Can you say flying, spinning piledriver? Cause Joe sure can. He knows how to spell that one backwards and forwards after that Soviet beatdown I laid on his candy ass with Zangief.Mike has since rescinded this comment, after I laid multiple flash kick - double flash kick - ultra flash kick combos on his face with Guile's size 14 combat boots. All is forgiven, Blade. And now, onto...
...The Dallas Mavericks
The Mavericks (as of this moment) sport a 41-28 record, putting them at 8th in the Western Conference (for now, they will probably go up-down-up-up-down-down for the next month). They are coached by Rick Carlisle, who is known for having deliciously well-groomed hair and looking disturbingly like Jim Carrey.
The Mavs are "offensively oriented," which is a phrase I just made up meaning they win their games with their offense. They are eighth in offensive efficiency and eighth in assist ratio. Basically, they win by scoring more than you, not by limiting your scoring. They are however, an excellent defensive rebounding team, so they will limit your second-chance opportunities.
Now, onto the starting lineup:
Starting Lineup:
Before I get going here, I’d like to mention that Joe’s flashkick combo was, for the most part, blocked. Believe me, it caught a lot of shoulder and elbow, but not much else. My hurricane kick/fierce uppercut/super hadoken combo, however, landed flush to the face of the poor major, causing him to crash to the ground and begin whimpering something that was generally unintelligible save for the name “Charlie.” Guess that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy only applies to soldiers who haven’t been soul-raped by Ryu. Good to know.
Unrelated to Blade being a superior Street Fighter to Striker, I still can’t get over this photo mash-up:
The Lloyd Christmas comparison is definitely the best. Seriously, what does Carlisle think when he gets up every morning and looks himself in the mirror? Does he have a mini identity crisis before he realizes that it wasn’t actually him in Bruce Almighty? I bet he breaks into the Ace Ventura voice every now and then without realizing it before crumpling in a heap and bawling his eyes out, cursing the god that made him so. Ten bucks says there’s a sign on the Maverick’s locker room door that says “Your coach is NOT Jim Carrey. Please do not ask for autographs.”Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd that’s all the “Rick Carlisle is Jim Carrey” jokes I’ve got. So sad, I know.
Now, about those Dallas Mavericks: they’ve got a starting lineup, and we’re gonna break it down for you.
PG – Jason Kidd
Hey, you remember this guy? He’s dead. Buried. Long gone. There was a time when Jason Kidd was the most feared floor general in the game. But as he often does, Father Time took a basketball magician and turned him into a mere mortal. While never an elite shooter, ten years ago Kidd was a surgeon on the fast break. Three-on-two situations might as well have been three-on-zero when Kidd had the ball in his hands. Jamal Mashburn, Kenyon Martin, Richard Jefferson, and Kerry Kittles, all of you should call Jason Kidd on a weekly basis and thank him for making you all look like all-stars and scoring you more dough than you were actually worth. Yes, in his prime, Kidd even made Keith Van Horn look like a real basketball player.
But that time has passed. Today, Kidd is still an excellent distributor in the half court, but his fast break attack is but a shell of what it used to be. He’s still a great rebounder for his size, and I can’t think of a smarter player in the league, but he no longer has the physical tools to dominate the ebb and flow of the ballgame. The Mavs like to run a pick-and-roll for him at the top of the key while they run Dirk off screens away from the ball. Kidd can be dangerous off the pick, but only as a passer. As a spot up shooter, he’s mediocre at best. But off the dribble, Kidd couldn’t hit a 20-footer if the basket were four feet in diameter.
This is why we should employ what I like to call “The Rondo Strategy” against him. The plan is simple: slide under every single ball screen they set for Jason Kidd. Dare him to shoot. MAKE him shoot. No, don’t switch when the pick comes. I know we like to do that (actually, we’re usually so bad at defending the pick and roll that we have no other option), but we REALLY don’t need to when Kidd has the ball in his hands (which is the majority of the time if Dirk doesn’t have it in isolation).
Part two is equally simple: keep Kidd off the boards. That’s it. If you don’t, I guarantee he’ll sneak in there with what little voodoo he has left in the tank and steal 11 rebounds before you realize what happened. Even worse, one of those boards will probably come on a crucial possession that gives his team a second chance to win the game or something.
So again, to summarize: Slide under picks. Box him out. Ballgame.
