What's up, maniacs?
After a little break, I'm happy to announce that the Kobestoppers are back in full swing. Both Striker and I apologize for our lack of updates these past two weeks, but in our defense, we had a LOT of Street Fighter IV to play. Can you say flying, spinning piledriver? Cause Joe sure can. He knows how to spell that one backwards and forwards after that Soviet beatdown I laid on his candy ass with Zangief.
Anyway, I figure that there's no better way to get back into the swing of things than with some Basketball Links. So come on, kids. Jump on the magic bus and start wasting even more time at work.
LA Kobe/Cleveland LeBron makeout session
Just in case you needed another reason to hate these two. Remember when rival players used to show animosity toward each other? Since I've already linked to the McHale/Rambis clothesline clip several times, I'll spare you guys this once. My point is, nowadays it's like everybody has that Magic/Isiah pregame hug/kiss routine going on. Remember last year when LeBron and Paul Pierce both exploded for like 40+ in their playoff series against each other? Didn't it seem like both of them were congratulating each other AS IT WAS HAPPENING? Smiling, high-fiving, essentially letting everyone know that, "Hey, we're happy we're both doing well for our respective teams!"
You know what MJ would have done? He would have stared the other guy down, demanded to guard him, and said, "Look, I don't know exactly what you think you're doing here, but there is no f***ing way you're outplaying me tonight."
The NBA: Where awesome crap like that used to happen.
"Kemp all over that rebound like a bad suit."
Speaking of awesome stuff that used to happen, check out this Shawn Kemp Top 10 Dunks clip. I've reviewed it approximately 200 times, and both Striker and I agree that this is the most impressive Top 10 Dunks clip on Youtube. It's better than Dominique's. Better than Clyde's. Better than MJ's. Seattle fans, think of this more as an homage than a dig at you poor bastards not having a franchise anymore. Remember the good times.
Hollinger's Per Diem on the Magnificent Seven
While I'll always be partial to The Natural as a nickname for Brandon, Hollinger makes a solid case. More importantly (or perhaps unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), he hits the nail on the head in describing Brandon's game. Surprise, fans on the east coast!
"The Birdman flies in any weather."
I guess what I'm trying to say is, we have absolutely no shot at getting a win tonight. Not with Birdman Andersen on watch.
That's it for right now, maniacs. Up next: In-depth previews of the seven squads we could potentially face in the playoffs.
Oh, you didn't know? We keep it real sexy like that.
That's the BIRD CALL.
Showing posts with label links. Show all posts
Showing posts with label links. Show all posts
3.05.2009
2.17.2009
Links! Basketball Links!
Well, NBA All-Star Weekend has come and gone once again. Saddening, I know. But don't fret, my friends, for every rain cloud has a silver lining. In the coming weeks, we will be treated to:
1) A trade deadline mish-mash-mix-em-up in which our Blazers are being rumored to participate. Whispers around the water cooler (or, you know, all over the Internet. Same thing) are pointing to possible trades with SacTown, Milwaukee, Chicago and even Philly. One thing is for certain: no matter who KP1 decides to Pritchslap this year, it's going to be exciting.
Unless of course we just sit on RLEC and wait for it to expire this summer. Then I will frown.
2) Nine teams competing for eight spots in the Western Conference. We WILL be one of those eight teams, my friends. I have foreseen it.
3) THE RETURN OF CHARLES BARKLEY, BABY!!!!!!
Number three is my favorite, in case you didn't catch that.
In honor of The Round Mound's return, here's an all Chaz Barkley links post. Enjoy.
"Please, y'all, go back to Damon Jones' jacket."
Do I really need to say anything here? For the full effect, watch it three times. Trust me.
The Stormin' Mormon strikes again
Kenny is so heartless. Shawn Bradley is one of the few people on the planet who has mastered the Dim Mak, OK? Bruce Springsteen is his shidoshi.
Tiger's Envy
It's a thing of beauty, isn't it?
The Big Charles Barkely Mix
Because of his brilliant and colorful onscreen persona as TNT's resident Muppet, we forget just how good this guy was in his prime. Time to remember.
All right, maniacs. That's it for today. But before I get out of here, I'll leave you with one final, beautiful image. As many of you know, Kobestopper Joe was lucky enough to get courtside seats to last week's Blazers/Warriors game in Oakland. Here is a screen grab from that affair. I've taken the liberty of labeling the important parties in the picture.
