Kobestoppers

Sunday: It's hard to look in the mirror

2009-04-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

And not just for the normal reasons.

For some well-reasoned thoughts on Sunday's game, please head over to I Think I Know Now, the glorious and infallible blog of Kobestopper Theen.

Wed/Thurs: Four games you might not care about

2009-04-23T19:38:00.000-07:00

What's up, maniacs? Cool, cool. Oh, what's up with me? Oh, nothing really. Well, I mean, I was on the verge of beating Super Star Wars on SNES today until my roommate's cat "accidentally" stepped on the reset button, but...yeah. OK, I'm just going to get to the game notes before I divulge exactly how I decided to murder Mr. Whiskers...

Wednesday

Heat at Hawks: Game 2, Atlanta leads 1-0

- Oh my God. They have a LIVE HAWK chained to some guard rail on the lower level. Is that allowed? Aren't there regulations against -- OH MY GOD IT'S F***ING LOOSE. Spirit the Falcon has now attached himself to the basket support behind the glass. What is going on? Don't they have to stop play because of this? How is this safe? Couldn't he -- OK NOW HE'S PERCHED ON ONE OF TNT'S CAMERAS. Will somebody take care of this, please? Oh my God, now the bird is actually DIVE BOMBING the playing surface, and....and...Danny Crawford is mildly amused??? Oh boy. The same cannot be said for Kenny Mauer. I pity that poor falconer.

- Did you guys like Erik Spoelstra in "The Guru" as much as I did?

- I just noticed Zaza Pachulia has the most epic back-acne I've ever seen. Dear God, TNT, cut away from it! Cut away!!!

- I want to see Mike Brown vs. Mike Woodson in a Mr. Potato Head Competition. My money's on Woodson. Joe, I know you're going to disagree, and I will gladly take your money.

- OK, you might wanna guard Dwyane Wade right about now. He's sort of destroying you and evening the seri -- annnnnd it's too late.

Hornets at Nuggets: Game 2, Denver leads 1-0

- PJ's sporting a yellow sportcoat/tie combo that would even make Jack Ramsay cringe. Yikes.

- Of course, it's hard to properly enjoy PJ's outfit when the audio and video aren't synched for the start of the game. TNT: We know five second delays on live sporting events.

- Matt Devlin: "And HERE. COMES. THE BIRDMAN!" Every time I see Andersen snarl, my ulcer eats through my stomach lining just a tiny bit more.

- Note to PJ: Clear your DAMN throat during the next commercial break. It's like listening to gravel being thrown into a wood chipper. Unless of course you're still suffering some ill effects from the Latrell Sprewell incident, in which case, my bad.

- If I have to watch one more ad for either "Meet the Browns" or "House of Payne," I swear to God I'm going to destroy my roommate's really, really expensive television.

- Birdman gathers a Billups miss and throws it down over two innocent Hornet bystanders as the Pepsi Center erupts. Hornets fans everywhere are frantically trying to come up with reasons not to pull a Chris Walken in "Deer Hunter."

- After an easy alley-oop from Paul to Chandler, George Karl makes his "Oh f***, I just saw my daughter on Girls Gone Wild" face.

- Rex Chapman in the booth! Represent! Wait, did he used to play basketball or something? The good news is, if he drops about 40 pounds, he could totally land a gig next to Berman and Golic on the NutriSystem commercials.

- I have to tell you guys, I absolutely adore "Dog the Bounty Hunter." I love his hair. I love his lady's enormous bust. I love his family of Hunters. I love that he loves Jesus and always gives the fugitives his life story when he brings them in. What? Oh, the game? Don't worry about it. It was over at halftime.

Thursday

Celtics at Bulls: Game 3, series tied 1-1

- Pierce is shredding the Bulls early. He’s five-for-five with 11 points, and we’re only six minutes into the game. How much longer can he keep this up before he needs a hip replacement and/or is committed to a mental institution? This type of intensity can’t be healthy. Look at KG, for God’s sake.

- What do you guys think Brad Miller’s maximum vertical leap is at this point? Four inches? Five? I think we need to have an Old Guy Combine so we can find these things out for certain. Outside of Miller’s vert, highlights would include Shaq’s baseline-to-baseline and Jason Kidd’s shuttle drill. And we could make it really interesting by applying side bets to each competition. Like, if Kidd doesn’t beat Collin Cowherd’s time, he has to retire. Tell me you wouldn’t watch this.

- Stretching the lead to 12, Rondo channels Bob Cousy and hits Cry Baby Davis down low for an easy two with a beautiful look-away bounce pass. Vinnie calls time to stop the bleeding (T-minus 18 minutes until total depletion of allowed timeouts!)

- Scalabrine sighting! That white-on-green number 44 has never looked so sexy. My God, it’s like Danny Ainge gained 200 pounds by eating nothing but corndogs and Velveeta. If Scalabrine’s nickname isn’t already The White Whale, it should be. They should make a bio-pic about Scalabrine called My Big Fat Pale Ugly Worthless Basketball Player.

- Wow, while I was ranting, it seems Boston went up 59-37. Must be the Scalabrine factor.

- With Boston up 26 with 4:00 to play in the third, we are treated to a Tim Thomas Special. Here’s the rundown of events: Tim receives the ball with the shot clock winding down, takes a couple of complacent dribbles, jacks up a 20-footer that’s partially blocked by Baby Davis, falls to his backside, then, presumably to prevent the potentially deadly five-on-four advantage that Boston would have, fouls Rondo in the backcourt while still lying on the ground. I don’t even want to know many Chicago fans just screamed, “GOOD GOD, JUST GET UP OFF THE FLOOR YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!!” To any Bucks, Clippers or Suns fans who happen to be reading this right now, this is your cue to nod and smile. Tim Thomas, everybody!

- The lead is an even 30, and we have an ongoing battle of titans down on the block: Brian Scalabrine vs. Aaron Gray. If I had my way, this would be the UFC’s next main event. Can you even picture these two throwing down? It would finally answer the age-old question of “who would win if a 300-pound vanilla Snack Pack fought a goofy, effeminate polar bear?” I should probably stop watching this game now, huh?

Lakers at The Family Circus: Game 3, Lakers lead 2-0

- I feel like this picture speaks for itself:

In case you were wondering, I like the Lakers in 5. Two weeks ago, when Striker and I conceived of doing a potential playoff preview (you know, before we got lazy and abandoned the concept after we did two teams...) featuring the Family Cir...er...the Jazz, this is what we wrote:

Let's be honest here, the Jazz have been bitten by the injury bug as hard or harder than any other team in the Western Conference. First it was Deron Williams' ankle, then Boozer's knee, then Jeffy skinned his elbow, then Kirilenko, then PJ messed his diapers, then Boozer again, then Thelma caught a cold and couldn't watch the kids, even Millsap for a while. It wasn't until the last few weeks that the Jazz managed to field a full roster and they responded by posting a 12-game winning streak from mid February through March. Things were looking good in SLC.

And then they decided to visit the Rose Garden. Oops.

Hey, whose idea do you think it was to come to Portland? I bet it was Jeffy's. He's always getting into trouble without regard for potential consequences. It's OK, Jeffy, Gramps still loves you. Although actually, in Utah's Family Circus, Grandpa Sloan probably loves absolutely no one. That's not a knock on the players; that's just a comment on the frequency with which Jerry Sloan sports his "f*** my life, we just turned the ball over again" face, which to me indicates that he's a little frustrated with his team's inability to win on the road.

Now this doesn't mean that Grandpa Sloan doesn't care for his youngsters; it just means that he's a crazy, ancient, irritable sloth who wants things done his way. But those darned kids just won't listen to him. All they want to do is head on down to the Sugar Bowl and order double-scoop waffle cones that poor old Gramps will have to pay for. And all the while, he'll have to listen to Thelma's whiny, nasally exaggerations about how talented and precocious his team is on the inside.

Oh, Billy! You mispronounced spumoni! What a hilarious misunderstanding!

I'm not really sure what that has to do with anything at this point, but I figured it would give us all another excuse to laugh at the Jazz, so....you know, there it is.

- Back to the game, and I must admit that I love, love, LOVE the way Marv Albert says "Ariza." Try it out; it's fun. Trevorrrr UhhhhRRREEEEEEEZUHHHHH.

- I seem to have nodded off for the majority of the second quarter. I was awakened in the middle of the third period when Phil Jackson called a timeout. Now, I'll have to check my Bible, but I'm pretty sure that's one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse. Yep, never mind, pestilence is already riding out onto the court. We're all screwed.

- Wow, Jerry Sloan is actually giving Craig Sager a decent interview as the fourth quarter starts. That has to be the most informative, least "get the hell out of my face" in-game interview I've ever seen a coach give to a sideline reporter.

- Suddenly the Jazz are charging, and it's a three point game with 10 minutes to play. Don't go away on this one.

- Matt Harpring is tearing it UP. The brilliant strategist he is, Coach Jackson decides to remove Luke Walton from the game in favor of someone who can stay in front of Matt Harpring -- you know, like Bea Arthur.

- With Utah up three with 3:21 remaining, Deron Williams is called for an eight-second violation. Would you like me to repeat that, insane Jazz fans who still insist that D-Will is better than CP3? OK, fine. One play does not a season make, and Chris hasn't exactly been scorching against the Nugs, but I don't care. If I could pick one guy in the world to run my team from the point, it would be Chris Paul, and I have a feeling that just about everybody outside of Salt Lake City would agree with me.

- It would seem that the Mamba was only destined to strike at ninety-EIGHT percent accuracy and precision at maximum speed this evening. Hey, maybe this will turn into a series after all. Anything the Family Circus can do to tire the legs of LA before we face them in round two is fine by me.

That's all she wrote, maniacs. Start smearing on that war paint for tomorrow night.

Tuesday: Hail to The King - The Natural

2009-04-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

It was prophesied by the ancient ones that one day a savior would descend upon Rip City from the uncharted northern territories to deliver them from the darkness that had devoured their once prosperous land. It was said that this Warrior of Time would possess the strength of 10,000 mortal men and wield strange magic capable of defeating any foe. Citizens of Portland, the time of deliverance is upon you. For the one they call Roy has fulfilled his destiny. I give you The Natural:

Game 2 was a dogfight. Houston fought us tooth-and-nail for 48 minutes, but each time they made a push, Brandon whipped out his shotgun and his chainsaw and started screaming, "Okay....who wants some? HUH? How about you? YOU want a little? HUH???? HUH???!!!!"

I can't wait to bounce somebody else's grandchild on my knee and tell them about the time Brandon Roy put the team on his back and scored 42 points to even the series at a game a piece. I'm positively giddy about the fact that I now have new Blazers stories to tell. I couldn't be happier with how Brandon stepped up and hit big shot after big shot, despite getting virtually no whistles at the rim.

That said, it wasn't ALL about Brandon last night (only 80-85% about Brandon, I'd say), which is why I have a few game notes for all you maniacs:

- I gotta show LMA some love. Way to step your game up, big man. I was begging for that fade-away over the right shoulder all during Game 1, since Scola was clogging up the lane so nicely. The L-Train did not disappoint, rolling for 27 and 12 on 11 for 19 shooting. The scoring was nice, but the rebounding was huge. Without that effort, Houston definitely wins the rebounding battle and possibly steals the game.

- Joey Crawford gives calls to the road team out of spite. I think he's obsessed with proving that he doesn't feel pressure from the fans to make calls for the home team. I'm convinced of this, so don't try to tell me any different. I will hear no more arguments.

- In a battle of Old Lion vs. Old Lion, Greg asserted his dominance as the oldest player on the court and snatched the cobweb-covered torch from the worn and wrinkly hands of Dikembe Mutombo. In all seriousness, it's really unfortunate that Dikembe went down like that. He's done a ton for the game and a ton for his country. He exemplifies everything that a pro athlete should be. You know when a guy goes down and every one of his teammates runs out to check on him that the injured player is important to his team. Dikembe has said that he will need surgery and that his playing days are over. What a shame. Thanks for the memories, big man. I, for one, will be extremely disappointed if you are not courtside for next year's All-Star Weekend.

- Derrick Stafford, you are a prince. Your whistle was the second most important factor in keeping us in that game next to Brandon being the new Jesus.

- When Brandon hit that three-pointer to close out the first quarter, I stood up and started screaming profanity without discretion at Ron Artest. Seriously you guys, I'm pretty sure half the stuff I yelled isn't even in Webster's Cursing Dictionary. So, you know, don't let me hang out with your kids, I guess.

- I was loving the Twin Towers for all THREE MINUTES they were allowed to be on the floor at the same time. What a joke. My good friend, Mambasucker T, informed me earlier today that Houston fans were actually complaining about the officiating being unfair to Yao. To that, I will say this: Greg fouled out for playing the EXACT same type of defense as The Great Wall, whereas Yao could have pulled a gun, taken four spectators hostage and executed one of them at midcourt, all while spraying bullets at anything in a white jersey, and he wouldn't have picked up that fifth foul. So just shut up, OK?

- I liked the energy Rudy brought to the floor. I would really like to see him running off more picks away from the ball. It seems to me that Houston is excellent at packing the middle and playing on-ball defense. Away from the ball, however, shooters are getting free. Rudy found some gold coming off of picks, as did The Natural. I hope to see much more movement away from the ball so that Brandon doesn't have to do an MJ impression every night in order for us to win.

- We were finally able to run against this team, and it payed off big time. No doubt that we have a much easier time scoring after a defensive board than when we're constantly pulling the ball out of our own net. Houston is so physical on D that it helps to have a little chaos in the half court, which is exactly what happens after a failed fast break attempt. In other words, most of the time we get a better look in the halfcourt after we don't score on the break as opposed to walking it up. The moral of the story? Defense leads to offense.

- Houston is making a lot of difficult shots, especially AB and RonRon. Don't get me wrong, both are getting plenty of good looks at the rim, but there are also a fair share of shots that probably make Rick Adelman want to pull that goatee right off his face. Both of these guys are playing at a high level right now, but those off-balance jumpers that hang on the rim for seven seconds can't continue to go in with the frequency they have for the first two games. They're going to have an off shooting night at least once while they're at home. When that happens, we've got to seize the moment and step on their throat.

- I've also heard some clamoring from the other side that Pryz is a flopper. You know what, Rockets fans? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Scola and Yao put on Oscar-worthy performances every night they hit the hardwood, so don't start crying about Pryz drawing Yao's fourth foul with that Barry Horowitz-level sell job.

- Finally, I've been a little disappointed that Young Nicolas hasn't affected the series more. RonRon had a huge first quarter on Tuesday and got plenty of good looks in Game 1. Maybe we need to see The Dragon Emperor covering Brooks in Game 3, with Brandon defending Artest? No matter how you slice it, these Rockets are scoring effectively against our D. Come on Nicky, I want to see you flying around out there like a wasp on crystal meth. Steals, blocks, hands in faces, transition threes, whatever you can do to make a difference. It's time for Boom Boom Batum to make some noise.

That's all we got for you, maniacs. Check back for more playoff coverage as it develops, and keep the faith. Friday, we shake up the world.

Monday: Celts, Spurs fire back

2009-04-21T01:46:00.000-07:00

What better way to kill time waiting for Tuesday than to watch some hoops on Monday? Let's not waste any time and get right to my game logs.

Bulls at Celtics

- The first quarter comes to a close. Cue "Thunderstruck." Why is TNT so desperate for their audience to be middle-aged white men? Crank. Dat. Souljah. BOI.

- Jada Pinkett Smith Smith as a sexy, compassionate nurse who bends all those bureaucratic hospital rules to help her patients????? Why, that sounds like the most original idea for a TV series that I've ever heard. Sign me up RIGHT NOW.

- Mikki Moore's hair makes him look like a super tall, gangly, black John Travolta in "Battlefield Earth."

- Both Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins are insisting on referring to Lindsay Hunter as Lindsay LEE Hunter. Like that's going to make us forget that he's both bad at basketball and is the only dude in the room who turns his head when you say, "Hey, Lindsey." Right.

- Watch the guy on the left.

- Wow, I have to admit. I am impressed. Kevin Garnett is absolutely giving Dikembe Mutombo a run for the money in the Sideline Cheerleader department. TNT just held a 17-second shot of KG calmly talk-shouting something into Mikki Moore's ear from roughly one inch away. I can only assume he was telling Mikki that mercy is for the weak and instructing him to sweep somebody's leg. Wow.

- OK, that Popeye's commercial was slightly less racist than Fuzzy Zoeller but slightly more racist than OJ's TIME cover.

- Charles sticking his tongue out like Jabba the Hutt at halftime was the stuff of legend. Now we KNOW who's bringing sexy back.

- I swear to God, KG's head is going to explode, "Scanners" style.

- "Ben Gordon is a flame thrower!" Well put, Kev. As an added bonus, we got to see Ben make that little monocle gesture and say the word "motherf***er" in super slo-mo as we went to commercial.

- Great shot by Ben Gordon. Great shot by Ray Allen. Great job by Vinnie Del Negro to be out of timeouts at the end of two straight playoff games. Give yourselves a round of applause, gang!

Mavs at Spurs

- It's official. Marty Snider is the heir apparent to Craig Sager. Good Lord.

- Who else misses the Alamo Dome? We all need a little more hot pink and turquoise in our lives if you ask me.

- Shot clock violation on Dallas. Coach Carrey makes the same face he did in "Liar Liar" when Audrey tried to take Max away to live in Boston with Carey Elwes.

- Pop is so angry with Bruce Bowen after two missed assignments that his beard spontaneously combusts into flame, reducing his once-glorious mane to mere ash. The viewing public rejoices.

- In case you were wondering, yes, Drew Gooden still sucks.

- Bowen nails a corner three. Honestly, the dude is dangerous from ONE SPOT on the floor. How do you lose him??? Are you wearing blinders? Have you been drinking? Are you Stephon Marbury?

- Just as I come to the conclusion that Roger "Clarence" Mason has turned into a quite a good role player, I notice that this game has gotten uglier than Kurt Thomas and decide to flip on over to "Mythbusters."

- Oh my freaking God, you guys. They're building a f***ing speedboat out of nothing but ice and newspaper. I'm not even joking.

That's it for now, maniacs. Before I go, though, I want to extend some sincere well wishes to Chuck Daly. You're a hell of a coach, Chuck, and I wish you a speedy recovery.

Hope Houston is ready for a fight, because I have a feeling we are...

Mamba invades NBA Playoff Sunday

2009-04-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

In an effort to distract myself from what transpired on Saturday night, I've decided to share my notes from Sunday's playoff games with you fine folks. Prepare to snicker like you've never snickered before. Up first:

Jazz at KOBE

- "The time I realized I was better than everyone else was my senior year of high school." Wow, Kobe, I never would have thought that about you. I mean, you do such a great job of hiding how great you think you are. YOU ARE THE KANYE WEST OF BALLPLAYERS. Ten-to-one says that Kobe dances to "Goodbye Horses" in front of a full body mirror like Buffalo Bill before every game.

- Nine straight points by Utah coming out of the half, and still Phil Jackson refuses to call timeout. You know, there's something endearing about his stubbornly hands-off approach to coaching. Even when Rambis was filling in for him, no timeouts were called. It's like Phil was lying there with his leg all swollen, going over the game plan with Kurt, and he instructed him to never ask for time. Rambis is all worried about getting Kobe enough touches and how many minutes he should play Bynum, and Phil is like, "No. F***ing. TIMEOUTS. Got it?"

- Mark my words: AK-47 can still be a dangerous player for somebody, especially since nobody's going to pay him when his contract expires in two years. I have a feeling that some team is going to steal him off the wire for dirt cheap in 2011. That is, if he doesn't get traded before that and experience his resurgence just in time to sign another huge contract. The NBA: where trying hard during contract years happens.

- "Mama, there goes that man." You guys couldn't see it, but Mark Jackson just made that little cross with his forearms from the broadcast booth when he said that. Sick dunk by the Mamba, though. I gotta admit.

- Also, as a little bonus, that clip depicts Deron Williams earning the Jazz a moral victory by denying those soulless Laker fans free tacos. Also, the Jazz came back and kept it competitive enough to make Phil play Kobe in the fourth quarter. Good stuff.

76ers at Magic

- Why do networks insist on hiring the WORST coaches as color commentators? I mean, I realize that typically the bad coaches are the ones in the unemployment line, but PJ Carlesimo? Really? You couldn't find Brian Hill's number in the ol' Rolodex, huh?

- Actually, never mind. PJ just said, "Not in my hood!" after Dwight Howard swatted Andre Igoudala. I love him now.

- Tony DiLeo is pulling out what little hair he has left after his team allowed Humpty Dumpty Anothony Johnson to go coast-to-coast for a dunk. On the plus side, we all learned that Anthony Johnson is capable of dunking a basketball today. Sources informed me that Otis Smith had to be restrained so he wouldn't sign Johnson to a six-year, $90 million deal.

- Hmmmm...there must be some mistake. I see JJ Redick on the floor. Um, Stan? It's only an 11-point game. You might want to hold off on giving your ball boy minutes until you've regained a little more momen -- oh, never mind. You lost.

Heat at Hawks

- *Insert mandatory "Erik Spoelstra looks like he's going to a middle school dance" joke here.*

- Looks like Cheryl Miller has recovered from her street brawl with Scot Pollard. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed that the situation didn't escalate further than it did. I would pay SO MUCH MONEY to see them go at in in Thunderdome. Man, I wish they had played that game of one-on-one. What if Pollard just backed her down and shot layups all day? There's no way she could stop that. I want Scot Pollard to become the Andy Kaufman of one-on-one hoops. I can just see him building himself a belt out of cardboard and Bedazzler rhinestones that reads "World Intergender Basketball Champion." Then, out of nowhere, Reggie busts onto the set to defend his big sister's honor by challenging Pollard. Incredulous, Pollard hisses like Gollum and shouts, "I do not play against MEN!!!" Tell me you wouldn't watch that.

- Yeah, um, sombody might want to put a body on Josh Smith around the basket. Might be helpful.

- Considering the game was a curb-stomping, I switched over to G4 and caught a couple episodes of "Human Wrecking Balls." Could you have guessed that in the Man vs. Airplane and Man vs. Office Building competitions that Man would kick ass BOTH TIMES???? I love this show.

- Another advantage to watching G4? I was bombarded by a mind-numbingly idiotic debate about whether robots or zombies would be first to take over the world. Clearly, the answer is robots.

Hornets at Nuggets

- I want to see Antonio Daniels face off against George Hill in the World Series of Inadequate Backup Point Guards. I'm taking Hill as a slight favorite. I think he's just a TINY bit more worthless than Daniels.

- Chauncy vs. CP3 is going to give Rose vs. Rondo a run for the money. I love the playoffs.

- If Chandler and Birdman don't come to blows at least once during this series, I'm chalking it up as a disappointment.

- JR Smith just hit the lane out of control and threw the ball to somebody in the third row, causing George Karl to make his "Hooo boy, I should NOT have ordered that jambalaya" face.

- With the game well out of hand, JR hits another heavily contested shot and begins screaming like a mad man. I do not know exactly what he was saying, but I know that it was definitely profanity-laced. The NBA: It's for the children.

That's all for now, maniacs, but there's plenty more where that came from. So make sure to keep on coming back to Uncle George's Jambalaya Hut for all the worthless, snarky playoff coverage you can fit on your plate.

Trail of Tears: NBA Playoff Saturday

2009-04-19T03:17:00.000-07:00

In hindsight, I guess it could have been worse.

Brandon's skull could have bounced off the hardwood instead of RonRon's shin, rendering him concussed and consequently unable to play in Game 2.

Honestly, I haven't seen this team play that poorly since before the All-Star break. Take nothing away from Houston (or Dikembe Mutombo. Did you SEE him?! He's setting the bar at like 7'8'' for all other potential playoff sideline cheerleaders. If we weren't getting smashed so badly, I would have absolutely loved it). They came into our house tonight and took our heart right from the get-go.

However, now that I've had a few hours to digest that peanut butter and sadness sandwich that Houston served us, I have a few points to offer in our defense:

1) My personal favorite broadcasting duo wasn't calling our game tonight. Although Doris Burke and Dave Pasche aren't scrubs (see Mark Jackson, pg. 932), they certainly aren't on the level of Dan Shulman and Jon Barry (The ChromeDomes, as I like to call them). This could have thrown us off. Unlikely, you say? Poppycock.

2) We got off to a lousy start. Call it what you want - nerves, jitters, paralyzing fear of failure....No matter what it was, it's out of our system now. No worries.

3) Yao was absolutely perfect, and the Rockets shot something like 75% from the field. Great job by them tonight, but they can't sustain that type of production once we get our sea legs under us.

I also would like to mention the low-lights of the evening, just so we're all on the same page:

1) As we were making our final push, Brandon went to the rack strong and tried to throw it down with his left hand. Dikembe Mutombo, fresh from 1996 apparently, proceeded to climb out of his time machine and swat the attempt like it was a gnat trying to mack on his coleslaw. As the giant, gravel-voiced African waved that familiar finger at the Rose Garden faithful, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

2) Brent Barry packed down an uncontested jam on the baseline midway through the third. Not only that, but they showed it again in slo-mo as they went to commercial. Former slam dunk champ or no, I don't want Brent F***ing Barry dunking on my f***ing team.

3) I noticed lots of empty seats in the lower deck before the final whistle blew. That one really stung.

4) Jeff Van Gundy is one step closer to his evil prediction of a Rockets romp becoming reality. This must not happen, if not for our sake, then for the rest of the sports viewing public. If Van Gundy's head got any bigger, it'd have its own atmosphere.

Now, the positives:

1) Adelman did not bring back the mustache. Had he done so, I'm not sure there would be any light at the end of this initially depressing playoff tunnel.

2) In the middle of the third period, just as I had advanced to the bargaining stage of the Seven Stages of Getting Blown Out In Game One Of A Playoff Series, I stopped promising to never go out with Madonna again long enough to notice that Greg was actually playing pretty well. This continued through the third and into the fourth, and I have no reason to believe that he won't show up for Game 2.

3) Part of me thinks we needed to get our butts kicked. Forget about this series for a second and think about the next 10 years of Trail Blazer basketball. Remember how MJ got bounced from the playoffs by Isiah three years in a row before finally exacting revenge and winning the title? He needed those frustrating losses to those physical Pistons teams in order to become the greatest winner of the modern era. I know it's not the easiest thing in the world to hear, but whether it starts on Tuesday or next fall, we will never forget how it felt to get our butts kicked on our home court, and overcoming that adversity will make us better in the long run.

4) Brandon Roy is a champ. He carried us as long as he could, but at some point he needed some help. In an unrelated bit of speculation, my spider-sense is informing me that if the back of Brandon's jersey had somehow magically read "WADE," he would have gotten to the line about 15 more times tonight without changing how he played one iota. I'm just sayin'.

Notes from the other three ballgames:

Bulls at Celtics

- I greatly enjoyed watching the Rose vs. Rondo duel for "Best PG whose name begins with an R."

- Bennett Salvatore is a horrible official. As questionable as some of the calls were in our game, I thank God that we didn't have Salvy, Eddie Rush and Mike Smith (the Cerberus of horrendous officiating) calling our game.

- LOTTA douchey Neo-Boston "fans" packin' the TD BANKNORTH FLEET AMERICAN EXPRESS WHATEVER THE BUILDING IS CALLED NOW.

- Derrick Rose is a freak of nature.

- STARBURY!!!!!11

- What's worse than having Vinny Del Negro as a head coach? Why, having Del Harris as an assistant coach, that's what!

- Tyrus Thomas is the new Travis Outlaw. I had a freaking heart attack every time that man touched the ball in the fourth quarter.

- Absolutely abysmal post-game interview with Rose by Nancy Lieberman. Just...EPIC how bad that was. I award her no points, and may God have mercy on her soul.

Pistons at Cavs

- I have to admit that Mo Williams has a pretty stroke. He's the new Derek Fisher. Damn him.

- In Van Gundy's fantasy "Superstars '09" competition, I think that LeBron would finish in the top three of every single event. Sprints, high jump, discus, tug-of-war, cow milking, whatever. BronBron's going to win the damn thing, OK?

- The Cavs are taking that series in four games. Any doubt in my mind was removed after today's performance.

Sidenote:

Jalen Rose is terrible at his job. While describing Paul Pierce's potentially game-winning free throw, he busted out something along these lines:

"Yeah, you don't want to over-analyze too much after the fact, but if Paul makes that free throw, then it's probably over."

Really? You think so? Think they would have been safe being up one with two seconds on the clock with Chicago totally out of time outs (Nice one, Vinny!)?

Jalen Rose: pretty good ballplayer, woefully bad studio analyst.

Mavs at Spurs

- Methinks the aging Spurs are running on fumes at this point. I'm not counting them out of the series, but they looked tired in the second half.

- How exactly do you get beat by Dirk off the dribble, anyway? Wear concrete shoes? Eat a lunch composed entirely of ball bearings and buttermilk pancakes? Matt Bonner, I'm sorry man, but that's like losing a foot race to James Gandolfini. Shame on you.

- JJ Barea is now offically nicknamed Speedy Gonzalez. No room for discussion on this one.

- I have a feeling the Mavs absolutely CRANKED some Hoff in the locker room during halftime. Think about it.

Well, that's it for now, maniacs. Lick those wounds and heal up for Tuesday. Come back strong, and we'll make it a series. Also, stay tuned for coverage of tomorrow's matchups.

RIP CITY

Houston, we have a problem, and other cliches

2009-04-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

At approximately 7:27 PST on Wednesday, I was a happy man.

I had just watched the Dallas Mavericks recover from a 14-point second half deficit behind the fourth-quarter shenanigans of Jason Terry to defeat the Rockets in the final game of the regular season. A few minutes earlier, I had watched an ESPN in-game update showing Chris Paul dishing a ridiculous spin move assist to David West which put the Hornets up 5 with less than a minute to go. I giddily began sending out celebratory text messages to the tune of: "Lakers don't want us in the second round? Try the WCF!!"

My bad, guys.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. A 54-28 record, home court in the first round, and the first Blazer playoff run in six years seemed a far cry from reality a few month ago. It was just that, for the moments before I saw that cursed tying three by Michael from Lost (Why are you hitting threes? Walt just ran off into the jungle after his dog! Go tell Locke to stay away from your boy!) I was looking forward to playing the New Orleans Hornets.

Alas, it was not to be. Instead, the Blazers will face the formidable Houston Rockets in the round one, leading us at Kobestoppers to question...

What if the 08-09 Houston Rockets remade Apollo 13?

Let's start at the start here. No matter how epic of a storyline a movie may have, no matter how skilled a director may be, no matter how effective an ad campaign is, every great blockbuster film and basketball team needs a star. For Houston, that star is:

Yao Ming as Captain Jim Lovell

The similarities between Yao and Tom Hanks’ character Jim Lovell are almost eerie. Both are perfect captains to spearhead a mission to the moon or the NBA title. Both have spent endless hours dreaming of their ultimate goals and training for those moments. Both are fantastic team players who simultaneously motivate, coach, and reassure their teammates. Both have gigantic, square heads and a 7’5” wingspan.