SG - Antoine Wright
Erm...gulp...I would say I don't know much about Antoine Wright's game, but really I think it's that there's not much there. For a guy drafted as a scoring 2-guard, he sure doesn't do much scoring. Instead he has found a niche in the Mavs starting lineup as a defensive specialist. He's long and tall for a shooting guard (6'7") and moves well within Dallas' defensive sets. Ideally he takes pressure off of the now slow-footed Jason Kidd through the first half, and then keeps Jason Terry's seat warm on the bench for the rest of the ballgame. Offensively he certainly won't create any opportunites for himself and is only a mediocre spot-up shooter.
SF – Josh Howard
Howard has been plagued by an ankle injury that caused him to miss 11 games earlier in the season and has kept him off the floor for nearly all of March. Word is, there’s a good chance he’ll miss the rest of the month. Now, as Blazers fans, we’re INTIMATELY familiar with the injury-speak that often comes from training staffs. With that in mind, I think it’s realistic to at least entertain the idea of Howard either sitting on the bench or being rendered ineffective by the still-painful ankle come playoff time.
That’s what I’m calling Plan A. Josh Howard’s ankle pulls a Martell and conveniently decides to stay broken. What’s Plan B, you ask? Well, that’s easy:
We Bruce Bowen his ass. OK, Nic, here’s what you do. Wait for him to spot up for that 18-footer he likes so much, and while he’s still in the air, “accidentally” slide underneath him so he comes down on your foot. Problem solved.
Hey, did I ever tell you guys about how I hate Bruce Bowen even more than I hate the majority of my extended family? No? Oh. Well, I do.
If J-How is healthy come playoff time, my serious Plan B goes something like this: sick Nic on him like a pit bull on a chipmunk. Howard is pretty good off the bounce, but his mid-range J is an even bigger threat. Nic needs to smother him and if at all possible deny him the catch in the first place. If he does get by Nicolas, other defenders (no, not just Joel. You know, our OTHER players…) need to help out. Howard is a talented scorer, but he’s not going to find the open man every time when our help stops his dribble drive. Most importantly, no matter how we do it, we need to hold him to under 20 every game. Why? Check out this excerpt from his Wikipedia page:
Over the last two seasons the Mavs are 37-2 when Howard scores 20 or more points.
If that’s true (and I’m pretty sure it is. Wikipedia is monitored by Jesus), then our mission is clear. All we gotta do is go out there and execute.
PF - Dirk Nowitzki
Ah, Dirk. If Kidd is the brain stem of the team, and Josh Howard and Jason Terry are the genitals, Dirk is the backbone, spinal column, corpus callosum, and probably the left foot, too. Dirk has been the face of the Mavericks franchise for nearly ten years, and for good reason. Not only is the 30-year old, 7-foot Übermensch one of the most unstoppable scorers in the NBA, he has become efficient and consistent, adding 8.4 rebounds and 2.5 assists to go with his 25.5 points per game. What the Blazers witnessed firsthand in their three meetings with the Mavericks this year is that Dirk can make himself essentially unguardable.
The Mavericks fourth quarter offense is basically this:
The high pick and pop with Jason Terry and Dirk, leads to
a) Defenders switching on the pick and Dirk shooting over the defending PG from the free throw line, resulting in a semi-disturbing fist-pump, pulling of the jersey down to his crotch, and weird baring of the teeth,
or
b) Defenders not switching, giving the superfast Jason Terry a wide open path to the basket/jumpshot, resulting in an incredibly lame flying bird pantomime which I shall from now on call "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" (good band name),
or
c) If the defenders run through the screen, the Mavs give it to Dirk in isolation and let him do an impossible spin-move jump shot which he makes approximately 84% of the time.
These are not good options, mainly because the Blazers struggle mightily against the pick and roll. In previous meetings, Coach Nate has tried various defenders on Dirk, including Przybilla. This experiment did not work, as it appears than Joel's relationship with the basket is similar to Superman's with the sun: the farther he gets from it, the weaker he becomes. Fortunately, Striker has the solution: LaMarcus Aldridge.
LaMarcus matches up perfectly against Dirk on the defensive end. Dirk likes to step outside and shoot the jumpshot? LMA can do that. Dirk is 7-feet tall and shoots from above his head? LMA is 6'11" with a 7'5" wingspan, he can do that. Dirk enjoys reading and playing the saxophone? Better bring an extra set of reeds.
