Hell no, you all shout in unison!
Just so we’re clear, if we pull this out, expect me to constantly reference this game as “the moment I knew we were half-god, half-mortal, like Kevin Sorbo.” Similarly, if we lose, I’m going to dismiss this as a “meaningless regular-season affair.” I might also use the word “hullabaloo” if I’m especially set on discrediting a Celtics win. You’ve been warned.
Let’s get down to business. Let’s recap the Kobestoppers’ Keys to the Game, shall we?
1) Make Rondo shoot
2) Smother Ray Allen
3) Move that ball on offense
4) Crash the boards
5) Stay mentally tough
We do those things, and we’ll have a shot tonight. So say the idiots who run this site, anyway.
Pregame Highlights
4:55 PM, PST – More and more, Bill Walton’s hair is turning into beige cotton balls. So soft. So…beautiful. I want to touch them.
4:46 – Is it me, or does Avery Johnson look A LOT like the Cleveland Indians mascot?
4:46 – Oh no. I’ve made a huge mistake.
4:48 – I’m really enjoying these NBA on ESPN commercials with Breen, Stu Scott and the gang. The Scrabble Game with Shaqtus is masterful. And how could you not laugh at Mark Jackson sleeping in his old Knicks uniform? Actually, how could you not laugh at Mark Jackson, period?
5:00 – Paul Pierce appears to have his own personal, pre-game calf-massager. No, it’s not a vibrating piece of equipment. It’s an actual man in a white polo shirt. I wonder if that’s a paying position. Maybe they just held an “I love P.P. the most” contest, and the winner got to massage his calves before every home game. I feel like we need to think about this stuff as basketball fans.
5:05 – KG beats his chest like a caveman and unleashes an unholy howl. I couldn’t be any more fired up. We’re seconds away from tip-off. Bring it.
First Quarter
5:06 – KG hits an 18-footer from the baseline. He loves that shot. 2-0 Celtics.
5:08 – Brandon blows by Ray Allen baseline for a thunderous two-handed Jam. Ray’s knees sure ain’t what they used to be.
5:09 – Van Gundy says that Brandon has “sneaky speed.” Joe and I were just discussing that topic earlier. More on this in the near future.
5:11 – Our defense is sinking down and playing the paint. Three turnovers for Boston so far. This bodes well.
5:12 – I just noticed that Nate has Nicolas guarding Ray Allen. Brilliant move. So far, we’re following the game plan, and it’s paying off. Speaking of which…
5:14 – I’M OLD GRE – oh, what the hell, Greg?! Don’t hang on the rim, brother!
You just reversed all the momentum we gained with that thunderous jam!5:16 – I don’t know much in this crazy, crazy world. But I do know this: I HAVE to get me some of this 9IX Fragrance for Men. That commercial was the closest I’ve gotten to a date in two months.
5:18 – Brandon talks about his mom in a pre-game interview. I want to be friends with him.
5:20 – Mark Jackson’s first Jeffersons reference of the night.
5:21 – Van Gundy’s first OJ Simpson reference of the night.
5:22 – Van Gundy claims that Tracy McGrady, when healthy, is better than Brandon Roy. Yeah, you’re probably right, coach. Or, you know, when he’s not a jelly donut. Or did you mean T-Mac circa 2003? No, really. It’s 2008. Almost 2009, even. LIVE IN THE NOW.
5:23 – Nicolas hits a big three off a cross-court pass from Stevesie. Way to move the ball, fellas. Hey! That’s one of those keys we mentioned. I’m receiving far too great an ego boost from all this.
5:24 – Both Breen and Jackson pronounce Nicolas’ last name “BAY-toom.” Good stuff.
5:25 – Hey, did you guys know that Taco Bell just came out with these new Fully Loaded Nachos? No, really, they did. Excuse me a second while I go vomit. Be right back.
5:26 – NBA League Pass commercial featuring nothing but KG. God, those eyes. They’re eating my soul from the inside out. Annnyyythiinnnnngg issssss POSSSSSSSIIIBULLLLL!!!!
5:28 – Pryz swats “Kool-Aid” Perkins on defense, then gathers a Sergio miss for the put-back on the offensive end. Vanilla Gorilla reporting for duty, sir.
5:29 – Roy gets free and drills a wide open triple. Huzzah! Man, we’re really playing with some confidence here. I mean, if we can just sustain thh…OOHHH NO!!! NO!!!!! Brandon’s hurt!! Good God, what do we do?! Boil some blankets!! Stop drop and roll! Is there any way we could, like, borrow Paul Pierce’s calf-massager man???
5:30 – Bad shots. No ball movement on offense. Rondo just got to the rim.
5:33 – At the end of the first, it’s 24-21, C’s. Oh, thank God. It looks like Brandon’s going to be okay. Lucky for me, too. I think that fourth Xanax might have been the one to do me in.
5:34 – My relief regarding Brandon’s injury immediately turns to disgust upon my first Brian Scalabrine sighting of the evening. Oh, God. I know I’m looking at a fellow human being, but all I can think about is those Fully Loaded Nachos. Excuse me again.