The point is, there is no one better suited for leader of this mission than Yao.

Averages: 19.7 points, 9.9 rebounds, 1.95 blocks, 55% from the field, 87% from the line, 34 mpg.

Now they just have to find a spacesuit that will fit him…

Tracy McGrady as Ken Mattingly

Two days before the launch of Apollo 13, the crew was shocked by the news that Ken Mattingly had been exposed to German measles. Despite Mattingly's attempts to overrule the doctors, his place on the mission was eventually given to Jack Swigert (see below) and Mattingly was forced to provide aid to the astronauts from the NASA base in Houston.

Remind you of anyone?

Tracy McGrady is the perfect fit to play the role of the unfortunate crew member who was unable to help his crew on their mission.

Ron Artest as Jack Swigert

A late addition to the squad, Ron Artest is built for the role of Jack Swigert. Not only does "Swigert" sound like something Ron-Ron would croon about in one of his songs (DJ Swigert, anyone?), but Swigert is also the character asked to stir the cryogenic oxygen tanks, which leads to the explosion which rocks the ship, ultimately dooming its initial intent to land on the moon and endangering the entire crew.

Could Artest stir the Rockets' proverbial cryogenic oxygen tanks, sending them into a dangerous tailspin? Time will tell.

Shane Battier as Fred Haise

Like Battier's game, Fred Haise is soft-spoken and mild-mannered. Haise is meticulous and excellent at what he does, but the results of his work often go underappreciated. He's the perfect compliment to Jack Swigert, although the two of them may butt heads in terms of style (such as when "in a fit of rage, Haise chastizes Swigert's relative inexperience as the cause of the accident").

When these two personalities can work together, they can make magic on the court and on the screen. When they clash, sparks (and points for the other team) fly.

Rick Adelman as Gene Kranz

Flight director Kranz is the architect and taskmaster for Apollo 13. He prepares the astronauts for their mission pre-launch and is their main source of communication once things go awry. An expert at keeping control of a situation and juggling multiple personalities at once, Kranz's own temper has been known to flare up at times. That said, no one doubts this man's experience and leadership in the clutch.

Aaron Brooks as Barbara Lovell

and

Luis Scola as Marilyn Lovell

There are no real parallels between these last two, other than Luis Scola looks kind of like a girl with horrid facial hair and they both look funny with their faces pasted on women's bodies. OK? Sheesh...cut us some slack.

Semi-Serious Analysis
by BladeTron6000

Oh, you thought that was all? Not even close my friends. Can you believe we're back in the playoffs??? I'm absolutely losing my freaking mind over this. My excitement level is such that I've actually been peeing fire for the past 31 hours. I would go to a doctor, but I'm secretly hoping that this is a new God-given superpower bestowed upon me in response to my rabid Blazer fandom over the years.

Anyway, I've been discussing our opponents for Saturday with my friend (and occasional easy lover) Striker, and we've put together the most comprehensive playoff preview post this side of Blazers Edge.

Actually, I'm going to ramble about the Rockets for like 300 words, and then we're just going to screw around for the rest of the time. What? You were expecting something different?

The Rockets are an athletic squad that we've matched up poorly against in the past. Yao always gives us trouble inside, and Ron Artest typically causes problems for Brandon on the perimeter. There are a few keys to success that we must follow in order to win the series. They are as follows:

1) Box the EFF out

Houston is not a lights-out shooting team from three, but they will absolutely murder you if you give them second chances at the rim. Lost rebounds translates to defensive confusion translates to open looks. This cannot happen. Do not let Luis “See, I’m much better than Fabricio Oberto” Scola beat you.

2) Protect the paint

Houston is most dangerous when getting to the rim. Make them chuck it from the cheap seats with a hand in their grill. This goes for everybody but Battier, Barry and the bigs (obviously). Wafer and AB can be dangerous if they get hot from outside, but I’ll take my chances considering both those guys can run a suicide in about 3.1 seconds.

3) Be strong with the ball

No matter what’s working for us, we have to hold on to that rock. Whether we’re ice cold from outside and trying to make a living at the line, or we’re having success with the drive-and-kick game, Houston is going to slapping at our arms. It’s the playoffs, fellas. Expect this physical team to get even more physical, possibly resulting in “Mean” Chuck Hayes pulling an Ariza on Sergio.

Sidenote: Seriously, doesn’t Chuck remind you of an old school bad-guy pro wrestler? I keep expecting him to walk out on the road scowling at fans and then finish off some poor small forward with a heart-punch. He’s like the Bad News Brown of the Western Conference. I want him to form a tag team with Reggie Evans called the Ghetto Blasters. Oh, was that mildly racist? Oops. My bad.

Hang on to the ball and don’t expect whistles. Go strong to the rack and don’t take no guff off nobody.

4) Take ‘em deep

We have enough energetic youths on standby to conduct a Presidential fitness test at halftime, so why not push the pace? Especially at home, we should have Houston sucking wind by the second period and feeling like they donated a lung to charity when the final whistle blows. There’s no way they can match up with us athletically. Not that Chuck Hayes and Carl Landry aren’t fine specimens or anything. It’s just a different kind of athleticism. When Chuck climbs between those ropes, you KNOW somebody’s going to get choke-slammed. It’s a given. He’s a dominator, a high-impact – oh, damn. I did it again, didn’t I? Crap. My apologies, everybody. Last time, I promise.

5) Help Brandon, and win Game 1

This is probably the most important of the keys. We’re braving new territory as a team, and our supporting cast can’t afford to shrink from the moment. The Natural’s going to have either A) RonRon or B) Battier guarding him for the entire series. That is an absolute nightmare for anybody not named LeBron. Everybody needs to step it up:

- L-Train, I’m looking at you, buddy. You can shoot over anybody they’re going to put in front of you.

- Travis, you’re most likely going to draw Von Wafer. Break him.

- Nicky, it’s time for you to show everybody why you’re the next Scottie. Fly around on D and wreak some havoc. Unleash the Dragon Emperor.

- Greg and Pryz, I got two words for you guys: bash brothers.

- Serge and Stevesie, move that ball. Stagnation in the half court means Brandon firing one up with the shot clock winding down. Not cool beans. Take control of the game and manage the offense.

- Rudy, get your feet set and let it fly, amigo.

- Channing, replicate your performance from Wednesday, and I will personally see to it that you get at least 10 minutes of run.

If we can win Game 1, I think we've got the series locked up. Game 1 will tell us the story of the series.

6) Rick Adelman’s facial hair

OK, forget what I said about number five being the most important. Adelman knows what to expect from the Rose Garden faithful come playoff time. He knows we have that all-important edge, which is why I fear he’ll try to even the score by bringing back the vaunted mustache that led Portland to two NBA finals appearances. God help us if that happens. Pray to The Schonz it does not.

PLUS SOME ROCKETS LINKS?! NO WAY!

Chuck Hayes's free throws : Basketball :: Charles Barkley's golf swing : Golf

I couldn't watch this all the way through either, but it's worth it to just skip to 0:51 for Scola and 1:15 for Mutumbo

Aaron Brooks does a surprisingly good Dikembe Mutumbo

Quality shot selection leads to buckets. That's what I believe.

RonRon's got Old Greg's back, baby. That's respect, right there. Real talk.

Ron Artest: rapper, vocalist, crazy person.

PLUS YEAR-END AWARDS?! WHAT ARE WE, CRAZY?!?!!

The Daniel Laruso We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore Award: Joel Przybilla

The Bret Michaels Oh Wait He Can’t Actually Sing Or Play Guitar Award: Beno Udrih/Marko Jaric

The David Wooderson Making That Face Does Not Change The Fact That You Hang Out With High School Girls Award: Chris Andersen

And we'll leave you maniacs with this link, which has been making the rounds.

PLAYOFFS BABY! GET FIRED UP!!!

A Post Portraying Potential Playoff Previews: The Phoenix Suns

2009-03-28T06:40:00.000-07:00

Listen up, maniacs, cause it's time for the next installment of the Kobestoppers' playoff previews. Next up on the list:

The Phoenix Suns

Ok, first things first. I'm gonna come clean. When Mike and I first conceived to write about each of the potential playoff teams in the West, we weren't sure whether or not to include the Suns. Amar'e had just lost sight of the rest of his season, Nash seemed generally unhappy, and while the Shaq Daddy was doing his thang, it was unclear whether or not the doing of his thang coincided with the Suns doing their thang.

Needless to say, things have changed.

Although the Blazers crushed the Suns 129-109 on Thursday night, the Suns have been on a tear of late. After dropping 7 out of 9, the Suns were on a 6-game winning streak before visiting the Rose Garden. As of today, the Suns sport a record of 40-32, putting them 3 games behind eighth-place Dallas. The Suns are coached by Mike D'An...er...Terry Po...er...Alvin Gentry.

Starting Lineup

PG – Steve Nash

What can you say about Stevie Nash? He’s a special talent. He commands respect as a floor general and a teammate. He’s everything good about the game of basketball. He’s one of my favorite players of all time. There isn’t a time when the ball is in his hands that I’m not worried about my beloved Blazers looking foolish.

Yes, to answer your question, I’ve asked him out on several occasions, but for some reason he hasn’t returned any of my calls.

While still a brilliant distributor on the fast break and off dribble penetration in the half court, Nashy has been infected and gradually displaying symptoms of JasonKidditis for the last two years. Nash’s back problems have limited his production in even his most prolific seasons (see back-to-back MVPs, pg. 398), and it’s only a matter of time before those tender vertebrae finally give out on him. Let's face it; in two years he’s going to be the new face of the NWBA.

At the moment, however, he’s still the third-best point guard in basketball – at least, that’s what we Nash fans keep telling ourselves. The fact is, bad back or no, Nash defends the ball about as well as Bill Shatner sings The Beatles. When we have the ball, he’s easily exploitable, either by putting the ball on the floor or by posting him up if we have a mismatch. The one time we do not need to worry about Steve Nash is when he’s on D.

The letter O, however is much more dangerous for us in regard to Nashy. Clearly, my time-tested strategy against nearsighted point guards who couldn’t throw a golf ball into a swimming pool is not applicable to Nash. No, I’m afraid that Old Stevie can pour it in from just about anywhere on the court. He’s also just as good off the dribble as he is at spotting up, so there’s no use in trying to crowd him. In fact that’s probably worse, because if he gets by his defender, suddenly it’s a five-on-four break, and he always finds the open man.

The way to neutralize Nash in the half court is to keep the ball out of his hands. Once he gives it up, deny the HELL out of that passing lane. If he works hard enough to get a catch, force him baseline and keep your head on a swivel (and pray. Don’t forget to pray). If Nash’s touches are limited, Phoenix’s offense won’t run as smoothly and they will commit more turnovers. Naturally, Richardson and Shaq Fu are going to get plenty of looks in isolation, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s perfect. As long as Nash isn’t wheeling and dealing all over our faces and providing Louis “I look exactly like Dan from Street Fighter” Amundson with easy looks at the rim, they aren’t going to score 160 points, and we’ll be in the game.

And for the love of God, get back on defense after missed shots. I feel like I’m kicking a dead horse here, but I know that all the players who read this sometimes forget. No worries, famous ballplayers who know who I am, I’ve got you covered. Just don’t blame me if Nate screams at you guys for allowing 61 fast-break points.

SG - Jason Richardson

Remember that dunk contest that J-Rich won with that gnarly off-the-glass-between-the-legs-neofunkatronicslammajamma with extra butter and syrup?

Yeah, me neither. Which leads me to my next point:

Richardson is pure scorer. A hired gun. Someone who has a freakishly impressive ability to put the ball in the hole from anywhere on the court. Consistency, however, is not one of his trademarks. Neither is defense. Neither is clutch play. This isn’t a dig at him, but there are a half dozen other players in the league just like him (some without so many miles on the odometer, either). He is a scoring threat, yes, but he is your formulaic, hyper-athletic, leaper/slasher with a tendency to take bad shots because of either an inflated ego or a mental breakdown. J-Rich may be a newer model, but he comes from the same old superstar factory:

Jason Richardson, Richard Jefferson, Tracy McGrady, Vince Carter, Steve Francis, and now in OJ Mayo! Only one easy payment of $86 million! Call now!

Okay, Mike, that’s enough. They get it.

If I were Nate (which I am), I’d throw Brandon on him, unless Barbosa is still hurt come playoff time. Then go ahead and let Nic shut him down, all the while out-rebounding and out-hustling the talented but weary veteran.

One last thing. If I’ve offended any Jason Richardson fans with what I wrote, I’d just like to say…too damn bad. It’s the truth. Learn to deal.

F - Matt Barnes

Barnes is the latest addition to the Suns roster for the 08-09 season. Along with being covered with stupid-looking tattoos, Matt Barnes is a strong rebounder, a decent three-point shooter, and a passable ball-handler. Barnes is averaging a career-high in points (10.4), assists (2.8), rebounds (5.4), and minutes (27.2). After shooting an unimpressive 29.3% from behind the arc last year, Barnes is shooting 33.9% from three with the Suns this year. No doubt this drastic increase in numbers is mostly due to his increased usage and the beneficial Phoenix system, but it's also clear that Barnes is having the best season of his six years in the NBA.

Barnes is also one of the only Suns besides Shaq who'll hit the glass on the offensive end, so be wary.

F - Grant Hill

Grant Hill might have been one of the ten best players to ever lace 'em up were it not for recurring injuries. His pro career has been filled with diappointment, not because of his lack of ability to play at the pro level (watch some tape of his career in Detroit before he got hurt), but rather due to his inability to actually stay on the court.

At this point, he's brittle and broken down. Like Jason Kidd, the player with which he shared the Rookie of the Year award so many moons ago, Hill's lateral movement and overall mobility are now limited. Unlike Kidd, however, Hill has still retained some of his defensive abilities in spite of his weary joints. However, if Gentry continues to be content with putting Hill on Brandon, we're in for candy cane smiles and lolly pop high-fives for four to six games.

Offensively, Hill is ordinary. Play him straight up and don't give him anything easy (see open three-pointers off cross court passes, pg. 12). He still possesses one hell of a basketball IQ, though, so watch out for backdoor cutters when he has the ball.

C – Shaquille O’Neal

I can’t think of a ballplayer who’s made me laugh or cry more than the original Superman. He broke my 11-year old heart when he left Orlando and Penny Hardaway in order to join the LA Motherf***ing Lakers, and he literally brought me to tears when he caught that alley-oop from a driving Kobe in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals. I will never forgive him for either of those most grievous of offenses.

On the flip side, may I present to the court exhibit B:

The Big Aristotle
The Big Chamberneezy
Jabbawockeez robot dance at the all-star game
Dance off versus Lebron and D. Howard at last year’s all-star game
The Corleone brothers analogy
“The Great” Pat Riley
“No, but I would with your wife.”
The Big Cactus
“How did you get so many ‘Q’s?”
“HEY. KOBE. TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES.”

Yes, truly Shaq has had a career for the ages. Years ago (while spitting out a few sour grapes along with my opinion) I refused to give the Diesel any credit, stating that the only reason for his dominance was his size and lack of skilled competition. Upon further consideration, I’ve decided that I was an idiot. Shaq has to be a top-10 big man of all time. His size makes him tough to guard, but his adaptability throughout his career is what makes him a future hall-of-famer. From Orlando to LA to Miami to Phoenix, the Shaqtus has embraced the natural changes in his body and adapted his game accordingly, always playing to his strengths.

At this stage in his career, I’d equate him to an old George Foreman. He might not be the quickest guy up the floor, and he may not be able to play the same extended minutes he used to, but he’s still got power in that right hand. Shaq beats you up mentally even more than he does physically down low. Think it’s an accident that he calls for the ball whenever an opposing team is making a run? Can you think of a play more devastating to your team’s morale than when Shaq spins baseline and tears the rim down, all while shaking off three of your boys?

You know the sound that play makes – that horrible dunking sound, like somebody slammed a car door on your pinky finger – the whiny, irritating, squealing whistle emanating from Bennett Salvatore’s plump, incompetent lips, prophesizing the cruel but inevitable opportunity for a three-point-play – the deflated groans echoing throughout your arena and your living room, as if everybody you loved got punched in the gut all at once.

It is the worst feeling in the entire world.

Just as Ray Allen, another over-the-hill superstar, can swing the momentum in his team’s favor with a big three-pointer, so too can the eldest son of Jor-El alter the course of any game by sheer will.

So don’t let him. Pryz, Greg, this one’s on you two. I know it’s a tough assignment, but there are ways to weather the storm. Mix it up against him. Overplay one shoulder, then the other, but always be wary of his drop step to his right, especially if he’s on the left block. If he wants to shoot jump hooks over that left shoulder all day, that’s fine. Go right ahead, Mr. O’Neal. That’s his jab. We can take a lot of those without falling into trouble. But if he catches us with that overhand right, i.e. that baseline spin to his right, it could cause the entire team to lose concentration on the road and cost us the game.

If you think I’m overstating the importance of psychology and momentum as it pertains to pro basketball…well, actually, you’re probably right. I am.

But what can I say? I’m paranoid about this s***.

Double Shaq if you have to. Keep him off the offensive boards. Greg, you better beat that old man up the floor if we’ve got numbers.

There. Feel better?

Bench

G- Leandro Barbosa

Barbosa is one of the quickest and and most exciting open court players in the NBA. Really, you couldn't ask for a better complement to Nash in the Phoenix system (both when Nash is on the court and when he isn't) than Barbosa. He can shoot from range and can get to the rim from half court faster than the Millennium Falcon can finish the Kessel Run. If he’s healthy, he’s a deadly weapon, which is why I vote we Pippen his ass with our boy Nic. I’d go into further detail, but come on, you’ve seen Nic’s D. All we gotta do is say, “Sic ’em” and grab our popcorn.

C - Robin Lopez

Do not make the mistake of asking Robin Lopez to sign a copy of “From Justin to Kelly.” He, uh, doesn’t appreciate that too much. I’d say the same rules apply for Robin as they do for Shaq, but that would make me a liar. Block this douchebag’s shots, Greg. Block a lot of them.

G - Goran Dragic

Is it just me, or does Goran Dragic sound a little TOO similar to Ivan Drago? I’m just sayin’. Anyway, take away his left hand. If he can go right, it’ll be news to me.

F - Louis Amundson

Box this guy out. Amundson is the Suns' Mark Madsen, specializing in both hustling after loose balls and being ugly. Offensive rebounding is the only stat that matters when talking about Dan from Street Fighter. True, his uppercut might be total crap, and his hadoken might be best described as "fruity-tooty," but that doesn't mean he can't score from six inches out. So keep him off the glass.

G/F - Alando Tucker

Dangerous player, here, friends. Just because he hasn't played much in the big leagues yet does not mean that this former Big Ten player of the year can't open up if given the opportunity. While he's not yet ready for prime time on a consistent basis, Tucker can hurt you if you underestimate his athleticism.

Sidenote: I'm personally hoping that Tucker eventually becomes a billionaire and buys the Orlando franchise, rechristening them the Alando Magic. Their team logo would be created by combining these two images.

Before we wrap up, I'd like to make a few general observations about the Suns' strengths and weaknesses as a potential playoff opponent.

1) The Suns are one of the few teams in basketball actually worse than we are at defending the pick and roll. Exploit that.

2) Sometimes the Suns will switch to a crappy, slow-rotating zone, because for some reason Alvin Gentry thinks that by doing so, he will make his team look less decrepit on D. When this happens, move the ball, bust them threes, and crash the offensive glass. Even if we're shooting a low percentage, we should get enough extra looks to cancel that out.

3) Because Phoenix wants to run so badly (and hates playing defense more than I hate listening to Klaus Nomi), the Daddy is the only Sun to really crash the glass. Most teams release one or two players to start the break. Phoenix typically releases three or four. This should translate to easy offensive boards, even if we're committed to getting back on D after misses.

4) Since Phoenix plays at such a high tempo, and they're constantly running cutters to the basket both off the break and in the half court, it's pretty easy to run on them. While I wouldn't suggest making a habit of it, there are definitely opportunities to get easy buckets against this team if you run with them selectively.

We took advantage of all of these observations on Thursday, and we came a way with a win. I assure you, it was not coincidence.

That's all we got, maniacs. Stay tuned for our Utah preview. Kirk out.

Quick Update: Blazers 129, Suns 109

2009-03-27T05:12:00.000-07:00

"I'll tell you what, bro. After thees game, we are so TOTALLY going back to my creeb and watching de Transporter 2! Zimas are on Sergio!"

Need more really be said?

Stay tuned for the increasingly unlikely but nonetheless amusing Blazers v. Suns playoff preview.

A Post Portraying Potential Playoff Previews: The Dallas Mavericks

2009-03-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

Here we go, folks: the first of our incredibly well-reasoned, implacably intelligent, and undeniably accurate peeks at teams that the Blazers could potentially see in the first round of the playoffs. Fortunately for you maniacs, the Western Conference playoff race is tighter than the rubber band the Birdman ties off with while shooting heroin*, so that pretty much means a preview of every seed in the West, and maybe even Phoenix if it comes down to the wire. Sidenote: Before we get started, I must apologize for an egregious misprint in Mike's most recent links post. I believe it was

Can you say flying, spinning piledriver? Cause Joe sure can. He knows how to spell that one backwards and forwards after that Soviet beatdown I laid on his candy ass with Zangief.

Mike has since rescinded this comment, after I laid multiple flash kick - double flash kick - ultra flash kick combos on his face with Guile's size 14 combat boots. All is forgiven, Blade. And now, onto...

...The Dallas Mavericks

The Mavericks (as of this moment) sport a 41-28 record, putting them at 8th in the Western Conference (for now, they will probably go up-down-up-up-down-down for the next month). They are coached by Rick Carlisle, who is known for having deliciously well-groomed hair and looking disturbingly like Jim Carrey.

The Mavs are "offensively oriented," which is a phrase I just made up meaning they win their games with their offense. They are eighth in offensive efficiency and eighth in assist ratio. Basically, they win by scoring more than you, not by limiting your scoring. They are however, an excellent defensive rebounding team, so they will limit your second-chance opportunities.

Now, onto the starting lineup:

Starting Lineup:

Before I get going here, I’d like to mention that Joe’s flashkick combo was, for the most part, blocked. Believe me, it caught a lot of shoulder and elbow, but not much else. My hurricane kick/fierce uppercut/super hadoken combo, however, landed flush to the face of the poor major, causing him to crash to the ground and begin whimpering something that was generally unintelligible save for the name “Charlie.” Guess that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy only applies to soldiers who haven’t been soul-raped by Ryu. Good to know.

Unrelated to Blade being a superior Street Fighter to Striker, I still can’t get over this photo mash-up:
The Lloyd Christmas comparison is definitely the best. Seriously, what does Carlisle think when he gets up every morning and looks himself in the mirror? Does he have a mini identity crisis before he realizes that it wasn’t actually him in Bruce Almighty? I bet he breaks into the Ace Ventura voice every now and then without realizing it before crumpling in a heap and bawling his eyes out, cursing the god that made him so. Ten bucks says there’s a sign on the Maverick’s locker room door that says “Your coach is NOT Jim Carrey. Please do not ask for autographs.”

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd that’s all the “Rick Carlisle is Jim Carrey” jokes I’ve got. So sad, I know.

Now, about those Dallas Mavericks: they’ve got a starting lineup, and we’re gonna break it down for you.

PG – Jason Kidd

Hey, you remember this guy? He’s dead. Buried. Long gone. There was a time when Jason Kidd was the most feared floor general in the game. But as he often does, Father Time took a basketball magician and turned him into a mere mortal. While never an elite shooter, ten years ago Kidd was a surgeon on the fast break. Three-on-two situations might as well have been three-on-zero when Kidd had the ball in his hands. Jamal Mashburn, Kenyon Martin, Richard Jefferson, and Kerry Kittles, all of you should call Jason Kidd on a weekly basis and thank him for making you all look like all-stars and scoring you more dough than you were actually worth. Yes, in his prime, Kidd even made Keith Van Horn look like a real basketball player.

But that time has passed. Today, Kidd is still an excellent distributor in the half court, but his fast break attack is but a shell of what it used to be. He’s still a great rebounder for his size, and I can’t think of a smarter player in the league, but he no longer has the physical tools to dominate the ebb and flow of the ballgame. The Mavs like to run a pick-and-roll for him at the top of the key while they run Dirk off screens away from the ball. Kidd can be dangerous off the pick, but only as a passer. As a spot up shooter, he’s mediocre at best. But off the dribble, Kidd couldn’t hit a 20-footer if the basket were four feet in diameter.

This is why we should employ what I like to call “The Rondo Strategy” against him. The plan is simple: slide under every single ball screen they set for Jason Kidd. Dare him to shoot. MAKE him shoot. No, don’t switch when the pick comes. I know we like to do that (actually, we’re usually so bad at defending the pick and roll that we have no other option), but we REALLY don’t need to when Kidd has the ball in his hands (which is the majority of the time if Dirk doesn’t have it in isolation).

Part two is equally simple: keep Kidd off the boards. That’s it. If you don’t, I guarantee he’ll sneak in there with what little voodoo he has left in the tank and steal 11 rebounds before you realize what happened. Even worse, one of those boards will probably come on a crucial possession that gives his team a second chance to win the game or something.

So again, to summarize: Slide under picks. Box him out. Ballgame.

SG - Antoine Wright

Erm...gulp...I would say I don't know much about Antoine Wright's game, but really I think it's that there's not much there. For a guy drafted as a scoring 2-guard, he sure doesn't do much scoring. Instead he has found a niche in the Mavs starting lineup as a defensive specialist. He's long and tall for a shooting guard (6'7") and moves well within Dallas' defensive sets. Ideally he takes pressure off of the now slow-footed Jason Kidd through the first half, and then keeps Jason Terry's seat warm on the bench for the rest of the ballgame. Offensively he certainly won't create any opportunites for himself and is only a mediocre spot-up shooter.

SF – Josh Howard

Howard has been plagued by an ankle injury that caused him to miss 11 games earlier in the season and has kept him off the floor for nearly all of March. Word is, there’s a good chance he’ll miss the rest of the month. Now, as Blazers fans, we’re INTIMATELY familiar with the injury-speak that often comes from training staffs. With that in mind, I think it’s realistic to at least entertain the idea of Howard either sitting on the bench or being rendered ineffective by the still-painful ankle come playoff time.

That’s what I’m calling Plan A. Josh Howard’s ankle pulls a Martell and conveniently decides to stay broken. What’s Plan B, you ask? Well, that’s easy:

We Bruce Bowen his ass. OK, Nic, here’s what you do. Wait for him to spot up for that 18-footer he likes so much, and while he’s still in the air, “accidentally” slide underneath him so he comes down on your foot. Problem solved.

Hey, did I ever tell you guys about how I hate Bruce Bowen even more than I hate the majority of my extended family? No? Oh. Well, I do.

If J-How is healthy come playoff time, my serious Plan B goes something like this: sick Nic on him like a pit bull on a chipmunk. Howard is pretty good off the bounce, but his mid-range J is an even bigger threat. Nic needs to smother him and if at all possible deny him the catch in the first place. If he does get by Nicolas, other defenders (no, not just Joel. You know, our OTHER players…) need to help out. Howard is a talented scorer, but he’s not going to find the open man every time when our help stops his dribble drive. Most importantly, no matter how we do it, we need to hold him to under 20 every game. Why? Check out this excerpt from his Wikipedia page:

Over the last two seasons the Mavs are 37-2 when Howard scores 20 or more points.

If that’s true (and I’m pretty sure it is. Wikipedia is monitored by Jesus), then our mission is clear. All we gotta do is go out there and execute.

PF - Dirk Nowitzki

Ah, Dirk. If Kidd is the brain stem of the team, and Josh Howard and Jason Terry are the genitals, Dirk is the backbone, spinal column, corpus callosum, and probably the left foot, too. Dirk has been the face of the Mavericks franchise for nearly ten years, and for good reason. Not only is the 30-year old, 7-foot Übermensch one of the most unstoppable scorers in the NBA, he has become efficient and consistent, adding 8.4 rebounds and 2.5 assists to go with his 25.5 points per game. What the Blazers witnessed firsthand in their three meetings with the Mavericks this year is that Dirk can make himself essentially unguardable.

The Mavericks fourth quarter offense is basically this:

The high pick and pop with Jason Terry and Dirk, leads to

a) Defenders switching on the pick and Dirk shooting over the defending PG from the free throw line, resulting in a semi-disturbing fist-pump, pulling of the jersey down to his crotch, and weird baring of the teeth,
or
b) Defenders not switching, giving the superfast Jason Terry a wide open path to the basket/jumpshot, resulting in an incredibly lame flying bird pantomime which I shall from now on call "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" (good band name),
or
c) If the defenders run through the screen, the Mavs give it to Dirk in isolation and let him do an impossible spin-move jump shot which he makes approximately 84% of the time.

These are not good options, mainly because the Blazers struggle mightily against the pick and roll. In previous meetings, Coach Nate has tried various defenders on Dirk, including Przybilla. This experiment did not work, as it appears than Joel's relationship with the basket is similar to Superman's with the sun: the farther he gets from it, the weaker he becomes. Fortunately, Striker has the solution: LaMarcus Aldridge.

LaMarcus matches up perfectly against Dirk on the defensive end. Dirk likes to step outside and shoot the jumpshot? LMA can do that. Dirk is 7-feet tall and shoots from above his head? LMA is 6'11" with a 7'5" wingspan, he can do that. Dirk enjoys reading and playing the saxophone? Better bring an extra set of reeds.

If the Blazers put Aldridge on Dirk and Batum on Terry in the fourth quarter, they should be able to effectively counter any of a), b), or c) above. Even if they switch, Batum is long enough to challenge Dirk's jumper, and LMA has quick enough feet to at least slow Terry down and wait for help.

C – Erik Dampier

I know what you’re thinking. How could we POSSIBLY hope to contain the former self-proclaimed greatest center in the Western Conference?

The short answer? We can’t. It’s not a feasible option. Big Damp Dawg goes where he wants when he wants, and you better pray to GOD that you don’t happen to be in the way.

OK, look. While it’s sad that Dampier suffers from Channing Frye’s giant-body-baby-head disease, that doesn’t excuse his lack of offensive skills. It doesn’t take a genius to see that Damp gets most of his points from put-backs after offensive boards and the occasional dunk after a poorly defended pick and roll. If we’re committed to sliding under that ball screen when Kidd has the pill (which we should be), Erika should have zero room to catch and score off the roll to the hoop. Put a body on him on shot attempts and that should be a rap. If he wants to shoot an eight-footer, for the love of God, LET HIM.

