Tuesday: Hail to The King - The Natural

It was prophesied by the ancient ones that one day a savior would descend upon Rip City from the uncharted northern territories to deliver them from the darkness that had devoured their once prosperous land. It was said that this Warrior of Time would possess the strength of 10,000 mortal men and wield strange magic capable of defeating any foe. Citizens of Portland, the time of deliverance is upon you. For the one they call Roy has fulfilled his destiny. I give you The Natural:



Game 2 was a dogfight. Houston fought us tooth-and-nail for 48 minutes, but each time they made a push, Brandon whipped out his shotgun and his chainsaw and started screaming, "Okay....who wants some? HUH? How about you? YOU want a little? HUH???? HUH???!!!!"

I can't wait to bounce somebody else's grandchild on my knee and tell them about the time Brandon Roy put the team on his back and scored 42 points to even the series at a game a piece. I'm positively giddy about the fact that I now have new Blazers stories to tell. I couldn't be happier with how Brandon stepped up and hit big shot after big shot, despite getting virtually no whistles at the rim.

That said, it wasn't ALL about Brandon last night (only 80-85% about Brandon, I'd say), which is why I have a few game notes for all you maniacs:

- I gotta show LMA some love. Way to step your game up, big man. I was begging for that fade-away over the right shoulder all during Game 1, since Scola was clogging up the lane so nicely. The L-Train did not disappoint, rolling for 27 and 12 on 11 for 19 shooting. The scoring was nice, but the rebounding was huge. Without that effort, Houston definitely wins the rebounding battle and possibly steals the game.

- Joey Crawford gives calls to the road team out of spite. I think he's obsessed with proving that he doesn't feel pressure from the fans to make calls for the home team. I'm convinced of this, so don't try to tell me any different. I will hear no more arguments.

- In a battle of Old Lion vs. Old Lion, Greg asserted his dominance as the oldest player on the court and snatched the cobweb-covered torch from the worn and wrinkly hands of Dikembe Mutombo. In all seriousness, it's really unfortunate that Dikembe went down like that. He's done a ton for the game and a ton for his country. He exemplifies everything that a pro athlete should be. You know when a guy goes down and every one of his teammates runs out to check on him that the injured player is important to his team. Dikembe has said that he will need surgery and that his playing days are over. What a shame. Thanks for the memories, big man. I, for one, will be extremely disappointed if you are not courtside for next year's All-Star Weekend.

- Derrick Stafford, you are a prince. Your whistle was the second most important factor in keeping us in that game next to Brandon being the new Jesus.

- When Brandon hit that three-pointer to close out the first quarter, I stood up and started screaming profanity without discretion at Ron Artest. Seriously you guys, I'm pretty sure half the stuff I yelled isn't even in Webster's Cursing Dictionary. So, you know, don't let me hang out with your kids, I guess.

- I was loving the Twin Towers for all THREE MINUTES they were allowed to be on the floor at the same time. What a joke. My good friend, Mambasucker T, informed me earlier today that Houston fans were actually complaining about the officiating being unfair to Yao. To that, I will say this: Greg fouled out for playing the EXACT same type of defense as The Great Wall, whereas Yao could have pulled a gun, taken four spectators hostage and executed one of them at midcourt, all while spraying bullets at anything in a white jersey, and he wouldn't have picked up that fifth foul. So just shut up, OK?

- I liked the energy Rudy brought to the floor. I would really like to see him running off more picks away from the ball. It seems to me that Houston is excellent at packing the middle and playing on-ball defense. Away from the ball, however, shooters are getting free. Rudy found some gold coming off of picks, as did The Natural. I hope to see much more movement away from the ball so that Brandon doesn't have to do an MJ impression every night in order for us to win.

- We were finally able to run against this team, and it payed off big time. No doubt that we have a much easier time scoring after a defensive board than when we're constantly pulling the ball out of our own net. Houston is so physical on D that it helps to have a little chaos in the half court, which is exactly what happens after a failed fast break attempt. In other words, most of the time we get a better look in the halfcourt after we don't score on the break as opposed to walking it up. The moral of the story? Defense leads to offense.

