9GVELGmGqM/s1600-h/terry+fly.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 350px; height: 262px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHM120F2xUOcEoK8ypdWtPUQf6uXl5wiG2WqqxpdSkEoj0xbJTCllqGsTFa3v7bAX6CDw5cqsm9QhSEKihD31RxafkUmKv3o0JUrR6YRjqvgvGIITE-7lHkLUK_Eefw7DxB9GVELGmGqM/s400/terry+fly.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5315357407454634226" border="0" /></a><blockquote style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime!<br />(A little research has discovered that Jason Terry in fact calls himself "JET," so I assume this retarded-looking celebration is a reference to that. Too bad, I'm not changing the name.)</blockquote><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Let it be known: Here at Kobestoppers we HATE JJ Barea. With a fiery passion. Maybe this is because he seems to go 6-9 from the field with 6 assists and 9 rebounds every time we play them. For some reason (Sergio? Bayless?) our second unit allows Barea to get approximately 4 offensive rebounds against us. This is unacceptable. The Mavs are an excellent defensive rebounding team, but that does not excuse long offensive rebounds by their backup PG. Put a body on him on the glass and get in his face when he spots up and Barea should be no problem.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Brandon Bass is an oversized PF that actually has decent range (especially from the baseline). He rebounds just as well as Dampier, probably blocks shots just as well, and has a habit of playing out of his MIND against us.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The rest of the bench includes guys named Jerry, Devean, Matt, and Ryan. No, they aren't quirky roommates from the latest CBS sitcom, they are basketball players. Just not very good ones. Don't let 'em beat you.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Also worth noting is the fact that, while the Mavs have been consistently relevant within the Western Conference for the last 8 years, they have shown the inability to win big games. From their epic collapse in the Finals against D-Wade and the Miami Officials...er..Heat in 2006 to their shocking upset by eighth-seeded Golden State in 2007, the Mavericks have never quite gotten over that hump to become an elite team.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Can they pull off an eighth-seed upset of their own over the Lakers?</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br />*Help provided on this quote from Kobestopper Adam, and I promised I would publish this original artistic piece for him in return:</span> <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" dir="ltr" id=":14k"><br /><br />Listen up blondes, brunettes and bald people,<br />one of Chris Andersen's parents is a bald eagle.</span> <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" dir="ltr" id=":14k"><br />and the other happens to be a fire breathing dragon,<br />he was kicked out the NBA but now he's back on the wagon.<br />He took "birdman" instead of "bird-dragon man" because it's easier to say,<br />he was hatched from an egg 477 years ago to this day.<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" dir="ltr" id=":14k">That might seem just a tad bit old for ya,<br />but that's the truth, and he hatched in eastern Mongolia.<br />He plays basketball at a mile high pace,<br />and last week he smashed a basketball into Rudy Fernandez's face</span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">.</span>Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11801017069511981755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-60242151122803254002009-03-16T13:51:00.000-07:002009-03-16T14:03:50.124-07:00Young Nicolas' Movie CareerNicolas BaTOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-34c8CkwMv5imyMhrYqZtV0ijvOu6nCq6YDQuX_qZlj0wnIb6qCTRuTiSudbZYKAiE_idm1J1DHTdgX8OlatB4-D0r7UtLURgaQJ-EieYqG8BYa0kpakutgHl53s40bvIOzUN3PG1J7c/s1600-h/mummy-3-tomb-of-the-dragon-emperor-poster-1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 308px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-34c8CkwMv5imyMhrYqZtV0ijvOu6nCq6YDQuX_qZlj0wnIb6qCTRuTiSudbZYKAiE_idm1J1DHTdgX8OlatB4-D0r7UtLURgaQJ-EieYqG8BYa0kpakutgHl53s40bvIOzUN3PG1J7c/s400/mummy-3-tomb-of-the-dragon-emperor-poster-1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5313892081622647282" border="0" /></a><br />Batum checks in:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6vet2SDAZQ28qOyiHZnDLY869nM4loPd7fHFJxw3zKJSZbFEVg3gvHBDTzFYVU6lhRULN0CsfsUsPKGU1aSdsv3mQEl3e7gDnSlikCQeXMuQVedYz1hnMbXwgQ8kIT0Tc0trrPIcylsI/s1600-h/batum+checks+in.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 306px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6vet2SDAZQ28qOyiHZnDLY869nM4loPd7fHFJxw3zKJSZbFEVg3gvHBDTzFYVU6lhRULN0CsfsUsPKGU1aSdsv3mQEl3e7gDnSlikCQeXMuQVedYz1hnMbXwgQ8kIT0Tc0trrPIcylsI/s400/batum+checks+in.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5313893311309461474" border="0" /></a><br />Saturday Nicolas Fever:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhktWjViQMlMNZbLYzvV0cXyO7d1u-e3Q_RC5kEspJ-L3Ig6YfyQwm6hd-F_pLY3qK7E2ISRse4TqqNYphYVbnzRyuzccnhJzEY-K1dH3OPzZk97agOK7kddq_iO8DxrlwDzerHfZS2MRE/s1600-h/nicolas+saturday+night.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 293px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhktWjViQMlMNZbLYzvV0cXyO7d1u-e3Q_RC5kEspJ-L3Ig6YfyQwm6hd-F_pLY3qK7E2ISRse4TqqNYphYVbnzRyuzccnhJzEY-K1dH3OPzZk97agOK7kddq_iO8DxrlwDzerHfZS2MRE/s400/nicolas+saturday+night.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5313893647942485954" border="0" /></a><br />And he begins his video game career with BATUM RAIDER:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ06RT6de7XgxdH2k85WxbJFv_BLf9fp6ltoiIlTtLQMt0oK7jQjAchZdzzDVyN_jhP-SnuNFgfIXABJvJsqmJ7gpkLoezmVdxV1mH7WJYpBbdxCt2O73O63i7Um2xAmL05O09LtCejMY/s1600-h/batum+raider.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 357px; height: 356px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ06RT6de7XgxdH2k85WxbJFv_BLf9fp6ltoiIlTtLQMt0oK7jQjAchZdzzDVyN_jhP-SnuNFgfIXABJvJsqmJ7gpkLoezmVdxV1mH7WJYpBbdxCt2O73O63i7Um2xAmL05O09LtCejMY/s400/batum+raider.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5313894008153825746" border="0" /></a>Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11801017069511981755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-62922493295437625552009-03-05T16:18:00.000-08:002009-03-05T17:58:12.771-08:00Links! Basketball Links!What's up, maniacs?<br /><br />After a little break, I'm happy to announce that the Kobestoppers are back in full swing. Both Striker and I apologize for our lack of updates these past two weeks, but in our defense, we had a LOT of Street Fighter IV to play. Can you say flying, spinning piledriver? Cause Joe sure can. He knows how to spell that one backwards and forwards after that Soviet beatdown I laid on his candy ass with Zangief.<br /><br />Anyway, I figure that there's no better way to get back into the swing of things than with some Basketball Links. So come on, kids. Jump on the magic bus and start wasting even more time at work.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">LA Kobe/Cleveland LeBron makeout session</span></span><br /><object width="440" height="361"><param name="movie" value="http://espn.go.com/broadband/player.swf?mediaId=3893342"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://espn.go.com/broadband/player.swf?mediaId=3893342" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" allowscriptaccess="always" width="440" height="361"></embed></object><br /><br />Just in case you needed another reason to hate these two. Remember when rival players used to show animosity toward each other? Since I've already linked to the McHale/Rambis clothesline clip several times, I'll spare you guys this once. My point is, nowadays it's like everybody has that Magic/Isiah pregame hug/kiss routine going on. Remember last year when LeBron and Paul Pierce both exploded for like 40+ in their playoff series against each other? Didn't it seem like both of them were congratulating each other AS IT WAS HAPPENING? Smiling, high-fiving, essentially letting everyone know that, "Hey, we're happy we're both doing well for our respective teams!"<br /><br />You know what MJ would have done? He would have stared the other guy down, demanded to guard him, and said, "Look, I don't know exactly what you think you're doing here, but there is no f***ing way you're outplaying me tonight."<br /><br />The NBA: Where awesome crap like that used to happen.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"Kemp all over that rebound like a bad suit."</span></span><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/HQeMhYJe5JA&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/HQeMhYJe5JA&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Speaking of awesome stuff that used to happen, check out this Shawn Kemp Top 10 Dunks clip. I've reviewed it approximately 200 times, and both Striker and I agree that this is the most impressive Top 10 Dunks clip on Youtube. It's better than Dominique's. Better than Clyde's. Better than MJ's. Seattle fans, think of this more as an homage than a dig at you poor bastards not having a franchise anymore. Remember the good times.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/columns/story?columnist=hollinger_john&page=PERDiem-090305">Hollinger's Per Diem on the Magnificent Seven</a></span><br /><br />While I'll always be partial to The Natural as a nickname for Brandon, Hollinger makes a solid case. More importantly (or perhaps unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), he hits the nail on the head in describing Brandon's game. Surprise, fans on the east coast!<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"The Birdman flies in any weather."</span></span><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/f6GMSQKcp5c&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/f6GMSQKcp5c&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I guess what I'm trying to say is, we have absolutely no shot at getting a win tonight. Not with Birdman Andersen on watch.<br /><br /><br />That's it for right now, maniacs. Up next: In-depth previews of the seven squads we could potentially face in the playoffs.<br /><br />Oh, you didn't know? We keep it real sexy like that.<br /><br />That's the BIRD CALL.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-84151490671671929732009-02-20T13:11:00.000-08:002009-02-20T17:43:03.990-08:00BasketWar '99: Blade vs. StrikerWelcome, maniacs, to the most entertaining and least read hoops debate on the planet. Now, some of you might be saying, "Hey, isn't this just like that crappy <span style="font-style: italic;">He Said, She Said</span> article that's always in my favorite newspaper, but with basketball substituted for relationship difficulties?"<br /><br />Yes. It is. Go to Hell.<br /><br />Besides, we like to think of this more as a two-man, basketball-centric <span style="font-style: italic;">McLaughlin Group</span>. And yes, I've already called being Pat Buchanan. Sorry Joe, but you're just going to have to settle for Eleanor Clift. On that note, ISSUE NUMBAH ONE!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:130%;">1) NBA Trade Deadline: Winners and Losers</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />Blade:</span><br /><br />Well, I think the biggest winner is clearly Shawn Marion. I bet you money that he now wakes up every morning, gets down on his knees, and thanks God that he no longer has to share the ball on the perimeter. In Toronto, all he has to do is catch and shoot -- be it on the break, cutting through the half court, or just standing in the corner before launching one of those Sam Perkins-esque "Oh My God That's The Most Hideous Thing I've Ever Oh My God It Actually Went In" three-pointers he loves. He really needs to be thanking his lucky stars that he's playing with an elite point guard again. As we saw in Miami, without that Nash/Calderon-type distributor, The Matrix quickly forgets his kung fu.<br /><br />Runner up: Chicago. How in God's name did John Paxon turn Drew Gooden and Andres Nocioni into Brad Miller and John Salmons?? How long did it take Paxon to say yes to that? Three seconds? Two? He also managed to dump Larry Hughes on the Knicks. Granted, he only received Timmy Thomas in return, but I've actually kind of got a good feeling about <a href="http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e371/StroShow4/51702166.jpg">Ol' Double Headband</a> in Chicago. With Rose running the show, I think he'll be able to jog from three point line to three point line and still produce either in transition or off the drive and kick. Of course, he could go for 25 every night if he ever got in shape and actually TRIED TO HELP HIS TEAM, but that's another story for another time.<br /><br />Striker, you got some losers for me, dawg?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Striker:</span> </span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Losers, eh? Other than Mike? Umm..I would say Sacramento, but it appears their moves are just to make cap space so they did fine. Frankly, I'd say Milwaukee, even though they did nothing. Actually, </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">because </span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">they did nothing. Obviously Pritchard was off</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">ering less for Richard Jefferson + Ridnour than they wanted to accept and Bucks fans are probably happy that their team hasn't gone into complete tank mode, but what exactly are they trying to accomplish? I guess instead of taking the cap space and rebuilding through the draft around Ramon Sessions they'll have to enjoy watching an aging star continually lead them to the 10th seed in the Eastern conference. I'd be pissed.</span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"> </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span><span>O</span></span>ther than that, so few trades were made that there really were no big losers at the deadline. A huge portion of the trades that went down were purely for financial purposes, with teams trading scrubs with weird contracts back and forth to gain cap space either now or sometime in the future.<br /><br />Oh I forgot...MICHAEL RUFFIN, BITCHES!!!<br /><br /></span><img style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);" alt="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjszsgfTYrWuiOSlIkr5lNHnMRV1659pyRosCTNfwIeuREojv0cNHMrK9bkbyxr7DsPlMCezLVe4IpTEEmTwcHbVOPd7mAowldj-cvx1ZTE4FZk9S1-acVllwz2LBPfT0-kPKSZLLQD9TU2/s400/birth.bmp" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjszsgfTYrWuiOSlIkr5lNHnMRV1659pyRosCTNfwIeuREojv0cNHMrK9bkbyxr7DsPlMCezLVe4IpTEEmTwcHbVOPd7mAowldj-cvx1ZTE4FZk9S1-acVllwz2LBPfT0-kPKSZLLQD9TU2/s400/birth.bmp" /> <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><br />How could I forget? Sorry BULLS, how could you trade the perennial bench player behind this masterpiece:</span> <object style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);" width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/s5bqF4VDSx4&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/s5bqF4VDSx4&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object> <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><br /><br />The Ruffin Man FTW!!!</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >2) Bone Chips, Detached Retinas, and Sore Knees, Oh My!!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Striker</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">:</span> <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Well, it looks like David Stern forgot to select the "Turn Off Injuries" option on his non-fictional season of 2k9 because key players have been dropping like flies in the past few months. </span><a style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);" href="http://kobestoppers.blogspot.com/2009/02/joe-knows-2609.html">I'll refer you here</a><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"> for our thoughts on some injuries a month ago, but with a fresh new batch of pain to discuss, the biggest impact an injury will have on a team (in my opinion) is:</span> <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Greg Oden. </span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Ok, maybe this is my homerism speaking but, depending on how long Old Greg is sidelined, the Blazers are in a pretty precarious situation. Thank God for Pryz, the best backup center in the league. That said, what happens when Pryz goes out? Channing Frye comes in. This is bad. Like, 1/2 a Frye with no Frye sauce bad. Case in point, Wednesday's game against Memphis:</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTKjwPnOli7Aet0dxB8qWdQ60NWK5tbYvyhm2l9tGz3Btm-35kr2RB4446ad2qM_oh1Zv4priczbVA2lxnk_zGraehX3veQGt5tV5uoTHxO_bu59Og4DRYqMTHRn5uEJDpVog-3wCvMXc/s1600-h/plus+minus+memphis+game.bmp"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 465px; height: 223px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTKjwPnOli7Aet0dxB8qWdQ60NWK5tbYvyhm2l9tGz3Btm-35kr2RB4446ad2qM_oh1Zv4priczbVA2lxnk_zGraehX3veQGt5tV5uoTHxO_bu59Og4DRYqMTHRn5uEJDpVog-3wCvMXc/s400/plus+minus+memphis+game.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5305016989895734322" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Ok, that's pretty much unreadable, but the point is that Joel is a +19 and Channing is a -10. Normally I don't give much weight to the +/- statistic, but in this case it is very representative. The Blazers were up 12 with about 6 minutes left in the second quarter when Joel came out, pushing Frye to the center position. We finished the quarter up 4. Let's just say, when the Blazers match up against Western Conference and division rivals in the last 30 games of the season, WE WANT GREG. Not Channing.</span> <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Blade, what do you think? What injury is going to be the most costly? The least costly?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Blade:</span><br /><br />You know, considering I wasn't able to dump Drew Gooden before the trade deadline in our fantasy league, I'm going to have to take Striker's "loser" comment in stride. God, I hate Drew Gooden.<br /><br />Injuries, eh? Well, I know everybody's up in a huff about Amare's eyeball (seriously, if you don't believe me, just go to <a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/">ESPN</a>), but I think I'm going to go against the grain on this one. Here's why: I don't think the Suns were making the playoffs with Amare in the lineup anyway. That was a sinking ship, period. So at this point, there are two options for Phoenix:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.blogcdn.com/nba.fanhouse.com/media/2009/02/elginbaylor-tz-150.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 150px; height: 215px;" src="http://www.blogcdn.com/nba.fanhouse.com/media/2009/02/elginbaylor-tz-150.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />The first involves the team plummeting to the bottom of the conference without their best player. What's the difference between finishing just out of playoff contention and taking dead last? Well, for one, a trip to the Lottery and an honorary Elgin Baylor sweater. Look, I'm not saying the Suns are actually going to lose their last 29 games without Amare in the lineup, but it's a fact that every game they lose from here on out actually improves their draft position next year. Considering that Oklahoma City owns Phoenix's first round pick in 2010, the Suns need to make this year's draft count if they're serious about rebuilding.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">*Kobestoppers does not and has never condoned the shameful practice of tanking. Blade was simply making a point regarding the impact of Amare's injury on the floundering Suns. Thank you.*</span><br /><br />The second option, if you'll excuse my blatant theft of a Simmons-ism, is the <a href="http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?id=1193711">Ewing Theory</a>. Under new head coach Alvin Gentry, these Suns are now classic underdogs instead of scorned underacheivers. All the pressure's off, and that makes them dangerous. If the performances against the Clips are any indication, Gentry's basically saying, "Screw it. Run the ball down their throat, Steve." Look for Barbosa and Barnes to step up in Amare's absence.