One last thing. While generally a slow-moving, uncoordinated sloth beast, on the defensive end, Dampier is actually a half-decent shot blocker. Now, normally I’d say that we should still be aggressive and go to the basket in the hopes of forcing the big man’s hand and putting him in foul trouble. However, since a Dampier exit usually produces a Brandon Bass appearance, maybe we should take a page from Frank Costanza, stop short, and toss in some five-foot floaters in the lane. More explanation will be given in the upcoming Bench section.

No, I know. You’re totally, like, BRISTLING with anticipation. Try not to pass out.

Bench:

The scariest thing about the Dallas bench is that Jason Terry sits on it. A consensus top-3 sixth man in the league, Jason Terry is one of those bench players that comes off the bench, not because he is not starter-quality, but to provide that spark in the middle of the first quarter (a la Ginobili). The Mavs' second leading scorer at 19.8 points and 3.6 assists, he takes over the major ball-handling responsibilities in the fourth quarter (we've already discussed the Mavs late-game offense) and is well known for "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" after he scores a clutch bucket. I guess the maneuver is a reference to the fact that he looks like a bird? I don't know. Putting Nic Batum or Roy on him in the fourth quarter would be our best bet to prevent this atrocity.

The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime!
(A little research has discovered that Jason Terry in fact calls himself "JET," so I assume this retarded-looking celebration is a reference to that. Too bad, I'm not changing the name.)

Let it be known: Here at Kobestoppers we HATE JJ Barea. With a fiery passion. Maybe this is because he seems to go 6-9 from the field with 6 assists and 9 rebounds every time we play them. For some reason (Sergio? Bayless?) our second unit allows Barea to get approximately 4 offensive rebounds against us. This is unacceptable. The Mavs are an excellent defensive rebounding team, but that does not excuse long offensive rebounds by their backup PG. Put a body on him on the glass and get in his face when he spots up and Barea should be no problem.

Brandon Bass is an oversized PF that actually has decent range (especially from the baseline). He rebounds just as well as Dampier, probably blocks shots just as well, and has a habit of playing out of his MIND against us.

The rest of the bench includes guys named Jerry, Devean, Matt, and Ryan. No, they aren't quirky roommates from the latest CBS sitcom, they are basketball players. Just not very good ones. Don't let 'em beat you.

Also worth noting is the fact that, while the Mavs have been consistently relevant within the Western Conference for the last 8 years, they have shown the inability to win big games. From their epic collapse in the Finals against D-Wade and the Miami Officials...er..Heat in 2006 to their shocking upset by eighth-seeded Golden State in 2007, the Mavericks have never quite gotten over that hump to become an elite team.

Can they pull off an eighth-seed upset of their own over the Lakers?

*Help provided on this quote from Kobestopper Adam, and I promised I would publish this original artistic piece for him in return:

Listen up blondes, brunettes and bald people,
one of Chris Andersen's parents is a bald eagle.
and the other happens to be a fire breathing dragon,
he was kicked out the NBA but now he's back on the wagon.
He took "birdman" instead of "bird-dragon man" because it's easier to say,
he was hatched from an egg 477 years ago to this day.
That might seem just a tad bit old for ya,
but that's the truth, and he hatched in eastern Mongolia.
He plays basketball at a mile high pace,
and last week he smashed a basketball into Rudy Fernandez's face.

Young Nicolas' Movie Career

2009-03-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

Nicolas BaTOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR:

Batum checks in:

Saturday Nicolas Fever:

And he begins his video game career with BATUM RAIDER:

Links! Basketball Links!

2009-03-05T16:18:00.000-08:00

What's up, maniacs?

After a little break, I'm happy to announce that the Kobestoppers are back in full swing. Both Striker and I apologize for our lack of updates these past two weeks, but in our defense, we had a LOT of Street Fighter IV to play. Can you say flying, spinning piledriver? Cause Joe sure can. He knows how to spell that one backwards and forwards after that Soviet beatdown I laid on his candy ass with Zangief.

Anyway, I figure that there's no better way to get back into the swing of things than with some Basketball Links. So come on, kids. Jump on the magic bus and start wasting even more time at work.

LA Kobe/Cleveland LeBron makeout session

Just in case you needed another reason to hate these two. Remember when rival players used to show animosity toward each other? Since I've already linked to the McHale/Rambis clothesline clip several times, I'll spare you guys this once. My point is, nowadays it's like everybody has that Magic/Isiah pregame hug/kiss routine going on. Remember last year when LeBron and Paul Pierce both exploded for like 40+ in their playoff series against each other? Didn't it seem like both of them were congratulating each other AS IT WAS HAPPENING? Smiling, high-fiving, essentially letting everyone know that, "Hey, we're happy we're both doing well for our respective teams!"

You know what MJ would have done? He would have stared the other guy down, demanded to guard him, and said, "Look, I don't know exactly what you think you're doing here, but there is no f***ing way you're outplaying me tonight."

The NBA: Where awesome crap like that used to happen.

"Kemp all over that rebound like a bad suit."

Speaking of awesome stuff that used to happen, check out this Shawn Kemp Top 10 Dunks clip. I've reviewed it approximately 200 times, and both Striker and I agree that this is the most impressive Top 10 Dunks clip on Youtube. It's better than Dominique's. Better than Clyde's. Better than MJ's. Seattle fans, think of this more as an homage than a dig at you poor bastards not having a franchise anymore. Remember the good times.

Hollinger's Per Diem on the Magnificent Seven

While I'll always be partial to The Natural as a nickname for Brandon, Hollinger makes a solid case. More importantly (or perhaps unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), he hits the nail on the head in describing Brandon's game. Surprise, fans on the east coast!

"The Birdman flies in any weather."

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we have absolutely no shot at getting a win tonight. Not with Birdman Andersen on watch.

That's it for right now, maniacs. Up next: In-depth previews of the seven squads we could potentially face in the playoffs.

Oh, you didn't know? We keep it real sexy like that.

That's the BIRD CALL.

BasketWar '99: Blade vs. Striker

2009-02-20T13:11:00.000-08:00

Welcome, maniacs, to the most entertaining and least read hoops debate on the planet. Now, some of you might be saying, "Hey, isn't this just like that crappy He Said, She Said article that's always in my favorite newspaper, but with basketball substituted for relationship difficulties?"

Yes. It is. Go to Hell.

Besides, we like to think of this more as a two-man, basketball-centric McLaughlin Group. And yes, I've already called being Pat Buchanan. Sorry Joe, but you're just going to have to settle for Eleanor Clift. On that note, ISSUE NUMBAH ONE!!!

1) NBA Trade Deadline: Winners and Losers

Blade:

Well, I think the biggest winner is clearly Shawn Marion. I bet you money that he now wakes up every morning, gets down on his knees, and thanks God that he no longer has to share the ball on the perimeter. In Toronto, all he has to do is catch and shoot -- be it on the break, cutting through the half court, or just standing in the corner before launching one of those Sam Perkins-esque "Oh My God That's The Most Hideous Thing I've Ever Oh My God It Actually Went In" three-pointers he loves. He really needs to be thanking his lucky stars that he's playing with an elite point guard again. As we saw in Miami, without that Nash/Calderon-type distributor, The Matrix quickly forgets his kung fu.

Runner up: Chicago. How in God's name did John Paxon turn Drew Gooden and Andres Nocioni into Brad Miller and John Salmons?? How long did it take Paxon to say yes to that? Three seconds? Two? He also managed to dump Larry Hughes on the Knicks. Granted, he only received Timmy Thomas in return, but I've actually kind of got a good feeling about Ol' Double Headband in Chicago. With Rose running the show, I think he'll be able to jog from three point line to three point line and still produce either in transition or off the drive and kick. Of course, he could go for 25 every night if he ever got in shape and actually TRIED TO HELP HIS TEAM, but that's another story for another time.

Striker, you got some losers for me, dawg?

Striker: Losers, eh? Other than Mike? Umm..I would say Sacramento, but it appears their moves are just to make cap space so they did fine. Frankly, I'd say Milwaukee, even though they did nothing. Actually, because they did nothing. Obviously Pritchard was offering less for Richard Jefferson + Ridnour than they wanted to accept and Bucks fans are probably happy that their team hasn't gone into complete tank mode, but what exactly are they trying to accomplish? I guess instead of taking the cap space and rebuilding through the draft around Ramon Sessions they'll have to enjoy watching an aging star continually lead them to the 10th seed in the Eastern conference. I'd be pissed.

Other than that, so few trades were made that there really were no big losers at the deadline. A huge portion of the trades that went down were purely for financial purposes, with teams trading scrubs with weird contracts back and forth to gain cap space either now or sometime in the future.

Oh I forgot...MICHAEL RUFFIN, BITCHES!!!

How could I forget? Sorry BULLS, how could you trade the perennial bench player behind this masterpiece:

The Ruffin Man FTW!!!

2) Bone Chips, Detached Retinas, and Sore Knees, Oh My!!

Striker: Well, it looks like David Stern forgot to select the "Turn Off Injuries" option on his non-fictional season of 2k9 because key players have been dropping like flies in the past few months. I'll refer you here for our thoughts on some injuries a month ago, but with a fresh new batch of pain to discuss, the biggest impact an injury will have on a team (in my opinion) is: Greg Oden. Ok, maybe this is my homerism speaking but, depending on how long Old Greg is sidelined, the Blazers are in a pretty precarious situation. Thank God for Pryz, the best backup center in the league. That said, what happens when Pryz goes out? Channing Frye comes in. This is bad. Like, 1/2 a Frye with no Frye sauce bad. Case in point, Wednesday's game against Memphis:

Ok, that's pretty much unreadable, but the point is that Joel is a +19 and Channing is a -10. Normally I don't give much weight to the +/- statistic, but in this case it is very representative. The Blazers were up 12 with about 6 minutes left in the second quarter when Joel came out, pushing Frye to the center position. We finished the quarter up 4. Let's just say, when the Blazers match up against Western Conference and division rivals in the last 30 games of the season, WE WANT GREG. Not Channing. Blade, what do you think? What injury is going to be the most costly? The least costly?

Blade:

You know, considering I wasn't able to dump Drew Gooden before the trade deadline in our fantasy league, I'm going to have to take Striker's "loser" comment in stride. God, I hate Drew Gooden.

Injuries, eh? Well, I know everybody's up in a huff about Amare's eyeball (seriously, if you don't believe me, just go to ESPN), but I think I'm going to go against the grain on this one. Here's why: I don't think the Suns were making the playoffs with Amare in the lineup anyway. That was a sinking ship, period. So at this point, there are two options for Phoenix:

The first involves the team plummeting to the bottom of the conference without their best player. What's the difference between finishing just out of playoff contention and taking dead last? Well, for one, a trip to the Lottery and an honorary Elgin Baylor sweater. Look, I'm not saying the Suns are actually going to lose their last 29 games without Amare in the lineup, but it's a fact that every game they lose from here on out actually improves their draft position next year. Considering that Oklahoma City owns Phoenix's first round pick in 2010, the Suns need to make this year's draft count if they're serious about rebuilding.

*Kobestoppers does not and has never condoned the shameful practice of tanking. Blade was simply making a point regarding the impact of Amare's injury on the floundering Suns. Thank you.*

The second option, if you'll excuse my blatant theft of a Simmons-ism, is the Ewing Theory. Under new head coach Alvin Gentry, these Suns are now classic underdogs instead of scorned underacheivers. All the pressure's off, and that makes them dangerous. If the performances against the Clips are any indication, Gentry's basically saying, "Screw it. Run the ball down their throat, Steve." Look for Barbosa and Barnes to step up in Amare's absence.

No matter which future takes place for these Suns, Amare's injury will not hurt them as bad as everybody seems to think it will. No, the most devastating injury so far has been Jameer Nelson's. I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. Nelson was playing OUT OF HIS MIND this year. But more than just putting up great numbers, he had become the silent leader of that Magic squad. He consistently stepped up this year and hit big threes and clutch free throws. When a team loses its floor general and replaces him with a combination of Anthony Johnson, Tyronn Lue and whatever Skip To My Lou's real name is, that's devastating. With Nelson, Orlando had a legitimate shot to sneak into the Finals. Without him, I think they're going down in round two.

3) Western Conference: Who's IN?

Blade

I got some seeds for ya. PREACH IT!

1) LA KOBE
2) San Antonio
3) Denver
4) Portland
5) New Orleans
6) Utah
7) Houston
8) Dallas

These first three are locks. I can't see the Hornets catching the Spurs, and I think Denver's going to take care of business in this last third of the season.

The next three are a little tricky, but I think that despite Greg's health concerns, the Blaze will pull together and slide into that fourth seed. It also doesn't hurt that we're playing OKC twice and Memphis three times. If the Blazers take care of business at home (15 of the remaining 29 games are at the Rose Garden), we should be able to hold off CP3's Hornets and Slightly Worse Than CP3's Jazz.

The seventh and eighth seeds could go either way, but I like Houston to beat out Dallas for the title of "Second Crappiest." The departure of Alston allows Aaron Brooks to step into the spotlight, where he should have been for most of this season. The absence of T-Mac also provides another Ewing Theory scenario. Artest and Battier will probably step it up, resulting in better ball movement in the half court and more open looks. Because of their lack of depth, also look for Lowry to get some decent minutes both backing up Brooks and playing along side him as a combo guard.

And don't forget about Phoenix. I almost went balls out and threw them in the sixth seed. Realistically, they're probably not going to get in, but I'm giving them a 20 percent chance of just tearing s--- up for these last 30 games. Stranger things have happened.

That's it for me. Strike-Nasty, how do you see it going down in the Wild Wild West?

Striker

Well, I'm going to have to disagree with you a little on this one, Blade, because you are wrong.

1) LA KOBE BLACK MAMBA 99% ACCURACY AND PRECISION AT MAXIMUM SPEED.

'Nuff said.

2) The Denver JR Smith I hate you with a passion and want to shave that Luigi moustache while you sleep.

Denver has been fantastic this year and, if anything, they are improving as the team continues to gel. Most folks point to Chauncey Billups turning this squad around from a year ago. This certainly has something to do with it, but he does not get all the credit here. As my friend and avid Nugget enthusiast Adam eagerly pointed out, Nene (sorry I can't figure out how to put the ^ above his name) has been an absolute beast for the team. While Camby was defensive player of the year for them in the past and put up huge rebounding and block numbers, Nene is simply a better fit in their system and much more effective on the offensive end. Look for them to start to distance themselves from the pack (other than the KOBE, obviously) because of:

3) The San Antonio Manu Ginobili's ankles are made of partially-cooked spaghetti noodles.

The Spurs have quietly creeped into the third spot in the West, and I think they will stay there. Yes, they are notorious for "turning it on" in the last 1/3 of the season and into the playoffs, but I think the loss of Manu for up to three weeks will cause them to drop some games and subsequently be unable to catch the Nuggs for the second seed. That said, when the playoffs do roll around, YOU DO NOT WANT TO PLAY THIS TEAM. Duncan/Parker (and Manu, if healthy) will be as efficiently effective as always and, if Roger Mason keeps dropping bombs like he has been during the regular season, they will likely go pretty deep.

4) The Portland Jesus Christ this is going to be a nervewracking finish please stay healthy Greg.

Portland is in a great position to get the fourth spot (and maybe even the third if they can stay healthy and beat all the teams they should beat). Big games in the final 29 of the schedule: SA twice (away and home), LA KOBE twice (both at home), and Denver twice (away and home). Stealing half of these games would be good, more than that would put them in great position going into the postseason.

5) The Utah We love the Family Circus sooooo much in Utah.

The Jazz have been affected by injuries perhaps more than any team in the West besides the Rockets. First it was Deron Williams, then it was Boozer, then Millsap was spotty for a few weeks, then AK47 was out. If they didn't have little Jeffy running willy-nilly and good ol' Gramps watching over them from above, I think Jazz fans might have gone crazy. That said, if and when they can finally get healthy they will be the scariest of the lower seeds. Williams/Kirilenko/Millsap/Boozer/Okur is a scary good lineup if they can all get on the floor. I think they make a push the last months and get the 5 seed.

6) The New Orleans It's not you, Tyson, it's us...oh never mind actually you are the greatest.

The Hornets are going to lose in the first round of the playoffs. Book it, put it in your pipe, call your bookie, whatever you do. You heard it here. The team that lost in the Western Conference semifinals is sputtering toward the finish this year. After the botched Tyson Chandler trade, he comes back to New Orleans...only to keep sitting with a bum ankle. If your team just tried to trade you to create cap space, would you be in a huge hurry to come back from injury and bust your ass for them? CP3 is unreal, David West is a good player, but the Hornets bench has been less than spectacular and James Posey has not lived up to the hype. If they meet the Spurs in the first round they're toast in 5.

7) The Houston Maybe if T-Mac isn't playing we can win a playoff series.

But no, you can't. After the Rafer Alston/Kyle Lowry trade things are going to be interesting at the point in Houston. Blade (see above) seems convinced that Brooks is the new starter in Houston, but I'm not so sure. AB has been great off the bench and frankly is a better scorer/spot-up shooter than a true point guard distributor. Brooks will get increased minutes and his production will be key, but I see Lowry starting at the point for Houston. Yao is a great player, but can he really lead them on any kind of playoff run? Striker is doubtful.

8) The Dallas How worthless is Dirk Nowitski going to be by the time Mark Cuban finally trades him?

I agree with Blade that Dallas is the last team that limps into the playoffs, then gets swept (probably) by Mamba & Co. We know this team can't win anything major, but the way Kidd has been hitting the three and the fact that Dirk is still Dirk (at least for now) I think they are still a playoff team in the West. Oh, and that NBA Where Dirk Happens commercial that announces "Where my best is yet to come happens"? Uhhh....I'm not so sure about that one.

Well that's it for BasketWar '99. Portland takes on the Hawks in t-minus 86 minutes and counting. Stay tuned.

Links! Basketball Links!

2009-02-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

Well, NBA All-Star Weekend has come and gone once again. Saddening, I know. But don't fret, my friends, for every rain cloud has a silver lining. In the coming weeks, we will be treated to:

1) A trade deadline mish-mash-mix-em-up in which our Blazers are being rumored to participate. Whispers around the water cooler (or, you know, all over the Internet. Same thing) are pointing to possible trades with SacTown, Milwaukee, Chicago and even Philly. One thing is for certain: no matter who KP1 decides to Pritchslap this year, it's going to be exciting.

Unless of course we just sit on RLEC and wait for it to expire this summer. Then I will frown.

2) Nine teams competing for eight spots in the Western Conference. We WILL be one of those eight teams, my friends. I have foreseen it.

3) THE RETURN OF CHARLES BARKLEY, BABY!!!!!!

Number three is my favorite, in case you didn't catch that.

In honor of The Round Mound's return, here's an all Chaz Barkley links post. Enjoy.

"Please, y'all, go back to Damon Jones' jacket."

Do I really need to say anything here? For the full effect, watch it three times. Trust me.

The Stormin' Mormon strikes again

Kenny is so heartless. Shawn Bradley is one of the few people on the planet who has mastered the Dim Mak, OK? Bruce Springsteen is his shidoshi.

Tiger's Envy

It's a thing of beauty, isn't it?

The Big Charles Barkely Mix

Because of his brilliant and colorful onscreen persona as TNT's resident Muppet, we forget just how good this guy was in his prime. Time to remember.

All right, maniacs. That's it for today. But before I get out of here, I'll leave you with one final, beautiful image. As many of you know, Kobestopper Joe was lucky enough to get courtside seats to last week's Blazers/Warriors game in Oakland. Here is a screen grab from that affair. I've taken the liberty of labeling the important parties in the picture.

I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world. But I do know this: that is the face of a young man who is f---ing happy to see Joel Przybilla.

Running Diary - All-Star Weekend 2009

2009-02-13T13:17:00.000-08:00

2/13/09 1:18 PM, PST

They said it couldn't be done.

But they were wrong.

The disbelievers trembled with fear, jaws agape, as the pair of shockingly-handsome, hyper-intelligent supernovae, clothed in pants of white and green, descended upon the basketball plebes.

The commoners, near blind and deaf from staring at the beautiful madness of the two basketball demigods, began to scatter, begging for their lives and the lives of their children. All of them fled.

All but one.

A lone peasant, Murial of Lake Oswego, stood his ground and cried out, "My Lords! Art thou mad?! A diary encompassing the entirety of All-Star Weekend?! Surely you jest! Come, brothers, let us take up arms against our shiny overlords, so that we may rule our own kind and worship the great Round Ball in our own way!!"

The members of the fleeing hoard stopped in their tracks, their legs rooted to the ground like oak trunks. All eyes shot toward the two levitating figures. They stood frozen, breathless, waiting for what was to come.

With a single, understated wave of his right hand, Lord Striker crushed the larynx of the arrogant fool Murial, leaving him gasping for air and ruing his decision to defy his noble Gods.

As Murial began to run out of air, Lord Blade spoke softly to the shocked masses:

"Hear me, oh people of Rip City. Through the eons, Striker and I have watched over thy generations, guiding thy people through deadly jungles, always protecting them from the ever-lurking Mamba. Have faith in thy Lords, and I say unto thee this day, thou shalt dine upon the Mamba's flesh and suck at his bones. And thy victory will be so glorious, oh Portland, that thou shalt be sustained for a thousand years."

And the people did cheer and hoot and throw their hands toward the sky, praising their benevolent keepers. Even Murial was healed that day, a gift of forgiveness bestowed upon him from above. And the praise from the plebes was so great that the heavens themselves opened up and did begin to sing, "Vote me."

The disciples Greg, Brandon and Rudy were each to be rewarded for their noble sacrifices through the first 50 contests of the grueling NBA season. Each would receive a trophy made of iron and silver and balsa wood, commemorating their round ball superiority. And so it was, in the year two-thousand and nine, that the people of Portland were finally relieved of the heavy and uncomfortable cross borne for so many years. The last memory of the Bonzi Wells era had been swept away, and the people rejoiced with shouts of Rip City and Boom Chakalaka.

So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

So, um...yeah. We're gonna do a diary for pretty much the whole weekend, guys. Make sure to check back, because we'll be updating at all hours, day and night. The plan is to just keep adding to this post, so it'll be all in one place. Just scroll down to where you last left off and you'll be good to go.

Oh yeah, before I forget, I'd like to share one last thing. When I was at the Jazz game a couple weeks ago, I saw some middle-aged moron walking around in this woven abortion:Seriously, what kind of an ass wears this to a WIZARDS game, much less to the freaking Rose Garden??? I will never understand the non-existent "throwback" jersey. Not now. Not in 10 years. Not when I look like Burgess Meredith.

All right, maniacs. We'll be in touch.

T-Mobile NBA Rookie/Sophomore T-Mobile Youth SlamJam T-Mobile Rookie Challenge!
2/13/09
6:00 PM, PST

So, I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, “Hey, JERK. You said that this was going to be a diary of the WHOLE weekend, and yet, here I am, NOT reading about the celebrity game that took place this afternoon.”

In response to these concerns, I will say this: I accidentally slept through the stupid celebrity, game, OK? Call a cop. Jeez. If you’re really that worried about it, then here, check this out. Can you believe the balls on Michael Rapaport? I mean, I’ve generally despised everything the man has ever done (except Cop Land. Ooooh how I love Cop Land), and I’m not exactly sure how he qualifies as a “celebrity,” but I think he might be one of my new favorite celebrities after popping that three in T.O.’s eye and talking all that smack. Write it down: Mike Rapaport is not as big a douche bag as I had previously thought. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Chris Tucker.

Hey, speaking of crappy things, did you guys know that this Rookie/Sophomore game is sponsored by T-Mobile? No, really. It is. T-Mobile.

T-Mobile.

6:12 – Dwight Howard and Dwyane Wade will be the coaches tonight for our annual contest to see which team can miss the most alley-oops. I gotta say, Dwyane is looking SHARP in that yellow bowtie/vest combo. And I do believe that is the most enormous yellow diamond I’ve ever seen, and it's HANGING FROM HIS EAR. Actually, now that I think about it, I had no idea that yellow diamonds even existed. Sadly, Dwyane has negated his cool wardrobe choice by wearing a single strip of football…um…I guess you’d call it “eye blue”…with his name written on it. I can best describe this decision as poor.

6:13 – KURT RAMBIS SIGHTING.

I really want to get Kevin McHale up in this bitch and just start replaying “the clothesline” over and over again on the jumbotron. You know those two have unfinished business.

6:14 – Is it me, or should Travis Outlaw and Aaron Brooks fight to the death for title of Greatest Basketball E.T? Actually, come to think of it, AB is more of a chipmunk than an alien. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION, TRAVIS OUTLAWWW!!!!!!!!

6:15 – BronBron is providing color commentary while Nic Batum works his magic in what I assume is the French broadcast. I wonder if I can somehow pick that up?

6:16 – Yep, I still hate Craig Sager.

6:17 – Looks like Greg isn’t playing tonight because of a sore left knee. Ten to one says that “sore left knee” is code for “Nate doesn’t want me getting hurt playing in this stupid thing.”

First Half

6:18 – Oh my God, those are the most hideous uniforms I’ve ever seen. My TV screen looks like a giant Taco Bell menu in HD.

6:20 – OK, so Rudy seems to actually be playing hard, here. It’s clear that he does not quite understand All-Star Weekend protocol. Does this mean that tomorrow night he’s just going to try to dunk the ball as many times as possible within his allotted 90 seconds? Oh, god. I hope he understands the rules.

6:23 – Al Harrington has a signature shoe on sale at K-Mart now. In other important news, I pooped about two hours ago.

6:30 – Wow, Michael Beasley’s shoes look like they’re from another planet. Oooh, maybe Travis designed them! Seriously, Beasley’s shoes and Craig Sager’s suits need to get together and make some cute little multicolored toe sock babies.

6:35 – Man, I just CANNOT get over how freaking big that yellow diamond is. That thing must have cost Dwyane like $20,000. 31-27, Rookies with 9:22 to go in the half.

6:38 – Doesn’t Marc Gasol look like that kid who got held back like three years in elementary school? I can just picture him at 15 years old dominating a bunch of sixth graders, his full beard flapping in the wind.

6:44 – Where. The f---. Is Rudy?!

Look, he started 2-3 from three-point land, and Wade has had him on the bench for what seems an eternity, all to make room for Russell “Don’t Call Me Brian” Westbrook. Great.

6:45 – OK. Never mind. Wade just put Rudy in.

6:51 – I am going to slap Sager’s face SO SUUUUUUPER HARD. What a jerk. Way to make Greg feel even worse about not playing, Craig. I can pretty much guarantee that he’s going to cry one single, powerful tear when he gets back to his hotel room.

7:01 – The Sophs steal five quick points to end the half, capped by a Mayo three off the glass. Just like Dwight drew it up.

Halftime

I have only one halftime thought tonight, because after watching roughly eight minutes of what can best be described as “visual diarrhea,” most of my brain melted and oozed out my right ear. At least I know the name of my tormentor:

CORBIN BLEU.

WHYYYYY GODDDDDD???????!!!!

Second Half

7:19 – Pau kicks BronBron out of the booth. I wish Pau’s accent were thicker.

7:40 – “Hole own, Dwyane, I’m a trah sumpin’ fansuh.”

I MISS CHARLES BARKELY.

7:41 – Holy God, KD has 35. He’s a good player. 98-93, Sophs.

7:59 – OK, so as you can probably tell, I sort of stopped taking notes. It’s 112-103 with 3:03 to go. Is this…is this actually a GOOD GAME??? Both teams…played…hard? This has never happened before. I’m…vexed.

Final Score

Sophomores 122
Rookies 116
Kevin Durant 46/7

Final Thoughts

One more time, just for the record, Kevin Durant is excellent at basketball.

If he keeps this up, Dwight Howard is going to give Dikembe Mutombo a run for his money in the “All-Star Weekend Facial Expressions” contest. Too bad he can’t dunk in the contest and WATCH himself dunk in the contest at the same time.

Chris Bosh is SUCH a dinosaur. Mere coincidence that he plays for the Raptors? I think not. I really want Bosh and Jerryd to end up on the same team at some point, making us one step closer to a Jurassic Park All-Star Team.

Plenty more weekend where this came from, maniacs. Stay tuned.

Edit: 2/14/09
1:45 AM, PST

OK, so apparently Greg actually chipped his knee cap when he collided with Maggette last night. I think I speak for all Blazer fans everywhere when I say, "F---."

Guest Segment - Injectin' Estrogen
2/14/09
10:17 AM, PST

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Darcy, and I have the distinct pleasure of calling Mike and Joe my friends, spiritual basketball gurus and fellow Medford-Lifers. For my guest Valentine’s Day contribution to KobeStoppers I would like to inject some much-needed estrogen into the mix utilizing my keen female prowess. Without further ado, I give all you maniacs the Trail Blazers heartthrob report for the season thus far. In a crude order of sexiness/skill/aesthetic here is the list thus far:

1. Rudy Fernandez
2. Joel Przybilla
3. Brandon Roy
4. Martell Webster
5. LaMarcus Aldridge
6. Sergio Rodriguez
7. Greg Oden
8. Jerryd Bayless
9. Travis Outlaw
10. Stevie Blake
11. Ike Diogu
12. Channing Frye
13. Shavlik Randolph

Leading the team in the sexy-factor (no surprise here) is the incomparable better half of the Spanish inquisition, Rudy Fernandez. With his chiseled features, perfectly executed five o’clock shadow, and adorably broken English, I think he even makes Mike Rice blush with every glance to the scoring table (though Ricey could be red in the face for a different reason). I would run with that bull any day.

Next up on the attractive-scale is none other than the Vanilla Gorilla himself, Joel Przybilla. Though this high ranking may have something to do with my love of huge and equally dorky centers, Joel’s basketball consistency and blue-collar attitude make you want to bake him a pie and talk about how much you both hate Shaq.

B-Roy’s attractiveness stems from his comfort on the court. The Natural’s grace and poise on the floor seem indicative of the maturity and style of the perennial All-Star that he is (yeah, that doesn’t hurt either). Plus, that strong and smooth left hand seems good for more than just ridiculous reverse lay-ups in traffic.

Martell is hot. Have you seen his pea coat? I wish everyone in the Navy looked like him. He looks like a young Dennis Haysbert. Martell for president!

Next is the man who gives the ladies heart conditions and has one himself, LaMarcus Aldridge. Though I have my suspicions of a secret romance with Rebecca Haarlow, the women of Portland still have hope. His trim facial hair does little to disguise the dimpled baby face of a future All-Star and the kind of guy you want to bring home to Mom.

Serge!!! I feel like running up a muddy hill while hopped up on frighteningly caffeinated soda from the 90’s. But seriously, I would do him.

Now to assess Greg. He’s old, adorable and has a map of the world on his face. Plus, there is the added benefit of getting some senior discounts. Greg is the only dude in the league who’s fake ID is an AARP card. We goin’ Sizzler!

Jerryd Bayless is obviously a good-looking cat, and he kind of looks like T.I. But his eyebrows are so perfect and he is so well groomed it is rather intimidating. Lay off the wax, bro. Plus, he wears way more jewelry than I do.

