Running Diary - Kings at Blazers

12/16/08
6:42 PM, PST

Settle in, maniacs, because I’ve got a whole mess of pre-game thoughts:

- A few days ago, I made mention of a certain Rebecca Haarlow related Google search that directed a presumably very frisky (and subsequently, very disappointed) Internet HyperWarrior to this website. In that vain, I’d like to reveal a couple other excellent (though not quite as exciting) search engine result that gave me cause to stand up and shout, “Excelsior!” Check them out here and here.

- This hot cocoa I’m drinking is delicious.

- Spencer Hawes is the goofiest dude in the history of goofy dudes. In the Kings’ circle-mosh-dance-thing, Big Spence was not only moving against the grain, but he was also flailing his legs in what appeared to be some sort of bizarre, dorky mating ritual. We need to get Big Country Reeves up in this bitch and have ourselves a World Championship Goof-Off.

- When I die and go to hell, I can only imagine that the Dark Prince will greet me with an electric harmonica, playing that contemptible Blazers theme for all of eternity.

- Mike Rice explains that a “miracle shot” can happen at home as easily as it can happen on the road. For the last time, Baron’s shot was not a “miracle.” He got a clean look. He’s a good player. We should have fouled him off the dribble while he was 27 feet from the basket.

- Regarding the whole Whopper Virgins thing: did anyone actually think that those Vietnamese people were going to choose the Big Mac? I mean, I really didn’t think that they were going to follow through with it and actually give us the “results” of the “survey.” For God’s sake, did Pepsi lose the freaking Pepsi Challenge? Was this supposed to be suspenseful? That had about as much uncertainty to it as the Tyson/Spinks execution. Honestly, how stupid are we?

- Turns out they finally created a special school for children with small brains. God bless you, Sylvan Learning Center. Never mind about that rhetorical “stupid” question, I guess.

- Hmmm. It seems that while I was ranting about small-brained children, I’ve missed Mike Rice’s keys to the game. Oops.

- Brandon’s playing with a splint on that right pinky finger. You know who else played with finger splints? Bernard King. And we all remember how that worked out. But just in case we don’t: check this out. And heyyyyy…is that a perm on Hubie Brown?

- Finally, I’m just going to put this out there: If Beno Udrih has more than 12 points tonight, I’m slapping some faces. Steve, Serge, I’m looking at you guys. Is that what you want? Hmm? Twelve. Points.

Okay, enough fooling around. Let’s fire this bad boy up.

First Quarter

7:11 PM – Udrih steals the ball; Salmons hits a three. Hawes blocks a shot; Salmons buries a 17-footer. Off to a good start.

7:14 – LaMarcus has started three-for-three and Salmons is four-for-four. Let's go Nic. Lock him down.

7:17 – All right. Let’s clear something up, here. Alonzo. Buddy. You are NOT the next Tiger, regardless of your Gatorade G2 consumption habits.

7:18 - If my momma like it, I like it.

7:20 – Two quick fouls on Big Brad result in free throws for Old Greg and our first glimpse at the incomparable Mikki Moore. For the love of God, man. Just spell it like a normal dude.

7:22 – Nicolas jams home a miss in the lane like he’s from some country that isn’t France. J’aime, Nicky. J’aime beaucoup.

7:24 – Salmons is now five-for-five with 16 points.

7:25 – Actual exchange at the broadcast table:

Rice: See, Sacramento uses a play called the Zipper…
Barrett: It’s called the Zipper??
Rice: Yes, they just ZIP their big guys right down the middle.
Barrett: ….

Mike Rice, ladies and gentlemen! 20-18, Blazers.

7:28 – Where Darius Miles landing another job happens.

7:29 – Oh boy! Time for another Aflac Shot in the Dark! Let’s see here…who was the…wait a minute. That doesn’t even make any sense. That’s not even a question, is it? Wait, what did that mean?! What were they even asking? Forget about the answer, I can’t even repeat that question.

7:30 – Hey, Buck and Jerome! Can’t wait till halftime.

7:32 – LMA is fouled on the block and sinks both shots from the line. He’s really being aggressive here in the early going. I love it.

7:34 – Rudy snags a steal and dumps it to Przybilla for the throwdown in traffic. Looks like somebody just got Monster-ized.

7:35 – The Kings go on a 7-0 run to end the quarter, making it 28-27, Blazers.

Second Quarter

7:40 – TP in the booth! Wow. What can you say about a guy like Terry Porter? Honestly, what I remember most about him had nothing to do with his physical gifts (though they were many) as a ballplayer. Granted, I was just a little kid when I watched him play, but I had a special attachment to Terry. I remember what a great floor general he was, always calling plays and barking out assignments. I remember him flying up and down the court like the Roadrunner. Everybody today who’s in shape has a “great motor.” Well, Terry was the original motor. I remember his heart, his desire, his sheer will to win. I never forgot my attachment to those teams of the early ’90s, and they’re a big part of why I’m still a basketball fan today. I guess the bottom line is this: I’m truly thankful that Terry Porter will always be remembered as a Portland Trail Blazer. Remember seeing him in other jerseys? It just felt…wrong. Number 30 belongs up in the rafters of the Rose Garden – nowhere else. Terry Porter: great player to watch, great player to imitate on the playground. Thank you, Terry.

7:41 – Salmons is eight-for-nine with 19 points. Um, could we get a body on that guy, please? Thanks.

7:43 – Funktacular turnaround J off the glass from the elbow by Rudy (Rudy, Rudy). 31-30, Kings.

7:48 – Pryz blocks a shot and outlets to Roy. Brandon hits Rudy in stride with a three-quarter-court pass for a spectacular and-one finish at the rim. Swish goes the free one.