<br /><br />No matter which future takes place for these Suns, Amare's injury will not hurt them as bad as everybody seems to think it will. No, the most devastating injury so far has been Jameer Nelson's. I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. Nelson was playing OUT OF HIS MIND this year. But more than just putting up great numbers, he had become the silent leader of that Magic squad. He consistently stepped up this year and hit big threes and clutch free throws. When a team loses its floor general and replaces him with a combination of Anthony Johnson, Tyronn Lue and whatever Skip To My Lou's real name is, that's devastating. With Nelson, Orlando had a legitimate shot to sneak into the Finals. Without him, I think they're going down in round two.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >3) Western Conference: Who's IN?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Blade</span><br /><br />I got some seeds for ya. PREACH IT!<br /><br />1) LA KOBE<br />2) San Antonio<br />3) Denver<br />4) Portland<br />5) New Orleans<br />6) Utah<br />7) Houston<br />8) Dallas<br /><br />These first three are locks. I can't see the Hornets catching the Spurs, and I think Denver's going to take care of business in this last third of the season.<br /><br />The next three are a little tricky, but I think that despite Greg's health concerns, the Blaze will pull together and slide into that fourth seed. It also doesn't hurt that we're playing OKC twice and Memphis three times. If the Blazers take care of business at home (15 of the remaining 29 games are at the Rose Garden), we should be able to hold off CP3's Hornets and Slightly Worse Than CP3's Jazz.<br /><br />The seventh and eighth seeds could go either way, but I like Houston to beat out Dallas for the title of "Second Crappiest." The departure of Alston allows Aaron Brooks to step into the spotlight, where he should have been for most of this season. The absence of T-Mac also provides another Ewing Theory scenario. Artest and Battier will probably step it up, resulting in better ball movement in the half court and more open looks. Because of their lack of depth, also look for Lowry to get some decent minutes both backing up Brooks and playing along side him as a combo guard.<br /><br />And don't forget about Phoenix. I almost went balls out and threw them in the sixth seed. Realistically, they're probably not going to get in, but I'm giving them a 20 percent chance of just tearing s--- up for these last 30 games. Stranger things have happened.<br /><br />That's it for me. Strike-Nasty, how do you see it going down in the Wild Wild West?<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Striker</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Well, I'm going to have to disagree with you a little on this one, Blade, because you are wrong.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">1) LA KOBE BLACK MAMBA 99% ACCURACY AND PRECISION AT MAXIMUM SPEED.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">'Nuff said.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">2) The Denver JR Smith I hate you with a passion and want to shave that Luigi moustache while you sleep.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Denver has been fantastic this year and, if anything, they are improving as the team continues to gel. Most folks point to Chauncey Billups turning this squad around from a year ago. This certainly has something to do with it, but he does not get all the credit here. As my friend and avid Nugget enthusiast Adam eagerly pointed out, Nene (sorry I can't figure out how to put the ^ above his name) has been an absolute beast for the team. While Camby was defensive player of the year for them in the past and put up huge rebounding and block numbers, Nene is simply a better fit in their system and much more effective on the offensive end. Look for them to start to distance themselves from the pack (other than the KOBE, obviously) because of:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">3) The San Antonio Manu Ginobili's ankles are made of partially-cooked spaghetti noodles.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The Spurs have quietly creeped into the third spot in the West, and I think they will stay there. Yes, they are notorious for "turning it on" in the last 1/3 of the season and into the playoffs, but I think the loss of Manu for up to three weeks will cause them to drop some games and subsequently be unable to catch the Nuggs for the second seed. That said, when the playoffs do roll around, YOU DO NOT WANT TO PLAY THIS TEAM. Duncan/Parker (and Manu, if healthy) will be as efficiently effective as always and, if Roger Mason keeps dropping bombs like he has been during the regular season, they will likely go pretty deep.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">4) The Portland Jesus Christ this is going to be a nervewracking finish please stay healthy Greg.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Portland is in a great position to get the fourth spot (and maybe even the third if they can stay healthy and beat all the teams they should beat). Big games in the final 29 of the schedule: SA twice (away and home), LA KOBE twice (both at home), and Denver twice (away and home). Stealing half of these games would be good, more than that would put them in great position going into the postseason.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">5) The Utah We love the Family Circus sooooo much in Utah.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The Jazz have been affected by injuries perhaps more than any team in the West besides the Rockets. First it was Deron Williams, then it was Boozer, then Millsap was spotty for a few weeks, then AK47 was out. If they didn't have little Jeffy running willy-nilly and good ol' Gramps watching over them from above, I think Jazz fans might have gone crazy. That said, if and when they can finally get healthy they will be the scariest of the lower seeds. Williams/Kirilenko/Millsap/Boozer/Okur is a scary good lineup if they can all get on the floor. I think they make a push the last months and get the 5 seed.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">6) The New Orleans It's not you, Tyson, it's us...oh never mind actually you are the greatest.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The Hornets are going to lose in the first round of the playoffs. Book it, put it in your pipe, call your bookie, whatever you do. You heard it here. The team that lost in the Western Conference semifinals is sputtering toward the finish this year. After the botched Tyson Chandler trade, he comes back to New Orleans...only to keep sitting with a bum ankle. If your team just tried to trade you to create cap space, would you be in a huge hurry to come back from injury and bust your ass for them? CP3 is unreal, David West is a good player, but the Hornets bench has been less than spectacular and James Posey has not lived up to the hype. If they meet the Spurs in the first round they're toast in 5.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">7) The Houston Maybe if T-Mac isn't playing we can win a playoff series.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">But no, you can't. After the Rafer Alston/Kyle Lowry trade things are going to be interesting at the point in Houston. Blade (see above) seems convinced that Brooks is the new starter in Houston, but I'm not so sure. AB has been great off the bench and frankly is a better scorer/spot-up shooter than a true point guard distributor. Brooks will get increased minutes and his production will be key, but I see Lowry starting at the point for Houston. Yao is a great player, but can he really lead them on any kind of playoff run? Striker is doubtful.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">8) The Dallas How worthless is Dirk Nowitski going to be by the time Mark Cuban finally trades him?</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">I agree with Blade that Dallas is the last team that limps into the playoffs, then gets swept (probably) by Mamba & Co. We know this team can't win anything major, but the way Kidd has been hitting the three and the fact that Dirk is still Dirk (at least for now) I think they are still a playoff team in the West. Oh, and that NBA Where Dirk Happens commercial that announces "Where my best is yet to come happens"? Uhhh....I'm not so sure about that one.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Well that's it for BasketWar '99. Portland takes on the Hawks in t-minus 86 minutes and counting. Stay tuned.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-21380442320019949142009-02-17T06:34:00.000-08:002009-02-17T07:32:56.464-08:00Links! Basketball Links!Well, NBA All-Star Weekend has come and gone once again. Saddening, I know. But don't fret, my friends, for every rain cloud has a silver lining. In the coming weeks, we will be treated to:<br /><br />1) A trade deadline mish-mash-mix-em-up in which our Blazers are being rumored to participate. Whispers around the water cooler (or, you know, all over the Internet. Same thing) are pointing to possible trades with SacTown, Milwaukee, Chicago and even Philly. One thing is for certain: no matter who KP1 decides to Pritchslap this year, it's going to be exciting.<br /><br />Unless of course we just sit on RLEC and wait for it to expire this summer. Then I will frown.<br /><br />2) Nine teams competing for eight spots in the Western Conference. We WILL be one of those eight teams, my friends. I have <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAJe4XWWx1Q&feature=related">foreseen it.</a><br /><br />3) THE RETURN OF CHARLES BARKLEY, BABY!!!!!!<br /><br />Number three is my favorite, in case you didn't catch that.<br /><br />In honor of The Round Mound's return, here's an all Chaz Barkley links post. Enjoy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >"Please, y'all, go back to Damon Jones' jacket."</span><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_eyY2_6_fbU&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_eyY2_6_fbU&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br />Do I really need to say anything here? For the full effect, watch it three times. Trust me.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >The Stormin' Mormon strikes again</span><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/n_QXL4z5hcM&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/n_QXL4z5hcM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br />Kenny is so heartless. Shawn Bradley is one of the few people on the planet who has mastered the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPWh24YQ1go">Dim Mak,</a> OK? Bruce Springsteen is his shidoshi.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Tiger's Envy</span><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/s50K65PNeBU&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/s50K65PNeBU&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br />It's a thing of beauty, isn't it?<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >The Big Charles Barkely Mix</span><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/W0COm1MfaWM&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/W0COm1MfaWM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br />Because of his brilliant and colorful onscreen persona as TNT's resident Muppet, we forget just how good this guy was in his prime. Time to remember.<br /><br />All right, maniacs. That's it for today. But before I get out of here, I'll leave you with one final, beautiful image. As many of you know, Kobestopper Joe was lucky enough to get courtside seats to last week's Blazers/Warriors game in Oakland. Here is a screen grab from that affair. I've taken the liberty of labeling the important parties in the picture.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6RlvmQsOvguxQhfL7lBYCDHk1p6NYvVk42AaJy7evIN_eh5QnDqzobNU1JwDVQCbtiXJWSh7S-9SAeNSq5_8BD8j5M005YL6W61y5KoYANNozrH7EI_XSR2erlTs2pq0b2Eol2qvwxL-H/s1600-h/joe+warriors+game+labeled.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 402px; height: 248px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6RlvmQsOvguxQhfL7lBYCDHk1p6NYvVk42AaJy7evIN_eh5QnDqzobNU1JwDVQCbtiXJWSh7S-9SAeNSq5_8BD8j5M005YL6W61y5KoYANNozrH7EI_XSR2erlTs2pq0b2Eol2qvwxL-H/s320/joe+warriors+game+labeled.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5303786499507264434" border="0" /></a>I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world. But I do know this: that is the face of a young man who is f---ing happy to see Joel Przybilla.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-51225320846481869142009-02-13T13:17:00.000-08:002009-02-16T12:54:06.158-08:00Running Diary - All-Star Weekend 2009<span style="font-weight: bold;">2/13/09</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">1:18 PM, PST</span><br /><br />They said it couldn't be done.<br /><br />But they were wrong.<br /><br />The disbelievers trembled with fear, jaws agape, as the pair of shockingly-handsome, hyper-intelligent supernovae, clothed in pants of white and green, descended upon the basketball plebes.<br /><br />The commoners, near blind and deaf from staring at the beautiful madness of the two basketball demigods, began to scatter, begging for their lives and the lives of their children. All of them fled.<br /><br />All but one.<br /><br />A lone peasant, Murial of Lake Oswego, stood his ground and cried out, "My Lords! Art thou mad?! A diary encompassing the entirety of All-Star Weekend?! Surely you jest! Come, brothers, let us take up arms against our shiny overlords, so that we may rule our own kind and worship the great Round Ball in our own way!!"<br /><br />The members of the fleeing hoard stopped in their tracks, their legs rooted to the ground like oak trunks. All eyes shot toward the two levitating figures. They stood frozen, breathless, waiting for what was to come.<br /><br />With a single, understated wave of his right hand, Lord Striker crushed the larynx of the arrogant fool Murial, leaving him gasping for air and ruing his decision to defy his noble Gods.<br /><br />As Murial began to run out of air, Lord Blade spoke softly to the shocked masses:<br /><br />"Hear me, oh people of Rip City. Through the eons, Striker and I have watched over thy generations, guiding thy people through deadly jungles, always protecting them from the ever-lurking Mamba. Have faith in thy Lords, and I say unto thee this day, thou shalt dine upon the Mamba's flesh and suck at his bones. And thy victory will be so glorious, oh Portland, that thou shalt be sustained for a thousand years."<br /><br />And the people did cheer and hoot and throw their hands toward the sky, praising their benevolent keepers. Even Murial was healed that day, a gift of forgiveness bestowed upon him from above. And the praise from the plebes was so great that the heavens themselves opened up and did begin to sing, "Vote me."<br /><br />The disciples Greg, Brandon and Rudy were each to be rewarded for their noble sacrifices through the first 50 contests of the grueling NBA season. Each would receive a trophy made of iron and silver and balsa wood, commemorating their round ball superiority. And so it was, in the year two-thousand and nine, that the people of Portland were finally relieved of the heavy and uncomfortable cross borne for so many years. The last memory of the Bonzi Wells era had been swept away, and the people rejoiced with shouts of Rip City and Boom Chakalaka.<br /><br />So shall it be written, so shall it be done.<br /><br />So, um...yeah. We're gonna do a diary for pretty much the whole weekend, guys. Make sure to check back, because we'll be updating at all hours, day and night. The plan is to just keep adding to this post, so it'll be all in one place. Just scroll down to where you last left off and you'll be good to go.<br /><br />Oh yeah, before I forget, I'd like to share one last thing. When I was at the Jazz game a couple weeks ago, I saw some middle-aged moron walking around in this woven abortion:<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://tsa.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/p941579reg.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 220px; height: 220px;" src="http://tsa.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/p941579reg.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Seriously, what kind of an ass wears this to a WIZARDS game, much less to the freaking Rose Garden??? I will never understand the non-existent "throwback" jersey. Not now. Not in 10 years. Not when I look like Burgess Meredith.<br /><br />All right, maniacs. We'll be in touch.<br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br />T-Mobile NBA Rookie/Sophomore T-Mobile Youth SlamJam T-Mobile Rookie Challenge!<br />2/13/09<br />6:00 PM, PST</span><br /><br />So, I know what you’re thinking.<br /><br />You’re thinking, “Hey, JERK. You said that this was going to be a diary of the WHOLE weekend, and yet, here I am, NOT reading about the celebrity game that took place this afternoon.”<br /><br />In response to these concerns, I will say this: I accidentally slept through the stupid celebrity, game, OK? Call a cop. Jeez. If you’re really that worried about it, then here, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ok61CAQ3JuM">check this out.</a> Can you believe the balls on Michael Rapaport? I mean, I’ve generally despised everything the man has ever done (except <span style="font-style: italic;">Cop Land</span>. Ooooh how I love <span style="font-style: italic;">Cop Land</span>), and I’m not exactly sure how he qualifies as a “celebrity,” but I think he might be one of my new favorite celebrities after popping that three in T.O.’s eye and talking all that smack. Write it down: Mike Rapaport is not as big a douche bag as I had previously thought. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Chris Tucker.<br /><br />Hey, speaking of crappy things, did you guys know that this Rookie/Sophomore game is sponsored by T-Mobile? No, really. It is. T-Mobile.<br /><br />T-Mobile.<br /><br />6:12 – Dwight Howard and Dwyane Wade will be the coaches tonight for our annual contest to see which team can miss the most alley-oops. I gotta say, Dwyane is looking SHARP in that yellow bowtie/vest combo. And I do believe that is the most enormous yellow diamond I’ve ever seen, and it's HANGING FROM HIS EAR. Actually, now that I think about it, I had no idea that yellow diamonds even existed. Sadly, Dwyane has negated his cool wardrobe choice by wearing a single strip of football…um…I guess you’d call it “eye blue”…with his name written on it. I can best describe this decision as poor.<br /><br />6:13 – KURT RAMBIS SIGHTING.<br /><br />I really want to get Kevin McHale up in this bitch and just start replaying <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7r6vXeOfyQ">“the clothesline”</a> over and over again on the jumbotron. You know those two have unfinished business.<br /><br />6:14 – Is it me, or should Travis Outlaw and Aaron Brooks fight to the death for title of Greatest Basketball E.T? Actually, come to think of it, AB is more of a chipmunk than an alien. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION, TRAVIS OUTLAWWW!!!!!!!!<br /><br />6:15 – BronBron is providing color commentary while Nic Batum works his magic in what I assume is the French broadcast. I wonder if I can somehow pick that up?<br /><br />6:16 – Yep, I still hate Craig Sager.<br /><br />6:17 – Looks like Greg isn’t playing tonight because of a sore left knee. Ten to one says that “sore left knee” is code for “Nate doesn’t want me getting hurt playing in this stupid thing.”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">First Half</span><br /><br />6:18 – Oh my God, those are the most hideous uniforms I’ve ever seen. My TV screen looks like a giant Taco Bell menu in HD.<br /><br />6:20 – OK, so Rudy seems to actually be playing hard, here. It’s clear that he does not quite understand All-Star Weekend protocol. Does this mean that tomorrow night he’s just going to try to dunk the ball as many times as possible within his allotted 90 seconds? Oh, god. I hope he understands the rules.<br /><br />6:23 – Al Harrington has a signature shoe on sale at K-Mart now. In other important news, I pooped about two hours ago.