5:35 – A poor Rebecca Harlow substitute asks Nate what went wrong at the end of the quarter. Nate explains that “we’re losing Allen in transition” and we “gotta keep Rondo in front of us.” I couldn’t agree more.
Second Quarter
5:37 – Channing enters the game. He passes up an open 20-footer and sort of passes the ball to himself. The ball is quickly stolen by Leon Powe, who is fouled by Channing on the break – score the bucket, and he’s going to the line. I need a beer.
5:38 – Van Gundy makes fun of Channing by asking if there’s ever been a worse 24 seconds of basketball ever played. Now, now, Jeff. Nobody made fun of you back when you were hanging on to Alonzo Mourning’s ankle for dear life by asking if there’d ever been a worse 24 seconds of fighting ever fought. Oh, wait a minute. I did that. I guess we’re even.
5:39 – Powe slides in under Rudy after he’s already left his feet to launch a floater. Guess who got the call? 28-23, Celtics. Wow, I just now noticed that I’ve been chewing on my tongue this entire time.
5:40 – Doc leaps off the bench after Pierce is called for a charge on Pryz. I can’t exactly make out what he’s screaming at Dick Bavetta, but it looks like he’s challenging Dick to kumite. Well, nice knowing you, Doc. If I’ve learned one thing from watching 23 years of basketball, it’s this: don’t mess with Dick Bavetta.
5:44 – There’s strong, and then there’s “Army Strong.” No offense, but I think I’d rather be “Civilian Alive.”
5:45 – OJ’s going to jail for at least nine years. Whoa. I wonder if the Naked Gun movies will be even funnier now. Hmmmm.
5:47 – We switch to a zone now that Allen’s out of the game. Smart, Nate. Smart. That’s exactly what I would do.
5:48 – Eddie House immediately drills a long two when our guards fail to rotate. OK, I’m an idiot.
5:49 – The crowd goes ballistic (Ecks vs. Sever) for the first time because, according to Mike Breen, there’s a giant, animated “noise meter” being displayed on the jumbo-tron. God, I hate 2008.
5:50 – Brandon talks some smack to Pierce and hits a beautiful turnaround J. He’s the franchise. 35-32, Celtics.
5:52 – The NBA: where Jason Terry’s legs happen. Great.
5:56 – Roy steals the ball and dishes to Rudy in transition for the jam. Nice things!
5:58 – Van Gundy uses the term “field goal-athon” when referring to Monday Night Football. Epic.
5:59 – Brandon fights desperately for a rebound, but ultimately loses it to KG and gives up on the play. Everybody else takes the cue from Brandon, and Rondo dishes to KG for an easy two. Not good. Nate calls timeout, even though we’re only down two points. What a great coach this guy is. He sees the attitude change, and he nips it in the bud. He’s the Hank Hill of NBA coaches. Goddangit, Bobbuh.
6:03 – After an LMA miss, KG hits from the baseline. Rudy misses a three. Rondo gets to the rim and throws it down. Brandon misses. Pierce dunks. 9-0 Celtics run. 11-0.
6:05 – Breen informs us that the C’s have won their last 24 games in which they’ve led by double-digits at one point. Fantastic. Hang on sec, guys. I’m just gonna go outside real quick and smoke this carton of Lucky Strikes.
6:08 – B-Rex in the game for the last 16 seconds. Pierce takes a dive while getting picked and the Celts score before the half ends. 49-36, Celtics.
Halftime
6:09 – We’re hanging our heads as we walk off the floor. I pray that Nate has something special to say in the locker room, because otherwise we’re done-sauce. Hey, maybe he should take a cue from Mike Bellotti and destroy something! Hmmm…something tells me that beating a tiny Irishman with a sledgehammer behind closed doors wouldn’t exactly fly in today’s NBA. Well, whatever he does, we need to get fired up.
6:15 – Walton says something about the game, but I can’t hear it because I’m too busy getting lost in that Easter Egg Pink shirt/tie combo he’s sporting. Gorgeous.
6:25 – Possible Kobe stopping in progress in Washington D.C. tonight. The Lakers are up one with 10 seconds to go. Stay tuned.
Third Quarter
6:30 – Bad shot from Greg. Transition lay-up on the other end from Allen. Not how I would have preferred to start the second half.
6:32 – A Boston triple makes it a 5-0 run to start the half. Nate calls timeout. He’s gonna win coach of the year, I’m telling you. Even in the face of a 19-0 run, he’s still correcting mistakes from this young team. We’re getting it handed to us right now, but I’m actually not that worried. We’re in great hands.
6:36 – Greg commits his fourth foul. On defense, the C’s have been stepping up their perimeter pressure. Our guards are freaking out and making bad decisions, and our big men are standing around and watching our guards freak out. This looks frighteningly similar to the season opener.
6:40 – Van Gundy expresses his adoration for the term “remix.” What a cool guy.
6:41 – Make an assessment. Greg goes all Bill Russell on Ray Allen. Catalyst?