I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world. But I do know this: that is the face of a young man who is f---ing happy to see Joel Przybilla.
1) A trade deadline mish-mash-mix-em-up in which our Blazers are being rumored to participate. Whispers around the water cooler (or, you know, all over the Internet. Same thing) are pointing to possible trades with SacTown, Milwaukee, Chicago and even Philly. One thing is for certain: no matter who KP1 decides to Pritchslap this year, it's going to be exciting.
Unless of course we just sit on RLEC and wait for it to expire this summer. Then I will frown.
2) Nine teams competing for eight spots in the Western Conference. We WILL be one of those eight teams, my friends. I have foreseen it.
3) THE RETURN OF CHARLES BARKLEY, BABY!!!!!!
Number three is my favorite, in case you didn't catch that.
In honor of The Round Mound's return, here's an all Chaz Barkley links post. Enjoy.
"Please, y'all, go back to Damon Jones' jacket."
Do I really need to say anything here? For the full effect, watch it three times. Trust me.
The Stormin' Mormon strikes again
Kenny is so heartless. Shawn Bradley is one of the few people on the planet who has mastered the Dim Mak, OK? Bruce Springsteen is his shidoshi.
Tiger's Envy
It's a thing of beauty, isn't it?
The Big Charles Barkely Mix
Because of his brilliant and colorful onscreen persona as TNT's resident Muppet, we forget just how good this guy was in his prime. Time to remember.
All right, maniacs. That's it for today. But before I get out of here, I'll leave you with one final, beautiful image. As many of you know, Kobestopper Joe was lucky enough to get courtside seats to last week's Blazers/Warriors game in Oakland. Here is a screen grab from that affair. I've taken the liberty of labeling the important parties in the picture.
I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world. But I do know this: that is the face of a young man who is f---ing happy to see Joel Przybilla.
2.04.2009
Links! Basketball Links!
What's crackin', maniacs? Hope you've all come down off that cloud after that tasty comeback victory in N'awlins, cause we've got business to attend to.
I guess a more apt title for today's post would be "Links, Videos and Random Thoughts," but since we don't have a section for that, you're just going to have to ignore this glaring continuity error.
Link: Totally factual information regarding one Black Mamba.
I've been laughing at this for three straight days. Join me, won't you?
Random Thought: Is Peja Stojakovic the greasiest man in the NBA?
I feel like he's got to be the odds-on favorite, doesn't he? Seriously, who else is even close? Manu? Oh Boy Oberto? Luis Scola? I still say Peja's greasier than the three of them put together. He's at the top of his game right now.
Video:
It's just a little something I cooked up last year. Yes, it's an original song. Yes, the machines are already assembling, and we need to thi...What? Oh, don't give me that look!! This is TOO basketball related! Look at me reppin' my Drex jersey. Plus my beanie. Plus...OK, OK, fine, it's a cheap plug. Sue me.
Random Thought: Michael Holton's Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson reference during the Hornets game might be my favorite thing that's ever come out of his mouth. Beautiful, Michael.
Link: An instant classic from '92.
This is one of my all-time favorite games. Those of you with decent memories will recall how this fourth quarter ends. I won't spoil it for those of you in the dark. Just watch it. Trust me. Oh, and make sure you click that little "watch in high quality" button. Makes a huge difference. Anyway, without further ado, take it away, Marv and Czar!
Random Thought: I love Mike Rice. And Mike Barrett. But mainly, Mike Rice.
Did anybody else catch Mike Rice being especially senile during the Hornets game? He mistook that canned, Nature Boy Flair "Wooooo!" that the audio guy plays after a free throw for the Hornets floor announcer arrogantly making "cat calls" at our team to rub in the big lead. I love you, Mike Rice.
Also, during the Superbowl I was thinking, man, I really wish the Mikes were watching this game with me right now. You think it would be weird for Barrett to just sit there and watch the game? I bet he couldn't restrain himself from calling the action. While everybody else was just screaming wildly during the Santonio Holmes Show, I bet you Barrett would have busted out a mighty fine "Roethlisberger in the pocket! Looking, looking... rifles one deep to the corner of the endzone!!!! CAUGHT by Santonio HOLMES!!!!!!!"