<br /><br />6:30 – Wow, Michael Beasley’s shoes look like they’re from another planet. Oooh, maybe Travis designed them! Seriously, Beasley’s shoes and Craig Sager’s suits need to get together and make some cute little multicolored toe sock babies.<br /><br />6:35 – Man, I just CANNOT get over how freaking big that yellow diamond is. That thing must have cost Dwyane like $20,000. 31-27, Rookies with 9:22 to go in the half.<br /><br />6:38 – Doesn’t Marc Gasol look like that kid who got held back like three years in elementary school? I can just picture him at 15 years old dominating a bunch of sixth graders, his full beard flapping in the wind.<br /><br />6:44 – Where. The f---. Is Rudy?!<br /><br />Look, he started 2-3 from three-point land, and Wade has had him on the bench for what seems an eternity, all to make room for Russell “Don’t Call Me Brian” Westbrook. Great.<br /><br />6:45 – OK. Never mind. Wade just put Rudy in.<br /><br />6:51 – I am going to slap Sager’s face <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOIUWdJWaec&feature=related">SO SUUUUUUPER HARD.</a> What a jerk. Way to make Greg feel even worse about not playing, Craig. I can pretty much guarantee that he’s going to cry one single, powerful tear when he gets back to his hotel room.<br /><br />7:01 – The Sophs steal five quick points to end the half, capped by a Mayo three off the glass. Just like Dwight drew it up.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Halftime</span><br /><br />I have only one halftime thought tonight, because after watching roughly eight minutes of what can best be described as “visual diarrhea,” most of my brain melted and oozed out my right ear. At least I know the name of my tormentor:<br /><br />CORBIN BLEU.<br /><br />WHYYYYY GODDDDDD???????!!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Second Half</span><br /><br />7:19 – Pau kicks BronBron out of the booth. I wish Pau’s accent were thicker.<br /><br />7:40 – “Hole own, Dwyane, I’m a trah sumpin’ fansuh.”<br /><br />I MISS CHARLES BARKELY.<br /><br />7:41 – Holy God, KD has 35. He’s a good player. 98-93, Sophs.<br /><br />7:59 – OK, so as you can probably tell, I sort of stopped taking notes. It’s 112-103 with 3:03 to go. Is this…is this actually a GOOD GAME??? Both teams…played…hard? This has never happened before. I’m…vexed.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Final Score</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0); font-weight: bold;">Sophomores 122</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">Rookies 116</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204); font-weight: bold;">Kevin Durant 46/7</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Final Thoughts</span><br /><br />One more time, just for the record, Kevin Durant is excellent at basketball.<br /><br />If he keeps this up, Dwight Howard is going to give <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POkyWhh3Ihw">Dikembe Mutombo</a> a run for his money in the “All-Star Weekend Facial Expressions” contest. Too bad he can’t dunk in the contest and WATCH himself dunk in the contest at the same time.<br /><br />Chris Bosh is SUCH a dinosaur. Mere coincidence that he plays for the Raptors? I think not. I really want Bosh and Jerryd to end up on the same team at some point, making us one step closer to a Jurassic Park All-Star Team.<br /><br />Plenty more weekend where this came from, maniacs. Stay tuned.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Edit: 2/14/09</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1:45 AM, PST</span><br /><br />OK, so apparently Greg actually chipped his knee cap when he collided with Maggette last night. I think I speak for all Blazer fans everywhere when I say, "F---."<br /></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Guest Segment - Injectin' Estrogen</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2/14/09</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">10:17 AM, PST</span></span><br /><br />Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Darcy, and I have the distinct pleasure of calling Mike and Joe my friends, spiritual basketball gurus and fellow Medford-Lifers. For my guest Valentine’s Day contribution to KobeStoppers I would like to inject some much-needed estrogen into the mix utilizing my keen female prowess. Without further ado, I give all you maniacs the Trail Blazers heartthrob report for the season thus far. In a crude order of sexiness/skill/aesthetic here is the list thus far:<br /><br />1. Rudy Fernandez<br />2. Joel Przybilla<br />3. Brandon Roy<br />4. Martell Webster<br />5. LaMarcus Aldridge<br />6. Sergio Rodriguez<br />7. Greg Oden<br />8. Jerryd Bayless<br />9. Travis Outlaw<br />10. Stevie Blake<br />11. Ike Diogu<br />12. Channing Frye<br />13. Shavlik Randolph<br /><br />Leading the team in the sexy-factor (no surprise here) is the incomparable better half of the Spanish inquisition, Rudy Fernandez. With his chiseled features, perfectly executed five o’clock shadow, and adorably broken English, I think he even makes Mike Rice blush with every glance to the scoring table (though Ricey could be red in the face for a different reason). I would run with that bull any day.<br /><br />Next up on the attractive-scale is none other than the Vanilla Gorilla himself, Joel Przybilla. Though this high ranking may have something to do with my love of huge and equally dorky centers, Joel’s basketball consistency and blue-collar attitude make you want to bake him a pie and talk about how much you both hate Shaq.<br /><br />B-Roy’s attractiveness stems from his comfort on the court. The Natural’s grace and poise on the floor seem indicative of the maturity and style of the perennial All-Star that he is (yeah, that doesn’t hurt either). Plus, that strong and smooth left hand seems good for more than just ridiculous reverse lay-ups in traffic.<br /><br />Martell is hot. Have you seen his pea coat? I wish everyone in the Navy looked like him. He looks like a young <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ww8R1-FoOI8">Dennis Haysbert.</a> Martell for president!<br /><br />Next is the man who gives the ladies heart conditions and has one himself, LaMarcus Aldridge. Though I have my suspicions of a secret romance with Rebecca Haarlow, the women of Portland still have hope. His trim facial hair does little to disguise the dimpled baby face of a future All-Star and the kind of guy you want to bring home to Mom.<br /><br />Serge!!! I feel like running up a muddy hill while hopped up on frighteningly caffeinated soda from the 90’s. But seriously, I would do him.<br /><br />Now to assess Greg. He’s old, adorable and has a map of the world on his face. Plus, there is the added benefit of getting some senior discounts. Greg is the only dude in the league who’s fake ID is an AARP card. We goin’ Sizzler!<br /><br />Jerryd Bayless is obviously a good-looking cat, and he kind of looks like T.I. But his eyebrows are so perfect and he is so well groomed it is rather intimidating. Lay off the wax, bro. Plus, he wears way more jewelry than I do.<br /><br />My ninth and tenth picks are everyone’s favorite extra-terrestrial duo. It is tough for me to judge Blake and Outlaw on their sexiness because we are not the same species. I simply don’t know what is “good looking” or “attractive” for an alien. I love them both, but would never want to take the chance of ending up giving birth to ultra destructive and ingenious <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq8PsV_2wPLpgOdzFyVeF-c0Mq2KztG3O1DhJQ7zjIsxMDv8lP_GO5DNui04C-nrW8CWfz13gi23ktoatwptT0YRABOAqUYdROyZN5FrGg4LsWPDiTGfBSYkapmRyTS1h4fH0Z67_cId8g/s400/the_fly_costumed.jpg">alien spawn. </a><br /><br />The last three don’t really play. That trumps looks. Sorry.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">HORSE: Saving you 15% or more on car insurance</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2/14/09</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4:32 PM, PST</span></span><br /><br />In lieu of a running diary of this advertising abomination of a playground game, let me provide you with the following rundown:<br /><br />The contest began with each of the players (Joe Johnson, Kevin Durant, OJ Mayo) taking exciting and amazingly difficult trick shots from all over the court. This would have been great except, unsurprisingly, they <span style="font-style: italic;">had difficulty making them</span>. Shocking, I know. As a result, a couple of made shots from deep in the crowd gave way to three pointers and granny-shots from the foul line.<br /><br />Joe Johnson was the first to be eliminated after he airballed a Rick Barry-style free throw. Ugly.<br /><br />Kevin Durant then proceeded to hit 3 three pointers in a row, which OJ Mayo missed, giving KD the GEICO horse trophy on a come-from-behind victory.<br /><br />I'm sorry, but I've seen more exciting shooting competitions between bench players when bad teams warm up before games. Literally, I was being distracted by leaves falling from a tree outside my window. Everyone who was raving about how fun it would be to have NBA players compete at HORSE can shut up now, thank you. Experiment tried, experiment failed, let's all move on.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Events that would be more exciting than NBA All Star HORSE:</span></span><br /><br />- NBA players playing NBA video games against one another. Hell, let's have NBA players playing HORSE in an NBA video game, it would still be better.<br /><br />-Horseshoes.<br /><br />- Freestyle rap battle. Shaq vs. Kobe, anyone?<br /><br />- NBA Scrabble. I'm thinking...<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Uvs92hayVg">Kenyon Martin</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w3mihzzZZM">Josh Howard</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYY338_JgvI">Stephon Marbury</a>, and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6nmHflqcAo">Delonte West</a>. And yes, we will count "Hands down, mans down, man" as one word.<br /><br />- A Dance Dance Revolution contest with every player over 7 feet tall except Greg Oden.<br /><br /><br />That's all I can stomach for now. I'm going to go rinse my eyes with some Mr. Clean.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">All-Star Saturday Night </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2/14/09</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5:29 PM, PST</span></span><br /><br />All right, maniacs. This is the night we’ve all been waiting for. Well, actually, it’s the night before the night we’ve all been waiting for, but don’t let that discourage you. Getcha popcorn ready, because it’s time for Spanish Rocky to shake up the world.<br /><br />5:32 – Well, all my expectations have already been exceeded for the evening’s proceeding thanks to three little words:<br /><br />It’s Britney, bitch.<br /><br />Yeah, man. Nothing says “NBA All-Star Weekend” quite like a washed-up pop star (who couldn’t sing to begin with, by the way) gyrating at me in HD. For future reference, is there any way I can “un-HD” my television during certain...unpleasant situations? Woof.<br /><br />5:34 – Oh no. Don’t tell me they’re actually bringing back the stupid “NBA player/WNBA player/borderline-obese-at-this-point former NBA player” shooting thing. WHY? Why would David Stern do this to us??? Does he hate us? What did we ever do to him?<br /><br />5:36 – OK, never mind. I take it all back. Watching Bill Laimbeer jump off the wrong foot while launching doomsday missiles from half court is EXACTLY how I want to spend my Saturday night.<br /><br />5:37 – God, every minute of this garbage feels like an hour. The NBA: where HORRIBLY BORING EXERCISES IN FUTILITY happen.<br /><br />5:50 – Thank God this stupid thing is over. Now, for the equally unnecessary practice of awarding a trophy that’s size is inversely proportional to the importance of the contest won. Hooray!<br /><br />5:51 – And for the record, I still hate Aaron Afflalo. Although I must admit, his Ricky Davis-esque demeanor during the “competition” was both nauseating and endearing. Seriously, how do you “lazy” a 15-foot jump shot? How is that even possible??? Watching him shoot made me want to bore a hole in my forehead my with roommate’s power drill, but for some reason I just couldn’t look away. It was beautiful carnage, friends. That’s the best way I can describe it.<br /><br />5:57 – Time for a little Playstation Skillzzzzz Challenge, folks.<br /><br />Oh, what’s that? They could throw a bunch of topless Victoria’s Secret models out there, and you’d still be bored to death watching them dribble through cones? Yeah, me too.<br /><br />6:04 – Apparently, Mo Williams has decided that he’s not going to sweat tonight. Probably a smart move. We wouldn’t want him to have to take a shower after the competition, or anything. What do you bet he’s got his club wear in a duffel under his chair on the bench?<br /><br />6:09 – Derrick Rose has decided to follow the Afflalo/Williams model, and he half-hearted jogs through the course. I’m SO glad I decided to watch this.<br /><br />6:11 – What is it with these NBA superstars dressing like Steve Urkel? I suddenly want a picture BronBron and Wade with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_jq5WN_rv8&feature=related">Reginald VelJohnson.</a><br /><br />6:17 – Let it be known: the color of Shaq’s suit is “everlasting cactus green.” This pleases me.<br /><br />Speaking of the Shaqtus, I found <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNQom8At61k&NR=1">this video</a> far more entertaining that these first two events.<br /><br />6:26 – Onward and upward, maniacs. We’ve got a three-point contest just begging to be tonight’s savior.<br /><br />Let’s look at our entrants:<br /><br />Rashard Lewis is a pure shooter like I’m a great dunker. The only way he wins this thing is if we tell him that his contract extension is riding on it.<br /><br />Danny Granger is a good player, but not a guy for the three-point contest. We might as well have called up Q Richardson and had him come along, too (how did Q win one of these things???). The only way he should get in this contest is if they went back to the old eight-man, three-round format. Then I could see it. He’d be the honorary Detlef Schrempf entry.<br /><br />Mike Bibby is not a consistent three-point threat. He’s great off a pick with the ball in his hands, but he’s got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning a “catch-and-shoot from two feet outside your range” contest, which is what this is for him.<br /><br />Roger Mason is the new Robert Horry, apparently. Great. Good for him. But just because you’ve hit a few threes in clutch situations does not mean that you are a great volume shooter. Sorry.<br /><br />Daequan Cook is apparently playing for the Miami Heat right now. Honest to God, I didn’t know he was on an NBA roster.<br /><br />Jason Kapono – Man, this guy is the King of the Douches, but he sure can shoot that three-ball. Here’s your Bird/Hodges/Price/Allen/Dirk entry, folks. Though I’m reluctant to say he’s on the level of Bird and Hodges, if he wins his third consecutive title tonight, he’ll have to be mentioned in the same breath as those guys. Never mind the fact that he’s the only shooter in the competition this year. Seriously, if he doesn’t run away with this thing, it’ll be the biggest disappointment since I noticed we were out of Ho-Ho’s this morning.<br /><br />OK, so never mind about that whole “savior” thing, I guess. I'm telling you, we need an eight-man field. Rudy, Ray Allen, Peja and Dirk should all be in this thing.<br /><br />7:13 – Congratulations…Daequan Cook?<br /><br />And congratulations to the NBA for going 0-3 so far tonight. Well, at least we got to watch a bunch of guys SHOOT LIKE CRAP for 40 minutes in a contest that’s supposed to showcase long-range accuracy. Maybe they should change the name to the Foot Locker Ironic Embarrassment for next year.<br /><br />7:18 – Well, Kenny Smith has started to scream the names of random heavyweights from the 1970s, which clearly tells me that it’s time to watch some basketballs be dunked. But first, it seems TNT has a very special musical performance for us. Fun! I was actually just thinking about what this weekend has been sorely lacking in, and I realized that it was <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fs3vtVf_I-0">HORRIBLE MUSICAL ACTS THAT MAKE YOU BEG FOR DEATH.</a><br /><br />Seriously, the musical performances so far this weekend have been the WORST that I have ever seen, and I’ve seen <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kA-uwa4_fNI">them all.</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kElqjnp7A1s">ALL of them.</a><br /><br />By the way, I’ve been watching this show for almost two hours at this point, and I still cannot figure out what the hell that little CGI demon mascot is supposed to be. It’s maddening.<br /><br />7:29 – I think we’re finally going to get to see some dunking, sports fans. Thank God.<br /><br />Personal note to Larry Nance: SWEET paisley tie.<br /><br />7:39 – Damn you, Pau Gasol. And damn you Kenny and Reggie. Even that hilarious diss on Mark Jackson after <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDyBSTQDwH8">Tom Chambers</a> was announced as a judge cannot save you from my wrath at this point.<br /><br />I almost threw something at the TV when Kenny made fun of the “amateurism of Spain.”<br /><br />The fact of the matter is this: Rudy got screwed worse than Hitman Hart at the Survivor Series. You know it. I know it. The American people know it. I’m not going to talk about it anymore because my doctor says my blood pressure is dangerously high as it is, and I can already start to feel that little vein in my forehead beginning to swell. Let’s just move on to the final. To read Rudy's thoughts on the screw job (in English), click <a href="http://blogderudyfernandez.blogspot.com/2009/02/of-tim-duncans-outrage-and-hidden-el.html">here.</a><br /><br />By the way, did anybody else catch that three-second shot of George Gervin sitting on the sideline with his chin on his hand, looking like he was watching paint dry? The NBA: where all-time greats falling asleep during your most exciting event happens.<br /><br />Also, one more note from the first round: I hate J.R. Smith.<br /><br />OK, two more. Did you guys see Dwight dunk on that 12-foot rim? I mean, as a basketball Youtube fiend, it’s not like I’ve never seen <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGNY4GUW_UE&feature=related">a guy dunk 12-feet before</a>, but here’s the thing: Dwight dunked that ball with no effort. He made that dunk look easy. It looked like the rest of us dunking on an eight-foot rim. I’m going to come out and say that Dwight Howard is the most freakish athlete I’ve ever seen on a basketball court, LeBron included. Dwight was engineered in a lab. It’s the Dwight Howard show. Let’s see him dunk 15-feet.<br /><br />7:42 – <span style="font-weight: bold;">The Finals</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 102, 0);">Nate Dogg, first dunk –</span> Wow. That was a great dunk. It was really kind of a throwback in a lot of ways. Seems like we saw Spud do that dunk in ’86. Still impressive when a tiny guy jumps that high in the air.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Superman, first dunk –</span> GO HOME, NATE. Are you kidding me?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 102, 0);">Tiny Black Lex Luthor, second dunk –</span> Here is the actual conversation I had with my roommate Scott as Nate the Great was setting up:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> Wait, what’s he doing?<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Scott:</span> I don’t know.<br /><br />(Nate picks up a ball…)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> Is he…is he going to try to jump over Dwight Howard?<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Scott:</span> Oh my God.<br /><br />(Nate starts to run at the hoop…)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Me:</span> There’s no way. I mean, Dwight’s like six-foot-eleven…<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Scott:</span> Holy…<br /><br />(Nate takes off…)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Both <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">of</span> us, <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">now</span> standing:</span> AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />That’s a 50, ladies and gentlemen.