My ninth and tenth picks are everyone’s favorite extra-terrestrial duo. It is tough for me to judge Blake and Outlaw on their sexiness because we are not the same species. I simply don’t know what is “good looking” or “attractive” for an alien. I love them both, but would never want to take the chance of ending up giving birth to ultra destructive and ingenious alien spawn.

The last three don’t really play. That trumps looks. Sorry.

HORSE: Saving you 15% or more on car insurance
2/14/09
4:32 PM, PST

In lieu of a running diary of this advertising abomination of a playground game, let me provide you with the following rundown:

The contest began with each of the players (Joe Johnson, Kevin Durant, OJ Mayo) taking exciting and amazingly difficult trick shots from all over the court. This would have been great except, unsurprisingly, they had difficulty making them. Shocking, I know. As a result, a couple of made shots from deep in the crowd gave way to three pointers and granny-shots from the foul line.

Joe Johnson was the first to be eliminated after he airballed a Rick Barry-style free throw. Ugly.

Kevin Durant then proceeded to hit 3 three pointers in a row, which OJ Mayo missed, giving KD the GEICO horse trophy on a come-from-behind victory.

I'm sorry, but I've seen more exciting shooting competitions between bench players when bad teams warm up before games. Literally, I was being distracted by leaves falling from a tree outside my window. Everyone who was raving about how fun it would be to have NBA players compete at HORSE can shut up now, thank you. Experiment tried, experiment failed, let's all move on.

Events that would be more exciting than NBA All Star HORSE:

- NBA players playing NBA video games against one another. Hell, let's have NBA players playing HORSE in an NBA video game, it would still be better.

-Horseshoes.

- Freestyle rap battle. Shaq vs. Kobe, anyone?

- NBA Scrabble. I'm thinking...Kenyon Martin, Josh Howard, Stephon Marbury, and Delonte West. And yes, we will count "Hands down, mans down, man" as one word.

- A Dance Dance Revolution contest with every player over 7 feet tall except Greg Oden.

That's all I can stomach for now. I'm going to go rinse my eyes with some Mr. Clean.

All-Star Saturday Night
2/14/09
5:29 PM, PST

All right, maniacs. This is the night we’ve all been waiting for. Well, actually, it’s the night before the night we’ve all been waiting for, but don’t let that discourage you. Getcha popcorn ready, because it’s time for Spanish Rocky to shake up the world.

5:32 – Well, all my expectations have already been exceeded for the evening’s proceeding thanks to three little words:

It’s Britney, bitch.

Yeah, man. Nothing says “NBA All-Star Weekend” quite like a washed-up pop star (who couldn’t sing to begin with, by the way) gyrating at me in HD. For future reference, is there any way I can “un-HD” my television during certain...unpleasant situations? Woof.

5:34 – Oh no. Don’t tell me they’re actually bringing back the stupid “NBA player/WNBA player/borderline-obese-at-this-point former NBA player” shooting thing. WHY? Why would David Stern do this to us??? Does he hate us? What did we ever do to him?

5:36 – OK, never mind. I take it all back. Watching Bill Laimbeer jump off the wrong foot while launching doomsday missiles from half court is EXACTLY how I want to spend my Saturday night.

5:37 – God, every minute of this garbage feels like an hour. The NBA: where HORRIBLY BORING EXERCISES IN FUTILITY happen.

5:50 – Thank God this stupid thing is over. Now, for the equally unnecessary practice of awarding a trophy that’s size is inversely proportional to the importance of the contest won. Hooray!

5:51 – And for the record, I still hate Aaron Afflalo. Although I must admit, his Ricky Davis-esque demeanor during the “competition” was both nauseating and endearing. Seriously, how do you “lazy” a 15-foot jump shot? How is that even possible??? Watching him shoot made me want to bore a hole in my forehead my with roommate’s power drill, but for some reason I just couldn’t look away. It was beautiful carnage, friends. That’s the best way I can describe it.

5:57 – Time for a little Playstation Skillzzzzz Challenge, folks.

Oh, what’s that? They could throw a bunch of topless Victoria’s Secret models out there, and you’d still be bored to death watching them dribble through cones? Yeah, me too.

6:04 – Apparently, Mo Williams has decided that he’s not going to sweat tonight. Probably a smart move. We wouldn’t want him to have to take a shower after the competition, or anything. What do you bet he’s got his club wear in a duffel under his chair on the bench?

6:09 – Derrick Rose has decided to follow the Afflalo/Williams model, and he half-hearted jogs through the course. I’m SO glad I decided to watch this.

6:11 – What is it with these NBA superstars dressing like Steve Urkel? I suddenly want a picture BronBron and Wade with Reginald VelJohnson.

6:17 – Let it be known: the color of Shaq’s suit is “everlasting cactus green.” This pleases me.

Speaking of the Shaqtus, I found this video far more entertaining that these first two events.

6:26 – Onward and upward, maniacs. We’ve got a three-point contest just begging to be tonight’s savior.

Let’s look at our entrants:

Rashard Lewis is a pure shooter like I’m a great dunker. The only way he wins this thing is if we tell him that his contract extension is riding on it.

Danny Granger is a good player, but not a guy for the three-point contest. We might as well have called up Q Richardson and had him come along, too (how did Q win one of these things???). The only way he should get in this contest is if they went back to the old eight-man, three-round format. Then I could see it. He’d be the honorary Detlef Schrempf entry.

Mike Bibby is not a consistent three-point threat. He’s great off a pick with the ball in his hands, but he’s got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning a “catch-and-shoot from two feet outside your range” contest, which is what this is for him.

Roger Mason is the new Robert Horry, apparently. Great. Good for him. But just because you’ve hit a few threes in clutch situations does not mean that you are a great volume shooter. Sorry.

Daequan Cook is apparently playing for the Miami Heat right now. Honest to God, I didn’t know he was on an NBA roster.

Jason Kapono – Man, this guy is the King of the Douches, but he sure can shoot that three-ball. Here’s your Bird/Hodges/Price/Allen/Dirk entry, folks. Though I’m reluctant to say he’s on the level of Bird and Hodges, if he wins his third consecutive title tonight, he’ll have to be mentioned in the same breath as those guys. Never mind the fact that he’s the only shooter in the competition this year. Seriously, if he doesn’t run away with this thing, it’ll be the biggest disappointment since I noticed we were out of Ho-Ho’s this morning.

OK, so never mind about that whole “savior” thing, I guess. I'm telling you, we need an eight-man field. Rudy, Ray Allen, Peja and Dirk should all be in this thing.

7:13 – Congratulations…Daequan Cook?

And congratulations to the NBA for going 0-3 so far tonight. Well, at least we got to watch a bunch of guys SHOOT LIKE CRAP for 40 minutes in a contest that’s supposed to showcase long-range accuracy. Maybe they should change the name to the Foot Locker Ironic Embarrassment for next year.

7:18 – Well, Kenny Smith has started to scream the names of random heavyweights from the 1970s, which clearly tells me that it’s time to watch some basketballs be dunked. But first, it seems TNT has a very special musical performance for us. Fun! I was actually just thinking about what this weekend has been sorely lacking in, and I realized that it was HORRIBLE MUSICAL ACTS THAT MAKE YOU BEG FOR DEATH.

Seriously, the musical performances so far this weekend have been the WORST that I have ever seen, and I’ve seen them all.

ALL of them.

By the way, I’ve been watching this show for almost two hours at this point, and I still cannot figure out what the hell that little CGI demon mascot is supposed to be. It’s maddening.

7:29 – I think we’re finally going to get to see some dunking, sports fans. Thank God.

Personal note to Larry Nance: SWEET paisley tie.

7:39 – Damn you, Pau Gasol. And damn you Kenny and Reggie. Even that hilarious diss on Mark Jackson after Tom Chambers was announced as a judge cannot save you from my wrath at this point.

I almost threw something at the TV when Kenny made fun of the “amateurism of Spain.”

The fact of the matter is this: Rudy got screwed worse than Hitman Hart at the Survivor Series. You know it. I know it. The American people know it. I’m not going to talk about it anymore because my doctor says my blood pressure is dangerously high as it is, and I can already start to feel that little vein in my forehead beginning to swell. Let’s just move on to the final. To read Rudy's thoughts on the screw job (in English), click here.

By the way, did anybody else catch that three-second shot of George Gervin sitting on the sideline with his chin on his hand, looking like he was watching paint dry? The NBA: where all-time greats falling asleep during your most exciting event happens.

Also, one more note from the first round: I hate J.R. Smith.

OK, two more. Did you guys see Dwight dunk on that 12-foot rim? I mean, as a basketball Youtube fiend, it’s not like I’ve never seen a guy dunk 12-feet before, but here’s the thing: Dwight dunked that ball with no effort. He made that dunk look easy. It looked like the rest of us dunking on an eight-foot rim. I’m going to come out and say that Dwight Howard is the most freakish athlete I’ve ever seen on a basketball court, LeBron included. Dwight was engineered in a lab. It’s the Dwight Howard show. Let’s see him dunk 15-feet.

7:42 – The Finals

Nate Dogg, first dunk – Wow. That was a great dunk. It was really kind of a throwback in a lot of ways. Seems like we saw Spud do that dunk in ’86. Still impressive when a tiny guy jumps that high in the air.

Superman, first dunk – GO HOME, NATE. Are you kidding me?

Tiny Black Lex Luthor, second dunk – Here is the actual conversation I had with my roommate Scott as Nate the Great was setting up:

Me: Wait, what’s he doing?
Scott: I don’t know.

(Nate picks up a ball…)

Me: Is he…is he going to try to jump over Dwight Howard?
Scott: Oh my God.

(Nate starts to run at the hoop…)

Me: There’s no way. I mean, Dwight’s like six-foot-eleven…
Scott: Holy…

(Nate takes off…)

Both of us, now standing: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s a 50, ladies and gentlemen.

Son of Jor-El, second dunk – See, here’s the problem. I really expected Dwight to take off from the top of the key. Was I crazy to expect this? I don’t think so. I think, based on what we’ve seen him do in the past, that a dunk from 19 feet away would have been perfectly reasonable. Unfortunately, we ended up with Dwight jumping from inside of Brent Barry's mark and ruining the competition’s climax. Ah, well, what can you say? The guy’s a two-footed dunker, plain and simple. Come back next year, Dwight, and stick to what you know.

Final Thoughts

Even though the first three events sucked hard, the dunk contest receives my endorsement. Yes, it ended with a whisper instead of a bang, but the important thing is this: legitimacy has been brought back to the dunk contest through Dwight Howard’s creativity. This is exemplified by LeBron’s tentative commitment to throw his hat into the ring next year. In years past, there was no motivation for a guy like LeBron to enter, right? It was a no-win situation for him. If he won, well, he was supposed to win. And if he lost, it would only hurt his street cred.

But now, dear friends, we may be treated to the most competitive and exciting dunk contest since MJ vs. Dominique in Chicago. Dwight has set an important example for other superstars in the league, and my hope is that they follow in his footsteps. Personally, I’ve been waiting my whole life for a contest that rivals the intensity of the MJ/’Nique/Spud/Drex era. Wouldn’t you go nuts if next year we had Bron, Dwight, Nate, Vince, and Kobe in the same contest? Wouldn’t it be cool if the dunk contest actually proved who the best dunker in the league was? It used to do this. It can do this again. I know it can. Pray it happens.

Stay tuned for the All-Star Game diary, maniacs.

2009 All-Star Game
2/14/09
11:19 PM, PST

Here it is folks, the big daddy of the weekend: the All-Star game itself. Now, will this be a double-overtime thriller like Jordan's last All-Star appearance in 2003? Or (more likely) will it be a 40-point raping like the West put on the East in 1992?

Frankly, I'm going to have to go with the latter. The West's team is just....better. Like, alot better. Sure, the East has Lebron and Dwight Howard, but frankly the team is made up of first-option scorers, not distributors or defenders. This is surprisingly important in the All-Star game. I think having CP3 on the West surrounded by great scorers (Kobe, Amare, Duncan, Dirk, Gasol) is going to be waaaaay too much for the East to handle.

Without further ado, TNT gives us...OH MY GOD THE COOLEST SHAQ DANCE SEQUENCE I'VE EVER SEEN. This is without a doubt the best thing that has happened yet at All-Star weekend.

Apparently that orgasmic dance experience with the Jabbawockeez has already created mini-Shaq/Jabbawockee offspring. And it is good.

Sidenote: How cool would it be if there was an actual dance competition between NBA players? There is no doubt in my mind that there are a lot of guys out there that cut some fine rug. I'm looking at you, Robert Swift.

Oh God, no, no, I'm making an effort NOT to look at you, Robert Swift. My mistake.

AAAAAND we're off!

First Quarter:

10:26 - AI caps off a 7-0 East run to start the game with a sweet ball fake and finish at the rack. Could I have been completely wrong in my prediction? Iverson has gotten a fair amount of internet flak over his starter spot which many feel he does not deserve. Now that I think about it I could see him exploding for 35 to silence the haters.

7:50 - Hey, it's a giant Lebron James travel! See, that's what the All-Star game is all about: watching players do what they do best.

6:58 - CP3 steals AI's pass and dishes to Kobe, who soars in for an undeniably sweet jam. Jesus, watching Chris Paul out there playing with guys who aren't the New Orleans Hornets terrifies me to no end. With a reliable finisher Paul puts up 15 assists a game.

Uh-oh, it's Shaqtus time!

And now Roy enters the game! I'm pumped to see him use that sneaky athleticism to surprise some folks. He flourishes in this game, for some reason.

It's kind of odd to see two #7s running around on the same team out there. Maybe we should just kill or tragically cripple the other #7...oh, he happens the best player on the Denver Nuggets, the Blazers' division rivals who are currently in first place by 3.5 games? Ooops...

Also, apparently B-Roy does have some animosity toward Billups. Watch him sabotage Billups' blindfolded free throw record here.

2:02 - Tony Parker tops off a 17-0 West run with a lay-in off the full-court no-look pass from the Big Chamberneezy. The run went something like this: Layup, layup, three-pointer, dunk, dunk, dunk, layup, dunk, layup. And still Marv Albert continues to rave about the great defensive intensity by both teams.

Second Quarter:

10:55 - Roy almost loses the ball, but then spins to his right and finishes easily with a soft touch off the glass. Sexy. 38-27, West.

A note to Craig Sager:

Dear Mr. Sager,

Please send me the $7500 required to surgically repair my eyes after I accidentally looked at your clothes. Enclosed is an envelope and postage.

Your prompt response is appreciated.

Sincerely,

Striker

7:52 - RayRay and Paul Pierce have quietly combined to score the East's last 14 points. Unfortunately, there are probably no two players that are less interesting to watch in an All-Star game. I mean, yes, watching PP use his size to drive to the right side and draw contact for the foul is very effective. It is also VERY BORING.

Sidenote: Maybe I was wrong to make fun of Marv for praising the defense. While there is certainly no team defense (and you can't really expect there to be), players certainly seem to be hustling on the defensive side. But...maybe it's just so they can get a steal for an open dunk or oop on the other end. Either way, it's surprisingly competitive right now with the West leading, 48-47.

3:19 - Chris Paul gets a defensive rebound, runs the length of the floor in about 1.3 seconds, and then finds Roy on the trailer for the two handed jam.

2:29 - Dwight Howard gathers a Lebron miss, shuffles his feet, jumps up and down, performs the Hokie-Pokie and the Riverdance simultaneously, then banks it in off the glass. Now THAT'S how you travel.

Halftime:

The West leads the East at half, 72-67. Mamba leads the West with 13 first half points. Roy had a nice quiet 8 points, but was mainly looking to distribute the rock, often passing just when it came to him.

I've also been watching Roy look for lobs around the basket. He keeps setting up on the weak side, starting little spurts toward the hoop, and looking to the point guard for the lob. He hasn't got one yet, but he will. Oh, he will.

Halftime notes:

- The US Olympic gold medal team is receiving their rings at halftime. For some reason, they have also brought various players from other national teams to share in the ceremony. Two things: 1) Why is Marc Gasol receiving some kind of honor? Rudy was much more important to that Spanish national team and he is obviously there this weekend. Damn you thrice, Mr. Toad!! 2) Those rings are UGLY. Why would I want the symbol of my Olympic accomplishment to be the color of the Eye of Mordor's pupil? I feel like it's sucking the life out of me through my TV screen.

- Is it just me or does this incredibly over-produced, self-loving NBA Cares TV spot just reek of hypocrisy? Yes, the NBA does great things. Sure, players help kids and teach healthy habits and build houses. But shouldn't the gazillion dollars spent on producing this wildly intense ad which proclaims that the NBA is the greatest aid to mankind since the invention of penicillin instead be spent ON HELPING PEOPLE?!?! A radical concept, I know.

- OBAMA!!!! OBAMA!!!! OBA...ok, that was just kinda awkward.

Third Quarter:

11:21 - Yao drains a 10-foot hook shot, giving him his first points of the game! Thank God, he can now sit down and stop worrying about his gigantic yet tender footsies. I don't blame him; if I was 7 & 1/2 feet tall I would probably never stand up in the first place.

7:30 - The East is just ice-cold. They've started the second half 4-11 from the field and are even missing free throws. Since the West is getting whatever they want inside, if they don't start hitting some shots this one is over. 84-74, West leads.

6:20 - Kobe hits two threes in the span of a minute. I think he wants this MVP. Right now, it's all his.

5:52 - Shaqtus time, baby!

Talk about instant impact. Shaq hits a layup, two dunks, a baby hook, and another dunk (off a nice no-look pass from Roy), blowing this game wide open. Then he misses three out of four free throws. The Big Aristotle giveth, the Big Aristotle taketh away.

Sidenote: I'm really surprised by the East. Not by the fact that they are losing handily, but by how boring they are to watch out there. Lebron's not driving and throwing it off the backboard to himself, Dwight Howard isn't getting lobs 12 feet in the air, and the team in general couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. Booo.

The third quarter ends, mercifully.

Fourth Quarter:

Good. God. I am so frustrated with the East right now. Here are their offensive plays for the first five minutes of the fourth:

- Missed three.
- Missed 22-foot jumper.
- Made layup.
- Made jumper.
- Made 18-foot jumper.
- Missed three.
- Missed three.
- Made jumper.

Does it get any more boring than that?

Honestly? There's not much more to say. Kobe drained a few more shots, Lebron missed about 12 jumpers, the West expanded their lead. Most of the camera time was spent with Craig Sager walking around talking to various celebrities and players.

The last minute of the game became a frenzied dunkfest. First Amare threw down a huge two-handed windmill. Then, off a turnover, Chris Paul finds Roy off the glass for a BOOM-shakalaka. It all culminates with Lebron waving everyone out of the way, tearing down the lane, tossing it high off the glass to himself, and PUNISHING the rim with two hands. Wow.

Post-game thoughts:

Not a terrible game, not a great one. Shaq's performance, from his dance during the introductions to his 'megging of Dwight Howard on the give-and-go, was fantastic. Roy had nice game, with 14/5/5 and no turnovers. Interestingly, he played the most minutes of any player on the Western roster with 31! Either Phil Jackson is a great judge of talent and wanted to give Brandon his due or he is strategizing against the Blazers because he fears us!! Maybe it's both.

In honor of Kobe and Shaq's shared MVP, I present you with this glorious music video (give it about 20 seconds, I swear it's worth it):

Yes, folks, that is the iconic R&B group B2K. Yes, they are wearing not one, not two, but three Mamba jerseys between the four of them! Sickening. I guess I have to give props to the one homie wearing the Shaq jersey...I guess.

Pop Quiz! Which four of the following names are the actual group members of B2K?

- Omarion
- Lil' Fizz
- Iz Boozle
- Raz-B
- Finquavius
- Big Janeezy
- J-Boog
- Eric

No, I'm not going to tell you the answer. I'm making a point.

On that note, that's it for All-Star weekend here at Kobestoppers! Stay tuned in the next few days for insightful analysis on whatever bigtime trades might be happening before the deadline. Also, we'll probably find some incredibly juvenile youtube videos!

Running Diary - Thunder at Blazers

2009-02-12T10:21:00.000-08:00

2/11/09 7:00 PM, PST

No time to waste, maniacs. Sit down, strap in, and get ready for a very special episode of “So You Want to Rape and Murder an NBA Fan Base!”

Pre-game Thoughts:

- I’ve decided that no matter how many years go by, the “Oklahoma City Thunder” will never sound right to me as a basketball fan. Doesn’t it feel like they’re some poorly-conceived, ragtag group of misfits from a sports movie? Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that the Charlestown Chiefs and the Miami Sharks are much better names for fake teams than the Oklahoma City Dead Rotting Sonics Corpses.

- Speaking of Seattleites, there are a bunch of fans from the Save Our Sonics group at the Rose Garden this evening. In this vain, I’d like to directly address any Sonic fans who may be reading this: I think I speak for a lot of Blazermaniacs out there when I say that we were really looking forward to kicking the crap out you guys for the next ten years, and I’m sure you feel the same way about us. We have been robbed of our Northwest rivalry. The situation in which Sonic fans find themselves today is both unfair and cruel. Nobody should be happy about the assassination of an NBA team and its loyal fan base. So, in light of these terrible circumstances, we the people invite you to join the Blazer Nation. In the words of one of our most cherished past stars, “come own eeeen.”

- The first meeting between these two teams did not end…favorably, let’s say, for our beloved Blazers. OK, let’s just cut the crap. We got embarrassed. There, I said it. For tonight, I expect us to come out with TONS of energy. If I know Nate like I think I know Nate (I don’t actually know Nate. Like, at all, even), he’s probably giving the youngsters Apollo’s “You remember what he DID to you last time, right?” speech from Rocky III right now. If I read Ben’s BE write-up and “Eye of the Tiger” wasn’t our warm-up music, I’m going to be furious.

First Quarter

7:12 – Brandon pops from eight feet out. Jeff Green is fouled by Greg and scores a sweeping lay-up after the fact. The six percent of my being that remembers Green is on my fantasy roster applauds wildly. The rest of me shakes its head in disgust.

7:14 – Classic Mike Barrett after Kyle Weaver receives a pass following a Roy bucket: “Roy has been SCORCHING hot these last couple of weeks. Kyle Weaver…has not.”

7:16 – LMA does his best “Super-Skinny Shaq” impression and JAMS the ball after he gathers two of his own misses around the basket. RAAAAARGHHH!!!!

7:19 – Make an assessment!! Greg pins one up against the glass. Half the sportswriters in America instantaneously whip out their laptops and begin making comparisons to Mikan, Russell and Olajuwon.

7:24 – Krstic flops and draws Greg’s second foul. Mike Rice on the referee’s questionable call: “See, all Europeans know how to flop in the NBA.” Doesn’t Mike Rice remind you of your slightly and unintentionally racist grandfather? I can’t get enough. I love this guy.

7:25 – Seriously though, about that flop, I hope Pryz breaks that Serbian bastard’s kneecaps.

7:28 – Quick note from the Free Darko book reading at Powell’s: turns out author Bethlehem Shoals hates Earl Watkins. You know who else really hates that little jerk?

That’s right. Me, baby. Me.

And that’s just one of the MANY things me and the Ol’ BethleHAMMER have in common. Yeah, we sort of chatted it up after the reading. We’re pretty much best friends now. But anyway, you guys totally shouldn’t be jealous. One NBA EXPERT talkin’ to another ain’t nothin’ to write home about – know what I mean? But yeah, we’re bros now. For reals.

Edit: 2/12/09
Hey guys, it’s Joe. As a preventative measure, I’d just like to say that Mike has never once spoken to Bethlehem Shoals. Not at the book reading. Not over the phone. Not when he camped outside Bethlehem’s hotel for a full 48 hours while he was in Portland. Bethlehem Shoals has no idea who Mike is, and he most likely never will, because Mike is a huge douche. Thank you.

7:29 – “Like all Europeans, he knows how to shoot that outside shot.”

OK, seriously, Ricey. You might want to dial it back a bit.

7:31 – Travis has lost control of his shirttail, and I’m noticing that his jersey is enormous. It looks like he’s wearing one of Lisa Leslie’s sundresses or something. He JUST checked into the game! How is this possible?!

7:32 – For some reason, Rice decides to speak in depth about his experiences with Mario Elie and the World Basketball League, and Barrett uses the word “bugaboo.” This all happens within the span of about half a minute.

Second Quarter

7:35 – Aflac Random Stab: Who is the oldest player in NBA history? Ummm… Dave Corzine? Swen Nater? Dikembe? Greg???

7:43 – The Blazerdancers perform a cute little number to “I Want Candy” while wearing catholic schoolgirl outfits.

The NBA: It’s FAAAAANNNNNTASSSTIC!!!!!!!

7:57 – Isn’t Scotty Brooks doing a great job replacing P.J. Carlesimo? Of course, that’s a lot like saying that he’s doing a great job replacing Fidel Castro. You know, if Castro were a woefully incompetent basketball coach instead of a merciless dictator. 42-42 with three minutes to go in the half.

8:00 – Joe has just sent me a text. It reads: “Damn officials and their vendetta against Old Greg. And just cause they’re jealous of his sweet ’do.” Brilliant analysis, Green Pants.

8:08 – The Blaze end the half on a 9-0 run, capped by a Przybilla rejection that leads to a last-second ALIENSLAM in transition. That’s how you do it, fellas.

Halftime Thoughts

- Our bigs have to be more consistent. We should be blowing these guys out in rebounding and points in the paint.

- Eliminate the stupid mistakes. I’ve counted several turnovers and mishaps that were directly linked to lack of concentration. Shore up and focus, guys.

- We had one possession in the first half in which we moved the ball on offense. On that possession, we hit a wide-open three. I demand to see more of this.

Third Quarter

8:28 – I’M OLD GREGGGGGG!!!! Off to a good start.

8:34 – LaMarcus picks up his fourth foul while standing four feet away from the shooter. Tremendous call.

8:43 – Rice says that Greg is dominating the Thunder’s “skinny” lineup. Great success!

8:46 – Greg swats a Jeff Green dunk attempt, leading to J-Bay issuing a formal complaint with the NBA Dunk Competition Committee. I’m a little rusty at lip reading, but I think right after he threw that one down he said something like, “how you like me NOW, b----?!” Gotta love Portland’s resident Velociraptor.

8:50 – Russell Westbrook is killing us on the boards. He has FIVE offensive rebounds. Put. A body. On that man.

Fourth Quarter

8:55 – Travis air balls a classic “Travis Outlaw Neck-Breaker Face-Crusher Fall-Away 20-Footer.” I swear to God. That guy is actually going to give me a heart attack one of these days. For those of you who care, I want my tombstone to read:

Mike "Blade" Whitman

1985-2009
Smoker of Cigarettes, Defender of Justice, Stopper of Kobe.

8:59 – Bayless (?!) to Rudy on the alley-oop nearly seals the deal, but Rudy is fouled and can’t finish the jam.

9:00 – It’s 89-76, Blazers after an Outlaw three. It’s almost Brandon Roy time.

9:01 – Aflac answer: Nat Hickey, age 46. His last season was 1947-1948. How did I not get that? Oh, that’s right. It’s because they were still playing with a f---ing PEACH BASKET at that point.

9:02 – Exciting news, friends. It would seem that the random Rebecca Haarlow creeper who found his way to this site by searching Google for “Rebecca Harlow Nudes” is actually attending the game tonight, and seems to have plans to lure the lovely Rebecca into his web of seduction through the use of a Valentine’s Day sign made of cheap, red construction paper. Hey, I’ve heard worse plans.

9:08 – Speaking of romance, by now you must all realize that I don’t exactly…how can I put this…go on “dates” with “girls.” But if I did, I’m not sure I’d take her out for a spicy enchilada plate at Taco Bell. Actually, that seems like the worst idea since this guy called into the Jim Rome radio show.

9:10 – Hmmm. Seems we’ve been on a 16-2 run while I was, um, listening to that conversation about…sweatpants. And we did it without Roy on the floor. Way to go, guys. You earned this one.

Final Score:

Blazers 106
Thunder 92

Final Thought

This was a huge game tonight for Greg. It was important that he make a statement tonight, and that’s exactly what he did. Check these numbers: 16/10 with 3 blocks. As impressive as those stats are, what they don’t show is that he affected the game on both ends of the floor by doing the little things. He tipped rebounds to his teammates too many times to count tonight, giving us a bunch of extra possessions. He moved his feet. He set some good picks. As much as I hate to buy into the Oden/Durant deathmatch hype, I’ve got call it like I see it. And how I see it is all tied up at one game apiece.

Joe Knows – 2/6/09

2009-02-06T15:18:00.000-08:00

It’s that time again, folks. No, not Mike’s monthly bath, it’s the latest edition of Joe Knows! So sit yourself down, strap yourself in, shut yourself up, and get ready for Joe to drop some nuggets of NBA knowledge on ya:

1) Injuries

This week in the NBA has seen a flurry of injuries to important players. As we discussed last week, it started with Olowakandrew Vagynum going all Tony Jaa on Gerald Wallace, resulting in a collapsed lung.

Ironically, the next big name to fall was Bynum himself (sidenote: if he had been suspended a game for his foul on Crash this wouldn’t have happened. There, I mentioned it. Now shut up about karma for a while). The Next Great Non-Injury Prone Center’s MCL snapped like a dry twig when his left leg (different knee) was plowed into by none other than Mamba himself. Obviously, Kobe was the attention-starved 8-year-old big sister to Bynum’s newborn baby boy and (s)he got a little jealous. (On an unrelated note, Kobe scored 61 in his next game. Also, he bought a pair of pink sweatpants that say “hottie” across the butt).

Next to go were the point guards: Jameer Nelson and Chris Paul. Most of you maniacs out there probably saw CP3 pull up limping on a drive in the 3rd quarter of the Blazers-Hornets game on Monday. You probably also saw the Hornets 20-point lead disappear in about 2.78 seconds.

Look at that fourth quarter. I guess that without Chris Paul, the Hornets aren't fluent in 6 billion forms of communication OR any good at basketball.

With all the debates about how to define the league’s MVP, we can make it easier by creating a new category I like to call WTWBP (worst team without best player). After watching the last quarters of Monday’s game (and after the Bulls made the CP3-less Hornets look like these guys) it became clear that the Hornets grabbed the WTWBP title from the Cavs and haven’t looked back. Congratulations, New Orleans!

While Chris Paul’s injury won’t keep him out past the all-star break, the Magic are in a much tougher bind after JN14 was injured during Orlando’s 105-95 loss to Dallas. The latest reports are that Jameer has a torn labrum in his right shoulder. He now has the choice between rehabbing it in an attempt to come back this season or opting for season-ending shoulder surgery. Nelson’s ball-handling and three-point accuracy have been HUGE in creating opportunities for Turkoglu, Lewis, and Howard.

The notion of the Sixers being better without Elton Brand in the lineup has quickly turned from interesting but laughable to scarily accurate. Luckily for them, he’s having season-ending shoulder surgery. Hooray!

