Running Diary - Blazers at Knickerbockers

12/2/08

Blazers at Knickerbockers

Let me ask you this, Blazers fans: could there be a better possible way to birth this Tyrannosaur of a basketball blog than to do a running diary of the Blazers/Knicks affair? Hell no, you all shout in unison! Well, since you asked nicely, here it is:

BLAZERS! KNICKS! IT’S THE NBA ON CSN!

Pre-game highlights:

4:16 PM – Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you, for the third time in his young career, the Western Conference player of the week, Mr. Brandon Roy. Suck it, Mamba.

4:17 – Mike Rice comes out of the gate strong tonight with the astute observation that “we’ve got Spanish flags” in the crowd. Rice is smiling broadly, but I’m not sure at what, exactly. He looks especially drunk tonight.

4:22 – Mike Barrett informs us that Sergio Rodriguez is tonight’s “X-FACTOR!!!” Great. Fantastic. Whatever the hell that means.

4:24 – Great local commercial for “Party Works.” I’m guessing that “Crappy Activities at Exorbitant Prices” didn’t quite roll off the tongue the way they wanted it to.

4:30 – A beautifully intense Blazers/Knicks montage gets me even MORE pumped for the game, but three seconds later the moment is ruined by some crappy local band playing the crappy Blazers theme.

4:35 – Gatorade G2 commercial – Dwyane Wade explains to us that, “if my mama like it, I like it.” Interestingly enough, that is the exact opposite of my own personal creedo.

4:38 – Well, so much for a 4:30 tip-off, huh? Don’t want to rush it, and we certainly don’t want to miss Rice’s “Keys to the Game.” Those are always so useful and not idiotic in the slightest.

4:39 – Damn you, Rice. Those were some pretty damn good Keys.

4:40 – Well good evening, Rebecca Harlow. You’re looking lovely, as always. I’m pretty sure that Rebecca is the only sideline reporter in the history of sideline reporters who I’m actually OK with. Stop your crying, Craig Sager. I’ve made up my mind.

4:41 – And we finally get a tip-off! Unbelievable. Stevesie drains a triple right off the bat. Game over. Stick a fork in them; those Knicks are done-sauce.

4:43 – Al Harrington takes a dive and wins both the Flop Oscar and First Prize in my personal “Player Who Will Eventually Replace Ricky Davis As My Least Favorite Human Being On Earth” contest. Well done, Al-dawg.

4:45 – Hustle on the offensive boards creates second-chance points. Good GOD we’re crashing those boards. I love it.

4:46 – Oden botches his second easy dunk of the quarter. I unleash a grunt of frustration, replacing the thunderous “I’M OLD GREGGGG!!!!!” that was to follow both of the two-handed throw-downs.

4:50 – Is it just me, or do we struggle offensively against these no-defense-Nelly-ball type clubs more than we do against tough defensive teams?

4:52 – Rice can’t tell whether we’re shooting 31% or 38% from the field because of the “fuzzy monitor.” Yeah, it could be that. Or it could be the gallon of whiskey you drank 15 minutes before show time.

4:55 – Holy crap. I knew the Knicks had gotten out of hand with the player acquisitions over the last couple of years, but I had no idea they had signed the Pillsbury Doughboy to a….oh, oh nevermind. My bad. That’s just Tim Thomas when he’s not in a contract year.

4:56 – Ice cold from the field, and we’re running with them like chickens with our heads cut off. I have to ask – are we intentionally trying to lose, here?

4:57 – Stevesie dishes to Trav for a big time jam. That’s the right idea, but we need to slow it down and get to the rim on a regular basis. Don’t settle for that outside stuff when it’s not falling, fellas. We’re too good off the dribble. Get in there and draw some fouls. The high pick and roll with Brandon is there all day. They’re late on their rotation. Gotta take advantage.

4:59 – Uh oh. Time for some Aflack Trivia. What Blazer plays piano and says Ray Charles is one of his favorite musicians? Hmmm. My guess is Greg, but it could also be LMA. Or Sergio.

5:00 – Actually, you know what? It’s probably not Sergio.

5:01 – The Spanish Inquisition hits the floor for the first time. Chants of “Rudy” circulate through the MSG crowd. And yes, Mike Rice, people are still waving those Spanish flags around.