- Houston is making a lot of difficult shots, especially AB and RonRon. Don't get me wrong, both are getting plenty of good looks at the rim, but there are also a fair share of shots that probably make Rick Adelman want to pull that goatee right off his face. Both of these guys are playing at a high level right now, but those off-balance jumpers that hang on the rim for seven seconds can't continue to go in with the frequency they have for the first two games. They're going to have an off shooting night at least once while they're at home. When that happens, we've got to seize the moment and step on their throat.

- I've also heard some clamoring from the other side that Pryz is a flopper. You know what, Rockets fans? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Scola and Yao put on Oscar-worthy performances every night they hit the hardwood, so don't start crying about Pryz drawing Yao's fourth foul with that Barry Horowitz-level sell job.

- Finally, I've been a little disappointed that Young Nicolas hasn't affected the series more. RonRon had a huge first quarter on Tuesday and got plenty of good looks in Game 1. Maybe we need to see The Dragon Emperor covering Brooks in Game 3, with Brandon defending Artest? No matter how you slice it, these Rockets are scoring effectively against our D. Come on Nicky, I want to see you flying around out there like a wasp on crystal meth. Steals, blocks, hands in faces, transition threes, whatever you can do to make a difference. It's time for Boom Boom Batum to make some noise.

That's all we got for you, maniacs. Check back for more playoff coverage as it develops, and keep the faith. Friday, we shake up the world.

Trail of Tears: NBA Playoff Saturday

In hindsight, I guess it could have been worse.

Brandon's skull could have bounced off the hardwood instead of RonRon's shin, rendering him concussed and consequently unable to play in Game 2.

Honestly, I haven't seen this team play that poorly since before the All-Star break. Take nothing away from Houston (or Dikembe Mutombo. Did you SEE him?! He's setting the bar at like 7'8'' for all other potential playoff sideline cheerleaders. If we weren't getting smashed so badly, I would have absolutely loved it). They came into our house tonight and took our heart right from the get-go.

However, now that I've had a few hours to digest that peanut butter and sadness sandwich that Houston served us, I have a few points to offer in our defense:

1) My personal favorite broadcasting duo wasn't calling our game tonight. Although Doris Burke and Dave Pasche aren't scrubs (see Mark Jackson, pg. 932), they certainly aren't on the level of Dan Shulman and Jon Barry (The ChromeDomes, as I like to call them). This could have thrown us off. Unlikely, you say? Poppycock.

2) We got off to a lousy start. Call it what you want - nerves, jitters, paralyzing fear of failure....No matter what it was, it's out of our system now. No worries.

3) Yao was absolutely perfect, and the Rockets shot something like 75% from the field. Great job by them tonight, but they can't sustain that type of production once we get our sea legs under us.

I also would like to mention the low-lights of the evening, just so we're all on the same page:

1) As we were making our final push, Brandon went to the rack strong and tried to throw it down with his left hand. Dikembe Mutombo, fresh from 1996 apparently, proceeded to climb out of his time machine and swat the attempt like it was a gnat trying to mack on his coleslaw. As the giant, gravel-voiced African waved that familiar finger at the Rose Garden faithful, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

2) Brent Barry packed down an uncontested jam on the baseline midway through the third. Not only that, but they showed it again in slo-mo as they went to commercial. Former slam dunk champ or no, I don't want Brent F***ing Barry dunking on my f***ing team.

3) I noticed lots of empty seats in the lower deck before the final whistle blew. That one really stung.

4) Jeff Van Gundy is one step closer to his evil prediction of a Rockets romp becoming reality. This must not happen, if not for our sake, then for the rest of the sports viewing public. If Van Gundy's head got any bigger, it'd have its own atmosphere.

Now, the positives:

1) Adelman did not bring back the mustache. Had he done so, I'm not sure there would be any light at the end of this initially depressing playoff tunnel.

2) In the middle of the third period, just as I had advanced to the bargaining stage of the Seven Stages of Getting Blown Out In Game One Of A Playoff Series, I stopped promising to never go out with Madonna again long enough to notice that Greg was actually playing pretty well. This continued through the third and into the fourth, and I have no reason to believe that he won't show up for Game 2.

3) Part of me thinks we needed to get our butts kicked. Forget about this series for a second and think about the next 10 years of Trail Blazer basketball. Remember how MJ got bounced from the playoffs by Isiah three years in a row before finally exacting revenge and winning the title? He needed those frustrating losses to those physical Pistons teams in order to become the greatest winner of the modern era. I know it's not the easiest thing in the world to hear, but whether it starts on Tuesday or next fall, we will never forget how it felt to get our butts kicked on our home court, and overcoming that adversity will make us better in the long run.