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Son of Jor-El, second dunk –</span> See, here’s the problem. I really expected Dwight to take off from the top of the key. Was I crazy to expect this? I don’t think so. I think, based on what we’ve seen him do in the past, that a dunk from 19 feet away would have been perfectly reasonable. Unfortunately, we ended up with Dwight jumping from inside of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiXVIFuQnQM">Brent Barry's mark</a> and ruining the competition’s climax. Ah, well, what can you say? The guy’s a two-footed dunker, plain and simple. Come back next year, Dwight, and stick to what you know.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Final Thoughts</span><br /><br />Even though the first three events sucked hard, the dunk contest receives my endorsement. Yes, it ended with a whisper instead of a bang, but the important thing is this: legitimacy has been brought back to the dunk contest through Dwight Howard’s creativity. This is exemplified by LeBron’s tentative commitment to throw his hat into the ring next year. In years past, there was no motivation for a guy like LeBron to enter, right? It was a no-win situation for him. If he won, well, he was supposed to win. And if he lost, it would only hurt his street cred.<br /><br />But now, dear friends, we may be treated to the most competitive and exciting dunk contest since MJ vs. Dominique in Chicago. Dwight has set an important example for other superstars in the league, and my hope is that they follow in his footsteps. Personally, I’ve been waiting my whole life for a contest that rivals the intensity of the MJ/’Nique/Spud/Drex era. Wouldn’t you go nuts if next year we had Bron, Dwight, Nate, Vince, and Kobe in the same contest? Wouldn’t it be cool if the dunk contest actually proved who the best dunker in the league was? It used to do this. It can do this again. I know it can. Pray it happens.<br /><br />Stay tuned for the All-Star Game diary, maniacs.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2009 All-Star Game</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2/14/09</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">11:19 PM, PST</span></span><br /><br />Here it is folks, the big daddy of the weekend: the All-Star game itself. Now, will this be a double-overtime thriller like Jordan's last All-Star appearance in 2003? Or (more likely) will it be a 40-point raping like the West put on the East in 1992?<br /><br />Frankly, I'm going to have to go with the latter. The West's team is just....better. Like, alot better. Sure, the East has Lebron and Dwight Howard, but frankly the team is made up of first-option scorers, not distributors or defenders. This is surprisingly important in the All-Star game. I think having CP3 on the West surrounded by great scorers (Kobe, Amare, Duncan, Dirk, Gasol) is going to be waaaaay too much for the East to handle.<br /><br />Without further ado, TNT gives us...OH MY GOD THE COOLEST SHAQ DANCE SEQUENCE I'VE EVER SEEN. This is without a doubt the best thing that has happened yet at All-Star weekend.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/AyDqgg5bZfY&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/AyDqgg5bZfY&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><blockquote><br />Apparently that orgasmic dance experience with the Jabbawockeez has already created mini-Shaq/Jabbawockee offspring. And it is good.</blockquote><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4QMrBYrgKMEqRaZg0t5qewzRcnfneJnLiTnBxs4OhpmNC5T1lCZpNZ-rGYKsQAdJgLLulrJrqLm79cdPFamaPUGC2ZwYrr_ZrRIxl9FFEagKVKIFoe4SYRZ7ddZpfBO36EdRRNXis75U/s1600-h/swift.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 126px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4QMrBYrgKMEqRaZg0t5qewzRcnfneJnLiTnBxs4OhpmNC5T1lCZpNZ-rGYKsQAdJgLLulrJrqLm79cdPFamaPUGC2ZwYrr_ZrRIxl9FFEagKVKIFoe4SYRZ7ddZpfBO36EdRRNXis75U/s200/swift.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5303484914536978514" border="0" /></a>Sidenote: How cool would it be if there was an actual dance competition between NBA players? There is no doubt in my mind that there are a lot of guys out there that cut some fine rug. I'm looking at you, Robert Swift.<br /><br />Oh God, no, no, I'm making an effort NOT to look at you, Robert Swift. My mistake.<br /><br />AAAAAND we're off!<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">First Quarter:</span></span><br /><br />10:26 - AI caps off a 7-0 East run to start the game with a sweet ball fake and finish at the rack. Could I have been completely wrong in my prediction? Iverson has gotten a fair amount of internet flak over his starter spot which many feel he does not deserve. Now that I think about it I could see him exploding for 35 to silence the haters.<br /><br />7:50 - Hey, it's a giant Lebron James travel! See, that's what the All-Star game is all about: watching players do what they do best.<br /><br />6:58 - CP3 steals AI's pass and dishes to Kobe, who soars in for an undeniably sweet jam. Jesus, watching Chris Paul out there playing with guys who aren't the New Orleans Hornets terrifies me to no end. With a reliable finisher Paul puts up 15 assists a game.<br /><br />Uh-oh, it's Shaqtus time!<br /><br />And now Roy enters the game! I'm pumped to see him use that sneaky athleticism to surprise some folks. He flourishes in this game, for some reason.<br /><br />It's kind of odd to see two #7s running around on the same team out there. Maybe we should just kill or tragically cripple the other #7...oh, he happens the best player on the Denver Nuggets, the Blazers' division rivals who are currently in first place by 3.5 games? Ooops...<br /><br />Also, apparently B-Roy does have some animosity toward Billups. <a href="http://www.nba.com/video/channels/allstar/2009/02/14/nba_20090214_shaq_freethrows.nba/">Watch him sabotage Billups' blindfolded free throw record here.</a><br /><br />2:02 - Tony Parker tops off a 17-0 West run with a lay-in off the full-court no-look pass from the Big Chamberneezy. The run went something like this: Layup, layup, three-pointer, dunk, dunk, dunk, layup, dunk, layup. And still Marv Albert continues to rave about the great defensive intensity by both teams.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Second Quarter:</span></span><br /><br />10:55 - Roy almost loses the ball, but then spins to his right and finishes easily with a soft touch off the glass. Sexy. 38-27, West.<br /><br />A note to Craig Sager:<br /><br /><blockquote>Dear Mr. Sager,<br /><br />Please send me the $7500 required to surgically repair my eyes after I accidentally looked at your clothes. Enclosed is an envelope and postage.<br /><br />Your prompt response is appreciated.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />Striker</blockquote>7:52 - RayRay and Paul Pierce have quietly combined to score the East's last 14 points. Unfortunately, there are probably no two players that are less interesting to watch in an All-Star game. I mean, yes, watching PP use his size to drive to the right side and draw contact for the foul is very effective. It is also VERY BORING.<br /><br />Sidenote: Maybe I was wrong to make fun of Marv for praising the defense. While there is certainly no team defense (and you can't really expect there to be), players certainly seem to be hustling on the defensive side. But...maybe it's just so they can get a steal for an open dunk or oop on the other end. Either way, it's surprisingly competitive right now with the West leading, 48-47.<br /><br />3:19 - Chris Paul gets a defensive rebound, runs the length of the floor in about 1.3 seconds, and then finds Roy on the trailer for the two handed jam.<br /><br />2:29 - Dwight Howard gathers a Lebron miss, shuffles his feet, jumps up and down, performs the Hokie-Pokie and the Riverdance simultaneously, then banks it in off the glass. Now THAT'S how you travel.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Halftime:</span></span><br /><br />The West leads the East at half, 72-67. Mamba leads the West with 13 first half points. Roy had a nice quiet 8 points, but was mainly looking to distribute the rock, often passing just when it came to him.<br /><br />I've also been watching Roy look for lobs around the basket. He keeps setting up on the weak side, starting little spurts toward the hoop, and looking to the point guard for the lob. He hasn't got one yet, but he will. Oh, he will.<br /><br />Halftime notes:<br /><br />- The US Olympic gold medal team is receiving their rings at halftime. For <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3VkewR0Q_C7sYK0iMNWvvmjoyhVK7HAufIcZ6sQn8S5SoQwvnpYX4eSIuCXlrOd4WEMU_KscYM8aSB0uzUL0lUL8MGP91aMvRDE5GjpTDU1AbaQ9UjS32df8klp11nu5ot2cdr2hB3lo/s1600-h/eye+of+mordor.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 146px; height: 166px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3VkewR0Q_C7sYK0iMNWvvmjoyhVK7HAufIcZ6sQn8S5SoQwvnpYX4eSIuCXlrOd4WEMU_KscYM8aSB0uzUL0lUL8MGP91aMvRDE5GjpTDU1AbaQ9UjS32df8klp11nu5ot2cdr2hB3lo/s200/eye+of+mordor.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5303493400142783586" border="0" /></a>some reason, they have also brought various players from other national teams to share in the ceremony. Two things: 1) Why is Marc Gasol receiving some kind of honor? Rudy was much more important to that Spanish national team and he is obviously there this weekend. Damn you thrice, Mr. Toad!! 2) Those rings are UGLY. Why would I want the symbol of my Olympic accomplishment to be the color of the Eye of Mordor's pupil? I feel like it's sucking the life out of me through my TV screen.<br /><br />- Is it just me or does this incredibly over-produced, self-loving NBA Cares TV spot just reek of hypocrisy? Yes, the NBA does great things. Sure, players help kids and teach healthy habits and build houses. But shouldn't the gazillion dollars spent on producing this wildly intense ad which proclaims that the NBA is the greatest aid to mankind since the invention of penicillin instead be spent ON HELPING PEOPLE?!?! A radical concept, I know.<br /><br />- OBAMA!!!! OBAMA!!!! OBA...ok, that was just kinda awkward.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Third Quarter:</span></span><br /><br />11:21 - Yao drains a 10-foot hook shot, giving him his first points of the game! Thank God, he can now sit down and stop worrying about his gigantic yet tender footsies. I don't blame him; if I was 7 & 1/2 feet tall I would probably never stand up in the first place.<br /><br />7:30 - The East is just ice-cold. They've started the second half 4-11 from the field and are even missing free throws. Since the West is getting whatever they want inside, if they don't start hitting some shots this one is over. 84-74, West leads.<br /><br />6:20 - Kobe hits two threes in the span of a minute. I think he wants this MVP. Right now, it's all his.<br /><br />5:52 - Shaqtus time, baby!<br /><br />Talk about instant impact. Shaq hits a layup, two dunks, a baby hook, and another dunk (off a nice no-look pass from Roy), blowing this game wide open. Then he misses three out of four free throws. The Big Aristotle giveth, the Big Aristotle taketh away.<br /><br />Sidenote: I'm really surprised by the East. Not by the fact that they are losing handily, but by how <span style="font-style: italic;">boring</span> they are to watch out there. Lebron's not driving and throwing it off the backboard to himself, Dwight Howard isn't getting lobs 12 feet in the air, and the team in general couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. Booo.<br /><br />The third quarter ends, mercifully.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fourth Quarter:</span></span><br /><br />Good. God. I am so frustrated with the East right now. Here are their offensive plays for the first five minutes of the fourth:<br /><br />- Missed three.<br />- Missed 22-foot jumper.<br />- Made layup.<br />- Made jumper.<br />- Made 18-foot jumper.<br />- Missed three.<br />- Missed three.<br />- Made jumper.<br /><br />Does it get any more boring than that?<br /><br />Honestly? There's not much more to say. Kobe drained a few more shots, Lebron missed about 12 jumpers, the West expanded their lead. Most of the camera time was spent with Craig Sager walking around talking to various celebrities and players.<br /><br />The last minute of the game became a frenzied dunkfest. First Amare threw down a huge two-handed windmill. Then, off a turnover, Chris Paul finds Roy off the glass for a BOOM-shakalaka. It all culminates with Lebron waving everyone out of the way, tearing down the lane, tossing it high off the glass to himself, and PUNISHING the rim with two hands. Wow.<span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Post-game thoughts:</span></span><br /><br />Not a terrible game, not a great one. Shaq's performance, from his dance during the introductions to his 'megging of Dwight Howard on the give-and-go, was fantastic. Roy had nice game, with 14/5/5 and no turnovers. Interestingly, he played the most minutes of any player on the Western roster with 31! Either Phil Jackson is a great judge of talent and wanted to give Brandon his due or he is strategizing against the Blazers because he fears us!! Maybe it's both.<br /><br />In honor of Kobe and Shaq's shared MVP, I present you with this glorious music video (give it about 20 seconds, I swear it's worth it):<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zt67Ez8Gb18&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zt67Ez8Gb18&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Yes, folks, that is the iconic R&B group B2K. Yes, they are wearing not one, not two, but <span style="font-style: italic;">three </span>Mamba jerseys between the four of them! Sickening. I guess I have to give props to the one homie wearing the Shaq jersey...I guess.<br /><br />Pop Quiz! Which four of the following names are the actual group members of B2K?<br /><br />- Omarion<br />- Lil' Fizz<br />- Iz Boozle<br />- Raz-B<br />- Finquavius<br />- Big Janeezy<br />- J-Boog<br />- Eric<br /><br />No, I'm not going to tell you the answer. I'm making a point.<br /><br />On that note, that's it for All-Star weekend here at Kobestoppers! Stay tuned in the next few days for insightful analysis on whatever bigtime trades might be happening before the deadline. Also, we'll probably find some incredibly juvenile youtube videos!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-70131439376695198082009-02-12T10:21:00.000-08:002009-02-13T07:42:05.156-08:00Running Diary - Thunder at Blazers<span style="font-weight: bold;">2/11/09</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">7:00 PM, PST<br /><br /></span>No time to waste, maniacs. Sit down, strap in, and get ready for a very special episode of “So You Want to Rape and Murder an NBA Fan Base!”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Pre-game Thoughts:</span><br /><br />- I’ve decided that no matter how many years go by, the “Oklahoma City Thunder” will never sound right to me as a basketball fan. Doesn’t it feel like they’re some poorly-conceived, ragtag group of misfits from a sports movie? Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that the Charlestown Chiefs and the Miami Sharks are much better names for fake teams than the Oklahoma City Dead Rotting Sonics Corpses.<br /><br />- Speaking of Seattleites, there are a bunch of fans from the Save Our Sonics group at the Rose Garden this evening. In this vain, I’d like to directly address any Sonic fans who may be reading this: I think I speak for a lot of Blazermaniacs out there when I say that we were really looking forward to kicking the crap out you guys for the next ten years, and I’m sure you feel the same way about us. We have been robbed of our Northwest rivalry. The situation in which Sonic fans find themselves today is both unfair and cruel. Nobody should be happy about the assassination of an NBA team and its loyal fan base. So, in light of these terrible circumstances, we the people invite you to join the Blazer Nation. In the words of one of our most cherished past stars, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USAj3hCYfUY">“come own eeeen.”</a><br /><br />- The first meeting between these two teams did not end…favorably, let’s say, for our beloved Blazers. OK, let’s just cut the crap. We got embarrassed. There, I said it. For tonight, I expect us to come out with TONS of energy. If I know Nate like I think I know Nate (I don’t actually know Nate. Like, at all, even), he’s probably giving the youngsters Apollo’s “You remember what he DID to you last time, right?” speech from Rocky III right now. If I read Ben’s BE write-up and “Eye of the Tiger” wasn’t our warm-up music, I’m going to be furious.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">First Quarter</span><br /><br />7:12 – Brandon pops from eight feet out. Jeff Green is fouled by Greg and scores a sweeping lay-up after the fact. The six percent of my being that remembers Green is on my fantasy roster applauds wildly. The rest of me shakes its head in disgust.<br /><br />7:14 – Classic Mike Barrett after Kyle Weaver receives a pass following a Roy bucket: “Roy has been SCORCHING hot these last couple of weeks. Kyle Weaver…has not.”<br /><br />7:16 – LMA does his best “Super-Skinny Shaq” impression and JAMS the ball after he gathers two of his own misses around the basket. RAAAAARGHHH!!!!<br /><br />7:19 – Make an assessment!! Greg pins one up against the glass. Half the sportswriters in America instantaneously whip out their laptops and begin making comparisons to Mikan, Russell and Olajuwon.<br /><br />7:24 – Krstic flops and draws Greg’s second foul. Mike Rice on the referee’s questionable call: “See, all Europeans know how to flop in the NBA.” Doesn’t Mike Rice remind you of your slightly and unintentionally racist grandfather? I can’t get enough. I love this guy.<br /><br />7:25 – Seriously though, about that flop, I hope Pryz breaks that Serbian bastard’s kneecaps.<br /><br />7:28 – Quick note from the <a href="http://freedarko.blogspot.com/">Free Darko</a> book reading at Powell’s: turns out author Bethlehem Shoals hates Earl Watkins. You know who else really hates that little jerk?<br /><br />That’s right. Me, baby. Me.<br /><br />And that’s just one of the MANY things me and the Ol’ BethleHAMMER have in common. Yeah, we sort of chatted it up after the reading. We’re pretty much best friends now. But anyway, you guys totally shouldn’t be jealous. One NBA EXPERT talkin’ to another ain’t nothin’ to write home about – know what I mean? But yeah, we’re bros now. For reals.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 0, 153);">Edit: 2/12/09</span> <span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 0, 153);"><br />Hey guys, it’s Joe. As a preventative measure, I’d just like to say that Mike has never once spoken to Bethlehem Shoals. Not at the book reading. Not over the phone. Not when he camped outside Bethlehem’s hotel for a full 48 hours while he was in Portland. Bethlehem Shoals has no idea who Mike is, and he most likely never will, because Mike is a huge douche. Thank you.</span><br /><br />7:29 – “Like all Europeans, he knows how to shoot that outside shot.”<br /><br />OK, seriously, Ricey. You might want to dial it back a bit.<br /><br />7:31 – Travis has lost control of his shirttail, and I’m noticing that his jersey is enormous. It looks like he’s wearing one of Lisa Leslie’s sundresses or something. He JUST checked into the game! How is this possible?!<br /><br />7:32 – For some reason, Rice decides to speak in depth about his experiences with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnIy_NhcDFg">Mario Elie</a> and the World Basketball League, and Barrett uses the word “bugaboo.” This all happens within the span of about half a minute.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Second Quarter</span><br /><br />7:35 – Aflac Random Stab: Who is the oldest player in NBA history? Ummm… Dave Corzine? Swen Nater? Dikembe? Greg???<br /><br />7:43 – The Blazerdancers perform a cute little number to “I Want Candy” while wearing catholic schoolgirl outfits.<br /><br />The NBA: It’s FAAAAANNNNNTASSSTIC!!!!!!!