2) Oden vs. Durant I

Tonight’s game features the first matchup between players who don’t play the same position and are at different stages of development yet happened to be picked 1-2 in the 2007 draft!!!!! A SHOWDOWN, to say the least.

Seriously though, it should be fun to watch these guys on the floor at the same time, especially if Greg smashes everything in his path. Not much more to say here, but John Hollinger wrote a great breakdown so I’ll just refer you here.

3) Knick fans: Repent!

“A funny thing happened to me at Madison Square Garden the other day. I watched my team get torched by an opposing team’s superstar. And I cheered for him. Then it happened again. And I cheered again.”

Lost in the madness of Kobe and LBJ’s wild nights in New York was the disgusting acceptance of the Knicks’ getting whooped on consecutive nights at home. Now, this is nothing against the Knicks players who clearly tried (we’ve already been over my man-crush on Nate Robinson, so I won’t go into that). Rather, I am calling out Knick fans, who appear to take great pleasure in watching other teams’ players break records in MSG, and Mike D’Antoni, who flippantly dismissed the losses as if it was acceptable to give up 61 and 52 in consecutive games. In fact, D'Antoni was recently quoted here as saying "Plus, Knicks fans only get to see him once a season." Jesus Christ, D'Antoni, are you a fan or the head coach of an NBA team?

All I know is, even in the Blazers’ darkest days, I’d probably jump from the highest rafter in the Rose Garden if I heard a significant number of people cheering for a player on the opposite team. It makes me sick.

Nate, give them a stern talking to.

4) Blogfest at Powell's

Don’t forget folks, your very own Kobestoppers will be present at Powell’s books in Portland on Monday at 7:30! Be there!

Links! Basketball Links!

2009-02-04T04:28:00.000-08:00

What's crackin', maniacs? Hope you've all come down off that cloud after that tasty comeback victory in N'awlins, cause we've got business to attend to.

I guess a more apt title for today's post would be "Links, Videos and Random Thoughts," but since we don't have a section for that, you're just going to have to ignore this glaring continuity error.

Link: Totally factual information regarding one Black Mamba.

I've been laughing at this for three straight days. Join me, won't you?

Random Thought: Is Peja Stojakovic the greasiest man in the NBA?

I feel like he's got to be the odds-on favorite, doesn't he? Seriously, who else is even close? Manu? Oh Boy Oberto? Luis Scola? I still say Peja's greasier than the three of them put together. He's at the top of his game right now.

Video:

It's just a little something I cooked up last year. Yes, it's an original song. Yes, the machines are already assembling, and we need to thi...What? Oh, don't give me that look!! This is TOO basketball related! Look at me reppin' my Drex jersey. Plus my beanie. Plus...OK, OK, fine, it's a cheap plug. Sue me.

Random Thought: Michael Holton's Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson reference during the Hornets game might be my favorite thing that's ever come out of his mouth. Beautiful, Michael.

Link: An instant classic from '92.

This is one of my all-time favorite games. Those of you with decent memories will recall how this fourth quarter ends. I won't spoil it for those of you in the dark. Just watch it. Trust me. Oh, and make sure you click that little "watch in high quality" button. Makes a huge difference. Anyway, without further ado, take it away, Marv and Czar!

Random Thought: I love Mike Rice. And Mike Barrett. But mainly, Mike Rice.

Did anybody else catch Mike Rice being especially senile during the Hornets game? He mistook that canned, Nature Boy Flair "Wooooo!" that the audio guy plays after a free throw for the Hornets floor announcer arrogantly making "cat calls" at our team to rub in the big lead. I love you, Mike Rice.

Also, during the Superbowl I was thinking, man, I really wish the Mikes were watching this game with me right now. You think it would be weird for Barrett to just sit there and watch the game? I bet he couldn't restrain himself from calling the action. While everybody else was just screaming wildly during the Santonio Holmes Show, I bet you Barrett would have busted out a mighty fine "Roethlisberger in the pocket! Looking, looking... rifles one deep to the corner of the endzone!!!! CAUGHT by Santonio HOLMES!!!!!!!"

Only in dreams, dear friends. Only in dreams.

Link: And finally, another sorely disappointed websoldier has apparently made his way to Kobestoppers. Apologies, my good sir, but that is not what we do here. You're looking for the Mr. Potato Head Wearing Pro Sports Jerseys Store. It's just down the street.

Quick Update: Jazz at Blazers

2009-02-01T04:47:00.000-08:00

Yo maniacs. For those of you out of the loop, you'll be happy to know that I was able to come down off my NBA EXPERT throne and mingle with the plebes tonight in the Garden of Roses courtesy of my surrogate big brother Andrew buying reserve tickets many months ago. Great game. Great experience. I love our team.

Before we made the trek to the arena, however, we decided to take a little Basketball 101 refresher course, courtesy of a local North Portland community center.

I'm not ashamed (okay, so I'm a little ashamed...) to say that after approximately four minutes of full-court play, I felt like I was going to puke up my liver right there on the court. Remind me to never, EVER do something that stupid again.

One amusing side note: Being from little old southern Oregon, I rarely, if ever, am afforded the opportunity to play basketball against somebody who isn't white. When I walked into that gym and noticed that Andrew and I were the only two white dudes in there, for some reason, the first thing that popped into my head was that RIDICULOUS basketball scene in "American History X."

I'm still laughing to myself about that one. Oh, and in case you were wondering, neither of the games I played in ended with the phoniest-looking dunk in the histor y of hum ankind. Seriously, how could they think we wouldn't notice that Ed Norton sucks at basketball? He's awful. He's got one move: that cartoony, behind-the-back, scooper-duper lay-in. I'm sorry, I know it's a movie, but I refuse to believe that little old ED NORTON is going to walk onto a Venice Beach court, ICE COLD OFF THE BENCH, and take over the game like that. Never in a million years. Never happening.

Hmmm, this is sort of inspiring me to do a "most implausible sports scenes" list. Well, something for all seven of you readers to look forward to, huh?

Random thoughts from the 300 level:

- As soon as I found my seat, the jumbotron erupted with a familiar sound: "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. As my eyes darted to the unavoidably large monitor above the playing surface, I was thrilled to find a slick highlight of Brandon mesmerizing all in attendance. Naturally, my knee-jerk reaction was to jolt toward the beautiful orgy of sounds and colors. Andrew, you will never know how close I came to spilling your beer all over your crotch and crotch-related body parts.

- For some reason, the powers at be allowed one of the Blazerdancers to sing the national anthem tonight. Nothing personal, Ione (pronounced Eye-Own-E, apparently), but don't quit your day job. By the way, is it really necessary to have cheerleaders at pro sporting events? Do we really need T&A EVERYWHERE AT ALL TIMES?

Look, I watch basketball to watch basketball. I watch fights to watch fights. If I want to watch attractive young women shake that groove thang, I'll head to the Bada Bing, OK?

But it's not just the scantily clad ladies that cheapen the experience. It's the jumbotron, too (cool Roy HL notwithstanding). And it's the stupid contests that fans are made to watch during every single timeout. Example:

Between the first and second quarters tonight, we had to suffer through four jackasses in sumo suits living out their Superbowl fantasies with Blaze as all-time QB. In case you're curious, the jackasses representing Arizona won on a miraculous last-second touchdown pass. Oh, what's that? You couldn't care less about that stupid crap? You simply wanted to watch your team without having your intelligence insulted? Well, bad news, friends. The time of spending timeouts talking about the actual BASKETBALL GAME you're attending is long gone. Shame on you, NBA, for treating your fans like eight-year-olds in a Toys 'R' Us.

- OK, never mind, NBA. I get it, now. I understand why you do put on these ridiculous spectacles during the game.

Case in point: the jerk sitting behind me. I'm 100 percent positive that he is the biggest douche bag of the modern era. Yes, he even beats out Dmitri. Seriously, this guy sounded like he was about to wet himself when they started launching free T-shirts into the crowd.

But that's not all, my friends. Oh, no. The good Lord decided he was going to bless us even further by taking one of DoucheAss McBallsFace's ribs and creating THE DUMBEST WOMAN OF ALL TIME. Turns out DoucheAss is one of those guys who follows a team JUST enough so that he can feel superior to somebody who doesn't follow sports at all. Or, in this particular instance, so that he can show off his deep understanding of the game by naming most everybody on our roster to some Mentally Retarded Female .

I about lost it when I heard the MRF say (and this is a direct quote), "Ohhh, they have TWO guys from Spain??? NEAT!" Naturally, Douchey Howser, M.D. had something smart to say about the eclecticism of our talent pool, and naturally, Ugly Paris Hilton back there was like, SOOOOOOO impressed. It took all of my self-control to resist taking a swing at these two. They made Donnie and Marie look like Will and Amy.

Oh, and did I mention that after being invited to a most attractive young lady's apartment after the game, I somehow managed to crap the bed (figuratively, you smartasses) and screw the whole thing up?

I should probably just start smoking again.

- Up until the second quarter, I thought I had another jerk on my hands, this time sitting to my left. He opened the game by saying how Sergio was going to get "abused" by Deron Williams all night. I decided that such insolence would not stand and immediately delivered an impassioned speech about how much I love Sergio.

Yes, I love Sergio more than Bayless. Just--I DON'T WANT TO HERE IT RIGHT NOW, OKAY???? IT'S BEEN A LONG FREAKING NIGHT. I'll tell you about it later. Just...shut up for a second.

Anyway, as I was saying, dude starts hating on my man Serge just as they jump it up. First play of the game, Sergio nabs a steal. Next possession, he scores a quick two off some beautiful penetration into the lane. I emphasized my delight regarding both plays by screaming "YOU KNOW SERGIO?!!!" as loud as humanly possible in the direction of this naysayer. Though he wasn't wearing any Jazz gear, at that point I was fairly certain he was a BYU alum incognito.

Turns out, he was actually a pretty cool guy. He was just nervous because he had money on the game. The Blazers were giving 9 1/2 points to the road-weary Jazz, and I asked which way he bet. At first, he told me he was taking the points, to which I replied, "shame on you." Realizing his error, he quickly corrected himself and informed me that he was a Blazers fan and was in fact laying the points. He thought Sergio was too carefree with the ball and felt much more comfortable with Bayless running the point. Although I disagreed with his assessment, we gained each other's respect and went on to enjoy the game together as fellow maniacs, rooting not only for a victory, but also for a win by at least 10 points so homie would get paid.

Actually, I would say that this guy had a gambling problem if he wasn't so freaking good at it. Here's his betting record (at least, as much of it as we talked about):

1) He bet Pittsburgh to win the AFC at the beginning of the season at 5:1. Cha-ching.

Using those winnings, he made these bets and won all three:

2) Blazers to beat the spread vs. Jazz (Obviously we know what happened there)

3) Washington to cover against favorite ASU (UW won outright)

4) University of Portland to cover against #18 St. Mary's (UP won outright thanks to St. Mary's losing its best player the night before against Gonzaga.)

So, basically, this dude is a machine right now. I was THIS CLOSE to asking for his phone number so I could get his expert picks every week.

I mean, not that I, an NBA EXPERT in my own right, would actually even need any help in picking winners or anything. I just, thought, you know, it'd be fun to, um, compare notes, and... shut up.

Halftime highlights:

- Some jackass threw up a one-handed Hail Mary from half court to win a pickup. You can guess how that ended.

- Some high school cheerleaders were going to do a dance or something, but me and Andrew decided that making an exit to pay six bucks for a soda pop was a much, much better option than sitting through that s---. So, um, there you go. Halftime! Wooooo!

Random game-related highlights:

- Dick Bavetta is even more hilarious in person than he is on TV. Given two adjectives to describe Ol' ShrivelPuss, I would choose "demonstrative" and "lively."

- David Banner was at the game. So, you know...holla. Is that what the kids are saying nowadays? It changes so fast.

- Every time we gave the ball to Travis in isolation in the second half, my bud Andrew looked liked his jugular might explode from the sheer stress. His take on this particular offensive strategy: "God, man. It's like a heart attack on a plate." Whatever that means, I don't think it's good.

- We as a fan base care FAR too much about receiving free Chalupa coupons. I swear, we were sitting on 98 points for about four possessions, mostly due to the incessant chanting of CHA-LU-PAS! CHA-LU-PAS! It's just a damned flat-bread taco, people. Get over it.

Best moment of the night:

This one is a tie. Both moments were equally entertaining.

1) As a joke, the director threw up a shot of Brevin Knight and Matt Harpring on the jumbotron Kiss Cam. Fighting through his hearty chuckles, Brevin reached over and planted one on the temple of an oblivious Harpring. Both of these guys get style points in my book for being good sports, especially Brevin. It's fun to see guys in pro sports who don't take themselves serious enough to be offended by a harmless practical joke. Well done, guys.

2) Two smoking hot ladies in the crowd were holding up a sign featuring Rudy's face pasted onto a robed, duel lightsaber-wielding badass with text reading "Rudy is a Jedi."

I'll give you guys a second to let that sink in.

Final non-Blazer thoughts from a tremendous sports weekend:

- What. A. Superbowl.

It's a shame that Ol' Graybeard couldn't get it done. But what can I say? Real life sucks.

Larry Fitzgerald, you're a man. Respect.

Santonio Holmes, that was one of the greatest catches I've ever seen. Pro ball, college ball, my back yard, anywhere. You should have that ball bronzed, brother.

I still hate "Ben."

I wish my 49ers were better.

- Rafael Nadal is a freak.

If you didn't watch that five-set, Nadal/Federer Aussie Open final at 4am like I did, you missed out, fool. Rafa's going to win at least three more consecutive French Opens and at least one of the other majors in each of those years. I'm sure he'll get at least one US Open, making him the first man to win the Slam since Andre (I think). The only question about this guy is how long can he endure the punishment his style of play inflicts on his body. Time will tell, but in my opinion, Nadal's biggest competition from here on out is Father Time (no disrespect to Fed).

Did I mention that I'm basically nocturnal now?

- Georges St. Pierre is another freak.

Honestly, GSP has exceeded all my expectations. When he beat Matt Hughes in their rematch, I said that he'd hold on to that title for as long as he wanted to keep fighting. A mental lapse against heavy underdog Matt Serra cost him his title and stamped him with the unfair and inaccurate label of "mentally weak."

After watching what he did to current lightweight and former welterweight king BJ Penn at UFC 94 this Saturday, I don't know if we'll ever see GSP lose again. My prediction for the next year: he'll take Thiago Alves down and either TKO or submit him. Then he'll move up to 185 and have a superfight with my boy, middleweight champion Anderson Silva. He'll take Anderson down and grind out a five-round decision, much to my chagrin. After that? Who knows. But I don't see anybody at 170 or 185 touching GSP until he either A) gets old or B) gets injured.

Well, that's it, maniacs. I'm out of here. Get geared up to take some names in the Big Easy.

Joe Knows

2009-01-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

Hola, amigos, and welcome back to another edition of Joe Knows. We have a slate of things to discuss today, so let's get started with:

1) Mike Rice is amazing and I love him.

During last night's game against the Bobcats, the Ol' Rice Paddy pulled out this gem in the first quarter:

Mike Barrett: "That's Adam Morrison's second foul and he'll be headed to the bench."

Mike Rice: "And that's bad news for the Blazers. If you're a Blazer, you want Adam Morrison out there on the court."

Harsh. If the fans in the Rose Garden could hear him, I like to think they would have started a slow clap for him as this statement sunk in. Also, I almost feel bad for pointing this out because I'm afraid some narc might change it, but Mikey's wikipedia page features this tidbit added by someone very, very wise:

"Rice is known as a red-faced and jolly family man, who enjoys drinking Bombay Sapphire tonics and really any gin and tonic for that matter or whiskey regardless of label, during halftime breaks or in between full time-outs."

I knew it! In my dreams Mike Rice always smells like Christmas trees...um...

2) Midseason Awards

Yes, yes, I know you're tired of reading every moron's opinion on who is the MVP, ROY, COY, etc etc. That's why here at Kobestoppers we're doing it a little differently.

MVP (Most Vicious Punking):

You know we're a bit biased here, this just happened on Monday, we already discussed it heavily, and it's Cheikh Samb, but still. Nasty.

Honorable mention: D-Wade over Okafor,
Lebron over Deng

ROY (Rabidly Overhyped of the Year)

Maybe I just hate JR Smith, but between his cocky-ass attitude, his horribly disgusting 'stache, and the huge amount of "Most Improved Player" hype surrounding him at the beginning of the year, I have been wildly unimpressed by this volume shooter's play this season.

Also, JR, it's called "defense." It's a concept wherein, in addition attempting to score the basketball yourself (called "offense," but you know that) you attempt to prevent the other team from scoring. It's sweeping the league.

Honorable mention: Ron Artest, The entire Clippers roster

COY (Creeper of the Year):

Eddy Curry.

The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky "in the nude," allegedly telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."

Enough said.

Honorable Mention: No one is even close.

DPOY (Douchebag Pompous-ass of the Year):

Yes, Kevin, we're talking about you. Stop sneering at us and listen for a seco...ok, get up off the ground and stop barking like a jackass, you're emba...uh...did you just spit on me?

No one has been a bigger D-bag this season than Kevin "The Big Ticket" Garnett. Whether he was pounding his chest and sneering at other players, getting down on all fours and barking like a dog at a rookie point guard, or screaming obscenities at fans at other arenas, Garnett's unique swagger, energy, and enthusiasm has been replaced by bigotry, pompousness, and flat-out disrespect. Boo.

Honorable mention: ~~Kobe Bryant~~ Mamba, Olowakandrew Vagynum, Lebron James, Stephon Marbury, Darius Miles

3) Are the Blazers going to make a trade?

The trade deadline is rapidly approaching and there has been rampant speculation as to what kind of tricks KP and the Blazers have up their sleeves. Let's take a look at some players that Kobestopper Joe thinks Portland might be interested in using RLEC on:

Gerald Wallace

Honestly, a week ago, this was my guy. Wallace is an incredibly high-energy player on both ends of floor, capable of getting to the rim, hitting the three, and soaring for great blocks and rebounds. Needless to say, he'd be an upgrade over Travis Outlaw.

That said, after Olowakandrew Vagynum collapsed Crash's lung, I'm not sure GW is a viable trade option for the Blazers anymore. Not that he won't come back 100%, but more that we are looking for a short-term veteran player to help us build for the next year or two, and this injury may cut into his usefulness.

Richard Jefferson

RJ has evolved from a highly-athletic, dunking, Kenyon Martin-type player (they played together in New Jersey, if you'll recall) into an all-around player who can shoot and play solid defense. His biggest downside? Rebounding, as he's only averaging 4.8 boards on the season.

After the loss of Redd for the season, the Bucks may be looking to snatch up an expiring contract and wait for 2010. I have no doubt that RJ would love to get off the Bucks and onto a developing, playoff-caliber team. The question is, how well will he produce when he is the third or fourth or even fifth option on the team?

Kirk Hinrich

I love Hinrich for this team. His defensive intensity is far greater than Blake or Sergio, and we would likely package one of these two with RLEC if we were to make a move for him. Also, Chicago is firmly entrenched in the beginning of the Derrick Rose era, so it's not like they're holding out on Hinrich as their point guard of the future.

Hinrich has had a little difficulty shooting and scoring since his outburst (45% from the field) in the 06-07 season. That said, we know he can shoot the ball and I think he would benefit massively from a player like Brandon Roy alongside him.

Afraid no one wants to trade with us after the Miles debacle? Check this out (Yes, Henry Abbott plays Settlers of Cataan. Yes, that is cool).

4) Some love for Nate Robinson

I was watching the Knicks-Hawks game last night (in which Nate Robinson went off for 20 fourth-quarter points) and noticed that Nate the Great give a nice salute to the crowd. A Knick-fan friend of mine passed along this tidbit:

Best story of the night: Anybody remember seeing Nate Robinson go to the free throw line on Friday night and salute the crowd? Turns out he'd been playing Call of Duty online and was telling people that he plays for the Knicks. When this was met with disbelief, he vowed to give a salute at the free throw line in his next game to prove his identity to everybody. Sure enough, any COD players watching the Knicks face the Grizzlies got a salute from their teammate. Somehow, that story is all you need to understand Nate Robinson's persona..

Yup, that's right folks, Nate Robinson is an avid Call of Duty player. I was embarrassingly excited when I heard of him potentially coming to the Blazers a few weeks ago. He doesn't play much defense, LOVES to shoot the ball, and isn't a real point guard (not to mention that he is approximately the size of a Smurf), but he salutes his CoD-playing friends at the free throw line. Oh, and he throws down nasty alley-oops.

OK, that's enough Nate-Rob love for today...Man three days off is a long time.

PS: Kirilenko having surgery, out another month. Have I mentioned I hate the Jazz?

PPS: Is it just me, or do the Suns play the Spurs eight times a season?

Quick Update: Rudy Responds!

2009-01-29T03:41:00.000-08:00

Loyal readers (yeah, don't think I haven't noticed all you Johnny-come-lately's around here. I'll deal with you in good time...) will recall a certain post I made a few days ago regarding possible dunks for Rudy to perform in the contest.

I'm happy to inform you that upon my request, Rudy has taken a break from his busy playing schedule to review my suggestions and express his opinions (in English) to the Kobestoppers audience. So, without further ado, I give you Rudy "Vote Me" Fernandez:

The secrecies are shrouding my dunking prototypes. This is of necessity. But I have read your thought on the matter with interest.

5.) “Over the Rainbow”: I know that Portland has the greatest interest in hybrid vehicles. If I were to perform a hybrid of soccer and basketball, it would be a homage to this greeniness.

4.) “Star Trek VI”: Merely by thinking about this, I have thrown my real back out in the hypothetical attempting.

3.) “The Heart Throb”: I am concerned at the specificity of this suggestion. I am especially concerned about the chest-writing. I am most uncomfortable.

2.) “El Matador”: There is a fashion in which the motif of the bull-fighting might be corralled into a dunk. This is not it.

1.) “Cosas Buenas”: This has much in the ways of possibility. The phrase “Spanish condor” is a selling point. I am in the consideration mode!

To read more of El Mago's thoughts on dunking, Violet Palmer, and of course, his best bud Sergio, visit El Blog de Rudy.

Quick Update: Kobe Stopped

2009-01-28T09:49:00.000-08:00

I had the esteemed pleasure of watching last night's matchup between the LA Kobe and the Charlotte Bobcats. I could tell from watching the first period that this was going to be a close game: the Bobcats were hustling on both ends and the Kobe was not matching that energy.

The game was really getting interesting when the flagrantly douchebaggish Andrew Bynum elbowed Gerald Wallace in the ribs on a drive with 2:08 in the fourth, resulting in a flagrant foul.

Not only did this lead to Gerald Wallace in extreme pain on the ground (current speculation includes broken/bruised ribs and even potentially a collapsed lung), but it led to the following conversation between the Bad Dudes:

Striker (10:08:47 AM): we really need to come up with a derogatory nickname for andrew bynum
Blade (10:09:29 AM): Gynum
Blade (10:09:35 AM): VaGynum
Striker (10:09:37 AM): Vagynum?
Striker (10:09:38 AM): yes
Striker (10:09:40 AM): thats it
Blade (10:09:40 AM): nice
Blade (10:09:41 AM): NICE

...and that's how legends are made.

Anyway, the Bobcats did their best to choke away their late lead by missing seven consecutive free throws at one point to allow the LA Kobe to force overtime. Unfortunately for the Kobe, Mamba fouled out in the first overtime:

I can't foul out! You fouled out! You can't call a technical on me...I'll call a technical on you!

So entering the second overtime, the best player on each team was out of the game. That's like the two ~~football~~ jumpball teams from Starship Troopers playing without Rico and Zander!

God the future is awesome. Wait, it's already here...

In overtime #2, the Bobcats managed to accidentally make some free throws, allowing them to hold on against the LA Kobe's fearsome overtime line-up of Fisher-Farmar-Vujacic-Odom-Vagynum. Ugh.

How fitting that the Blazers have to clean up the LA Kobe's east coast slop yet again. Revenge is on our minds, I'm sure.

Joe Knows: Assault with a Leather Weapon Edition

2009-01-27T10:12:00.000-08:00

I'd prefer it if you didn't get in my way... Your loss.

Sweet sassy molassey.

Kobestopper Mike and I have been kicking around an idea for a post which showcases Brandon's "sneaky athleticism." It has become apparent to us that, not only is Roy's athleticism underrated (in the 2006 NBA draft combine, Brandon's vertical was 40.5", here are other NBA players for comparison), but he is sneakily explosive and will unexpectedly unleash something tremendous when given the opportunity. According to these people who probably have no credibility, Kobe's vertical is a mere 38". Suck it, Mamba.

Needless to say, we will no longer be worried about writing this piece. Anyone who reads this blog that still questions Brandon's athleticism is officially dubbed a Mambasucker, the lowest of the low.

An open letter to Cheikh Samb:

Dear Mr. Samb,

The Portland Trail Blazers would like to thank you for your contribution to the franchise's 2008-2009 NBA season. Your courage in the face of extreme adversity has resulted in a wonderful video clip and one of our best-selling posters of all time. In honor of your sacrifice, and on behalf of the entire Blazers organization, we would like to present you with this Brandon Roy-autographed poster of yourself.

Sincerely,

Larry Miller, Kevin Pritchard, and Paul Allen

PS: If you are interested in being an obstacle for the dunk contest, please respond to this email and we would be happy introduce you to Rudy Fernandez.

This was quite possibly the dunk of the year so far.

Sidenote:

I was at the game last night and with about 3 minutes left Clippers fans were leaving the stadium in full force. I thought I might try to get down by the tunnel so I could get an autograph or even just a high five. As I tried to make my way down there, I was stopped by a woman who takes tickets and told I couldn’t go down there.

I said, “But everyone is leaving, there’s no one down there. I’m just trying to see if I can say hey to any of the players.” She adamantly refused.

I then turned around to find an angry Staples Center manager or something giving me the stink-eye. I pleaded my case with him as well but he was quite rude, simply saying “you can either go back to your seat or you can leave.”

I guess the point is: is this typical of NBA arenas? I’ve been to the Rose Garden a couple times but never with decent enough seats to try to make my way down near the court. Besides, at the RG fans actually stay to the end of the game, so its not like its wide open.

I mean, I’m sorry, but I thought this was America?! Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it was America.

Blah blah blah security and all that, but c’mon. It's a spectator sport.

Running Diary - Blazers at Clippers

2009-01-27T06:10:00.000-08:00

1/26/09
7:19, PST

No time to waste, maniacs. Settle into your seats and grab your favorite brand of cheese-flavored aerosol paste, because Ol’ Mike’s got a buttload of pre-game observations for you:

7:20 – Let it be known: Kobestopper Joe is actually at this game, braving the City of Angels while wearing nothing but his LaMarcus jersey, all for the good of this site. OK, so he’s probably wearing some green pants, too. Whatever. Joe has promised to send me texts during the game, and I will keep you abreast of his courtside observations through the use of the STRIKER UPDATE mechanism.

7:21 - We need to blow these guys off the floor. They’re bad at their jobs.

Random Note: Check this out – yet another amusing Google search somehow landed a would-be Monty McCutchen assassin to our little corner of cyberspace.

7:22 - Stevsie is back in the starting lineup for the game tonight, unbeknownst to Mike Rice. A smirking Mike Barrett arrogantly questions Rice’s choice of Sergio as tonight’s X-Factor, postulating that Rice’s choice might have been different had the coach known of Blakey’s return. Luckily for Barrett’s nearly-orphaned children, Rice quells the hellish rage within his eyes and decides not to swallow his broadcast partner whole.

7:26 - CSN flashes a graphic titled “Let Me Assist You” while Michael and Tony talk about Sergio’s increased playing time and his 10.9 dimes per 48 minutes. Really, Comcast? That’s the best you got? Let me assist you? The correct title for that graphic was clearly “Assister Act.” You know it. I know it. The American people know it.

7:27 - Party Works still sucks.

7:28 - Greg and LaMarcus are super white-hot fire right now. Let’s give them the ball.

7:32 - Michael Holton pulls a General Zod and DEFIES his floor director, who is undoubtedly making the universal “wrap it up” sign. Holton calmly ignores the headset-wearing peon standing beside camera three and proceeds to talk at light speed for 20 seconds, finishing his rant about scouting reports and player tendencies with a satisfied half-smile. You guys remember when Tony Dungy sent the punt unit out on the field for a fourth-and-short, and Peyton Manning emasculated Dungy in front of the entire world by sending the punt unit BACK OFF the field? That’s what Holton just did to his floor director.

Michael Holton: Player of Basketball, Speaker of Words, Crusher of Souls.

7:34 – A BAD ASS hype video set to AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” is totally ruined by the Blazer theme performed by some band called Western Ariel. Why, God?

7:35 - On a scale of one to ten, with one being Alec Baldwin and ten being Jan Brady, how jealous do you think the Clipper Girls are of the Laker Girls? Eight? Nine?

7:37 - Mike Rice points out that Mike Dunleavy won Coach of the Year as Blazers coach during the ’99-’00 season. He neglects to mention that Dunleavy also won the coveted “Reddest, Puffiest Face of the Year” and “Worst Hair of the Year” awards that season and every season thereafter.

First Quarter

7:40 – STRIKER UPDATE: “I can’t believe Fred Jones is starting for the Clippers.”

Me either, buddy. Um…go Ducks?

7:41 – Brandon hits from 12 to start. Freddy answers right back with a three-pointer as if to say, “F--- you, Striker.”

7:44 – Steve looks like a bionic commando with that shoulder pad on.

7:47 – Brian Skinner, having apparently recovered from his flu, accidentally runs into Brandon and is whistled for the foul. After the collision, we’re treated to this exchange:

Barrett: …And Brian Skinner is called for the foul on Roy.
Rice: …mmm…yeah…mm…
Barrett: Well, I don’t think he meant anything by it…
Rice: I dunno…Anybody with gold at the bottom of their beard…I dunno.
Barrett: …We…uh…apologize…

7:48 – STRIKER UPDATE: “AWESOME Clips fan behind me: ‘gotta watch out for Brandon Roy, he’s gonna hit ’em allll day loooooonng on us.’”

7:53 – Greg is catching the ball with excellent position down low. When he’s that deep, it’s all over for the defense. Excellent back-to-back defensive possessions for us just now. That might be a first.

7:55 – STRIKER UPDATE: “An ALIEN just wandered on the court wearing a Blazer jersey.”

Lookin' good, Travis.

7:58 – Aflac time! Is it me, or are these questions getting easier and easier to understand? Two Blazer coaches have won Coach of the Year. Who are they? Well, as Rice pointed out in the pre-game, Dunleavy is one. The other could be Ramsay in ’76-’77. Or, it could be Adelman in ’91-’92. That team won, like, 68 games or something. I’m going with Adelman.

7:59 – Freddy’s really earning that 10-day contract. He’s 3-3 from three-point range with 11 points total. STRIKER UPDATE: “Fred Jones is killing us.”

No s---, green pants. 22-21, Clips.

