Trail of Tears: NBA Playoff Saturday

In hindsight, I guess it could have been worse.

Brandon's skull could have bounced off the hardwood instead of RonRon's shin, rendering him concussed and consequently unable to play in Game 2.

Honestly, I haven't seen this team play that poorly since before the All-Star break. Take nothing away from Houston (or Dikembe Mutombo. Did you SEE him?! He's setting the bar at like 7'8'' for all other potential playoff sideline cheerleaders. If we weren't getting smashed so badly, I would have absolutely loved it). They came into our house tonight and took our heart right from the get-go.

However, now that I've had a few hours to digest that peanut butter and sadness sandwich that Houston served us, I have a few points to offer in our defense:

1) My personal favorite broadcasting duo wasn't calling our game tonight. Although Doris Burke and Dave Pasche aren't scrubs (see Mark Jackson, pg. 932), they certainly aren't on the level of Dan Shulman and Jon Barry (The ChromeDomes, as I like to call them). This could have thrown us off. Unlikely, you say? Poppycock.

2) We got off to a lousy start. Call it what you want - nerves, jitters, paralyzing fear of failure....No matter what it was, it's out of our system now. No worries.

3) Yao was absolutely perfect, and the Rockets shot something like 75% from the field. Great job by them tonight, but they can't sustain that type of production once we get our sea legs under us.

I also would like to mention the low-lights of the evening, just so we're all on the same page:

1) As we were making our final push, Brandon went to the rack strong and tried to throw it down with his left hand. Dikembe Mutombo, fresh from 1996 apparently, proceeded to climb out of his time machine and swat the attempt like it was a gnat trying to mack on his coleslaw. As the giant, gravel-voiced African waved that familiar finger at the Rose Garden faithful, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

2) Brent Barry packed down an uncontested jam on the baseline midway through the third. Not only that, but they showed it again in slo-mo as they went to commercial. Former slam dunk champ or no, I don't want Brent F***ing Barry dunking on my f***ing team.

3) I noticed lots of empty seats in the lower deck before the final whistle blew. That one really stung.

4) Jeff Van Gundy is one step closer to his evil prediction of a Rockets romp becoming reality. This must not happen, if not for our sake, then for the rest of the sports viewing public. If Van Gundy's head got any bigger, it'd have its own atmosphere.

Now, the positives:

1) Adelman did not bring back the mustache. Had he done so, I'm not sure there would be any light at the end of this initially depressing playoff tunnel.

2) In the middle of the third period, just as I had advanced to the bargaining stage of the Seven Stages of Getting Blown Out In Game One Of A Playoff Series, I stopped promising to never go out with Madonna again long enough to notice that Greg was actually playing pretty well. This continued through the third and into the fourth, and I have no reason to believe that he won't show up for Game 2.

3) Part of me thinks we needed to get our butts kicked. Forget about this series for a second and think about the next 10 years of Trail Blazer basketball. Remember how MJ got bounced from the playoffs by Isiah three years in a row before finally exacting revenge and winning the title? He needed those frustrating losses to those physical Pistons teams in order to become the greatest winner of the modern era. I know it's not the easiest thing in the world to hear, but whether it starts on Tuesday or next fall, we will never forget how it felt to get our butts kicked on our home court, and overcoming that adversity will make us better in the long run.

4) Brandon Roy is a champ. He carried us as long as he could, but at some point he needed some help. In an unrelated bit of speculation, my spider-sense is informing me that if the back of Brandon's jersey had somehow magically read "WADE," he would have gotten to the line about 15 more times tonight without changing how he played one iota. I'm just sayin'.


Notes from the other three ballgames:

Bulls at Celtics

- I greatly enjoyed watching the Rose vs. Rondo duel for "Best PG whose name begins with an R."

- Bennett Salvatore is a horrible official. As questionable as some of the calls were in our game, I thank God that we didn't have Salvy, Eddie Rush and Mike Smith (the Cerberus of horrendous officiating) calling our game.

- LOTTA douchey Neo-Boston "fans" packin' the TD BANKNORTH FLEET AMERICAN EXPRESS WHATEVER THE BUILDING IS CALLED NOW.

- Derrick Rose is a freak of nature.

- STARBURY!!!!!11

- What's worse than having Vinny Del Negro as a head coach? Why, having Del Harris as an assistant coach, that's what!

- Tyrus Thomas is the new Travis Outlaw. I had a freaking heart attack every time that man touched the ball in the fourth quarter.

- Absolutely abysmal post-game interview with Rose by Nancy Lieberman. Just...EPIC how bad that was. I award her no points, and may God have mercy on her soul.

Pistons at Cavs

- I have to admit that Mo Williams has a pretty stroke. He's the new Derek Fisher. Damn him.

- In Van Gundy's fantasy "Superstars '09" competition, I think that LeBron would finish in the top three of every single event. Sprints, high jump, discus, tug-of-war, cow milking, whatever. BronBron's going to win the damn thing, OK?

- The Cavs are taking that series in four games. Any doubt in my mind was removed after today's performance.

Sidenote:

Jalen Rose is terrible at his job. While describing Paul Pierce's potentially game-winning free throw, he busted out something along these lines:

"Yeah, you don't want to over-analyze too much after the fact, but if Paul makes that free throw, then it's probably over."

Really? You think so? Think they would have been safe being up one with two seconds on the clock with Chicago totally out of time outs (Nice one, Vinny!)?

Jalen Rose: pretty good ballplayer, woefully bad studio analyst.

Mavs at Spurs

- Methinks the aging Spurs are running on fumes at this point. I'm not counting them out of the series, but they looked tired in the second half.

- How exactly do you get beat by Dirk off the dribble, anyway? Wear concrete shoes? Eat a lunch composed entirely of ball bearings and buttermilk pancakes? Matt Bonner, I'm sorry man, but that's like losing a foot race to James Gandolfini. Shame on you.

- JJ Barea is now offically nicknamed Speedy Gonzalez. No room for discussion on this one.

- I have a feeling the Mavs absolutely CRANKED some Hoff in the locker room during halftime. Think about it.


Well, that's it for now, maniacs. Lick those wounds and heal up for Tuesday. Come back strong, and we'll make it a series. Also, stay tuned for coverage of tomorrow's matchups.

RIP CITY