And not just for the normal reasons.
For some well-reasoned thoughts on Sunday's game, please head over to I Think I Know Now, the glorious and infallible blog of Kobestopper Theen.
4.23.2009
Wed/Thurs: Four games you might not care about
What's up, maniacs? Cool, cool. Oh, what's up with me? Oh, nothing really. Well, I mean, I was on the verge of beating Super Star Wars on SNES today until my roommate's cat "accidentally" stepped on the reset button, but...yeah. OK, I'm just going to get to the game notes before I divulge exactly how I decided to murder Mr. Whiskers...
Wednesday
Heat at Hawks: Game 2, Atlanta leads 1-0
- Oh my God. They have a LIVE HAWK chained to some guard rail on the lower level. Is that allowed? Aren't there regulations against -- OH MY GOD IT'S F***ING LOOSE. Spirit the Falcon has now attached himself to the basket support behind the glass. What is going on? Don't they have to stop play because of this? How is this safe? Couldn't he -- OK NOW HE'S PERCHED ON ONE OF TNT'S CAMERAS. Will somebody take care of this, please? Oh my God, now the bird is actually DIVE BOMBING the playing surface, and....and...Danny Crawford is mildly amused??? Oh boy. The same cannot be said for Kenny Mauer. I pity that poor falconer.
- Did you guys like Erik Spoelstra in "The Guru" as much as I did?
- I just noticed Zaza Pachulia has the most epic back-acne I've ever seen. Dear God, TNT, cut away from it! Cut away!!!
- I want to see Mike Brown vs. Mike Woodson in a Mr. Potato Head Competition. My money's on Woodson. Joe, I know you're going to disagree, and I will gladly take your money.
- OK, you might wanna guard Dwyane Wade right about now. He's sort of destroying you and evening the seri -- annnnnd it's too late.
Hornets at Nuggets: Game 2, Denver leads 1-0
- PJ's sporting a yellow sportcoat/tie combo that would even make Jack Ramsay cringe. Yikes.
- Of course, it's hard to properly enjoy PJ's outfit when the audio and video aren't synched for the start of the game. TNT: We know five second delays on live sporting events.
- Matt Devlin: "And HERE. COMES. THE BIRDMAN!" Every time I see Andersen snarl, my ulcer eats through my stomach lining just a tiny bit more.
- Note to PJ: Clear your DAMN throat during the next commercial break. It's like listening to gravel being thrown into a wood chipper. Unless of course you're still suffering some ill effects from the Latrell Sprewell incident, in which case, my bad.
- If I have to watch one more ad for either "Meet the Browns" or "House of Payne," I swear to God I'm going to destroy my roommate's really, really expensive television.
- Birdman gathers a Billups miss and throws it down over two innocent Hornet bystanders as the Pepsi Center erupts. Hornets fans everywhere are frantically trying to come up with reasons not to pull a Chris Walken in "Deer Hunter."
- After an easy alley-oop from Paul to Chandler, George Karl makes his "Oh f***, I just saw my daughter on Girls Gone Wild" face.
- Rex Chapman in the booth! Represent! Wait, did he used to play basketball or something? The good news is, if he drops about 40 pounds, he could totally land a gig next to Berman and Golic on the NutriSystem commercials.
- I have to tell you guys, I absolutely adore "Dog the Bounty Hunter." I love his hair. I love his lady's enormous bust. I love his family of Hunters. I love that he loves Jesus and always gives the fugitives his life story when he brings them in. What? Oh, the game? Don't worry about it. It was over at halftime.
Thursday
Celtics at Bulls: Game 3, series tied 1-1
- Pierce is shredding the Bulls early. He’s five-for-five with 11 points, and we’re only six minutes into the game. How much longer can he keep this up before he needs a hip replacement and/or is committed to a mental institution? This type of intensity can’t be healthy. Look at KG, for God’s sake.
- What do you guys think Brad Miller’s maximum vertical leap is at this point? Four inches? Five? I think we need to have an Old Guy Combine so we can find these things out for certain. Outside of Miller’s vert, highlights would include Shaq’s baseline-to-baseline and Jason Kidd’s shuttle drill. And we could make it really interesting by applying side bets to each competition. Like, if Kidd doesn’t beat Collin Cowherd’s time, he has to retire. Tell me you wouldn’t watch this.
- Stretching the lead to 12, Rondo channels Bob Cousy and hits Cry Baby Davis down low for an easy two with a beautiful look-away bounce pass. Vinnie calls time to stop the bleeding (T-minus 18 minutes until total depletion of allowed timeouts!)
- Scalabrine sighting! That white-on-green number 44 has never looked so sexy. My God, it’s like Danny Ainge gained 200 pounds by eating nothing but corndogs and Velveeta. If Scalabrine’s nickname isn’t already The White Whale, it should be. They should make a bio-pic about Scalabrine called My Big Fat Pale Ugly Worthless Basketball Player.
- Wow, while I was ranting, it seems Boston went up 59-37. Must be the Scalabrine factor.
- With Boston up 26 with 4:00 to play in the third, we are treated to a Tim Thomas Special. Here’s the rundown of events: Tim receives the ball with the shot clock winding down, takes a couple of complacent dribbles, jacks up a 20-footer that’s partially blocked by Baby Davis, falls to his backside, then, presumably to prevent the potentially deadly five-on-four advantage that Boston would have, fouls Rondo in the backcourt while still lying on the ground. I don’t even want to know many Chicago fans just screamed, “GOOD GOD, JUST GET UP OFF THE FLOOR YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!!” To any Bucks, Clippers or Suns fans who happen to be reading this right now, this is your cue to nod and smile. Tim Thomas, everybody!
- The lead is an even 30, and we have an ongoing battle of titans down on the block: Brian Scalabrine vs. Aaron Gray. If I had my way, this would be the UFC’s next main event. Can you even picture these two throwing down? It would finally answer the age-old question of “who would win if a 300-pound vanilla Snack Pack fought a goofy, effeminate polar bear?” I should probably stop watching this game now, huh?
Lakers at The Family Circus: Game 3, Lakers lead 2-0
- I feel like this picture speaks for itself:
In case you were wondering, I like the Lakers in 5. Two weeks ago, when Striker and I conceived of doing a potential playoff preview (you know, before we got lazy and abandoned the concept after we did two teams...) featuring the Family Cir...er...the Jazz, this is what we wrote:
Let's be honest here, the Jazz have been bitten by the injury bug as hard or harder than any other team in the Western Conference. First it was Deron Williams' ankle, then Boozer's knee, then Jeffy skinned his elbow, then Kirilenko, then PJ messed his diapers, then Boozer again, then Thelma caught a cold and couldn't watch the kids, even Millsap for a while. It wasn't until the last few weeks that the Jazz managed to field a full roster and they responded by posting a 12-game winning streak from mid February through March. Things were looking good in SLC.
And then they decided to visit the Rose Garden. Oops.
Hey, whose idea do you think it was to come to Portland? I bet it was Jeffy's. He's always getting into trouble without regard for potential consequences. It's OK, Jeffy, Gramps still loves you. Although actually, in Utah's Family Circus, Grandpa Sloan probably loves absolutely no one. That's not a knock on the players; that's just a comment on the frequency with which Jerry Sloan sports his "f*** my life, we just turned the ball over again" face, which to me indicates that he's a little frustrated with his team's inability to win on the road.
Now this doesn't mean that Grandpa Sloan doesn't care for his youngsters; it just means that he's a crazy, ancient, irritable sloth who wants things done his way. But those darned kids just won't listen to him. All they want to do is head on down to the Sugar Bowl and order double-scoop waffle cones that poor old Gramps will have to pay for. And all the while, he'll have to listen to Thelma's whiny, nasally exaggerations about how talented and precocious his team is on the inside.
Oh, Billy! You mispronounced spumoni! What a hilarious misunderstanding!
I'm not really sure what that has to do with anything at this point, but I figured it would give us all another excuse to laugh at the Jazz, so....you know, there it is.
- Back to the game, and I must admit that I love, love, LOVE the way Marv Albert says "Ariza." Try it out; it's fun. Trevorrrr UhhhhRRREEEEEEEZUHHHHH.
- I seem to have nodded off for the majority of the second quarter. I was awakened in the middle of the third period when Phil Jackson called a timeout. Now, I'll have to check my Bible, but I'm pretty sure that's one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse. Yep, never mind, pestilence is already riding out onto the court. We're all screwed.
- Wow, Jerry Sloan is actually giving Craig Sager a decent interview as the fourth quarter starts. That has to be the most informative, least "get the hell out of my face" in-game interview I've ever seen a coach give to a sideline reporter.
- Suddenly the Jazz are charging, and it's a three point game with 10 minutes to play. Don't go away on this one.
- Matt Harpring is tearing it UP. The brilliant strategist he is, Coach Jackson decides to remove Luke Walton from the game in favor of someone who can stay in front of Matt Harpring -- you know, like Bea Arthur.
- With Utah up three with 3:21 remaining, Deron Williams is called for an eight-second violation. Would you like me to repeat that, insane Jazz fans who still insist that D-Will is better than CP3? OK, fine. One play does not a season make, and Chris hasn't exactly been scorching against the Nugs, but I don't care. If I could pick one guy in the world to run my team from the point, it would be Chris Paul, and I have a feeling that just about everybody outside of Salt Lake City would agree with me.
- It would seem that the Mamba was only destined to strike at ninety-EIGHT percent accuracy and precision at maximum speed this evening. Hey, maybe this will turn into a series after all. Anything the Family Circus can do to tire the legs of LA before we face them in round two is fine by me.
That's all she wrote, maniacs. Start smearing on that war paint for tomorrow night.
Wednesday
Heat at Hawks: Game 2, Atlanta leads 1-0
- Oh my God. They have a LIVE HAWK chained to some guard rail on the lower level. Is that allowed? Aren't there regulations against -- OH MY GOD IT'S F***ING LOOSE. Spirit the Falcon has now attached himself to the basket support behind the glass. What is going on? Don't they have to stop play because of this? How is this safe? Couldn't he -- OK NOW HE'S PERCHED ON ONE OF TNT'S CAMERAS. Will somebody take care of this, please? Oh my God, now the bird is actually DIVE BOMBING the playing surface, and....and...Danny Crawford is mildly amused??? Oh boy. The same cannot be said for Kenny Mauer. I pity that poor falconer.
- Did you guys like Erik Spoelstra in "The Guru" as much as I did?
- I just noticed Zaza Pachulia has the most epic back-acne I've ever seen. Dear God, TNT, cut away from it! Cut away!!!
- I want to see Mike Brown vs. Mike Woodson in a Mr. Potato Head Competition. My money's on Woodson. Joe, I know you're going to disagree, and I will gladly take your money.
- OK, you might wanna guard Dwyane Wade right about now. He's sort of destroying you and evening the seri -- annnnnd it's too late.
Hornets at Nuggets: Game 2, Denver leads 1-0
- PJ's sporting a yellow sportcoat/tie combo that would even make Jack Ramsay cringe. Yikes.
- Of course, it's hard to properly enjoy PJ's outfit when the audio and video aren't synched for the start of the game. TNT: We know five second delays on live sporting events.
- Matt Devlin: "And HERE. COMES. THE BIRDMAN!" Every time I see Andersen snarl, my ulcer eats through my stomach lining just a tiny bit more.
- Note to PJ: Clear your DAMN throat during the next commercial break. It's like listening to gravel being thrown into a wood chipper. Unless of course you're still suffering some ill effects from the Latrell Sprewell incident, in which case, my bad.
- If I have to watch one more ad for either "Meet the Browns" or "House of Payne," I swear to God I'm going to destroy my roommate's really, really expensive television.
- Birdman gathers a Billups miss and throws it down over two innocent Hornet bystanders as the Pepsi Center erupts. Hornets fans everywhere are frantically trying to come up with reasons not to pull a Chris Walken in "Deer Hunter."
- After an easy alley-oop from Paul to Chandler, George Karl makes his "Oh f***, I just saw my daughter on Girls Gone Wild" face.
- Rex Chapman in the booth! Represent! Wait, did he used to play basketball or something? The good news is, if he drops about 40 pounds, he could totally land a gig next to Berman and Golic on the NutriSystem commercials.
