Houston, we have a problem, and other cliches

At approximately 7:27 PST on Wednesday, I was a happy man.

I had just watched the Dallas Mavericks recover from a 14-point second half deficit behind the fourth-quarter shenanigans of Jason Terry to defeat the Rockets in the final game of the regular season. A few minutes earlier, I had watched an ESPN in-game update showing Chris Paul dishing a ridiculous spin move assist to David West which put the Hornets up 5 with less than a minute to go. I giddily began sending out celebratory text messages to the tune of: "Lakers don't want us in the second round? Try the WCF!!"

My bad, guys.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. A 54-28 record, home court in the first round, and the first Blazer playoff run in six years seemed a far cry from reality a few month ago. It was just that, for the moments before I saw that cursed tying three by Michael from Lost (Why are you hitting threes? Walt just ran off into the jungle after his dog! Go tell Locke to stay away from your boy!) I was looking forward to playing the New Orleans Hornets.

Alas, it was not to be. Instead, the Blazers will face the formidable Houston Rockets in the round one, leading us at Kobestoppers to question...

What if the 08-09 Houston Rockets remade Apollo 13?


Let's start at the start here. No matter how epic of a storyline a movie may have, no matter how skilled a director may be, no matter how effective an ad campaign is, every great blockbuster film and basketball team needs a star. For Houston, that star is:

Yao Ming as Captain Jim Lovell

The similarities between Yao and Tom Hanks’ character Jim Lovell are almost eerie. Both are perfect captains to spearhead a mission to the moon or the NBA title. Both have spent endless hours dreaming of their ultimate goals and training for those moments. Both are fantastic team players who simultaneously motivate, coach, and reassure their teammates. Both have gigantic, square heads and a 7’5” wingspan.

The point is, there is no one better suited for leader of this mission than Yao.

Averages: 19.7 points, 9.9 rebounds, 1.95 blocks, 55% from the field, 87% from the line, 34 mpg.

Now they just have to find a spacesuit that will fit him…

Tracy McGrady as Ken Mattingly

Two days before the launch of Apollo 13, the crew was shocked by the news that Ken Mattingly had been exposed to German measles. Despite Mattingly's attempts to overrule the doctors, his place on the mission was eventually given to Jack Swigert (see below) and Mattingly was forced to provide aid to the astronauts from the NASA base in Houston.

Remind you of anyone?

Tracy McGrady is the perfect fit to play the role of the unfortunate crew member who was unable to help his crew on their mission.

Ron Artest as Jack Swigert

A late addition to the squad, Ron Artest is built for the role of Jack Swigert. Not only does "Swigert" sound like something Ron-Ron would croon about in one of his songs (DJ Swigert, anyone?), but Swigert is also the character asked to stir the cryogenic oxygen tanks, which leads to the explosion which rocks the ship, ultimately dooming its initial intent to land on the moon and endangering the entire crew.

Could Artest stir the Rockets' proverbial cryogenic oxygen tanks, sending them into a dangerous tailspin? Time will tell.

Shane Battier as Fred Haise

Like Battier's game, Fred Haise is soft-spoken and mild-mannered. Haise is meticulous and excellent at what he does, but the results of his work often go underappreciated. He's the perfect compliment to Jack Swigert, although the two of them may butt heads in terms of style (such as when "in a fit of rage, Haise chastizes Swigert's relative inexperience as the cause of the accident").

When these two personalities can work together, they can make magic on the court and on the screen. When they clash, sparks (and points for the other team) fly.

Rick Adelman as Gene Kranz

Flight director Kranz is the architect and taskmaster for Apollo 13. He prepares the astronauts for their mission pre-launch and is their main source of communication once things go awry. An expert at keeping control of a situation and juggling multiple personalities at once, Kranz's own temper has been known to flare up at times. That said, no one doubts this man's experience and leadership in the clutch.

Aaron Brooks as Barbara Lovell

and

Luis Scola as Marilyn Lovell

There are no real parallels between these last two, other than Luis Scola looks kind of like a girl with horrid facial hair and they both look funny with their faces pasted on women's bodies. OK? Sheesh...cut us some slack.


Semi-Serious Analysis
by BladeTron6000

Oh, you thought that was all? Not even close my friends. Can you believe we're back in the playoffs??? I'm absolutely losing my freaking mind over this. My excitement level is such that I've actually been peeing fire for the past 31 hours. I would go to a doctor, but I'm secretly hoping that this is a new God-given superpower bestowed upon me in response to my rabid Blazer fandom over the years.

Anyway, I've been discussing our opponents for Saturday with my friend (and occasional easy lover) Striker, and we've put together the most comprehensive playoff preview post this side of Blazers Edge.

Actually, I'm going to ramble about the Rockets for like 300 words, and then we're just going to screw around for the rest of the time. What? You were expecting something different?

The Rockets are an athletic squad that we've matched up poorly against in the past. Yao always gives us trouble inside, and Ron Artest typically causes problems for Brandon on the perimeter. There are a few keys to success that we must follow in order to win the series. They are as follows:

1) Box the EFF out

Houston is not a lights-out shooting team from three, but they will absolutely murder you if you give them second chances at the rim. Lost rebounds translates to defensive confusion translates to open looks. This cannot happen. Do not let Luis “See, I’m much better than Fabricio Oberto” Scola beat you.

2) Protect the paint

Houston is most dangerous when getting to the rim. Make them chuck it from the cheap seats with a hand in their grill. This goes for everybody but Battier, Barry and the bigs (obviously). Wafer and AB can be dangerous if they get hot from outside, but I’ll take my chances considering both those guys can run a suicide in about 3.1 seconds.

3) Be strong with the ball

No matter what’s working for us, we have to hold on to that rock. Whether we’re ice cold from outside and trying to make a living at the line, or we’re having success with the drive-and-kick game, Houston is going to slapping at our arms. It’s the playoffs, fellas. Expect this physical team to get even more physical, possibly resulting in “Mean” Chuck Hayes pulling an Ariza on Sergio.

Sidenote: Seriously, doesn’t Chuck remind you of an old school bad-guy pro wrestler? I keep expecting him to walk out on the road scowling at fans and then finish off some poor small forward with a heart-punch. He’s like the Bad News Brown of the Western Conference. I want him to form a tag team with Reggie Evans called the Ghetto Blasters. Oh, was that mildly racist? Oops. My bad.

Hang on to the ball and don’t expect whistles. Go strong to the rack and don’t take no guff off nobody.

4) Take ‘em deep

We have enough energetic youths on standby to conduct a Presidential fitness test at halftime, so why not push the pace? Especially at home, we should have Houston sucking wind by the second period and feeling like they donated a lung to charity when the final whistle blows. There’s no way they can match up with us athletically. Not that Chuck Hayes and Carl Landry aren’t fine specimens or anything. It’s just a different kind of athleticism. When Chuck climbs between those ropes, you KNOW somebody’s going to get choke-slammed. It’s a given. He’s a dominator, a high-impact – oh, damn. I did it again, didn’t I? Crap. My apologies, everybody. Last time, I promise.

5) Help Brandon, and win Game 1

This is probably the most important of the keys. We’re braving new territory as a team, and our supporting cast can’t afford to shrink from the moment. The Natural’s going to have either A) RonRon or B) Battier guarding him for the entire series. That is an absolute nightmare for anybody not named LeBron. Everybody needs to step it up:

- L-Train, I’m looking at you, buddy. You can shoot over anybody they’re going to put in front of you.

- Travis, you’re most likely going to draw Von Wafer. Break him.

- Nicky, it’s time for you to show everybody why you’re the next Scottie. Fly around on D and wreak some havoc. Unleash the Dragon Emperor.

- Greg and Pryz, I got two words for you guys: bash brothers.

- Serge and Stevesie, move that ball. Stagnation in the half court means Brandon firing one up with the shot clock winding down. Not cool beans. Take control of the game and manage the offense.

- Rudy, get your feet set and let it fly, amigo.

- Channing, replicate your performance from Wednesday, and I will personally see to it that you get at least 10 minutes of run.

If we can win Game 1, I think we've got the series locked up. Game 1 will tell us the story of the series.

6) Rick Adelman’s facial hair

OK, forget what I said about number five being the most important. Adelman knows what to expect from the Rose Garden faithful come playoff time. He knows we have that all-important edge, which is why I fear he’ll try to even the score by bringing back the vaunted mustache that led Portland to two NBA finals appearances. God help us if that happens. Pray to The Schonz it does not.


PLUS SOME ROCKETS LINKS?! NO WAY!


Chuck Hayes's free throws : Basketball :: Charles Barkley's golf swing : Golf

I couldn't watch this all the way through either, but it's worth it to just skip to 0:51 for Scola and 1:15 for Mutumbo

Aaron Brooks does a surprisingly good Dikembe Mutumbo

Quality shot selection leads to buckets. That's what I believe.

RonRon's got Old Greg's back, baby. That's respect, right there. Real talk.

Ron Artest: rapper, vocalist, crazy person.


PLUS YEAR-END AWARDS?! WHAT ARE WE, CRAZY?!?!!

The Daniel Laruso We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore Award: Joel Przybilla

The Bret Michaels Oh Wait He Can’t Actually Sing Or Play Guitar Award: Beno Udrih/Marko Jaric

The David Wooderson Making That Face Does Not Change The Fact That You Hang Out With High School Girls Award: Chris Andersen

And we'll leave you maniacs with this link, which has been making the rounds.

PLAYOFFS BABY! GET FIRED UP!!!

