Time for another hoops video binge, maniacs. Hold on to your autographed Bill Walton 8x10 headshot*, cause it's about to get RAW.
* Joe has informed me that I am the only person on earth with an autographed Bill Walton headshot. My apologies. Dr. Jack's Experiment in Teamwork
Honestly, what's not to love here? Great footage. Great interviews. Great soundtrack. Great "oh man, we're going retro here!" attitude, even though the video itself looks to be about 15 years old judging by Bill's still fiery red locks. Bobby Gross, Lionel Hollins, Dave Twardzik, Johnny Davis, Maurice Lucas, Bill Walton, and Dr. Jack Ramsay. Man, I LOVE watching those guys kick the crap out of Doug Collins. Troof Come to the Light
Too...many.....great things...to....exalt. Must...resist..urge.....to pass out...from intense laughter......dang dang diggety dang da dang. Coca-Cola is NOT a sports drink
Honestly, who thought this would be a good idea? Even as a young man, sweating in that Sixers' jersey, Chaz was still the Round Mound of Rebound. And what's Scottie even doing in this commercial? Don't get me wrong, I like the guy. I think he's underrated. Great passer. Great defender. I would love to play with Scottie Pippen. But, um...was MJ busy that weekend or something? Gatorade clearly didn't insert a no-compete clause in his contract, so what's the deal with going with Robin instead of Batman?
Martell's 24-point quarter
Just in case we've forgotten what this guy can do, here's a little reminder. I was at this game, so I missed out on Mike Rice's classic "asbestos gloves" comment. I gotta tell you guys, it was one of the most impressive quarters of basketball I've ever seen. He was literally on fire. Three people died from the uncontrollable flames coming off his body. Feel better, Martell. We're gritting our teeth and biding our time 'till you come back, dude.
Well, that's all she wrote, maniacs. Now get out of here. You're embarrassing yourself.
Oh, wait! I almost forgot! Here are our honorary Kobestoppers of the week: - Dwyane Wade. I have finally forgiven Flash for the grievous misspelling of his first name, mostly because he dropped 35/6/3/3/2 on the visiting LA Kobe, besting the Mamba in every possible statistical category. D-Wade hit back-to-back baskets in the last 90 seconds and had a crucial block on Pau Gasol in the final minute to help Miami hold on for an 89-87 win. If my mama like it, I like it.
- The Orlando Magic starting lineup. If Portland is going to lose on an incredibly lucky last-second bank shot by TurkeyGlue, the least those bastards could do is beat the LA Kobe at home. And they obliged. The five starters for Orlando combined for a whopping 84 points and Dwight Howard added 12 rebounds. Sure, Mamba dropped 41 points, but that's not nearly as many as 52. And his team lost.
By the way, who else still has a warm, fuzzy feeling inside from Brandon's 52-point game?
Blazers! Suns! The Rose Garden! Snow! Shaq vs. Oden II! Whoooooohooooo!!
Pregame Thoughts:
- The Blazers need a win tonight. Granted, Tuesday’s win over the lowly Kings snapped our mini-slump, but a victory over a Western conference rival and playoff contender would be huge for our confidence
- The newest addition to the ever-rotating Phoenix Suns fantasy squad is Jason Richardson. In two games with J-Rich, the Suns are 2-0 and look to be back to their high-scoring ways of the past. I’m looking at you, Batum, lock him down.
- Gameplan: Bash Terry Porter over the head and spread some hallucinogenic salve onto his wound like Locke does to Boone in “Lost.” Then leave him in the locker room with a Blazers’ jersey and a pair of short shorts. A Roy-Porter backcourt? Yes, please.
- The announcers make a point to mention again and again that the Suns have won the last 11 in a row against Portland. Last win, March 2006? Ouch. Let’s reverse the trend.
Without further ado, let’s rumble!
First Quarter:
11:40 – Aldridge hits a jumper to open the game. Does he start strong or what?
10:30 – Interesting big man series from the tip. First, Greg swats Amar’e HARD as he tries to go to the basket. Unfortunately, Shaq gets the board and takes it strong to Oden, dunking on his head and the foul. Is this trouble? No, as next time down the floor Blake penetrates nicely and dishes to Oden for the big two-handed slam.
The Suns throw it right back into Shaq, but Greg provides nice pressure and forces the travel. On the other end, the Blazers run the SAME EXACT PLAY, forcing Shaq to switch and leaving Oden all alone for the easy flush.
9:52 – Following a Richardson three, Oden gets deep position and flips in a baby hook over the Diesel. Glimpses of the future, folks.
The best part of this exchange was after Greg scored: He turned around and pumped his fist and flashed a smile. I can’t get enough.
7:33 – Great ball movement by Phoenix leads to an open Shaq under the basket. We’re doing a passable job at closing out on shooters thus far, but if they can spread the floor like that Shaquille will go off. This concerns me.
Also, Oden has picked up two quick fouls, as he seems to do against Shaq. Man, I hope he doesn’t get another, we won’t have a center…oh wait, I see a gigantic Vanilla Gorilla on the bench. Does he get to play?
6:25 – Roy drains a dirty 20-footer to cut it to 16-13, Suns.
Sidenote: WOW, the crowd is loud tonight. A couple questionable fouls early has the fans completely engaged. Punish those refs.
5:55 – Aldridge gets his hands up again and forces a turnover. I love this new side to his game. That’s two consecutive games with a steal, he’s going for the record!
4:18 – Brandon and Przybilla run the pick and roll beautifully, confuse the defenders, and Roy throws a sweet chest pass to Pryz under the basket for a slam.
Sidenote: Kevin Nealon is hosting “The Funniest Commercials of the Year” next week. Two things: 1) Why do they keep making these? They are God-awful. Who thinks to themselves: “Oh boy, let’s watch a show of commercials with commercial breaks mixed in!” I guess you could just record it and then fast-forward through the whole thing… 2) Is Kevin Nealon really so desperate? Does he know that prostitution is an option? It would probably be less demeaning.
3:08 – Aldridge comes flying in like a madman from the three point line to slam one down off the miss by Outlaw. LaMarcus is becoming a serious energy/hustle player to go with his sweet stroke. We need that tenacity and toughness.
2:35 – Amar’e does his best…Amar’e impression with a nasty throwdown over Joel. No one is stopping that.
0:47 – LMA drops in a hook and then nails a 15-foot jumper. He has 10 first quarter points to Amar’e’s 2.
0:09 – Roy isolates at the top of the key, switches to the left hand and hits the lay up, with the foul!! Then he hits the free throw. Then he delivers food to hungry children. Then he nurses a baby bird back to health. Then he throws the One Ring into the fires of Mt. Doom. Yes, he’s that good.
Second Quarter:
- At the end of the first, the Blazers lead 31-28. Both teams are shooting well and not playing much defense, but I guess that is to be expected.
10:26 – It appears Channing Frye has shrunk 3 inches and gained 40 pounds since Tuesday…wait, no, that’s Ike Diogu! Mike Fratello says that Nate told him before the game that Diogu was going to get minutes over Frye. I give this decision 4.5 Fryes with Frye sauce.
Anyway, Ike makes an instant impact by pretending like he’s capable of dunking from the free throw line. Nice play though, drawing the foul.
9:55 – A lazy Rudy pass gets picked off by Barbosa and he easily finishes in transition. To Rudy: Calm down, have a Marlboro Red, get in your groove.
9:00 – After Rudy dives to save a ball, Diogu misses a lay up under the basket. The Ike-man giveth, the Ike-man taketh away.
Sidenote: TNT has Aldridge “Mic’ed Up” for the first quarter. One of the clips shows LMA closing out on a Nash three pointer and yelling “AAARGH!!” as Nash shoots the ball. Do NBA players really do this? I mean, I do, but I need every advantage I can get.
7:20 – Rudy sneaks around for a nice steal, but can’t connect with Roy on the alley-oop attempt. I like it, just because it would have been so incredibly cool if it had worked.
6:25 – Matt Barnes comes in and hits back-to-back threes with Ike Diogu running full speed at him. He should try yelling “AAARGH!!” The Suns are suddenly up 10 and lighting up from behind the arc. Our second unit needs to step up and match the Suns’ intensity or else this lead is going to swell even more before halftime.
5:33 – Brandon cans a jumper from 19 feet. He’s quietly got 15 first half points. In the last week, he’s truly been asserting himself as the scorer we know he can be. I don’t know if it’s his confidence or struggling bench play or a pair of magic shoes he was given by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, but I like it.
4:39 – Angry Greg with a gigantic block on Barbosa, but then a dumb foul on Barnes when he drives to the hoop. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry…
3:08 – Blake hits a three, capping off his run of 10 straight Blazer points. He is so dangerous when he’s feeling it.
1:05 – Great ball movement around leads to a wide open Rudy three pointer. He’s been quiet, but if you’re like me you think that every time he shoots a three it’s going in.