Only in dreams, dear friends. Only in dreams.
Link: And finally, another sorely disappointed websoldier has apparently made his way to Kobestoppers. Apologies, my good sir, but that is not what we do here. You're looking for the Mr. Potato Head Wearing Pro Sports Jerseys Store. It's just down the street.
I guess a more apt title for today's post would be "Links, Videos and Random Thoughts," but since we don't have a section for that, you're just going to have to ignore this glaring continuity error.
Link: Totally factual information regarding one Black Mamba.
I've been laughing at this for three straight days. Join me, won't you?
Random Thought: Is Peja Stojakovic the greasiest man in the NBA?
I feel like he's got to be the odds-on favorite, doesn't he? Seriously, who else is even close? Manu? Oh Boy Oberto? Luis Scola? I still say Peja's greasier than the three of them put together. He's at the top of his game right now.
Video:
It's just a little something I cooked up last year. Yes, it's an original song. Yes, the machines are already assembling, and we need to thi...What? Oh, don't give me that look!! This is TOO basketball related! Look at me reppin' my Drex jersey. Plus my beanie. Plus...OK, OK, fine, it's a cheap plug. Sue me.
Random Thought: Michael Holton's Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson reference during the Hornets game might be my favorite thing that's ever come out of his mouth. Beautiful, Michael.
Link: An instant classic from '92.
This is one of my all-time favorite games. Those of you with decent memories will recall how this fourth quarter ends. I won't spoil it for those of you in the dark. Just watch it. Trust me. Oh, and make sure you click that little "watch in high quality" button. Makes a huge difference. Anyway, without further ado, take it away, Marv and Czar!
Random Thought: I love Mike Rice. And Mike Barrett. But mainly, Mike Rice.
Did anybody else catch Mike Rice being especially senile during the Hornets game? He mistook that canned, Nature Boy Flair "Wooooo!" that the audio guy plays after a free throw for the Hornets floor announcer arrogantly making "cat calls" at our team to rub in the big lead. I love you, Mike Rice.
Also, during the Superbowl I was thinking, man, I really wish the Mikes were watching this game with me right now. You think it would be weird for Barrett to just sit there and watch the game? I bet he couldn't restrain himself from calling the action. While everybody else was just screaming wildly during the Santonio Holmes Show, I bet you Barrett would have busted out a mighty fine "Roethlisberger in the pocket! Looking, looking... rifles one deep to the corner of the endzone!!!! CAUGHT by Santonio HOLMES!!!!!!!"
Only in dreams, dear friends. Only in dreams.
Link: And finally, another sorely disappointed websoldier has apparently made his way to Kobestoppers. Apologies, my good sir, but that is not what we do here. You're looking for the Mr. Potato Head Wearing Pro Sports Jerseys Store. It's just down the street.
1.26.2009
Links! Basketball Links!
What's crackin' maniacs? Everybody good and pumped up for tonight's game?? I know I am. Kobestopper Joe is even attending, live and in person. No, really. He's there. Right in the heart of the lion, gettin' ready to stomp those...uhh...
Wait, who are we playing again?
Ah yes. The Clips, of course. How could I forget? We need to take this game seriously.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "Mike, you're a huge loser. You're afraid of everybody we play. Just relax. The Clips are lousy. They got lucky last time."
To that, I will respond with this: First, there is no such thing as luck. The way the ball bounces is preordained by a merciless band of omnipotent, drunken space elves. Second, as I've learned from years of tutelage under both Bas Rutten and Pat Morita, it is ALWAYS a bad idea to underestimate your opponent.
Now that we're all convinced we need to play hard for 48 minutes in order to beat this talented but underachieving Clippers squad, time to move on to...oh, actually...you know what? Never mind. It seems I've made a bit of an error in judgment, here.
Allow me to present the Clips' box score for their most recent game.
So, let me get this straight.
Baron, Kaman, Z-bo and Taylor are all out, and Camby, Skinner and Collins are all day-to-day?
Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008-2009 Los Angeles Clippers!!!
Seriously, how are all 18 people in the Kobe Center going to contain their laughter during the starting lineups??