Quick Update: Jazz at Blazers

Yo maniacs. For those of you out of the loop, you'll be happy to know that I was able to come down off my NBA EXPERT throne and mingle with the plebes tonight in the Garden of Roses courtesy of my surrogate big brother Andrew buying reserve tickets many months ago. Great game. Great experience. I love our team.

Before we made the trek to the arena, however, we decided to take a little Basketball 101 refresher course, courtesy of a local North Portland community center.

I'm not ashamed (okay, so I'm a little ashamed...) to say that after approximately four minutes of full-court play, I felt like I was going to puke up my liver right there on the court. Remind me to never, EVER do something that stupid again.

One amusing side note: Being from little old southern Oregon, I rarely, if ever, am afforded the opportunity to play basketball against somebody who isn't white. When I walked into that gym and noticed that Andrew and I were the only two white dudes in there, for some reason, the first thing that popped into my head was that RIDICULOUS basketball scene in "American History X."

I'm still laughing to myself about that one. Oh, and in case you were wondering, neither of the games I played in ended with the phoniest-looking dunk in the history of humankind. Seriously, how could they think we wouldn't notice that Ed Norton sucks at basketball? He's awful. He's got one move: that cartoony, behind-the-back, scooper-duper lay-in. I'm sorry, I know it's a movie, but I refuse to believe that little old ED NORTON is going to walk onto a Venice Beach court, ICE COLD OFF THE BENCH, and take over the game like that. Never in a million years. Never happening.

Hmmm, this is sort of inspiring me to do a "most implausible sports scenes" list. Well, something for all seven of you readers to look forward to, huh?

Random thoughts from the 300 level:

- As soon as I found my seat, the jumbotron erupted with a familiar sound: "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. As my eyes darted to the unavoidably large monitor above the playing surface, I was thrilled to find a slick highlight of Brandon mesmerizing all in attendance. Naturally, my knee-jerk reaction was to jolt toward the beautiful orgy of sounds and colors. Andrew, you will never know how close I came to spilling your beer all over your crotch and crotch-related body parts.

- For some reason, the powers at be allowed one of the Blazerdancers to sing the national anthem tonight. Nothing personal, Ione (pronounced Eye-Own-E, apparently), but don't quit your day job. By the way, is it really necessary to have cheerleaders at pro sporting events? Do we really need T&A EVERYWHERE AT ALL TIMES?

Look, I watch basketball to watch basketball. I watch fights to watch fights. If I want to watch attractive young women shake that groove thang, I'll head to the Bada Bing, OK?

But it's not just the scantily clad ladies that cheapen the experience. It's the jumbotron, too (cool Roy HL notwithstanding). And it's the stupid contests that fans are made to watch during every single timeout. Example:

Between the first and second quarters tonight, we had to suffer through four jackasses in sumo suits living out their Superbowl fantasies with Blaze as all-time QB. In case you're curious, the jackasses representing Arizona won on a miraculous last-second touchdown pass. Oh, what's that? You couldn't care less about that stupid crap? You simply wanted to watch your team without having your intelligence insulted? Well, bad news, friends. The time of spending timeouts talking about the actual BASKETBALL GAME you're attending is long gone. Shame on you, NBA, for treating your fans like eight-year-olds in a Toys 'R' Us.

- OK, never mind, NBA. I get it, now. I understand why you do put on these ridiculous spectacles during the game.

Case in point: the jerk sitting behind me. I'm 100 percent positive that he is the biggest douche bag of the modern era. Yes, he even beats out Dmitri. Seriously, this guy sounded like he was about to wet himself when they started launching free T-shirts into the crowd.

But that's not all, my friends. Oh, no. The good Lord decided he was going to bless us even further by taking one of DoucheAss McBallsFace's ribs and creating THE DUMBEST WOMAN OF ALL TIME. Turns out DoucheAss is one of those guys who follows a team JUST enough so that he can feel superior to somebody who doesn't follow sports at all. Or, in this particular instance, so that he can show off his deep understanding of the game by naming most everybody on our roster to some Mentally Retarded Female.

I about lost it when I heard the MRF say (and this is a direct quote), "Ohhh, they have TWO guys from Spain??? NEAT!" Naturally, Douchey Howser, M.D. had something smart to say about the eclecticism of our talent pool, and naturally, Ugly Paris Hilton back there was like, SOOOOOOO impressed. It took all of my self-control to resist taking a swing at these two. They made Donnie and Marie look like Will and Amy.

Oh, and did I mention that after being invited to a most attractive young lady's apartment after the game, I somehow managed to crap the bed (figuratively, you smartasses) and screw the whole thing up?

I should probably just start smoking again.

- Up until the second quarter, I thought I had another jerk on my hands, this time sitting to my left. He opened the game by saying how Sergio was going to get "abused" by Deron Williams all night. I decided that such insolence would not stand and immediately delivered an impassioned speech about how much I love Sergio.

Yes, I love Sergio more than Bayless. Just--I DON'T WANT TO HERE IT RIGHT NOW, OKAY???? IT'S BEEN A LONG FREAKING NIGHT. I'll tell you about it later. Just...shut up for a second.

Anyway, as I was saying, dude starts hating on my man Serge just as they jump it up. First play of the game, Sergio nabs a steal. Next possession, he scores a quick two off some beautiful penetration into the lane. I emphasized my delight regarding both plays by screaming "YOU KNOW SERGIO?!!!" as loud as humanly possible in the direction of this naysayer. Though he wasn't wearing any Jazz gear, at that point I was fairly certain he was a BYU alum incognito.

Turns out, he was actually a pretty cool guy. He was just nervous because he had money on the game. The Blazers were giving 9 1/2 points to the road-weary Jazz, and I asked which way he bet. At first, he told me he was taking the points, to which I replied, "shame on you." Realizing his error, he quickly corrected himself and informed me that he was a Blazers fan and was in fact laying the points. He thought Sergio was too carefree with the ball and felt much more comfortable with Bayless running the point. Although I disagreed with his assessment, we gained each other's respect and went on to enjoy the game together as fellow maniacs, rooting not only for a victory, but also for a win by at least 10 points so homie would get paid.

Actually, I would say that this guy had a gambling problem if he wasn't so freaking good at it. Here's his betting record (at least, as much of it as we talked about):

1) He bet Pittsburgh to win the AFC at the beginning of the season at 5:1. Cha-ching.

Using those winnings, he made these bets and won all three:

2) Blazers to beat the spread vs. Jazz (Obviously we know what happened there)

3) Washington to cover against favorite ASU (UW won outright)

4) University of Portland to cover against #18 St. Mary's (UP won outright thanks to St. Mary's losing its best player the night before against Gonzaga.)

So, basically, this dude is a machine right now. I was THIS CLOSE to asking for his phone number so I could get his expert picks every week.

I mean, not that I, an NBA EXPERT in my own right, would actually even need any help in picking winners or anything. I just, thought, you know, it'd be fun to, um, compare notes, and... shut up.

Halftime highlights:

- Some jackass threw up a one-handed Hail Mary from half court to win a pickup. You can guess how that ended.

- Some high school cheerleaders were going to do a dance or something, but me and Andrew decided that making an exit to pay six bucks for a soda pop was a much, much better option than sitting through that s---. So, um, there you go. Halftime! Wooooo!

Random game-related highlights:

- Dick Bavetta is even more hilarious in person than he is on TV. Given two adjectives to describe Ol' ShrivelPuss, I would choose "demonstrative" and "lively."

- David Banner was at the game. So, you know...holla. Is that what the kids are saying nowadays? It changes so fast.

- Every time we gave the ball to Travis in isolation in the second half, my bud Andrew looked liked his jugular might explode from the sheer stress. His take on this particular offensive strategy: "God, man. It's like a heart attack on a plate." Whatever that means, I don't think it's good.

- We as a fan base care FAR too much about receiving free Chalupa coupons. I swear, we were sitting on 98 points for about four possessions, mostly due to the incessant chanting of CHA-LU-PAS! CHA-LU-PAS! It's just a damned flat-bread taco, people. Get over it.

Best moment of the night:

This one is a tie. Both moments were equally entertaining.

1) As a joke, the director threw up a shot of Brevin Knight and Matt Harpring on the jumbotron Kiss Cam. Fighting through his hearty chuckles, Brevin reached over and planted one on the temple of an oblivious Harpring. Both of these guys get style points in my book for being good sports, especially Brevin. It's fun to see guys in pro sports who don't take themselves serious enough to be offended by a harmless practical joke. Well done, guys.

2) Two smoking hot ladies in the crowd were holding up a sign featuring Rudy's face pasted onto a robed, duel lightsaber-wielding badass with text reading "Rudy is a Jedi."

I'll give you guys a second to let that sink in.

Final non-Blazer thoughts from a tremendous sports weekend:

- What. A. Superbowl.

It's a shame that Ol' Graybeard couldn't get it done. But what can I say? Real life sucks.

Larry Fitzgerald, you're a man. Respect.

Santonio Holmes, that was one of the greatest catches I've ever seen. Pro ball, college ball, my back yard, anywhere. You should have that ball bronzed, brother.

I still hate "Ben."

I wish my 49ers were better.

- Rafael Nadal is a freak.

If you didn't watch that five-set, Nadal/Federer Aussie Open final at 4am like I did, you missed out, fool. Rafa's going to win at least three more consecutive French Opens and at least one of the other majors in each of those years. I'm sure he'll get at least one US Open, making him the first man to win the Slam since Andre (I think). The only question about this guy is how long can he endure the punishment his style of play inflicts on his body. Time will tell, but in my opinion, Nadal's biggest competition from here on out is Father Time (no disrespect to Fed).