- I have to tell you guys, I absolutely adore "Dog the Bounty Hunter." I love his hair. I love his lady's enormous bust. I love his family of Hunters. I love that he loves Jesus and always gives the fugitives his life story when he brings them in. What? Oh, the game? Don't worry about it. It was over at halftime.
Thursday
Celtics at Bulls: Game 3, series tied 1-1
- Pierce is shredding the Bulls early. He’s five-for-five with 11 points, and we’re only six minutes into the game. How much longer can he keep this up before he needs a hip replacement and/or is committed to a mental institution? This type of intensity can’t be healthy. Look at KG, for God’s sake.
- What do you guys think Brad Miller’s maximum vertical leap is at this point? Four inches? Five? I think we need to have an Old Guy Combine so we can find these things out for certain. Outside of Miller’s vert, highlights would include Shaq’s baseline-to-baseline and Jason Kidd’s shuttle drill. And we could make it really interesting by applying side bets to each competition. Like, if Kidd doesn’t beat Collin Cowherd’s time, he has to retire. Tell me you wouldn’t watch this.
- Stretching the lead to 12, Rondo channels Bob Cousy and hits Cry Baby Davis down low for an easy two with a beautiful look-away bounce pass. Vinnie calls time to stop the bleeding (T-minus 18 minutes until total depletion of allowed timeouts!)
- Scalabrine sighting! That white-on-green number 44 has never looked so sexy. My God, it’s like Danny Ainge gained 200 pounds by eating nothing but corndogs and Velveeta. If Scalabrine’s nickname isn’t already The White Whale, it should be. They should make a bio-pic about Scalabrine called My Big Fat Pale Ugly Worthless Basketball Player.
- Wow, while I was ranting, it seems Boston went up 59-37. Must be the Scalabrine factor.
- With Boston up 26 with 4:00 to play in the third, we are treated to a Tim Thomas Special. Here’s the rundown of events: Tim receives the ball with the shot clock winding down, takes a couple of complacent dribbles, jacks up a 20-footer that’s partially blocked by Baby Davis, falls to his backside, then, presumably to prevent the potentially deadly five-on-four advantage that Boston would have, fouls Rondo in the backcourt while still lying on the ground. I don’t even want to know many Chicago fans just screamed, “GOOD GOD, JUST GET UP OFF THE FLOOR YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!!” To any Bucks, Clippers or Suns fans who happen to be reading this right now, this is your cue to nod and smile. Tim Thomas, everybody!
- The lead is an even 30, and we have an ongoing battle of titans down on the block: Brian Scalabrine vs. Aaron Gray. If I had my way, this would be the UFC’s next main event. Can you even picture these two throwing down? It would finally answer the age-old question of “who would win if a 300-pound vanilla Snack Pack fought a goofy, effeminate polar bear?” I should probably stop watching this game now, huh?
Lakers at The Family Circus: Game 3, Lakers lead 2-0
- I feel like this picture speaks for itself:
In case you were wondering, I like the Lakers in 5. Two weeks ago, when Striker and I conceived of doing a potential playoff preview (you know, before we got lazy and abandoned the concept after we did two teams...) featuring the Family Cir...er...the Jazz, this is what we wrote:Let's be honest here, the Jazz have been bitten by the injury bug as hard or harder than any other team in the Western Conference. First it was Deron Williams' ankle, then Boozer's knee, then Jeffy skinned his elbow, then Kirilenko, then PJ messed his diapers, then Boozer again, then Thelma caught a cold and couldn't watch the kids, even Millsap for a while. It wasn't until the last few weeks that the Jazz managed to field a full roster and they responded by posting a 12-game winning streak from mid February through March. Things were looking good in SLC.
And then they decided to visit the Rose Garden. Oops.
Hey, whose idea do you think it was to come to Portland? I bet it was Jeffy's. He's always getting into trouble without regard for potential consequences. It's OK, Jeffy, Gramps still loves you. Although actually, in Utah's Family Circus, Grandpa Sloan probably loves absolutely no one. That's not a knock on the players; that's just a comment on the frequency with which Jerry Sloan sports his "f*** my life, we just turned the ball over again" face, which to me indicates that he's a little frustrated with his team's inability to win on the road.
Now this doesn't mean that Grandpa Sloan doesn't care for his youngsters; it just means that he's a crazy, ancient, irritable sloth who wants things done his way. But those darned kids just won't listen to him. All they want to do is head on down to the Sugar Bowl and order double-scoop waffle cones that poor old Gramps will have to pay for. And all the while, he'll have to listen to Thelma's whiny, nasally exaggerations about how talented and precocious his team is on the inside.
Oh, Billy! You mispronounced spumoni! What a hilarious misunderstanding!
I'm not really sure what that has to do with anything at this point, but I figured it would give us all another excuse to laugh at the Jazz, so....you know, there it is.
- Back to the game, and I must admit that I love, love, LOVE the way Marv Albert says "Ariza." Try it out; it's fun. Trevorrrr UhhhhRRREEEEEEEZUHHHHH.
- I seem to have nodded off for the majority of the second quarter. I was awakened in the middle of the third period when Phil Jackson called a timeout. Now, I'll have to check my Bible, but I'm pretty sure that's one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse. Yep, never mind, pestilence is already riding out onto the court. We're all screwed.
- Wow, Jerry Sloan is actually giving Craig Sager a decent interview as the fourth quarter starts. That has to be the most informative, least "get the hell out of my face" in-game interview I've ever seen a coach give to a sideline reporter.
- Suddenly the Jazz are charging, and it's a three point game with 10 minutes to play. Don't go away on this one.
- Matt Harpring is tearing it UP. The brilliant strategist he is, Coach Jackson decides to remove Luke Walton from the game in favor of someone who can stay in front of Matt Harpring -- you know, like Bea Arthur.
- With Utah up three with 3:21 remaining, Deron Williams is called for an eight-second violation. Would you like me to repeat that, insane Jazz fans who still insist that D-Will is better than CP3? OK, fine. One play does not a season make, and Chris hasn't exactly been scorching against the Nugs, but I don't care. If I could pick one guy in the world to run my team from the point, it would be Chris Paul, and I have a feeling that just about everybody outside of Salt Lake City would agree with me.
- It would seem that the Mamba was only destined to strike at ninety-EIGHT percent accuracy and precision at maximum speed this evening. Hey, maybe this will turn into a series after all. Anything the Family Circus can do to tire the legs of LA before we face them in round two is fine by me.
That's all she wrote, maniacs. Start smearing on that war paint for tomorrow night.
4.22.2009
Tuesday: Hail to The King - The Natural
It was prophesied by the ancient ones that one day a savior would descend upon Rip City from the uncharted northern territories to deliver them from the darkness that had devoured their once prosperous land. It was said that this Warrior of Time would possess the strength of 10,000 mortal men and wield strange magic capable of defeating any foe. Citizens of Portland, the time of deliverance is upon you. For the one they call Roy has fulfilled his destiny. I give you The Natural:
Game 2 was a dogfight. Houston fought us tooth-and-nail for 48 minutes, but each time they made a push, Brandon whipped out his shotgun and his chainsaw and started screaming, "Okay....who wants some? HUH? How about you? YOU want a little? HUH???? HUH???!!!!"
I can't wait to bounce somebody else's grandchild on my knee and tell them about the time Brandon Roy put the team on his back and scored 42 points to even the series at a game a piece. I'm positively giddy about the fact that I now have new Blazers stories to tell. I couldn't be happier with how Brandon stepped up and hit big shot after big shot, despite getting virtually no whistles at the rim.
That said, it wasn't ALL about Brandon last night (only 80-85% about Brandon, I'd say), which is why I have a few game notes for all you maniacs:
- I gotta show LMA some love. Way to step your game up, big man. I was begging for that fade-away over the right shoulder all during Game 1, since Scola was clogging up the lane so nicely. The L-Train did not disappoint, rolling for 27 and 12 on 11 for 19 shooting. The scoring was nice, but the rebounding was huge. Without that effort, Houston definitely wins the rebounding battle and possibly steals the game.
- Joey Crawford gives calls to the road team out of spite. I think he's obsessed with proving that he doesn't feel pressure from the fans to make calls for the home team. I'm convinced of this, so don't try to tell me any different. I will hear no more arguments.
- In a battle of Old Lion vs. Old Lion, Greg asserted his dominance as the oldest player on the court and snatched the cobweb-covered torch from the worn and wrinkly hands of Dikembe Mutombo. In all seriousness, it's really unfortunate that Dikembe went down like that. He's done a ton for the game and a ton for his country. He exemplifies everything that a pro athlete should be. You know when a guy goes down and every one of his teammates runs out to check on him that the injured player is important to his team. Dikembe has said that he will need surgery and that his playing days are over. What a shame. Thanks for the memories, big man. I, for one, will be extremely disappointed if you are not courtside for next year's All-Star Weekend.
- Derrick Stafford, you are a prince. Your whistle was the second most important factor in keeping us in that game next to Brandon being the new Jesus.
- When Brandon hit that three-pointer to close out the first quarter, I stood up and started screaming profanity without discretion at Ron Artest. Seriously you guys, I'm pretty sure half the stuff I yelled isn't even in Webster's Cursing Dictionary. So, you know, don't let me hang out with your kids, I guess.
- I was loving the Twin Towers for all THREE MINUTES they were allowed to be on the floor at the same time. What a joke. My good friend, Mambasucker T, informed me earlier today that Houston fans were actually complaining about the officiating being unfair to Yao. To that, I will say this: Greg fouled out for playing the EXACT same type of defense as The Great Wall, whereas Yao could have pulled a gun, taken four spectators hostage and executed one of them at midcourt, all while spraying bullets at anything in a white jersey, and he wouldn't have picked up that fifth foul. So just shut up, OK?
- I liked the energy Rudy brought to the floor. I would really like to see him running off more picks away from the ball. It seems to me that Houston is excellent at packing the middle and playing on-ball defense. Away from the ball, however, shooters are getting free. Rudy found some gold coming off of picks, as did The Natural. I hope to see much more movement away from the ball so that Brandon doesn't have to do an MJ impression every night in order for us to win.
- We were finally able to run against this team, and it payed off big time. No doubt that we have a much easier time scoring after a defensive board than when we're constantly pulling the ball out of our own net. Houston is so physical on D that it helps to have a little chaos in the half court, which is exactly what happens after a failed fast break attempt. In other words, most of the time we get a better look in the halfcourt after we don't score on the break as opposed to walking it up. The moral of the story? Defense leads to offense.
- Houston is making a lot of difficult shots, especially AB and RonRon. Don't get me wrong, both are getting plenty of good looks at the rim, but there are also a fair share of shots that probably make Rick Adelman want to pull that goatee right off his face. Both of these guys are playing at a high level right now, but those off-balance jumpers that hang on the rim for seven seconds can't continue to go in with the frequency they have for the first two games. They're going to have an off shooting night at least once while they're at home. When that happens, we've got to seize the moment and step on their throat.
- I've also heard some clamoring from the other side that Pryz is a flopper. You know what, Rockets fans? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Scola and Yao put on Oscar-worthy performances every night they hit the hardwood, so don't start crying about Pryz drawing Yao's fourth foul with that Barry Horowitz-level sell job.
- Finally, I've been a little disappointed that Young Nicolas hasn't affected the series more. RonRon had a huge first quarter on Tuesday and got plenty of good looks in Game 1. Maybe we need to see The Dragon Emperor covering Brooks in Game 3, with Brandon defending Artest? No matter how you slice it, these Rockets are scoring effectively against our D. Come on Nicky, I want to see you flying around out there like a wasp on crystal meth. Steals, blocks, hands in faces, transition threes, whatever you can do to make a difference. It's time for Boom Boom Batum to make some noise.
That's all we got for you, maniacs. Check back for more playoff coverage as it develops, and keep the faith. Friday, we shake up the world.
Game 2 was a dogfight. Houston fought us tooth-and-nail for 48 minutes, but each time they made a push, Brandon whipped out his shotgun and his chainsaw and started screaming, "Okay....who wants some? HUH? How about you? YOU want a little? HUH???? HUH???!!!!"