0:06 – Brandon isolates and gets to the line again. He can seriously do this at will. He hits both and now has 21 for the quarter! Holy crap, why are the announcers not noticing this? It’s all about the Shaqtus, I suppose.
0:02 – Speaking of the Shaqtus, the Blazers play terrible transition D on the inbounds play and Shaq gets an easy lay up and the foul. Why even pressure the ball in this situation? Argh.
Halftime: 66-59 Suns lead.
- Charles Barkley refuses to acknowledge the Christmas music and theme of the show, saying only “Christmas is next week.” He’s got my vote for governor of Alabama, right there.
- The Blazers are getting beat in almost every statistical category, including field goal percentage, rebounds, assists, fast break points, three pointers, number of tattoos, and number of aging superstars. Category we aren’t losing in? Number of extinct creatures, beasts, and extraterrestrials. Frankly, we’re pretty lucky to be down only 7.
Third Quarter:
11:25 – There’s a battle brewing between LaMarcus and Amar’e. Stoudemire nails a long two and Aldridge answers with a back-to-the-basket baby hook. Score update: random capitalizations: 1, random apostrophes: 1.
9:55 – There’s those active hands of LMA again, which leads to a sweet hook deep in the post.
8:10 – Blake hits another three, he’s got 17 for the game! He’s out-Nashing Nash right now, and I love it.
6:50 – Jason Richardson hits another three pointer, putting the Suns up by 9. We are right in this, but with the game at this speed it takes only a few bad breaks to blow this game open. We’re treading water right now.
Sidenote: I’m usually not one to pick on officials, but this game has been very poorly officiated thus far. Oden just got called for a supposed “push” on Shaq. This must be similar to the “boost” that Sarah Palin gave the McCain campaign. Boos rain down on the court: Blazer fans rock.
5:03 – Roy drains a three to keep us alive, 85-77. Still, the announcers fail to take note of the fact that he has 28 points. Through two and a half quarters. Keep ‘em coming. 3:29 – Roy scores on a driving lay up, and the foul on Nash. The man just scored 15 straight Blazer points. He now has 36 points. Hey Nash, TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES!
2:23 – Travis drives to the hoop and flips it in beautifully with the right hand. I get a big smile on my face every time he takes it to the hoop. Travis: You are freakishly athletic. Your body was meant to drive to the cup. DO IT MORE.
Sidenote: The Hyundai commercial voice-over says “Ah, if only the holidays could last a little longer.” Yeah, then we could listen to holiday music longer, have to deal with holiday commercials longer, and waste that much more time and money on gifts that we don’t know if people want! Great!
0:00 – Great energy from Trout off the bench. He hit three jumpers and he just tipped in a score off a (rare) Brandon miss at the buzzer.
Fourth Quarter:
Disclaimer: I was trying and struggling to take notes in the second half, but by the fourth quarter I mostly ended up either jumping around like an idiot in celebration or punching my couch in frustration so hard I got rug burn on my hand. My apologies in advance.
11:30 – The Rose Garden crowd just registered for its zebra hunting license. Rudy just intentionally fouled Amar’e in the key, after which he took two steps and laid the ball in. The refs called continuation, giving Stoudemire the bucket and the foul. Ridiculous.
10:05 – Blake gets a steal and kicks it up court to Roy, who gets fouled going to the hole. Two free throws later he’s got 40 points, a new career-high, and MVP chants raining down from the stands.
7:30 – Barnes hits a three to tie it at 106. We are witnessing an incredibly competitive game, folks.
5:18 – Oh. My. God. Brandon rocks Barnes to sleep at the top of the arc and buries a three in his eye. Matt Barnes shakes hands with Roy, takes off his jersey, unlaces his shoes, and walks into the locker room.
OK, not really, but he might as well have. 43 points for Brandon.
4:42 – Roy misses, but BIG GREG IS THERE! The offensive rebound is swung out, comes to Travis who takes it to the hole for the chance for a three point play. We are simply out-hustling the Suns right now.
3:32 – 45 points. Gadzooks!
3:12 – 47 points.
2:57 – Barnes hits a huge three to put the Suns back on top by 1. I have an idea: let’s not leave him wide open in the corner. Got a job for me, KP?
1:00 – 50 points.
0:09 – FIFTY. TWO. POINTS.
0:05 – Reggie Miller tells us “If you can get a turnover, you can get the ball back.” I don’t know about that, but he used to play so I will trust him.
0:00 – FIFTY. TWO. POINTS.
Post-Game Observations:
- Brandon Roy was simply unstoppable tonight. The Suns tried Barnes, Richardson, Barbosa, it didn’t matter. I’ve been watching the Blazers for pretty much my entire life. I have never seen an individual performance like the one we witnessed in this game. I am in awe. I always knew Brandon was going to be a great player in this league, but I didn’t realize until tonight what he is truly capable of. Woweee, wow, wow, wow.
- Brandon’s game aside, a few key Trail Blazers had huge games which made all the difference for us tonight: Greg Oden (in limited minutes) had two game-changing offensive rebounds in the fourth quarter. Travis Outlaw also had some key rebounds, but more importantly had 14 points, 12 of them in a 5 minutes span. Aldridge played gutsy defense and made some big buckets, none more important than an 18-foot bank shot with the shot clock running out late in the 4th. Steve Blake had 22 points and 10 assists on 8-15 shooting. You guys rock.
- FIFTY. TWO. POINTS.
- Small issue: We need to work on our inbounds plays late in games. This is the second time recently when, late in the game, we failed to get the ball inbounds and had to call a timeout. It worked out this time, but against the Magic, not so much.
Settle in, maniacs, because I’ve got a whole mess of pre-game thoughts:
- A few days ago, I made mention of a certain Rebecca Haarlow related Google search that directed a presumably very frisky (and subsequently, very disappointed) Internet HyperWarrior to this website. In that vain, I’d like to reveal a couple other excellent (though not quite as exciting) search engine result that gave me cause to stand up and shout, “Excelsior!” Check them out here and here.
- This hot cocoa I’m drinking is delicious.
- Spencer Hawes is the goofiest dude in the history of goofy dudes. In the Kings’ circle-mosh-dance-thing, Big Spence was not only moving against the grain, but he was also flailing his legs in what appeared to be some sort of bizarre, dorky mating ritual. We need to get Big Country Reeves up in this bitch and have ourselves a World Championship Goof-Off.
- When I die and go to hell, I can only imagine that the Dark Prince will greet me with an electric harmonica, playing that contemptible Blazers theme for all of eternity.
- Mike Rice explains that a “miracle shot” can happen at home as easily as it can happen on the road. For the last time, Baron’s shot was not a “miracle.” He got a clean look. He’s a good player. We should have fouled him off the dribble while he was 27 feet from the basket.
- Regarding the whole Whopper Virgins thing: did anyone actually think that those Vietnamese people were going to choose the Big Mac? I mean, I really didn’t think that they were going to follow through with it and actually give us the “results” of the “survey.” For God’s sake, did Pepsi lose the freaking Pepsi Challenge? Was this supposed to be suspenseful? That had about as much uncertainty to it as the Tyson/Spinks execution. Honestly, how stupid are we?
- Turns out they finally created a special school for children with small brains. God bless you, Sylvan Learning Center. Never mind about that rhetorical “stupid” question, I guess.
- Hmmm. It seems that while I was ranting about small-brained children, I’ve missed Mike Rice’s keys to the game. Oops.
- Brandon’s playing with a splint on that right pinky finger. You know who else played with finger splints? Bernard King. And we all remember how that worked out. But just in case we don’t: check this out. And heyyyyy…is that a perm on Hubie Brown?
- Finally, I’m just going to put this out there: If Beno Udrih has more than 12 points tonight, I’m slapping some faces. Steve, Serge, I’m looking at you guys. Is that what you want? Hmm? Twelve. Points.
Okay, enough fooling around. Let’s fire this bad boy up.
First Quarter
7:11 PM – Udrih steals the ball; Salmons hits a three. Hawes blocks a shot; Salmons buries a 17-footer. Off to a good start.
7:14 – LaMarcus has started three-for-three and Salmons is four-for-four. Let's go Nic. Lock him down.
7:17 – All right. Let’s clear something up, here. Alonzo. Buddy. You are NOT the next Tiger, regardless of your Gatorade G2 consumption habits.
7:18 - If my momma like it, I like it.
7:20 – Two quick fouls on Big Brad result in free throws for Old Greg and our first glimpse at the incomparable Mikki Moore. For the love of God, man. Just spell it like a normal dude.
7:22 – Nicolas jams home a miss in the lane like he’s from some country that isn’t France. J’aime, Nicky. J’aime beaucoup.
7:24 – Salmons is now five-for-five with 16 points.
7:25 – Actual exchange at the broadcast table:
Rice: See, Sacramento uses a play called the Zipper… Barrett: It’s called the Zipper?? Rice: Yes, they just ZIP their big guys right down the middle. Barrett: ….