Did I mention that I'm basically nocturnal now?

- Georges St. Pierre is another freak.

Honestly, GSP has exceeded all my expectations. When he beat Matt Hughes in their rematch, I said that he'd hold on to that title for as long as he wanted to keep fighting. A mental lapse against heavy underdog Matt Serra cost him his title and stamped him with the unfair and inaccurate label of "mentally weak."

After watching what he did to current lightweight and former welterweight king BJ Penn at UFC 94 this Saturday, I don't know if we'll ever see GSP lose again. My prediction for the next year: he'll take Thiago Alves down and either TKO or submit him. Then he'll move up to 185 and have a superfight with my boy, middleweight champion Anderson Silva. He'll take Anderson down and grind out a five-round decision, much to my chagrin. After that? Who knows. But I don't see anybody at 170 or 185 touching GSP until he either A) gets old or B) gets injured.

Well, that's it, maniacs. I'm out of here. Get geared up to take some names in the Big Easy.

Running Diary - Lebron vs. Blazers

What better way to cure a massive bout of diary-ah than with some extra strength running game diary of our beloved Trail Blazers versus the Cleveland Lebron? None, I say. So here we go:

Pre-game Thoughts:

- I can already tell, the emotions in this game are going to run high. After what happened last year on this court, you know the Blazers are looking for revenge. The Cavs have a less-than-perfect road record, with all 8 of their losses coming off away games. I wouldn’t call it bad blood, but it is definitely spirited rivalry at the least.

- In order for Greg to have an effective night he needs to STAY OUT OF FOUL TROUBLE. This means perimeter defense on Lebron, Mo Williams, and other drivers to keep Oden from picking up fouls. There, I’ve told you what to do. Now do it.

- Hand in hand with my previous bullet is this: make Lebron shoot from outside. He’s shooting 29% on three-pointers this season. Make him beat us from there.

- I just found out that us lucky league pass watchers are being treated to the Cleveland broadcast, so get ready for more “L-Trains,” “Throw the hammer downs,” and “In the Rose Gardens” than a sane man can take. Seriously, Austin Carr is the most annoying man on the planet. More on this to come.

- They are showing the Blazer introductions. Cool.

- LaMarcus is wearing a white headband instead of his usual black. If he has a bad game I’m blaming the headband.



First Quarter:

I hate this pre-game Lebron “look how cool I am I’ll make a commercial about me clapping chalk and make a billion dollars” routine. If you got chalk in Mike Rice’s bourbon he is going to freak…actually no, he probably won’t notice.

11:40 – Lebron fires from deep. This is exactly what we want.

11:25 – Aldridge hits a long jumper. I’m pretty sure I have written those words in the opening minutes of every game diary I’ve written.

10:50 – OLD GREG blocks Lebron’s layup from the left side. I pee a little.

10:38 – Anderson Varejao draws an offensive foul on Greg. What’s the over/under on garbage foul calls drawn by Varejao on Greg? I’m thinking 2.5.

Sidenote: Word on the street is that Monty Mccutchen, one of tonight’s referees, calls more fouls on the home team than any other referee at 51.6%. Great.

9:30 – Sergio hits a 3 from the corner. Yes, he is not a particularly good three-point shooter, but announcers touting his 29% from behind the arc fail to note that about 1/10 of his threes come from half court or further at the end of quarters. The Cleveland Lebron leads, 8-6.

Also, Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: They chastise Sergio for shooting a three, while Lebron is shooting an incredible 1% better from range.

9:07 – Varejao holds the ball above his head and jumps several times. In America, we call that a “travel.” This is an important concept for basketball players.

Sidenote: Anderson Varejao is an elementary school lunch lady. Someone get that man a hair net. Think of the children!

7:08 – Aldridge and Batum miss consecutive open jumpers, but Greg grabs an offensive board and finishes with a flush. Good aggressiveness on the boards ties the game at 12.

5:35 – Lebron hits an 18-footer, making it three in a row from outside. Batum is forcing Lebron outside like we want; unfortunately he’s making all his shots anyway. I don’t know what to do.

A commercial for Labatt Blue Light. I believe this beer is formed by the bonding of two hydrogen atoms with one oxygen atom. I like ‘em straight from the Brita filter.

Sidenote: Apparently Daniel Gibson likes to shave various things into his head. This sounds like a Cleveland team prank waiting to happen. They should shave a boob into his head. Get it, cause he’s Boobie? Shut up.

4:45 – Aldridge hits back-to-back shots: a running hook followed by a 10 footer. He’s got 8 early points.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: “Bayless wasn’t playing at the beginning of the year, and he was not happy about it.” This is just a complete lie. He wasn’t playing because HE IS A ROOKIE THIRD STRING POINT GUARD.

2:46 – Wally Szczerbiak grabs Przybilla by the arm like a useless female in a horror film trying to distract the mutant serial killer before it kills her boyfriend. Pryz simply taps in LMA’s miss and draws the foul. Oh, and he’s still going to kill Wally’s boyfriend.

1:31 – SICK dribble move by Sergio between his legs from behind to split the defenders but Aldridge misses the easy finish. LMA, you’re killing Sergio’s stat line.

0:00 – Wally hits a three with 7 seconds left, but Batum answers with a long jumper to end the quarter. The Lebron leads, 28-25.



Second Quarter:

Ok folks, this has waited too long. Troof must come to the light. Mike Brown IS Mr. Potato Head. It’s good to know that an assembled plastic toy is currently the popular choice for coach of the year. Dammit.













11:48 – Rudy hits a 3. In case you haven’t noticed, Rudy has made a three in 40 of the 41 games he has played and is currently in position to break the record for most three pointers in a season by a rookie (this record is currently held by Kerry Kittles). Also he is on pace to impregnate the most women with his mind in a season by a rookie (this record is not held by Kerry Kittles).

In my quick searching of Kerry Kittles I found this, which is far funnier:




HAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHA. Hahaha. Ha. Woooooooo.

10:19 – Newsflash: JJ Hickson appears to suck. He has 3 fouls.

9:55 – Mo Williams hits an open three in transition. Our three-point defense has been dreadful all year, and this is one team that we really can’t afford to give up open looks to.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: I have decided that Austin Carr is in fact the Scat Man. Both speak unintelligible gibberish, yet are somehow famous and somewhat respected. Both are incredibly annoying. The Scat Man made one song and disappeared. Can Austin Carr disappear? Please?

Quick excerpt from the song “The Scat Man”:

-Scatting-

I’m the scat man!

-Scatting-

I’m the scat man!

-Scatting-

Wee bababadabo bababadabo x4

-Scatting-

Glorious.

5:47 – Lebron is called for a carry. A tear opens in the space-time continuum. Lebron whines like a baby. The rift closes, all is back to normal.

4:35 – Lebron goes to the rack, resulting in the Scat Man saying something like “Scatbabadoodbie L-train! Skeebabadopeadope in the Rose Garden!”

3:35 – Roy drives to the hoop and flips in a running jumper, but he’s been quiet offensively so far. Blazers trail, 41-38.

3:20 – Lebron catches a backdoor alley-oop off a Mo Williams lob. He then stands there, arms outstretched, basking in his own glory. I am seriously disgusted by how much he loves himself.

0:25 – Mo Williams hits an impossible baseline shot over LaMarcus’ hand in his face. He is now 7-8 from the field, for 18 points. God. Dammit.

0:03 – I liked this play. Brandon stood at the top of the arc, idly dribbling time off of the clock. The Cleveland defense obviously scooted toward the middle to prepare for the Brandon drive. So, with two seconds on the shot clock, Brandon faked toward the basket and dished it to the side to Outlaw for the open three. Boom baby.



Halftime:

Unfortunately, the Blazers trail 53-45 after showing glimpses and then lapses of good defense.

- We allowed 6 points in the first 7 minutes of the second quarter, and 18 points in the last 5 minutes. Interestingly, Lebron was out for the first four minutes of the quarter. Is that interesting? Maybe not.

- Wally has 8 rebounds. Aldridge has 1 rebound. What’s wrong with this picture?

- The Cleveland Lebron is shooting 56% from the field. That better come way down or we are toast.

- Weeeee babadoobo deepbadabingo.



Third Quarter:

11:25 – Greg gets called for a foul after Varejao literally picked up Oden’s arm and dropped it on his face. This is just pathetic. Flopping I can handle, at least when a player attempts to create the illusion of contact by taking a charge when there isn’t enough contact. But this? This is just being that punk who is waving his arms around and poking you in the kidneys during a pick-up game. Varejao is just bitter because there were no leftover bean burritos after lunch.

8:52 – Lebron hits a 17-footer. The plan of keeping Lebron in front and making him a jumpshooter? Not working so well. He’s hit three long jumpshots already this quarter.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: “Break out the 20,000 crying towels, cause the Blazer fans are whining for every call." 30 seconds later both announcers cry out about a "flagrant" foul on Pryz which did not happen.

8:40 – Brandon takes an off-balance leaner late in the shot clock that misses completely, but Batum is there on the put back dunk! So sweet. 59-54, Cavs lead.

5:00 – Lebron hits back-to-back three pointers. The Scat Man murmurs something in scat. I begin preparing a bag of scat to throw at the Scat Man in case I ever see him.

3:15 – Aldridge faces up Varejao nicely and drops a 13-footer on his face.

1:05 – Bayless elevates and hits from 19 feet. Apparently Bayless is playing!

Here is Lebron's shot chart from the 3rd quarter:



So...we've stayed in front of him and made him a jumpshooter...it just isn't working anyway.