"And NOOOOWWWWWWWWWW........... AT CENNTERRRRRRR........... SIIXXX FOOT ELLEVVVENNNN.... UNNNNNDRAAAFFFFTED OUT OF TEXXXXASSSS AYYY ANNNN EMMMMMM...... NUMBER NIIIIINE......... DEEEEE-AHHHNNNDRAAYYYYYYYY JOOORRRDAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!!"
God, can you even believe that? DeAndre Jordan? Really??? I feel like we should start a Frye/Shavlik/Diogu frontcourt just to make the first half interesting. Those poor bastards might as well throw Bow Wow and Frankie Muniz out there.
In honor of the impending Clipper evisceration, we're doing an ALL ZACH RANDOLPH links post today. Feel better, big guy.
Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry, couldn't keep a straight face with that one. I hope that knee f---ing disintegrates. I really do.
He's a classy guy.
We're just warming up. That's what you call a little Zach-atizer before the main course.
"Cause he's a good team player, and he's a good shooter."
Um, I don't know where you're getting your information there, Little Zack, but neither of those qualities have ever been attributed to Big Zach. By anyone. Ever.
By the way, I couldn't embed the video. Sorry to all those especially lazy readers out there.
"I don't even know what he's doing, Leo."
Hey, remember when we had to watch this kind of stuff on a nightly basis? Wasn't that fun? MAN, I miss that.
"Come own eeeen. Come own EEEEEEEEEN."
Be forewarned. This is only for the especially masochistic. Behold: a day in the life of Z-bo as documented by a website for student athletes. He's changing his image. No, really, he is. New York's going to be different. Awwww, look at him play with the kids. Isn't that sweet? Hey, why are all those photographers around? Whatever. It's for the kids, right? Yeah, totally.
Night at the Starbury
No comment.
Wait, who are we playing again?
Ah yes. The Clips, of course. How could I forget? We need to take this game seriously.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "Mike, you're a huge loser. You're afraid of everybody we play. Just relax. The Clips are lousy. They got lucky last time."
To that, I will respond with this: First, there is no such thing as luck. The way the ball bounces is preordained by a merciless band of omnipotent, drunken space elves. Second, as I've learned from years of tutelage under both Bas Rutten and Pat Morita, it is ALWAYS a bad idea to underestimate your opponent.
Now that we're all convinced we need to play hard for 48 minutes in order to beat this talented but underachieving Clippers squad, time to move on to...oh, actually...you know what? Never mind. It seems I've made a bit of an error in judgment, here.
Allow me to present the Clips' box score for their most recent game.
So, let me get this straight.
Baron, Kaman, Z-bo and Taylor are all out, and Camby, Skinner and Collins are all day-to-day?
Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008-2009 Los Angeles Clippers!!!
Seriously, how are all 18 people in the Kobe Center going to contain their laughter during the starting lineups??
"And NOOOOWWWWWWWWWW........... AT CENNTERRRRRRR........... SIIXXX FOOT ELLEVVVENNNN.... UNNNNNDRAAAFFFFTED OUT OF TEXXXXASSSS AYYY ANNNN EMMMMMM...... NUMBER NIIIIINE......... DEEEEE-AHHHNNNDRAAYYYYYYYY JOOORRRDAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!!"
God, can you even believe that? DeAndre Jordan? Really??? I feel like we should start a Frye/Shavlik/Diogu frontcourt just to make the first half interesting. Those poor bastards might as well throw Bow Wow and Frankie Muniz out there.
In honor of the impending Clipper evisceration, we're doing an ALL ZACH RANDOLPH links post today. Feel better, big guy.
Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry, couldn't keep a straight face with that one. I hope that knee f---ing disintegrates. I really do.
He's a classy guy.
We're just warming up. That's what you call a little Zach-atizer before the main course.
"Cause he's a good team player, and he's a good shooter."
Um, I don't know where you're getting your information there, Little Zack, but neither of those qualities have ever been attributed to Big Zach. By anyone. Ever.
By the way, I couldn't embed the video. Sorry to all those especially lazy readers out there.
"I don't even know what he's doing, Leo."
Hey, remember when we had to watch this kind of stuff on a nightly basis? Wasn't that fun? MAN, I miss that.
"Come own eeeen. Come own EEEEEEEEEN."
Be forewarned. This is only for the especially masochistic. Behold: a day in the life of Z-bo as documented by a website for student athletes. He's changing his image. No, really, he is. New York's going to be different. Awwww, look at him play with the kids. Isn't that sweet? Hey, why are all those photographers around? Whatever. It's for the kids, right? Yeah, totally.