Mike Rice, ladies and gentlemen! 20-18, Blazers.
7:28 – Where Darius Miles landing another job happens.
7:29 – Oh boy! Time for another Aflac Shot in the Dark! Let’s see here…who was the…wait a minute. That doesn’t even make any sense. That’s not even a question, is it? Wait, what did that mean?! What were they even asking? Forget about the answer, I can’t even repeat that question.
7:30 – Hey, Buck and Jerome! Can’t wait till halftime.
7:32 – LMA is fouled on the block and sinks both shots from the line. He’s really being aggressive here in the early going. I love it.
7:34 – Rudy snags a steal and dumps it to Przybilla for the throwdown in traffic. Looks like somebody just got Monster-ized.
7:35 – The Kings go on a 7-0 run to end the quarter, making it 28-27, Blazers.
Second Quarter
7:40 – TP in the booth! Wow. What can you say about a guy like Terry Porter? Honestly, what I remember most about him had nothing to do with his physical gifts (though they were many) as a ballplayer. Granted, I was just a little kid when I watched him play, but I had a special attachment to Terry. I remember what a great floor general he was, always calling plays and barking out assignments. I remember him flying up and down the court like the Roadrunner. Everybody today who’s in shape has a “great motor.” Well, Terry was the original motor. I remember his heart, his desire, his sheer will to win. I never forgot my attachment to those teams of the early ’90s, and they’re a big part of why I’m still a basketball fan today. I guess the bottom line is this: I’m truly thankful that Terry Porter will always be remembered as a Portland Trail Blazer. Remember seeing him in other jerseys? It just felt…wrong. Number 30 belongs up in the rafters of the Rose Garden – nowhere else. Terry Porter: great player to watch, great player to imitate on the playground. Thank you, Terry.
7:41 – Salmons is eight-for-nine with 19 points. Um, could we get a body on that guy, please? Thanks.
7:43 – Funktacular turnaround J off the glass from the elbow by Rudy (Rudy, Rudy). 31-30, Kings.
7:48 – Pryz blocks a shot and outlets to Roy. Brandon hits Rudy in stride with a three-quarter-court pass for a spectacular and-one finish at the rim. Swish goes the free one.
7:52 – I swear as long as I live that I will never get tired of watching Brandon drive that dagger into the heart of those Houston Rockets. YES HE DID!!!!!! YES HE DIIIIIDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!
7:54 – We come back from that Rise With Us commercial to find the Blazers dancers already mid…um…hoochie cooch. And hey! Do my ears deceive me, or is that none other than Bust A Bucket? What’s disturbing is that there’s a group of dudes who are actually more excited about this than me.
7:56 – Bobby Jackson has just been ejected. Oh no! Now what will the Kings do? Hey, I’ve got an idea. How about you send a page outside the Rose Garden and see if you can find another 78-year old man to back up the point? Sorry, Bobby. Nothing personal.
7:58 – Brandon is fouled and the jumper counts. Beautiful body control. Brandon’s already got 15, and it seems as if he’s taking over yet another game. Man, that guy is like the plague. But, you know, in a good way.
7: 59 – I just now noticed that John Salmons has a twin stalactite goatee. Perhaps this is the source of his power...
8:03 – Brandon hits a runner in transition. He has 19, and it’s 50-40, good guys.
8:09 – Mike Rice claims that Spencer Hawes is neither a “great leaper” nor a “quick leaper.” The stuffed marmoset hanging from the Hawes’ game room begs to differ, Coach Rice.
8:11 – After hitting a tough double-clutcher from 17, Stevesie shuts down Udrih and chucks the ball the entire length of the floor for the last shot of the half. The good news: that full-court heave drilled some poor photographer in the ear. The better news: Mike Barrett can’t stop laughing about it. 54-42, Blazers.
Halftime
- Brandon has 19 points, and the team has seven steals. I like this.
- Salmons has 21 points, and Big Country Reeves is apparently “unreachable by telephone.” Goodbye Goof-Off World Championship. This makes me sad.
- “Talkin’ Ball” – is there anything I’d rather watch less? Maybe “Gilmore Girls,” but it’s definitely a photo finish.
- Udrih is scoreless thus far, so your faces are safe for now, Blazer guards. For now…
- Regarding the Terry Porter ceremony, I have a few points to make:
1) I did not, repeat, did NOT cry when Terry’s crispy new banner ascended to the heavens. 2) Geoff Petrie – age has not been kind to you, my friend. 3) Hey Schonz! I was wondering, is there any way we could work something out so that you could be my honorary grandpa?
Third Quarter
8:41 – Roy gets to the rack easily and finishes with his left. He does the exact same thing next time down the floor, making it 58-42. Kenny Natt awakens from his day dream about Red Lobster and remembers that he’s allowed to call timeouts.
8:43 – Oh. My. God. He’s. Old. Greg. Did you guys see that???? That pick and roll with Greg actually WORKED for once! Greg was so high up in the air, I thought he was a good-natured bird of prey. God almighty.
8:44 – Stevesie gets called for a BS clear path foul. The NBA: Where 90 percent accurate officiating happens. Garcia misses the tainted free throw. Ball don’t lie.
8:47 – Greg loses the handle, gets it back, muscles inside, and dunks with two hands. More, please.
8:54 – Hey, guess what? Brandon has 27…with five minutes left to go in the THIRD QUARTER.
8:59 – It’s all tied up with three minutes to go in the third. Nah, I’m just kidding. We’re kicking ass, 75-53. After a little taste of what I would refer to lovingly as “rat ball,” Brandon hits Blake for a little 23-skidoo lay-up.
9:01 – Buck Williams makes his second “Terry shot the ball a lot” joke of the evening. Put another one up for the B-MAN!
9:07 – Some stuff has happened over the last six minutes, but I missed it because I was in a small coma caused by what a baller Brandon is. Anyway, it’s 81-60 at the end of three.
Fourth Quarter
9:10 – Trav hits a three to open the quarter. Good man, Travis. Hey, I know a guy who gives free butt massages if you’re still hurting. Give me a ring.
9:12 – Who else REALLY enjoyed that “McDonalds Apple Dippers” conversation between the two Mikes just now?
9:14 – Pryz sterilizes John Salmons with one of the top five blocks I’ve ever witnessed. Sergio follows up by lobbing to LMA in transition for a crowd-exploding slammajamma. Excuse me for a moment while I try to comprehend what my eyes just beheld. Wow. I’m calling it. It’s official. Time of death: 9:14 pm.
9:15 – The answer to the Aflac “Guess a Random Name” competition was Rebecca Haarlow. Or, uh…Rebecca Haarlow’s dad. Or something. Damn that insurance-hocking duck. Damn him.
9:18 – B-Rex sighting. RAaarghhhh!!!
9:19 onward – Since the Jell-O’s already jigglin’ here, I think I’ll just give you guys a bullet list of what happened during the last eight minutes of game time:
- Rudy three - Pryz slam - CHALUPAS - betting on who the “chalupa man” might be - Bayless jumping really high - possible Kobe stopping in progress - Fully Loaded Nachos (and subsequent nausea) - Sheldon Williams’ dog face - KP’s goatee - Bayless jumping really high again - Mike Barrett making at least two Bobby Brown jokes. Hilarious. Post-Game Thoughts:
I’m extremely disappointed we didn’t get to see Brandon play in the fourth quarter. Maybe that’s me being that spoiled little brat who wants to open his presents on Christmas Eve, but dang, man. I wanted him to go for a season high and break the consecutive free-throw record. Of course, if he had gotten hurt in that fourth quarter, I probably would have felt compelled to give out my home address and set up bins labeled “Free Rocks” outside my apartment.
That was a much needed win, and I’m glad we got it. No more tired legs. Now go get ready for the Shaqtus.
Greetings, friends. Time to introduce (yet another phenomenal) segment into the Kobestoppers' lexicon of crap. It goes a little something like this: Little Stoppers have Kobe-related problems. Head Stoppers teach them how to take a VACATION from those problems. Then we post the call transcript for everyone's reading pleasure.
12/14/08 8:42 PM, PST
Kobestopper Joe: Kobestoppers, this is Joe. How may I direct your call?
Caller: Yeah, hi. I’m…uh…interested in stopping Kobe…
Kobestopper Joe: Well, you’ve certainly come to the right place. We offer many Kobe-stopping services.
Caller: Well, my problem is kind of....embarrassing.
Kobestopper Joe: This is a confidential line, sir.
Caller: OK. Well, you know how some people are afraid of toilet snakes? Well, I'm one of those people. Except…except my phobia is especially severe. (whispering) Every time I sit down to use the toilet, I…I can't. I just start crying and have to leave my house. I'm petrified that the Mamba will get me. This fear has turned both my personal and my professional life into a living hell. (sobbing) Please, please help me.