4) Brandon Roy is a champ. He carried us as long as he could, but at some point he needed some help. In an unrelated bit of speculation, my spider-sense is informing me that if the back of Brandon's jersey had somehow magically read "WADE," he would have gotten to the line about 15 more times tonight without changing how he played one iota. I'm just sayin'.


Notes from the other three ballgames:

Bulls at Celtics

- I greatly enjoyed watching the Rose vs. Rondo duel for "Best PG whose name begins with an R."

- Bennett Salvatore is a horrible official. As questionable as some of the calls were in our game, I thank God that we didn't have Salvy, Eddie Rush and Mike Smith (the Cerberus of horrendous officiating) calling our game.

- LOTTA douchey Neo-Boston "fans" packin' the TD BANKNORTH FLEET AMERICAN EXPRESS WHATEVER THE BUILDING IS CALLED NOW.

- Derrick Rose is a freak of nature.

- STARBURY!!!!!11

- What's worse than having Vinny Del Negro as a head coach? Why, having Del Harris as an assistant coach, that's what!

- Tyrus Thomas is the new Travis Outlaw. I had a freaking heart attack every time that man touched the ball in the fourth quarter.

- Absolutely abysmal post-game interview with Rose by Nancy Lieberman. Just...EPIC how bad that was. I award her no points, and may God have mercy on her soul.

Pistons at Cavs

- I have to admit that Mo Williams has a pretty stroke. He's the new Derek Fisher. Damn him.

- In Van Gundy's fantasy "Superstars '09" competition, I think that LeBron would finish in the top three of every single event. Sprints, high jump, discus, tug-of-war, cow milking, whatever. BronBron's going to win the damn thing, OK?

- The Cavs are taking that series in four games. Any doubt in my mind was removed after today's performance.

Sidenote:

Jalen Rose is terrible at his job. While describing Paul Pierce's potentially game-winning free throw, he busted out something along these lines:

"Yeah, you don't want to over-analyze too much after the fact, but if Paul makes that free throw, then it's probably over."

Really? You think so? Think they would have been safe being up one with two seconds on the clock with Chicago totally out of time outs (Nice one, Vinny!)?

Jalen Rose: pretty good ballplayer, woefully bad studio analyst.

Mavs at Spurs

- Methinks the aging Spurs are running on fumes at this point. I'm not counting them out of the series, but they looked tired in the second half.

- How exactly do you get beat by Dirk off the dribble, anyway? Wear concrete shoes? Eat a lunch composed entirely of ball bearings and buttermilk pancakes? Matt Bonner, I'm sorry man, but that's like losing a foot race to James Gandolfini. Shame on you.

- JJ Barea is now offically nicknamed Speedy Gonzalez. No room for discussion on this one.

- I have a feeling the Mavs absolutely CRANKED some Hoff in the locker room during halftime. Think about it.


Well, that's it for now, maniacs. Lick those wounds and heal up for Tuesday. Come back strong, and we'll make it a series. Also, stay tuned for coverage of tomorrow's matchups.

RIP CITY

Houston, we have a problem, and other cliches

At approximately 7:27 PST on Wednesday, I was a happy man.

I had just watched the Dallas Mavericks recover from a 14-point second half deficit behind the fourth-quarter shenanigans of Jason Terry to defeat the Rockets in the final game of the regular season. A few minutes earlier, I had watched an ESPN in-game update showing Chris Paul dishing a ridiculous spin move assist to David West which put the Hornets up 5 with less than a minute to go. I giddily began sending out celebratory text messages to the tune of: "Lakers don't want us in the second round? Try the WCF!!"

My bad, guys.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. A 54-28 record, home court in the first round, and the first Blazer playoff run in six years seemed a far cry from reality a few month ago. It was just that, for the moments before I saw that cursed tying three by Michael from Lost (Why are you hitting threes? Walt just ran off into the jungle after his dog! Go tell Locke to stay away from your boy!) I was looking forward to playing the New Orleans Hornets.

Alas, it was not to be. Instead, the Blazers will face the formidable Houston Rockets in the round one, leading us at Kobestoppers to question...