Night at the Starbury
No comment.
1.14.2009
Links! Basketball Links!
OK boys and girls, you know the routine by now. Who's ready for some videos des baskets?
"Ees a sooprize."
I imagine all of you maniacs out there have seen the NBA's "Vote one of these talented rookies into the Dunk...er...the SPRITE RISING SUPERNOVA SLAMSATION!" commercials during a recent Blazer broadcast. I must confess, one particular candidate has wooed me into a full-blown schoolboy man crush. He did this with two simple, beautiful words:
"Vote me."
And so we will, Rudy. We will vote you. As God as my witness, people...if you don't vote him...heads will roll.
Heads. Will roll.
He's Old Greg
Striker (green pants) has brought it to my attention that we've made many an Old Greg joke on this little electroperiodical of ours, and yet simple theory and calculation would indicate that very few if any readers have actually seen the material we've been referencing.
So, after watching the above video, if you want to play the game, all you do is this:
1) Scream "I'm Old Greg!!" after every Greg dunk.
2) Scream "Make an assessment!" after every Greg block.
3) Say "Do you love me?" after Greg makes a free throw.
4) Say "Funk Shake" if he misses a free throw.
Oh, and make sure you're drinking more whiskey than you probably should during all this. Ummmm...yeah. That's the clincher, really.
"De La Hoya/Pacquiao"
OK, scale of one to ten, how disappointed were you that they didn't let Pryz and T-Chand throw down? I'm a 17, personally. Even with a broken wrist, I figure the line is about:
Pryz: -475
Chandler: +380
Tyson's got that huge reach, but something tells me Pryz's heart, chin, and effective body punching would spell disaster for the chicken strip king. In fact, I've taken the liberty of simulating what the fight would look like had it occurred, and it goes a little something like this:
Special thanks to Bustabucket for uploading the Comcast clip. One final note: check out the old guy in the championship era sweater at 1:22 and 4:00. First, he admonishes Chandler for his poor sportsmanship. Then, after Chandler is ejected, Old Guy patronizingly stands and waves "bye-bye" as Chandler exits the floor. I don't know who this man is, but I need to find out. I'm making him another of my honorary grandpas.
Well, that's the end of the road, maniacs. Now go get ready for a tough Philly squad headed by none other than our former father-figure and sometimes lover, Mo Cheeks.
"Ees a sooprize."
I imagine all of you maniacs out there have seen the NBA's "Vote one of these talented rookies into the Dunk...er...the SPRITE RISING SUPERNOVA SLAMSATION!" commercials during a recent Blazer broadcast. I must confess, one particular candidate has wooed me into a full-blown schoolboy man crush. He did this with two simple, beautiful words:
"Vote me."
And so we will, Rudy. We will vote you. As God as my witness, people...if you don't vote him...heads will roll.
Heads. Will roll.
He's Old Greg
Striker (green pants) has brought it to my attention that we've made many an Old Greg joke on this little electroperiodical of ours, and yet simple theory and calculation would indicate that very few if any readers have actually seen the material we've been referencing.
So, after watching the above video, if you want to play the game, all you do is this:
1) Scream "I'm Old Greg!!" after every Greg dunk.
2) Scream "Make an assessment!" after every Greg block.
3) Say "Do you love me?" after Greg makes a free throw.
4) Say "Funk Shake" if he misses a free throw.
Oh, and make sure you're drinking more whiskey than you probably should during all this. Ummmm...yeah. That's the clincher, really.
"De La Hoya/Pacquiao"
OK, scale of one to ten, how disappointed were you that they didn't let Pryz and T-Chand throw down? I'm a 17, personally. Even with a broken wrist, I figure the line is about:
Pryz: -475
Chandler: +380
Tyson's got that huge reach, but something tells me Pryz's heart, chin, and effective body punching would spell disaster for the chicken strip king. In fact, I've taken the liberty of simulating what the fight would look like had it occurred, and it goes a little something like this:
Special thanks to Bustabucket for uploading the Comcast clip. One final note: check out the old guy in the championship era sweater at 1:22 and 4:00. First, he admonishes Chandler for his poor sportsmanship. Then, after Chandler is ejected, Old Guy patronizingly stands and waves "bye-bye" as Chandler exits the floor. I don't know who this man is, but I need to find out. I'm making him another of my honorary grandpas.