Kobestopper Joe: Well...unfortunately, he probably will.
Caller: What???
Kobestopper Joe: Kobe. He'll get you. The fact is, the Mamba is everywhere, and he strikes with 99 percent accuracy and precision at maximum speed. So, you’re pretty much f*@%ed.
Caller: Oh my God. This is terrible. I thought you were here to help people! I'm even more afraid of Kobe Bryant now than when I called you people up!!
Kobestopper Joe: Here's what you can do. Go to kobestoppers.blogspot.com. Read every article. Your problems will be solved. Now if you have no more questions, sir, I’m going to go poop.
Caller: You son of a bitch.
That's it for this week's installment. Now, go get ready for a big home win against "Big" Brad Miller and his retarded half-mutant clone, "Much Younger And Nearly As Large" Brad Miller.
In the wake of three tough Portland losses, what betta way to clear the air and start a fresh week than with another installment of the Kobestoppers' Who Betta? segment. Here goes.
Who betta than Kobe? Why it's Greg "The Oyster" Ostertag!
A quick youtube search of Greg Ostertag finds a plethora of highlights and mix tapes. For instance, check out this classic display of athleticism:
Have you ever seen Kobe Bryant do ANYTHING resembling this? I thought not.
How about this one:
Sure, Kobe finishes on the (lucky) reverse two-handed jam, but did you see the FEAR in his eyes as Ostertag converged on him near the hoop? Kobe wasn't trying to score; he was trying to get rid of the ball so he could run as far away from The Oyster as possible. Smart move, Mamba, smart move.
What's that? Kobe jumped over a car? Sure, that seems impressive, until you've seen THIS:
That's right, look at Ostertag, with the beautiful backhanded flip. Notice how he lets the ball bounce twice on his side: VETERAN MOVE. You can't teach that.
The final tally:
Kobe: 12 years pro, 1 MVP, 3 Championships, Women banged: at least 2. Ostertag: 11 years pro, 2 teams, 1 haircut, Women banged: likely 0.
Fortunately for you guys, I don’t have a lot of pre-game observations. But I do have a few. Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.
1) No Trout tonight. Bruised tailbone for Travis means two things: First, Nicolas and Sergio should definitely get more minutes. Hell, we might even see some B-Rex out there tonight. Oh, and Channing Frye is apparently on the team as well. Second, we will have to defeat the Clippers tonight playing with a roster that is 100% human. Tall order? Yes. But doable? Absolutely.
2) I figure now is as good a time as any to let this gem out of my knapsack. We monitor this site using Sitemeter. It’s a good program that allows us to view not only how many hits we’re getting, but also how people are arriving to our site. Most visitors come to us by relatively normal means, i.e. a shameless plug on BlazersEdge or a Facebook note. One fateful day last week, however, I was blessed to discover that one visitor found his or her way to the site via a Google search for “Rebecca Harlow Nudes.” I’m not sure exactly why Google felt that this would be the place that he was looking for, but…you know, sometimes awesome stuff just happens for no reason. So thank you, random Rebecca Harlow creeper, for visiting our site and brightening our day with your hilarious Google search.
And now, to the BasketGame! First Quarter
7:11 PM, PST – LMA gets it going early with a fade away over Camby. He’s already shooting the ball better than he did last night. 2-0, Blaze. 7:12 – Zach Randolph was booed in the pre-game, and he’s being booed as he gets his first touch. Please, oh please, let this continue through the entire game.
7:13 – Wow. How old is Dick Bavetta, again? Every day he’s looking more like the Cryptkeeper.
7:14 – Z-Bo is 0-3 to start the game. He just looks off tonight. Guess that’s what happens when you hit that ChronChron before tip-off, huh?
That one was for the time you skipped practice to go to a strip club, you lazy bastard.
7:16 – Stevesie dishes to Brandon for an easy two.
Observations: 1) Greg is getting DEEP position on Z-Bo. Let’s exploit this, shall we? 2) Save for Marcus Camby, the Clips are awful defensively. Again, let’s make ‘em pay.
7:20 – Uh oh. Here comes the PryzbillaMonster. I think Eric Gordon just soiled himself.
7:24 – Mike Barrett informs us that, “Zach has shed his head band.” In other words: LOOK. THE F#*$. OUT.
7:25 – Pryz swats a Baron Davis floater directly to Rudy, who then proceeds to fire a rocketlaser chest pass to Brandon for the transition dunk. That may have been my favorite play of the season so far. Beautiful teamwork.
7:27 – We run a pick and roll at the top of the circle, and Brandon dumps it to the Gorilla for an easy two. Dunleavy wants time. Boy, he looks mad. I think he may have just lost his last hair.
7:29 – All right! Time for tonight’s Aflack Random Guess! What is the record for Blazer shot attempts in a game? What an awesome question. How about….um…122? HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY KNOW THIS??? By the way, Brandon has 11 points thus far.
7:30 – Pick and roll + Give and go + Feral gorilla strength = Three points the old-fashioned way.
7:32 – Beranosaurus Rex sighting. Shhhhhhh!!! Just be still. If you don’t move, he can’t see you.
7:33 – Channing hits the floor for the first time tonight. Well, he seems to be moving well. Let’s just hope that never mind we just turned the effing ball over.
7:36 – Back-to-back threes from Bayless and Rudy. God, they left Rudy WIDE freaking open, too. Yeah, don’t worry about it, Zach. That’s not what they pay you for anyway, right? What’s that? Sorry, man, I can’t hear you. Could you stop firing your illegal firearm for a second? There we go. Much better.
That one was for the time you got busted for street racing while smoking pot with loaded guns in your vehicle. I hate you, Zach.
7:38 – It me, or has that “Feliz Navidad” Corona commercial been running for 20 years? God, what is wrong with you people? Get a new act. There’s only so many times a man can look at a damn palm tree covered in Christmas lights, you know?
Second Quarter
7:42 – Paul Davis does his best Frank Brickowski impression and throws LaMarcus to the floor while going after a rebound. Ok, first of all, if Channing’s foul last night was a flagrant, then this is a flagrant. Personally, I don’t think either one was a flagrant, but at least try to show a shred of consistency. For God’s sake, you’re supposed to be the best refs in the world. All I know is this: if Sabas were still around, this type of thing would not be permitted. Case in point:
7:44 – Mike Rice explains that we don’t want LaMarcus to be “bumping and grinding” with Zach down low. See, I thought he’d been a little quiet so far. Way to make up for lost time, Mike. Get that man another scotch. 34-32, Clipshow.
7:47 – Dunleavy is whistled for a technical foul, and my main man Rudy is headin’ to the line. Hey, you guys think that Rudy is actually, like, a super sweet Spanish robot?
…wait, what?! Did Rudy just miss his second foul shot in as many games? What the heck is going on around here?
Mike Rice: “Ahhhhh…see…see, that was a freebie, right there.”
Right. I agree, because…you know, it’s a FREE THROW. Only you, Mike. Only you.
7:50 – LMA swats Z-Bo and the Spaniards turn it into points with a colossal transition alley-oop. Cosas Buenas!
7:55 – Greg is called for goaltending and busts out an epic frowny face. Not good.
7:58 – LaMarcus is on fire, 44-44.
8:04 – Rice: “This game will be won in the fourth quarter.” How many times has he said that? Now that I think about it, all this is beginning to make more sense. Maybe it’s not booze, you know? Maybe it’s just a case of good old-fashioned senility. Mull that one over and get back to me. At halftime it’s 57-54, Clippers.
I gotta tell you, guys. I’m worried about Greg, and it has nothing to do with his on-court performance. He looks bummed out. Severely. Can you even remember the last time you saw him bust out that goofy grin while he was playing? The dude looks like he hates being on the floor. He looks like he’s getting really frustrated that he’s not going for 25 and 15 every night. It seems like every little mistake he makes, he’s hanging his head and apologizing with his eyes. Maybe I’m wrong. Actually, I hope I’m wrong. But I think we should keep an eye on this, just to be sure.
By the way, I forgot to mention the Clips blue uniforms. Man, how stupid do you…ok, fine. They’re cool. They’re really, really cool. There, I said it. Let’s just move on.
Brian Skinner’s bleach blond goatee is making me laugh and cry at the same time. The beautiful insanity is too much for my feeble mind to comprehend. Third Quarter
8:23 – Nic hits a three to open the half, and we’re now tied at 47.
8:25 – The good news: Mike Barrett just referred to Brian Skinner’s goatee as an “interesting beard.” The bad news: Skinner’s sitting down. Or, wait…actually, that’s more good news.
8:29 – Greg scores his tenth point on a nice jump hook from six feet. I demand to see more of this. Z-Bo is woefully overmatched against Greg in the post. If we’re all lucky, Greg will “accidentally” fracture Zach’s orbital socket on a Shaq-circa-2001 drop step on his way to a two-fisted slam.