Second Quarter

8:05 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Mmmm…ultimate nachos.”

It’s always food with him. Even when we were fighting f---ing ninjas in the f---ing White House, Joe had a corn dog in one hand the entire time. Unbelievable.

8:09 – There’s a quick shot of Paul Allen sitting with old friend Dan Akroyd. The former Elwood Blues appears to be sporting some rather large sunglasses, assumedly to avoid the riot that would break out when the 34 fans at the game noticed he was in attendance. You know, because he’s still REALLY famous and everything.

Three to one says less than 10 percent of the fans in attendance under the age of 30 could pick Dan Akroyd out of a lineup. Luckily, I would be among those in “the know.” I wonder if he’d sign my copy of “The Great Outdoors?”

8:11 – Oh my GOD. Rudy. Hook pass. No looking. Alley-oop Slamfest. LaMarcus.

I hope Joe brought a change of drawers after that one. Tied at 31.

8:22 – Blakey gets drilled by a Skinner pick and has to leave the game. Maybe Mike Rice was right about not trusting dudes with dyed beards…

Also, Greg absolutely MUST communicate to Steve on that pick. Let him know it’s coming, big man!

8:24 – I’M OLD GREGGGG!!!

8:29 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Oh, God. So many jalapenos. Also, how are they getting offensive boards over us?”

I have no idea, buddy. Hey! Jessica Alba!

Go get her, Joe. Remember your training.

8:31 – Brandon has 20 after back-to-back threes. Scratch that, 22. STRIKER UPDATE: “Has Roy missed? Eric Gordon is going to be a good player.”

No, he has not missed, and yes, E-Gord is going to be good. In my opinion, he looks like a young A.I. at times. 49-48, Blaze.

STRIKER’S HALFTIME THOUGHT-STRAVAGANZA:

- B-Roy is God.
- Let’s keep pounding it in to Greg
- We need to box the f--- out.
- Indians are dancing to Lil’ Wayne at halftime
- RLEC for Fred Jones? Hahahaha.
- Also, we just got called “the rowdy row” by some bitch that works at Staples.

Always the class act, Joe. To that, I will add:

- The defense needs to pick it up. Come on fellas, defend the pick and roll like you’re adults, huh?
- Nic, you need to stick to Gordon like glue. He is their only hope.
- Looks like Steve’s out for the second half, so Sergio and BayBay need to stay consistent.

Third Quarter

8:53 – Serge steals the ball and hits LMA on the trail for an easy jam. I like this very much.

8:54 – Ho. Lee. Sheeeeeeaaaaaaattt.

BAFFLED STRIKER UPDATE: "Holy s---, was that pass by Serge for real?"

It was indeed, Joseph. My jaw is still on the floor.

8:59 – Greg is too deep. Bad news for DeAndre Jordan. The celebration is short-lived, however, as Greg is then immediately Violet Palmer’d for his third foul.

9:02 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Little boy to cool Clips fan: ‘stop number seven.’ Cool man: ‘you can’t stop number seven.’”

9:07 – This Barq’s root beer is even frostier and tastier because I’m drinking it out of my Terry Porter Dairy Queen glass.

Mmmm. Delicious.

9:08 – Gordon throws one down in transition, but BRANDON ANSWERS RIGHT BACK!!!!!! Oh my GOD. I literally woke up the cat with that exuberant shriek I just made. Cheikh Samb, I do not know where you are from, but wherever that may be, you need to just pack up and go back home, my friend. You can’t recover from this.

Brandon dunked his f---ing headband off.

STRIKER SAYS: “Oh my God. I have never seen Brandon dunk on someone’s face like that.”

Me either, dude. I still don’t know if that actually happened. That was an MJ-style, “SIT CHO ASS DOWWWWN” jam.

9:13 - FROM THE DESK OF STRIKER: “The loudest this place has been was when they showed Jessica Alba on the jumbotron.”

Weak, Clipper fans. Really weak. Like, THIS is how weak you are.

9:18 - Rudy hits a three to end the quarter. Beautiful pass by Pryz.

STRIKER MUSES: “Great play by Rudy. He’s a basketball player.”

Right you are, Ken. 77-73, Blaze.

Fourth Quarter

9:19 – STRIKER COMMANDS: “I have good vibes about this fourth quarter. Striker says make it so.”

Travis seems to have heard him. He has seven points in two minutes so far. 85-73, Blaze.

9:26 – Aflac answer: Mike Shuler. Huh. Would not have guessed that. Actually, I didn’t guess that. You guys need a new basketball expert. I’m terrible.

STRIKER LIES: “Mike, for the last time, you are NOT a basketball expert. I bet you a bag of peanuts Mike Barrett just said ‘it’s Brandon Roy time.’”

Well, well. It would seem that Ol’ Joe now owes the EXPERT a bag of peanuts.

9:34 – We’re on a 15-3 run through the first six minutes.

9:38 – STRIKER SUPERIORITY COMPLEX: “And the Clipper fans head to the exits. Disgraceful.”

As I mentioned previously: weak, Clipper fans. Weak.

9:43 – Rudy attempts to use his Spanish charm to woo Violet Palmer into changing her call. Violet does not appears to be phased. How strange. I wonder if Rudy will blog about this later.

9:44 – Novak misses the FT to screw up a four-point play. Lucky.

9:46 – Rudy slams the door shut with a steal and behind-the-back dish to Travis for the jam plus the foul. The Jell-O’s gigglin’, maniacs.

STRIKER CONFRONTATION: “Annoying teenage Clips fan: ‘Greg Oden only plays garbage minutes.’ Me: ‘You’re losing by 17 points.’ Then Greg had a huge dunk and a huge block.”

Victory strikes again for the Bad Dudes.

Blade and Striker take no prisoners.

Final Score

Blazers: 113
Clippers: 88

Post-Game Thoughts

- Brandon had 33 for the game, and Travis had 16 in the fourth quarter. This helped us win.

- Brandon’s dunk will forever be stamped into my cortex. I will wake up every day for two weeks with a smile on my face because of that moment. As God as my witness, I WILL own that poster the second it is printed.

- I hope Stevesie is OK.

- Sergio is really coming into his own. So much so that I’ve decided to drop Blake and pick him up in my fantasy league. I have a bad feeling about Steve’s shoulder re-injury tonight. We’ll see if this pays off.

- We’re playing the Charlotte Hornets tomorrow, apparently. CSN, fire your graphics designer. Seriously.

I’ll end on one last thought from Joe.

STRIKER CONCLUSION: “Assholes at Staples Center won’t let me get down to get my jersey signed. I had a small conniption.”

I figure Joe’s about eight beers deep at this point, so the likelihood he actually got into a scrap with the usher is probably a coin flip. More on this as it develops.

Blowin' UP: Blogfest at Powell's

2009-01-26T14:39:00.001-08:00

Big news at Kobestoppers central today: Our good friends at Blazer's Edge are hosting Free Darko blogger Bethlehem Shoals at Powell's Books in downtown Portland on Monday, February 9th at 7:30.

Who is this Bethlehem Shoals fellow, you ask? Well, only a contributing author of The Macrophenomenal Basketball Almanac, a fantastic addition to your basketball library which delves into the cerebrum of some of the most fascinating figures in the NBA (except for a few...like B-Roy, Oden, Rudy, and Ike Diogu...ok, maybe not Ike, but you can tell I have a bone to pick).

In any case, various figures in sports (and Blazers) media will be there and everyone is invited! Mike and I will be there, chatting it up and schmoozing with whoever will talk to us. We will also be happy to sign whatever tattered fast food receipts you think are worthy of our signature (bring your own pen!).

I will direct you here for further instructions.

PS: Word is that the instupituous Steve Blake may return to the lineup for tonight's game against the Clipshow. He is listed as questionable. Mike Rice can barely keep his pants on.

Links! Basketball Links!

2009-01-26T02:23:00.001-08:00

What's crackin' maniacs? Everybody good and pumped up for tonight's game?? I know I am. Kobestopper Joe is even attending, live and in person. No, really. He's there. Right in the heart of the lion, gettin' ready to stomp those...uhh...

Wait, who are we playing again?

Ah yes. The Clips, of course. How could I forget? We need to take this game seriously.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "Mike, you're a huge loser. You're afraid of everybody we play. Just relax. The Clips are lousy. They got lucky last time."

To that, I will respond with this: First, there is no such thing as luck. The way the ball bounces is preordained by a merciless band of omnipotent, drunken space elves. Second, as I've learned from years of tutelage under both Bas R utten and Pat Morita, it is ALWAYS a bad idea to underestimate your opponent.

Now that we're all convinced we need to play hard for 48 minutes in order to beat this talented but underachieving Clippers squad, time to move on to...oh, actually...you know what? Never mind. It seems I've made a bit of an error in judgment, here.

Allow me to present the Clips' box score for their most recent game.

So, let me get this straight.

Baron, Kaman, Z-bo and Taylor are all out, and Camby, Skinner and Collins are all day-to-day?

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008-2009 Los Angeles Clippers!!!

Seriously, how are all 18 people in the Kobe Center going to contain their laughter during the starting lineups??

"And NOOOOWWWWWWWWWW........... AT CENNTERRRRRRR........... SIIXXX FOOT ELLEVVVENNNN.... UNNNNNDRAAAFFFFTED OUT OF TEXXXXASSSS AYYY ANNNN EMMMMMM...... NUMBER NIIIIINE......... DEEEEE-AHHHNNNDRAAYYYYYYYY JOOORRRDAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!!"

God, can you even believe that? DeAndre Jordan? Really??? I feel like we should start a Frye/Shavlik/Diogu frontcourt just to make the first half interesting. Those poor bastards might as well throw Bow Wow and Frankie Muniz out there.

In honor of the impending Clipper evisceration, we're doing an ALL ZACH RANDOLPH links post today. Feel better, big guy.

Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry, couldn't keep a straight face with that one. I hope that knee f---ing disintegrates. I really do.

He's a classy guy.

We're just warming up. That's what you call a little Zach-atizer before the main course.

"Cause he's a good team player, and he's a good shooter."

Um, I don't know where you're getting your information there, Little Zack, but neither of those qualities have ever been attributed to Big Zach. By anyone. Ever.

By the way, I couldn't embed the video. Sorry to all those especially lazy readers out there.

"I don't even know what he's doing, Leo."

Hey, remember when we had to watch this kind of stuff on a nightly basis? Wasn't that fun? MAN, I miss that.

"Come own eeeen. Come own EEEEEEEEEN."

Be forewarned. This is only for the especially masochistic. Behold: a day in the life of Z-bo as documented by a website for student athletes. He's changing his image. No, really, he is. New York's going to be different. Awwww, look at him play with the kids. Isn't that sweet? Hey, why are all those photographers around? Whatever. It's for the kids, right? Yeah, totally.

Night at the Starbury

No comment.

Running Diary - Wizards at Blazers

2009-01-25T05:26:00.000-08:00

1/25/09
6:47, PST

Pre-game thoughts

- I was able to flip on Comcast early enough to catch most of the pre-game show. I just want to take this opportunity to pat myself on the back and say, “great decision, Mike.” The package of Sergio playing a full-court game with all these elementary school kids was absolutely priceless. Somebody should tell Serge that he probably shouldn’t show off his sick handles and obvious superiority when playing against children half his height. It was eerily similar to Cosmo Kramer’s karate class. Oh well, something to work on for next time, right?

- This was an especially amusing Google search that navigated yet another inevitably unsatisfied customer to the Kobe Stop Shop. To answer your question, dear reader, I have absolutely no f---ing clue why everybody goes crazy for Brian Scalabrini.

- Don’t catch the Songaila. I hear it’s been going around.

- Thank GOD I’m finally getting to watch a game in HD around here. I was losing my freaking mind. Seriously, I felt like an animal while I was watching that standard-def garbage. It was like some wild beast was pooping on my eyeballs or something. I even stopped using utensils to eat my traditional in-game meal, because I didn’t really see the point in adhering to the simple f---ing conventions of common f---ing courtesy while right before my very eyes my f---ing intelligence was being insulted by THIS PUTRID OPTICAL ONSLAUGHT OF BLURRINESS AND SORROW.

- Joe Prunty: I like you OK, but you’re no Dean Demopoulos.

Time for some Kobestoppers’ Mini-Keys:

- Hold Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison to fewer than 40 points combined. Make them take tough shots, and don’t lose Nick Young around that three-point line, especially in the second half.

- Establish Greg down low early and often. The Wiz should have no answer for his size and growing offensive repertoire. Heck, even run the offense through him. I think we’ve reached that point, don’t you?

First Quarter

7:11 – We start the game with two ugly possessions, and we give up an uncontested lay-up. Great.

7:13 – Brandon drives though traffic and switches hands about four times, mid-air, before finally deciding, “yeah…I think I’ll use my right hand for this one. Yeah, let’s use Ol’ Righty. You know, just to mix it up.” Something tells me he’s looking to get started early and regain that 52-point form.

7:17 – Non-existent charge called on Greg. Thank you, Steve Javie! That’s EXACTLY what our young center needs! We wouldn’t want him to get TOO comfortable with his back to the basket, now would we? Mmmmmm? Mmmmmmm?

**makes Judge Smails face**

7:22 – Sexy jump hook by Greg. He’s looking sharp on offense and affecting shots on defense. Take that, Steve Javie.

7:24 – LaMarcus absolutely emasculates Jamison down low and dunks the ball like he wanted revenge on it for slapping his mama.

7:25 – LMA does the exact same thing on the next possession. Seriously, Antawn may want to go back to the locker room and get checked out by the team physician. You know, just to make sure he’s okay after those back-to-back on-court castrations.

7:27 – The Blaze are playing excellent team D. If we’d stop turning the ball over, we’d probably be up 19 instead of nine.

7:30 – Aflac time! Wilt grabbed the most boards ever against the Blaze with 31. Who is second on that list? My money (for the first time ever, incidentally) is on Kareem.

7:33 – I’m pretty sure Trav actually left the troposphere on that put-back attempt. Unfortunately, he was shoved during the play, so he missed the shot. What’s that? Hahahaha, no, no, of course there were no whistles. Why would there be? You clearly haven’t watched enough NBA basketball. Silly goose. The good news is that despite the missed bucket, Trav did register an offensive rebound. If he grabs five total tonight, Mike Rice has promised to take him out to lunch. There’s a sitcom premise if I ever saw one.

Sidenote – The new “Courtside” commercial is hilarious for multiple reasons, but I was actually quite impressed with Mike Barrett’s handles. Watching him spin that ball on his finger and rifle that left-handed chest pass, I immediately entertained the possibility that Barrett is a baller and smiled with delight at the prospect of playing with him in a pickup game. Watching Rice and Wheeler, however, I could only think of that disgusting, gluey, ice-cold porridge I was made to choke down every morning as a youngster. Yuck.

Second Quarter

7:39 – Our energy sucks to start the quarter. Looks like we’ve slipped into our well known but widely despised “well, these guys aren’t that good, so let’s just start screwing around” mode. The Wiz are on a 12-3 run.

7:43 – Greg is everywhere. He’s crashing the boards, moving his feet on defense and getting great position down low. He’s doing everything right. His energy is keeping us alive during this otherwise frustrating mental lapse. He just drew a charge against Jamison. Greg for president.

7:51 – A beautiful double team forces the Wiz to throw it away. On the break, Rudy lobs to Brandon who misses a tough finish, but the rebound is put back by Travis with a thunderous jam. What do you bet Travis was muttering “Applebees, Applebees, Applebees…” to himself as he sprinted toward the rack for that jam?

Mike Rice: master motivator.

8:03 – Well, the game has sort of deteriorated to what I would lovingly refer to as either “rat” or “jungle” ball. We’re up 36-28, but I’m having a hard time keeping track of the game due to both the sloppy play and my roommate playing “Velociraptor Safari” on his laptop right next to me. And yes, it is EXACTLY as cool as it sounds.

8:06 – Sergio fouls Caron on a three-point attempt with 4.9 seconds left in the half. How do you say “stupid” in Spanish? 39-31, Blazers.

Halftime Thoghts

- Greg is awesome.

- Antawn Jamison forgot to show up in the first half. Don’t expect him to repeat his performance for the last two quarters.

- Make some shots, and we will win this game. Seriously, we had to shoot like 15 percent in that second quarter. Make shots. Win the game. No, I don’t…I said…I SAID I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, OKAY? THE LAST THING I NEED IS THE F---ING “THERE’S MORE TO THE GAME THAN SHOOTING” SPEECH FROM F---ING HOOSIERS RIGHT NOW, OKAY??? JUST…just…make some shots, and everything will be cool. Okay, hands in.

**looks around huddle with intensity**

I love you guys. TEAM!!!

Third Quarter

8:30 – Sergio dishes to Nic, then Roy for back-to-back treys. It would appear that we’ve suddenly remembered how to shoot the basketball. Unfortunately, so have the Wizards. Looks like the two-headed, white-wig-wearing dog monster known as CarAntawn is heating up. By the way, Brandon has six steals.

8:31 – Just so you guys know, “GRED ODEN” cups are now available for purchase at McDonald’s. Nicely done, CSN graphics designer.

8:33 – Nicolas does his best Dominique Wilkins impression off another Sergio assist. I actually shivered when he threw that one down.

8:34 – I’M OLD GREGGGGGG!!!! Sergio has six dimes in six minutes of second half play. And there’s ANOTHER dunk from Greg, this time off an unbelievable touch pass from Aldridge. Man, we’re moving the ball around like we warmed up to Sweet Georgia Brown tonight.

8:41 – We’ve regained that first-quarter swagger. Excellent energy out of the first unit here to start the second half. 66-44, Blaze.

8:46 – Rice comments on Nic’s “grace” and “agility.” Agreed.

8:47 – Songaila tries to infect Pryz, but instead just ends up fouling him, thank God.

Fourth Quarter

8:54 – An injured DeShawn Stevenson makes an on-screen cameo. He’s sporting a bowtie and a blue crushed velvet jacket. Hmmm. Maybe he lost a bet, or…oh, wait, I KNOW. He’s probably friends with Kanye! Duhhhh.

9:10 – Just in case you were, um, distracted by my – I mean, YOUR – roommate’s new laptop fixation, “Jetpack Brontosaurus,” I’ll give you a quick recap of the last 15 minutes.

- Roy hit from 16, pushing the lead back to 20.

- Rudy is 0-7, and the bench is 1-16. Yes, that’s correct. Our bench is shooting 6.5 percent from the field. Woof.

- The Wiz drilled back-to-back threes to cut the lead to 14 with 9:30 to go.

- The answer to the Aflac Random Stab was Wes Unseld. Why didn’t I think of that? It’s always somebody who used to play for the team we’re currently playing. Maybe I should call Sylvan Learning Center.

- Greg has 18 points and 14 boards. It feels like he’s got about 9 dunks, too. Anyway, back to the game:

9:11 - Rudy finally hits an open three, and Brandon swipes his eighth and NINTH steals!! Holy crap. He’s got 22/6/6 and nine steals…wait…TEN STEALS!! That's not possible! That’s an NBA JAM stat line!!

Unreal. Just unreal.

9:14 – Back-to-back Wiz threes cut it to 14 with two minutes to go. Why can’t we ever step on an opponent’s throat? Frankly, it’s getting pretty annoying. Nate seems to feel the same way. I would NOT want to be in that huddle right now.

9:18 – It’s 96-84, and the Rose Garden is rabid with Chalupa lust. Travis steals, scores, and then scores again on the next possession!!! Cha-lu-pas! Cha-lu-pas!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Final Score

Blazers 100
Wizards 87

Final Thoughts

- Brandon set a franchise record tonight for steals in a single game. God, he’s so cool.

- Greg has arrived. I’m crowing his ass. He is who I think he is. Old Greg is also Rapidly Maturing Greg. Beware, rest of the Association, for many dunks and blocked shots are coming your way.

That's it, maniacs. Nice win tonight. Good effort out of everybody. High fives.

Now go out and buy some rotten fruit to throw at Zach on Monday.

Update: To read a equally funny and well-written play-by-play of last night's game, check out Truth About It for a Wiz fan's point of view.

Top 5: The Dog Guy

2009-01-23T16:16:00.000-08:00

Joe pointed this out to me today. I thought you might like to know that Bill Simmons' dog died.

Oh, what's that? You don't care? Wow. Imagine that. Here you were, looking for a sports column, and instead you ended up with a great big heaping pile of sentimental memories. How disappointed you must be.

Here's an excerpt of my IM conversation with Joe during which he sent me the link to the article in question. As you can tell, Joe was a little...um...animated, let's say.

Striker: we should make a quick note
Striker: about how bill simmons has written quite possibly the least-relevant article ever posted on espn
Blade: really?
Blade: what'd he write about?
Striker: his dog died
Blade: oh no
Striker: and he wrote an incredibly long rambling article about it
Striker: which they link to off of the front page
Striker: i mean
Striker: come ON
Striker: yes, thats sad
Striker: fine
Striker: whatever
Blade: i swear to god, simmons has the greatest job in the entire world
Blade: better than the president. better than King of Persia.
Striker: im not going to read a f---ing 2500 article on your f---ing dog that i have no attachment to and have never heard a single thing about in my life
Striker: jesus christ
Blade: carte blanche, dude
Striker: f--- espn for posting that garbage
Blade: he can do whatever he wants
Blade: with no consequences
Blade: none
Striker: f--- him for being so goddamn high and mighty that he thinks everyone else gives a f---
Striker: well yes he CAN do whatever he wants
Striker: we can write whatever we want on our blog
Blade: right
Striker: but we wouldnt do it
Blade: no
Striker: because it would be f---ing retarded
Blade: preach it
Striker: anyway
Striker: thats my rant
Striker: he can have whatever ridiculous opinions he wants, about whatever sports he wants
Striker: but for gods sake
Striker: WRITE ABOUT SPORTS

Look, as a former regular reader of the Sports Guy, I have to give him his due. His informal, stream-of-consciousness style of writing was fun to read and gave me something to aspire to as an 18-year old sports fan and writer. I imagine it's pretty clear to all fifteen people who read my stuff that my writing style is basically a cheap Sports Guy knockoff, which I'm fine with. Simmons is funny, and a ton of people read his stuff.

We may not always agree with his opinions, and we may think that often times he writes with about as much humility as Judge Smails plays golf, but all that would be forgivable if he would just go with what brought him to the dance.

Is it sad his dog died? Absolutely. That sucks. Bill, If you need to take some time off and write something in order to deal with your loss, we totally understand.

But I don't want to read about it on ESPN.

I know you're not a journalist, and I'm not saying you should be. Actually, I can't think of anything I'd rather be less than a journalist right now. But you ARE a sports writer for America's biggest sports media outlet, and it seems like you've been forgetting that fact more and more frequently.

It's fine if you don't want to write straight sports. Mixing personal anecdotes and pop culture references into the body of a column provides color and is hands down more entertaining to read than a stat sheet. Or, if you want to get more serious and write about life and death, that's OK, too. The piece you wrote about Jas Shaw's death was excellent. Outside of the 800 words you spent recapping the plot of "The Wire," I mean.

Bill, the bottom line is this: I'm afraid after reading that column that I can no longer halfheartedly defend you. Like my quasi-allegiance to the Kansas City Chiefs for no reason other than Joe Montana being traded from my beloved Niners, so too must my sometime loyalty to Bill Simmons die painfully in the fires of sports hell.

Am I just as bad for devoting an entire post to why I'm upset with Bill Simmons, even though he has no idea who I am? Actually, I think that makes me worse. Ah, screw it. So, I'm a hypocrite. That's not such a bad thing to be, right? And this list is going to be so much fun.

Here are the top five things we're tired of Bill Simmons writing about instead of sports:

5) House, The Guy Who Knows Things, and "that one time in Vegas..."

I don't care about the text that House just sent you, Bill. I really don't. But you know what I care about even less? That incredible run you had at the blackjack tables at 4 AM that one time. Write about sports.

4) That cute thing that his daughter did - aka "How can I reconcile my love for my little girl with my hatred for the WNBA."

I'm sure your daughter is lovely, Bill. We get it. You're a dad. Things are changing for you. We all hate the WNBA. Write about sports.

3) His dog, now, apparently.

For the love of God, write about sports.

2) "You guys know I totally worked on Jimmy Kimmel Live, right? It was pretty much the coolest thing in the ENTIRE WORLD."

Blah, blah, blah. Cousin Sal. Adam Corolla. Blah blah. Matthew McConaughey.

Write about sports.

1) The Sports Gal

We have our own wives and girlfriends, Bill. Well, not me, because I'm a huge loser...but a lot of your readers have their own wives and girlfriends, Bill. They understand the difference between men and women. They read sports in order to ESCAPE the nagging and the US Weekly and the Dr. Phil, not to read about how you're suffering through all that during your personal adventure in marriage.

Write...well, you know.

Running Diary - Lebron vs. Blazers

2009-01-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

What better way to cure a massive bout of diary-ah than with some extra strength running game diary of our beloved Trail Blazers versus the Cleveland Lebron? None, I say. So here we go:

Pre-game Thoughts:

- I can already tell, the emotions in this game are going to run high. After what happened last year on this court, you know the Blazers are looking for revenge. The Cavs have a less-than-perfect road record, with all 8 of their losses coming off away games. I wouldn’t call it bad blood, but it is definitely spirited rivalry at the least.

- In order for Greg to have an effective night he needs to STAY OUT OF FOUL TROUBLE. This means perimeter defense on Lebron, Mo Williams, and other drivers to keep Oden from picking up fouls. There, I’ve told you what to do. Now do it.

- Hand in hand with my previous bullet is this: make Lebron shoot from outside. He’s shooting 29% on three-pointers this season. Make him beat us from there.

- I just found out that us lucky league pass watchers are being treated to the Cleveland broadcast, so get ready for more “L-Trains,” “Throw the hammer downs,” and “In the Rose Gardens” than a sane man can take. Seriously, Austin Carr is the most annoying man on the planet. More on this to come.

- They are showing the Blazer introductions. Cool.

- LaMarcus is wearing a white headband instead of his usual black. If he has a bad game I’m blaming the headband.

First Quarter:

I hate this pre-game Lebron “look how cool I am I’ll make a commercial about me clapping chalk and make a billion dollars” routine. If you got chalk in Mike Rice’s bourbon he is going to freak…actually no, he probably won’t notice.

11:40 – Lebron fires from deep. This is exactly what we want.

11:25 – Aldridge hits a long jumper. I’m pretty sure I have written those words in the opening minutes of every game diary I’ve written.

10:50 – OLD GREG blocks Lebron’s layup from the left side. I pee a little.

10:38 – Anderson Varejao draws an offensive foul on Greg. What’s the over/under on garbage foul calls drawn by Varejao on Greg? I’m thinking 2.5.

Sidenote: Word on the street is that Monty Mccutchen, one of tonight’s referees, calls more fouls on the home team than any other referee at 51.6%. Great.

9:30 – Sergio hits a 3 from the corner. Yes, he is not a particularly good three-point shooter, but announcers touting his 29% from behind the arc fail to note that about 1/10 of his threes come from half court or further at the end of quarters. The Cleveland Lebron leads, 8-6.

Also, Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: They chastise Sergio for shooting a three, while Lebron is shooting an incredible 1% better from range.

9:07 – Varejao holds the ball above his head and jumps several times. In America, we call that a “travel.” This is an important concept for basketball players.

Sidenote: Anderson Varejao is an elementary school lunch lady. Someone get that man a hair net. Think of the children!

7:08 – Aldridge and Batum miss consecutive open jumpers, but Greg grabs an offensive board and finishes with a flush. Good aggressiveness on the boards ties the game at 12.

5:35 – Lebron hits an 18-footer, making it three in a row from outside. Batum is forcing Lebron outside like we want; unfortunately he’s making all his shots anyway. I don’t know what to do.

A commercial for Labatt Blue Light. I believe this beer is formed by the bonding of two hydrogen atoms with one oxygen atom. I like ‘em straight from the Brita filter.

Sidenote: Apparently Daniel Gibson likes to shave various things into his head. This sounds like a Cleveland team prank waiting to happen. They should shave a boob into his head. Get it, cause he’s Boobie? Shut up.

4:45 – Aldridge hits back-to-back shots: a running hook followed by a 10 footer. He’s got 8 early points.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: “Bayless wasn’t playing at the beginning of the year, and he was not happy about it.” This is just a complete lie. He wasn’t playing because HE IS A ROOKIE THIRD STRING POINT GUARD.

2:46 – Wally Szczerbiak grabs Przybilla by the arm like a useless female in a horror film trying to distract the mutant serial killer before it kills her boyfriend. Pryz simply taps in LMA’s miss and draws the foul. Oh, and he’s still going to kill Wally’s boyfriend.

1:31 – SICK dribble move by Sergio between his legs from behind to split the defenders but Aldridge misses the easy finish. LMA, you’re killing Sergio’s stat line.

0:00 – Wally hits a three with 7 seconds left, but Batum answers with a long jumper to end the quarter. The Lebron leads, 28-25.

Second Quarter:

Ok folks, this has waited too long. Troof must come to the light. Mike Brown IS Mr. Potato Head. It’s good to know that an assembled plastic toy is currently the popular choice for coach of the year. Dammit.

11:48 – Rudy hits a 3. In case you haven’t noticed, Rudy has made a three in 40 of the 41 games he has played and is currently in position to break the record for most three pointers in a season by a rookie (this record is currently held by Kerry Kittles). Also he is on pace to impregnate the most women with his mind in a season by a rookie (this record is not held by Kerry Kittles).

In my quick searching of Kerry Kittles I found this, which is far funnier:

HAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHA. Hahaha. Ha. Woooooooo.

10:19 – Newsflash: JJ Hickson appears to suck. He has 3 fouls.

9:55 – Mo Williams hits an open three in transition. Our three-point defense has been dreadful all year, and this is one team that we really can’t afford to give up open looks to.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: I have decided that Austin Carr is in fact the Scat Man. Both speak unintelligible gibberish, yet are somehow famous and somewhat respected. Both are incredibly annoying. The Scat Man made one song and disappeared. Can Austin Carr disappear? Please?

Quick excerpt from the song “The Scat Man”:

-Scatting-

I’m the scat man!

-Scatting-

I’m the scat man!

-Scatting-

Wee bababadabo bababadabo x4

-Scatting-

Glorious.

5:47 – Lebron is called for a carry. A tear opens in the space-time continuum. Lebron whines like a baby. The rift closes, all is back to normal.

4:35 – Lebron goes to the rack, resulting in the Scat Man saying something like “Scatbabadoodbie L-train! Skeebabadopeadope in the Rose Garden!”

3:35 – Roy drives to the hoop and flips in a running jumper, but he’s been quiet offensively so far. Blazers trail, 41-38.

3:20 – Lebron catches a backdoor alley-oop off a Mo Williams lob. He then stands there, arms outstretched, basking in his own glory. I am seriously disgusted by how much he loves himself.

0:25 – Mo Williams hits an impossible baseline shot over LaMarcus’ hand in his face. He is now 7-8 from the field, for 18 points. God. Dammit.