Well, that's the end of the road, maniacs. Now go get ready for a tough Philly squad headed by none other than our former father-figure and sometimes lover, Mo Cheeks.
12.20.2008
Links! Basketball Links!
Time for another hoops video binge, maniacs. Hold on to your autographed Bill Walton 8x10 headshot*, cause it's about to get RAW.
* Joe has informed me that I am the only person on earth with an autographed Bill Walton headshot. My apologies.
Dr. Jack's Experiment in Teamwork
Honestly, what's not to love here? Great footage. Great interviews. Great soundtrack. Great "oh man, we're going retro here!" attitude, even though the video itself looks to be about 15 years old judging by Bill's still fiery red locks. Bobby Gross, Lionel Hollins, Dave Twardzik, Johnny Davis, Maurice Lucas, Bill Walton, and Dr. Jack Ramsay. Man, I LOVE watching those guys kick the crap out of Doug Collins.
Troof Come to the Light
Too...many.....great things...to....exalt. Must...resist..urge.....to pass out...from intense laughter......dang dang diggety dang da dang.
Coca-Cola is NOT a sports drink
Honestly, who thought this would be a good idea? Even as a young man, sweating in that Sixers' jersey, Chaz was still the Round Mound of Rebound. And what's Scottie even doing in this commercial? Don't get me wrong, I like the guy. I think he's underrated. Great passer. Great defender. I would love to play with Scottie Pippen. But, um...was MJ busy that weekend or something? Gatorade clearly didn't insert a no-compete clause in his contract, so what's the deal with going with Robin instead of Batman?
Martell's 24-point quarter
Just in case we've forgotten what this guy can do, here's a little reminder. I was at this game, so I missed out on Mike Rice's classic "asbestos gloves" comment. I gotta tell you guys, it was one of the most impressive quarters of basketball I've ever seen. He was literally on fire. Three people died from the uncontrollable flames coming off his body. Feel better, Martell. We're gritting our teeth and biding our time 'till you come back, dude.
Well, that's all she wrote, maniacs. Now get out of here. You're embarrassing yourself.
Oh, wait! I almost forgot! Here are our honorary Kobestoppers of the week:
- Dwyane Wade. I have finally forgiven Flash for the grievous misspelling of his first name, mostly because he dropped 35/6/3/3/2 on the visiting LA Kobe, besting the Mamba in every possible statistical category. D-Wade hit back-to-back baskets in the last 90 seconds and had a crucial block on Pau Gasol in the final minute to help Miami hold on for an 89-87 win. If my mama like it, I like it.
- The Orlando Magic starting lineup. If Portland is going to lose on an incredibly lucky last-second bank shot by TurkeyGlue, the least those bastards could do is beat the LA Kobe at home. And they obliged. The five starters for Orlando combined for a whopping 84 points and Dwight Howard added 12 rebounds. Sure, Mamba dropped 41 points, but that's not nearly as many as 52. And his team lost.
By the way, who else still has a warm, fuzzy feeling inside from Brandon's 52-point game?
FIFTY. TWO. POINTS.
* Joe has informed me that I am the only person on earth with an autographed Bill Walton headshot. My apologies.
Dr. Jack's Experiment in Teamwork
Honestly, what's not to love here? Great footage. Great interviews. Great soundtrack. Great "oh man, we're going retro here!" attitude, even though the video itself looks to be about 15 years old judging by Bill's still fiery red locks. Bobby Gross, Lionel Hollins, Dave Twardzik, Johnny Davis, Maurice Lucas, Bill Walton, and Dr. Jack Ramsay. Man, I LOVE watching those guys kick the crap out of Doug Collins.
Troof Come to the Light
Too...many.....great things...to....exalt. Must...resist..urge.....to pass out...from intense laughter......dang dang diggety dang da dang.
Coca-Cola is NOT a sports drink
Honestly, who thought this would be a good idea? Even as a young man, sweating in that Sixers' jersey, Chaz was still the Round Mound of Rebound. And what's Scottie even doing in this commercial? Don't get me wrong, I like the guy. I think he's underrated. Great passer. Great defender. I would love to play with Scottie Pippen. But, um...was MJ busy that weekend or something? Gatorade clearly didn't insert a no-compete clause in his contract, so what's the deal with going with Robin instead of Batman?