That one was for that time when you paid two women $500 to perform a private sex show for you, then reneged on your payment and were eventually accused of raping one of the women in your hotel room. If that’s not Blazer basketball, I don’t know what is.
8:34 – I’M OLD GREG!!!
8:35 – After a solid stint on the floor, Greg checks out to thunderous applause, and OH MY GOD HE CRACKED A HALF SMILE!!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!
8:36 – No sooner than Greg has left the game, the Monster throws one down like he’s got something to prove. I love these guys. They’re like the Bash Brothers from the Mighty Ducks movies. Now, if only there were a way we could coordinate them so that they each ran along the sideline and slapped every player on the opposing bench in the head with a hockey stick without receiving a lifetime ban from the league. Hmmm…well, let’s brainstorm, anyway. I’ll send a feeler email out to the commish.
8:41 – Rudy miraculously saves the ball from going out of bounds, and Brandon ends up with it. He drives right, spins back left, elevates, draws the foul, AND IT COUNTS!!!!!!! Are you kidding me? This guy is from another universe. Go ahead and carve out his spot in OH NO BRANDON’S HURT AGAIN!!!!!! WHAT IS IT THIS TIME??? BLOODY MURDER!!!!! BLOODY MURDER!!!!! GOOD GOD, HE’S CLUTCHIN HIS WRIST. THAT’S NOT GOOD. THAT. IS. NOT. GOOD. DEAR GOD, I’D DO ANYTHING…ANYTHING TO okay never mind he’s fine. Sorry…I, uh, tend to overreact a little bit when stuff like that happens.
8:44 – Brandon crosses over and hits the paint. He leaps about as high as MJ did at the end of “Space Jam,” and is met by similar resistance in the form of Paul Davis. See, now there’s a guy who could definitely be a Monstar. Brandon hits both free throws, and it’s 83-77, Blazers to end the quarter. Fourth Quarter Sidenote: I just noticed how much Eric Gordon looks like Ernie from Sesame Street. That is one round-headed dude.
8:51 – Uh oh. The Clips are pressuring us on the perimeter. We haven’t exactly dealt with this well in the past. Also, Brandon’s in the locker room getting his pinky finger looked at. I am literally quivering with fear right now.
8:53 – OK, the answer to the Afflack Random Stab is….What the hell?! Zach Randolph with 40 shot attempts?! That question was SO misleading. There’s no way we could know it was for individual rather than team shot attempts. Terrible, terrible question, Afflack. By the way, Zach Randolph has a lot of points right now, and it’s making me want to choke something.
8:59 – Brandon is back on the floor, thank God, though he’s playing with only nine fingers. No, he didn’t pull a Ronnie Lott. He just taped two of them together. Anyway, with ONLY NINE FINGERS, Brandon hits a sweet fade-away from 10 to make it 89-86, Blaze.
9:01 – Baron Davis’ beard hits an impossible three pointer. Get that man a shave. He looks like Kimbo Slice’s mini-me.
9:03 – After an exchange that was so riddled with turnovers that the best descriptor I can use to describe it is “high school girls basketball,” Zach is finally fouled and heads to the line. He sinks both, making it 92-91, Clips, with three minutes to go. Uh, guys? What happened to that lead?
9:14 – Brandon hits two free throws, and we’re back up by two.
9:15 – There’s a scramble for the ball, and LMA knocks it out of bounds. In an unprecedented move, the refs actually give us a break and the possession arrow. Mike Dunleavy is so incredibly pissed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a redder, greasier, puffier face in my entire life.
9:16 – Brandon’s up-and-under makes it 96-92, Blaze with 28 seconds to go. Boy, it was touch and go there for a while, but we turned it on when it mattered.
9:17 – Al Thornton makes the toughest shot he’s ever taken to cut the lead to two again. Crap. Nate calls timeout.
9:18 – LA fouls Blake before the ball is even inbounded! I think I can actually see some actual steam coming out of Dunleavy’s ears. How stupid to do you have to be to put Stevesie on the line and oh crap he missed.
9:19 – This time, those crafty Clippers allow us to inbound but immediately foul Blake again. No worries, that last one was just a little hiccup.
9:20 – I glance up at my ceiling and notice a flock of pigs flying around my living room. Whatever, we’re still up two.
9:22 – Baron penetrates and looks to kick out, but it’s STOLEN BY BLAKE!!!!!! WOOOOO!!! They foul, and he’s going to the line yet again. First one goes down smooth. Second one goes down sm…OH WHAT THE HELL, STEVE?????? Three point game with eight ticks left on the clock.
And now, a brief discussion of basketball strategy by Mike “Roundball” Whitman:
All right, there’s eight seconds left, and they’re inbounding at half court. We’re in the penalty, so the smart move here is to foul for possession, even if we are shooting like crap from the line. There’s only eight seconds left. We’re up three points. If we learned anything at all from the Orlando game, we will foul in this situation and put somebody on the line. No, I’m not worried about somebody chucking up a three as we foul them. Just foul hard and fast while somebody’s going away from the basket, and we’re home.
9:30 – Okay, here we go. They inbound to Baron. Rudy’s on him. Dribbling, dribbling, dribbling, dribbling, FOUL FOUL FOUL FOUL FOUL FOUL NO GOD NO DON’T LET HIM…
F*#$ my life. Overtime
You know what? I could go through and do a play-by-play of the OT, but you all watched it. You know what happened, and frankly, I’m too disgusted to go on.
I have no post-game reactions. I’m sure we’ll post those later after I’ve spent a few days in an insane asylum to “rest up,” as Joe calls it.
One final note: After that three Baron hit, Comcast cut to a shot of Paul Allen sitting in his seat, staring up in the rafters with this CREEPY smile on his face. He may require medical assistance. Dude looked like that Air Force general after he got the life squeezed out of him by Xenia in “Goldeneye.”
Well, take it easy, maniacs. And win, lose, draw, or HEARTBREAKING 3 GAME SKID, go Blazers.
Alright! It’s 7:30, time to kick back, crack a brew, and turn on the game…hmm. I see that the Celtics-Wizards nail biter is still on, 104-77. I guess I’ll go amuse myself for a few minutes.
Ok, here we go baby, it’s 7:40, GAMETIME! Oh, good, it’s Celtics-Wizards! How very exciting. The Celtics have narrowly increased the margin, it’s 113-84. This could go down to the wire. I’ll check back in a few.
It MUST be gametime now, it’s 7:50. Oh boy! I get to watch the last minute of the Celtics-Wizards game!!! What an exciting finish, this is so much better than watching the beginning of a game between two good teams. I hope they do post-game analysis.
First Quarter:
9:00 – Interesting, it appears that NBA games now start with only nine minutes on the clock in the first quarter. Also, both teams are automatically awarded 4 points at the start of the game (just to make it fair). TNT: Where FAIL happens.
7:45 – LaMarcus scores twice easily, once on a running hook through the lane and again on a long jumper. Good ball movement to start.
6:10 – Terrible interior defense by Portland leads to a nice dish inside by Deron Williams and an easy Brewer slam.
6:00 – TNT has a good system where, by having no introduction and missing the beginning of the game, Doug Collins can watch the first part and attempt to make himself sound intelligent. Unfortunately for him, one of his Keys to the Game is “metronome,” so he blew that one already.
-I’m a little worried about Deron Williams. He hasn’t been himself lately coming off of his ankle injury, but he always seems to light it up against us. He already has four quick assists.
5:31 – Another Aldridge jumper off a Steve Blake assist. How about LaMarcus in the first quarter? What is he, the 5-hour Energy designated driver? He’s got ten first-quarter points but the Blazers trail, 14-16.
3:50 – We are simply getting embarrassed on the inside. This time it’s CJ Miles throwing it down off a Williams assist. God I hate the Jazz.
-Apparently Craig Sager just talked to the “Mormon Tabernacle Choir” about metronomes. I can’t imagine a more exciting conversation. Isn’t that the group that does “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor”? I love that song.
1:58 – Roy drains a three. He’s shaken off the effects of that tough loss well. What a champ.
1:20 – More new and improved Travis Outlaw! He elevated and looked poised to take another difficult shot, but thought better of it and passed, leading to an open Rudy three pointer. I am so proud.
Second Quarter:
11:12 – Kyle Korver hits a jumper. The announcers call him “the former Missouri Valley Conference player of the year.” Isn’t that kind of like being the used Kia dealership salesman of the month? I…I guess that’s…good.
10:36 – Channing Frye fouls Harpring hard on a fast break, and the refs call a flagrant foul. Really, a flagrant foul? Even a JAZZ fan wouldn’t call that a flagrant foul. Actually, they would. Did I mention I hate the Jazz?
9:33 – A 16-footer by Brevin Knight makes it 37-27 Jazz. The Blazers have yet to score this quarter.
8:45 – Sergio drives and drops in a floater. You know it’s bad when Sergio Bending Rodriguez is the only player getting into the paint. Give that man a beer and a cigar.