<br /><br />7:57 – Isn’t Scotty Brooks doing a great job replacing P.J. Carlesimo? Of course, that’s a lot like saying that he’s doing a great job replacing Fidel Castro. You know, if Castro were a woefully incompetent basketball coach instead of a merciless dictator. 42-42 with three minutes to go in the half.<br /><br />8:00 – Joe has just sent me a text. It reads: “Damn officials and their vendetta against Old Greg. And just cause they’re jealous of his sweet ’do.” Brilliant analysis, Green Pants.<br /><br />8:08 – The Blaze end the half on a 9-0 run, capped by a Przybilla rejection that leads to a last-second ALIENSLAM in transition. That’s how you do it, fellas.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Halftime Thoughts</span><br /><br />- Our bigs have to be more consistent. We should be blowing these guys out in rebounding and points in the paint.<br /><br />- Eliminate the stupid mistakes. I’ve counted several turnovers and mishaps that were directly linked to lack of concentration. Shore up and focus, guys.<br /><br />- We had one possession in the first half in which we moved the ball on offense. On that possession, we hit a wide-open three. I demand to see more of this.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Third Quarter</span><br /><br />8:28 – I’M OLD GREGGGGGG!!!! Off to a good start.<br /><br />8:34 – LaMarcus picks up his fourth foul while standing four feet away from the shooter. Tremendous call.<br /><br />8:43 – Rice says that Greg is dominating the Thunder’s “skinny” lineup. Great success!<br /><br />8:46 – Greg swats a Jeff Green dunk attempt, leading to J-Bay issuing a formal complaint with the NBA Dunk Competition Committee. I’m a little rusty at lip reading, but I think right after he threw that one down he said something like, “how you like me NOW, b----?!” Gotta love Portland’s resident Velociraptor.<br /><br />8:50 – Russell Westbrook is killing us on the boards. He has FIVE offensive rebounds. Put. A body. On that man.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fourth Quarter</span><br /><br />8:55 – Travis air balls a classic “Travis Outlaw Neck-Breaker Face-Crusher Fall-Away 20-Footer.” I swear to God. That guy is actually going to give me a heart attack one of these days. For those of you who care, I want my tombstone to read:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v318/191/20/11508235/n11508235_35696472_4953.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 332px;" src="http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v318/191/20/11508235/n11508235_35696472_4953.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Mike "Blade" Whitman</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">1985-2009</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Smoker of Cigarettes, Defender of Justice, Stopper of Kobe.</span><br /></div><br />8:59 – Bayless (?!) to Rudy on the alley-oop nearly seals the deal, but Rudy is fouled and can’t finish the jam.<br /><br />9:00 – It’s 89-76, Blazers after an Outlaw three. It’s almost Brandon Roy time.<br /><br />9:01 – Aflac answer: Nat Hickey, age 46. His last season was 1947-1948. How did I not get that? Oh, that’s right. It’s because they were still playing with a f---ing PEACH BASKET at that point.<br /><br />9:02 – Exciting news, friends. It would seem that the random Rebecca Haarlow creeper who found his way to this site by searching Google for “Rebecca Harlow Nudes” is actually attending the game tonight, and seems to have plans to lure the lovely Rebecca into his web of seduction through the use of a Valentine’s Day sign made of cheap, red construction paper. Hey, I’ve heard worse plans.<br /><br />9:08 – Speaking of romance, by now you must all realize that I don’t exactly…how can I put this…go on “dates” with “girls.” But if I did, I’m not sure I’d take her out for a spicy enchilada plate at Taco Bell. Actually, that seems like the worst idea since <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJRDzs5GO2Y">this guy</a> called into the Jim Rome radio show.<br /><br />9:10 – Hmmm. Seems we’ve been on a 16-2 run while I was, um, listening to that conversation about…sweatpants. And we did it without Roy on the floor. Way to go, guys. You earned this one.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Final Score</span>:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Blazers 106</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153); font-weight: bold;">Thunder 92</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Final Thought</span><br /><br />This was a huge game tonight for Greg. It was important that he make a statement tonight, and that’s exactly what he did. Check these numbers: 16/10 with 3 blocks. As impressive as those stats are, what they don’t show is that he affected the game on both ends of the floor by doing the little things. He tipped rebounds to his teammates too many times to count tonight, giving us a bunch of extra possessions. He moved his feet. He set some good picks. As much as I hate to buy into the Oden/Durant deathmatch hype, I’ve got call it like I see it. And how I see it is all tied up at one game apiece.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-90063932380423030122009-02-06T15:18:00.000-08:002009-02-06T16:04:14.206-08:00Joe Knows – 2/6/09It’s that time again, folks. No, not Mike’s monthly bath, it’s the latest edition of Joe Knows! So sit yourself down, strap yourself in, shut yourself up, and get ready for Joe to drop some nuggets of NBA knowledge on ya:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br />1) Injuries</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEmp7ZVvxzLw7zV1Ge7AqdYLloyaNuaEhDrOMjPq6MKjLL346wD639fFzoeh2uC0RdsdUTPF0lhO_Btr-pvTTbpQ2ZbvcZVdyLOJucCJEgp9iDQYzc59FrqRbx2b50_OmrrbyeXiGVtv8/s1600-h/bynum+fouls+GW.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 247px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEmp7ZVvxzLw7zV1Ge7AqdYLloyaNuaEhDrOMjPq6MKjLL346wD639fFzoeh2uC0RdsdUTPF0lhO_Btr-pvTTbpQ2ZbvcZVdyLOJucCJEgp9iDQYzc59FrqRbx2b50_OmrrbyeXiGVtv8/s320/bynum+fouls+GW.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299830024997060386" border="0" /></a>This week in the NBA has seen a flurry of injuries to important players. As we discussed last week, it started with Olowakandrew Vagynum <a href="http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5160687959094960616">going all Tony Jaa</a> on Gerald Wallace, resulting in a collapsed lung.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbXZtJUp7xLRGC2Q0iasjWqnDmm1xZyAddV5TacEZ25zvvXlhsoiO0vOYZth3iPFgw0vFP423Dnal0kMmmzV1f4IDRkC8ML3Dm3TBMeesJ1vN2YOVCk1Mf3NIe1yXjPxevTwoOalBOFPw/s1600-h/bynum+pain.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbXZtJUp7xLRGC2Q0iasjWqnDmm1xZyAddV5TacEZ25zvvXlhsoiO0vOYZth3iPFgw0vFP423Dnal0kMmmzV1f4IDRkC8ML3Dm3TBMeesJ1vN2YOVCk1Mf3NIe1yXjPxevTwoOalBOFPw/s320/bynum+pain.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299830241755638434" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Ironically, the next big name to fall was Bynum himself (sidenote: if he had been suspended a game for his foul on Crash this wouldn’t have happened. There, I mentioned it. Now shut up about karma for a while). The Next Great Non-Injury Prone Center’s MCL snapped like a dry twig when his left leg (different knee) was plowed into by none other than Mamba himself. Obviously, Kobe was the attention-starved 8-year-old big sister to Bynum’s newborn baby boy and (s)he got a little jealous. (On an unrelated note, Kobe scored 61 in his next game. Also, he bought a pair of pink sweatpants that say “hottie” across the butt).<br /><br />Next to go were the point guards: Jameer Nelson and Chris Paul. Most of you maniacs out there probably saw CP3 pull up limping on a drive in the 3rd quarter of the Blazers-Hornets game on Monday. You probably also saw the Hornets 20-point lead disappear in about 2.78 seconds.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOPYrH9CqZo1nNHY8XypnCCYbAZmFUTKYAtHFq8O4dZanzpj5gy0lhK2kXeETqavzIaBBXBdXf0Hkra6B8wRzJrSnMq39sbRX5JiCsVxKeqSFnQIBAx8Xz_GQzwmMv7RdEQgEUyiUphqs/s1600-h/game+flow+hornets+blazers.bmp"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 246px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOPYrH9CqZo1nNHY8XypnCCYbAZmFUTKYAtHFq8O4dZanzpj5gy0lhK2kXeETqavzIaBBXBdXf0Hkra6B8wRzJrSnMq39sbRX5JiCsVxKeqSFnQIBAx8Xz_GQzwmMv7RdEQgEUyiUphqs/s400/game+flow+hornets+blazers.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299829625828983522" border="0" /></a><blockquote>Look at that fourth quarter. I guess that without Chris Paul, the Hornets aren't fluent in 6 billion forms of communication OR any good at basketball.<br /></blockquote><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitMS19JUuHfdhMa-css_Fw5lQ-OJYODHN7zTQQBz9p0oxPnwVCXF50kGgmILxZ59ENjBGjRXXmHmBFH4fYT8YurUvf6YcEDVKb-XisQHexFLmM41KqMmgI7rwL_lZzL1Z5hAhOK__1ni8/s1600-h/cp3+injury.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 154px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitMS19JUuHfdhMa-css_Fw5lQ-OJYODHN7zTQQBz9p0oxPnwVCXF50kGgmILxZ59ENjBGjRXXmHmBFH4fYT8YurUvf6YcEDVKb-XisQHexFLmM41KqMmgI7rwL_lZzL1Z5hAhOK__1ni8/s320/cp3+injury.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299833231895272802" border="0" /></a><br />With all the debates about how to define the league’s MVP, we can make it easier by creating a new category I like to call WTWBP (worst team without best player). After watching the last quarters of Monday’s game (and after the Bulls made the CP3-less Hornets <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHO116nzdWw">look like these guys</a>) it became clear that the Hornets grabbed the WTWBP title from the Cavs and haven’t looked back. Congratulations, New Orleans!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRAogCtpjOW1zH3HPtgasotCIafUcXCHVlrrokj9VWHqf1EOsJZJDCqOheXruCYU74dU3tVQURUoyToHQ0qt2aBeCp_-uwADdhSYuG0inRuWLRBdEP_BMz4rEMzQZr9ljxhVU189cFbOA/s1600-h/jameer+comfort.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 227px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRAogCtpjOW1zH3HPtgasotCIafUcXCHVlrrokj9VWHqf1EOsJZJDCqOheXruCYU74dU3tVQURUoyToHQ0qt2aBeCp_-uwADdhSYuG0inRuWLRBdEP_BMz4rEMzQZr9ljxhVU189cFbOA/s320/jameer+comfort.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299834181015403506" border="0" /></a>While Chris Paul’s injury won’t keep him out past the all-star break, the Magic are in a much tougher bind after JN14 was injured during Orlando’s 105-95 loss to Dallas. The latest reports are that Jameer has a torn labrum in his right shoulder. He now has the choice between rehabbing it in an attempt to come back this season or opting for season-ending shoulder surgery. Nelson’s ball-handling and three-point accuracy have been HUGE in creating opportunities for Turkoglu, Lewis, and Howard.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />The notion of the Sixers being better without Elton Brand in the lineup has quickly turned from interesting but laughable to scarily accurate. Luckily for them, he’s having season-ending shoulder surgery. Hooray!<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2) Oden vs. Durant I</span></span><br /><br />Tonight’s game features the first matchup between players who don’t play the same position and are at different stages of development yet happened to be picked 1-2 in the 2007 draft!!!!! A SHOWDOWN, to say the least.<br /><br />Seriously though, it should be fun to watch these guys on the floor at the same time, especially if Greg smashes everything in his path. Not much more to say here, but John Hollinger wrote a great breakdown <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/columns/story?columnist=hollinger_john&page=PERDiem-090206">so I’ll just refer you here.</a><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">3) Knick fans: Repent!</span></span><br /><br />“A funny thing happened to me at Madison Square Garden the other day. I watched my team get torched by an opposing team’s superstar. And I cheered for him. Then it happened again. And I cheered again.”<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBaRI6hTEavC7BfyQbrnBUc1G58bxgxpyboG5eT4TUWxneuWl-dmIDZpd5YSFHERqv3iEchGfX853G9Wgr4R7LIxFpUZtlDb6DXLQajNNyqwqKsJEStHVrBoEeTwF78wzXO6iePMFrJb0/s1600-h/kobe+cheer.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBaRI6hTEavC7BfyQbrnBUc1G58bxgxpyboG5eT4TUWxneuWl-dmIDZpd5YSFHERqv3iEchGfX853G9Wgr4R7LIxFpUZtlDb6DXLQajNNyqwqKsJEStHVrBoEeTwF78wzXO6iePMFrJb0/s320/kobe+cheer.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299838173981680146" border="0" /></a>Lost in the madness of Kobe and LBJ’s wild nights in New York was the disgusting acceptance of the Knicks’ getting whooped on consecutive nights at home. Now, this is nothing against the Knicks players who clearly tried (we’ve already been over my man-crush on Nate Robinson, so I won’t go into that). Rather, I am calling out Knick fans, who appear to take great pleasure in watching other teams’ players break records in MSG, and Mike D’Antoni, who flippantly dismissed the losses as if it was acceptable to give up 61 and 52 in consecutive games. In fact, D'Antoni was recently quoted <a href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/basketball/nba/wires/02/06/2030.ap.bkn.nba.notes.adv07.1270/">here</a> as saying "Plus, Knicks fans only get to see him once a season." Jesus Christ, D'Antoni, are you a fan or the head coach of an NBA team?<br /><br />All I know is, even in the Blazers’ darkest days, I’d probably jump from the highest rafter in the Rose Garden if I heard a significant number of people cheering for a player on the opposite team. It makes me sick.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD4chrQpjX4jFuqI5JPrsTcDlOiCbaIg0k2hFYU2JNAmfa_NcqHU_Hb-8GiEz8E62Cn3jTNT6-OqlJlkAGGwwGDsJUgZWChvboYCLEukSuvbmchW5S_cYikIZZS18ZYFjjdr1GhVKiBrg/s1600-h/lebron+new+york.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 238px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD4chrQpjX4jFuqI5JPrsTcDlOiCbaIg0k2hFYU2JNAmfa_NcqHU_Hb-8GiEz8E62Cn3jTNT6-OqlJlkAGGwwGDsJUgZWChvboYCLEukSuvbmchW5S_cYikIZZS18ZYFjjdr1GhVKiBrg/s320/lebron+new+york.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299838277537579394" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Nate, give them a stern talking to.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4) Blogfest at Powell's</span></span><br /><br />Don’t forget folks, your very own Kobestoppers will be present at Powell’s books in Portland on Monday at 7:30! Be there!Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11801017069511981755noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-8091898055750465172009-02-04T04:28:00.000-08:002009-02-04T07:01:59.286-08:00Links! Basketball Links!What's crackin', maniacs? Hope you've all come down off that cloud after that tasty comeback victory in N'awlins, cause we've got business to attend to.<br /><br />I guess a more apt title for today's post would be "Links, Videos and Random Thoughts," but since we don't have a section for that, you're just going to have to ignore this glaring continuity error.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Link:</span> <a href="http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Kobe_Bryant">Totally factual information regarding one Black Mamba.</a><br /><br />I've been laughing at this for three straight days. Join me, won't you?<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Random Thought: </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Is Peja Stojakovic the greasiest man in the NBA?<br /><br />I feel like he's got to be the </span></span>odds-on favorite, doesn't he? Seriously, who else is even close? Manu? <a href="http://www.espn.go.com/photo/2006/1204/nba_g_dailydime_268.jpg">Oh Boy Oberto?</a> Luis Scola? I still say Peja's greasier than the three of them put together. He's at the top of his game right now.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">Video</span></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">:</span><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/oYqCVO4ZMcM&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/oYqCVO4ZMcM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br />It's just a little something I cooked up last year. Yes, it's an original song. Yes, the machines are already assembling, and we need to thi...What? Oh, don't give me that look!! This is TOO basketball related! Look at me reppin' my Drex jersey. Plus my beanie. Plus...OK, OK, fine, it's a cheap plug. Sue me.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Random Thought:<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"> </span></span><span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Michael Holton's <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vinnie_Johnson">Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson</a> reference during the Hornets game might be my favorite thing that's ever come out of his mouth. Beautiful, Michael.</span></span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Link: </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FlFwFrMu0w&feature=related">An instant classic from '92.</a><br /><br />This is one of my all-time favorite games. Those of you with decent memories will recall how this fourth quarter ends. I won't spoil it for those of you in the dark. Just watch it. Trust me. Oh, and make sure you click that little "watch in high quality" button. Makes a huge difference. Anyway, without further ado, take it away, Marv and Czar!<br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FlFwFrMu0w&feature=related"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"></span></span></a><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FlFwFrMu0w&feature=related"><span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"></span></span></a><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Random Thought: </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">I love Mike Rice. And Mike Barrett. But mainly, Mike Rice.<br /><br />Did anybody else catch Mike Rice being especially senile during the Hornets game? He mistook that canned, Nature Boy Flair <a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=_YsSw6TNzC0">"Wooooo!"</a> that the audio guy plays after a free throw for the Hornets floor announcer arrogantly making "cat calls" at our team to rub in the big lead. I love you, Mike Rice.</span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><br /></span><br />Also, during the Superbowl I was thinking, man, I really wish the Mikes were watching this game with me right now. You think it would be weird for Barrett to just sit there and watch the game? I bet he couldn't restrain himself from calling the action. While everybody else was just screaming wildly during the <a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=woGWpLHMNGs&feature=related">Santonio Holmes Show</a>, I bet you Barrett would have busted out a mighty fine "Roethlisberger in the pocket! Looking, looking... rifles one deep to the corner of the endzone!!!! CAUGHT by Santonio HOLMES!!!!!!!"<br /><br />Only in dreams, dear friends. Only in dreams.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Link:</span> And finally, <a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rls=com.microsoft%3A*%3AIE-Address&rlz=1I7DKUS&q=mr%20potato%20head%20wearing%20a%20blazers%20jersey">another sorely disappointed websoldier</a> has apparently made his way to Kobestoppers. Apologies, my good sir, but that is not what we do here. You're looking for the <a href="http://images.smarter.com/blogs/Mr%20Potato%20Head%20San%20Francisco%20Giants.jpg">Mr. Potato Head Wearing Pro Sports Jerseys Store.</a> It's just down the street.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-19056544780087896352009-02-01T04:47:00.000-08:002009-02-02T08:01:54.154-08:00Quick Update: Jazz at BlazersYo maniacs. For those of you out of the loop, you'll be happy to know that I was able to come down off my NBA EXPERT throne and mingle with the plebes tonight in the Garden of Roses courtesy of my surrogate big brother Andrew buying reserve tickets many months ago. Great game. Great experience. I love our team.<br /><br />Before we made the trek to the arena, however, we decided to take a little Basketball 101 refresher course, courtesy of a local North Portland community center.<br /><br />I'm not ashamed (okay, so I'm a little ashamed...) to say that after approximately four minutes of full-court play, I felt like I was going to puke up my liver right there on the court. Remind me to never, EVER do something that stupid again.