I can't wait to bounce somebody else's grandchild on my knee and tell them about the time Brandon Roy put the team on his back and scored 42 points to even the series at a game a piece. I'm positively giddy about the fact that I now have new Blazers stories to tell. I couldn't be happier with how Brandon stepped up and hit big shot after big shot, despite getting virtually no whistles at the rim.
That said, it wasn't ALL about Brandon last night (only 80-85% about Brandon, I'd say), which is why I have a few game notes for all you maniacs:
- I gotta show LMA some love. Way to step your game up, big man. I was begging for that fade-away over the right shoulder all during Game 1, since Scola was clogging up the lane so nicely. The L-Train did not disappoint, rolling for 27 and 12 on 11 for 19 shooting. The scoring was nice, but the rebounding was huge. Without that effort, Houston definitely wins the rebounding battle and possibly steals the game.
- Joey Crawford gives calls to the road team out of spite. I think he's obsessed with proving that he doesn't feel pressure from the fans to make calls for the home team. I'm convinced of this, so don't try to tell me any different. I will hear no more arguments.
- In a battle of Old Lion vs. Old Lion, Greg asserted his dominance as the oldest player on the court and snatched the cobweb-covered torch from the worn and wrinkly hands of Dikembe Mutombo. In all seriousness, it's really unfortunate that Dikembe went down like that. He's done a ton for the game and a ton for his country. He exemplifies everything that a pro athlete should be. You know when a guy goes down and every one of his teammates runs out to check on him that the injured player is important to his team. Dikembe has said that he will need surgery and that his playing days are over. What a shame. Thanks for the memories, big man. I, for one, will be extremely disappointed if you are not courtside for next year's All-Star Weekend.
- Derrick Stafford, you are a prince. Your whistle was the second most important factor in keeping us in that game next to Brandon being the new Jesus.
- When Brandon hit that three-pointer to close out the first quarter, I stood up and started screaming profanity without discretion at Ron Artest. Seriously you guys, I'm pretty sure half the stuff I yelled isn't even in Webster's Cursing Dictionary. So, you know, don't let me hang out with your kids, I guess.
- I was loving the Twin Towers for all THREE MINUTES they were allowed to be on the floor at the same time. What a joke. My good friend, Mambasucker T, informed me earlier today that Houston fans were actually complaining about the officiating being unfair to Yao. To that, I will say this: Greg fouled out for playing the EXACT same type of defense as The Great Wall, whereas Yao could have pulled a gun, taken four spectators hostage and executed one of them at midcourt, all while spraying bullets at anything in a white jersey, and he wouldn't have picked up that fifth foul. So just shut up, OK?
- I liked the energy Rudy brought to the floor. I would really like to see him running off more picks away from the ball. It seems to me that Houston is excellent at packing the middle and playing on-ball defense. Away from the ball, however, shooters are getting free. Rudy found some gold coming off of picks, as did The Natural. I hope to see much more movement away from the ball so that Brandon doesn't have to do an MJ impression every night in order for us to win.
- We were finally able to run against this team, and it payed off big time. No doubt that we have a much easier time scoring after a defensive board than when we're constantly pulling the ball out of our own net. Houston is so physical on D that it helps to have a little chaos in the half court, which is exactly what happens after a failed fast break attempt. In other words, most of the time we get a better look in the halfcourt after we don't score on the break as opposed to walking it up. The moral of the story? Defense leads to offense.
- Houston is making a lot of difficult shots, especially AB and RonRon. Don't get me wrong, both are getting plenty of good looks at the rim, but there are also a fair share of shots that probably make Rick Adelman want to pull that goatee right off his face. Both of these guys are playing at a high level right now, but those off-balance jumpers that hang on the rim for seven seconds can't continue to go in with the frequency they have for the first two games. They're going to have an off shooting night at least once while they're at home. When that happens, we've got to seize the moment and step on their throat.
- I've also heard some clamoring from the other side that Pryz is a flopper. You know what, Rockets fans? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Scola and Yao put on Oscar-worthy performances every night they hit the hardwood, so don't start crying about Pryz drawing Yao's fourth foul with that Barry Horowitz-level sell job.
- Finally, I've been a little disappointed that Young Nicolas hasn't affected the series more. RonRon had a huge first quarter on Tuesday and got plenty of good looks in Game 1. Maybe we need to see The Dragon Emperor covering Brooks in Game 3, with Brandon defending Artest? No matter how you slice it, these Rockets are scoring effectively against our D. Come on Nicky, I want to see you flying around out there like a wasp on crystal meth. Steals, blocks, hands in faces, transition threes, whatever you can do to make a difference. It's time for Boom Boom Batum to make some noise.
That's all we got for you, maniacs. Check back for more playoff coverage as it develops, and keep the faith. Friday, we shake up the world.
4.21.2009
Monday: Celts, Spurs fire back
What better way to kill time waiting for Tuesday than to watch some hoops on Monday? Let's not waste any time and get right to my game logs.
Bulls at Celtics
- The first quarter comes to a close. Cue "Thunderstruck." Why is TNT so desperate for their audience to be middle-aged white men? Crank. Dat. Souljah. BOI.
- Jada Pinkett Smith Smith as a sexy, compassionate nurse who bends all those bureaucratic hospital rules to help her patients????? Why, that sounds like the most original idea for a TV series that I've ever heard. Sign me up RIGHT NOW.
- Mikki Moore's hair makes him look like a super tall, gangly, black John Travolta in "Battlefield Earth."
- Both Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins are insisting on referring to Lindsay Hunter as Lindsay LEE Hunter. Like that's going to make us forget that he's both bad at basketball and is the only dude in the room who turns his head when you say, "Hey, Lindsey." Right.
- Watch the guy on the left.
- Wow, I have to admit. I am impressed. Kevin Garnett is absolutely giving Dikembe Mutombo a run for the money in the Sideline Cheerleader department. TNT just held a 17-second shot of KG calmly talk-shouting something into Mikki Moore's ear from roughly one inch away. I can only assume he was telling Mikki that mercy is for the weak and instructing him to sweep somebody's leg. Wow.
- OK, that Popeye's commercial was slightly less racist than Fuzzy Zoeller but slightly more racist than OJ's TIME cover.
- Charles sticking his tongue out like Jabba the Hutt at halftime was the stuff of legend. Now we KNOW who's bringing sexy back.
- I swear to God, KG's head is going to explode, "Scanners" style.
- "Ben Gordon is a flame thrower!" Well put, Kev. As an added bonus, we got to see Ben make that little monocle gesture and say the word "motherf***er" in super slo-mo as we went to commercial.
- Great shot by Ben Gordon. Great shot by Ray Allen. Great job by Vinnie Del Negro to be out of timeouts at the end of two straight playoff games. Give yourselves a round of applause, gang!
Mavs at Spurs
- It's official. Marty Snider is the heir apparent to Craig Sager. Good Lord.
- Who else misses the Alamo Dome? We all need a little more hot pink and turquoise in our lives if you ask me.
- Shot clock violation on Dallas. Coach Carrey makes the same face he did in "Liar Liar" when Audrey tried to take Max away to live in Boston with Carey Elwes.
- Pop is so angry with Bruce Bowen after two missed assignments that his beard spontaneously combusts into flame, reducing his once-glorious mane to mere ash. The viewing public rejoices.
- In case you were wondering, yes, Drew Gooden still sucks.
- Bowen nails a corner three. Honestly, the dude is dangerous from ONE SPOT on the floor. How do you lose him??? Are you wearing blinders? Have you been drinking? Are you Stephon Marbury?
- Just as I come to the conclusion that Roger "Clarence" Mason has turned into a quite a good role player, I notice that this game has gotten uglier than Kurt Thomas and decide to flip on over to "Mythbusters."
- Oh my freaking God, you guys. They're building a f***ing speedboat out of nothing but ice and newspaper. I'm not even joking.
That's it for now, maniacs. Before I go, though, I want to extend some sincere well wishes to Chuck Daly. You're a hell of a coach, Chuck, and I wish you a speedy recovery.
Hope Houston is ready for a fight, because I have a feeling we are...
Bulls at Celtics
- The first quarter comes to a close. Cue "Thunderstruck." Why is TNT so desperate for their audience to be middle-aged white men? Crank. Dat. Souljah. BOI.
- Jada Pinkett Smith Smith as a sexy, compassionate nurse who bends all those bureaucratic hospital rules to help her patients????? Why, that sounds like the most original idea for a TV series that I've ever heard. Sign me up RIGHT NOW.
- Mikki Moore's hair makes him look like a super tall, gangly, black John Travolta in "Battlefield Earth."
- Both Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins are insisting on referring to Lindsay Hunter as Lindsay LEE Hunter. Like that's going to make us forget that he's both bad at basketball and is the only dude in the room who turns his head when you say, "Hey, Lindsey." Right.
- Watch the guy on the left.
- Wow, I have to admit. I am impressed. Kevin Garnett is absolutely giving Dikembe Mutombo a run for the money in the Sideline Cheerleader department. TNT just held a 17-second shot of KG calmly talk-shouting something into Mikki Moore's ear from roughly one inch away. I can only assume he was telling Mikki that mercy is for the weak and instructing him to sweep somebody's leg. Wow.
- OK, that Popeye's commercial was slightly less racist than Fuzzy Zoeller but slightly more racist than OJ's TIME cover.
- Charles sticking his tongue out like Jabba the Hutt at halftime was the stuff of legend. Now we KNOW who's bringing sexy back.
- I swear to God, KG's head is going to explode, "Scanners" style.
- "Ben Gordon is a flame thrower!" Well put, Kev. As an added bonus, we got to see Ben make that little monocle gesture and say the word "motherf***er" in super slo-mo as we went to commercial.
- Great shot by Ben Gordon. Great shot by Ray Allen. Great job by Vinnie Del Negro to be out of timeouts at the end of two straight playoff games. Give yourselves a round of applause, gang!
Mavs at Spurs
- It's official. Marty Snider is the heir apparent to Craig Sager. Good Lord.
- Who else misses the Alamo Dome? We all need a little more hot pink and turquoise in our lives if you ask me.
- Shot clock violation on Dallas. Coach Carrey makes the same face he did in "Liar Liar" when Audrey tried to take Max away to live in Boston with Carey Elwes.
- Pop is so angry with Bruce Bowen after two missed assignments that his beard spontaneously combusts into flame, reducing his once-glorious mane to mere ash. The viewing public rejoices.
- In case you were wondering, yes, Drew Gooden still sucks.
- Bowen nails a corner three. Honestly, the dude is dangerous from ONE SPOT on the floor. How do you lose him??? Are you wearing blinders? Have you been drinking? Are you Stephon Marbury?
- Just as I come to the conclusion that Roger "Clarence" Mason has turned into a quite a good role player, I notice that this game has gotten uglier than Kurt Thomas and decide to flip on over to "Mythbusters."
- Oh my freaking God, you guys. They're building a f***ing speedboat out of nothing but ice and newspaper. I'm not even joking.
That's it for now, maniacs. Before I go, though, I want to extend some sincere well wishes to Chuck Daly. You're a hell of a coach, Chuck, and I wish you a speedy recovery.
Hope Houston is ready for a fight, because I have a feeling we are...
4.20.2009
Mamba invades NBA Playoff Sunday
In an effort to distract myself from what transpired on Saturday night, I've decided to share my notes from Sunday's playoff games with you fine folks. Prepare to snicker like you've never snickered before. Up first:
Jazz at KOBE
- "The time I realized I was better than everyone else was my senior year of high school." Wow, Kobe, I never would have thought that about you. I mean, you do such a great job of hiding how great you think you are. YOU ARE THE KANYE WEST OF BALLPLAYERS. Ten-to-one says that Kobe dances to "Goodbye Horses" in front of a full body mirror like Buffalo Bill before every game.
- Nine straight points by Utah coming out of the half, and still Phil Jackson refuses to call timeout. You know, there's something endearing about his stubbornly hands-off approach to coaching. Even when Rambis was filling in for him, no timeouts were called. It's like Phil was lying there with his leg all swollen, going over the game plan with Kurt, and he instructed him to never ask for time. Rambis is all worried about getting Kobe enough touches and how many minutes he should play Bynum, and Phil is like, "No. F***ing. TIMEOUTS. Got it?"