Fourth Quarter:

It’s a 74-69 Lebron lead, and if the Blazers don’t get some consistent play on both sides of the ball we are in trouble. As good as Roy is in the clutch in a close game, we don’t want a repeat of last year’s game.

Mike Brown has his googly-eyes in.

9:52 – Bayless hits two free throws and then makes a CIRCUS layup under two Cavs defenders. Man, at what point in a game do we just abandon all offensive sets and just let Bayless and Roy drive and dish? …maybe that is the offensive set.

8:25 – After two more Bayless free throws, Greg “fouls” Lebron to pick up his 5th and Nate immediately pulls him to save him for clutch minutes.

Oh. My. God. A commercial for www.FarmersOnly.com just aired, with the jingle: “You don’t have to be lonely, at farmersonly.com." I’m speechless.

6:46 – Roy goes left, finishes, and draws the foul. It’s looking like this finish might be the Roy/Lebron showdown. I don’t like those odds. That said, we’ve taken the lead, 82-81.

5:22 – Lebron hits AGAIN from three. If he is going to make ridiculous deep three pointers, I’m not sure there is anything we can do. 86-82, Cleveland.

2:55 – After trading baskets for a couple minutes, the Blazers begin trapping Lebron just across half court, forcing him to make a long pass inside. Unfortunately, that leaves us shorthanded to defend once the ball gets there. This time, though, Travis comes rushing back and unleashes a HUGE block on Lebron from behind. Portland cannot capitalize and then Mo Williams hits a 3 to put the Lebron up by 7.

That’s it folks. The Blazers hung around, making a couple threes and another basket, but the Cavs hit their free throws and held on to win. Brandon missed two driving layups in the last three minutes that would have been huge for us, but we can’t put this one on him. Our energy level, while good for periods of time, was not enough down the stretch.

The fabled Cleveland defense was in full force, holding the Blazers to 40% shooting on the night. Blake certainly would have helped us spread the defense tonight, as we were only 7-22 from behind the arc. Get well, buddy!



Final Score: Lebron 102, Blazers 98

Final Tally:
“L-trains” – 16.
“In the Rose Gardens” – 13
“Throws the hammer downs” – 9 (somehow, off of 4 dunks).

Until next time, skoobapadeedop biddibapapapow!

Running Diary - Blazers at Bobcats

11/17/08
4:09 PM, PST

Pre-game Thoughts

I don’t have too many tonight, maniacs. See, I sort of got a late start today. I was…uh…saving some kittens from…uh…

OK, fine. So I was sleeping. Big freaking deal. Like you’ve never slept until 4 PM before. You guys are always so judgmental – always naysaying. How about you take a long look in the mirror before you start judging a sports comedy genius for what time he decides to get out of bed, huh? You make me sick.

Just kidding. You know I love you guys. You just make me so crazy sometimes, you know?

On an unrelated note, I’d like to voice the opinion of countless viewers and say that Rebecca Haarlow looks DAYYYUMMMM fine in that purple turtleneck. I’m literally making googly eyes at my TV screen.

OK, time for tip-off! We’ve pretty much played like garbage during this road trip so far, so I think it’s important that we gather some momentum before we head back home. Let’s do this thang.

Interesting. It seems that the Bobcats dancers have decided to perform a routine right before the tip, trapping the nascent basketball game in a purgatory of sorts, similar to General Zod’s imprisonment in the Phantom Zone. Hmmm. This looks like a job for a crotchety, old referee. Luckily, we just happen to have the oldest, crotchetiest referee on the face of the planet calling this game.

JOEY CRAWFORD IS A MAN. I’m serious. He is a MAN, and he is FORTY. Did you guys see that?! He just screamed at those poor cheerleaders and told the multimedia guy at the scorer’s table to turn that music down!! I pity the fool who unknowingly stumbles upon Joey Crawford’s lawn or refuses to accept his expired coupon.

First Quarter

4:11 – LaMarcus hits from 15 to start the game. Usually, this is good news for us.

4:12 – Ridiculous foul called on LMA against Okafor, and the basket counts. I swear to God, Joey. You’re terrible. You’re terrible at your job. You’re like one step away from Bennett Salvatore.

4:13 – Okafor posterizes Greg, and the 17 fans in attendance go absolutely APE*$@#. Pro basketball is huge in the Carolinas, if you hadn’t noticed.

4:16 – Uh oh. Here comes B-Rex. I can’t say for certain, but I imagine he’s going to do something along these lines.

4:18 – Bayless forgets that you only get eight seconds instead of 10 to get the ball across half court in the NBA, and nobody else on the floor runs back to the ball to help him out. No matter. Bayless’ blood reign of terror will begin soon enough.

4:21 – Whoa, check out Monty’s jacket over there on the bench. As the owner of several fine sport coats myself, I feel qualified to state conclusively that mustard is definitely Monty’s color. Bet that went over well with Nate at the coaches’ meeting.

30 minutes before tipoff:

Monty: Hey, coach. So I went over those specific game situations with Bayless like you told me. He seems to really be picking it up quick, you know? I can’t wait to see hi–

Nate: What the $#@* is this?

Monty: What, the…the jacket? You…don’t like it?

Nate: Get the *#%$ out of my sight. You look like the carpet in a whorehouse.

Monty: But Nate, I just –

Nate: NOW.

Monty slowly slinks out of the room, fighting back tears.

4:30 – All right, boys and girls – it’s Aflac time! When was the last time we had two all-stars on our team simultaneously? Could be Sheed and…Steve Smith? Damon? Nah, I’m going with my gut. Clyde and Terry in…’93, let’s say.

4:31 – Gerald Wallace goes coast to coast for an easy slam. Nate looks like he’s pretty happy with our start, here.

4:32 – As Wallace stands at the free throw line, I can’t help but notice his, um, oral…fixation, let’s say, with his mouthpiece. Ewwww.

4:33 – Juwan Howard hits an eight-footer over Greg. Wow, and here all this time I thought that Juwan Howard had been dead for like, six years. Bummer.

4:34 – ADAM MORRISON ALERT!!! All right, OK, fine. You got me. I wanted to draft the Stache. So what. Sue me. I’m a gangly, slow white guy with a decent set shot. We look after our own. 24-18, Charlotte.

Second Quarter

4:35 – God, we’ve had absolutely terrible starts during this road trip. Frustrating.

4:41 – LaMarcus is playing hard tonight. He’s really been stepping it up both offensively and defensively. Those long limbs are being put to good use – either through that high release on the fadeaway or by sneaking into passing lanes and breaking up entry passes. He’s playing more physical as well. All of this bodes well for both tonight and the future. I wish you could see the smile on my face right now. I know we’re down six and playing like garbage, but thinking about LaMarcus, I’m grinning like a retard with an all-day sucker.

4:43 – My favorite part of the Angry Whopper commercial? HALAPAINYAS!! On a related note, my buddy who loves Kobe (for future reference, I will refer to him as “Mambasucker T”) claims that the Angry Whopper, while tasty, is not actually all that spicy. But then again, neither was the Volcano Taco. Or the Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Or straight EFFING Tabasco sauce.

Mambasucker T: terrible sports fan, tremendous tolerance for both heat hot and spice hot.

4:44 – Mike Rice notices the Stache is guarding Brandon and immediately blurts out his unique and insightful belief that Brandon can score against Morrison. Of course Brandon can score on him!! My seven year-old niece could score on the Stache! Morrison’s on-ball D makes Larry Bird look like Scottie Pippen! I love Rice, but he must think we are all so incredibly stupid.

4:50 – Things I’ve noticed in the last 15 minutes:

- Greg’s footwork is getting better.

- LaMarcus is going to become a top-20 player in the next three years. On a related note, I was just wondering, is there anyway we can sort of “trade back” with Chicago? I think Tyrus Thomas would fit really well into our syst – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA.

- Bayless’ athleticism reminds me of a young Steve Francis or Stephon Marbury. JUST the athleticism, OK? Fact is, he’s a specimen, and if his court vision and basketball IQ develop along with his outside shot, he’s going to be a nightmare for defenders.

- Our team defense sucks tonight. Pitiful. Disgusting. Indefensible.

- We have forgotten how to make free throws. And as we’ve all been taught from an early age: You’ve got. To make. Your free throws.

5:05 - Brandon just scored his first FG, and it’s almost halftime. Somehow, we’re up by two points. Maybe they’re giving us extra ones tonight. You know, just for funsies.

5:07 – While in the kitchen procuring a vanilla pudding, I hear the words “Kobe stopper” come out of my roommate’s incredibly nice television. Whipping around, I knock my pudding to the floor and nearly lacerate my skull on an open cabinet door (Thanks, Scott) before hastily removing my cellular phone from my front pocket. In the midst of an uncontrollable seizure of excitement, I locate “Striker” in my address book and push the green button. Joe quickly cuts me off and explains calmly that Mike Rice was simply talking about Raja Bell and not plugging our crappy little blog. Suddenly I’m cold all over, and my eyes are moist with the tears of a thousand sorrows.

5:08 – We end the half by turning a four-point lead into a five-point deficit. Fantastic.

Halftime Notes

- LMA needs to be this aggressive every single night. You’re stronger than you think, big man. Attack your opponent.

- Charlotte ended the quarter on an 11-2 run. Unacceptable, but don’t get too upset. These types of ballgame giveaways have been getting less frequent over the last couple of seasons and that trend will continue. Trust me. Your patience will be rewarded.

