WRONG.
In fact, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for our extended absence, and since you readers are so skeptical and rude, I will share it with you:
Three weeks ago, Mike and I received a crucial message from an anonymous source.
Naturally, Mike (from now on to be referred to as Blade, the one with the white pants) and I (from now on to be referred to as Striker, the one with the green pants) took this as a direct challenge to our manhood. Oh, and I guess we wanted to save the president too.
We took to the streets, defeating countless ninjas which swarmed at us like clouds of angry insects. These ninjas (as well as ninja women and attack dogs) were highly skilled in combat and used a variety of methods of attack, including charging blindly, leaping with sword drawn, and tossing caltrops on the ground to limit our movement.
However, it quickly became clear that these ninjas underestimated our badness. With an arsenal of moves at our disposal, Blade and I (Striker) came at them like a whirlwind of green and white cloth, tossing around spinning kicks and nunchaku strikes like confetti at a parade.
To make a long story short, Blade and Striker saved the president and, after a quick round of burgers with the commander-in-chief, they took a well-deserved break.
Now that we’re all square, it’s time for a rundown of major events since the Bad Dudes last stopped Kobe:
12/22/08 – The Blazers lost 97-89 to a Carmello-less Nuggets team in Denver. Early foul trouble for Roy and Oden led to a poor start and the Blazer offense never really got flowing. The Birdman soared for 11 points, 3 rebounds, and a nauseating 6 blocks. I guess Nietzsche was right: God is dead. Either that or He’s a Nuggets fan, which is even worse.
12/23/08 – The Blazers won 101-92 over a Carmello-less Nuggets team in Portland. After scoring 14 points in the fourth quarter the night before, the Blazers put up 34 in the fourth quarter of this game. The Birdman was held to 8 points and 4 rebounds. Hallelujah.
12/25/08 – The Mavericks stole Christmas away from the Blazers, 102-94. In a close game, Portland was unable to score in the last 2:30. Dirk Nowitski had 30 points and has a tiny black heart. Jason Terry is an elf with gigantism.
12/27/08 – A gusty fourth-quarter performance by Roy gave the Blazers a 102-89 home win over the floundering Raptors. We found out later that Roy has strained a hamstring and is day-to-day, not exactly what Blazer fans wanted to hear before the big showdown against Boston.
12/30/08 – No Roy? No problem. The Blazers rode the hot shooting of Steve Blake and an angry Greg Oden to a 91-86 victory over the defending champs. This game is now infamous for the “6-on-5 play” in which the Blazers scored at the end of the third quarter with six men on the court. Perhaps just as memorable was the stupendous amount of bitching by my Boston fan friends that followed.
1/2/09 – The Roy-less Blazers were outscored 41-19 in the last 15 minutes of the game to lose 92-77 to New Orleans at home. Ugh. The only bright spot came in the form of a spat between Tyson Chandler and our own Vanilla Gorilla which resulted in Chandler’s ejection. After the game, Joel was quoted as saying “I told him he cries more than my 3-year-old son. He got mad.” Hooray for Pryz.
1/4/09 – The second showdown of the year against the LA Kobe ended much like the first. A lackluster third quarter for Portland resulted in a 100-86 victory for Mamba & Co. The Blazer bench scored a total of 10 points in the loss. Roy was greatly missed.
1/6/09 – LA Kobe stopped in Staples Center by the Hornets. Official Kobestopper of the Week Award goes to David West: 40/11 with two assists. Huzzah!
1/7/09 – Still without Roy, the Blazers defended the Rose Garden against a streaking Pistons team which surely had revenge on its mind from the Portland win in Detroit. This resulted in what was possibly the worst first half of basketball the Blazers have played all season. The Portland zone looked like a gigantic, spread-out turd, which, other than causing traction problems for the opposing team and possibly distracting them with its stench, is not going to prevent much scoring. Fortunately the second half was much better and, after a clutch jumper by Travis with seconds on the clock, Portland escaped with an 84-83 win.
1/9/09 – Dariusgate reaches full fervor. I don’t want to get too deep into these details, so let me refer you HERE if you want to know more (Thanks to Timmmay! at Blazer's Edge). It sucked.
1/10/09 – The Blazers outlasted the Warriors 113-100, behind 26 points from Aldridge and a newly returned Roy. Five players in double figures is a good amount.
That brings us to tonight, where the Blazers will face off against the Chicago Bulls in Illinois. Let me preview the game by providing you with the following pregame IM conversation between myself and my friend Adam (a Nuggets fan):
Adam: I hope that, during tonight’s game, a tiger escapes from the zoo and finds its way to the arena where it is being played. It runs onto the court and rips off Travis Outlaw's face, much to the horror of the other players and the spectators.
Me: Newsflash: Travis Outlaw is an alien, his skin actually an exoskeleton of super hard space diamond, and he would eat the tiger in one bite.
Adam: Well in that case, I'm calling the INS and he will be held in custody until an interstellar extradition is arranged between earth and his home planet, sending him back to where he came from. But only after serving a lengthy jail sentence in federal prison for fabricating citizenship documents and tampering with the interstate commerce that is the NBA.
Me: But, everyone would be safe from the tiger and he would be a national hero. Hundreds of thousands would gather at his hearings, supporting him until he is eventually freed to wild celebration in the streets, thus resulting in the opening of human-extraterrestrial relations and the greatest technological leap in human history.
The end of global warming, pollution, hunger, disease, war: a renaissance unlike any other.
All thanks to your tiger. So, thank you.
Adam: Regardless of all this, the Blazers would still be forced to forfeit all their victories due to their use of an illegal player and they would not go to the playoffs, which to me is far more satisfying than the end of war, poverty, global warming, etc.
Me: Typical Nuggets fan.
Adam: Typical Blazers fan.
I love the NBA.