<br /><br />One amusing side note: Being from little old southern Oregon, I rarely, if ever, am afforded the opportunity to play basketball against somebody who isn't white. When I walked into that gym and noticed that Andrew and I were the only two white dudes in there, for some reason, the first thing that popped into my head was that RIDICULOUS basketball scene in "American History X."<br /><br />I'm still laughing to myself about that one. Oh, and in case you were wondering, neither of the games I played in ended with the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbLIw4DBzHo">phoniest-looking dunk in the histor</a><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbLIw4DBzHo">y of hum</a><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbLIw4DBzHo">ankind.</a> Seriously, how could they think we wouldn't notice that Ed Norton sucks at basketball? He's awful. He's got one move: that cartoony, behind-the-back, scooper-duper lay-in. <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.contactmusic.com/dn/edward+norton_855_18381889_0_0_7000779_300.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 174px; height: 174px;" src="http://images.contactmusic.com/dn/edward+norton_855_18381889_0_0_7000779_300.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>I'm sorry, I know it's a movie, but I refuse to believe that little old ED NORTON is going to walk onto a Venice Beach court, ICE COLD OFF THE BENCH, and take over the game like that. Never in a million years. Never happening.<br /><br />Hmmm, this is sort of inspiring me to do a "most implausible sports scenes" list. Well, something for all seven of you readers to look forward to, huh?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Random thoughts from the 300 level:</span><br /><br />- As soon as I found my seat, the jumbotron erupted with a familiar sound: "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. As my eyes darted to the unavoidably large monitor above the playing surface, I was thrilled to find a slick highlight of Brandon mesmerizing all in attendance. Naturally, my knee-jerk reaction was to jolt toward the beautiful orgy of sounds and colors. Andrew, you will never know how close I came to spilling your beer all over your crotch and crotch-related body parts.<br /><br />- For some reason, the powers at be allowed one of the <a href="http://www.nba.com/blazers/fans/2009blazerdancers.html">Blazerdancers</a> to sing the national anthem tonight. Nothing personal, Ione (pronounced Eye-Own-E, apparently), but don't quit your day job. By the way, is it really necessary to have cheerleaders at pro sporting events? Do we really need T&A EVERYWHERE AT ALL TIMES?<br /><br />Look, I watch basketball to watch basketball. I watch fights to watch fights. If I want to watch attractive young women shake that groove thang, I'll head to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaNJMufyZ4Q">the Bada Bing</a>, OK?<br /><br />But it's not just the scantily clad ladies that cheapen the experience. It's the jumbotron, too (cool Roy HL notwithstanding). And it's the stupid contests that fans are made to watch during every single timeout. Example:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.dragonbouncycastles.com/SumoTall.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 171px; height: 196px;" src="http://www.dragonbouncycastles.com/SumoTall.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Between the first and second quarters tonight, we had to suffer through four jackasses in sumo suits living out their Superbowl fantasies with Blaze as all-time QB. In case you're curious, the jackasses representing Arizona won on a miraculous last-second touchdown pass. Oh, what's that? You couldn't care less about that stupid crap? You simply wanted to watch your team without having your intelligence insulted? Well, bad news, friends. The time of spending timeouts talking about the actual BASKETBALL GAME you're attending is long gone. Shame on you, NBA, for treating your fans like eight-year-olds in a Toys 'R' Us.<br /><br />- OK, never mind, NBA. I get it, now. I understand why you do put on these ridiculous spectacles during the game.<br /><br />Case in point: the jerk sitting behind me. I'm 100 percent positive that he is the biggest douche bag of the modern era. Yes, he even beats out <a href="http://www.holytaco.com/2008/06/27/the-douchiest-phone-message-in-history">Dmitri.</a> Seriously, this guy sounded like he was about to wet himself when they started launching free T-shirts into the crowd.<br /><br />But that's not all, my friends. Oh, no. The good Lord decided he was going to bless us even further by taking one of DoucheAss McBallsFace's ribs and creating THE DUMBEST WOMAN OF ALL TIME. Turns out DoucheAss is one of those guys who follows a team JUST enough so that he can feel superior to somebody who doesn't follow sports at all. Or, in this particular instance, so that he can show off his deep understanding of the game by naming most everybody on our roster to some <a href="http://www.tvsquad.com/images/2005/11/jasonbateman_charlizetheron_arresteddevelopment_240.jpg">Mentally Retarded Female</a><a href="http://www.tvsquad.com/images/2005/11/jasonbateman_charlizetheron_arresteddevelopment_240.jpg">.</a><br /><br />I about lost it when I heard the MRF say (and this is a direct quote), "Ohhh, they have TWO guys from Spain??? NEAT!" Naturally, Douchey Howser, M.D. had something smart to say about the eclecticism of our talent pool, and naturally, Ugly Paris Hilton back there was like, SOOOOOOO impressed. It took all of my self-control to resist taking a swing at these two. They made <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz2pLXKmiV4">Donnie and Marie</a> look like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9ILLhr4oNw">Will and Amy.</a><br /><br />Oh, and did I mention that after being invited to a most attractive young lady's apartment after the game, I somehow managed to crap the bed (figuratively, you smartasses) and screw the whole thing up?<br /><br />I should probably just start smoking again.<br /><br />- Up until the second quarter, I thought I had another jerk on my hands, this time sitting to my left. He opened the game by saying how Sergio was going to get "abused" by Deron Williams all night. I decided that such insolence would not stand and immediately delivered an impassioned speech about how much I love Sergio.<br /><br />Yes, I love Sergio more than Bayless. Just--I DON'T WANT TO HERE IT RIGHT NOW, OKAY???? IT'S BEEN A LONG FREAKING NIGHT. I'll tell you about it later. Just...shut up for a second.<br /><br />Anyway, as I was saying, dude starts hating on my man Serge just as they jump it up. First play of the game, Sergio nabs a steal. Next possession, he scores a quick two off some beautiful penetration into the lane. I emphasized my delight regarding both plays by screaming "YOU KNOW <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbiZ7xYq8xE">SERGIO</a>?!!!" as loud as humanly possible in the direction of this naysayer. Though he wasn't wearing any Jazz gear, at that point I was fairly certain he was a BYU alum incognito.<br /><br />Turns out, he was actually a pretty cool guy. He was just nervous because he had money on the game. The Blazers were giving 9 1/2 points to the road-weary Jazz, and I asked which way he bet. At first, he told me he was taking the points, to which I replied, "shame on you." Realizing his error, he quickly corrected himself and informed me that he was a Blazers fan and was in fact laying the points. He thought Sergio was too carefree with the ball and felt much more comfortable with Bayless running the point. Although I disagreed with his assessment, we gained each other's respect and went on to enjoy the game together as fellow maniacs, rooting not only for a victory, but also for a win by at least 10 points so homie would get paid.<br /><br />Actually, I would say that this guy had a gambling problem if he wasn't so freaking good at it. Here's his betting record (at least, as much of it as we talked about):<br /><br />1) He bet Pittsburgh to win the AFC at the beginning of the season at 5:1. Cha-ching.<br /><br />Using those winnings, he made these bets and won all three:<br /><br />2) Blazers to beat the spread vs. Jazz (Obviously we know what happened there)<br /><br />3) Washington to cover against favorite ASU (UW won outright)<br /><br />4) University of Portland to cover against #18 St. Mary's (UP won outright thanks to St. Mary's losing its best player the night before against Gonzaga.)<br /><br />So, basically, this dude is a machine right now. I was THIS CLOSE to asking for his phone number so I could get his expert picks every week.<br /><br />I mean, not that I, an NBA EXPERT in my own right, would actually even need any help in picking winners or anything. I just, thought, you know, it'd be fun to, um, compare notes, and... shut up.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Halftime highlights: </span><br /><br />- Some jackass threw up a one-handed Hail Mary from half court to win a pickup. You can guess how that ended.<br /><br />- Some high school cheerleaders were going to do a dance or something, but me and Andrew decided that making an exit to pay six bucks for a soda pop was a much, much better option than sitting through that s---. So, um, there you go. Halftime! Wooooo!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Random game-related highlights:</span><br /><br />- Dick Bavetta is even more hilarious in person than he is on TV. Given two adjectives to describe Ol' ShrivelPuss, I would choose "demonstrative" and "lively."<br /><br />- David Banner was at the game. So, you know...holla. Is that what the kids are saying nowadays? It changes so fast.<br /><br />- Every time we gave the ball to Travis in isolation in the second half, my bud Andrew looked liked his jugular might explode from the sheer stress. His take on this particular offensive strategy: "God, man. It's like a heart attack on a plate." Whatever that means, I don't think it's good.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.weeklyreader.com/readandwriting/content/binary/chalupa.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 250px; height: 172px;" src="http://www.weeklyreader.com/readandwriting/content/binary/chalupa.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />- We as a fan base care FAR too much about receiving free Chalupa coupons. I swear, we were sitting on 98 points for about four possessions, mostly due to the incessant chanting of CHA-LU-PAS! CHA-LU-PAS! It's just a damned flat-bread taco, people. Get over it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Best moment of the night:</span><br /><br />This one is a tie. Both moments were equally entertaining.<br /><br />1) As a joke, the director threw up a shot of Brevin Knight and Matt Harpring on the jumbotron Kiss Cam. Fighting through his hearty chuckles, Brevin reached over and planted one on the temple of an oblivious Harpring. Both of these guys get style points in my book for being good sports, especially Brevin. It's fun to see guys in pro sports who don't take themselves serious enough to be offended by a harmless practical joke. Well done, guys.<br /><br />2) Two smoking hot ladies in the crowd were holding up a sign featuring Rudy's face pasted onto a robed, duel lightsaber-wielding badass with text reading "Rudy is a Jedi."<br /><br />I'll give you guys a second to let that sink in.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Final non-Blazer thoughts from a tremendous sports weekend:</span><br /><br />- What. A. Superbowl.<br /><br />It's a shame that Ol' Graybeard couldn't get it done. But what can I say? Real life sucks.<br /><br />Larry Fitzgerald, you're a man. Respect.<br /><br />Santonio Holmes, that was one of the greatest catches I've ever seen. Pro ball, college ball, my back yard, anywhere. You should have that ball bronzed, brother.<br /><br />I still hate "Ben."<br /><br />I wish my 49ers were better.<br /><br />- Rafael Nadal is a freak.<br /><br />If you didn't watch that five-set, Nadal/Federer Aussie Open final at 4am like I did, you missed out, fool. Rafa's going to win at least three more consecutive French Opens and at least one of the other majors in each of those years. I'm sure he'll get at least one US Open, making him the first man to win the Slam since Andre (I think). The only question about this guy is how long can he endure the punishment his style of play inflicts on his body. Time will tell, but in my opinion, Nadal's biggest competition from here on out is Father Time (no disrespect to Fed).<br /><br />Did I mention that I'm basically nocturnal now?<br /><br />- Georges St. Pierre is another freak.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://mmaexperts.net/gsp.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 151px; height: 228px;" src="http://mmaexperts.net/gsp.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Honestly, GSP has exceeded all my expectations. When he beat Matt Hughes in their rematch, I said that he'd hold on to that title for as long as he wanted to keep fighting. A mental lapse against heavy underdog Matt Serra cost him his title and stamped him with the unfair and inaccurate label of "mentally weak."<br /><br />After watching what he did to current lightweight and former welterweight king BJ Penn at UFC 94 this Saturday, I don't know if we'll ever see GSP lose again. My prediction for the next year: he'll take Thiago Alves down and either TKO or submit him. Then he'll move up to 185 and have a superfight with my boy, middleweight champion Anderson Silva. He'll take Anderson down and grind out a five-round decision, much to my chagrin. After that? Who knows. But I don't see anybody at 170 or 185 touching GSP until he either A) gets old or B) gets injured.<br /><br />Well, that's it, maniacs. I'm out of here. Get geared up to take some names in the Big Easy.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-31161925995772274562009-01-29T12:01:00.000-08:002009-01-29T16:57:04.521-08:00Joe KnowsHola, amigos, and welcome back to another edition of Joe Knows. We have a slate of things to discuss today, so let's get started with:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br />1) Mike Rice is amazing and I love him.</span><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf459zXFCkF6CDpzvurWH9cBcYT2vxRUX6wllno7xnT29B96wJImvtii9kL_bMS046Mf2f0rjM0qwDBkH5GHjXOdLRUtK-4hzBlbq5IOKxvASWFsMY8wUoDanWm_IdQzVtJam5-Hs1t7g/s1600-h/mike+rice.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 92px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf459zXFCkF6CDpzvurWH9cBcYT2vxRUX6wllno7xnT29B96wJImvtii9kL_bMS046Mf2f0rjM0qwDBkH5GHjXOdLRUtK-4hzBlbq5IOKxvASWFsMY8wUoDanWm_IdQzVtJam5-Hs1t7g/s400/mike+rice.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296837170477728626" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />During last night's game against the Bobcats, the Ol' Rice Paddy pulled out this gem in the first quarter:<br /><blockquote><strong>Mike Barrett:</strong> "That's Adam Morrison's second foul and he'll be headed to the bench."<br /><br /><strong>Mike Rice:</strong> "And that's bad news for the Blazers. If you're a Blazer, you want Adam Morrison out there on the court."</blockquote>Harsh. If the fans in the Rose Garden could hear him, I like to think they would have started a slow clap for him as this statement sunk in. Also, I almost feel bad for pointing this out because I'm afraid some narc might change it, but <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Rice_%28Basketball_Announcer%29">Mikey's wikipedia page</a> features this tidbit added by someone very, very wise:<br /><br /><blockquote style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">"Rice is known as a red-faced and jolly family man, who enjoys drinking Bombay Sapphire tonics and really any gin and tonic for that matter or whiskey regardless of label, during halftime breaks or in between full time-outs."</blockquote>I knew it! In my dreams Mike Rice always smells like Christmas trees...um...<br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >2) Midseason Awards</span><br /><br />Yes, yes, I know you're tired of reading every moron's opinion on who is the MVP, ROY, COY, etc etc. That's why here at Kobestoppers we're doing it a little differently.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">MVP (Most Vicious Punking):</span><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZsMAAWQoepg&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZsMAAWQoepg&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />You know we're a bit biased here, this just happened on Monday, we already discussed it heavily, and it's Cheikh Samb, but still. Nasty.<br /><br />Honorable mention: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2pf6-ODd8Q">D-Wade over Okafor,</a><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1gTyddc_B4"> </a><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1gTyddc_B4"> Lebron over Deng</a><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">ROY (Rabidly Overhyped of the Year)</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUtMjZH4Va6aoE8NFr2Gq229jjhQn3OGmjShVbSc93rMhNouMUHb8-T9nDA_UEQIJI65pFSimdbh04Q3aUnWN_0If3_YX4oCFbqMPrG8Clc81Kl7OYsEcCFgt1C8c_NDboxiTHrlkQAqw/s1600-h/jr+smith.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 360px; height: 264px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUtMjZH4Va6aoE8NFr2Gq229jjhQn3OGmjShVbSc93rMhNouMUHb8-T9nDA_UEQIJI65pFSimdbh04Q3aUnWN_0If3_YX4oCFbqMPrG8Clc81Kl7OYsEcCFgt1C8c_NDboxiTHrlkQAqw/s400/jr+smith.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296858966666357202" border="0" /></a><br />Maybe I just hate JR Smith, but between his cocky-ass attitude, his horribly disgusting 'stache, and the huge amount of "Most Improved Player" hype surrounding him at the beginning of the year, I have been wildly unimpressed by this volume shooter's play this season.<br /><br />Also, JR, it's called "defense." It's a concept wherein, in addition attempting to score the basketball yourself (called "offense," but you know that) you attempt to prevent the other team from scoring. It's sweeping the league.<br /><br />Honorable mention: Ron Artest, The entire Clippers roster<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">COY (Creeper of the Year):<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSPVRhgvccO6ynpaQSYUq2dkOuhHV9sKP_rSnO0E7hgCpL9Jd4M60fc443M2fvMXOBUmjb_m5vheOsfzCpGz6CVqV5SrnLyk9DuZIMwN-M0U6FXqE3uF1VYfSEEA7edhxMG-SPapLImtQ/s1600-h/curry.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 192px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSPVRhgvccO6ynpaQSYUq2dkOuhHV9sKP_rSnO0E7hgCpL9Jd4M60fc443M2fvMXOBUmjb_m5vheOsfzCpGz6CVqV5SrnLyk9DuZIMwN-M0U6FXqE3uF1VYfSEEA7edhxMG-SPapLImtQ/s320/curry.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296852281086648562" border="0" /></a><br /></span><a href="http://www.nypost.com/seven/01122009/news/regionalnews/knicks_sex_scandal_shock_149861.htm">Eddy Curry.</a><br /><br /><blockquote>The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky "in the nude," allegedly telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."</blockquote><br />Enough said.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /></span><span><span style="font-size:100%;">Honorable Mention: No one is even close.</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> <span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><br /><br /><br />DPOY (Douchebag Pompous-ass of the Year)</span>:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH-J5v2BBpW6hnflJNV0aklvhT1_5U454J08tY1sZxvlZURabet25DbmgEbBitkkly1IcR0QLKUo9vKD9OIuNi5aKWsTNc94ZyOvdcw51f8r5xp1k1m1CRXqvURvJP2FB9UnNVFUK_7WM/s1600-h/kg+bitch.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 217px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH-J5v2BBpW6hnflJNV0aklvhT1_5U454J08tY1sZxvlZURabet25DbmgEbBitkkly1IcR0QLKUo9vKD9OIuNi5aKWsTNc94ZyOvdcw51f8r5xp1k1m1CRXqvURvJP2FB9UnNVFUK_7WM/s320/kg+bitch.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296845538568195330" border="0" /></a><br /><blockquote>Yes, Kevin, we're talking about you. Stop sneering at us and listen for a seco...ok, get up off the ground and stop barking like a jackass, you're emba...uh...did you just spit on me?