- Note to Greg: study how Pryz plays D around the rim. Watch how he affects drivers and cutters without picking up fouls. Just keep watching and learning, Greg. Soon, you’ll realize it’s not all up to you, which reminds me…

- Our team defense is making me want to jump off a tall building. I know I already touched on this, but more needs to be said. We can’t just rely on Greg to defend the basket. It’s got to be one-on-five every time somebody penetrates.

- Note to self: steal Jeff Goldblum’s teleportation pods and use them to merge the DNA of Blake, Sergio and Bayless into one unstoppable BrundleGuard.

- Raja Bell or no, Brandon needs to step it up. If you’re not getting the calls inside, then shoot that jumper. It’ll start falling. Your stroke is too good for it not to. When it does, Raja will clamp down on you. Then the fun part comes. Go by him and dunk on Okafor’s face.

- Just before the third quarter starts, an incredulous Tony tells us that the Blazers are 7-15 from the line. As the crappy CSN graphic devours the studio, we can still hear him complaining about the lack of free throw consistency and paying homage to Schonz. We break for commercial, but not before Tony gets in one last “They’re FREE!!!!”

Third Quarter

5:25 – Brandon hits a J in Bell’s grill. That’s what I’m talking about.

5:27 – Oden and LMA crash the boards for two consecutive offensive rebounds before LaMarcus lays one in. Nate must give great halftime speeches.

5:28 – Mike Rice pronounces Okafor’s first name “Uh-Meeka.” I love it. 54-49, Cats.

5:29 – Brandon is 1-4 from the line. He looks tired and beat up from this trip.

5:32 – Good news, everyone. It appears that Jerryd can get to the rack whenever he pleases. We’re all tied up at 60.

5:34 – I’ve decided that Charlotte’s floor announcer is my least favorite in the NBA, narrowly edging out 16-time world heavyweight champion and biggest blowhard of all time, Ric Flair. Congratulations, ass.

5:38 – Well, now Brandon’s doing everything and I feel bad for chastising his disappearing act in the first half. Regardless, it shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing arrangement. We need to find our balance. The only problem is, it's much easier said than done. Make no mistake - this process is a tortuous one, filled with countless ass-beatings and overprotective mothers. But if you survive, you will be rewarded with the greatest gift in all the cosmos: a super-hot makeout sesh at Golf ’N Stuff with Elizabeth Shue in her prime.

5:48 – We look like 10 individuals out there instead of a team. Can somebody make a call to Gene Hackman and see if he’ll sign on as an assistant? And no, Dennis Hopper may not come with.

5:49 – It would seem that Greg has named his dog Charles Barkley McLovin’. Um…moving on.

Fourth Quarter

5:50 – We’re tied at 67 to start the quarter, and in a bizarro-worthy turn of events, Rudy dishes to Sergio for an easy two.

5:52 – Wallace has 25 points. He’s driving to the rack at will, and that mouthpiece is just all OVER the place.

5:57 – Aflac answer: Clyde and Cliff in ’94. You remember, before we totally dismantled the team that was more beloved in Portland than the Christ himself? But I digress…

6:02 – Wallace posterizes Greg for the second time tonight, this one coming on the business end of a one-handed alley-oop. That’s bad for us.

6:04 – Greg picks up his sixth foul and the jerk at the scorer’s table plays “Hit the Road, Jack.” The biggest d-bag I’ve ever seen stands up and waves goodbye to Greg from the first row. Oh MAN, this kid is a douche. I wish you guys could see hi – OH MY GOD I FOUND THIS IDIOT ON YOUTUBE.

By my count, he had FOUR Okafor jerseys in that room – two on the table, one on the wall, and one on that pasty, Carolinian torso. Who has four jerseys of the same player? Nobody, that’s who. If you want a home and an away, that’s fine, but the fact is he borrowed at least two of those from somebody else. What a phony. It’s too bad he isn’t wearing the giant gold chain he had on at the game. That’s really the turd cherry on the #@$* sundae.

6:11 – It’s 84-81, Bobbies with 3:20 to go, and you could hear a pin drop in that building. To whom it may concern: the South doesn’t give a crap about pro sports that don’t involve turning left 500 times. Stop giving these people franchises.

6:23 – After a nice sequence of Blazer possessions to sneak back into the game, it’s tied at 88 with 25 seconds left. Out of a timeout, Raymond Felton banks in a 12-footer from straight on, giving Charlotte the lead with 15 seconds left. Note to self: find out which God Felton prays to and immediately CONVERT TO THAT GOD.

6:24 – Brandon tips in his own miss to tie the game again. On the ensuing Charlotte possession, Bayless busts out some sick nasty on-ball D, but Okafor nearly tips in the missed jumper. Good Lord, I’m out of breath. Just give me a second to sit down and catch my breath here.

Overtime

Outside of a sweet drive and lefty finish by Brandon, we looked like garbage during OT. The offense was stagnant, and our interior defense was hideous. We didn’t deserve to win this game, and sure enough, we didn’t. This wasn’t as bad as the Philly fiasco, but it was one of our poorer performances all year. We’re better than the freaking Bobcats, OK?

Oh, I almost forgot. Did anybody else hear Mike Rice literally WHINNY after Brandon missed a shot that’s usually money? I swear to God, I hope that man lives 1,000 years, because I cannot imagine not having him around. He’s gold. Solid gold.

Running Diary - Blazers at 76ers

1/14/09
3:52 PM, PST

Yes, I realize that it’s been a long-ass time since our last running diary, and YES, you can all stop your freaking whining, OK? Do you know how many starving children in China don’t even HAVE running diaries?! Huh?! Do you?!

Seriously, how excited are you guys right now? I’m about to blow a gasket. I can’t wait for this thing. If I had to sum up my level of anticipation and excitement in one random Youtube video, it would have to be this one:



Pre-Game

3:53 – No Rudy tonight. His foot’s not feelin’ so hot. That’s okay, Rudy. Rest it up, big man. We’re still going to vote you.

3:54 – So, let me get this straight. If I get a Bowflex, I can have a body like THAT guy? Does that also mean my face will turn into a synthetic rubber mask like his? Jesus.

3:56 – OK, we’re in Philly, so clearly, the pre-game hype video HAS to be set to the Rocky theme, right? Oh man, this is gonna be SO sweet.

3:57 – Bon. F*#$ing. Jovi. Unbelivable. I’m baffled. It’s baffling. Somebody tell the crew that we’ve got the Nets tomorrow night, and that whoever chose “You Give Love a Bad Name” for tonight’s hype video will be beheaded at halftime with extreme prejudice.

Oh yeah, and that reminds me – the suffering isn’t over, because it’s time for everybody’s favorite theme song...

3:58 – Ba nanananananananananaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! DAMN THIS SONG. Led freaking Zeppelin couldn’t perform this piece of trash and make it tolerable. For the love of God, I’m begging someone to stop this.

4:00 – Crappy...elementary school...choir...performing.....national anthem....at....midcourt. Arghhhhh....sucks...too.....much....can’t...talk....can’t....breathe...

I don’t know much in this crazy, crazy world. But I do know this: that sort of thing NEVER would have happened in the Spectrum. May the ghost of Henry Bibby haunt you for all times.

4:08 – OK, here we go. Just about game time, so...oh, wait. Never mind. Here come Rice’s keys to the game.

4:09 – Keep them out of the paint and to score more points than they do. That’s what he just told us, and the man had THREE KEYS to work with. As Ol’ Green Pants would say – GADZOOKS!

First Quarter

4:10 – We’re trying to establish Greg early down low. He’s 0-2, but I like the idea.

4:11 – Philly’s playing aggressive D early. Lots of hands swiping at balls.

4:12 – Hahahahahahahaha.

4:13 – Ahhhem. Um, since Philly is playing such tight defense, we should be able to go by them and get to the rack. Either that, or find backdoor cutters when defenders are cheating in the passing lanes. Instead, we’re throwing up bricks from God-knows-where. We’re 0-4. Not the start I would have liked.

4:14 – Tony WHO??? When did Mo Cheeks get fired?! Why wasn’t I told?! Well, so much for being an NBA “expert,” huh?

4:15 – Joe has just informed me that no one, other than myself of course, has ever thought of me as an NBA “expert,” so there is no reason to feel ashamed. What a relief.

4:17 – Lousy transition D results in a Thaddeus Young dunk, and it’s 14-6, bad guys. After a Nate timeout, Barrett makes fun of Philly’s fandom by stating that a crowd numbering “in the tens” is fired up. Classic Barrett, right there, folks. I love this guy.

4:19 – Two turnovers in two possessions after the timeout. Probably not how Nate drew it up. On a positive note, here comes Pryz!

4:21 – Another turnover. Philly’s up 12 now. Thad Young hits a three and LaMarcus is called for a charge. I don’t know if you guys are watching this, but...um...we’re not playing very well.

4:23 – Oh, great. Thanks for throwing a little salt in the open wound, Comcast. Look, we get it already. Channing makes hits. He wants to hold the crazy mask and not the pumpkin head. He fails his first attempt at a “vet move.” WikideewikideewikMUSIC. Free food. Rise with us. Please stop showing this.

4:28 – Annnnnnd there’s our seventh turnover in the first quarter. Philly leads 31-15 as the period comes to a close. This delicious plate of nachos I’ve been devouring offers me little consolation, in case you were wondering.

Second Quarter

4:35 – Aflac Random Stab time! Um, something about rebounds in a playoff series. Sounds like Bill Walton in the ’77 finals to me. Of course, they might be asking about team offensive rebounds in the preseason or something, so I wouldn’t bet the bank on this one. Or on any of these f#$*ng Aflac “questions.”