If the Blazers put Aldridge on Dirk and Batum on Terry in the fourth quarter, they should be able to effectively counter any of a), b), or c) above. Even if they switch, Batum is long enough to challenge Dirk's jumper, and LMA has quick enough feet to at least slow Terry down and wait for help.
C – Erik Dampier
I know what you’re thinking. How could we POSSIBLY hope to contain the former self-proclaimed greatest center in the Western Conference?
The short answer? We can’t. It’s not a feasible option. Big Damp Dawg goes where he wants when he wants, and you better pray to GOD that you don’t happen to be in the way.
OK, look. While it’s sad that Dampier suffers from Channing Frye’s giant-body-baby-head disease, that doesn’t excuse his lack of offensive skills. It doesn’t take a genius to see that Damp gets most of his points from put-backs after offensive boards and the occasional dunk after a poorly defended pick and roll. If we’re committed to sliding under that ball screen when Kidd has the pill (which we should be), Erika should have zero room to catch and score off the roll to the hoop. Put a body on him on shot attempts and that should be a rap. If he wants to shoot an eight-footer, for the love of God, LET HIM.
One last thing. While generally a slow-moving, uncoordinated sloth beast, on the defensive end, Dampier is actually a half-decent shot blocker. Now, normally I’d say that we should still be aggressive and go to the basket in the hopes of forcing the big man’s hand and putting him in foul trouble. However, since a Dampier exit usually produces a Brandon Bass appearance, maybe we should take a page from Frank Costanza, stop short, and toss in some five-foot floaters in the lane. More explanation will be given in the upcoming Bench section.
No, I know. You’re totally, like, BRISTLING with anticipation. Try not to pass out.
Bench:
The scariest thing about the Dallas bench is that Jason Terry sits on it. A consensus top-3 sixth man in the league, Jason Terry is one of those bench players that comes off the bench, not because he is not starter-quality, but to provide that spark in the middle of the first quarter (a la Ginobili). The Mavs' second leading scorer at 19.8 points and 3.6 assists, he takes over the major ball-handling responsibilities in the fourth quarter (we've already discussed the Mavs late-game offense) and is well known for "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" after he scores a clutch bucket. I guess the maneuver is a reference to the fact that he looks like a bird? I don't know. Putting Nic Batum or Roy on him in the fourth quarter would be our best bet to prevent this atrocity.
The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime!
(A little research has discovered that Jason Terry in fact calls himself "JET," so I assume this retarded-looking celebration is a reference to that. Too bad, I'm not changing the name.)
Let it be known: Here at Kobestoppers we HATE JJ Barea. With a fiery passion. Maybe this is because he seems to go 6-9 from the field with 6 assists and 9 rebounds every time we play them. For some reason (Sergio? Bayless?) our second unit allows Barea to get approximately 4 offensive rebounds against us. This is unacceptable. The Mavs are an excellent defensive rebounding team, but that does not excuse long offensive rebounds by their backup PG. Put a body on him on the glass and get in his face when he spots up and Barea should be no problem.
Brandon Bass is an oversized PF that actually has decent range (especially from the baseline). He rebounds just as well as Dampier, probably blocks shots just as well, and has a habit of playing out of his MIND against us.
The rest of the bench includes guys named Jerry, Devean, Matt, and Ryan. No, they aren't quirky roommates from the latest CBS sitcom, they are basketball players. Just not very good ones. Don't let 'em beat you.
Also worth noting is the fact that, while the Mavs have been consistently relevant within the Western Conference for the last 8 years, they have shown the inability to win big games. From their epic collapse in the Finals against D-Wade and the Miami Officials...er..Heat in 2006 to their shocking upset by eighth-seeded Golden State in 2007, the Mavericks have never quite gotten over that hump to become an elite team.
Can they pull off an eighth-seed upset of their own over the Lakers?
*Help provided on this quote from Kobestopper Adam, and I promised I would publish this original artistic piece for him in return:
Listen up blondes, brunettes and bald people,
one of Chris Andersen's parents is a bald eagle.
and the other happens to be a fire breathing dragon,
he was kicked out the NBA but now he's back on the wagon.
He took "birdman" instead of "bird-dragon man" because it's easier to say,
he was hatched from an egg 477 years ago to this day.
That might seem just a tad bit old for ya,
but that's the truth, and he hatched in eastern Mongolia.
He plays basketball at a mile high pace,
and last week he smashed a basketball into Rudy Fernandez's face.
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