What if the 08-09 Houston Rockets remade Apollo 13?


Let's start at the start here. No matter how epic of a storyline a movie may have, no matter how skilled a director may be, no matter how effective an ad campaign is, every great blockbuster film and basketball team needs a star. For Houston, that star is:

Yao Ming as Captain Jim Lovell

The similarities between Yao and Tom Hanks’ character Jim Lovell are almost eerie. Both are perfect captains to spearhead a mission to the moon or the NBA title. Both have spent endless hours dreaming of their ultimate goals and training for those moments. Both are fantastic team players who simultaneously motivate, coach, and reassure their teammates. Both have gigantic, square heads and a 7’5” wingspan.

The point is, there is no one better suited for leader of this mission than Yao.

Averages: 19.7 points, 9.9 rebounds, 1.95 blocks, 55% from the field, 87% from the line, 34 mpg.

Now they just have to find a spacesuit that will fit him…

Tracy McGrady as Ken Mattingly

Two days before the launch of Apollo 13, the crew was shocked by the news that Ken Mattingly had been exposed to German measles. Despite Mattingly's attempts to overrule the doctors, his place on the mission was eventually given to Jack Swigert (see below) and Mattingly was forced to provide aid to the astronauts from the NASA base in Houston.

Remind you of anyone?

Tracy McGrady is the perfect fit to play the role of the unfortunate crew member who was unable to help his crew on their mission.

Ron Artest as Jack Swigert

A late addition to the squad, Ron Artest is built for the role of Jack Swigert. Not only does "Swigert" sound like something Ron-Ron would croon about in one of his songs (DJ Swigert, anyone?), but Swigert is also the character asked to stir the cryogenic oxygen tanks, which leads to the explosion which rocks the ship, ultimately dooming its initial intent to land on the moon and endangering the entire crew.

Could Artest stir the Rockets' proverbial cryogenic oxygen tanks, sending them into a dangerous tailspin? Time will tell.

Shane Battier as Fred Haise

Like Battier's game, Fred Haise is soft-spoken and mild-mannered. Haise is meticulous and excellent at what he does, but the results of his work often go underappreciated. He's the perfect compliment to Jack Swigert, although the two of them may butt heads in terms of style (such as when "in a fit of rage, Haise chastizes Swigert's relative inexperience as the cause of the accident").

When these two personalities can work together, they can make magic on the court and on the screen. When they clash, sparks (and points for the other team) fly.

Rick Adelman as Gene Kranz

Flight director Kranz is the architect and taskmaster for Apollo 13. He prepares the astronauts for their mission pre-launch and is their main source of communication once things go awry. An expert at keeping control of a situation and juggling multiple personalities at once, Kranz's own temper has been known to flare up at times. That said, no one doubts this man's experience and leadership in the clutch.

Aaron Brooks as Barbara Lovell

and

Luis Scola as Marilyn Lovell

There are no real parallels between these last two, other than Luis Scola looks kind of like a girl with horrid facial hair and they both look funny with their faces pasted on women's bodies. OK? Sheesh...cut us some slack.


Semi-Serious Analysis
by BladeTron6000

Oh, you thought that was all? Not even close my friends. Can you believe we're back in the playoffs??? I'm absolutely losing my freaking mind over this. My excitement level is such that I've actually been peeing fire for the past 31 hours. I would go to a doctor, but I'm secretly hoping that this is a new God-given superpower bestowed upon me in response to my rabid Blazer fandom over the years.

Anyway, I've been discussing our opponents for Saturday with my friend (and occasional easy lover) Striker, and we've put together the most comprehensive playoff preview post this side of Blazers Edge.

Actually, I'm going to ramble about the Rockets for like 300 words, and then we're just going to screw around for the rest of the time. What? You were expecting something different?

The Rockets are an athletic squad that we've matched up poorly against in the past. Yao always gives us trouble inside, and Ron Artest typically causes problems for Brandon on the perimeter. There are a few keys to success that we must follow in order to win the series. They are as follows:

1) Box the EFF out

Houston is not a lights-out shooting team from three, but they will absolutely murder you if you give them second chances at the rim. Lost rebounds translates to defensive confusion translates to open looks. This cannot happen. Do not let Luis “See, I’m much better than Fabricio Oberto” Scola beat you.

