Links! Basketball Links!

What's up, maniacs?

After a little break, I'm happy to announce that the Kobestoppers are back in full swing. Both Striker and I apologize for our lack of updates these past two weeks, but in our defense, we had a LOT of Street Fighter IV to play. Can you say flying, spinning piledriver? Cause Joe sure can. He knows how to spell that one backwards and forwards after that Soviet beatdown I laid on his candy ass with Zangief.

Anyway, I figure that there's no better way to get back into the swing of things than with some Basketball Links. So come on, kids. Jump on the magic bus and start wasting even more time at work.


LA Kobe/Cleveland LeBron makeout session


Just in case you needed another reason to hate these two. Remember when rival players used to show animosity toward each other? Since I've already linked to the McHale/Rambis clothesline clip several times, I'll spare you guys this once. My point is, nowadays it's like everybody has that Magic/Isiah pregame hug/kiss routine going on. Remember last year when LeBron and Paul Pierce both exploded for like 40+ in their playoff series against each other? Didn't it seem like both of them were congratulating each other AS IT WAS HAPPENING? Smiling, high-fiving, essentially letting everyone know that, "Hey, we're happy we're both doing well for our respective teams!"

You know what MJ would have done? He would have stared the other guy down, demanded to guard him, and said, "Look, I don't know exactly what you think you're doing here, but there is no f***ing way you're outplaying me tonight."

The NBA: Where awesome crap like that used to happen.


"Kemp all over that rebound like a bad suit."


Speaking of awesome stuff that used to happen, check out this Shawn Kemp Top 10 Dunks clip. I've reviewed it approximately 200 times, and both Striker and I agree that this is the most impressive Top 10 Dunks clip on Youtube. It's better than Dominique's. Better than Clyde's. Better than MJ's. Seattle fans, think of this more as an homage than a dig at you poor bastards not having a franchise anymore. Remember the good times.


Hollinger's Per Diem on the Magnificent Seven

While I'll always be partial to The Natural as a nickname for Brandon, Hollinger makes a solid case. More importantly (or perhaps unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), he hits the nail on the head in describing Brandon's game. Surprise, fans on the east coast!


"The Birdman flies in any weather."


I guess what I'm trying to say is, we have absolutely no shot at getting a win tonight. Not with Birdman Andersen on watch.


That's it for right now, maniacs. Up next: In-depth previews of the seven squads we could potentially face in the playoffs.

Oh, you didn't know? We keep it real sexy like that.

That's the BIRD CALL.

Links! Basketball Links!

What's crackin', maniacs? Hope you've all come down off that cloud after that tasty comeback victory in N'awlins, cause we've got business to attend to.

I guess a more apt title for today's post would be "Links, Videos and Random Thoughts," but since we don't have a section for that, you're just going to have to ignore this glaring continuity error.

Link: Totally factual information regarding one Black Mamba.

I've been laughing at this for three straight days. Join me, won't you?

Random Thought: Is Peja Stojakovic the greasiest man in the NBA?

I feel like he's got to be the odds-on favorite, doesn't he? Seriously, who else is even close? Manu? Oh Boy Oberto? Luis Scola? I still say Peja's greasier than the three of them put together. He's at the top of his game right now.

Video:

It's just a little something I cooked up last year. Yes, it's an original song. Yes, the machines are already assembling, and we need to thi...What? Oh, don't give me that look!! This is TOO basketball related! Look at me reppin' my Drex jersey. Plus my beanie. Plus...OK, OK, fine, it's a cheap plug. Sue me.

Random Thought: Michael Holton's Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson reference during the Hornets game might be my favorite thing that's ever come out of his mouth. Beautiful, Michael.

Link: An instant classic from '92.

This is one of my all-time favorite games. Those of you with decent memories will recall how this fourth quarter ends. I won't spoil it for those of you in the dark. Just watch it. Trust me. Oh, and make sure you click that little "watch in high quality" button. Makes a huge difference. Anyway, without further ado, take it away, Marv and Czar!

Random Thought: I love Mike Rice. And Mike Barrett. But mainly, Mike Rice.

Did anybody else catch Mike Rice being especially senile during the Hornets game? He mistook that canned, Nature Boy Flair "Wooooo!" that the audio guy plays after a free throw for the Hornets floor announcer arrogantly making "cat calls" at our team to rub in the big lead. I love you, Mike Rice.

Also, during the Superbowl I was thinking, man, I really wish the Mikes were watching this game with me right now. You think it would be weird for Barrett to just sit there and watch the game? I bet he couldn't restrain himself from calling the action. While everybody else was just screaming wildly during the Santonio Holmes Show, I bet you Barrett would have busted out a mighty fine "Roethlisberger in the pocket! Looking, looking... rifles one deep to the corner of the endzone!!!! CAUGHT by Santonio HOLMES!!!!!!!"