- Mark my words: AK-47 can still be a dangerous player for somebody, especially since nobody's going to pay him when his contract expires in two years. I have a feeling that some team is going to steal him off the wire for dirt cheap in 2011. That is, if he doesn't get traded before that and experience his resurgence just in time to sign another huge contract. The NBA: where trying hard during contract years happens.
- "Mama, there goes that man." You guys couldn't see it, but Mark Jackson just made that little cross with his forearms from the broadcast booth when he said that. Sick dunk by the Mamba, though. I gotta admit.
- Also, as a little bonus, that clip depicts Deron Williams earning the Jazz a moral victory by denying those soulless Laker fans free tacos. Also, the Jazz came back and kept it competitive enough to make Phil play Kobe in the fourth quarter. Good stuff.
76ers at Magic
- Why do networks insist on hiring the WORST coaches as color commentators? I mean, I realize that typically the bad coaches are the ones in the unemployment line, but PJ Carlesimo? Really? You couldn't find Brian Hill's number in the ol' Rolodex, huh?
- Actually, never mind. PJ just said, "Not in my hood!" after Dwight Howard swatted Andre Igoudala. I love him now.
- Tony DiLeo is pulling out what little hair he has left after his team allowed Humpty Dumpty Anothony Johnson to go coast-to-coast for a dunk. On the plus side, we all learned that Anthony Johnson is capable of dunking a basketball today. Sources informed me that Otis Smith had to be restrained so he wouldn't sign Johnson to a six-year, $90 million deal.
- Hmmmm...there must be some mistake. I see JJ Redick on the floor. Um, Stan? It's only an 11-point game. You might want to hold off on giving your ball boy minutes until you've regained a little more momen -- oh, never mind. You lost.
Heat at Hawks
- *Insert mandatory "Erik Spoelstra looks like he's going to a middle school dance" joke here.*
- Looks like Cheryl Miller has recovered from her street brawl with Scot Pollard. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed that the situation didn't escalate further than it did. I would pay SO MUCH MONEY to see them go at in in Thunderdome. Man, I wish they had played that game of one-on-one. What if Pollard just backed her down and shot layups all day? There's no way she could stop that. I want Scot Pollard to become the Andy Kaufman of one-on-one hoops. I can just see him building himself a belt out of cardboard and Bedazzler rhinestones that reads "World Intergender Basketball Champion." Then, out of nowhere, Reggie busts onto the set to defend his big sister's honor by challenging Pollard. Incredulous, Pollard hisses like Gollum and shouts, "I do not play against MEN!!!" Tell me you wouldn't watch that.
- Yeah, um, sombody might want to put a body on Josh Smith around the basket. Might be helpful.
- Considering the game was a curb-stomping, I switched over to G4 and caught a couple episodes of "Human Wrecking Balls." Could you have guessed that in the Man vs. Airplane and Man vs. Office Building competitions that Man would kick ass BOTH TIMES???? I love this show.
- Another advantage to watching G4? I was bombarded by a mind-numbingly idiotic debate about whether robots or zombies would be first to take over the world. Clearly, the answer is robots.
Hornets at Nuggets
- I want to see Antonio Daniels face off against George Hill in the World Series of Inadequate Backup Point Guards. I'm taking Hill as a slight favorite. I think he's just a TINY bit more worthless than Daniels.
- Chauncy vs. CP3 is going to give Rose vs. Rondo a run for the money. I love the playoffs.
- If Chandler and Birdman don't come to blows at least once during this series, I'm chalking it up as a disappointment.
- JR Smith just hit the lane out of control and threw the ball to somebody in the third row, causing George Karl to make his "Hooo boy, I should NOT have ordered that jambalaya" face.
- With the game well out of hand, JR hits another heavily contested shot and begins screaming like a mad man. I do not know exactly what he was saying, but I know that it was definitely profanity-laced. The NBA: It's for the children.
That's all for now, maniacs, but there's plenty more where that came from. So make sure to keep on coming back to Uncle George's Jambalaya Hut for all the worthless, snarky playoff coverage you can fit on your plate.
Jazz at KOBE
- "The time I realized I was better than everyone else was my senior year of high school." Wow, Kobe, I never would have thought that about you. I mean, you do such a great job of hiding how great you think you are. YOU ARE THE KANYE WEST OF BALLPLAYERS. Ten-to-one says that Kobe dances to "Goodbye Horses" in front of a full body mirror like Buffalo Bill before every game.
- Nine straight points by Utah coming out of the half, and still Phil Jackson refuses to call timeout. You know, there's something endearing about his stubbornly hands-off approach to coaching. Even when Rambis was filling in for him, no timeouts were called. It's like Phil was lying there with his leg all swollen, going over the game plan with Kurt, and he instructed him to never ask for time. Rambis is all worried about getting Kobe enough touches and how many minutes he should play Bynum, and Phil is like, "No. F***ing. TIMEOUTS. Got it?"
- Mark my words: AK-47 can still be a dangerous player for somebody, especially since nobody's going to pay him when his contract expires in two years. I have a feeling that some team is going to steal him off the wire for dirt cheap in 2011. That is, if he doesn't get traded before that and experience his resurgence just in time to sign another huge contract. The NBA: where trying hard during contract years happens.
- "Mama, there goes that man." You guys couldn't see it, but Mark Jackson just made that little cross with his forearms from the broadcast booth when he said that. Sick dunk by the Mamba, though. I gotta admit.
- Also, as a little bonus, that clip depicts Deron Williams earning the Jazz a moral victory by denying those soulless Laker fans free tacos. Also, the Jazz came back and kept it competitive enough to make Phil play Kobe in the fourth quarter. Good stuff.
76ers at Magic
- Why do networks insist on hiring the WORST coaches as color commentators? I mean, I realize that typically the bad coaches are the ones in the unemployment line, but PJ Carlesimo? Really? You couldn't find Brian Hill's number in the ol' Rolodex, huh?
- Actually, never mind. PJ just said, "Not in my hood!" after Dwight Howard swatted Andre Igoudala. I love him now.
- Tony DiLeo is pulling out what little hair he has left after his team allowed Humpty Dumpty Anothony Johnson to go coast-to-coast for a dunk. On the plus side, we all learned that Anthony Johnson is capable of dunking a basketball today. Sources informed me that Otis Smith had to be restrained so he wouldn't sign Johnson to a six-year, $90 million deal.
- Hmmmm...there must be some mistake. I see JJ Redick on the floor. Um, Stan? It's only an 11-point game. You might want to hold off on giving your ball boy minutes until you've regained a little more momen -- oh, never mind. You lost.
Heat at Hawks
- *Insert mandatory "Erik Spoelstra looks like he's going to a middle school dance" joke here.*
- Looks like Cheryl Miller has recovered from her street brawl with Scot Pollard. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed that the situation didn't escalate further than it did. I would pay SO MUCH MONEY to see them go at in in Thunderdome. Man, I wish they had played that game of one-on-one. What if Pollard just backed her down and shot layups all day? There's no way she could stop that. I want Scot Pollard to become the Andy Kaufman of one-on-one hoops. I can just see him building himself a belt out of cardboard and Bedazzler rhinestones that reads "World Intergender Basketball Champion." Then, out of nowhere, Reggie busts onto the set to defend his big sister's honor by challenging Pollard. Incredulous, Pollard hisses like Gollum and shouts, "I do not play against MEN!!!" Tell me you wouldn't watch that.
- Yeah, um, sombody might want to put a body on Josh Smith around the basket. Might be helpful.
- Considering the game was a curb-stomping, I switched over to G4 and caught a couple episodes of "Human Wrecking Balls." Could you have guessed that in the Man vs. Airplane and Man vs. Office Building competitions that Man would kick ass BOTH TIMES???? I love this show.
- Another advantage to watching G4? I was bombarded by a mind-numbingly idiotic debate about whether robots or zombies would be first to take over the world. Clearly, the answer is robots.
Hornets at Nuggets
- I want to see Antonio Daniels face off against George Hill in the World Series of Inadequate Backup Point Guards. I'm taking Hill as a slight favorite. I think he's just a TINY bit more worthless than Daniels.
- Chauncy vs. CP3 is going to give Rose vs. Rondo a run for the money. I love the playoffs.
- If Chandler and Birdman don't come to blows at least once during this series, I'm chalking it up as a disappointment.
- JR Smith just hit the lane out of control and threw the ball to somebody in the third row, causing George Karl to make his "Hooo boy, I should NOT have ordered that jambalaya" face.
- With the game well out of hand, JR hits another heavily contested shot and begins screaming like a mad man. I do not know exactly what he was saying, but I know that it was definitely profanity-laced. The NBA: It's for the children.
That's all for now, maniacs, but there's plenty more where that came from. So make sure to keep on coming back to Uncle George's Jambalaya Hut for all the worthless, snarky playoff coverage you can fit on your plate.
4.19.2009
Trail of Tears: NBA Playoff Saturday
In hindsight, I guess it could have been worse.
Brandon's skull could have bounced off the hardwood instead of RonRon's shin, rendering him concussed and consequently unable to play in Game 2.
Honestly, I haven't seen this team play that poorly since before the All-Star break. Take nothing away from Houston (or Dikembe Mutombo. Did you SEE him?! He's setting the bar at like 7'8'' for all other potential playoff sideline cheerleaders. If we weren't getting smashed so badly, I would have absolutely loved it). They came into our house tonight and took our heart right from the get-go.
However, now that I've had a few hours to digest that peanut butter and sadness sandwich that Houston served us, I have a few points to offer in our defense:
1) My personal favorite broadcasting duo wasn't calling our game tonight. Although Doris Burke and Dave Pasche aren't scrubs (see Mark Jackson, pg. 932), they certainly aren't on the level of Dan Shulman and Jon Barry (The ChromeDomes, as I like to call them). This could have thrown us off. Unlikely, you say? Poppycock.
2) We got off to a lousy start. Call it what you want - nerves, jitters, paralyzing fear of failure....No matter what it was, it's out of our system now. No worries.
3) Yao was absolutely perfect, and the Rockets shot something like 75% from the field. Great job by them tonight, but they can't sustain that type of production once we get our sea legs under us.
I also would like to mention the low-lights of the evening, just so we're all on the same page:
1) As we were making our final push, Brandon went to the rack strong and tried to throw it down with his left hand. Dikembe Mutombo, fresh from 1996 apparently, proceeded to climb out of his time machine and swat the attempt like it was a gnat trying to mack on his coleslaw. As the giant, gravel-voiced African waved that familiar finger at the Rose Garden faithful, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
2) Brent Barry packed down an uncontested jam on the baseline midway through the third. Not only that, but they showed it again in slo-mo as they went to commercial. Former slam dunk champ or no, I don't want Brent F***ing Barry dunking on my f***ing team.
3) I noticed lots of empty seats in the lower deck before the final whistle blew. That one really stung.
4) Jeff Van Gundy is one step closer to his evil prediction of a Rockets romp becoming reality. This must not happen, if not for our sake, then for the rest of the sports viewing public. If Van Gundy's head got any bigger, it'd have its own atmosphere.
Now, the positives:
1) Adelman did not bring back the mustache. Had he done so, I'm not sure there would be any light at the end of this initially depressing playoff tunnel.
2) In the middle of the third period, just as I had advanced to the bargaining stage of the Seven Stages of Getting Blown Out In Game One Of A Playoff Series, I stopped promising to never go out with Madonna again long enough to notice that Greg was actually playing pretty well. This continued through the third and into the fourth, and I have no reason to believe that he won't show up for Game 2.
3) Part of me thinks we needed to get our butts kicked. Forget about this series for a second and think about the next 10 years of Trail Blazer basketball. Remember how MJ got bounced from the playoffs by Isiah three years in a row before finally exacting revenge and winning the title? He needed those frustrating losses to those physical Pistons teams in order to become the greatest winner of the modern era. I know it's not the easiest thing in the world to hear, but whether it starts on Tuesday or next fall, we will never forget how it felt to get our butts kicked on our home court, and overcoming that adversity will make us better in the long run.
4) Brandon Roy is a champ. He carried us as long as he could, but at some point he needed some help. In an unrelated bit of speculation, my spider-sense is informing me that if the back of Brandon's jersey had somehow magically read "WADE," he would have gotten to the line about 15 more times tonight without changing how he played one iota. I'm just sayin'.