7:04 – Doug Collins calls Przybilla the best backup center in the league. As a wise man once said: “Even the blind squirrel finds a nut.”
6:58 – Sergio for three! It’s a 9-0 Portland run and we’re right back in it. He is now officially my third favorite Spaniard behind Rudy and Manuel Jalón Corominas, inventor of the mop (go ahead, look it up).
5:43 – Mehmet Okur spins on Aldridge and dunks. I mean, that was a good move, but you know you’re from Utah when your team’s most exciting play is an Okur “slam dunk.” It’s the basketball equivalent of the Family Circus cartoon “It’s Apparent You’re a Parent if…” They LOVE them some Family Circus in Salt Lake City.
Sidenote: This led to the following conversation between Mike and me: Mike: “Oh man! Jeffrey mispronounced spaghetti!!! Hahaha! PUHSKETTY!”
Me: “Look at the HILARIOUS route Billy took to get home from school!”
Mike: “That’s not the shortest way! BILLY!”
Me: “Why did he climb that tree? How unnecessary and inconvenient!”
Mike: “Kids.”
4:10 – Okur hits a wide open three off a high pick, then AK47 scores way too easily on a drive to make it 50-40. I consider driving my pen into my temple, but think better of it and reach for another beer. Could be a long night.
3:25 – Roy stuffs Deron Williams, leading to a nice Sergio lay up on the other end. Watch out, Manuel!
2:27 – Another easy dunk off the feed to an open Millsap under the basket. Paul Millsap. Funny, even Utah’s black players sound white.
1:57 - Gadzooks! Okur connects on yet ANOTHER open three, giving the Jazz a nine point lead. He has 21 first half points. It’s not fair; they have the spirit of Joseph Smith on their team. How do we compete with that? I know! Let’s wander into the desert and return with a golden book written by God about how to play transition defense!
Halftime:
-The Blazers played an extremely poor first half. We had no post presence on either end of the floor and shot just 4 of 15 from behind the arc. I fear Chuck’s wrath.
-He was surprisingly non-abrasive about how poorly the Blazers played. He did, however, mention that, for the Jazz, “injuries are the great unequalizer.” Too many potential jokes…brain overloading…
-Still, considering how poorly we’ve played, it won’t take more than a little defense, a few shots falling, and some strong rebounding to get Portland right back in the game. It’s Pryz time.
Third Quarter:
11:25 – Oden makes a nice strong move toward the hoop, making the baby hook and drawing the foul. I would be happier about this if his missed free throw didn’t result in an easy Jazz lay up in transition.
10:06 – Oden is fighting for the ball in the trenches. I love that pissed-off look on his face. I will call him Angry Greg. Can we keep him mom? Can we?
Sidenote: There’s been a lot of grumblings lately about Oden’s sullen mood and disappearance from the public eye. Some media members have noted Greg’s lack of fun as having a negative effect on the Blazers’ locker room. Maybe so, I don’t know, I don’t have that kind access to really see for sure. However, I was thinking that, if Oden’s emotions have such an impact on the Blazers, shouldn’t the opposite also be true?
I have no illusions; the kid has a long way to go. But when he gets his offensive game going and starts dunking on people’s heads, will his emotions swing to the other extreme? We want the joking, hand-slapping, barking Oden that we saw in the 2007 NCAA championship game. And I firmly believe we will see that. Hopefully it’s sooner rather than later.
8:00 – Two easy Ronnie Brewer lay ups. The screen shows us that the Jazz lead the fast break points battle 22-4. God. Deron Williams looks like his old self again. And by old, I mean balding. What is he, like 24? I smell a huge Rogaine advertising contract. How fitting. I hate the Jazz.
6:40 – Following a CJ Miles three, Roy drives, misses, and tips in his miss. Does he have to take over again? The difference between the last few games and the rest of the season is that Aldridge and Roy are forced to carry a much larger portion of the scoring. When nothing else is working, we go through our two best players. However, we don’t seem to WIN.
Sidenote: It’s official, Jerry Sloan is an Ent. Also he has the most wins of any coach with a single franchise by a huge margin. What’s that? No championships? As Treebeard says, “Brrharroom. There have been no Entings for a terrible long count of years.”
4:40 – Roy hits a long two to make it 70-59. He has scored our last eight points. Where did Aldridge go? What happened to feeding him against Okur? Argh.
2:51 – Brandon is back at the line. He is really taking over. In other news, Kirilenko is in. Is it just me or does he perpetually look like he just ate a blue Blow Pop?
1:22 – Wild circus shot by Roy. After getting his shot blocked from behind, he grabs the ball out of the air and tosses a left-handed shot up without hitting the ground. If we were playing 21, the Jazz would be back to zero.
0:05 – Guess who? Roy at the line again. He hits them both and now has Portland’s last 15 points. As great as he is, that is not a good sign. 78-66, Jazz lead.
Fourth Quarter:
11:10 – Two quick Portland turnovers to start the quarter. I was about to say that, as poorly as we’ve played, our defense has shored up and this is still a very winnable game, but not if we just hand them the ball.
10:17 – A TERRIBLE call by the refs when Rudy gets run into by Harpring and picks up a foul. Joseph Smith smiles down upon EnergySolutions Arena and I curse his name.
8:30 – Aldridge nails a jumper, his first points since the first quarter. The question is: Why?
7:15 – He scores again, gets his hands up on D, then gets it back and scores AGAIN. Recently he has become the most consistently active defensive player we have. I love it, especially considering his slow start to the season.
6:41 – Roy buries a three to make it 88-77 Jazz, but we need to make a run now or else this one is in the books.
-This commercial where Lebron’s friend gets his car broken into really irks me. Not only does LBJ openly discuss leaving his hometown team in 2010, but he dances while his friend calls his insurance agent after his car is broken into. Remind me why they want him in New Yo…actually that would fit perfectly in New York. Never mind.
4:50 – Steve Blake misses a three that would have cut the Jazz lead to 6. Our shots just aren’t falling. This one could be over, folks.
3:00 – With a few minutes left and the Jazz up by ten, Utah fans begin filing out of the stadium. This is awful and would never happen at the Rose Garden, where we cheer and cherish every single victory. In their defense, they have to get to bed so they can rise bright and early and catch the newest Family Circus.
1:45 – Bright spot: A nice offensive rebound and score by Angry Greg. I love seeing flashes of what this guy will be able to do.
0:52 – Rudy misses a clutch free throw. Story of the game.
0:12 – Deron Williams rebounds and dribbles out the clock. I feel like destroying something beautiful. Williams’ arm tattoo is far from beautiful, but it will do.
Final Score:
Blazers 88
Jazz 97
Postgame Thoughts:
-No transition defense + no post defense = way too many easy buckets. We killed ourselves in this regard. The fact that it was even competitive late in the game is a testament to Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge.
-Our shots just weren’t falling. There were multiple instances, in the third quarter in particular, when Rudy was taking open threes and they just weren’t going down. If they had, it would have opened up many more offensive opportunities as the Jazz would be forced to pressure or double.
-Channing Frye had 2 points, a rebound, an assist, and a flagrant foul in 6 minutes. It was one of his better nights in recent memory.
Well that’s it for this edition of the Kobestoppers’ game diary. How frustrating. The good news is, the Blazers go back home to face the lowly Clippers. If we don’t win this game I will be VERY concerned, but we will. After that we have a welcome three days off. Hopefully we can get rested and fired up for eight of the next nine games at home.
Coming off that brutal home loss against the Orlando Luckyfreakingstraightonbankshots, I thought I’d clear the air a little by posting our first ever installment of “Who Betta?”
In this segment, we attempt to answer that age-old question: Who betta than Kobe? After many years of tireless research and several minutes perusing Wikipedia, I’m ready to unveil our first inductee into the “Who Betta?” Hall of Fame:
Vlade Divacs Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Just look at him. Look at that beard. You think Kobe could grow a beard like that? Paul Motherf#@*ing Bunyan couldn’t grow a beard like that.
You want stats? Here’s some stats: over 13,000 points, 9,000 boards, 3,000 dimes, and 1,500 blocks. You know who didn’t put up numbers like that? I’ll give you one guess, and the answer isn’t Hakeem or Kareem. In fact, it doesn’t end in an “-eem” of any kind. You got it. Kobe.
You want more? How about this: I used to fall asleep to a mix tape I made of Bill Walton just saying Vlade’s name over and over again. I can still hear it now…VLAAHHDEEEE DEEEEVAHTS.
EVEN MORE??? Oh, I GOT more for you, my son. Just gimme a sec while I UH OH SPONTANEOUS SUPER SICK VLADE MIX TO BLINK 182 WITH ALL HIS SWEET MOVES SUCK IT MAMBA
The best part of this whole experience for me was when I discovered that some random Serbian super-fan was the author of Vlade’s Wikipedia page:
“He began his professional career in Yugoslavia playing for KK Sloga Kraljevo, and was immediately noted for scoring 27 points against mighty Red Star.”