0:03 – I liked this play. Brandon stood at the top of the arc, idly dribbling time off of the clock. The Cleveland defense obviously scooted toward the middle to prepare for the Brandon drive. So, with two seconds on the shot clock, Brandon faked toward the basket and dished it to the side to Outlaw for the open three. Boom baby.

Halftime:

Unfortunately, the Blazers trail 53-45 after showing glimpses and then lapses of good defense.

- We allowed 6 points in the first 7 minutes of the second quarter, and 18 points in the last 5 minutes. Interestingly, Lebron was out for the first four minutes of the quarter. Is that interesting? Maybe not.

- Wally has 8 rebounds. Aldridge has 1 rebound. What’s wrong with this picture?

- The Cleveland Lebron is shooting 56% from the field. That better come way down or we are toast.

- Weeeee babadoobo deepbadabingo.

Third Quarter:

11:25 – Greg gets called for a foul after Varejao literally picked up Oden’s arm and dropped it on his face. This is just pathetic. Flopping I can handle, at least when a player attempts to create the illusion of contact by taking a charge when there isn’t enough contact. But this? This is just being that punk who is waving his arms around and poking you in the kidneys during a pick-up game. Varejao is just bitter because there were no leftover bean burritos after lunch.

8:52 – Lebron hits a 17-footer. The plan of keeping Lebron in front and making him a jumpshooter? Not working so well. He’s hit three long jumpshots already this quarter.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: “Break out the 20,000 crying towels, cause the Blazer fans are whining for every call." 30 seconds later both announcers cry out about a "flagrant" foul on Pryz which did not happen.

8:40 – Brandon takes an off-balance leaner late in the shot clock that misses completely, but Batum is there on the put back dunk! So sweet. 59-54, Cavs lead.

5:00 – Lebron hits back-to-back three pointers. The Scat Man murmurs something in scat. I begin preparing a bag of scat to throw at the Scat Man in case I ever see him.

3:15 – Aldridge faces up Varejao nicely and drops a 13-footer on his face.

1:05 – Bayless elevates and hits from 19 feet. Apparently Bayless is playing!

Here is Lebron's shot chart from the 3rd quarter:

So...we've stayed in front of him and made him a jumpshooter...it just isn't working anyway.

Fourth Quarter:

It’s a 74-69 Lebron lead, and if the Blazers don’t get some consistent play on both sides of the ball we are in trouble. As good as Roy is in the clutch in a close game, we don’t want a repeat of last year’s game.

Mike Brown has his googly-eyes in.

9:52 – Bayless hits two free throws and then makes a CIRCUS layup under two Cavs defenders. Man, at what point in a game do we just abandon all offensive sets and just let Bayless and Roy drive and dish? …maybe that is the offensive set.

8:25 – After two more Bayless free throws, Greg “fouls” Lebron to pick up his 5th and Nate immediately pulls him to save him for clutch minutes.

Oh. My. God. A commercial for www.FarmersOnly.com just aired, with the jingle: “You don’t have to be lonely, at farmersonly.com." I’m speechless.

6:46 – Roy goes left, finishes, and draws the foul. It’s looking like this finish might be the Roy/Lebron showdown. I don’t like those odds. That said, we’ve taken the lead, 82-81.

5:22 – Lebron hits AGAIN from three. If he is going to make ridiculous deep three pointers, I’m not sure there is anything we can do. 86-82, Cleveland.

2:55 – After trading baskets for a couple minutes, the Blazers begin trapping Lebron just across half court, forcing him to make a long pass inside. Unfortunately, that leaves us shorthanded to defend once the ball gets there. This time, though, Travis comes rushing back and unleashes a HUGE block on Lebron from behind. Portland cannot capitalize and then Mo Williams hits a 3 to put the Lebron up by 7.

That’s it folks. The Blazers hung around, making a couple threes and another basket, but the Cavs hit their free throws and held on to win. Brandon missed two driving layups in the last three minutes that would have been huge for us, but we can’t put this one on him. Our energy level, while good for periods of time, was not enough down the stretch.

The fabled Cleveland defense was in full force, holding the Blazers to 40% shooting on the night. Blake certainly would have helped us spread the defense tonight, as we were only 7-22 from behind the arc. Get well, buddy!

Final Score: Lebron 102, Blazers 98

Final Tally:
“L-trains” – 16.
“In the Rose Gardens” – 13
“Throws the hammer downs” – 9 (somehow, off of 4 dunks).

Until next time, skoobapadeedop biddibapapapow!

Quick Update: Mailbags and Top 5s

2009-01-22T07:11:00.000-08:00

What’s up, maniacs? Tough break tonight, what with all the collusion and corruption and whatnot. I mean, seriously, how is that fair? How can David Stern review the tape of that game and still say that his officials are 90 percent accurate? Give me a break. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: just about every NBA ref subscribes to chaos theory. This works out is great if you’re, say, the LA Kobe or the Cleveland Lebron, because the only consistent factor in the nonlinear equation that is the basketball game is this: when in doubt, give the superduperstar the call. If you happen to be a hardworking group of scrappy youngsters, however, it sucks pretty bad.

Sidenote: Hey Scott. So…I think I might have accidentally broken your Playstation controller when the refs sat on their whistles after BronBron plowed over Pryz in the fourth quarter. I…uh…dropped it. Accidentally, that is. So…um…sorry about that, man.

Now, to business. Since enough of you have been kind enough to read this putrid excuse for a sports blog, I’ve decided to use my Head Stopper powers to create a mailbag segment titled “Droppin’ Q's: Electromailers Wanna Know.”

Actually, you know, now that I’m reading that in print, it kind of sucks. Damn, that sounded so freaking cool in my head, too. Well, this is embarrassing. Um, I guess we’ll just call it “The Mailbag,” then. Or even just “Mailbag.” Yeah.

Anyway, send in your hoops questions, comments and concerns to this address:

mikewhitman33@gmail.com

You send 'em, and we’ll answer them quicker than you can spell Drazen Petrovic. But wait, there’s more!

We’re starting yet another new segment here at Kobestoppers called “Top 5,” wherein we count down our top fiveiest thoughts regarding any and all aspects of the NBA. Luckily for you guys, our inaugural effort is a doozy:

Top 5 Dunks we want to see Rudy pull off in the competition

Just to preface, here’s the IM conversation I had with Joe a few days before Rudy was voted into the contest:

Blade (12:39:07 PM): man, if rudy gets voted in
Blade (12:39:32 PM): how the heck is he going to win that thing???
Striker (12:39:38 PM): he wont
Striker (12:39:41 PM): he cant
Blade (12:39:43 PM): he gets up, don't get me wrong
Blade (12:39:56 PM): but it's impressive because he's ostensibly a short white guy
Blade (12:40:14 PM): and he does lots of his stuff off back pick alleyoops
Blade (12:40:34 PM): but it won't be 360s and freethrow line dunks
Striker (12:40:44 PM): no probably not
Blade (12:40:45 PM): or between the legs or any of that stuff we've gotten used to
Striker (12:40:49 PM): he cant win
Striker (12:40:51 PM): theres no way
Blade (12:41:03 PM): i want him to be in the 3 ball contest too
Striker (12:41:15 PM): he would be much better in the 3point contest
Striker (12:41:16 PM): much better

Now, before you all form an angry mob and light torches and burn us at the stake, just know that our Rudycrush has not faded even in the slightest. If anything, our concern for Rudy is so great that we’re both freaking the hell out about Rudy getting embarrassed by superior athletes. Also, if you haven’t thought about Rudy’s chances and gotten at least a little worried, then you’re lying to yourself.

But do not fear, dear readers, for we have a plan. In order for Rudy to become the NBA’s resident Rocky Balboa, he’s going to have to win with something other than pure athletic ability. Remember, he’s dunking against this guy. The bottom line is that Rudy has to get creative. All preconceived notions of what a dunk can or should be must be completely abandoned. Basically, Rudy has to reinvent the wheel. Difficult? Of course. But it’s not impossible. Spud did it in ’86, Vince did it in ’00, and we already touched on what Superman did last year. Here are five dunks that could possibly net Rudy that trophy:

5) “Over The Rainbow” – Chances are, you’ve already heard Ben’s report on BE regarding Rudy’s mastery over the rainbow kick. If he can pull this off, it’ll be jaw-dropping. We saw a little taste of the Eurofoot dunk-style from Nash and Stoudamire, but if Rudy lobbed it to himself with the rainbow and threw it down backwards, we’d be in uncharted territory. Speaking of which…

4) “Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country” – If the rainbow lob is the jab, then this has got to be the right cross. Imagine Rudy coming out of that handspring and exploding toward the rim at light speed. Can Rudy do this move? I have no idea. Is it even physically possible to dunk after doing this? Again, no clue. I’m not a scientist, but I do know this: the more flips you do, the higher you score. So Rudy, get to flippin’.

3) “The Heart Throb” – OK, this is sort of a long one, so bear with me. Rudy starts on the wing, wearing some type of tuxedo T-shirt. He’s holding a big bouquet of roses and sporting some of those fancy-shmansy euro-style shades. He lobs the ball high in the air, allowing himself time to rip off his shirt and cast the floral arrangement aside. As the ball hangs in the air, we notice that he has something written across his brawny, masculine chest: “TO MY SWEETHEART, LOVE RUDY.” Only then do we notice the stealthy but precise Sergio holding a Polaroid (assuming they can get a hold of some of that extinct film), capturing the photogenic Rudy just as he throws down a reverse jam. After Rudy comes down from a lengthy hang on the rim, he calmly produces a Sharpie from his sock, signs the picture, and gives it to some lucky lady courtside. This wouldn’t be the first time the “lob the ball and take my shirt off” dunk has been performed, but it would be the coolest variation to date. If Rudy also happened to have the words “VOTE ME” written huge on his back, I think this one would get some 10's.

2) “El Matador” – Corral a bull onto the court and dunk over that motherf---er. It’s as simple as that. 50.

1) “Cosas Buenas” aka “The Chip Douglas” – Sergio stands at the free throw line facing the basket. Rudy floats around half court. As Rudy makes his break for the basket, Sergio bounces the ball straight down and flings himself down on his hands and knees. Rudy then launches off of Serge’s back, picks the ball out of the air like a nectarine, and glides through the air like a Spanish condor before throwing it down with flair. Two points of interest: First, it would be extremely difficult to nail down this timing, Spanish telekinesis or no. Second, I’m not sure if this is actually legal. In fact, it’s probably not. But I figure, hey, if they’re going to allow Howard’s Superman “dunk” (really, more of a toss) based simply on the fact that it was the coolest thing in the history of the world, I imagine they’d look the other way for Rudy as well.

Think you’ve got a better one? Send it to us.

Now get out of here, you filthy animals. Navigate to a real basketball site and start preparing for those Wizards. What’s that? No, there are no “easy” games. You…what? Oh, well, because God might suddenly heal the Hibachi, that’s why. Just…shut up and stop asking me questions.

Except for the mailbag questions. Feel free to ask those.

Greg's Birthday Wish List

2009-01-21T11:04:00.000-08:00

On the eve of Greg Oden's 21st birthday, we at Kobestoppers have decided to put together a little wish list for Greg's big day.

1) Back-to-back dominant games.

So far in his career, Oden has struggled with the typical highs and lows of a rookie season. Unfortunately, these highs and lows have been magnified by enormous expectations (oh, and I think he had some kind of surgery last year? I can't remember).

To put it in perspective, Greg has had 12 double-doubles so far this season, in 35 games played. Yet, only once has he had consecutive doubles, way back on November 18th and 19th, and even those were not "dominant" games like the one he had last night against Milwaukee.

Greg knows: Why settle for a single when you can go for a double?

A strong showing against Cleveland would do wonders for his confidence, perhaps teaching him how to carry momentum from one solid performance into the next game.

Likelihood of it happening: Decent. Cleveland is missing Zydrunas Ilgauskus more than Mike misses his autographed Bill Walton head shot when he's out of town. Now, Ben Wallace and Anderson Varejao are nothing to sneeze at on the glass (please, don't sneeze on the glass), but they are no match for Greg if he's hustling. As long as our perimeter defense can help prevent Greg from picking up ticky-tacky fouls on driving guards, Oden should have a good shot at grabbing a bunch of offensive boards.

2) A face-up jump shot.

In my opinion, the one facet of the game in which Andrew Bynum is a step ahead of Old Greg is his straight-up mid-range game. Bynum has the ability to face up from 8-12 feet and knock down jumpers. This opens up a deluge of offensive options by putting added pressure on the defender(s). Since I simply cannot stand to have Bynum be better in any part of the game than Oden, I demand that Oden develop this ASAP.

Now, we know that Oden has soft hands (see below), and Mike and I have postulated that he may be closer to developing his jumper than it may seem at first glance. In each of the last two games, Oden put up little jumpers that weren't particularly close to going in, and I can only imagine that Nate was not really happy with that choice of shot. That said, in the right situations I would love to see Greg work on that touch.

We all know that beirut skills translate seamlessly to basketball. Or not. As if we didn't have enough to make fun of JJ Redick for...

Likelihood of it happening: High to very high. In fact, I'd stake my Army of Darkness Ash S-mart employee action figure on it. The only question is: when? If he can develop a semblance of a stroke this year, it will be quite valuable come the postseason. If not, I'd love to see that worked on over the summer.

3) NOT getting dunked on by Lebron James.

Let's be honest: centers get dunked on. Oftentimes this is the result of poor perimeter defense leading to the big man trying to slide over and make a play, but ending up on a poster. It's happened to Greg multiple times this year (most recently, Gerald Wallace found more holes in the Blazer defense than a Siamese twin blow-up doll) and will most certainly happen again.

However, what Greg does not need is a clip of one #1 pick dunking on another that will have ESPN simultaneously salivating and crapping their pants. Ideally it will be Greg doing the posterizing, but I'm sure LBJ will do his darnedest to prevent that. It might hurt his image!

I will take a life-size poster of this event though...then I'll just paste my face over hers and...uh...what? No, I mean...never mind.

Likelihood of it happening: Depends on our perimeter players. Nicolas, I'm looking at you. Stay in front of Lebron, give him space, let him shoot that 28% from behind the arc all he wants.

4) A PARTY!!!!!

Let's just say, if the Blazers had a game on Friday, I would not be the least bit surprised to see Greg suffering from the dreaded "Flu-like Symptoms." But Portland doesn't play until Saturday so I say, "drink 'em down, big man, drink 'em down!!" It's your 21st birthday after all.

But seriously, ditch these losers. Why are you at this sausagefest? You and Rudy OWN THIS TOWN. Go forth and slay.

Likelihood of it happening: Inevitable.

That's it for Greg's birthday list. Join us in wishing Greg the best on his 21st. Happy birthday Big Greg!!

Running Diary - Bucks at Blazers

2009-01-21T05:29:00.000-08:00

1/19/09
7:02 PM, PST

OBAMMAAAAAA!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!! CHANGGGGGGEEEEEE!!!!!! ETC!!!!!!!

Whew. Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk some ball.*

*Kobestoppers is in no way shape or form affiliated with the CSN talk show “Talkin’ Ball.” Thank God.

Pre-game Thoughts

- I’m so angry about being deprived of a Blake vs. Ridnour showdown that I actually just peed a little bit.

- Rebecca Harlow better being praying every night that I never get her number, because if I do, something similar to this masterpiece is definitely in her future.

- How to beat the Milwaukee Bucks, by Mike: Hold Redd and Jefferson to under 40 and keep Charlie Villanueva off the boards. Oh, and if at all possible, let Dan Gadzuric get as many easy touches as possible. Trust me on this one.

- I had a short conversation with Joe before the game that I thought I’d share with you guys:

Joe: So you’re doing the diary for the game tonight, right?
Mike: Yeah, I can do that.
Joe: Cool. Maybe this one will actually be half-decent.
Mike: Hey. I know for a fact that if I continue to do these running diaries, just like I continue to play pool, I’m going to get better at it.
Joe: Are you the next Bill Simmons?
Mike: If…yea…if I continue to drink that G2…WATCH OUT BILL SIMMONS.

- Before the game, Bob Delaney jokingly handed Mike Rice his whistle, offering Rice the chance to ref the game. First point: the Mikes laughed entirely too long about this. Seriously, they looked like they were in the front row for “Delirious.” Second point: Mike Rice, while generally not what most of us would call “coherent” during ballgames, actually would do a hell of a lot better job than 90 percent of the league’s referees. I swear to God, half the time they’re guessing blindly, and there are THREE OF THEM. Drives me nuts. OK, enough crying. It’s Greggerin’ time!

First Quarter

7:11 – Gadzuric receives the ball on the baseline and tumbles out of bounds like King Hippo after a Little Mac uppercut. Perfect.

7:13 – Real quick: doesn’t Villanueva look like a supervillain of some kind? Wait, on second thought, Scott Skiles is definitely the supervillain, and Charlie is his evil bodyguard. Seriously, I think they’re number one on my “coach and player on the same team who might actually hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world hostage” list.

7:15 – LaMarcus is 2-2 to start the game. We look sharp tonight, fellas. Brandon abuses Redd on a gnarly turnaround J, making it 10-2, Blazeshow.

7:18 – LaMarcus is now 3-3. What a sweet stroke this guy has. I can’t get over it. What do you call a guy who’s the franchise player, but he’s not? A McHale? A Pippen? Well, whatever it is, it’s definitely not a Gadzuric.

7:19 – I’M OLD GREG!!!! Man, is it me, or has it been a while since I’ve screamed that at the top of my lungs? You know, it actually kind of hurts when you’re not used to it. Ow.

7:21 – It’s 18-8 with 4:33 to go, and we’re really crashing the boards. This is the team I’m used to seeing. It’s good to be back home.

7:28 – Well, Greg’s all grown up (in case you weren’t listening the first 400 times he told you). Why does Comcast insist on torturing its viewers by airing the same eight commercials during every single freaking game? You tell me. I want to know. Really, go ahead and email me the answer, because for the love of God, I can’t figure it out.

7:34 – It’s 22-9, good guys, but our bench is getting beat up pretty bad. Milwaukee’s second unit is really taking it to us. Man, we really need Gadzuric back in there.

Second Quarter

7:38 – Oh, baby. We nearly had a little previewo of el dunko contesta (sorry to you native Spanish speakers, I was too lazy to go to Babelfish), but the basketball gods cruelly denied us a Spanish Inquisition alley-oop. By the way, if the basketball gods are reading this, know that I was going to perform a sacrifice of the flesh later, but now you can just forget about it, you jerks.

7:46 – Greg spins baseline for an easy two. Those are what I like to call gravy buckets. Look at poor Malik Allen, all covered in gravy like that. Get that boy a biscuit.

7:47 – Michael Redd suddenly wakes up and realizes that he’s the best player on his team. Unfortunate. Nate wants to talk it over. 31-30, Portland, with 6:21 to go.

7:55 – BEAUTIFUL high-low action between LaMarcus and Greg produces an earth-shattering jam by The Old One. Greg’s seal on his defender inside was absolutely perfect, and I demand to see more. He can do that type of stuff every single time down the floor. In case you hadn’t noticed, I really, really like Greg.

7:56 – Gadzuric misses a dunk, then hangs on the rim and his called for offensive interference when the ball slingshots off the rim when he finally lets go. MVP! MVP! MVP!

7:57 – So far we’ve heard from Bayless, Channing, and now Nate about the meaning of MLK Day. While we can all agree that if ever there was a well-deserved holiday, it’s this one (I’m looking at you, Valentine’s Day…), I’m still holding out hope that someday, some polarizing, renegade athlete will commit career suicide and say something like, “you know, I’m not really that into the Doctor. Equal rights for all, regardless of skin color, achieved through non-violence? Not really my thing.” That would completely destroy every awkward sports moment ever recorded on film. Joe Namath and Suzy Kolber? Adios. Janet Jackson’s booby malfunction? Toast. Even Al Campanis and Jimmy the Greek would go down in flames. Rodzilla, if you’re out there, please, please, please, start hitting the gym. I hear the Kings could use some toughness inside, and you know the Maloofs would at least consider it. I know you can do it. I believe in you.

8:02 – Hey, it’s Brian Wheeler’s birthday. Better call Bib Fortuna and make the party arrangements. Ay-Wanna-Wonga!!!! By the way, we’re up 45-40 as the half comes to a close.

Halftime Notes

- We’re certainly executing better than we did on the road trip, but the extra effort we displayed to battle back in New Jersey and Charlotte is disturbingly absent tonight, especially in that second quarter. Our bench just got outworked. It’s as simple as that.

- Greg is everywhere, much like the God of Abraham. He only has one foul, and his energy is unprecedented. Greg, whatever you had for breakfast, for the love of all that’s holy, keep eating that stuff.

- I love Dan Gaduric.

- LaMarcus really seems to have turned the corner. He’s affected the game on every single possession. Write it down: if he stays healthy, he’s going to be damn near unstoppable. And if that defense keeps improving, he’s going to be our version of Tim Duncan. Only, you know, um…athletic, and stuff.

Third Quarter

8:18 – Nic starts the half off right with a beautiful steal, then channels Travis and throws the ball away after his brief moment in the sun. However, we needn’t worry about that turnover because Greg has just harnessed the powers of the Flash and stolen the ball right back. Greg running the break? I like this very much.

8:26 – Now we’re finally cooking with gas, maniacs. 51-42, Blaze, with 4:52 to go. We’re moving the ball on offense and attacking both the rim and the backboards. Nic is cheating into passing lanes and Serge is pushing the ball up the floor. We might run away with this one.

8:27 – You know, if I had to describe Scott Skiles using only one word, I think that word would be “grumbly.”

8:29 – Cheesy Double Beef Burrito time again. As a former barista, I must say that I am profoundly disturbed at how badly the guy behind the counter gets dicked over in this commercial. Just give the guy the 89 cents, for God’s sake. Screw double the beef! I mean, look at yourself. Do you really NEED double the beef on that greasy cholesterol wrap that you’re about to devour? Just….TIP ME, DAMMIT. Sorry. We…uh…didn’t get a lot of tips down at the old Beanery, you know?

8:35 – More high-low action to Greg. Score the bucket AND THE FOUL.

8:36 – Look out, everybody. Tyronn Lue is in the building. I’m finding that I hate him a lot less without the dreads and the Lakers jersey. Huh.

8:38 – B-Rex catches in rhythm and let’s a three pointer fly…RIP CITY.

Sidenote: I love that Nate has left Greg in the game for so long. This accomplishes two things: first, in order to get in game shape, you have to actually play some minutes. Second, this game experience is going to prove invaluable come (with any luck, around) playoff time. He’s only got two fouls, so why not leave him in? He’s young. Go ahead and let him get tired. That’s good for the big fella. Nate better win coach of the year.

8:46 – RJ is fouled by Bayless on the break and scores an easy two. That makes eight quick points for the Bucks. Ruh-row.

8:47 – A Lue three caps a 10-3 Bucks run. Travis comes through with a clutch three of his own, but Jefferson answers right back to end the quarter. 71-64, Blaze.

Fourth Quarter

8:54 – Rudy drills a three, then draws a charge against a three-on-one break. Vote him. Oh, that’s right, we already did. 76-68, Blazers.

9:00 – Villanueva flops like an Argentine as Greg backs him down, and he justly receives no whistle. Greg scoffs at the Oscar-worthy performance, turns, and calmly dunks over Charlie’s corpse. My favorite part was how he carefully tiptoed over the body on his way back down the floor.

9:07 – Jefferson drives middle and jams, despite getting fouled on the arm. That was too easy. I’m starting to get a little nervous, here.

9:08 – Nevermind. I totally forgot about how Greg is currently matched up against Malik Allen. 22 points for Oden after that throwdown.

9:11 – Rid hits a step-back three to make it 91-83. Nice of him to finally join the game, wouldn’t you say?

9:15 – MAKE AN ASSESSMENT!!!!!! Wow. Greg got up SO high for that block, he’s still coming down. On the other end, he flips in a sweet, whirling dervish of a lefty hook for his 23rd and 24th points of the night.

9:17 – Sergio hits Rudy with a slick bounce pass for an easy two. Chalupas! Yep, it was touch-and-go for a while there, maniacs, but the Jell-O’s finally jigglin’.

Final Score:

Blazers: 102
Bucks: 85

Closing Thoughts

- Greg’s box score: 24/15 with two steals and two blocks. He set a new career high for points and tied his rebounding record. His energy was fantastic. He ran the floor, established himself down low and dominated the middle on defense, moving his feet beautifully to avoid picking up cheap fouls. Hell, he even laughed a little bit tonight. My guess is we’ll be seeing more of this type of play, especially against weak-ass, Milwaukee-esque front lines.

- LaMarcus…well, you already know. I love this guy.

- We played much better team defense tonight, and I think Greg’s lack of foul trouble was evidence of that. We collapsed on penetration and forced much tougher shots than we did against Charlotte.

- We still need to learn how to keep the intensity up for a full 48 minutes. That lull in the second quarter was painful to watch.

OK, maniacs. That’s it for me. Don’t forget, BronBron’s coming to town on Wednesday, so wear something nice. And for the love of God, as Striker previously stated, don’t even THINK about his mama.

Joe Knows

2009-01-20T14:57:00.000-08:00

What does Joe know today? Frankly, very little. Fortunately for you, what little I do know is related to the Blazers. Yippee.

1) Gregory Wayne Oden, Jr.

First of all, WOW that is a cool name. I am humbled. Let it be known that Greg "Bruce Wayne" Oden has his ~~41st~~ ~~31st~~ 21st birthday coming up on Thursday, January 22. Praise de Lloyd that there's no Friday game.

Second of all, Oden-haters the world 'round wept into their piña coladas last night as Oden dropped a nasty, filthy, mean 24/15 on the Milwaukee Bucks, including 2 steals and 2 blocks. Granted, the Bucks were soft down low even before they lost Andrew Bogut to an "achy back." With Bogut out, Charlie Villaneuva, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, and Dan Gadzuric looked like Snuggles the bear falling onto a stack of 25 Snuggle-washed towels.

That said, Oden's energy was fantastic all night. Every game he plays he appears to have more quickness, agility, explosiveness, and stamina than the last. Chances are you all know this already, but in case you are Colin Cowherd, a giant moron, or both: THIS GUY IS GOING TO BE REALLY REALLY GOOD.

2) Martell? Are you there? Martell?

In Webster's absence, I keep forgetting that he is on the team, then I remember and get really excited. Lately, however, this excitement has turned toward unease over his extended absence. Ever since he re-injured that foot, the Blazers organization has been disturbingly mum about his recovery and return date. The official ESPN injury report says "Webster (foot) is not expected to return until around the All-Star break."

Now, maybe Martell's recovery has simply been lost in the shuffle. Between the Darius Debacle, the unceasing Oden coverage, and an ever-tightening Western Conference playoff race, the Blazers have had a busy season.

Frankly, though, I don't buy it. My worst fear is that his foot is not recovering well. As we have learned from the chronic foot problems of players like Yao Ming and Grant Hill, foot injuries can be nagging and career-disrupting. Get well, Martell!

3) I would be interested in this guy but I'm sure Kevin Pritchard already scouted him.

On a related note, our old friend Mambasucker T had this to say about last night's game between the LA Kobe and the Cleveland Lebron:

"Did you see Mamba's courageous playing last night? A humbling performance on the eve of a historic inauguration. It's almost like he said:

I have seen the promise land, I have lived King's dream, my children will not want for anything that their minds can comprehend. MAMBA MAMBA."

I don't know about the rest, but I have no doubt that he said "MAMBA MAMBA."

4) Brandon's gonna look DAYUM fine in one of these:

That's it for now, folks. Let's hope Lebron still has a cold tomorrow. And for God's sake, don't heckle him about his momma!

Rudy is not every day a dunker...

2009-01-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

But he will be on February 14th in Phoenix, after Fernandez was selected as the fourth participant in the Sprite Rising Stars T-Mobile Fave Five Red Lobster Wood-Grilling McDonalds Big Mac...oh wait, it's a dunk contest? Cool.

In fact, not only did he win the fan voting, he crushed the other nominees, with almost twice as many votes as Joe Alexander and Russell Westbrook combined.

Kobestopper Mike and I were debating the merits of this selection. Now, readers: have no illusions about the size of our combined man-crush on El Mago, because it is huge. Actually, disturbing might be a better descriptor. Even so, we are a little worried about Rudy's success in the competition.

The receiving end of the Spanish Connection (wow that sounded wrong) has proved that he possesses unexpected athleticism:

However, we're talking about the BEST DUNKERS IN THE LEAGUE, here. Have you seen Nate Robinson jump? I swear his vertical is greater than his height! Dwight Howard is an absolute freak of nature.

Basically, unless Rudy can convince Dwight Howard to stand in front of the rim when he dunks or gets his hands on some flubber, it may be an early exit for our favorite Spaniard.

Update: I just realized the dunk contest is on Valentine's Day which, for a man possessing Rudy's aura of pure sexuality, can only be a good sign.

Running Diary - Blazers at Bobcats

2009-01-19T05:17:00.000-08:00

11/17/08
4:09 PM, PST

Pre-game Thoughts

I don’t have too many tonight, maniacs. See, I sort of got a late start today. I was…uh…saving some kittens from…uh…

OK, fine. So I was sleeping. Big freaking deal. Like you’ve never slept until 4 PM before. You guys are always so judgmental – always naysaying. How about you take a long look in the mirror before you start judging a sports comedy genius for what time he decides to get out of bed, huh? You make me sick.

Just kidding. You know I love you guys. You just make me so crazy sometimes, you know?

On an unrelated note, I’d like to voice the opinion of countless viewers and say that Rebecca Haarlow looks DAYYYUMMMM fine in that purple turtleneck. I’m literally making googly eyes at my TV screen.

OK, time for tip-off! We’ve pretty much played like garbage during this road trip so far, so I think it’s important that we gather some momentum before we head back home. Let’s do this thang.

Interesting. It seems that the Bobcats dancers have decided to perform a routine right before the tip, trapping the nascent basketball game in a purgatory of sorts, similar to General Zod’s imprisonment in the Phantom Zone. Hmmm. This looks like a job for a crotchety, old referee. Luckily, we just happen to have the oldest, crotchetiest referee on the face of the planet calling this game.

JOEY CRAWFORD IS A MAN. I’m serious. He is a MAN, and he is FORTY. Did you guys see that?! He just screamed at those poor cheerleaders and told the multimedia guy at the scorer’s table to turn that music down!! I pity the fool who unknowingly stumbles upon Joey Crawford’s lawn or refuses to accept his expired coupon.

First Quarter

4:11 – LaMarcus hits from 15 to start the game. Usually, this is good news for us.

4:12 – Ridiculous foul called on LMA against Okafor, and the basket counts. I swear to God, Joey. You’re terrible. You’re terrible at your job. You’re like one step away from Bennett Salvatore.