5:03 – Tim Thomas for three. God, he’s so EFFING lazy. Just look at him for God’s sake. It’s disgusting. In three years, you won’t be able to tell him apart from Tractor Traylor.

5:04 – Rudy answers right back. Rudy is not everyday a shooter, but tonight, it would appear he is.

5:06 – Rudy plunges a dagger into the collective MSG morale by hitting a three-ball with 1.4 seconds left in the quarter. God, he’s such an ice-cold killer, man. I just…I love him, you know? I really, really love him. I mean, platonically, of course. Let’s just move on.

5:07 – At the end of the first quarter, the Knicks lead 31-24. The good news is that Portland couldn’t shoot any worse if they tried, and they’re only down seven. Looking forward to the second quarter.

Now seems as good a time as any to mention that my partner in crime, Kobestopper Joe, is watching this game with a Knicks fan. He informed me earlier today that he and his orange and blue “pal” would be playing a special drinking game as they watched. The rules are as follows: Each time your opponent dunks, hits a three, or blocks a shot, you take a swill of beer. Oh, and if for some reason Stephon Marbury happens to appear on screen, you have to both chug your beer and scream “STARRRRBUURRRRRRYYYY!!!!!” simultaneously until the camera cuts away. What can I say? Joe’s a really cool dude.

5:08 – Ah, Jesus. When are they going to let this whole “where amazing happens” thing die? They’re getting so desperate for decent stuff to put in these commercials that it’s embarrassing. At this point, there’s just wrapping text around headbands, jerseys, and knee-high socks.

Seriously, why stop there? Why not where “Carmelo Anthony’s dreadlocks” happen? Or how about where “Lebron and Kobe standing side by side” happens? But you know what I’d really love to see? Where “Starbury scowling on the bench in street clothes while his teammates bust their asses on the court” happens. STARRRRBUURRRRYYYY!!!!!!

5:11 – Good to see Q Richardson’s still doing that double fist pound on his headband every time he makes a bucket. Douchebag.

5:19 – Greg’s back in. Rudy heads to the bench after going cold from three. Prepare for some pain, Knicks fans.

5:20 – Oh, sweet Jesus!! Roy does his best “MJ in the ’92 Finals, taking the ball away from Buck Williams and then finishing for an easy two” impression and energizes his team. And me. I’m energized as well, if you couldn’t tell.

5:26 – Malik Rose is (finally) whistled for the most egregious travel in the history of basketball. And here I thought that Malik Rose had been dead for like seven years. Huh. I guess you learn something new everyday.

5:29 – Back-to-back hoops by Roy makes the score 42-41, New York. It’s fun to watch him take over games, isn’t it? Sucks to be a Knicks fan right now. There’s no way we’re losing this game.

5:33 – Clyde Frazier sighting!!! Looks like all that Just for Men is really doing the trick. Hey, where’s Keith Hernandez and Emmitt Smith? I’m just kidding. I love Clyde.

5:34 – MAKE AN ASSESSMENT!!!! Greg’s second rejection of the evening comes at the expense of poor little David Lee. Get that boy a mouth of Bailey’s to soothe the fiery sting of that fearsome swat job. Mmmm. Creamy. Creamy beige.

5:36 – Mike Rice refers to Nicolas’ penetration and dish as “super.” Draw your own conclusions.

5:39 – Rice pronounces cognizant as “cog-uh-nuh-zent.” He’s on a roll. Can’t we get him some coffee, or something? Or, like, a cold shower during halftime? Something. Anything. I’m begging you.

5:40 – Lee tips in a missed shot to end the half 51-49, Knicks. We’re still playing like garbage for the most part, and we’re only down two. I have high hopes for the second half.

5:47 – Lakers and Pacers are tied at 84 in the third quarter. Do I smell an upset brewing in…um…wait, where do the Pacers play again? Indianapolis? It has to be Indianapolis, right?

5:50 – Michel and Tony are in top form tonight, guys. At least half of the halftime “analysis” is a blatant Brandon Roy love-fest, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Tell me you wouldn’t party with these guys.

5:55 – Huge discrepancy in free throw attempts in the first half (NY 17, Port. 8). The NBA: where incompetent officiating happens.