Oh, I’m sorry, did KOBE ever score 27 against mighty Red Star?
45 seconds before the end, Yugoslavia had a comfortable lead of 9 points, but Soviets scored three three-pointers in a row: the third one was result of a steal of Divac's overconfident dribbling at midcourt. In the overtime, the Soviets easily prevailed against the shocked Yugoslavs, who had to be content with the bronze.
Now, some LA fans might try to use this against us Kobestoppers and say, “Hey! See? Your main man Vlade the Gnome wasn’t that great after all!” To that, I will respond with four things:
1) Let he who has never dribbled overconfidently at midcourt throw the first stone. We've all messed up, even the Mamba.
2) Actually, ESPECIALLY the Mamba.
3) I hate Kobe.
4) Where the heck is Yugoslavia, anyway? Is it, like, near Isreal? And, hey! Speaking of Yugoslavs, what the heck ever happened to Toni Kukoc?
That’s all we got, folks. Stay tuned for an upcoming Blazers/Jazz diary, written by my second favorite Blazers fan in the world.
Stardate 217…694…553: We’ve…finally returned…home after a…grueling five-game road…trip. Let’s…get fired…up and give the Magic…the ol’…Captain Kirk…double-fist.
Pre-game thoughts:
-We beat the Magic 106-99 back on November 10th for our first road win of the year. That was without Greg to body up on Dwight Howard. With that addition, this should be an easy win at home, right? Right? Good.
-The breaking news before the game is that Martell has a new foot injury in the same foot. Early estimates predict another 4-6 weeks before his return. This is worse than that time they gave me extra pickles at McDonald’s. A great man once said: “You can never erase the taste of a pickle.”
-Mike Rice tells us his Keys to the Game: blocks, three pointers, and Rose Garden fans. These also happen to be Rudy’s three favorite things. Interestingly, Mike Rice and Rudy are two of my favorite things.
I agree, but I would like to add transition defense to the list, please. Remember how many free points we gave Boston? Let’s not do that at home.
Set phasers to kill, let’s get started.
First Quarter:
11:42 – Oden fouls Dwight Howard on the first play of the game. I think I see their game plan.
10:00 – Howard scores again by just throwing it off the backboard and banking it in. Ugly, but effective. At the same time, if he’s making that shot, we are in deep trouble. 8-1, Magic lead.
9:30 – Greg reels in an offensive rebound off a miss by Roy, pump fakes and seems shocked that no one is trying to foul him or poke the ball away. Howard stands to the side as Oden throws down the two-hander.
9:00 – Mike Rice informs us that “this game will be won in the fourth quarter, not the first.” Interesting thesis, Mike, but I need hard evidence before I can be convinced.
6:45 – A couple of quick scores by LaMarcus are answered by a hook from Dwight Howard. If Superman can perfect that spin-away from the defender, off-the-glass jumper (ala Tim Duncan) he is going to be virtually unstoppable.
5:30 – One on one against Dwight Howard, Oden takes a huge swipe at his shot but Howard flips it in easily. Greg has some work to do to get to that level.
Sidenote: What IS encouraging, however, is the progression of Howard’s skills and statistics since his rookie year. Even coming off micro fracture surgery, Oden is putting up very similar stats per 48 minutes to Howard’s first season. Today, the fundamentals; tomorrow, the dunk contest!!! Right?
4:55 – It’s everyone’s favorite monster: Przybilla!!! Joel makes an instant impact on the game, pushing Howard away from the basket and forcing the type of long jumper we want him to take.
3:55 – As Sergio and Rudy sit at the scorers table, Aldridge gets his hands up and deflects a pass, resulting in a nice lay-up by Roy in transition. Man, when Aldridge is playing high-energy defense he can really have a big impact. Keep it up, big man!
2:06 – Pryz blocks Howard. Monster.
Trivia time: Which current Blazer’s favorite player is Scottie Pippen? Okay Mike and Mike, that is not a trivia question. How the hell could the average person know that based on their knowledge? It should be labeled something like “fun fact” or “random guess.”
0:00 – Crazy end to the quarter. Sergio and Rudy use their psychic link to hook up on a sweet alley-oop to cut the lead to two with seconds left. The crowd roars. Now if only they would use their psychic link to GET THE F BACK ON DEFENSE! Tony Battie hits a three, effectively killing Blazer momentum to end the quarter. 29-25, bad guys.
Sidenote: Speaking of the dunk contest, a little research found that the last Blazer to compete in the dunk contest was James Robinson in 1994. This is shocking and unacceptable. I nominate Jerryd Bayless to represent the Blazers if possible. The guy can get up.
Second Quarter:
10:49 – Rudy misses a long three and the crowd audibly shudders with dampened excitement. There’s a strange rumble in the Rose Garden tonight after that first quarter. Is it hushed anticipation or nervousness? Let’s get loud, people.
8:30 – Ghostface Pryz stuffs Courtney Lee, who loses his balance and drops hard to the floor. Luckily his body was shielded from the hard floor by his face. Roy gathers it and kicks to Rudy on the break, who sends it down low to Sergio, who one-touches it back to Roy for the open three. Wow.
8:00 – Aldridge gets his hands up on defense again, resulting in a steal and eventually a jumper by Sergio. How many Red Bulls did LaMarcus drink before the game? I hope they were sugar-free….
Mike Rice: “You can tell, the Blazers are starting to regain that lead.” Yeah, since we’ve never led and are still losing by 2. I’ll just trust him on this one.
6:20 – With good position inside, Przybilla gives Dwight Howard a little taste of his own medicine, laying it in over his outstretched arms. MVP! MVP!
I’m watching that Fred Meyer commercial where the kid gets an R2-D2 for Christmas. Now, normally I wouldn’t harm a fly, but I would kill a man to get that toy. The kid can have C-3P0.
3:20 – Turkoglu hits a turnaround over Rudy, then does it again a minute later. He is so tall and long to be that good of a shooter. It’s not fair.
2:45 – After Rudy misses a three, Aldridge flies in from behind the backboard and slams the rebound home. He is everywhere tonight.
0:26 – A Keith Bogans three pointer puts the Magic up 7, but the Blazers answer with an 8-0 run to take the lead, capped off two Blake jumpers.
0:00 – Turkoglu drives the lane WAY too easily, flips in the quick lay-up. Blakey misses on the other end to finish the half.
Halftime:
The Blazers go into the locker room trailing by 1, after being down by as many as 7 in the first half.
Good news:
-Dwight Howard has only 9 points, 2 rebounds. Superman, my ass. The real Superman would have at LEAST 4 rebounds. The announcers say that Howard has yet to score a field goal with Przybilla on the floor. Meanwhile, I’m beginning to think that the answer to the age-old question “Who betta?” is actually “Joel Przybilla.”
-LaMarcus Aldridge is an angry man tonight. Not only does he have 10 points, but his defense has been superb and he’s bringing big-time energy that we urgently need.
Bad news:
-Greg Oden: 3 fouls and 2 points in 8 minutes. I doubt Greg has much experience playing against opponents who are bigger, faster, and stronger than him. I hope he’s taking notes.
-Roy has 10 points but, as the Mikes point out, his free throw touch looks off. This could spell trouble at the end of a close game.
Random note: I flipped to the Mavs-Spurs game to check up on double overtime and caught Devean George on the screen. It struck me how incredibly ironic it is that George was right all along. Remember how George had the no-trade clause in his contract, which he used when the Mavericks tried to include him in the Jason Kidd-Devin Harris deal? He tried to warn you, Mark Cuban. And here I thought Devean George couldn’t even read. Shame on me.
Third Quarter:
11:40 – Brandon drains a long jumper. Why do I even bother worrying about this guy?
9:45 – Lewis, Turkoglu, and Nelson all hit unanswered threes. They’re now 7-11 from behind the arc. Howard is struggling, let’s close out on shooters for God’s sake.
- If you are actually intrigued enough by the new Burger King ad campaign to visit the website, make sure you spell "www.whoppervirgins.com" correctly. Just trust me on this one.
7:11 – Two Turkoglu free throws makes it 63-58, Magic. Now we’re REALLY starting to regain the lead.
6:20 – Sergio gets to the line. This may be the only place I feel comfortable with him shooting. 86% from the stripe? Sergio Bending Rodriguez, you dog!
We are now entering the Spanish Fly Zone. Here are the next 11 Blazer scores:
3:23: Aldridge dunk on Sergio assist. 2:43: Aldridge jumper on Rudy assist. 1:40: Sergio free throws. 1:07: Sergio free throws. 0:44: Rudy three pointer on Sergio assist. 0:26: Rudy free throws.
Fourth Quarter:
11:27: Sergio to Rudy alley-oop. 10:25: Sergio three pointer. 9:45: Pryz lay-up on Rudy assist (between Howard’s legs!). 9:04: Rudy technical free throw. 7:58: Aldridge dunk on Rudy assist (amazing behind-the-head pass).