6:42 – Brandon goes strong to the rim off the hesitation dribble. Let’s go!
6:44 – Rondo extinguishes the momentum by going to the rack untouched. Zero help defense on that play. And why, for the love of GOD, are we STILL pressuring Rondo at HALF COURT??? Back off of him, Steve. Make him shoot over you! Slide under every single pick they throw at you. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills or something.
6:45 – Van Gundy is getting riled up about how bad our transition D is. Agreed.
6:46 – Greg commits his fifth foul and has to sit. They hold a close-up on Greg’s face for probably 30 seconds. He looks like Matt Damon after he gets busted by Teddy KGB. Chin up, Greg. It’ll be OK. Wanna come over and watch some Fresh Prince later?
6:47 – Actual exchange from the broadcast team:
Van Gundy: I wish players had personal mute buttons!
Breen: That sounds like a Jim Carrey movie. Or Adam Sandler. Didn’t he make a movie that was kind of…
Jackson: Yeah, Click.
Mark Jackson: Ballplayer. Broadcast journalist. Film historian. Click.
6:48 – Rondo lays it up, untouched. I don’t even want to hear it, Van Gundy.
6:51 – We’re informed that the LA Kobe has held on to eek out a win in D.C. Damn.
6:54 – Van Gundy makes a comment about how we need to move the ball side to side on offense. Gee, thanks Mike. You wanna tell us some other extremely important stuff that only you know about? How about how we should reduce our carbon emissions because of global warming? Or how smoking cigarettes might be hazardous to our health? How about that?
6:55 – Van Gundy in regard to our transition defense: “I am losing my MIND, here!” You don’t know what pain is, you bald bastard.
6:57 – Is it me, or does “Kool-Aid” Perkins look a heck of a lot like Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple?
7:00 – Rondo hits a triple from 25 feet to end the quarter. Lucky isn’t the word for that one, guys. 74-51, Celtics. Come on, fellas. This one’s for pride.
Fourth Quarter
7:02 – Who else thinks the Heisman should be decided by a four-corners Texas Death Match? Come on, who’s with me? Tell me you wouldn’t watch that.
7:06 – Apparently, Brian Scalabrini played one-on-one with Sam Cassell in order to “prepare” himself to guard Travis Outlaw tonight. So, to prepare for an Alien, you practice against a Fetus. Duly noted.
7:09 – Sergio scores two quick buckets, and suddenly the lead has been cut to 17. Oh YEAH, baby! Can you feel THAT? Feels like a tidal wave of…oh, wait. Boston has its third string in. Sorry. Never mind.
7:14 – Big Baby Davis appears to be weeping. I do not know why. More on this as it develops.
7:16 – With 6:04 left, Travis swats Pierce, and Channing hits a triple from the corner. Lead cut to 13! Time out from Doc. I imagine we’ll see KG and RayRay come back into the game.
7:19 – 9IX Fragrance for Men. If Jay-Z like it, I like it.
7:21 – OK, so it seems that Big Baby is actually POUTING because KG yelled at him and the rest of the bench players. Oh…oh God. I’m just…SO happy right now. I feel like Cartman after he made Scott Tenorman eat his own parents.
7:22 – Travis scores, and that’s an 18-4 run from those scrappy Blazers. Don’t turn that dial.
7:24 – Why???? Why are we pressuring Rondo??!! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME, JERRYD????
7:26 – Greg fouls out, and in comes…Ike Diogu? You know what? I love it. Nate’s putting in guys who want to play. I LOVE the fact that we didn’t give up, even with Brandon off the floor. Oh, and FYI, Big Baby is still crying.
7:33 – KG throws one down off an oop from Rondo and starts screaming like a madman. 89-74, Celtics. The Jell-O’s jigglin’.
7:35 – So let it be written, so let it be done. I hereby christen thee Glen “Cry Baby” Davis. Henceforth, it is encouraged for all non-Celtics fans to refer to Glen Davis by his new nickname. That way, maybe he’ll cry some more.
7:38 – The horn blows. 93-78, Celtics. Bayless and Eddie House hug, but the other Blazers walk off the floor wearing scowls. I like it. It shows defiance.
Closing thoughts
-- As a lousy basketball player, I’ve gotten my butt kicked quite a few times. I know what it’s like to feel intimidated by more experienced players and to give in to mental errors. That’s exactly what happened to us tonight. Instead of getting down on ourselves, we need to analyze what went wrong and come back strong in Toronto. Learn from your mistakes, but don’t let them own you.
--That being said, I am incredibly proud of our bench for not giving up tonight. It’s a long season, fellas. And don’t forget, we get a rematch, and this time it’ll be on our turf.
--I wish we would have followed the Kobestoppers’ Keys for more than just the first 10 minutes of the game. Had we, I think it would have been a different story.
--I love Joel Przybilla.
That’s all she wrote, guys. Do whatever you have to do to get ready for Toronto on Sunday. I’m predicting we come back strong. To paraphrase Clubber Lang, my prediction is pain for the Raptors.
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