4:38 – Sweet Lou Williams hits a three. We’ve committed 10 turnovers is 13 minutes. Philly just threw down an easy transition dunk. Now let’s see here...where did I hide the arsenic, again?

4:40 – BAYLESS!!!! Oh. Oh my God. If that dunk had gone in....good Gawwwd.

4:41 – OK, you know what, Dwyane? With the exception of that nearly-missed jam from Bayless, neither my mama nor I like it. Jerk.

4:46 – Greg is called for a phantom travel, and it’s 43-21, Sixers.

4:48 – By the way, don’t forget to check out Trail Blazers Courtside this week with Mike Barrett, Mike Rice, and Jabba the Hutt.

Just kidding, maniacs. I’m sure Brian Wheeler is a lovely man. And from the few games I’ve listened to on the radio over the years, I must say that he is an awesome play-by-play guy. Boom Chakalaka.

4:56 – Alonzo Mourning’s super fly color-coordinated dress shirt, sunglasses, and Gatorade combo do little to soothe the red-hot flames of frustration coursing through my black heart.

4:58 – Channing enters the game for an “offensive boost.” Excuse me for a second. I just need to go find my .38 and that single hollow-point round I’ve been keeping for just such an occasion. Be right back.

5:02 – Big Sam Dalembert takes a knee to the crotch from a driving Roy. Every cloud has its silver lining, I suppose.

5:03 – Well, it hasn’t been the best first half, but at least – OH GOD STEVESIE!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED??!!!! SWEET LORD WE NEED PAUL PIERCE’S CALF MASSAGER GUY AGAIN!!!!! WHAT DID BLAKEY DO TO DESERVE THIS??!!!!! WHHHHHYYYYYY GODDDDDD!!???!!!!

I swear on the lives of all my future ex-wives that I will avenge you, Steve. For all those whom it may concern, let it be known:

I’m placing a bounty on Reggie Lewis’ head. Any NBA player who puts him on his back will find a crisp $20 bill in their locker after the game. Any player who ends his career gets a Rolls Royce. If he dies (and yes, he must be declared medically, legally dead by a physician of my choosing), you can have my most prized possession in all the world: my autographed Bill Walton head shot.

Are we clear on the stipulations? Excellent. Ready, set, BOUNTY!

Halftime Thoughts

I don’t mean to be a negativity spreader, but to paraphrase Larry Legend, we’re playing like a bunch of girls tonight. We’re down 22. At the half.

I’m going to be extremely disappointed if it turns out that the formula for beating us is just to turn up the aggressive dial defensively. LA did it. Boston did it. In a way, Golden State did it (until they remembered that they weren’t supposed to play any defense and started jogging from three point line to three point line so they could get up more shots), and Philly’s doing it tonight. Yes, I realize that Boston and the LA Kobe are arguably the best two teams in basketball, and yes, I know we played them on their own turf, but don’t dismiss what I’m saying. When defenders start slapping at us and we don’t get any whistles, we start to get intimidated. Watch for it.

Sidenote: I contacted Oregon Mentors after watching that awesome commercial and asked them if I could have Greg as my new dad, what with my real one being a drunk and all. According to them, I “misunderstood what the program is about.” They also reminded me that I’m actually three years older than Greg. Oh well. It was worth a shot.

Michael thinks we’ll see Brandon isolated at the top of the key with four flat on the baseline. I hope he’s right, because moving the ball around the perimeter is working about as well as whatever the hell Custer’s plan was at Little Bighorn.

Tony’s wearing a great tie tonight. Doesn’t he always wear the nicest ties? Man, they’re nice.

Third Quarter

5:22 – Mike Rice says (once again) that he’ll get a faux hawk if the Blazers lead after this quarter. Ah, the impossible dream.

5:23 – More classic Mike Rice: “Wow. NICE....uh....herring...uh.....herringbone suit there on Rudy! Really looks...........GOOD. He probably bought that in SPAIN.”

Mike Rice, everybody!

5:24 – Brandon takes the hit on his pinky splint and still scores. As he steps to the line, I remember what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving. Boy, it really doesn’t look like Philly’s got that eye of the tiger coming out of the locker room. Come on Blaze, let’s rumble. Think Clubber Lang before Rocky went to L.A. with Apollo.

5:25 – Angry Greg tosses in a lefty hook. Batum swats a shot, and Bayles is going to the line after getting fouled on the break. Wow, maybe this Clubber Lang thing will actually work. Ummm…C’mon Balboa! Make me weak!!!

5:30 – We’re on an 8-0 run, capped by a lefty jam from Brandon off the pretty LMA dish. Philly calls time. Immediately after the break, Big Sam takes steps and Brandon drills home a 15-footer! Philly wants to talk it over again. More! More Clubber! Shut up old man, I ain’t goin’ NO WHERE!!!!

5:35 – LaMarcus gets hit in the lane and somehow flips in a 23 skidoo layup. No whistle. Whatever. Nicolas finds the range from three, and suddenly it’s an EIGHT POINT GAME. OK, OK, umm......mohawk....gold chains....uh...shredded pectorals...and....I’m angry. REALLY angry. Hey woman! Hey woman!!! I bet you cry yourself to sleep every night, wishin’ you had a real man, don’t you? I tell you what. You bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I’ll SHOW you a real man.

5:39 – Wow, I just noticed the gold tie that Nate’s wearing this evening. Beautiful.

5:42 – Well, I guess I was wrong. It is indeed possible to say “Jay Lee’s Gladstone Honda” 46 times in two 30-second commercials. Looks like I owe Striker (bastard in green pants) a fiver, and OH MY GOD SASQUATCH SITING. Fourth row. Grizzly Adams is in the building, people. And what’s better? He’s wearing a Greg jersey. Yessssss.

5:47 – Oh, yeah, I almost forgot – there was a basketball game going on here somewhere. Hmm...well, it seems the lead has swelled back to 14, and...oh sweet Jesus, here comes Channing Frye again. Fantastic. What’s that? Mike Rice loves this move? I never would have guessed. For the record, I’m giving this decision one frye with no frye sauce.

5:48 – Channing immediately pops a 20-footer, and it’s a 10-point game. OK, fine. Two fryes. Shut up.

Fourth Quarter

5:52 – I would use many adjectives to describe the sandwiches that I purchase at Subway, but “FLAYVALICIOUS” is not among them.

5:54 – Aldridge does his best “Don Nelson in Game 7 of the ’69 Finals” impression. We’re not dead yet.

5:55 – Reggie Evans strikes again by pushing Channing in the back after elbowing Brandon upside the head (no whistle on that one, naturally). OK, you know what? I’m upping the bounty. You put him out, and you get the keys to my house for a month. Do what you want, when you want. I’m not going to ask any questions. Seriously, though. That Reggie Evans is a bad man. He’s like some sort of evil, black, basketball-wielding Santa Claus.

5:57 – Travis makes a brilliant defensive play and then immediately makes a boneheaded one. Welcome to the Travis Outlaw Experience, Sixers fans.

6:00 – Both teams play hard. We’re trading buckets, which is no good. We gotta get some stops or we’re done sauce.

6:02 – I swear to God, Evans thinks he’s playing under prison rules. Forget the NBA, that guy should be fighting Kimbo Slice in a backyard somewhere.

6:05 – So, turns out Stevesie suffered a mild shoulder separation, and he’ll be out one to two weeks. God, are we going to miss that guy. By the way, Philly’s up 17, so...yeah.

6:09 – And the answer to the Aflac “Pick A Name That Sounds Vaguely Familiar” is…Bill Walton? You mean...I...I got it...right??? Wow. This might be the greatest day of my life. What’s even cooler is that I actually sort of understood the question when they asked it.

6:11 – Nate waves the white flag and removes Brandon and LMA from the contest. Smart move. Save that energy for tomorrow, boys. Live to fight another day. Of course, there’s still a glimmer of hope for tonight, because.......

6:12 – HERE COMES SHAVLIK!!!!!!

Post-Game Thoughts

I have none. That was the worst I’ve seen us play since the season opener. Yes, that was worse than our TD Banknorth beatdown. At least we were competitive for a while in that one. I gotta tell you, guys. This one stings. Especially after how Greg performed in Chicago. Our lack of Fernandez was wildly apparent. Well, there’s always New Jersey. Later, maniacs.

The Kobestoppers’ Triumphant Return!

It’s official, the Kobestoppers have returned from a long holiday hiatus. Now I know what you all are thinking: “These guys are too lazy to keep the blog updated over the holidays.”

WRONG.

In fact, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for our extended absence, and since you readers are so skeptical and rude, I will share it with you:

Three weeks ago, Mike and I received a crucial message from an anonymous source.



Naturally, Mike (from now on to be referred to as Blade, the one with the white pants) and I (from now on to be referred to as Striker, the one with the green pants) took this as a direct challenge to our manhood. Oh, and I guess we wanted to save the president too.

We took to the streets, defeating countless ninjas which swarmed at us like clouds of angry insects. These ninjas (as well as ninja women and attack dogs) were highly skilled in combat and used a variety of methods of attack, including charging blindly, leaping with sword drawn, and tossing caltrops on the ground to limit our movement.

However, it quickly became clear that these ninjas underestimated our badness. With an arsenal of moves at our disposal, Blade and I (Striker) came at them like a whirlwind of green and white cloth, tossing around spinning kicks and nunchaku strikes like confetti at a parade.

To make a long story short, Blade and Striker saved the president and, after a quick round of burgers with the commander-in-chief, they took a well-deserved break.