Notes from the other three ballgames:
Bulls at Celtics
- I greatly enjoyed watching the Rose vs. Rondo duel for "Best PG whose name begins with an R."
- Bennett Salvatore is a horrible official. As questionable as some of the calls were in our game, I thank God that we didn't have Salvy, Eddie Rush and Mike Smith (the Cerberus of horrendous officiating) calling our game.
- LOTTA douchey Neo-Boston "fans" packin' the TD BANKNORTH FLEET AMERICAN EXPRESS WHATEVER THE BUILDING IS CALLED NOW.
- Derrick Rose is a freak of nature.
- STARBURY!!!!!11
- What's worse than having Vinny Del Negro as a head coach? Why, having Del Harris as an assistant coach, that's what!
- Tyrus Thomas is the new Travis Outlaw. I had a freaking heart attack every time that man touched the ball in the fourth quarter.
- Absolutely abysmal post-game interview with Rose by Nancy Lieberman. Just...EPIC how bad that was. I award her no points, and may God have mercy on her soul.
Pistons at Cavs
- I have to admit that Mo Williams has a pretty stroke. He's the new Derek Fisher. Damn him.
- In Van Gundy's fantasy "Superstars '09" competition, I think that LeBron would finish in the top three of every single event. Sprints, high jump, discus, tug-of-war, cow milking, whatever. BronBron's going to win the damn thing, OK?
- The Cavs are taking that series in four games. Any doubt in my mind was removed after today's performance.
Sidenote:
Jalen Rose is terrible at his job. While describing Paul Pierce's potentially game-winning free throw, he busted out something along these lines:
"Yeah, you don't want to over-analyze too much after the fact, but if Paul makes that free throw, then it's probably over."
Really? You think so? Think they would have been safe being up one with two seconds on the clock with Chicago totally out of time outs (Nice one, Vinny!)?
Jalen Rose: pretty good ballplayer, woefully bad studio analyst.
Mavs at Spurs
- Methinks the aging Spurs are running on fumes at this point. I'm not counting them out of the series, but they looked tired in the second half.
- How exactly do you get beat by Dirk off the dribble, anyway? Wear concrete shoes? Eat a lunch composed entirely of ball bearings and buttermilk pancakes? Matt Bonner, I'm sorry man, but that's like losing a foot race to James Gandolfini. Shame on you.
- JJ Barea is now offically nicknamed Speedy Gonzalez. No room for discussion on this one.
- I have a feeling the Mavs absolutely CRANKED some Hoff in the locker room during halftime. Think about it.
Well, that's it for now, maniacs. Lick those wounds and heal up for Tuesday. Come back strong, and we'll make it a series. Also, stay tuned for coverage of tomorrow's matchups.
RIP CITY
Brandon's skull could have bounced off the hardwood instead of RonRon's shin, rendering him concussed and consequently unable to play in Game 2.
Honestly, I haven't seen this team play that poorly since before the All-Star break. Take nothing away from Houston (or Dikembe Mutombo. Did you SEE him?! He's setting the bar at like 7'8'' for all other potential playoff sideline cheerleaders. If we weren't getting smashed so badly, I would have absolutely loved it). They came into our house tonight and took our heart right from the get-go.
However, now that I've had a few hours to digest that peanut butter and sadness sandwich that Houston served us, I have a few points to offer in our defense:
1) My personal favorite broadcasting duo wasn't calling our game tonight. Although Doris Burke and Dave Pasche aren't scrubs (see Mark Jackson, pg. 932), they certainly aren't on the level of Dan Shulman and Jon Barry (The ChromeDomes, as I like to call them). This could have thrown us off. Unlikely, you say? Poppycock.
2) We got off to a lousy start. Call it what you want - nerves, jitters, paralyzing fear of failure....No matter what it was, it's out of our system now. No worries.
3) Yao was absolutely perfect, and the Rockets shot something like 75% from the field. Great job by them tonight, but they can't sustain that type of production once we get our sea legs under us.
I also would like to mention the low-lights of the evening, just so we're all on the same page:
1) As we were making our final push, Brandon went to the rack strong and tried to throw it down with his left hand. Dikembe Mutombo, fresh from 1996 apparently, proceeded to climb out of his time machine and swat the attempt like it was a gnat trying to mack on his coleslaw. As the giant, gravel-voiced African waved that familiar finger at the Rose Garden faithful, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
2) Brent Barry packed down an uncontested jam on the baseline midway through the third. Not only that, but they showed it again in slo-mo as they went to commercial. Former slam dunk champ or no, I don't want Brent F***ing Barry dunking on my f***ing team.
3) I noticed lots of empty seats in the lower deck before the final whistle blew. That one really stung.
4) Jeff Van Gundy is one step closer to his evil prediction of a Rockets romp becoming reality. This must not happen, if not for our sake, then for the rest of the sports viewing public. If Van Gundy's head got any bigger, it'd have its own atmosphere.
Now, the positives:
1) Adelman did not bring back the mustache. Had he done so, I'm not sure there would be any light at the end of this initially depressing playoff tunnel.
2) In the middle of the third period, just as I had advanced to the bargaining stage of the Seven Stages of Getting Blown Out In Game One Of A Playoff Series, I stopped promising to never go out with Madonna again long enough to notice that Greg was actually playing pretty well. This continued through the third and into the fourth, and I have no reason to believe that he won't show up for Game 2.
3) Part of me thinks we needed to get our butts kicked. Forget about this series for a second and think about the next 10 years of Trail Blazer basketball. Remember how MJ got bounced from the playoffs by Isiah three years in a row before finally exacting revenge and winning the title? He needed those frustrating losses to those physical Pistons teams in order to become the greatest winner of the modern era. I know it's not the easiest thing in the world to hear, but whether it starts on Tuesday or next fall, we will never forget how it felt to get our butts kicked on our home court, and overcoming that adversity will make us better in the long run.
4) Brandon Roy is a champ. He carried us as long as he could, but at some point he needed some help. In an unrelated bit of speculation, my spider-sense is informing me that if the back of Brandon's jersey had somehow magically read "WADE," he would have gotten to the line about 15 more times tonight without changing how he played one iota. I'm just sayin'.
Notes from the other three ballgames:
Bulls at Celtics
- I greatly enjoyed watching the Rose vs. Rondo duel for "Best PG whose name begins with an R."
- Bennett Salvatore is a horrible official. As questionable as some of the calls were in our game, I thank God that we didn't have Salvy, Eddie Rush and Mike Smith (the Cerberus of horrendous officiating) calling our game.
- LOTTA douchey Neo-Boston "fans" packin' the TD BANKNORTH FLEET AMERICAN EXPRESS WHATEVER THE BUILDING IS CALLED NOW.
- Derrick Rose is a freak of nature.
- STARBURY!!!!!11
- What's worse than having Vinny Del Negro as a head coach? Why, having Del Harris as an assistant coach, that's what!
- Tyrus Thomas is the new Travis Outlaw. I had a freaking heart attack every time that man touched the ball in the fourth quarter.
- Absolutely abysmal post-game interview with Rose by Nancy Lieberman. Just...EPIC how bad that was. I award her no points, and may God have mercy on her soul.
Pistons at Cavs
- I have to admit that Mo Williams has a pretty stroke. He's the new Derek Fisher. Damn him.
- In Van Gundy's fantasy "Superstars '09" competition, I think that LeBron would finish in the top three of every single event. Sprints, high jump, discus, tug-of-war, cow milking, whatever. BronBron's going to win the damn thing, OK?
- The Cavs are taking that series in four games. Any doubt in my mind was removed after today's performance.
Sidenote:
Jalen Rose is terrible at his job. While describing Paul Pierce's potentially game-winning free throw, he busted out something along these lines:
"Yeah, you don't want to over-analyze too much after the fact, but if Paul makes that free throw, then it's probably over."
Really? You think so? Think they would have been safe being up one with two seconds on the clock with Chicago totally out of time outs (Nice one, Vinny!)?
Jalen Rose: pretty good ballplayer, woefully bad studio analyst.
Mavs at Spurs
- Methinks the aging Spurs are running on fumes at this point. I'm not counting them out of the series, but they looked tired in the second half.
- How exactly do you get beat by Dirk off the dribble, anyway? Wear concrete shoes? Eat a lunch composed entirely of ball bearings and buttermilk pancakes? Matt Bonner, I'm sorry man, but that's like losing a foot race to James Gandolfini. Shame on you.
- JJ Barea is now offically nicknamed Speedy Gonzalez. No room for discussion on this one.
- I have a feeling the Mavs absolutely CRANKED some Hoff in the locker room during halftime. Think about it.
Well, that's it for now, maniacs. Lick those wounds and heal up for Tuesday. Come back strong, and we'll make it a series. Also, stay tuned for coverage of tomorrow's matchups.
RIP CITY
4.17.2009
Houston, we have a problem, and other cliches
At approximately 7:27 PST on Wednesday, I was a happy man.
I had just watched the Dallas Mavericks recover from a 14-point second half deficit behind the fourth-quarter shenanigans of Jason Terry to defeat the Rockets in the final game of the regular season. A few minutes earlier, I had watched an ESPN in-game update showing Chris Paul dishing a ridiculous spin move assist to David West which put the Hornets up 5 with less than a minute to go. I giddily began sending out celebratory text messages to the tune of: "Lakers don't want us in the second round? Try the WCF!!"
My bad, guys.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. A 54-28 record, home court in the first round, and the first Blazer playoff run in six years seemed a far cry from reality a few month ago. It was just that, for the moments before I saw that cursed tying three by Michael from Lost (Why are you hitting threes? Walt just ran off into the jungle after his dog! Go tell Locke to stay away from your boy!) I was looking forward to playing the New Orleans Hornets.
Alas, it was not to be. Instead, the Blazers will face the formidable Houston Rockets in the round one, leading us at Kobestoppers to question...
What if the 08-09 Houston Rockets remade Apollo 13?
Let's start at the start here. No matter how epic of a storyline a movie may have, no matter how skilled a director may be, no matter how effective an ad campaign is, every great blockbuster film and basketball team needs a star. For Houston, that star is:
The similarities between Yao and Tom Hanks’ character Jim Lovell are almost eerie. Both are perfect captains to spearhead a mission to the moon or the NBA title. Both have spent endless hours dreaming of their ultimate goals and training for those moments. Both are fantastic team players who simultaneously motivate, coach, and reassure their teammates. Both have gigantic, square heads and a 7’5” wingspan.
The point is, there is no one better suited for leader of this mission than Yao.
Averages: 19.7 points, 9.9 rebounds, 1.95 blocks, 55% from the field, 87% from the line, 34 mpg.
Now they just have to find a spacesuit that will fit him…
Two days before the launch of Apollo 13, the crew was shocked by the news that Ken Mattingly had been exposed to German measles. Despite Mattingly's attempts to overrule the doctors, his place on the mission was eventually given to Jack Swigert (see below) and Mattingly was forced to provide aid to the astronauts from the NASA base in Houston.
Remind you of anyone?
Tracy McGrady is the perfect fit to play the role of the unfortunate crew member who was unable to help his crew on their mission.
A late addition to the squad, Ron Artest is built for the role of Jack Swigert. Not only does "Swigert" sound like something Ron-Ron would croon about in one of his songs (DJ Swigert, anyone?), but Swigert is also the character asked to stir the cryogenic oxygen tanks, which leads to the explosion which rocks the ship, ultimately dooming its initial intent to land on the moon and endangering the entire crew.
Could Artest stir the Rockets' proverbial cryogenic oxygen tanks, sending them into a dangerous tailspin? Time will tell.
Like Battier's game, Fred Haise is soft-spoken and mild-mannered. Haise is meticulous and excellent at what he does, but the results of his work often go underappreciated. He's the perfect compliment to Jack Swigert, although the two of them may butt heads in terms of style (such as when "in a fit of rage, Haise chastizes Swigert's relative inexperience as the cause of the accident").
When these two personalities can work together, they can make magic on the court and on the screen. When they clash, sparks (and points for the other team) fly.
Flight director Kranz is the architect and taskmaster for Apollo 13. He prepares the astronauts for their mission pre-launch and is their main source of communication once things go awry. An expert at keeping control of a situation and juggling multiple personalities at once, Kranz's own temper has been known to flare up at times. That said, no one doubts this man's experience and leadership in the clutch.