Martell's 24-point quarter
Just in case we've forgotten what this guy can do, here's a little reminder. I was at this game, so I missed out on Mike Rice's classic "asbestos gloves" comment. I gotta tell you guys, it was one of the most impressive quarters of basketball I've ever seen. He was literally on fire. Three people died from the uncontrollable flames coming off his body. Feel better, Martell. We're gritting our teeth and biding our time 'till you come back, dude.
Well, that's all she wrote, maniacs. Now get out of here. You're embarrassing yourself.
Oh, wait! I almost forgot! Here are our honorary Kobestoppers of the week:
- Dwyane Wade. I have finally forgiven Flash for the grievous misspelling of his first name, mostly because he dropped 35/6/3/3/2 on the visiting LA Kobe, besting the Mamba in every possible statistical category. D-Wade hit back-to-back baskets in the last 90 seconds and had a crucial block on Pau Gasol in the final minute to help Miami hold on for an 89-87 win. If my mama like it, I like it.
- The Orlando Magic starting lineup. If Portland is going to lose on an incredibly lucky last-second bank shot by TurkeyGlue, the least those bastards could do is beat the LA Kobe at home. And they obliged. The five starters for Orlando combined for a whopping 84 points and Dwight Howard added 12 rebounds. Sure, Mamba dropped 41 points, but that's not nearly as many as 52. And his team lost.
By the way, who else still has a warm, fuzzy feeling inside from Brandon's 52-point game?
FIFTY. TWO. POINTS.
12.09.2008
Links! Basketball Links!
It's that time of the month again, sports fans. No, not that time. This is a much better time. It's time for some basketball links.
"It's too hot out here, man."
We miss you too, Sabas.
Zach Randolph: Power of Blazers
Reuben Patterson: Secret Weapon of Blazers
Whoever made this mix: Self-Loathing Sadomasochist of Blazers. Seriously, have two guys ever deserved a mix less? And does every franchise have one crazy fan who makes crap like this? Is there some Sixers fan who's posting "Shawn Bradly vs. Jeff Malone" mixtapes? I may try and get this guy to do an interview to find out just what exactly he was thinking. Stay tuned.
Secret Weapon of Blazers???? Seriously???????
Lucas vs. Dawkins
Philadelphia Spectrum, 1977
Remember how cool basketball used to be? Well, actually, I guess I don't. I wasn't born yet. But MAN basketball used to be cool. They should have let 'em go. Mo would have rearranged Dawkins' face. Chocolate Thunder would have become Chocolate GIGANTIC HOSPITAL BILL.
Well, that's it for now, Blazermaniacs. Train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and get ready for a big home victory against the Magic.
"It's too hot out here, man."
We miss you too, Sabas.
Zach Randolph: Power of Blazers
Reuben Patterson: Secret Weapon of Blazers
Whoever made this mix: Self-Loathing Sadomasochist of Blazers. Seriously, have two guys ever deserved a mix less? And does every franchise have one crazy fan who makes crap like this? Is there some Sixers fan who's posting "Shawn Bradly vs. Jeff Malone" mixtapes? I may try and get this guy to do an interview to find out just what exactly he was thinking. Stay tuned.
Secret Weapon of Blazers???? Seriously???????
Lucas vs. Dawkins
Philadelphia Spectrum, 1977
Remember how cool basketball used to be? Well, actually, I guess I don't. I wasn't born yet. But MAN basketball used to be cool. They should have let 'em go. Mo would have rearranged Dawkins' face. Chocolate Thunder would have become Chocolate GIGANTIC HOSPITAL BILL.
Well, that's it for now, Blazermaniacs. Train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and get ready for a big home victory against the Magic.
12.04.2008
Links! Basketball Links!
Well, I guess it's time for our first-ever links update. Unfortunately for you guys, it won't be our last.
Perhaps it’s lost its timeliness since we just smoked the Knicks on their home turf, but this was just too good to pass up. Here’s Joe’s boy Stephen A. Smith discussing the Knicks/Starbury situation at high volume. My favorite part comes around the four-minute mark when Stephen A. explains the bloodfeud going on between Stephon and Quentin Richardson. Stephen A.’s comments are in all caps, because, quite frankly, Stephen A. Smith only speaks in capital letters.