Only in dreams, dear friends. Only in dreams.

Link: And finally, another sorely disappointed websoldier has apparently made his way to Kobestoppers. Apologies, my good sir, but that is not what we do here. You're looking for the Mr. Potato Head Wearing Pro Sports Jerseys Store. It's just down the street.

Joe Knows

What does Joe know today? Frankly, very little. Fortunately for you, what little I do know is related to the Blazers. Yippee.



1) Gregory Wayne Oden, Jr.

First of all, WOW that is a cool name. I am humbled. Let it be known that Greg "Bruce Wayne" Oden has his 41st 31st 21st birthday coming up on Thursday, January 22. Praise de Lloyd that there's no Friday game.

Second of all, Oden-haters the world 'round wept into their piña coladas last night as Oden dropped a nasty, filthy, mean 24/15 on the Milwaukee Bucks, including 2 steals and 2 blocks. Granted, the Bucks were soft down low even before they lost Andrew Bogut to an "achy back." With Bogut out, Charlie Villaneuva, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, and Dan Gadzuric looked like Snuggles the bear falling onto a stack of 25 Snuggle-washed towels.


That said, Oden's energy was fantastic all night. Every game he plays he appears to have more quickness, agility, explosiveness, and stamina than the last. Chances are you all know this already, but in case you are Colin Cowherd, a giant moron, or both: THIS GUY IS GOING TO BE REALLY REALLY GOOD.



2) Martell? Are you there? Martell?

In Webster's absence, I keep forgetting that he is on the team, then I remember and get really excited. Lately, however, this excitement has turned toward unease over his extended absence. Ever since he re-injured that foot, the Blazers organization has been disturbingly mum about his recovery and return date. The official ESPN injury report says "Webster (foot) is not expected to return until around the All-Star break."

Now, maybe Martell's recovery has simply been lost in the shuffle. Between the Darius Debacle, the unceasing Oden coverage, and an ever-tightening Western Conference playoff race, the Blazers have had a busy season.

Frankly, though, I don't buy it. My worst fear is that his foot is not recovering well. As we have learned from the chronic foot problems of players like Yao Ming and Grant Hill, foot injuries can be nagging and career-disrupting. Get well, Martell!



3) I would be interested in this guy but I'm sure Kevin Pritchard already scouted him.



On a related note, our old friend Mambasucker T had this to say about last night's game between the LA Kobe and the Cleveland Lebron:

"Did you see Mamba's courageous playing last night? A humbling performance on the eve of a historic inauguration. It's almost like he said:

I have seen the promise land, I have lived King's dream, my children will not want for anything that their minds can comprehend. MAMBA MAMBA."

I don't know about the rest, but I have no doubt that he said "MAMBA MAMBA."



4) Brandon's gonna look DAYUM fine in one of these:



That's it for now, folks. Let's hope Lebron still has a cold tomorrow. And for God's sake, don't heckle him about his momma!

Quick Update: More Mamba

After reading Joe's well-written update regarding Kobe's unfathomable douchebaggery, I just had to add a little something of my own. A mutual friend of ours (he sort of plays the annoying Joe Pesci role to our Riggs and Murtaugh) is an avid Mamba lover. He brought this little gem to my attention:



Having the serpent's memory that I do, I immediately used my necromancer powers to call upon this little diddy:



I recommend clicking on the video and following the yellow brick road to youtube, where you can enjoy the clip in high quality. I especially enjoy the second slow motion replay of Kobe falling to the hardwood, soaking wet with his own shame. And sweat. But mainly, his own shame.

Hypocrisy, thy name be Kobe. Suck it, Mamba.

Update: Kobe vs. Spurs

Last night featured a glorious Western Conference Finals rematch between the LA Kobe and the San Antonio Spurs. Both teams shot a ridiculous percentage and the game came down the the final shot. Some might credit the Spurs for their gutty win at the last second. Some might fault Derek Fisher for a silly foul to give Roger Mason the opportunity to put the Spurs ahead. Some might criticize the refs for a ticky-tacky call on that same shot.

But they are all wrong.

The Kobestopper of the Night is:

Karma. God. Krishna. Ra. Mother Earth. Will Smith. The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Whatever your faith, we can agree that a higher power smote the LA Kobe with a metaphorical bolt of white-hot lightning after the team's namesake hit a 3-pointer to put the LA Kobe up by 2. Now, normally the gods would not interfere with something as trifling as a basketball game, but Fate intervened after it saw the following douchebaggery from Kobe Bryant:



That's right folks, after hitting a shot to put the LA Kobe up by 2 with 12 seconds left, Kobe did the "big balls" dance, apparently at someone in the crowd (sidenote: that person is now an honorary Kobestopper. Thank you, mysterious stranger).