2) Protect the paint

Houston is most dangerous when getting to the rim. Make them chuck it from the cheap seats with a hand in their grill. This goes for everybody but Battier, Barry and the bigs (obviously). Wafer and AB can be dangerous if they get hot from outside, but I’ll take my chances considering both those guys can run a suicide in about 3.1 seconds.

3) Be strong with the ball

No matter what’s working for us, we have to hold on to that rock. Whether we’re ice cold from outside and trying to make a living at the line, or we’re having success with the drive-and-kick game, Houston is going to slapping at our arms. It’s the playoffs, fellas. Expect this physical team to get even more physical, possibly resulting in “Mean” Chuck Hayes pulling an Ariza on Sergio.

Sidenote: Seriously, doesn’t Chuck remind you of an old school bad-guy pro wrestler? I keep expecting him to walk out on the road scowling at fans and then finish off some poor small forward with a heart-punch. He’s like the Bad News Brown of the Western Conference. I want him to form a tag team with Reggie Evans called the Ghetto Blasters. Oh, was that mildly racist? Oops. My bad.

Hang on to the ball and don’t expect whistles. Go strong to the rack and don’t take no guff off nobody.

4) Take ‘em deep

We have enough energetic youths on standby to conduct a Presidential fitness test at halftime, so why not push the pace? Especially at home, we should have Houston sucking wind by the second period and feeling like they donated a lung to charity when the final whistle blows. There’s no way they can match up with us athletically. Not that Chuck Hayes and Carl Landry aren’t fine specimens or anything. It’s just a different kind of athleticism. When Chuck climbs between those ropes, you KNOW somebody’s going to get choke-slammed. It’s a given. He’s a dominator, a high-impact – oh, damn. I did it again, didn’t I? Crap. My apologies, everybody. Last time, I promise.

5) Help Brandon, and win Game 1

This is probably the most important of the keys. We’re braving new territory as a team, and our supporting cast can’t afford to shrink from the moment. The Natural’s going to have either A) RonRon or B) Battier guarding him for the entire series. That is an absolute nightmare for anybody not named LeBron. Everybody needs to step it up:

- L-Train, I’m looking at you, buddy. You can shoot over anybody they’re going to put in front of you.

- Travis, you’re most likely going to draw Von Wafer. Break him.

- Nicky, it’s time for you to show everybody why you’re the next Scottie. Fly around on D and wreak some havoc. Unleash the Dragon Emperor.

- Greg and Pryz, I got two words for you guys: bash brothers.

- Serge and Stevesie, move that ball. Stagnation in the half court means Brandon firing one up with the shot clock winding down. Not cool beans. Take control of the game and manage the offense.

- Rudy, get your feet set and let it fly, amigo.

- Channing, replicate your performance from Wednesday, and I will personally see to it that you get at least 10 minutes of run.

If we can win Game 1, I think we've got the series locked up. Game 1 will tell us the story of the series.

6) Rick Adelman’s facial hair

OK, forget what I said about number five being the most important. Adelman knows what to expect from the Rose Garden faithful come playoff time. He knows we have that all-important edge, which is why I fear he’ll try to even the score by bringing back the vaunted mustache that led Portland to two NBA finals appearances. God help us if that happens. Pray to The Schonz it does not.


PLUS SOME ROCKETS LINKS?! NO WAY!


Chuck Hayes's free throws : Basketball :: Charles Barkley's golf swing : Golf

I couldn't watch this all the way through either, but it's worth it to just skip to 0:51 for Scola and 1:15 for Mutumbo

Aaron Brooks does a surprisingly good Dikembe Mutumbo

Quality shot selection leads to buckets. That's what I believe.

RonRon's got Old Greg's back, baby. That's respect, right there. Real talk.

Ron Artest: rapper, vocalist, crazy person.


PLUS YEAR-END AWARDS?! WHAT ARE WE, CRAZY?!?!!

The Daniel Laruso We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore Award: Joel Przybilla

The Bret Michaels Oh Wait He Can’t Actually Sing Or Play Guitar Award: Beno Udrih/Marko Jaric

The David Wooderson Making That Face Does Not Change The Fact That You Hang Out With High School Girls Award: Chris Andersen

And we'll leave you maniacs with this link, which has been making the rounds.

PLAYOFFS BABY! GET FIRED UP!!!