Monday: Celts, Spurs fire back

What better way to kill time waiting for Tuesday than to watch some hoops on Monday? Let's not waste any time and get right to my game logs.

Bulls at Celtics

- The first quarter comes to a close. Cue "Thunderstruck." Why is TNT so desperate for their audience to be middle-aged white men? Crank. Dat. Souljah. BOI.

- Jada Pinkett Smith Smith as a sexy, compassionate nurse who bends all those bureaucratic hospital rules to help her patients????? Why, that sounds like the most original idea for a TV series that I've ever heard. Sign me up RIGHT NOW.

- Mikki Moore's hair makes him look like a super tall, gangly, black John Travolta in "Battlefield Earth."

- Both Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins are insisting on referring to Lindsay Hunter as Lindsay LEE Hunter. Like that's going to make us forget that he's both bad at basketball and is the only dude in the room who turns his head when you say, "Hey, Lindsey." Right.

- Watch the guy on the left.

- Wow, I have to admit. I am impressed. Kevin Garnett is absolutely giving Dikembe Mutombo a run for the money in the Sideline Cheerleader department. TNT just held a 17-second shot of KG calmly talk-shouting something into Mikki Moore's ear from roughly one inch away. I can only assume he was telling Mikki that mercy is for the weak and instructing him to sweep somebody's leg. Wow.

- OK, that Popeye's commercial was slightly less racist than Fuzzy Zoeller but slightly more racist than OJ's TIME cover.

- Charles sticking his tongue out like Jabba the Hutt at halftime was the stuff of legend. Now we KNOW who's bringing sexy back.

- I swear to God, KG's head is going to explode, "Scanners" style.

- "Ben Gordon is a flame thrower!" Well put, Kev. As an added bonus, we got to see Ben make that little monocle gesture and say the word "motherf***er" in super slo-mo as we went to commercial.

- Great shot by Ben Gordon. Great shot by Ray Allen. Great job by Vinnie Del Negro to be out of timeouts at the end of two straight playoff games. Give yourselves a round of applause, gang!

Mavs at Spurs

- It's official. Marty Snider is the heir apparent to Craig Sager. Good Lord.

- Who else misses the Alamo Dome? We all need a little more hot pink and turquoise in our lives if you ask me.

- Shot clock violation on Dallas. Coach Carrey makes the same face he did in "Liar Liar" when Audrey tried to take Max away to live in Boston with Carey Elwes.

- Pop is so angry with Bruce Bowen after two missed assignments that his beard spontaneously combusts into flame, reducing his once-glorious mane to mere ash. The viewing public rejoices.

- In case you were wondering, yes, Drew Gooden still sucks.

- Bowen nails a corner three. Honestly, the dude is dangerous from ONE SPOT on the floor. How do you lose him??? Are you wearing blinders? Have you been drinking? Are you Stephon Marbury?

- Just as I come to the conclusion that Roger "Clarence" Mason has turned into a quite a good role player, I notice that this game has gotten uglier than Kurt Thomas and decide to flip on over to "Mythbusters."

- Oh my freaking God, you guys. They're building a f***ing speedboat out of nothing but ice and newspaper. I'm not even joking.


That's it for now, maniacs. Before I go, though, I want to extend some sincere well wishes to Chuck Daly. You're a hell of a coach, Chuck, and I wish you a speedy recovery.

Hope Houston is ready for a fight, because I have a feeling we are...

Update: Kobe vs. Spurs

Last night featured a glorious Western Conference Finals rematch between the LA Kobe and the San Antonio Spurs. Both teams shot a ridiculous percentage and the game came down the the final shot. Some might credit the Spurs for their gutty win at the last second. Some might fault Derek Fisher for a silly foul to give Roger Mason the opportunity to put the Spurs ahead. Some might criticize the refs for a ticky-tacky call on that same shot.

But they are all wrong.

The Kobestopper of the Night is:

Karma. God. Krishna. Ra. Mother Earth. Will Smith. The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Whatever your faith, we can agree that a higher power smote the LA Kobe with a metaphorical bolt of white-hot lightning after the team's namesake hit a 3-pointer to put the LA Kobe up by 2. Now, normally the gods would not interfere with something as trifling as a basketball game, but Fate intervened after it saw the following douchebaggery from Kobe Bryant:



That's right folks, after hitting a shot to put the LA Kobe up by 2 with 12 seconds left, Kobe did the "big balls" dance, apparently at someone in the crowd (sidenote: that person is now an honorary Kobestopper. Thank you, mysterious stranger).

Now, there are a lot of circumstances where I would not be the least bit surprised to see Kobe do the big balls dance:

- If Kobe hits a game-winner with no time on the clock,

- If Kobe was getting criticized for his clutch performance and then hit a big shot,

- If Kobe had this man's horrible affliction (NSFW and pretty gross, you've been warned) when "Yeah!" by Usher ft. Ludacris came on in the club.

But not when you have merely put your team ahead with lots of time on the clock.It's not like you're "silencing the critics." It's pretty much agreed that you are the best clutch player in the game. Don't be a douchebag.

Too late.