</blockquote>No one has been a bigger D-bag this season than Kevin "The Big Ticket" Garnett. Whether he was pounding his chest and sneering at other players, getting down on all fours and barking like a dog at a rookie point guard, or screaming obscenities at fans at other arenas, Garnett's unique swagger, energy, and enthusiasm has been replaced by bigotry, pompousness, and flat-out disrespect. Boo.<br /><br />Honorable mention: <strike>Kobe Bryant</strike> Mamba, Olowakandrew Vagynum, Lebron James, Stephon Marbury, Darius Miles<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >3) Are the Blazers going to make a trade?</span><br /><br />The trade deadline is rapidly approaching and there has been rampant speculation as to what kind of tricks KP and the Blazers have up their sleeves. Let's take a look at some players that Kobestopper Joe thinks Portland might be interested in using RLEC on:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Gerald Wallace</span><br /><br />Honestly, a week ago, this was my guy. Wallace is an incredibly high-energy player on both ends of floor, capable of getting to the rim, hitting the three, and soaring for great blocks and rebounds. Needless to say, he'd be an upgrade over Travis Outlaw.<br /><br />That said, after Olowakandrew Vagynum collapsed Crash's lung, I'm not sure GW is a viable trade option for the Blazers anymore. Not that he won't come back 100%, but more that we are looking for a short-term veteran player to help us build for the next year or two, and this injury may cut into his usefulness.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Richard Jefferson</span><br /><br />RJ has evolved from a highly-athletic, dunking, Kenyon Martin-type player (they played together in New Jersey, if you'll recall) into an all-around player who can shoot and play solid defense. His biggest downside? Rebounding, as he's only averaging 4.8 boards on the season.<br /><br />After the loss of Redd for the season, the Bucks may be looking to snatch up an expiring contract and wait for 2010. I have no doubt that RJ would love to get off the Bucks and onto a developing, playoff-caliber team. The question is, how well will he produce when he is the third or fourth or even fifth option on the team?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kirk Hinrich</span><br /><br />I <span style="font-style: italic;">love </span>Hinrich for this team. His defensive intensity is far greater than Blake or Sergio, and we would likely package one of these two with RLEC if we were to make a move for him. Also, Chicago is firmly entrenched in the beginning of the Derrick Rose era, so it's not like they're holding out on Hinrich as their point guard of the future.<br /><br />Hinrich has had a little difficulty shooting and scoring since his outburst (45% from the field) in the 06-07 season. That said, we know he <span style="font-style: italic;">can</span> shoot the ball and I think he would benefit massively from a player like Brandon Roy alongside him.<br /><br /><br />Afraid no one wants to trade with us after the Miles debacle? <a href="http://myespn.go.com/blogs/truehoop/0-38-104/Taking-Your-Toys-and-Going-Home--Really-.html">Check this out</a> (Yes, Henry Abbott plays Settlers of Cataan. Yes, that is cool).<br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >4) Some love for Nate Robinson</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span>I was watching the Knicks-Hawks game last night (in which Nate Robinson went <span style="font-style: italic;">off</span> for 20 fourth-quarter points) and noticed that Nate the Great give a nice salute to the crowd. A Knick-fan friend of mine <a href="http://www.realgm.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=875601">passed along this tidbit:</a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-F-vSMFQByGePxQMNPnmttohHnqFuNZ1vHFiPvDMfmD9iaA7gg2ZdR_PIxqdrG0QbVumEQEuAWggzk6LH7VHa3kkU0jodSl96GCv4kGWmjbQervHmj2K48ThmmVJxpjQunHy9aDfN8IA/s1600-h/nate+rob.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 195px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-F-vSMFQByGePxQMNPnmttohHnqFuNZ1vHFiPvDMfmD9iaA7gg2ZdR_PIxqdrG0QbVumEQEuAWggzk6LH7VHa3kkU0jodSl96GCv4kGWmjbQervHmj2K48ThmmVJxpjQunHy9aDfN8IA/s320/nate+rob.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296841738628675858" border="0" /></a><br /><blockquote style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);">Best story of the night: Anybody remember seeing Nate Robinson go to the free throw line on Friday night and salute the crowd? Turns out he'd been playing Call of Duty online and was telling people that he plays for the Knicks. When this was met with disbelief, he vowed to give a salute at the free throw line in his next game to prove his identity to everybody. Sure enough, any COD players watching the Knicks face the Grizzlies got a salute from their teammate. Somehow, that story is all you need to understand Nate Robinson's persona..</blockquote><br />Yup, that's right folks, Nate Robinson is an avid Call of Duty player. I was embarrassingly excited when I heard of him potentially coming to the Blazers a few weeks ago. He doesn't play much defense, LOVES to shoot the ball, and isn't a real point guard (not to mention that he is approximately the size of a Smurf), but <span style="font-style: italic;">he salutes his CoD-playing friends at the free throw line</span>. Oh, and he throws down nasty alley-oops.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZWZrBOHxnyw&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZWZrBOHxnyw&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />OK, that's enough Nate-Rob love for today...Man three days off is a long time.<br /><br />PS: Kirilenko having surgery, out another month. Have I mentioned I hate the Jazz?<br /><br />PPS: Is it just me, or do the Suns play the Spurs eight times a season?Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11801017069511981755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-84937446802193382062009-01-29T03:41:00.000-08:002009-01-29T16:50:22.197-08:00Quick Update: Rudy Responds!Loyal readers (yeah, don't think I haven't noticed all you Johnny-come-lately's around here. I'll deal with you in good time...) will recall <a href="http://kobestoppers.blogspot.com/2009/01/quick-update-mailbags-and-top-5s.html">a certain post</a> I made a few days ago regarding possible dunks for Rudy to perform in the contest.<br /><br />I'm happy to inform you that upon my request, Rudy has taken a break from his busy playing schedule to review my suggestions and express his opinions (in English) to the Kobestoppers audience. So, without further ado, I give you Rudy "Vote Me" Fernandez:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >The secrecies are shrouding my dunking prototypes. This is of ne</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >c</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >essity</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >. But I have read your thought on the matter with interest.</span><br /><br /><a style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153); font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.interbasket.net/news/wp-content/gallery/olympics-2008/oly8-rudy-fernandez-dunks-dwight-howard-big.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 153px; height: 256px;" src="http://www.interbasket.net/news/wp-content/gallery/olympics-2008/oly8-rudy-fernandez-dunks-dwight-howard-big.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">5.) “Over the Rainbow”:</span> I </span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >kno</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >w tha</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >t Portland has the greates</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >t</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" > interest in hybrid vehicles. If I were to perform a hybrid of soccer and basketball, it would be a homage to this greeniness.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">4.) “Star Trek VI”:</span> Merely by thinking about this, I have thrown my real back out in the hypothetical attempting.</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">3.) “The Heart Throb”:</span> I am concerned at the specificity of this suggestion. I am especially conc</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >erned</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" > about the chest-writing. I am most uncomfortable.</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2.) “El Matador”:</span> There is a fashion i</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >n which the motif of the bull-fighting might be corralled into a dunk. This is not it.</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1.) “Cosas Buenas”:</span> This has much in the ways of possibility. The phrase “Spanish condor” is a selling point. I am in the consideration mode!</span><br /><br />To read more of El Mago's thoughts on dunking, Violet Palmer, and of course, his best bud Sergio, visit <a href="http://blogderudyfernandez.blogspot.com/">El Blog de Rudy.</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-11211280803133084852009-01-28T09:49:00.000-08:002009-01-28T11:27:56.433-08:00Quick Update: Kobe StoppedI had the esteemed pleasure of watching last night's matchup between the LA Kobe and the Charlotte Bobcats. I could tell from watching the first period that this was going to be a close game: the Bobcats were hustling on both ends and the Kobe was not matching that energy.<br /><br />The game was really getting interesting when the flagrantly douchebaggish Andrew Bynum elbowed Gerald Wallace in the ribs on a drive with 2:08 in the fourth, resulting in a flagrant foul.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2xUCMMEYeNR02BranXbJIMZF82fbB33c3kU-vQ_YbEtFuvtS9MysFb9QWnC_wXXOf07wd6wAAHRfGhoyHeoEG03RBBbZNRrDNrgXc3AEDKtxS6TMWKeOkOz40YoRoQT_pM9aUF5u0FLw/s1600-h/bynum+fouls+GW.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 154px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2xUCMMEYeNR02BranXbJIMZF82fbB33c3kU-vQ_YbEtFuvtS9MysFb9QWnC_wXXOf07wd6wAAHRfGhoyHeoEG03RBBbZNRrDNrgXc3AEDKtxS6TMWKeOkOz40YoRoQT_pM9aUF5u0FLw/s200/bynum+fouls+GW.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296409495952278066" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR2bN4gmt48Wqe6bCLJEyNZq_amuMdb93dfHsgHc0Rsk2-jYU0xnA4m2YAPfMJY-hD2ti59mNBdvrQp3_o-zG9a53Uh3N_z8jaJuXv8KlFuYpVdjuk9VmywNBpHKfeMPToMprXidE6DHg/s1600-h/GW+pain.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 144px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR2bN4gmt48Wqe6bCLJEyNZq_amuMdb93dfHsgHc0Rsk2-jYU0xnA4m2YAPfMJY-hD2ti59mNBdvrQp3_o-zG9a53Uh3N_z8jaJuXv8KlFuYpVdjuk9VmywNBpHKfeMPToMprXidE6DHg/s200/GW+pain.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296409597595596178" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Not only did this lead to Gerald Wallace in extreme pain on the ground (current speculation includes broken/bruised ribs and even potentially a collapsed lung), but it led to the following conversation between the Bad Dudes:<br /><blockquote><br /><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; color: rgb(215, 51, 6);font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" ><b>Striker</b><aim:timestamp style="display: inline;font-size:11px;"> <span style="font-size:100%;">(10:08:47 AM)</span></aim:timestamp><span style="font-size:100%;">:</span></span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;" >we really need to come up with a derogatory nickname for andrew bynum</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; color: rgb(15, 5, 149);font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" ><b>Blade</b><aim:timestamp style="display: inline;font-size:11px;"> <span style="font-size:100%;">(10:09:29 AM)</span></aim:timestamp>:</span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;" >Gynum</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; color: rgb(15, 5, 149);font-family:Arial;font-size:12;" ><aim:timestamp style="display: inline;font-size:11px;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" >Blade</span></aim:timestamp></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; color: rgb(15, 5, 149); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" ><aim:timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> </aim:timestamp></span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; color: rgb(15, 5, 149);font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" ><aim:timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;">(10:09:35 AM)</aim:timestamp>:</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;" >VaGynum<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; color: rgb(215, 51, 6);font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" ><b>Striker</b><aim:timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (10:09:37 AM)</aim:timestamp>:</span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;" >Vagynum?</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; color: rgb(215, 51, 6);font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" ><b>Striker</b><aim:timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (10:09:38 AM)</aim:timestamp>:</span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;" >yes</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; color: rgb(215, 51, 6);font-family:Arial;font-size:12;" ><b><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Striker</span></b><span style="font-size:100%;"><aim:timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (10:09:40 AM)</aim:timestamp>:</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;" >thats it</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; color: rgb(15, 5, 149);font-family:Arial;font-size:12;" ><b><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Blade</span></b><span style="font-size:100%;"><aim:timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (10:09:40 AM)</aim:timestamp>:</span></span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;" >nice</span><div id="69" style="color:transparent;"><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; color: rgb(15, 5, 149);font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" ><b>Blade</b><aim:timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (10:09:41 AM)</aim:timestamp>:</span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;" >NICE</span></div></blockquote><br />...and that's how legends are made.<br /><br />Anyway, the Bobcats did their best to choke away their late lead by missing <span style="font-style: italic;">seven consecutive free throws </span>at one point to allow the LA Kobe to force overtime. Unfortunately for the Kobe, Mamba fouled out in the first overtime:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5bud0vOUih4Vwi-a8wCDKU_7agq6MiPEoRexqt0nKLaSYhKUjolJYT3QONO8LG0JTVw0eRnDliN_Uo8cZtJiRIYjPo7kzf_vorcLX0rLXE3dKU2GKXLjRR4EYThZ7OB7eUWm7ldplqks/s1600-h/kobe+whines.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 281px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5bud0vOUih4Vwi-a8wCDKU_7agq6MiPEoRexqt0nKLaSYhKUjolJYT3QONO8LG0JTVw0eRnDliN_Uo8cZtJiRIYjPo7kzf_vorcLX0rLXE3dKU2GKXLjRR4EYThZ7OB7eUWm7ldplqks/s400/kobe+whines.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296414174577998482" border="0" /></a><br /><blockquote><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">I can't foul out! You fouled out! You can't call a technical on me...I'll call a technical on </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">you!</span><br /></blockquote><br />So entering the second overtime, the best player on each team was out of the game. That's like the two <strike>football</strike> jumpball teams from <span style="font-style: italic;">Starship Troopers</span> playing without Rico and Zander!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZEdOWtfYqJEN8Z1dYM_7MCT_aeC6WXhGhvWnR8LMkz8wH1S_LkmBie2i8bVBffdmFkuRGFOolft3erNl3MW2NMdXrGlObaLyfTaWsMb-flM4W8WRRhsQ_YwY4EDVyOL1uG1ypM9H0Z9c/s1600-h/zanderrico.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 225px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZEdOWtfYqJEN8Z1dYM_7MCT_aeC6WXhGhvWnR8LMkz8wH1S_LkmBie2i8bVBffdmFkuRGFOolft3erNl3MW2NMdXrGlObaLyfTaWsMb-flM4W8WRRhsQ_YwY4EDVyOL1uG1ypM9H0Z9c/s400/zanderrico.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296424306479550626" border="0" /></a><blockquote style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">God the future is awesome. <a href="http://www.rookscastle.com/props/starshiptroopers/starshiptroopers.html">Wait, it's already here...</a></blockquote><br /><br /><br />In overtime #2, the Bobcats managed to accidentally make some free throws, allowing them to hold on against the LA Kobe's fearsome overtime line-up of Fisher-Farmar-Vujacic-Odom-Vagynum. Ugh.<br /><br />How fitting that the Blazers have to clean up the LA Kobe's east coast slop yet <span style="font-style: italic;">again</span>. Revenge is on our minds, I'm sure.Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11801017069511981755noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-88373391443807221292009-01-27T10:12:00.000-08:002009-01-27T14:59:53.967-08:00Joe Knows: Assault with a Leather Weapon Edition<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP6XxmN2MnMkGuPFMKo8TkK4-9rYSBXaSTsnTjovR1J26jR9081lQw4agHMGqo7np_bK60pAhbcZS5KjhNMUsqm4l9YARwtLHoqvfYmDvrI7Cc6f7h8AstbuXB4mGAIY9VXa8_4Ns-YWI/s1600-h/roy+poster.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 291px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP6XxmN2MnMkGuPFMKo8TkK4-9rYSBXaSTsnTjovR1J26jR9081lQw4agHMGqo7np_bK60pAhbcZS5KjhNMUsqm4l9YARwtLHoqvfYmDvrI7Cc6f7h8AstbuXB4mGAIY9VXa8_4Ns-YWI/s320/roy+poster.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296038368288274594" border="0" /></a><blockquote>I'd prefer it if you didn't get in my way... Your loss.</blockquote><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sweet sassy molassey.</span></span><br /><br />Kobestopper Mike and I have been kicking around an idea for a post which showcases Brandon's "sneaky athleticism." It has become apparent to us that, not only is Roy's athleticism underrated (in the 2006 NBA draft combine, Brandon's vertical was 40.5", <a href="http://vertcoach.com/highest-vertical-leap.html">here are other NBA players for comparison</a>), but he is sneakily explosive and will unexpectedly unleash something tremendous when given the opportunity. According to <a href="http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_vertical_leap_of_Kobe_Bryant">these people who probably have no credibility</a>, Kobe's vertical is a mere 38". Suck it, Mamba.<br /><br />Needless to say, we will no longer be worried about writing this piece. Anyone who reads this blog that still questions Brandon's athleticism is officially dubbed a Mambasucker, the lowest of the low.<br /><br />An open letter to Cheikh Samb:<br /><blockquote><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 153);font-size:130%;" >Dear Mr. Samb,<br /><br />The Portland Trail Blazers would like to thank you for your contribution to the franchise's 2008-2009 NBA season. Your courage in the face of extreme adversity has resulted in a wonderful video clip and one of our best-selling posters of all time. In honor of your sacrifice, and on behalf of the entire Blazers organization, we would like to present you with this Brandon Roy-autographed poster of yourself.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />Larry Miller, Kevin Pritchard, and Paul Allen<br /><br />PS: If you are interested in being an obstacle for the dunk contest, please respond to this email and we would be happy introduce you to Rudy Fernandez.</span><br /><br /></blockquote>This was quite possibly the dunk of the year so far.<br /><br /><br /><br />Sidenote:<br /> <p>I was at the game last night and with about 3 minutes left Clippers fans were leaving the stadium in full force. I thought I might try to get down by the tunnel so I could get an autograph or even just a high five. As I tried to make my way down there, I was stopped by a woman who takes tickets and told I couldn’t go down there.</p> <p>I said, “But everyone is leaving, there’s no one down there. I’m just trying to see if I can say hey to any of the players.” She adamantly refused.</p> <p>I then turned around to find an angry Staples Center manager or something giving me the stink-eye. I pleaded my case with him as well but he was quite rude, simply saying “you can either go back to your seat or you can leave.”