7:52 – I swear as long as I live that I will never get tired of watching Brandon drive that dagger into the heart of those Houston Rockets. YES HE DID!!!!!! YES HE DIIIIIDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

7:54 – We come back from that Rise With Us commercial to find the Blazers dancers already mid…um…hoochie cooch. And hey! Do my ears deceive me, or is that none other than Bust A Bucket? What’s disturbing is that there’s a group of dudes who are actually more excited about this than me.

7:56 – Bobby Jackson has just been ejected. Oh no! Now what will the Kings do? Hey, I’ve got an idea. How about you send a page outside the Rose Garden and see if you can find another 78-year old man to back up the point? Sorry, Bobby. Nothing personal.

7:58 – Brandon is fouled and the jumper counts. Beautiful body control. Brandon’s already got 15, and it seems as if he’s taking over yet another game. Man, that guy is like the plague. But, you know, in a good way.

7: 59 – I just now noticed that John Salmons has a twin stalactite goatee. Perhaps this is the source of his power...

8:03 – Brandon hits a runner in transition. He has 19, and it’s 50-40, good guys.

8:09 – Mike Rice claims that Spencer Hawes is neither a “great leaper” nor a “quick leaper.” The stuffed marmoset hanging from the Hawes’ game room begs to differ, Coach Rice.

8:11 – After hitting a tough double-clutcher from 17, Stevesie shuts down Udrih and chucks the ball the entire length of the floor for the last shot of the half. The good news: that full-court heave drilled some poor photographer in the ear. The better news: Mike Barrett can’t stop laughing about it. 54-42, Blazers.

Halftime

- Brandon has 19 points, and the team has seven steals. I like this.

- Salmons has 21 points, and Big Country Reeves is apparently “unreachable by telephone.” Goodbye Goof-Off World Championship. This makes me sad.

- “Talkin’ Ball” – is there anything I’d rather watch less? Maybe “Gilmore Girls,” but it’s definitely a photo finish.

- Udrih is scoreless thus far, so your faces are safe for now, Blazer guards. For now…

- Regarding the Terry Porter ceremony, I have a few points to make:

1) I did not, repeat, did NOT cry when Terry’s crispy new banner ascended to the heavens.
2) Geoff Petrie – age has not been kind to you, my friend.
3) Hey Schonz! I was wondering, is there any way we could work something out so that you could be my honorary grandpa?

Third Quarter

8:41 – Roy gets to the rack easily and finishes with his left. He does the exact same thing next time down the floor, making it 58-42. Kenny Natt awakens from his day dream about Red Lobster and remembers that he’s allowed to call timeouts.

8:43 – Oh. My. God. He’s. Old. Greg. Did you guys see that???? That pick and roll with Greg actually WORKED for once! Greg was so high up in the air, I thought he was a good-natured bird of prey. God almighty.

8:44 – Stevesie gets called for a BS clear path foul. The NBA: Where 90 percent accurate officiating happens. Garcia misses the tainted free throw. Ball don’t lie.

8:47 – Greg loses the handle, gets it back, muscles inside, and dunks with two hands. More, please.

8:54 – Hey, guess what? Brandon has 27…with five minutes left to go in the THIRD QUARTER.

8:59 – It’s all tied up with three minutes to go in the third. Nah, I’m just kidding. We’re kicking ass, 75-53. After a little taste of what I would refer to lovingly as “rat ball,” Brandon hits Blake for a little 23-skidoo lay-up.

9:01 – Buck Williams makes his second “Terry shot the ball a lot” joke of the evening. Put another one up for the B-MAN!

9:07 – Some stuff has happened over the last six minutes, but I missed it because I was in a small coma caused by what a baller Brandon is. Anyway, it’s 81-60 at the end of three.

Fourth Quarter

9:10 – Trav hits a three to open the quarter. Good man, Travis. Hey, I know a guy who gives free butt massages if you’re still hurting. Give me a ring.

9:12 – Who else REALLY enjoyed that “McDonalds Apple Dippers” conversation between the two Mikes just now?

9:14 – Pryz sterilizes John Salmons with one of the top five blocks I’ve ever witnessed. Sergio follows up by lobbing to LMA in transition for a crowd-exploding slammajamma. Excuse me for a moment while I try to comprehend what my eyes just beheld. Wow. I’m calling it. It’s official. Time of death: 9:14 pm.

9:15 – The answer to the Aflac “Guess a Random Name” competition was Rebecca Haarlow. Or, uh…Rebecca Haarlow’s dad. Or something. Damn that insurance-hocking duck. Damn him.

9:18 – B-Rex sighting. RAaarghhhh!!!

9:19 onward – Since the Jell-O’s already jigglin’ here, I think I’ll just give you guys a bullet list of what happened during the last eight minutes of game time:

- Rudy three
- Pryz slam
- CHALUPAS
- betting on who the “chalupa man” might be
- Bayless jumping really high
- possible Kobe stopping in progress
- Fully Loaded Nachos (and subsequent nausea)
- Sheldon Williams’ dog face
- KP’s goatee
- Bayless jumping really high again
- Mike Barrett making at least two Bobby Brown jokes. Hilarious.

Post-Game Thoughts:

I’m extremely disappointed we didn’t get to see Brandon play in the fourth quarter. Maybe that’s me being that spoiled little brat who wants to open his presents on Christmas Eve, but dang, man. I wanted him to go for a season high and break the consecutive free-throw record. Of course, if he had gotten hurt in that fourth quarter, I probably would have felt compelled to give out my home address and set up bins labeled “Free Rocks” outside my apartment.

That was a much needed win, and I’m glad we got it. No more tired legs. Now go get ready for the Shaqtus.