There are no real parallels between these last two, other than Luis Scola looks kind of like a girl with horrid facial hair and they both look funny with their faces pasted on women's bodies. OK? Sheesh...cut us some slack.
Semi-Serious Analysis
by BladeTron6000
Oh, you thought that was all? Not even close my friends. Can you believe we're back in the playoffs??? I'm absolutely losing my freaking mind over this. My excitement level is such that I've actually been peeing fire for the past 31 hours. I would go to a doctor, but I'm secretly hoping that this is a new God-given superpower bestowed upon me in response to my rabid Blazer fandom over the years.
Anyway, I've been discussing our opponents for Saturday with my friend (and occasional easy lover) Striker, and we've put together the most comprehensive playoff preview post this side of Blazers Edge.
Actually, I'm going to ramble about the Rockets for like 300 words, and then we're just going to screw around for the rest of the time. What? You were expecting something different?
The Rockets are an athletic squad that we've matched up poorly against in the past. Yao always gives us trouble inside, and Ron Artest typically causes problems for Brandon on the perimeter. There are a few keys to success that we must follow in order to win the series. They are as follows:
1) Box the EFF out
Houston is not a lights-out shooting team from three, but they will absolutely murder you if you give them second chances at the rim. Lost rebounds translates to defensive confusion translates to open looks. This cannot happen. Do not let Luis “See, I’m much better than Fabricio Oberto” Scola beat you.
2) Protect the paint
Houston is most dangerous when getting to the rim. Make them chuck it from the cheap seats with a hand in their grill. This goes for everybody but Battier, Barry and the bigs (obviously). Wafer and AB can be dangerous if they get hot from outside, but I’ll take my chances considering both those guys can run a suicide in about 3.1 seconds.
3) Be strong with the ball
No matter what’s working for us, we have to hold on to that rock. Whether we’re ice cold from outside and trying to make a living at the line, or we’re having success with the drive-and-kick game, Houston is going to slapping at our arms. It’s the playoffs, fellas. Expect this physical team to get even more physical, possibly resulting in “Mean” Chuck Hayes pulling an Ariza on Sergio.
Sidenote: Seriously, doesn’t Chuck remind you of an old school bad-guy pro wrestler? I keep expecting him to walk out on the road scowling at fans and then finish off some poor small forward with a heart-punch. He’s like the Bad News Brown of the Western Conference. I want him to form a tag team with Reggie Evans called the Ghetto Blasters. Oh, was that mildly racist? Oops. My bad.
Hang on to the ball and don’t expect whistles. Go strong to the rack and don’t take no guff off nobody.
4) Take ‘em deep
We have enough energetic youths on standby to conduct a Presidential fitness test at halftime, so why not push the pace? Especially at home, we should have Houston sucking wind by the second period and feeling like they donated a lung to charity when the final whistle blows. There’s no way they can match up with us athletically. Not that Chuck Hayes and Carl Landry aren’t fine specimens or anything. It’s just a different kind of athleticism. When Chuck climbs between those ropes, you KNOW somebody’s going to get choke-slammed. It’s a given. He’s a dominator, a high-impact – oh, damn. I did it again, didn’t I? Crap. My apologies, everybody. Last time, I promise.
5) Help Brandon, and win Game 1
This is probably the most important of the keys. We’re braving new territory as a team, and our supporting cast can’t afford to shrink from the moment. The Natural’s going to have either A) RonRon or B) Battier guarding him for the entire series. That is an absolute nightmare for anybody not named LeBron. Everybody needs to step it up:
- L-Train, I’m looking at you, buddy. You can shoot over anybody they’re going to put in front of you.
- Travis, you’re most likely going to draw Von Wafer. Break him.
- Nicky, it’s time for you to show everybody why you’re the next Scottie. Fly around on D and wreak some havoc. Unleash the Dragon Emperor.
- Greg and Pryz, I got two words for you guys: bash brothers.
- Serge and Stevesie, move that ball. Stagnation in the half court means Brandon firing one up with the shot clock winding down. Not cool beans. Take control of the game and manage the offense.
- Rudy, get your feet set and let it fly, amigo.
- Channing, replicate your performance from Wednesday, and I will personally see to it that you get at least 10 minutes of run.
If we can win Game 1, I think we've got the series locked up. Game 1 will tell us the story of the series.
6) Rick Adelman’s facial hair
OK, forget what I said about number five being the most important. Adelman knows what to expect from the Rose Garden faithful come playoff time. He knows we have that all-important edge, which is why I fear he’ll try to even the score by bringing back the vaunted mustache that led Portland to two NBA finals appearances. God help us if that happens. Pray to The Schonz it does not.
PLUS SOME ROCKETS LINKS?! NO WAY!
Chuck Hayes's free throws : Basketball :: Charles Barkley's golf swing : Golf
I couldn't watch this all the way through either, but it's worth it to just skip to 0:51 for Scola and 1:15 for Mutumbo
Aaron Brooks does a surprisingly good Dikembe Mutumbo
Quality shot selection leads to buckets. That's what I believe.
RonRon's got Old Greg's back, baby. That's respect, right there. Real talk.
Ron Artest: rapper, vocalist, crazy person.
PLUS YEAR-END AWARDS?! WHAT ARE WE, CRAZY?!?!!
The Daniel Laruso We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore Award: Joel Przybilla
The Bret Michaels Oh Wait He Can’t Actually Sing Or Play Guitar Award: Beno Udrih/Marko Jaric
The David Wooderson Making That Face Does Not Change The Fact That You Hang Out With High School Girls Award: Chris Andersen
And we'll leave you maniacs with this link, which has been making the rounds.
PLAYOFFS BABY! GET FIRED UP!!!
I had just watched the Dallas Mavericks recover from a 14-point second half deficit behind the fourth-quarter shenanigans of Jason Terry to defeat the Rockets in the final game of the regular season. A few minutes earlier, I had watched an ESPN in-game update showing Chris Paul dishing a ridiculous spin move assist to David West which put the Hornets up 5 with less than a minute to go. I giddily began sending out celebratory text messages to the tune of: "Lakers don't want us in the second round? Try the WCF!!"
My bad, guys.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. A 54-28 record, home court in the first round, and the first Blazer playoff run in six years seemed a far cry from reality a few month ago. It was just that, for the moments before I saw that cursed tying three by Michael from Lost (Why are you hitting threes? Walt just ran off into the jungle after his dog! Go tell Locke to stay away from your boy!) I was looking forward to playing the New Orleans Hornets.
Alas, it was not to be. Instead, the Blazers will face the formidable Houston Rockets in the round one, leading us at Kobestoppers to question...
What if the 08-09 Houston Rockets remade Apollo 13?
Let's start at the start here. No matter how epic of a storyline a movie may have, no matter how skilled a director may be, no matter how effective an ad campaign is, every great blockbuster film and basketball team needs a star. For Houston, that star is:
Yao Ming as Captain Jim Lovell
The similarities between Yao and Tom Hanks’ character Jim Lovell are almost eerie. Both are perfect captains to spearhead a mission to the moon or the NBA title. Both have spent endless hours dreaming of their ultimate goals and training for those moments. Both are fantastic team players who simultaneously motivate, coach, and reassure their teammates. Both have gigantic, square heads and a 7’5” wingspan.
The point is, there is no one better suited for leader of this mission than Yao.
Averages: 19.7 points, 9.9 rebounds, 1.95 blocks, 55% from the field, 87% from the line, 34 mpg.
Now they just have to find a spacesuit that will fit him…
Tracy McGrady as Ken Mattingly
Two days before the launch of Apollo 13, the crew was shocked by the news that Ken Mattingly had been exposed to German measles. Despite Mattingly's attempts to overrule the doctors, his place on the mission was eventually given to Jack Swigert (see below) and Mattingly was forced to provide aid to the astronauts from the NASA base in Houston.
Remind you of anyone?
Tracy McGrady is the perfect fit to play the role of the unfortunate crew member who was unable to help his crew on their mission.
Ron Artest as Jack Swigert
A late addition to the squad, Ron Artest is built for the role of Jack Swigert. Not only does "Swigert" sound like something Ron-Ron would croon about in one of his songs (DJ Swigert, anyone?), but Swigert is also the character asked to stir the cryogenic oxygen tanks, which leads to the explosion which rocks the ship, ultimately dooming its initial intent to land on the moon and endangering the entire crew.
Could Artest stir the Rockets' proverbial cryogenic oxygen tanks, sending them into a dangerous tailspin? Time will tell.
Shane Battier as Fred Haise
Like Battier's game, Fred Haise is soft-spoken and mild-mannered. Haise is meticulous and excellent at what he does, but the results of his work often go underappreciated. He's the perfect compliment to Jack Swigert, although the two of them may butt heads in terms of style (such as when "in a fit of rage, Haise chastizes Swigert's relative inexperience as the cause of the accident").When these two personalities can work together, they can make magic on the court and on the screen. When they clash, sparks (and points for the other team) fly.
Rick Adelman as Gene Kranz
Flight director Kranz is the architect and taskmaster for Apollo 13. He prepares the astronauts for their mission pre-launch and is their main source of communication once things go awry. An expert at keeping control of a situation and juggling multiple personalities at once, Kranz's own temper has been known to flare up at times. That said, no one doubts this man's experience and leadership in the clutch.
Aaron Brooks as Barbara Lovell
and
Luis Scola as Marilyn Lovell
There are no real parallels between these last two, other than Luis Scola looks kind of like a girl with horrid facial hair and they both look funny with their faces pasted on women's bodies. OK? Sheesh...cut us some slack.
Semi-Serious Analysis
by BladeTron6000
Oh, you thought that was all? Not even close my friends. Can you believe we're back in the playoffs??? I'm absolutely losing my freaking mind over this. My excitement level is such that I've actually been peeing fire for the past 31 hours. I would go to a doctor, but I'm secretly hoping that this is a new God-given superpower bestowed upon me in response to my rabid Blazer fandom over the years.
Anyway, I've been discussing our opponents for Saturday with my friend (and occasional easy lover) Striker, and we've put together the most comprehensive playoff preview post this side of Blazers Edge.
Actually, I'm going to ramble about the Rockets for like 300 words, and then we're just going to screw around for the rest of the time. What? You were expecting something different?
The Rockets are an athletic squad that we've matched up poorly against in the past. Yao always gives us trouble inside, and Ron Artest typically causes problems for Brandon on the perimeter. There are a few keys to success that we must follow in order to win the series. They are as follows:
1) Box the EFF out
Houston is not a lights-out shooting team from three, but they will absolutely murder you if you give them second chances at the rim. Lost rebounds translates to defensive confusion translates to open looks. This cannot happen. Do not let Luis “See, I’m much better than Fabricio Oberto” Scola beat you.
2) Protect the paint
Houston is most dangerous when getting to the rim. Make them chuck it from the cheap seats with a hand in their grill. This goes for everybody but Battier, Barry and the bigs (obviously). Wafer and AB can be dangerous if they get hot from outside, but I’ll take my chances considering both those guys can run a suicide in about 3.1 seconds.
3) Be strong with the ball
No matter what’s working for us, we have to hold on to that rock. Whether we’re ice cold from outside and trying to make a living at the line, or we’re having success with the drive-and-kick game, Houston is going to slapping at our arms. It’s the playoffs, fellas. Expect this physical team to get even more physical, possibly resulting in “Mean” Chuck Hayes pulling an Ariza on Sergio.
Sidenote: Seriously, doesn’t Chuck remind you of an old school bad-guy pro wrestler? I keep expecting him to walk out on the road scowling at fans and then finish off some poor small forward with a heart-punch. He’s like the Bad News Brown of the Western Conference. I want him to form a tag team with Reggie Evans called the Ghetto Blasters. Oh, was that mildly racist? Oops. My bad.
Hang on to the ball and don’t expect whistles. Go strong to the rack and don’t take no guff off nobody.
4) Take ‘em deep
We have enough energetic youths on standby to conduct a Presidential fitness test at halftime, so why not push the pace? Especially at home, we should have Houston sucking wind by the second period and feeling like they donated a lung to charity when the final whistle blows. There’s no way they can match up with us athletically. Not that Chuck Hayes and Carl Landry aren’t fine specimens or anything. It’s just a different kind of athleticism. When Chuck climbs between those ropes, you KNOW somebody’s going to get choke-slammed. It’s a given. He’s a dominator, a high-impact – oh, damn. I did it again, didn’t I? Crap. My apologies, everybody. Last time, I promise.