4:13 – Okafor posterizes Greg, and the 17 fans in attendance go absolutely APE*$@#. Pro basketball is huge in the Carolinas, if you hadn’t noticed.

4:16 – Uh oh. Here comes B-Rex. I can’t say for certain, but I imagine he’s going to do something along these lines.

4:18 – Bayless forgets that you only get eight seconds instead of 10 to get the ball across half court in the NBA, and nobody else on the floor runs back to the ball to help him out. No matter. Bayless’ blood reign of terror will begin soon enough.

4:21 – Whoa, check out Monty’s jacket over there on the bench. As the owner of several fine sport coats myself, I feel qualified to state conclusively that mustard is definitely Monty’s color. Bet that went over well with Nate at the coaches’ meeting.

30 minutes before tipoff:

Monty: Hey, coach. So I went over those specific game situations with Bayless like you told me. He seems to really be picking it up quick, you know? I can’t wait to see hi–

Nate: What the $#@* is this?

Monty: What, the…the jacket? You…don’t like it?

Nate: Get the *#%$ out of my sight. You look like the carpet in a whorehouse.

Monty: But Nate, I just –

Nate: NOW.

Monty slowly slinks out of the room, fighting back tears.

4:30 – All right, boys and girls – it’s Aflac time! When was the last time we had two all-stars on our team simultaneously? Could be Sheed and…Steve Smith? Damon? Nah, I’m going with my gut. Clyde and Terry in…’93, let’s say.

4:31 – Gerald Wallace goes coast to coast for an easy slam. Nate looks like he’s pretty happy with our start, here.

4:32 – As Wallace stands at the free throw line, I can’t help but notice his, um, oral…fixation, let’s say, with his mouthpiece. Ewwww.

4:33 – Juwan Howard hits an eight-footer over Greg. Wow, and here all this time I thought that Juwan Howard had been dead for like, six years. Bummer.

4:34 – ADAM MORRISON ALERT!!! All right, OK, fine. You got me. I wanted to draft the Stache. So what. Sue me. I’m a gangly, slow white guy with a decent set shot. We look after our own. 24-18, Charlotte.

Second Quarter

4:35 – God, we’ve had absolutely terrible starts during this road trip. Frustrating.

4:41 – LaMarcus is playing hard tonight. He’s really been stepping it up both offensively and defensively. Those long limbs are being put to good use – either through that high release on the fadeaway or by sneaking into passing lanes and breaking up entry passes. He’s playing more physical as well. All of this bodes well for both tonight and the future. I wish you could see the smile on my face right now. I know we’re down six and playing like garbage, but thinking about LaMarcus, I’m grinning like a retard with an all-day sucker.

4:43 – My favorite part of the Angry Whopper commercial? HALAPAINYAS!! On a related note, my buddy who loves Kobe (for future reference, I will refer to him as “Mambasucker T”) claims that the Angry Whopper, while tasty, is not actually all that spicy. But then again, neither was the Volcano Taco. Or the Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Or straight EFFING Tabasco sauce.

Mambasucker T: terrible sports fan, tremendous tolerance for both heat hot and spice hot.

4:44 – Mike Rice notices the Stache is guarding Brandon and immediately blurts out his unique and insightful belief that Brandon can score against Morrison. Of course Brandon can score on him!! My seven year-old niece could score on the Stache! Morrison’s on-ball D makes Larry Bird look like Scottie Pippen! I love Rice, but he must think we are all so incredibly stupid.

4:50 – Things I’ve noticed in the last 15 minutes:

- Greg’s footwork is getting better.

- LaMarcus is going to become a top-20 player in the next three years. On a related note, I was just wondering, is there anyway we can sort of “trade back” with Chicago? I think Tyrus Thomas would fit really well into our syst – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA.

- Bayless’ athleticism reminds me of a young Steve Francis or Stephon Marbury. JUST the athleticism, OK? Fact is, he’s a specimen, and if his court vision and basketball IQ develop along with his outside shot, he’s going to be a nightmare for defenders.

- Our team defense sucks tonight. Pitiful. Disgusting. Indefensible.

- We have forgotten how to make free throws. And as we’ve all been taught from an early age: You’ve got. To make. Your free throws.

5:05 - Brandon just scored his first FG, and it’s almost halftime. Somehow, we’re up by two points. Maybe they’re giving us extra ones tonight. You know, just for funsies.

5:07 – While in the kitchen procuring a vanilla pudding, I hear the words “Kobe stopper” come out of my roommate’s incredibly nice television. Whipping around, I knock my pudding to the floor and nearly lacerate my skull on an open cabinet door (Thanks, Scott) before hastily removing my cellular phone from my front pocket. In the midst of an uncontrollable seizure of excitement, I locate “Striker” in my address book and push the green button. Joe quickly cuts me off and explains calmly that Mike Rice was simply talking about Raja Bell and not plugging our crappy little blog. Suddenly I’m cold all over, and my eyes are moist with the tears of a thousand sorrows.

5:08 – We end the half by turning a four-point lead into a five-point deficit. Fantastic.

Halftime Notes

- LMA needs to be this aggressive every single night. You’re stronger than you think, big man. Attack your opponent.

- Charlotte ended the quarter on an 11-2 run. Unacceptable, but don’t get too upset. These types of ballgame giveaways have been getting less frequent over the last couple of seasons and that trend will continue. Trust me. Your patience will be rewarded.

- Note to Greg: study how Pryz plays D around the rim. Watch how he affects drivers and cutters without picking up fouls. Just keep watching and learning, Greg. Soon, you’ll realize it’s not all up to you, which reminds me…

- Our team defense is making me want to jump off a tall building. I know I already touched on this, but more needs to be said. We can’t just rely on Greg to defend the basket. It’s got to be one-on-five every time somebody penetrates.

- Note to self: steal Jeff Goldblum’s teleportation pods and use them to merge the DNA of Blake, Sergio and Bayless into one unstoppable BrundleGuard.

- Raja Bell or no, Brandon needs to step it up. If you’re not getting the calls inside, then shoot that jumper. It’ll start falling. Your stroke is too good for it not to. When it does, Raja will clamp down on you. Then the fun part comes. Go by him and dunk on Okafor’s face.

- Just before the third quarter starts, an incredulous Tony tells us that the Blazers are 7-15 from the line. As the crappy CSN graphic devours the studio, we can still hear him complaining about the lack of free throw consistency and paying homage to Schonz. We break for commercial, but not before Tony gets in one last “They’re FREE!!!!”

Third Quarter

5:25 – Brandon hits a J in Bell’s grill. That’s what I’m talking about.

5:27 – Oden and LMA crash the boards for two consecutive offensive rebounds before LaMarcus lays one in. Nate must give great halftime speeches.

5:28 – Mike Rice pronounces Okafor’s first name “Uh-Meeka.” I love it. 54-49, Cats.

5:29 – Brandon is 1-4 from the line. He looks tired and beat up from this trip.

5:32 – Good news, everyone. It appears that Jerryd can get to the rack whenever he pleases. We’re all tied up at 60.

5:34 – I’ve decided that Charlotte’s floor announcer is my least favorite in the NBA, narrowly edging out 16-time world heavyweight champion and biggest blowhard of all time, Ric Flair. Congratulations, ass.

5:38 – Well, now Brandon’s doing everything and I feel bad for chastising his disappearing act in the first half. Regardless, it shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing arrangement. We need to find our balance. The only problem is, it's much easier said than done. Make no mistake - this process is a tortuous one, filled with countless ass-beatings and overprotective mothers. But if you survive, you will be rewarded with the greatest gift in all the cosmos: a super-hot makeout sesh at Golf ’N Stuff with Elizabeth Shue in her prime.

5:48 – We look like 10 individuals out there instead of a team. Can somebody make a call to Gene Hackman and see if he’ll sign on as an assistant? And no, Dennis Hopper may not come with.

5:49 – It would seem that Greg has named his dog Charles Barkley McLovin’. Um…moving on.

Fourth Quarter

5:50 – We’re tied at 67 to start the quarter, and in a bizarro-worthy turn of events, Rudy dishes to Sergio for an easy two.

5:52 – Wallace has 25 points. He’s driving to the rack at will, and that mouthpiece is just all OVER the place.

5:57 – Aflac answer: Clyde and Cliff in ’94. You remember, before we totally dismantled the team that was more beloved in Portland than the Christ himself? But I digress…

6:02 – Wallace posterizes Greg for the second time tonight, this one coming on the business end of a one-handed alley-oop. That’s bad for us.

6:04 – Greg picks up his sixth foul and the jerk at the scorer’s table plays “Hit the Road, Jack.” The biggest d-bag I’ve ever seen stands up and waves goodbye to Greg from the first row. Oh MAN, this kid is a douche. I wish you guys could see hi – OH MY GOD I FOUND THIS IDIOT ON YOUTUBE.

By my count, he had FOUR Okafor jerseys in that room – two on the table, one on the wall, and one on that pasty, Carolinian torso. Who has four jerseys of the same player? Nobody, that’s who. If you want a home and an away, that’s fine, but the fact is he borrowed at least two of those from somebody else. What a phony. It’s too bad he isn’t wearing the giant gold chain he had on at the game. That’s really the turd cherry on the #@$* sundae.

6:11 – It’s 84-81, Bobbies with 3:20 to go, and you could hear a pin drop in that building. To whom it may concern: the South doesn’t give a crap about pro sports that don’t involve turning left 500 times. Stop giving these people franchises.

6:23 – After a nice sequence of Blazer possessions to sneak back into the game, it’s tied at 88 with 25 seconds left. Out of a timeout, Raymond Felton banks in a 12-footer from straight on, giving Charlotte the lead with 15 seconds left. Note to self: find out which God Felton prays to and immediately CONVERT TO THAT GOD.

6:24 – Brandon tips in his own miss to tie the game again. On the ensuing Charlotte possession, Bayless busts out some sick nasty on-ball D, but Okafor nearly tips in the missed jumper. Good Lord, I’m out of breath. Just give me a second to sit down and catch my breath here.

Overtime

Outside of a sweet drive and lefty finish by Brandon, we looked like garbage during OT. The offense was stagnant, and our interior defense was hideous. We didn’t deserve to win this game, and sure enough, we didn’t. This wasn’t as bad as the Philly fiasco, but it was one of our poorer performances all year. We’re better than the freaking Bobcats, OK?

Oh, I almost forgot. Did anybody else hear Mike Rice literally WHINNY after Brandon missed a shot that’s usually money? I swear to God, I hope that man lives 1,000 years, because I cannot imagine not having him around. He’s gold. Solid gold.

Quick Update: Kobe Stopped

2009-01-16T22:18:00.000-08:00

In a very special Quick Update, it is my distinct pleasure to present you with tonight's honorary Kobestopper:

That's right folks, it's Jameer Effing Nelson. In case you haven't been paying attention this year, he's been ripping it up. Here's his box score for tonight: 28/6/8 on 9 for 18 shooting and 7 for 8 from the line. Oh yeah, and he also hit 3 three-pointers. This is especially good for me, not only because he stuck it to the Mamba, but also because he's on my fantasy team.

Now, some might point to Kobe's triple-double tonight as evidence that he was in fact not stopped, but I beg to differ, dear friends. The LA Kobe was defeated on its home court, despite Mr. Colorado's best efforts. That sounds like an ass whooping to me.

So, Jameer Nelson, we salute you for doing your duty and banishing Kobe back to the hellish depths whence he came.

Suck it, Mamba.

Jerryd Baymore

2009-01-16T14:53:00.000-08:00

If you're like me, you've already watched this countless times, but here it is anyway:

I love how he is so excited by this play that he didn't even notice he got fouled (and frankly, he didn't get fouled).

I think it is time for an all-Blazer dunk contest, maybe on fan appreciation night? Bayless vs. Rudy vs. Outlaw. Enough said.

Running Diary - Blazers at 76ers

2009-01-16T04:22:00.000-08:00

1/14/09
3:52 PM, PST

Yes, I realize that it’s been a long-ass time since our last running diary, and YES, you can all stop your freaking whining, OK? Do you know how many starving children in China don’t even HAVE running diaries?! Huh?! Do you?!

Seriously, how excited are you guys right now? I’m about to blow a gasket. I can’t wait for this thing. If I had to sum up my level of anticipation and excitement in one random Youtube video, it would have to be this one:

Pre-Game

3:53 – No Rudy tonight. His foot’s not feelin’ so hot. That’s okay, Rudy. Rest it up, big man. We’re still going to vote you.

3:54 – So, let me get this straight. If I get a Bowflex, I can have a body like THAT guy? Does that also mean my face will turn into a synthetic rubber mask like his? Jesus.

3:56 – OK, we’re in Philly, so clearly, the pre-game hype video HAS to be set to the Rocky theme, right? Oh man, this is gonna be SO sweet.

3:57 – Bon. F*#$ing. Jovi. Unbelivable. I’m baffled. It’s baffling. Somebody tell the crew that we’ve got the Nets tomorrow night, and that whoever chose “You Give Love a Bad Name” for tonight’s hype video will be beheaded at halftime with extreme prejudice.

Oh yeah, and that reminds me – the suffering isn’t over, because it’s time for everybody’s favorite theme song...

3:58 – Ba nanananananananananaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! DAMN THIS SONG. Led freaking Zeppelin couldn’t perform this piece of trash and make it tolerable. For the love of God, I’m begging someone to stop this.

4:00 – Crappy...elementary school...choir...performing.....national anthem....at....midcourt. Arghhhhh....sucks...too.....much....can’t...talk....can’t....breathe...

I don’t know much in this crazy, crazy world. But I do know this: that sort of thing NEVER would have happened in the Spectrum. May the ghost of Henry Bibby haunt you for all times.

4:08 – OK, here we go. Just about game time, so...oh, wait. Never mind. Here come Rice’s keys to the game.

4:09 – Keep them out of the paint and to score more points than they do. That’s what he just told us, and the man had THREE KEYS to work with. As Ol’ Green Pants would say – GADZOOKS!

First Quarter

4:10 – We’re trying to establish Greg early down low. He’s 0-2, but I like the idea.

4:11 – Philly’s playing aggressive D early. Lots of hands swiping at balls.

4:12 – Hahahahahahahaha.

4:13 – Ahhhem. Um, since Philly is playing such tight defense, we should be able to go by them and get to the rack. Either that, or find backdoor cutters when defenders are cheating in the passing lanes. Instead, we’re throwing up bricks from God-knows-where. We’re 0-4. Not the start I would have liked.

4:14 – Tony WHO??? When did Mo Cheeks get fired?! Why wasn’t I told?! Well, so much for being an NBA “expert,” huh?

4:15 – Joe has just informed me that no one, other than myself of course, has ever thought of me as an NBA “expert,” so there is no reason to feel ashamed. What a relief.

4:17 – Lousy transition D results in a Thaddeus Young dunk, and it’s 14-6, bad guys. After a Nate timeout, Barrett makes fun of Philly’s fandom by stating that a crowd numbering “in the tens” is fired up. Classic Barrett, right there, folks. I love this guy.

4:19 – Two turnovers in two possessions after the timeout. Probably not how Nate drew it up. On a positive note, here comes Pryz!

4:21 – Another turnover. Philly’s up 12 now. Thad Young hits a three and LaMarcus is called for a charge. I don’t know if you guys are watching this, but...um...we’re not playing very well.

4:23 – Oh, great. Thanks for throwing a little salt in the open wound, Comcast. Look, we get it already. Channing makes hits. He wants to hold the crazy mask and not the pumpkin head. He fails his first attempt at a “vet move.” WikideewikideewikMUSIC. Free food. Rise with us. Please stop showing this.

4:28 – Annnnnnd there’s our seventh turnover in the first quarter. Philly leads 31-15 as the period comes to a close. This delicious plate of nachos I’ve been devouring offers me little consolation, in case you were wondering.

Second Quarter

4:35 – Aflac Random Stab time! Um, something about rebounds in a playoff series. Sounds like Bill Walton in the ’77 finals to me. Of course, they might be asking about team offensive rebounds in the preseason or something, so I wouldn’t bet the bank on this one. Or on any of these f#$*ng Aflac “questions.”

4:38 – Sweet Lou Williams hits a three. We’ve committed 10 turnovers is 13 minutes. Philly just threw down an easy transition dunk. Now let’s see here...where did I hide the arsenic, again?

4:40 – BAYLESS!!!! Oh. Oh my God. If that dunk had gone in....good Gawwwd.

4:41 – OK, you know what, Dwyane? With the exception of that nearly-missed jam from Bayless, neither my mama nor I like it. Jerk.

4:46 – Greg is called for a phantom travel, and it’s 43-21, Sixers.

4:48 – By the way, don’t forget to check out Trail Blazers Courtside this week with Mike Barrett, Mike Rice, and Jabba the Hutt.

Just kidding, maniacs. I’m sure Brian Wheeler is a lovely man. And from the few games I’ve listened to on the radio over the years, I must say that he is an awesome play-by-play guy. Boom Chakalaka.

4:56 – Alonzo Mourning’s super fly color-coordinated dress shirt, sunglasses, and Gatorade combo do little to soothe the red-hot flames of frustration coursing through my black heart.

4:58 – Channing enters the game for an “offensive boost.” Excuse me for a second. I just need to go find my .38 and that single hollow-point round I’ve been keeping for just such an occasion. Be right back.

5:02 – Big Sam Dalembert takes a knee to the crotch from a driving Roy. Every cloud has its silver lining, I suppose.

5:03 – Well, it hasn’t been the best first half, but at least – OH GOD STEVESIE!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED??!!!! SWEET LORD WE NEED PAUL PIERCE’S CALF MASSAGER GUY AGAIN!!!!! WHAT DID BLAKEY DO TO DESERVE THIS??!!!!! WHHHHHYYYYYY GODDDDDD!!???!!!!

I swear on the lives of all my future ex-wives that I will avenge you, Steve. For all those whom it may concern, let it be known:

I’m placing a bounty on Reggie Lewis’ head. Any NBA player who puts him on his back will find a crisp $20 bill in their locker after the game. Any player who ends his career gets a Rolls Royce. If he dies (and yes, he must be declared medically, legally dead by a physician of my choosing), you can have my most prized possession in all the world: my autographed Bill Walton head shot.

Are we clear on the stipulations? Excellent. Ready, set, BOUNTY!

Halftime Thoughts

I don’t mean to be a negativity spreader, but to paraphrase Larry Legend, we’re playing like a bunch of girls tonight. We’re down 22. At the half.

I’m going to be extremely disappointed if it turns out that the formula for beating us is just to turn up the aggressive dial defensively. LA did it. Boston did it. In a way, Golden State did it (until they remembered that they weren’t supposed to play any defense and started jogging from three point line to three point line so they could get up more shots), and Philly’s doing it tonight. Yes, I realize that Boston and the LA Kobe are arguably the best two teams in basketball, and yes, I know we played them on their own turf, but don’t dismiss what I’m saying. When defenders start slapping at us and we don’t get any whistles, we start to get intimidated. Watch for it.

Sidenote: I contacted Oregon Mentors after watching that awesome commercial and asked them if I could have Greg as my new dad, what with my real one being a drunk and all. According to them, I “misunderstood what the program is about.” They also reminded me that I’m actually three years older than Greg. Oh well. It was worth a shot.

Michael thinks we’ll see Brandon isolated at the top of the key with four flat on the baseline. I hope he’s right, because moving the ball around the perimeter is working about as well as whatever the hell Custer’s plan was at Little Bighorn.

Tony’s wearing a great tie tonight. Doesn’t he always wear the nicest ties? Man, they’re nice.

Third Quarter

5:22 – Mike Rice says (once again) that he’ll get a faux hawk if the Blazers lead after this quarter. Ah, the impossible dream.

5:23 – More classic Mike Rice: “Wow. NICE....uh....herring...uh.....herringbone suit there on Rudy! Really looks...........GOOD. He probably bought that in SPAIN.”

Mike Rice, everybody!

5:24 – Brandon takes the hit on his pinky splint and still scores. As he steps to the line, I remember what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving. Boy, it really doesn’t look like Philly’s got that eye of the tiger coming out of the locker room. Come on Blaze, let’s rumble. Think Clubber Lang before Rocky went to L.A. with Apollo.

5:25 – Angry Greg tosses in a lefty hook. Batum swats a shot, and Bayles is going to the line after getting fouled on the break. Wow, maybe this Clubber Lang thing will actually work. Ummm…C’mon Balboa! Make me weak!!!

5:30 – We’re on an 8-0 run, capped by a lefty jam from Brandon off the pretty LMA dish. Philly calls time. Immediately after the break, Big Sam takes steps and Brandon drills home a 15-footer! Philly wants to talk it over again. More! More Clubber! Shut up old man, I ain’t goin’ NO WHERE!!!!

5:35 – LaMarcus gets hit in the lane and somehow flips in a 23 skidoo layup. No whistle. Whatever. Nicolas finds the range from three, and suddenly it’s an EIGHT POINT GAME. OK, OK, umm......mohawk....gold chains....uh...shredded pectorals...and....I’m angry. REALLY angry. Hey woman! Hey woman!!! I bet you cry yourself to sleep every night, wishin’ you had a real man, don’t you? I tell you what. You bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I’ll SHOW you a real man.

5:39 – Wow, I just noticed the gold tie that Nate’s wearing this evening. Beautiful.

5:42 – Well, I guess I was wrong. It is indeed possible to say “Jay Lee’s Gladstone Honda” 46 times in two 30-second commercials. Looks like I owe Striker (bastard in green pants) a fiver, and OH MY GOD SASQUATCH SITING. Fourth row. Grizzly Adams is in the building, people. And what’s better? He’s wearing a Greg jersey. Yessssss.

5:47 – Oh, yeah, I almost forgot – there was a basketball game going on here somewhere. Hmm...well, it seems the lead has swelled back to 14, and...oh sweet Jesus, here comes Channing Frye again. Fantastic. What’s that? Mike Rice loves this move? I never would have guessed. For the record, I’m giving this decision one frye with no frye sauce.

5:48 – Channing immediately pops a 20-footer, and it’s a 10-point game. OK, fine. Two fryes. Shut up.

Fourth Quarter

5:52 – I would use many adjectives to describe the sandwiches that I purchase at Subway, but “FLAYVALICIOUS” is not among them.

5:54 – Aldridge does his best “Don Nelson in Game 7 of the ’69 Finals” impression. We’re not dead yet.

5:55 – Reggie Evans strikes again by pushing Channing in the back after elbowing Brandon upside the head (no whistle on that one, naturally). OK, you know what? I’m upping the bounty. You put him out, and you get the keys to my house for a month. Do what you want, when you want. I’m not going to ask any questions. Seriously, though. That Reggie Evans is a bad man. He’s like some sort of evil, black, basketball-wielding Santa Claus.

5:57 – Travis makes a brilliant defensive play and then immediately makes a boneheaded one. Welcome to the Travis Outlaw Experience, Sixers fans.

6:00 – Both teams play hard. We’re trading buckets, which is no good. We gotta get some stops or we’re done sauce.

6:02 – I swear to God, Evans thinks he’s playing under prison rules. Forget the NBA, that guy should be fighting Kimbo Slice in a backyard somewhere.

6:05 – So, turns out Stevesie suffered a mild shoulder separation, and he’ll be out one to two weeks. God, are we going to miss that guy. By the way, Philly’s up 17, so...yeah.

6:09 – And the answer to the Aflac “Pick A Name That Sounds Vaguely Familiar” is…Bill Walton? You mean...I...I got it...right??? Wow. This might be the greatest day of my life. What’s even cooler is that I actually sort of understood the question when they asked it.

6:11 – Nate waves the white flag and removes Brandon and LMA from the contest. Smart move. Save that energy for tomorrow, boys. Live to fight another day. Of course, there’s still a glimmer of hope for tonight, because.......

6:12 – HERE COMES SHAVLIK!!!!!!

Post-Game Thoughts

I have none. That was the worst I’ve seen us play since the season opener. Yes, that was worse than our TD Banknorth beatdown. At least we were competitive for a while in that one. I gotta tell you, guys. This one stings. Especially after how Greg performed in Chicago. Our lack of Fernandez was wildly apparent. Well, there’s always New Jersey. Later, maniacs.

Quick Update: More Mamba

2009-01-15T14:28:00.000-08:00

After reading Joe's well-written update regarding Kobe's unfathomable douchebaggery, I just had to add a little something of my own. A mutual friend of ours (he sort of plays the annoying Joe Pesci role to our Riggs and Murtaugh) is an avid Mamba lover. He brought this little gem to my attention:

Having the serpent's memory that I do, I immediately used my necromancer powers to call upon this little diddy:

I recommend clicking on the video and following the yellow brick road to youtube, where you can enjoy the clip in high quality. I especially enjoy the second slow motion replay of Kobe falling to the hardwood, soaking wet with his own shame. And sweat. But mainly, his own shame.

Hypocrisy, thy name be Kobe. Suck it, Mamba.

Update: Kobe vs. Spurs

2009-01-15T10:04:00.000-08:00

Last night featured a glorious Western Conference Finals rematch between the LA Kobe and the San Antonio Spurs. Both teams shot a ridiculous percentage and the game came down the the final shot. Some might credit the Spurs for their gutty win at the last second. Some might fault Derek Fisher for a silly foul to give Roger Mason the opportunity to put the Spurs ahead. Some might criticize the refs for a ticky-tacky call on that same shot.

But they are all wrong.

The Kobestopper of the Night is:

Karma. God. Krishna. Ra. Mother Earth. Will Smith. The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Whatever your faith, we can agree that a higher power smote the LA Kobe with a metaphorical bolt of white-hot lightning after the team's namesake hit a 3-pointer to put the LA Kobe up by 2. Now, normally the gods would not interfere with something as trifling as a basketball game, but Fate intervened after it saw the following douchebaggery from Kobe Bryant:

That's right folks, after hitting a shot to put the LA Kobe up by 2 with 12 seconds left, Kobe did the "big balls" dance, apparently at someone in the crowd (sidenote: that person is now an honorary Kobestopper. Thank you, mysterious stranger).

Now, there are a lot of circumstances where I would not be the least bit surprised to see Kobe do the big balls dance:

- If Kobe hits a game-winner with no time on the clock,

- If Kobe was getting criticized for his clutch performance and then hit a big shot,

- If Kobe had this man's horrible affliction (NSFW and pretty gross, you've been warned) when "Yeah!" by Usher ft. Ludacris came on in the club.

But not when you have merely put your team ahead with lots of time on the clock.It's not like you're "silencing the critics." It's pretty much agreed that you are the best clutch player in the game. Don't be a douchebag.

Too late.

Quick Update: ESPN Chat with Drex

2009-01-14T13:07:00.000-08:00

In case you guys missed it, here's the transcript from Clyde's live chat yesterday on ESPN dot com. Good stuff over there on the ESPNs.

Here's my IM conversation with Striker (green pants) from yesterday regarding Clyde's beautiful arrogance during the disappointingly brief half-hour long chat:

Striker (1:44:29 PM): dude
Striker (1:44:31 PM): oh my god
Striker (1:44:38 PM): this clyde drexler chat is so hilarious
Striker (1:44:46 PM): JON (NY, NY): In the current league where there is no hand checking and no ruff play how much better would your numbers be?
Striker (1:44:53 PM): Clyde Drexler: Oh, tremedously better, from shooting percentage to points per game everything would be up, and our team would score a lot more points, and we scored a lot back then. I do think there should be an asterisk next to some of these scoring leader, because it is much different with a forearm in your face. It is harder to score with resistence. You had to turn your back on guys defending you back in the day with all the hand checking. For guys who penetrate these days, it's hunting season. Yes, now you can play zone, but team rarely do.
Striker (1:45:08 PM): Kevin, Portland, OR: If Arvydas Sabonis had come over immediately after he was drafted in 1986, do you think you would have won a title with the Blazers?
Striker (1:45:13 PM): Clyde Drexler: We would have had four, five or six titles. Guaranteed. He was that good. He could pass, shoot three pointers, had a great post game, and dominated the paint. And he would have been younger. He was very effective in the NBA as an older player who had suffered an ankle injury
Blade (1:45:43 PM): Yeah, and i LOVE how he dumps on MJ toward the end
Blade (1:45:46 PM): Ronaldo Blackman
Blade (1:45:48 PM): classic
Blade (1:46:05 PM): why didn't he just say Alex English, or Sidney Moncrief or Tom Chambers
Blade (1:46:07 PM): hahaha
Striker (2:21:28 PM): hahaha

In case you didn't bother to click, or are a victim of some strange retardation that prevents you from doing so, Clyde basically says this:

"We would have won six titles with Sabas. We would have scored 150 points per game and I would have scored 45 per game with no hand checking on the perimeter. Scoring leaders today need asterisks by their names. MJ was not that good."

Thank you, Clyde. You are a beautiful animal.

Links! Basketball Links!

2009-01-14T02:00:00.000-08:00

OK boys and girls, you know the routine by now. Who's ready for some videos des baskets?

"Ees a sooprize."

I imagine all of you maniacs out there have seen the NBA's "Vote one of these talented rookies into the Dunk...er...the SPRITE RISING SUPERNOVA SLAMSATION!" commercials during a recent Blazer broadcast. I must confess, one particular candidate has wooed me into a full-blown schoolboy man crush. He did this with two simple, beautiful words:

"Vote me."

And so we will, Rudy. We will vote you. As God as my witness, people...if you don't vote him...heads will roll.

Heads. Will roll.

He's Old Greg

Striker (green pants) has brought it to my attention that we've made many an Old Greg joke on this little electroperiodical of ours, and yet simple theory and calculation would indicate that very few if any readers have actually seen the material we've been referencing.

So, after watching the above video, if you want to play the game, all you do is this:
1) Scream "I'm Old Greg!!" after every Greg dunk.
2) Scream "Make an assessment!" after every Greg block.
3) Say "Do you love me?" after Greg makes a free throw.
4) Say "Funk Shake" if he misses a free throw.

Oh, and make sure you're drinking more whiskey than you probably should during all this. Ummmm...yeah. That's the clincher, really.

"De La Hoya/Pacquiao"

OK, scale of one to ten, how disappointed were you that they didn't let Pryz and T-Chand throw down? I'm a 17, personally. Even with a broken wrist, I figure the line is about:

Pryz: -475
Chandler: +380

Tyson's got that huge reach, but something tells me Pryz's heart, chin, and effective body punching would spell disaster for the chicken strip king. In fact, I've taken the liberty of simulating what the fight would look like had it occurred, and it goes a little something like this:

Special thanks to Bustabucket for uploading the Comcast clip. One final note: check out the old guy in the championship era sweater at 1:22 and 4:00. First, he admonishes Chandler for his poor sportsmanship. Then, after Chandler is ejected, Old Guy patronizingly stands and waves "bye-bye" as Chandler exits the floor. I don't know who this man is, but I need to find out. I'm making him another of my honorary grandpas.

Well, that's the end of the road, maniacs. Now go get ready for a tough Philly squad headed by none other than our former father-figure and sometimes lover, Mo Cheeks.