Now that we’re all square, it’s time for a rundown of major events since the Bad Dudes last stopped Kobe:

12/22/08 – The Blazers lost 97-89 to a Carmello-less Nuggets team in Denver. Early foul trouble for Roy and Oden led to a poor start and the Blazer offense never really got flowing. The Birdman soared for 11 points, 3 rebounds, and a nauseating 6 blocks. I guess Nietzsche was right: God is dead. Either that or He’s a Nuggets fan, which is even worse.

12/23/08 – The Blazers won 101-92 over a Carmello-less Nuggets team in Portland. After scoring 14 points in the fourth quarter the night before, the Blazers put up 34 in the fourth quarter of this game. The Birdman was held to 8 points and 4 rebounds. Hallelujah.

12/25/08 – The Mavericks stole Christmas away from the Blazers, 102-94. In a close game, Portland was unable to score in the last 2:30. Dirk Nowitski had 30 points and has a tiny black heart. Jason Terry is an elf with gigantism.

12/27/08 – A gusty fourth-quarter performance by Roy gave the Blazers a 102-89 home win over the floundering Raptors. We found out later that Roy has strained a hamstring and is day-to-day, not exactly what Blazer fans wanted to hear before the big showdown against Boston.

12/30/08 – No Roy? No problem. The Blazers rode the hot shooting of Steve Blake and an angry Greg Oden to a 91-86 victory over the defending champs. This game is now infamous for the “6-on-5 play” in which the Blazers scored at the end of the third quarter with six men on the court. Perhaps just as memorable was the stupendous amount of bitching by my Boston fan friends that followed.

1/2/09 – The Roy-less Blazers were outscored 41-19 in the last 15 minutes of the game to lose 92-77 to New Orleans at home. Ugh. The only bright spot came in the form of a spat between Tyson Chandler and our own Vanilla Gorilla which resulted in Chandler’s ejection. After the game, Joel was quoted as saying “I told him he cries more than my 3-year-old son. He got mad.” Hooray for Pryz.

1/4/09 – The second showdown of the year against the LA Kobe ended much like the first. A lackluster third quarter for Portland resulted in a 100-86 victory for Mamba & Co. The Blazer bench scored a total of 10 points in the loss. Roy was greatly missed.

1/6/09 – LA Kobe stopped in Staples Center by the Hornets. Official Kobestopper of the Week Award goes to David West: 40/11 with two assists. Huzzah!

1/7/09 – Still without Roy, the Blazers defended the Rose Garden against a streaking Pistons team which surely had revenge on its mind from the Portland win in Detroit. This resulted in what was possibly the worst first half of basketball the Blazers have played all season. The Portland zone looked like a gigantic, spread-out turd, which, other than causing traction problems for the opposing team and possibly distracting them with its stench, is not going to prevent much scoring. Fortunately the second half was much better and, after a clutch jumper by Travis with seconds on the clock, Portland escaped with an 84-83 win.

1/9/09 – Dariusgate reaches full fervor. I don’t want to get too deep into these details, so let me refer you HERE if you want to know more (Thanks to Timmmay! at Blazer's Edge). It sucked.

1/10/09 – The Blazers outlasted the Warriors 113-100, behind 26 points from Aldridge and a newly returned Roy. Five players in double figures is a good amount.



That brings us to tonight, where the Blazers will face off against the Chicago Bulls in Illinois. Let me preview the game by providing you with the following pregame IM conversation between myself and my friend Adam (a Nuggets fan):

Adam: I hope that, during tonight’s game, a tiger escapes from the zoo and finds its way to the arena where it is being played. It runs onto the court and rips off Travis Outlaw's face, much to the horror of the other players and the spectators.

Me: Newsflash: Travis Outlaw is an alien, his skin actually an exoskeleton of super hard space diamond, and he would eat the tiger in one bite.

Adam: Well in that case, I'm calling the INS and he will be held in custody until an interstellar extradition is arranged between earth and his home planet, sending him back to where he came from. But only after serving a lengthy jail sentence in federal prison for fabricating citizenship documents and tampering with the interstate commerce that is the NBA.

Me: But, everyone would be safe from the tiger and he would be a national hero. Hundreds of thousands would gather at his hearings, supporting him until he is eventually freed to wild celebration in the streets, thus resulting in the opening of human-extraterrestrial relations and the greatest technological leap in human history.
The end of global warming, pollution, hunger, disease, war: a renaissance unlike any other.

All thanks to your tiger. So, thank you.

Adam: Regardless of all this, the Blazers would still be forced to forfeit all their victories due to their use of an illegal player and they would not go to the playoffs, which to me is far more satisfying than the end of war, poverty, global warming, etc.

Me: Typical Nuggets fan.

Adam: Typical Blazers fan.



I love the NBA.

Links! Basketball Links!

Time for another hoops video binge, maniacs. Hold on to your autographed Bill Walton 8x10 headshot*, cause it's about to get RAW.

* Joe has informed me that I am the only person on earth with an autographed Bill Walton headshot. My apologies.

Dr. Jack's Experiment in Teamwork

Honestly, what's not to love here? Great footage. Great interviews. Great soundtrack. Great "oh man, we're going retro here!" attitude, even though the video itself looks to be about 15 years old judging by Bill's still fiery red locks. Bobby Gross, Lionel Hollins, Dave Twardzik, Johnny Davis, Maurice Lucas, Bill Walton, and Dr. Jack Ramsay. Man, I LOVE watching those guys kick the crap out of Doug Collins.

Troof Come to the Light

Too...many.....great things...to....exalt. Must...resist..urge.....to pass out...from intense laughter......dang dang diggety dang da dang.

Coca-Cola is NOT a sports drink

Honestly, who thought this would be a good idea? Even as a young man, sweating in that Sixers' jersey, Chaz was still the Round Mound of Rebound. And what's Scottie even doing in this commercial? Don't get me wrong, I like the guy. I think he's underrated. Great passer. Great defender. I would love to play with Scottie Pippen. But, um...was MJ busy that weekend or something? Gatorade clearly didn't insert a no-compete clause in his contract, so what's the deal with going with Robin instead of Batman?

Martell's 24-point quarter

Just in case we've forgotten what this guy can do, here's a little reminder. I was at this game, so I missed out on Mike Rice's classic "asbestos gloves" comment. I gotta tell you guys, it was one of the most impressive quarters of basketball I've ever seen. He was literally on fire. Three people died from the uncontrollable flames coming off his body. Feel better, Martell. We're gritting our teeth and biding our time 'till you come back, dude.

Well, that's all she wrote, maniacs. Now get out of here. You're embarrassing yourself.

Oh, wait! I almost forgot! Here are our honorary Kobestoppers of the week:

- Dwyane Wade. I have finally forgiven Flash for the grievous misspelling of his first name, mostly because he dropped 35/6/3/3/2 on the visiting LA Kobe, besting the Mamba in every possible statistical category. D-Wade hit back-to-back baskets in the last 90 seconds and had a crucial block on Pau Gasol in the final minute to help Miami hold on for an 89-87 win. If my mama like it, I like it.



- The Orlando Magic starting lineup. If Portland is going to lose on an incredibly lucky last-second bank shot by TurkeyGlue, the least those bastards could do is beat the LA Kobe at home. And they obliged. The five starters for Orlando combined for a whopping 84 points and Dwight Howard added 12 rebounds. Sure, Mamba dropped 41 points, but that's not nearly as many as 52. And his team lost.

By the way, who else still has a warm, fuzzy feeling inside from Brandon's 52-point game?

FIFTY. TWO. POINTS.

Running Diary - Suns vs. Blazers

Blazers! Suns! The Rose Garden! Snow! Shaq vs. Oden II! Whoooooohooooo!!

Pregame Thoughts:

- The Blazers need a win tonight. Granted, Tuesday’s win over the lowly Kings snapped our mini-slump, but a victory over a Western conference rival and playoff contender would be huge for our confidence

- The newest addition to the ever-rotating Phoenix Suns fantasy squad is Jason Richardson. In two games with J-Rich, the Suns are 2-0 and look to be back to their high-scoring ways of the past. I’m looking at you, Batum, lock him down.

- Gameplan: Bash Terry Porter over the head and spread some hallucinogenic salve onto his wound like Locke does to Boone in “Lost.” Then leave him in the locker room with a Blazers’ jersey and a pair of short shorts. A Roy-Porter backcourt? Yes, please.

- The announcers make a point to mention again and again that the Suns have won the last 11 in a row against Portland. Last win, March 2006? Ouch. Let’s reverse the trend.

Without further ado, let’s rumble!



First Quarter:

11:40 – Aldridge hits a jumper to open the game. Does he start strong or what?

10:30 – Interesting big man series from the tip. First, Greg swats Amar’e HARD as he tries to go to the basket. Unfortunately, Shaq gets the board and takes it strong to Oden, dunking on his head and the foul. Is this trouble? No, as next time down the floor Blake penetrates nicely and dishes to Oden for the big two-handed slam.

The Suns throw it right back into Shaq, but Greg provides nice pressure and forces the travel. On the other end, the Blazers run the SAME EXACT PLAY, forcing Shaq to switch and leaving Oden all alone for the easy flush.

9:52 – Following a Richardson three, Oden gets deep position and flips in a baby hook over the Diesel. Glimpses of the future, folks.

The best part of this exchange was after Greg scored: He turned around and pumped his fist and flashed a smile. I can’t get enough.

7:33 – Great ball movement by Phoenix leads to an open Shaq under the basket. We’re doing a passable job at closing out on shooters thus far, but if they can spread the floor like that Shaquille will go off. This concerns me.