5) Help Brandon, and win Game 1
This is probably the most important of the keys. We’re braving new territory as a team, and our supporting cast can’t afford to shrink from the moment. The Natural’s going to have either A) RonRon or B) Battier guarding him for the entire series. That is an absolute nightmare for anybody not named LeBron. Everybody needs to step it up:
- L-Train, I’m looking at you, buddy. You can shoot over anybody they’re going to put in front of you.
- Travis, you’re most likely going to draw Von Wafer. Break him.
- Nicky, it’s time for you to show everybody why you’re the next Scottie. Fly around on D and wreak some havoc. Unleash the Dragon Emperor.
- Greg and Pryz, I got two words for you guys: bash brothers.
- Serge and Stevesie, move that ball. Stagnation in the half court means Brandon firing one up with the shot clock winding down. Not cool beans. Take control of the game and manage the offense.
- Rudy, get your feet set and let it fly, amigo.
- Channing, replicate your performance from Wednesday, and I will personally see to it that you get at least 10 minutes of run.
If we can win Game 1, I think we've got the series locked up. Game 1 will tell us the story of the series.
6) Rick Adelman’s facial hair
OK, forget what I said about number five being the most important. Adelman knows what to expect from the Rose Garden faithful come playoff time. He knows we have that all-important edge, which is why I fear he’ll try to even the score by bringing back the vaunted mustache that led Portland to two NBA finals appearances. God help us if that happens. Pray to The Schonz it does not.
PLUS SOME ROCKETS LINKS?! NO WAY!
Chuck Hayes's free throws : Basketball :: Charles Barkley's golf swing : Golf
I couldn't watch this all the way through either, but it's worth it to just skip to 0:51 for Scola and 1:15 for Mutumbo
Aaron Brooks does a surprisingly good Dikembe Mutumbo
Quality shot selection leads to buckets. That's what I believe.
RonRon's got Old Greg's back, baby. That's respect, right there. Real talk.
Ron Artest: rapper, vocalist, crazy person.
PLUS YEAR-END AWARDS?! WHAT ARE WE, CRAZY?!?!!
The Daniel Laruso We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore Award: Joel Przybilla
The Bret Michaels Oh Wait He Can’t Actually Sing Or Play Guitar Award: Beno Udrih/Marko Jaric
The David Wooderson Making That Face Does Not Change The Fact That You Hang Out With High School Girls Award: Chris Andersen
And we'll leave you maniacs with this link, which has been making the rounds.
PLAYOFFS BABY! GET FIRED UP!!!
3.28.2009
A Post Portraying Potential Playoff Previews: The Phoenix Suns
Listen up, maniacs, cause it's time for the next installment of the Kobestoppers' playoff previews. Next up on the list:
The Phoenix Suns
Ok, first things first. I'm gonna come clean. When Mike and I first conceived to write about each of the potential playoff teams in the West, we weren't sure whether or not to include the Suns. Amar'e had just lost sight of the rest of his season, Nash seemed generally unhappy, and while the Shaq Daddy was doing his thang, it was unclear whether or not the doing of his thang coincided with the Suns doing their thang.
Needless to say, things have changed.
Although the Blazers crushed the Suns 129-109 on Thursday night, the Suns have been on a tear of late. After dropping 7 out of 9, the Suns were on a 6-game winning streak before visiting the Rose Garden. As of today, the Suns sport a record of 40-32, putting them 3 games behind eighth-place Dallas. The Suns are coached by Mike D'An...er...Terry Po...er...Alvin Gentry.
Starting Lineup
PG – Steve Nash
What can you say about Stevie Nash? He’s a special talent. He commands respect as a floor general and a teammate. He’s everything good about the game of basketball. He’s one of my favorite players of all time. There isn’t a time when the ball is in his hands that I’m not worried about my beloved Blazers looking foolish.
Yes, to answer your question, I’ve asked him out on several occasions, but for some reason he hasn’t returned any of my calls.
While still a brilliant distributor on the fast break and off dribble penetration in the half court, Nashy has been infected and gradually displaying symptoms of JasonKidditis for the last two years. Nash’s back problems have limited his production in even his most prolific seasons (see back-to-back MVPs, pg. 398), and it’s only a matter of time before those tender vertebrae finally give out on him. Let's face it; in two years he’s going to be the new face of the NWBA.
At the moment, however, he’s still the third-best point guard in basketball – at least, that’s what we Nash fans keep telling ourselves. The fact is, bad back or no, Nash defends the ball about as well as Bill Shatner sings The Beatles. When we have the ball, he’s easily exploitable, either by putting the ball on the floor or by posting him up if we have a mismatch. The one time we do not need to worry about Steve Nash is when he’s on D.
The letter O, however is much more dangerous for us in regard to Nashy. Clearly, my time-tested strategy against nearsighted point guards who couldn’t throw a golf ball into a swimming pool is not applicable to Nash. No, I’m afraid that Old Stevie can pour it in from just about anywhere on the court. He’s also just as good off the dribble as he is at spotting up, so there’s no use in trying to crowd him. In fact that’s probably worse, because if he gets by his defender, suddenly it’s a five-on-four break, and he always finds the open man.
The way to neutralize Nash in the half court is to keep the ball out of his hands. Once he gives it up, deny the HELL out of that passing lane. If he works hard enough to get a catch, force him baseline and keep your head on a swivel (and pray. Don’t forget to pray). If Nash’s touches are limited, Phoenix’s offense won’t run as smoothly and they will commit more turnovers. Naturally, Richardson and Shaq Fu are going to get plenty of looks in isolation, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s perfect. As long as Nash isn’t wheeling and dealing all over our faces and providing Louis “I look exactly like Dan from Street Fighter” Amundson with easy looks at the rim, they aren’t going to score 160 points, and we’ll be in the game.
And for the love of God, get back on defense after missed shots. I feel like I’m kicking a dead horse here, but I know that all the players who read this sometimes forget. No worries, famous ballplayers who know who I am, I’ve got you covered. Just don’t blame me if Nate screams at you guys for allowing 61 fast-break points.
SG - Jason Richardson
Remember that dunk contest that J-Rich won with that gnarly off-the-glass-between-the-legs-neofunkatronicslammajamma with extra butter and syrup?
Yeah, me neither. Which leads me to my next point:
Richardson is pure scorer. A hired gun. Someone who has a freakishly impressive ability to put the ball in the hole from anywhere on the court. Consistency, however, is not one of his trademarks. Neither is defense. Neither is clutch play. This isn’t a dig at him, but there are a half dozen other players in the league just like him (some without so many miles on the odometer, either). He is a scoring threat, yes, but he is your formulaic, hyper-athletic, leaper/slasher with a tendency to take bad shots because of either an inflated ego or a mental breakdown. J-Rich may be a newer model, but he comes from the same old superstar factory:
Jason Richardson, Richard Jefferson, Tracy McGrady, Vince Carter, Steve Francis, and now in OJ Mayo! Only one easy payment of $86 million! Call now!
Okay, Mike, that’s enough. They get it.
If I were Nate (which I am), I’d throw Brandon on him, unless Barbosa is still hurt come playoff time. Then go ahead and let Nic shut him down, all the while out-rebounding and out-hustling the talented but weary veteran.
One last thing. If I’ve offended any Jason Richardson fans with what I wrote, I’d just like to say…too damn bad. It’s the truth. Learn to deal.
F - Matt Barnes
Barnes is the latest addition to the Suns roster for the 08-09 season. Along with being covered with stupid-looking tattoos, Matt Barnes is a strong rebounder, a decent three-point shooter, and a passable ball-handler. Barnes is averaging a career-high in points (10.4), assists (2.8), rebounds (5.4), and minutes (27.2). After shooting an unimpressive 29.3% from behind the arc last year, Barnes is shooting 33.9% from three with the Suns this year. No doubt this drastic increase in numbers is mostly due to his increased usage and the beneficial Phoenix system, but it's also clear that Barnes is having the best season of his six years in the NBA.
Barnes is also one of the only Suns besides Shaq who'll hit the glass on the offensive end, so be wary.
F - Grant Hill
Grant Hill might have been one of the ten best players to ever lace 'em up were it not for recurring injuries. His pro career has been filled with diappointment, not because of his lack of ability to play at the pro level (watch some tape of his career in Detroit before he got hurt), but rather due to his inability to actually stay on the court.
At this point, he's brittle and broken down. Like Jason Kidd, the player with which he shared the Rookie of the Year award so many moons ago, Hill's lateral movement and overall mobility are now limited. Unlike Kidd, however, Hill has still retained some of his defensive abilities in spite of his weary joints. However, if Gentry continues to be content with putting Hill on Brandon, we're in for candy cane smiles and lolly pop high-fives for four to six games.
Offensively, Hill is ordinary. Play him straight up and don't give him anything easy (see open three-pointers off cross court passes, pg. 12). He still possesses one hell of a basketball IQ, though, so watch out for backdoor cutters when he has the ball.
C – Shaquille O’Neal
I can’t think of a ballplayer who’s made me laugh or cry more than the original Superman. He broke my 11-year old heart when he left Orlando and Penny Hardaway in order to join the LA Motherf***ing Lakers, and he literally brought me to tears when he caught that alley-oop from a driving Kobe in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals. I will never forgive him for either of those most grievous of offenses.
On the flip side, may I present to the court exhibit B:
The Big Aristotle
The Big Chamberneezy
Jabbawockeez robot dance at the all-star game
Dance off versus Lebron and D. Howard at last year’s all-star game
The Corleone brothers analogy
“The Great” Pat Riley
“No, but I would with your wife.”
The Big Cactus
“How did you get so many ‘Q’s?”
“HEY. KOBE. TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES.”
Yes, truly Shaq has had a career for the ages. Years ago (while spitting out a few sour grapes along with my opinion) I refused to give the Diesel any credit, stating that the only reason for his dominance was his size and lack of skilled competition. Upon further consideration, I’ve decided that I was an idiot. Shaq has to be a top-10 big man of all time. His size makes him tough to guard, but his adaptability throughout his career is what makes him a future hall-of-famer. From Orlando to LA to Miami to Phoenix, the Shaqtus has embraced the natural changes in his body and adapted his game accordingly, always playing to his strengths.
At this stage in his career, I’d equate him to an old George Foreman. He might not be the quickest guy up the floor, and he may not be able to play the same extended minutes he used to, but he’s still got power in that right hand. Shaq beats you up mentally even more than he does physically down low. Think it’s an accident that he calls for the ball whenever an opposing team is making a run? Can you think of a play more devastating to your team’s morale than when Shaq spins baseline and tears the rim down, all while shaking off three of your boys?
You know the sound that play makes – that horrible dunking sound, like somebody slammed a car door on your pinky finger – the whiny, irritating, squealing whistle emanating from Bennett Salvatore’s plump, incompetent lips, prophesizing the cruel but inevitable opportunity for a three-point-play – the deflated groans echoing throughout your arena and your living room, as if everybody you loved got punched in the gut all at once.
It is the worst feeling in the entire world.
Just as Ray Allen, another over-the-hill superstar, can swing the momentum in his team’s favor with a big three-pointer, so too can the eldest son of Jor-El alter the course of any game by sheer will.
So don’t let him. Pryz, Greg, this one’s on you two. I know it’s a tough assignment, but there are ways to weather the storm. Mix it up against him. Overplay one shoulder, then the other, but always be wary of his drop step to his right, especially if he’s on the left block. If he wants to shoot jump hooks over that left shoulder all day, that’s fine. Go right ahead, Mr. O’Neal. That’s his jab. We can take a lot of those without falling into trouble. But if he catches us with that overhand right, i.e. that baseline spin to his right, it could cause the entire team to lose concentration on the road and cost us the game.
If you think I’m overstating the importance of psychology and momentum as it pertains to pro basketball…well, actually, you’re probably right. I am.
But what can I say? I’m paranoid about this s***.
Double Shaq if you have to. Keep him off the offensive boards. Greg, you better beat that old man up the floor if we’ve got numbers.
There. Feel better?