Now, there are a lot of circumstances where I would not be the least bit surprised to see Kobe do the big balls dance:

- If Kobe hits a game-winner with no time on the clock,

- If Kobe was getting criticized for his clutch performance and then hit a big shot,

- If Kobe had this man's horrible affliction (NSFW and pretty gross, you've been warned) when "Yeah!" by Usher ft. Ludacris came on in the club.

But not when you have merely put your team ahead with lots of time on the clock.It's not like you're "silencing the critics." It's pretty much agreed that you are the best clutch player in the game. Don't be a douchebag.

Too late.

Who Betta?

In the wake of three tough Portland losses, what betta way to clear the air and start a fresh week than with another installment of the Kobestoppers' Who Betta? segment. Here goes.

Who betta than Kobe? Why it's Greg "The Oyster" Ostertag!



A quick youtube search of Greg Ostertag finds a plethora of highlights and mix tapes. For instance, check out this classic display of athleticism:



Have you ever seen Kobe Bryant do ANYTHING resembling this? I thought not.

How about this one:



Sure, Kobe finishes on the (lucky) reverse two-handed jam, but did you see the FEAR in his eyes as Ostertag converged on him near the hoop? Kobe wasn't trying to score; he was trying to get rid of the ball so he could run as far away from The Oyster as possible. Smart move, Mamba, smart move.

What's that? Kobe jumped over a car? Sure, that seems impressive, until you've seen THIS:



That's right, look at Ostertag, with the beautiful backhanded flip. Notice how he lets the ball bounce twice on his side: VETERAN MOVE. You can't teach that.

The final tally:

Kobe: 12 years pro, 1 MVP, 3 Championships, Women banged: at least 2.
Ostertag: 11 years pro, 2 teams, 1 haircut, Women banged: likely 0.

Who betta? You decide.

Who Betta?

Coming off that brutal home loss against the Orlando Luckyfreakingstraightonbankshots, I thought I’d clear the air a little by posting our first ever installment of “Who Betta?”

In this segment, we attempt to answer that age-old question: Who betta than Kobe? After many years of tireless research and several minutes perusing Wikipedia, I’m ready to unveil our first inductee into the “Who Betta?” Hall of Fame:

Vlade Divacs

Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Just look at him. Look at that beard. You think Kobe could grow a beard like that? Paul Motherf#@*ing Bunyan couldn’t grow a beard like that.

You want stats? Here’s some stats: over 13,000 points, 9,000 boards, 3,000 dimes, and 1,500 blocks. You know who didn’t put up numbers like that? I’ll give you one guess, and the answer isn’t Hakeem or Kareem. In fact, it doesn’t end in an “-eem” of any kind. You got it. Kobe.

You want more? How about this: I used to fall asleep to a mix tape I made of Bill Walton just saying Vlade’s name over and over again. I can still hear it now…VLAAHHDEEEE DEEEEVAHTS.

EVEN MORE??? Oh, I GOT more for you, my son. Just gimme a sec while I UH OH SPONTANEOUS SUPER SICK VLADE MIX TO BLINK 182 WITH ALL HIS SWEET MOVES SUCK IT MAMBA



The best part of this whole experience for me was when I discovered that some random Serbian super-fan was the author of Vlade’s Wikipedia page:

“He began his professional career in Yugoslavia playing for KK Sloga Kraljevo, and was immediately noted for scoring 27 points against mighty Red Star.”

Oh, I’m sorry, did KOBE ever score 27 against mighty Red Star?

45 seconds before the end, Yugoslavia had a comfortable lead of 9 points, but Soviets scored three three-pointers in a row: the third one was result of a steal of Divac's overconfident dribbling at midcourt. In the overtime, the Soviets easily prevailed against the shocked Yugoslavs, who had to be content with the bronze.

Now, some LA fans might try to use this against us Kobestoppers and say, “Hey! See? Your main man Vlade the Gnome wasn’t that great after all!” To that, I will respond with four things:

1) Let he who has never dribbled overconfidently at midcourt throw the first stone. We've all messed up, even the Mamba.

2) Actually, ESPECIALLY the Mamba.

3) I hate Kobe.

4) Where the heck is Yugoslavia, anyway? Is it, like, near Isreal? And, hey! Speaking of Yugoslavs, what the heck ever happened to Toni Kukoc?

That’s all we got, folks. Stay tuned for an upcoming Blazers/Jazz diary, written by my second favorite Blazers fan in the world.

And don’t forget – who betta than Kobe?

Damn right. Vlade betta than Kobe.