Also, Oden has picked up two quick fouls, as he seems to do against Shaq. Man, I hope he doesn’t get another, we won’t have a center…oh wait, I see a gigantic Vanilla Gorilla on the bench. Does he get to play?

6:25 – Roy drains a dirty 20-footer to cut it to 16-13, Suns.

Sidenote: WOW, the crowd is loud tonight. A couple questionable fouls early has the fans completely engaged. Punish those refs.

5:55 – Aldridge gets his hands up again and forces a turnover. I love this new side to his game. That’s two consecutive games with a steal, he’s going for the record!

4:18 – Brandon and Przybilla run the pick and roll beautifully, confuse the defenders, and Roy throws a sweet chest pass to Pryz under the basket for a slam.

Sidenote: Kevin Nealon is hosting “The Funniest Commercials of the Year” next week. Two things:
1) Why do they keep making these? They are God-awful. Who thinks to themselves: “Oh boy, let’s watch a show of commercials with commercial breaks mixed in!” I guess you could just record it and then fast-forward through the whole thing…
2) Is Kevin Nealon really so desperate? Does he know that prostitution is an option? It would probably be less demeaning.

3:08 – Aldridge comes flying in like a madman from the three point line to slam one down off the miss by Outlaw. LaMarcus is becoming a serious energy/hustle player to go with his sweet stroke. We need that tenacity and toughness.

2:35 – Amar’e does his best…Amar’e impression with a nasty throwdown over Joel. No one is stopping that.

0:47 – LMA drops in a hook and then nails a 15-foot jumper. He has 10 first quarter points to Amar’e’s 2.

0:09 – Roy isolates at the top of the key, switches to the left hand and hits the lay up, with the foul!! Then he hits the free throw. Then he delivers food to hungry children. Then he nurses a baby bird back to health. Then he throws the One Ring into the fires of Mt. Doom. Yes, he’s that good.



Second Quarter:

- At the end of the first, the Blazers lead 31-28. Both teams are shooting well and not playing much defense, but I guess that is to be expected.

10:26 – It appears Channing Frye has shrunk 3 inches and gained 40 pounds since Tuesday…wait, no, that’s Ike Diogu! Mike Fratello says that Nate told him before the game that Diogu was going to get minutes over Frye. I give this decision 4.5 Fryes with Frye sauce.

Anyway, Ike makes an instant impact by pretending like he’s capable of dunking from the free throw line. Nice play though, drawing the foul.

9:55 – A lazy Rudy pass gets picked off by Barbosa and he easily finishes in transition. To Rudy: Calm down, have a Marlboro Red, get in your groove.

9:00 – After Rudy dives to save a ball, Diogu misses a lay up under the basket. The Ike-man giveth, the Ike-man taketh away.

Sidenote: TNT has Aldridge “Mic’ed Up” for the first quarter. One of the clips shows LMA closing out on a Nash three pointer and yelling “AAARGH!!” as Nash shoots the ball. Do NBA players really do this? I mean, I do, but I need every advantage I can get.

7:20 – Rudy sneaks around for a nice steal, but can’t connect with Roy on the alley-oop attempt. I like it, just because it would have been so incredibly cool if it had worked.

6:25 – Matt Barnes comes in and hits back-to-back threes with Ike Diogu running full speed at him. He should try yelling “AAARGH!!” The Suns are suddenly up 10 and lighting up from behind the arc. Our second unit needs to step up and match the Suns’ intensity or else this lead is going to swell even more before halftime.

5:33 – Brandon cans a jumper from 19 feet. He’s quietly got 15 first half points. In the last week, he’s truly been asserting himself as the scorer we know he can be. I don’t know if it’s his confidence or struggling bench play or a pair of magic shoes he was given by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, but I like it.



4:39 – Angry Greg with a gigantic block on Barbosa, but then a dumb foul on Barnes when he drives to the hoop. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry…

3:08 – Blake hits a three, capping off his run of 10 straight Blazer points. He is so dangerous when he’s feeling it.

1:05 – Great ball movement around leads to a wide open Rudy three pointer. He’s been quiet, but if you’re like me you think that every time he shoots a three it’s going in.

0:06 – Brandon isolates and gets to the line again. He can seriously do this at will. He hits both and now has 21 for the quarter! Holy crap, why are the announcers not noticing this? It’s all about the Shaqtus, I suppose.

0:02 – Speaking of the Shaqtus, the Blazers play terrible transition D on the inbounds play and Shaq gets an easy lay up and the foul. Why even pressure the ball in this situation? Argh.



Halftime: 66-59 Suns lead.

- Charles Barkley refuses to acknowledge the Christmas music and theme of the show, saying only “Christmas is next week.” He’s got my vote for governor of Alabama, right there.

- The Blazers are getting beat in almost every statistical category, including field goal percentage, rebounds, assists, fast break points, three pointers, number of tattoos, and number of aging superstars. Category we aren’t losing in? Number of extinct creatures, beasts, and extraterrestrials. Frankly, we’re pretty lucky to be down only 7.



Third Quarter:

11:25 – There’s a battle brewing between LaMarcus and Amar’e. Stoudemire nails a long two and Aldridge answers with a back-to-the-basket baby hook. Score update: random capitalizations: 1, random apostrophes: 1.

9:55 – There’s those active hands of LMA again, which leads to a sweet hook deep in the post.

8:10 – Blake hits another three, he’s got 17 for the game! He’s out-Nashing Nash right now, and I love it.

6:50 – Jason Richardson hits another three pointer, putting the Suns up by 9. We are right in this, but with the game at this speed it takes only a few bad breaks to blow this game open. We’re treading water right now.

Sidenote: I’m usually not one to pick on officials, but this game has been very poorly officiated thus far. Oden just got called for a supposed “push” on Shaq. This must be similar to the “boost” that Sarah Palin gave the McCain campaign. Boos rain down on the court: Blazer fans rock.

5:03 – Roy drains a three to keep us alive, 85-77. Still, the announcers fail to take note of the fact that he has 28 points. Through two and a half quarters. Keep ‘em coming.

3:29 – Roy scores on a driving lay up, and the foul on Nash. The man just scored 15 straight Blazer points. He now has 36 points. Hey Nash, TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES!

2:23 – Travis drives to the hoop and flips it in beautifully with the right hand. I get a big smile on my face every time he takes it to the hoop. Travis: You are freakishly athletic. Your body was meant to drive to the cup. DO IT MORE.

Sidenote: The Hyundai commercial voice-over says “Ah, if only the holidays could last a little longer.” Yeah, then we could listen to holiday music longer, have to deal with holiday commercials longer, and waste that much more time and money on gifts that we don’t know if people want! Great!


0:00 – Great energy from Trout off the bench. He hit three jumpers and he just tipped in a score off a (rare) Brandon miss at the buzzer.



Fourth Quarter:

Disclaimer: I was trying and struggling to take notes in the second half, but by the fourth quarter I mostly ended up either jumping around like an idiot in celebration or punching my couch in frustration so hard I got rug burn on my hand. My apologies in advance.

11:30 – The Rose Garden crowd just registered for its zebra hunting license. Rudy just intentionally fouled Amar’e in the key, after which he took two steps and laid the ball in. The refs called continuation, giving Stoudemire the bucket and the foul. Ridiculous.

10:05 – Blake gets a steal and kicks it up court to Roy, who gets fouled going to the hole. Two free throws later he’s got 40 points, a new career-high, and MVP chants raining down from the stands.

7:30 – Barnes hits a three to tie it at 106. We are witnessing an incredibly competitive game, folks.

5:18 – Oh. My. God. Brandon rocks Barnes to sleep at the top of the arc and buries a three in his eye. Matt Barnes shakes hands with Roy, takes off his jersey, unlaces his shoes, and walks into the locker room.

OK, not really, but he might as well have. 43 points for Brandon.

4:42 – Roy misses, but BIG GREG IS THERE! The offensive rebound is swung out, comes to Travis who takes it to the hole for the chance for a three point play. We are simply out-hustling the Suns right now.

3:32 – 45 points. Gadzooks!

3:12 – 47 points.

2:57 – Barnes hits a huge three to put the Suns back on top by 1. I have an idea: let’s not leave him wide open in the corner. Got a job for me, KP?

1:00 – 50 points.

0:09 – FIFTY. TWO. POINTS.

0:05 – Reggie Miller tells us “If you can get a turnover, you can get the ball back.” I don’t know about that, but he used to play so I will trust him.

0:00 – FIFTY. TWO. POINTS.





Post-Game Observations:

- Brandon Roy was simply unstoppable tonight. The Suns tried Barnes, Richardson, Barbosa, it didn’t matter. I’ve been watching the Blazers for pretty much my entire life. I have never seen an individual performance like the one we witnessed in this game. I am in awe. I always knew Brandon was going to be a great player in this league, but I didn’t realize until tonight what he is truly capable of. Woweee, wow, wow, wow.

- Brandon’s game aside, a few key Trail Blazers had huge games which made all the difference for us tonight: Greg Oden (in limited minutes) had two game-changing offensive rebounds in the fourth quarter. Travis Outlaw also had some key rebounds, but more importantly had 14 points, 12 of them in a 5 minutes span. Aldridge played gutsy defense and made some big buckets, none more important than an 18-foot bank shot with the shot clock running out late in the 4th. Steve Blake had 22 points and 10 assists on 8-15 shooting. You guys rock.

- FIFTY. TWO. POINTS.

- Small issue: We need to work on our inbounds plays late in games. This is the second time recently when, late in the game, we failed to get the ball inbounds and had to call a timeout. It worked out this time, but against the Magic, not so much.

- FIFTY. TWO. POINTS.