</p> <p>I guess the point is: is this typical of NBA arenas? I’ve been to the Rose Garden a couple times but never with decent enough seats to try to make my way down near the court. Besides, at the RG fans actually stay to the end of the game, so its not <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisEnexzgroG4wK7GOGhpt7716Opj_fm-HZQweu2pC0zmg_6_vphVXAZjzYTNruvSamwuaYVh2o006vPAdRk3u3oGf3q-DNdvWkjnDj7c97IQ3pdHFzLT5Yqn_fGw86iZa684tR9AgwDlY/s1600-h/randy+marsh.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 150px; height: 130px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisEnexzgroG4wK7GOGhpt7716Opj_fm-HZQweu2pC0zmg_6_vphVXAZjzYTNruvSamwuaYVh2o006vPAdRk3u3oGf3q-DNdvWkjnDj7c97IQ3pdHFzLT5Yqn_fGw86iZa684tR9AgwDlY/s200/randy+marsh.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296065911563461218" border="0" /></a>like its wide open.</p> <p>I mean, I’m sorry, but I thought this was America?! Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it was America.</p> <p>Blah blah blah security and all that, but c’mon. It's a spectator sport.<br /></p>Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11801017069511981755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-72187513345880220542009-01-27T06:10:00.000-08:002009-02-06T06:31:33.654-08:00Running Diary - Blazers at Clippers<span style="font-weight: bold;">1/26/09</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">7:19, PST</span><br /><br />No time to waste, maniacs. Settle into your seats and grab your favorite brand of cheese-flavored aerosol paste, because Ol’ Mike’s got a buttload of pre-game observations for you:<br /><br />7:20 – Let it be known: Kobestopper Joe is actually at this game, braving the City of Angels while wearing nothing but his LaMarcus jersey, all for the good of this site. OK, so he’s probably wearing some green pants, too. Whatever. Joe has promised to send me texts during the game, and I will keep you abreast of his courtside observations through the use of the <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER UPDATE</span> mechanism.<br /><br />7:21 - We need to blow these guys off the floor. They’re bad at their jobs.<br /><br />Random Note: Check this out – yet another amusing Google search somehow landed a <a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rls=com.microsoft%3Aen-US&rlz=1I7SUNA_en&q=monty%20mccutchen%20hates%20screws%20cheats%20spurs">would-be Monty McCutchen assassin</a> to our little corner of cyberspace.<br /><br />7:22 - Stevsie is back in the starting lineup for the game tonight, unbeknownst to Mike Rice. A smirking Mike Barrett arrogantly questions Rice’s choice of Sergio as tonight’s X-Factor, postulating that Rice’s choice might have been different had the coach known of Blakey’s return. Luckily for Barrett’s nearly-orphaned children, Rice quells the hellish rage within his eyes and decides not to swallow his broadcast partner whole.<br /><br />7:26 - CSN flashes a graphic titled “Let Me Assist You” while Michael and Tony talk about Sergio’s increased playing time and his 10.9 dimes per 48 minutes. Really, Comcast? That’s the best you got? Let me assist you? The correct title for that graphic was clearly “Assister Act.” You know it. I know it. The American people know it.<br /><br />7:27 - Party Works still sucks.<br /><br />7:28 - Greg and LaMarcus are super white-hot fire right now. Let’s give them the ball.<br /><br />7:32 - Michael Holton pulls a General Zod and DEFIES his floor director, who is undoubtedly making the universal “wrap it up” sign. Holton calmly ignores the headset-wearing peon standing beside camera three and proceeds to talk at light speed for 20 seconds, finishing his rant about scouting reports and player tendencies with a satisfied half-smile. You guys remember when Tony Dungy sent the punt unit out on the field for a fourth-and-short, and Peyton Manning emasculated Dungy in front of the entire world by sending the punt unit BACK OFF the field? That’s what Holton just did to his floor director.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://northwest.comcastsportsnet.com/images/talent/talent-Holton.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 242px;" src="http://northwest.comcastsportsnet.com/images/talent/talent-Holton.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Michael Holton: Player of Basketball, Speaker of Words, Crusher of Souls.</span> </div><br />7:34 – A BAD ASS hype video set to AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” is totally ruined by the Blazer theme performed by some band called Western Ariel. Why, God?<br /><br />7:35 - On a scale of one to ten, with one being Alec Baldwin and ten being Jan Brady, how jealous do you think the Clipper Girls are of the Laker Girls? Eight? Nine?<br /><br />7:37 - Mike Rice points out that Mike Dunleavy won Coach of the Year as Blazers coach during the ’99-’00 season. He neglects to mention that Dunleavy also won the coveted “Reddest, Puffiest Face of the Year” and “Worst Hair of the Year” awards that season and every season thereafter.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">First Quarter</span><br /><br />7:40 – <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER UPDATE: “I can’t believe Fred Jones is starting for the Clippers.”</span><br /><br />Me either, buddy. Um…go Ducks?<br /><br />7:41 – Brandon hits from 12 to start. Freddy answers right back with a three-pointer as if to say, “F--- you, Striker.”<br /><br />7:44 – Steve looks like a bionic commando with that shoulder pad on.<br /><br />7:47 – Brian Skinner, having apparently recovered from his flu, accidentally runs into Brandon and is whistled for the foul. After the collision, we’re treated to this exchange:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Barrett:</span> …And Brian Skinner is called for the foul on Roy.<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rice:</span> …mmm…yeah…mm…</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Barrett:</span> Well, I don’t think he meant anything by it…<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rice:</span> I dunno…Anybody with gold at the bottom of their beard…I dunno.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Barrett:</span> …We…uh…apologize…<br /><br />7:48 – <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER UPDATE: “AWESOME Clips fan behind me: ‘gotta watch out for Brandon Roy, he’s gonna hit ’em allll day loooooonng on us.’”</span><br /><br />7:53 – Greg is catching the ball with excellent position down low. When he’s that deep, it’s all over for the defense. Excellent back-to-back defensive possessions for us just now. That might be a first.<br /><br />7:55 – <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER UPDATE: “An ALIEN just wandered on the court wearing a Blazer jersey.”</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.elfwood.com/art/r/i/rickbw1/alien_bw.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 219px; height: 283px;" src="http://images.elfwood.com/art/r/i/rickbw1/alien_bw.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Lookin' good, Travis.</span><br /></div><br />7:58 – Aflac time! Is it me, or are these questions getting easier and easier to understand? Two Blazer coaches have won Coach of the Year. Who are they? Well, as Rice pointed out in the pre-game, Dunleavy is one. The other could be Ramsay in ’76-’77. Or, it could be Adelman in ’91-’92. That team won, like, 68 games or something. I’m going with Adelman.<br /><br />7:59 – Freddy’s really earning that 10-day contract. He’s 3-3 from three-point range with 11 points total. <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER UPDATE: “Fred Jones is killing us.”</span><br /><br />No s---, green pants. 22-21, Clips.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Second Quarter</span><br /><br />8:05 – <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER UPDATE: “Mmmm…ultim</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">ate nachos.”</span><br /><br />It’s always food with him. Even when we were fighting f---ing ninjas in the f---ing White House, Joe had a corn dog in one hand the entire time. Unbelievable.<br /><br />8:09 – There’s a quick shot of Paul Allen sitting with old friend Dan Akroyd. The former Elwood Blues appears to be sporting some rather large sunglasses, assumedly to avoid the riot that would break out when the 34 fans at the game noticed he was in attendance. You know, because he’s still REALLY famous and everything.<br /><br />Three to one says less than 10 percent of the fans in attendance under the age of 30 could pick Dan Akroyd out of a lineup. Luckily, I would be among those in “the know.” I wonder if he’d sign my copy of “The Great Outdoors?”<br /><br />8:11 – Oh my GOD. Rudy. Hook pass. No looking. Alley-oop Slamfest. LaMarcus.<br /><br />I hope Joe brought a change of drawers after that one. Tied at 31.<br /><br />8:22 – Blakey gets drilled by a Skinner pick and has to leave the game. Maybe Mike Rice was right about not trusting dudes with dyed beards…<br /><br />Also, Greg absolutely MUST communicate to Steve on that pick. Let him know it’s coming, big man!<br /><br />8:24 – I’M OLD GREGGGG!!!<br /><br />8:29 – <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER UPDATE: “Oh, God. So man</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">y jalapenos. Also, how are they getting offensive boards over us?”</span><br /><br />I have no idea, buddy. Hey! Jessica Alba!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://style.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/jessica_alba.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 280px; height: 362px;" src="http://style.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/jessica_alba.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Go get her, Joe. Remember </span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwtciyrCN00">your training.</a> </div><br />8:31 – Brandon has 20 after back-to-back threes. Scratch that, 22. <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER UPDATE: “Has Roy missed? Eric Gordon is going to be a good player.”</span><br /><br />No, he has not missed, and yes, E-Gord is going to be good. In my opinion, he looks like a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZARgv6ulkg">young A.I.</a> at times. 49-48, Blaze.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER’S HALFTIME THOUGHT-STR</span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">AVAGANZA:</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">- B-Roy is God.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">- Let’s keep pounding it in to Greg</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">- We need to box the f--- out.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">- Indians are dancing to Lil’ Wayne at halftime</span><br /><a style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raef_LaFrentz">- <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">RLEC</span></a><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"> for Fred Jones? Hahahaha.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">- Also, we just got called “the rowdy row” by</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"> some bitch that works at Staples.</span><br /><br />Always the class act, Joe. To that, I will add:<br /><br />- The defense needs to pick it up. Come on fellas, defend the pick and roll like you’re adults, huh?<br />- Nic, you need to stick to Gordon like glue. He is their only hope.<br />- Looks like Steve’s out for the second half, so Sergio and BayBay need to stay consistent.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Third Quarter</span><br /><br />8:53 – Serge steals the ball and hits LMA on the trail for an easy jam. I like this very much.<br /><br />8:54 – Ho. Lee. Sheeeeeeaaaaaaattt.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">BAFFLED STRIKER UPDATE: "Holy s---, was that pass by Serge for real?"</span><br /><br />It was indeed, Joseph. My jaw is still on the floor.<br /><br />8:59 – Greg is too deep. Bad news for DeAndre Jordan. The celebration is short-lived, however, as Greg is then immediately Violet Palmer’d for his third foul.<br /><br />9:02 – <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER UPDATE: “Little boy to cool Clips fan: ‘stop number seven.’ Cool man: ‘you can’t stop number seven.’”</span><br /><br />9:07 – This Barq’s root beer is even frostier and tastier because I’m drinking it out of my Terry Porter Dairy Queen glass.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghCHiIba0cBQRGLs44cOuhOyC-EIZn-KOrwNn5dKnn8xxy2br9kDH3UdNoSpy1Z0IK9NV71RRvAyJXXAe3eqkp7uq8MsCTPhxf0025lV00Ps4-6l3AEEkIo7_nBPZX-s-F4Be_xF-wEzgz/s1600-h/glasses.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghCHiIba0cBQRGLs44cOuhOyC-EIZn-KOrwNn5dKnn8xxy2br9kDH3UdNoSpy1Z0IK9NV71RRvAyJXXAe3eqkp7uq8MsCTPhxf0025lV00Ps4-6l3AEEkIo7_nBPZX-s-F4Be_xF-wEzgz/s320/glasses.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5295985027456136626" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Mmmm. Delicious.</span> </div><br />9:08 – Gordon throws one down in transition, but BRANDON ANSWERS RIGHT BACK!!!!!! Oh my GOD. I literally woke up the cat with that exuberant shriek I just made. Cheikh Samb, I do not know where you are from, but wherever that may be, you need to just pack up and go back home, my friend. You can’t recover from this.<br /><br />Brandon dunked his f---ing headband off.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER SAYS: “Oh my God. I have never seen Brandon dunk on someone’s face like that.”</span><br /><br />Me either, dude. I still don’t know if that actually happened. That was an MJ-style, “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8M2NgjvicA&feature=related">SIT CHO ASS DOWWWWN</a>” jam.<br /><br />9:13 - <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">FROM THE DESK OF STRIKER: “The loudest this place has been was when they showed Jessica Alba on the jumbotron.”</span><br /><br />Weak, Clipper fans. Really weak. Like, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PV6TfJ3rvRI">THIS</a> is how weak you are.<br /><br />9:18 - Rudy hits a three to end the quarter. Beautiful pass by Pryz.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER MUSES: “Great play by Rudy. He’s a basketball player.”</span><br /><br />Right you are, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4VomImtzVw">Ken.</a> 77-73, Blaze.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fourth Quarter</span><br /><br />9:19 –<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER COMMANDS: “I have good vibes about this fourth quarter. Striker says make it so.”</span></span><br /><br />Travis seems to have heard him. He has seven points in two minutes so far. 85-73, Blaze.<br /><br />9:26 – Aflac answer: Mike Shuler. Huh. Would not have guessed that. Actually, I didn’t guess that. You guys need a new basketball expert. I’m terrible.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER LIES: “Mike, for the last time, </span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">you are NOT a basketball expert. I bet you a bag of peanuts Mike Barrett just said ‘it’s Brandon Roy time.’”</span><br /><br />Well, well. It would seem that Ol’ Joe now owes the EXPERT a bag of peanuts.<br /><br />9:34 – We’re on a 15-3 run through the first six minutes.<br /><br />9:38 – <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER SUPERIORITY COMPLEX: “And the Clipper fans head to the exits. Disgraceful.”</span><br /><br />As I mentioned previously: weak, Clipper fans. Weak.<br /><br />9:43 – Rudy attempts to use his Spanish charm to woo Violet Palmer into changing her call. Violet does not appears to be phased. How strange. I wonder if Rudy will <a href="http://blogderudyfernandez.blogspot.com/">blog about this</a> later.<br /><br />9:44 – Novak misses the FT to screw up a four-point play. Lucky.<br /><br />9:46 – Rudy slams the door shut with a steal and behind-the-back dish to Travis for the jam plus the foul. The Jell-O’s gigglin’, maniacs.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER CONFRONTATION: “Annoying teenage Clips fan: ‘Greg Oden only plays garbage minutes.’ Me: ‘You’re losing by 17 points.’ Then Greg had a huge dunk and a huge block.”</span><br /><br />Victory strikes again for the Bad Dudes.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://sydlexia.com/imagesandstuff/baddudesnes.PNG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 384px; height: 288px;" src="http://sydlexia.com/imagesandstuff/baddudesnes.PNG" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Blade and Striker take no prisoners.</span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Final Score</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Blazers: 113</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">Clippers: 88</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Post-Game Thoughts</span><br /><br />- Brandon had 33 for the game, and Travis had 16 in the fourth quarter. This helped us win.<br /><br />- Brandon’s dunk will forever be stamped into my cortex. I will wake up every day for two weeks with a smile on my face because of that moment. As God as my witness, I WILL own that poster the second it is printed.<br /><br />- I hope Stevesie is OK.<br /><br />- Sergio is really coming into his own. So much so that I’ve decided to drop Blake and pick him up in my fantasy league. I have a bad feeling about Steve’s shoulder re-injury tonight. We’ll see if this pays off.<br /><br />- We’re playing the Charlotte Hornets tomorrow, apparently. CSN, fire your graphics designer. Seriously.<br /><br />I’ll end on one last thought from Joe.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">STRIKER CONCLUSION: “Assholes at Staples Center won’t let me get down to get my jersey signed. I had a small conniption.”</span><br /><br />I figure Joe’s about eight beers deep at this point, so the likelihood he actually got into a scrap with the usher is probably a coin flip. More on this as it develops.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4353719117235658686.post-69541780226742418782009-01-26T14:39:00.001-08:002009-01-26T15:03:46.287-08:00Blowin' UP: Blogfest at Powell's<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhniO4oBIjW8lQkdnWYig1ZvplcyI6z65qbLB33mip49C5_cevweY3JBeXi9sQjjeCM_AhaUSWbKzIshV1mXHa9KyCSZL_O3kyGGwxux8sJ4ztzWsjCCnj4CyjV5917p9HC4Ja-WlfHWUY/s1600-h/announcement.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 193px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhniO4oBIjW8lQkdnWYig1ZvplcyI6z65qbLB33mip49C5_cevweY3JBeXi9sQjjeCM_AhaUSWbKzIshV1mXHa9KyCSZL_O3kyGGwxux8sJ4ztzWsjCCnj4CyjV5917p9HC4Ja-WlfHWUY/s200/announcement.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5295740973936971634" border="0" /></a><br />Big news at Kobestoppers central today: Our good friends at <a href="http://www.blazersedge.com/">Blazer's Edge</a> are hosting <a href="http://www.blazersedge.com/">Free Darko</a> blogger Bethlehem Shoals at Powell's Books in downtown Portland on Monday, February 9th at 7:30.<br /><br />Who is this Bethlehem Shoals fellow, you ask? Well, only a contributing author of <a href="http://powells.com/biblio/1-9781596915619-0">The Macrophenomenal Basketball Almanac</a>, a fantastic addition to your basketball library which delves into the cerebrum of some of the most fascinating figures in the NBA (except for a few...like B-Roy, Oden, Rudy, and Ike Diogu...ok, maybe not Ike, but you can tell I have a bone to pick).<br /><br />In any case, various figures in sports (and Blazers) media will be there and everyone is invited! Mike and I will be there, chatting it up and schmoozing with whoever will talk to us. We will also be happy to sign whatever tattered fast food receipts you think are worthy of our signature (bring your own pen!).<br /><br /><a href="http://www.blazersedge.com/pages/free-darko">I will direct you here for further instructions.</a><br /><br />PS: Word is that the instupituous Steve Blake may return to the lineup for tonight's game against the Clipshow. <a href="http://blog.oregonlive.com/blazers/2009/01/blake_questionable_tonight_vs.html">He is listed as questionable.</a> Mike Rice can barely keep his pants on.Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11801017069511981755noreply@blogger.com2