Links! Basketball Links!

What's crackin' maniacs? Everybody good and pumped up for tonight's game?? I know I am. Kobestopper Joe is even attending, live and in person. No, really. He's there. Right in the heart of the lion, gettin' ready to stomp those...uhh...

Wait, who are we playing again?

Ah yes. The Clips, of course. How could I forget? We need to take this game seriously.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "Mike, you're a huge loser. You're afraid of everybody we play. Just relax. The Clips are lousy. They got lucky last time."

To that, I will respond with this: First, there is no such thing as luck. The way the ball bounces is preordained by a merciless band of omnipotent, drunken space elves. Second, as I've learned from years of tutelage under both Bas Rutten and Pat Morita, it is ALWAYS a bad idea to underestimate your opponent.

Now that we're all convinced we need to play hard for 48 minutes in order to beat this talented but underachieving Clippers squad, time to move on to...oh, actually...you know what? Never mind. It seems I've made a bit of an error in judgment, here.

Allow me to present the Clips' box score for their most recent game.

So, let me get this straight.

Baron, Kaman, Z-bo and Taylor are all out, and Camby, Skinner and Collins are all day-to-day?

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008-2009 Los Angeles Clippers!!!

Seriously, how are all 18 people in the Kobe Center going to contain their laughter during the starting lineups??

"And NOOOOWWWWWWWWWW........... AT CENNTERRRRRRR........... SIIXXX FOOT ELLEVVVENNNN.... UNNNNNDRAAAFFFFTED OUT OF TEXXXXASSSS AYYY ANNNN EMMMMMM...... NUMBER NIIIIINE......... DEEEEE-AHHHNNNDRAAYYYYYYYY JOOORRRDAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!!"

God, can you even believe that? DeAndre Jordan? Really??? I feel like we should start a Frye/Shavlik/Diogu frontcourt just to make the first half interesting. Those poor bastards might as well throw Bow Wow and Frankie Muniz out there.

In honor of the impending Clipper evisceration, we're doing an ALL ZACH RANDOLPH links post today. Feel better, big guy.

Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry, couldn't keep a straight face with that one. I hope that knee f---ing disintegrates. I really do.

He's a classy guy.


We're just warming up. That's what you call a little Zach-atizer before the main course.


"Cause he's a good team player, and he's a good shooter."

Um, I don't know where you're getting your information there, Little Zack, but neither of those qualities have ever been attributed to Big Zach. By anyone. Ever.

By the way, I couldn't embed the video. Sorry to all those especially lazy readers out there.


"I don't even know what he's doing, Leo."


Hey, remember when we had to watch this kind of stuff on a nightly basis? Wasn't that fun? MAN, I miss that.


"Come own eeeen. Come own EEEEEEEEEN."


Be forewarned. This is only for the especially masochistic. Behold: a day in the life of Z-bo as documented by a website for student athletes. He's changing his image. No, really, he is. New York's going to be different. Awwww, look at him play with the kids. Isn't that sweet? Hey, why are all those photographers around? Whatever. It's for the kids, right? Yeah, totally.


Night at the Starbury


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Links! Basketball Links!

It's that time of the month again, sports fans. No, not that time. This is a much better time. It's time for some basketball links.


"It's too hot out here, man."
We miss you too, Sabas.



Zach Randolph: Power of Blazers
Reuben Patterson: Secret Weapon of Blazers

Whoever made this mix: Self-Loathing Sadomasochist of Blazers. Seriously, have two guys ever deserved a mix less? And does every franchise have one crazy fan who makes crap like this? Is there some Sixers fan who's posting "Shawn Bradly vs. Jeff Malone" mixtapes? I may try and get this guy to do an interview to find out just what exactly he was thinking. Stay tuned.

Secret Weapon of Blazers???? Seriously???????



Lucas vs. Dawkins
Philadelphia Spectrum, 1977

Remember how cool basketball used to be? Well, actually, I guess I don't. I wasn't born yet. But MAN basketball used to be cool. They should have let 'em go. Mo would have rearranged Dawkins' face. Chocolate Thunder would have become Chocolate GIGANTIC HOSPITAL BILL.



Well, that's it for now, Blazermaniacs. Train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and get ready for a big home victory against the Magic.