6:02 – With the second half well underway, Lee throws the ball away in the backcourt after securing a nice rebound. Well, you know, those things happen. I mean, it’s not like OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!! MIKE D’ANTONI IS A FURIOUS, SQUIRREL-FACED DEMON!!!

6:03 – I’M OLD GREGGGGG!!!!!!! Yeah. I finally got to yell it. Nice dunk, Greg.

6:11 – Ok, we are getting KILLED by Chris Duhon. What the EFFFF is going on, here? When did this happen? How did Chris Duhon suddenly become an assists machine and an unstoppable scorer in the paint? Oh my God! He’s even hitting 18-foot jumpers! I’m pretty sure this is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Just let me check my Bible, here. Yep, see, it’s right before the locusts, but right after the week of darkness. Chris Duhon? Come on!

6:13 – Stevesie nails a three to stop the bleeding, but ol’ Mr. Raisin Head the Second spoils it at the other end by answering right back with a triple of his own. I’m really getting tired of Al Harrington, if you hadn’t noticed. And if you didn’t know, Shane Battier is the original and irreplaceable Mr. Raisin Head. Knowledge is power.

6:21 – COLLOSSAL rejection by Travis closes out a largely pathetic third quarter for the Blazers. Knicks lead 75-71.

6:26 – As the final quarter begins, Rudy “Cosas Buenas” Fernandez emasculates Duhon by shaking and baking his way into a step-back three from 24 feet out. Nice things, indeed.

6:29 – In the play of the game, PrzybillaMonster sends Harrington’s business right back in his grill, followed immediately by a Fernandez triple in transition. Al, listen to me carefully. Do not ever, under any circumstances, EVER attempt to dunk on the Vanilla Gorilla ever again. You have brought shame to your house.

6:30 – Turns out LaMarcus was the answer to the trivia question. So I was half right. I’m getting myself a scoop of ice cream as a reward.

6:36 – HORRIFYING no call against Tim Thomas, followed by a Stevie Wonder foul on the other end in transition, setting up Duhon for three the hard way. He sinks the free throw, and it’s a five point swing. They really don’t want us to win this one, guys. I mean, Thomas MAULED Rudy. Hacked him across both arms with extreme prejudice. You couldn’t have missed that call if you were watching the game from Mars. I’m so disgusted that I’m going to get another scoop of ice cream, just to make myself feel better. Hold tight. I’ll be right back.

6:39 – Quentin Richardson has either been hit in the face or poked in the eye. Either way, I’m smiling.

6:41 – Rice makes a pun about NY Giants tight end Kevin Boss’ girlfriend being a “good catch.” You know. Like the catch he made in the Superbowl to help put away the Patriots? Get it?

6:42 – Hey! How about this? Maybe Mike should just drink more, you know? Maybe that’s the problem. He’s not drinking ENOUGH. Get him another banana daiquiri.

6:44 – After bloodying Lee’s lip while straight rejecting his weak-ass shot, Pryz tips in a Sergio miss on the offensive end. Joel might be my favorite player of all time. 94-87 Blazers with 2:55 to go.

6:47 – Nate removes the Monster from the game, and the Knicks immediately gallop down the lane and score from close range. Um, Nate? Uh…I mean, hey, you’re the boss…but, um….shouldn’t we have left Pryz in there?

6:49 – Brandon splits the double team and hits Trav in the corner for a huge three. Mike Rice might actually wet himself out of excitement. New York answers, making it 99-92, Blaze.

6:50 – Rudy hits a floater in the lane with 35 seconds to go. 101-92, Blazers. This one’s all over, baby.

FINAL SCORE:

Trailblazers 104
Knicks 97

A couple of closing thoughts before I wrap up this phenomenal waste of space:

1) Check out Stevesie’s BEARD, baby! Patchy brown. I like it.

2) LA eventually lost that close game in Indiana on a last-second tip-in from Troy Murphy. Looks like somebody told the Mamba about the Kobestoppers. I believe that’s what’s called the Intimidation Factor, gentlemen.

I’ll leave you all with a quote that pretty much sums up the X’s and O’s of why the Blazers came away with a tough win on the road tonight.

“We just put energy in the floor.” –Sergio Rodriguez

God bless English as a second language.