In case you are counting, the Blazers scored 26 straight points as a result of our Spaniards. I just dropped una mierda en mis pantalones. Other things happened during this span, but they probably aren’t important.
-Time for the answer to tonight’s “Blind Stab,” brought to you by Kitchenette culinary knives. Nicolas Batum is the answer. In fact, I think Batum may actually BE Scottie Pippen after facial reconstruction surgery like in Face/Off. So why isn’t he averaging 16 points, 6 rebounds, and 5 assists, you may ask? Well…shut up.
6:06 – Fantastic ball movement results in a wide open 17-footer for LaMarcus. He will do that all. Day. Long. The Garden is rocking and with this momentum we can put them away with another nice run and smart ball control. Blazers lead, 97-89.
5:15 – Rashard Lewis drains a huge three. Every time I think we can put this game in the books the Magic make a big shot. This is going to be a tight finish.
4:20 – It’s Brandon Roy time, as he hits a nice jumper followed by a trip to the line on the next possession. Keep us afloat, Brandon.
1:57 – Jameer Nelson hits two more gigantic threes to cut the Blazer lead to 5, 108-103. Still, this game is ours if we take care of the ball and play smart.
0:53 – Two ill-advised three point shots later, Steve Blake can’t get the ball inbounds and has to use our last time out. Argh.
0:29 – Bogans misses a three and GETS HIS OWN REBOUND! How does that happen? Someone is defending the shot, just turn around and collect the ball! At least get a body on the shooter! Bogans kicks it to Lewis who drains the corner three. WHY!?!?
0:05 – They double Brandon the whole possession. The ball comes to him three separate times, but he is unable to free himself and eventually forces a turnaround three pointer which misses everything and results in a shot clock violation. What happened? Rudy has been on fire, Aldridge has been on fire, and someone has to be open! We’ve suddenly forgotten how to do everything we’ve been doing perfectly for the last quarter and a half. Still, the Blazers are up 2 with five seconds to go. We’ve been here before, we know how to close out games…
0:00 - …
Postgame Thoughts:
I am…stunned. Eff you, Turkoglu. Eff you right in the A.
A bank shot? Really? Straight on off the glass? Well, I don’t know what else to say other than that we gave this one away. Up 8 points with 2 minutes to play, this game was ours to lose, and we did. Silly mistakes, turnovers, and poor rebounding cost us our first home loss.
-On the bright side, Roy finished with 30/9/5, Aldridge with 25/13 and 2 blocks, and Sergio had 14 points, 7 assists, and no turnovers. Good God, how do we lose with those numbers?
It's that time of the month again, sports fans. No, not that time. This is a much better time. It's time for some basketball links.
"It's too hot out here, man." We miss you too, Sabas.
Zach Randolph: Power of Blazers Reuben Patterson: Secret Weapon of Blazers
Whoever made this mix: Self-Loathing Sadomasochist of Blazers. Seriously, have two guys ever deserved a mix less? And does every franchise have one crazy fan who makes crap like this? Is there some Sixers fan who's posting "Shawn Bradly vs. Jeff Malone" mixtapes? I may try and get this guy to do an interview to find out just what exactly he was thinking. Stay tuned.
Secret Weapon of Blazers???? Seriously???????
Lucas vs. Dawkins Philadelphia Spectrum, 1977
Remember how cool basketball used to be? Well, actually, I guess I don't. I wasn't born yet. But MAN basketball used to be cool. They should have let 'em go. Mo would have rearranged Dawkins' face. Chocolate Thunder would have become Chocolate GIGANTIC HOSPITAL BILL.
Well, that's it for now, Blazermaniacs. Train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and get ready for a big home victory against the Magic.
I was in San Diego for the weekend, so I was unable to keep a running diary on this game. I’m sure you’ve all seen/heard/read all about the game already, so instead of doing a recap of Sunday’s action, let’s make some observations in a piece I like to call “Joe Knows.”
-The Blazers are 15-7. They are 7-0 at home. They are 8-1 against Eastern conference teams. They are 8-6 against opponents with winning records.
Let’s be honest: This team’s starting schedule is tough. Like, really tough. Like, “let’s take all the playoff teams from last year with quality starting centers and put them against Greg Oden on national television. Oh, and let’s do it on the road for good measure” tough. Considering the circumstances, I doubt anyone predicted that, 22 games into the season, the Blazers would have the second-best record in the West behind the LA Kobe (who betta?).
The amazing thing is that the Blazers' record is even better than it looks at a glance. The Blazers started the season against five of the last year's top six teams from the West. After a 1-3 start, Portland has gone 14-4 since the first week of November. Aside from a disappointing loss to Golden State (and yes, it was on the road), the Blazers’ six losses have come against LA (Kobe!), Phoenix, Utah, New Orleans, Phoenix again, and Boston, all on the road. Considering we were missing Oden for six games and Martell for all of them, it’s safe to say that Portland exceeded expectations.
It doesn’t get much easier in 2008 either. Before the end of the year, Portland plays Orlando, Utah, Phoenix, Denver (twice), Dallas, Toronto, and Boston. Oh, and they start 2009 with New Orleans, LA (Kobe!), and Detroit. I think Kevin Pritchard must’ve called David Stern a toad with the commissioner within earshot.
Mr. Stern's Wild Ride!!
In any case, I’m looking forward to 2009. I can only assume that, considering the first half of our schedule, we play 25 straight home games against the OKC Thunder.
-Martell made his glorious return yesterday. I was curious to see how the Blazers would handle his return to the lineup considering the logjam developing at the small forward position. The answer: very carefully. 5 minutes, 0-1 from the field, 0 points, 0 rebounds, 0 assists carefully.
I’m OK with this, though. The guy is a tireless worker and should quickly get back into game shape. When he does, look for him to take Travis’ minutes, and Travis to take Frye’s minutes at the PF.
Sidenote: This resulted in a big, fat DNP-CD for Channing Frye. Out of the Fryeing pan, into the Fryer, you might say.
-Greg Oden gets the ball slapped out of his hands (foul or no foul) more than seems normal. So many times we’ve seen him with the ball in excellent position under the basket, only to have it poked away from him by opposing defenders before he can go up strong with it.
First of all, let me say that I think many of these plays are fouls. Greg’s hands and limbs are just too big for me to believe that smaller defenders are cleanly getting their hands on the ball. However, not only is he a rookie, he is gigantic man with great athleticism. He doesn’t get the luxury of ticky-tack hand-check foul calls like the Mamba does, nor should he.
The fact is, when Oden gets an offensive rebound, he has the unfortunate habit of coming down all the way, often until he is bent double over the ball. I see why he does this: it allows him to get full control of the ball before going up strong. The problem is that this gives defenders (even small defenders who have come over on the double team) a chance to get their hands on the ball on his way up. If Greg learns to rebound the ball up high and immediately go back to basket with it, he will be nigh unstoppable.
A great example of this is Zydrunas Ilgauskas. I don’t think the man could bend over double if his life depended on it, yet he is one of the best at scoring on tip-ins in the entire league. He uses his long arms to keep the ball high above other players so that, if defenders want to have any impact on his tip, the only option is to foul. THAT will get Greg calls.
-The point guard situation is really getting interesting up in Portland. Steve Blake is having a great season by his standards. Sure, his numbers won’t blow you away, but anyone who has watched a few Blazers games can attest that he has been an extremely important part of the starting offensive unit. How many times have we seen Blakey hit big shots when our offensive has been stagnant?? The Toronto game-winner aside, there have been countless games in the last month in which Blake came out firing and helped our early offense get rolling. Big round of applause for Blake.
Sergio is also filling an important role. I think it’s fair to say that a lot of Blazer fans thought the only impact Sergio was going to have this year was to invite Rudy to his house for Thanksgiving. Well that happened too, but Serge can do more than just pass food around the table. Rodriguez has also dropped 4.1 dimes in only 15 minutes a game, putting him second in the league in assists per 48 minutes. He doesn’t spill the cranberry sauce either: he’s currently 12th in assist-to-turnover ratio.
Bayless still has to prove himself, but it was clear from the Boston game that this guy is determined to impress in whatever limited minutes he might get. In fact, by the fourth quarter, Bayless was about the only thing that kept me from turning the TV off in disgust. I’m not expecting anything this season besides what he’s currently doing, but that little taste of B-Rex left me wanting more.
I guess the point is, all you Blazer fans who are clamoring to use RLEC on a veteran point guard: WAKE UP! To make a geological analogy: Blake is our rock, Sergio is our free-flowing hot lava, and Bayless is our tumbling mass of rock and ice, gaining speed, size, and momentum. Watch out.
That’s it for Joe Knows. Until then, get pumped for a much-needed home stand of…one game? Damn you Mr. Toad!!!