“HE HAS ALWAYS DESPISED STEPHON MARBURY. MORE THAN A YEAR AGO…Q RICHARDSON HAD TO BE RESTRAINED FROM GOING AFTER STEPHON MARBURY…HE WENT OUTSIDE AND REFUSED TO LEAVE UNTIL STEPHON MARBURY CAME OUT SO HE COULD PUT HIS HANDS ON STEPHON MARBURY. AND OBVIOUSLY, STEPHON MARBURY WOULDN’T COME OUTSIDE THE KNICKS’ PRACTICE FACILITY, BECAUSE HE WAS FEARFUL THAT HE WOULD BE HARMED.”
Notice how Stephen A. uses Stephon Marbury’s full name approximately 4,221 times during this six-minute interview. It only gets better upon repeat viewings. Trust me.
Who betta? Who betta than Kobe? This seemingly unsolvable and eternal question burns like the red sun of Krypton within the soul of every Blazers fan. It causes us to daydream at work. It makes us lose sleep at night, staring at the ceiling for hours on end. But no more, patrons of Rip City. Starting next week, we’ll be posting a new segment called “Who Betta?” in which we answer that very question. I can feel your heart beginning to race. Settle down. Gotta make it to next week, after all.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Elie Seckbach Variety Hour!
I can’t believe this exists. How have I not known about this man up until now?!
I love how he starts both of those packages:
“There are many great players in the NBA, all good in their own right…”
“We’ve all seen NBA All-Star Kobe Bryant do amazing things on the basketball court – the way he shoots, dunks, and passes…”
Also, check out how Brevin Knight is spelled Brvin Knight in that first clip. This guy and his crew must have gone to the Bobby Heenan School of Broadcast Journalism. Twenty bucks says he wrote his own Wikipedia page.
Mercifully, that's it for now, sports fans. Until next time, just...you know...um...find your own basketball links.
Perhaps it’s lost its timeliness since we just smoked the Knicks on their home turf, but this was just too good to pass up. Here’s Joe’s boy Stephen A. Smith discussing the Knicks/Starbury situation at high volume. My favorite part comes around the four-minute mark when Stephen A. explains the bloodfeud going on between Stephon and Quentin Richardson. Stephen A.’s comments are in all caps, because, quite frankly, Stephen A. Smith only speaks in capital letters.
“HE HAS ALWAYS DESPISED STEPHON MARBURY. MORE THAN A YEAR AGO…Q RICHARDSON HAD TO BE RESTRAINED FROM GOING AFTER STEPHON MARBURY…HE WENT OUTSIDE AND REFUSED TO LEAVE UNTIL STEPHON MARBURY CAME OUT SO HE COULD PUT HIS HANDS ON STEPHON MARBURY. AND OBVIOUSLY, STEPHON MARBURY WOULDN’T COME OUTSIDE THE KNICKS’ PRACTICE FACILITY, BECAUSE HE WAS FEARFUL THAT HE WOULD BE HARMED.”
Notice how Stephen A. uses Stephon Marbury’s full name approximately 4,221 times during this six-minute interview. It only gets better upon repeat viewings. Trust me.
Who betta? Who betta than Kobe? This seemingly unsolvable and eternal question burns like the red sun of Krypton within the soul of every Blazers fan. It causes us to daydream at work. It makes us lose sleep at night, staring at the ceiling for hours on end. But no more, patrons of Rip City. Starting next week, we’ll be posting a new segment called “Who Betta?” in which we answer that very question. I can feel your heart beginning to race. Settle down. Gotta make it to next week, after all.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Elie Seckbach Variety Hour!
I can’t believe this exists. How have I not known about this man up until now?!
I love how he starts both of those packages:
“There are many great players in the NBA, all good in their own right…”
“We’ve all seen NBA All-Star Kobe Bryant do amazing things on the basketball court – the way he shoots, dunks, and passes…”
Also, check out how Brevin Knight is spelled Brvin Knight in that first clip. This guy and his crew must have gone to the Bobby Heenan School of Broadcast Journalism. Twenty bucks says he wrote his own Wikipedia page.
Mercifully, that's it for now, sports fans. Until next time, just...you know...um...find your own basketball links.
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