Bench
G- Leandro Barbosa
Barbosa is one of the quickest and and most exciting open court players in the NBA. Really, you couldn't ask for a better complement to Nash in the Phoenix system (both when Nash is on the court and when he isn't) than Barbosa. He can shoot from range and can get to the rim from half court faster than the Millennium Falcon can finish the Kessel Run. If he’s healthy, he’s a deadly weapon, which is why I vote we Pippen his ass with our boy Nic. I’d go into further detail, but come on, you’ve seen Nic’s D. All we gotta do is say, “Sic ’em” and grab our popcorn.
C - Robin Lopez
Do not make the mistake of asking Robin Lopez to sign a copy of “From Justin to Kelly.” He, uh, doesn’t appreciate that too much. I’d say the same rules apply for Robin as they do for Shaq, but that would make me a liar. Block this douchebag’s shots, Greg. Block a lot of them.
G - Goran Dragic
Is it just me, or does Goran Dragic sound a little TOO similar to Ivan Drago? I’m just sayin’. Anyway, take away his left hand. If he can go right, it’ll be news to me.
F - Louis Amundson
Box this guy out. Amundson is the Suns' Mark Madsen, specializing in both hustling after loose balls and being ugly. Offensive rebounding is the only stat that matters when talking about Dan from Street Fighter. True, his uppercut might be total crap, and his hadoken might be best described as "fruity-tooty," but that doesn't mean he can't score from six inches out. So keep him off the glass.
G/F - Alando Tucker
Dangerous player, here, friends. Just because he hasn't played much in the big leagues yet does not mean that this former Big Ten player of the year can't open up if given the opportunity. While he's not yet ready for prime time on a consistent basis, Tucker can hurt you if you underestimate his athleticism.
Sidenote: I'm personally hoping that Tucker eventually becomes a billionaire and buys the Orlando franchise, rechristening them the Alando Magic. Their team logo would be created by combining these two images.
Before we wrap up, I'd like to make a few general observations about the Suns' strengths and weaknesses as a potential playoff opponent.
1) The Suns are one of the few teams in basketball actually worse than we are at defending the pick and roll. Exploit that.
2) Sometimes the Suns will switch to a crappy, slow-rotating zone, because for some reason Alvin Gentry thinks that by doing so, he will make his team look less decrepit on D. When this happens, move the ball, bust them threes, and crash the offensive glass. Even if we're shooting a low percentage, we should get enough extra looks to cancel that out.
3) Because Phoenix wants to run so badly (and hates playing defense more than I hate listening to Klaus Nomi), the Daddy is the only Sun to really crash the glass. Most teams release one or two players to start the break. Phoenix typically releases three or four. This should translate to easy offensive boards, even if we're committed to getting back on D after misses.
4) Since Phoenix plays at such a high tempo, and they're constantly running cutters to the basket both off the break and in the half court, it's pretty easy to run on them. While I wouldn't suggest making a habit of it, there are definitely opportunities to get easy buckets against this team if you run with them selectively.
We took advantage of all of these observations on Thursday, and we came a way with a win. I assure you, it was not coincidence.
That's all we got, maniacs. Stay tuned for our Utah preview. Kirk out.
The Phoenix Suns
Ok, first things first. I'm gonna come clean. When Mike and I first conceived to write about each of the potential playoff teams in the West, we weren't sure whether or not to include the Suns. Amar'e had just lost sight of the rest of his season, Nash seemed generally unhappy, and while the Shaq Daddy was doing his thang, it was unclear whether or not the doing of his thang coincided with the Suns doing their thang.
Needless to say, things have changed.
Although the Blazers crushed the Suns 129-109 on Thursday night, the Suns have been on a tear of late. After dropping 7 out of 9, the Suns were on a 6-game winning streak before visiting the Rose Garden. As of today, the Suns sport a record of 40-32, putting them 3 games behind eighth-place Dallas. The Suns are coached by Mike D'An...er...Terry Po...er...Alvin Gentry.
Starting Lineup
PG – Steve Nash
What can you say about Stevie Nash? He’s a special talent. He commands respect as a floor general and a teammate. He’s everything good about the game of basketball. He’s one of my favorite players of all time. There isn’t a time when the ball is in his hands that I’m not worried about my beloved Blazers looking foolish.
Yes, to answer your question, I’ve asked him out on several occasions, but for some reason he hasn’t returned any of my calls.
While still a brilliant distributor on the fast break and off dribble penetration in the half court, Nashy has been infected and gradually displaying symptoms of JasonKidditis for the last two years. Nash’s back problems have limited his production in even his most prolific seasons (see back-to-back MVPs, pg. 398), and it’s only a matter of time before those tender vertebrae finally give out on him. Let's face it; in two years he’s going to be the new face of the NWBA.
At the moment, however, he’s still the third-best point guard in basketball – at least, that’s what we Nash fans keep telling ourselves. The fact is, bad back or no, Nash defends the ball about as well as Bill Shatner sings The Beatles. When we have the ball, he’s easily exploitable, either by putting the ball on the floor or by posting him up if we have a mismatch. The one time we do not need to worry about Steve Nash is when he’s on D.
The letter O, however is much more dangerous for us in regard to Nashy. Clearly, my time-tested strategy against nearsighted point guards who couldn’t throw a golf ball into a swimming pool is not applicable to Nash. No, I’m afraid that Old Stevie can pour it in from just about anywhere on the court. He’s also just as good off the dribble as he is at spotting up, so there’s no use in trying to crowd him. In fact that’s probably worse, because if he gets by his defender, suddenly it’s a five-on-four break, and he always finds the open man.
The way to neutralize Nash in the half court is to keep the ball out of his hands. Once he gives it up, deny the HELL out of that passing lane. If he works hard enough to get a catch, force him baseline and keep your head on a swivel (and pray. Don’t forget to pray). If Nash’s touches are limited, Phoenix’s offense won’t run as smoothly and they will commit more turnovers. Naturally, Richardson and Shaq Fu are going to get plenty of looks in isolation, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s perfect. As long as Nash isn’t wheeling and dealing all over our faces and providing Louis “I look exactly like Dan from Street Fighter” Amundson with easy looks at the rim, they aren’t going to score 160 points, and we’ll be in the game.
And for the love of God, get back on defense after missed shots. I feel like I’m kicking a dead horse here, but I know that all the players who read this sometimes forget. No worries, famous ballplayers who know who I am, I’ve got you covered. Just don’t blame me if Nate screams at you guys for allowing 61 fast-break points.
SG - Jason Richardson
Remember that dunk contest that J-Rich won with that gnarly off-the-glass-between-the-legs-neofunkatronicslammajamma with extra butter and syrup?
Yeah, me neither. Which leads me to my next point:
Richardson is pure scorer. A hired gun. Someone who has a freakishly impressive ability to put the ball in the hole from anywhere on the court. Consistency, however, is not one of his trademarks. Neither is defense. Neither is clutch play. This isn’t a dig at him, but there are a half dozen other players in the league just like him (some without so many miles on the odometer, either). He is a scoring threat, yes, but he is your formulaic, hyper-athletic, leaper/slasher with a tendency to take bad shots because of either an inflated ego or a mental breakdown. J-Rich may be a newer model, but he comes from the same old superstar factory:
Jason Richardson, Richard Jefferson, Tracy McGrady, Vince Carter, Steve Francis, and now in OJ Mayo! Only one easy payment of $86 million! Call now!
Okay, Mike, that’s enough. They get it.
If I were Nate (which I am), I’d throw Brandon on him, unless Barbosa is still hurt come playoff time. Then go ahead and let Nic shut him down, all the while out-rebounding and out-hustling the talented but weary veteran.
One last thing. If I’ve offended any Jason Richardson fans with what I wrote, I’d just like to say…too damn bad. It’s the truth. Learn to deal.
F - Matt Barnes
Barnes is the latest addition to the Suns roster for the 08-09 season. Along with being covered with stupid-looking tattoos, Matt Barnes is a strong rebounder, a decent three-point shooter, and a passable ball-handler. Barnes is averaging a career-high in points (10.4), assists (2.8), rebounds (5.4), and minutes (27.2). After shooting an unimpressive 29.3% from behind the arc last year, Barnes is shooting 33.9% from three with the Suns this year. No doubt this drastic increase in numbers is mostly due to his increased usage and the beneficial Phoenix system, but it's also clear that Barnes is having the best season of his six years in the NBA.
Barnes is also one of the only Suns besides Shaq who'll hit the glass on the offensive end, so be wary.
F - Grant Hill
Grant Hill might have been one of the ten best players to ever lace 'em up were it not for recurring injuries. His pro career has been filled with diappointment, not because of his lack of ability to play at the pro level (watch some tape of his career in Detroit before he got hurt), but rather due to his inability to actually stay on the court.
At this point, he's brittle and broken down. Like Jason Kidd, the player with which he shared the Rookie of the Year award so many moons ago, Hill's lateral movement and overall mobility are now limited. Unlike Kidd, however, Hill has still retained some of his defensive abilities in spite of his weary joints. However, if Gentry continues to be content with putting Hill on Brandon, we're in for candy cane smiles and lolly pop high-fives for four to six games.
Offensively, Hill is ordinary. Play him straight up and don't give him anything easy (see open three-pointers off cross court passes, pg. 12). He still possesses one hell of a basketball IQ, though, so watch out for backdoor cutters when he has the ball.
C – Shaquille O’Neal
I can’t think of a ballplayer who’s made me laugh or cry more than the original Superman. He broke my 11-year old heart when he left Orlando and Penny Hardaway in order to join the LA Motherf***ing Lakers, and he literally brought me to tears when he caught that alley-oop from a driving Kobe in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals. I will never forgive him for either of those most grievous of offenses.
On the flip side, may I present to the court exhibit B:
The Big Aristotle
The Big Chamberneezy
Jabbawockeez robot dance at the all-star game
Dance off versus Lebron and D. Howard at last year’s all-star game
The Corleone brothers analogy
“The Great” Pat Riley
“No, but I would with your wife.”
The Big Cactus
“How did you get so many ‘Q’s?”
“HEY. KOBE. TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES.”
Yes, truly Shaq has had a career for the ages. Years ago (while spitting out a few sour grapes along with my opinion) I refused to give the Diesel any credit, stating that the only reason for his dominance was his size and lack of skilled competition. Upon further consideration, I’ve decided that I was an idiot. Shaq has to be a top-10 big man of all time. His size makes him tough to guard, but his adaptability throughout his career is what makes him a future hall-of-famer. From Orlando to LA to Miami to Phoenix, the Shaqtus has embraced the natural changes in his body and adapted his game accordingly, always playing to his strengths.
At this stage in his career, I’d equate him to an old George Foreman. He might not be the quickest guy up the floor, and he may not be able to play the same extended minutes he used to, but he’s still got power in that right hand. Shaq beats you up mentally even more than he does physically down low. Think it’s an accident that he calls for the ball whenever an opposing team is making a run? Can you think of a play more devastating to your team’s morale than when Shaq spins baseline and tears the rim down, all while shaking off three of your boys?
You know the sound that play makes – that horrible dunking sound, like somebody slammed a car door on your pinky finger – the whiny, irritating, squealing whistle emanating from Bennett Salvatore’s plump, incompetent lips, prophesizing the cruel but inevitable opportunity for a three-point-play – the deflated groans echoing throughout your arena and your living room, as if everybody you loved got punched in the gut all at once.
It is the worst feeling in the entire world.
Just as Ray Allen, another over-the-hill superstar, can swing the momentum in his team’s favor with a big three-pointer, so too can the eldest son of Jor-El alter the course of any game by sheer will.
So don’t let him. Pryz, Greg, this one’s on you two. I know it’s a tough assignment, but there are ways to weather the storm. Mix it up against him. Overplay one shoulder, then the other, but always be wary of his drop step to his right, especially if he’s on the left block. If he wants to shoot jump hooks over that left shoulder all day, that’s fine. Go right ahead, Mr. O’Neal. That’s his jab. We can take a lot of those without falling into trouble. But if he catches us with that overhand right, i.e. that baseline spin to his right, it could cause the entire team to lose concentration on the road and cost us the game.
If you think I’m overstating the importance of psychology and momentum as it pertains to pro basketball…well, actually, you’re probably right. I am.
But what can I say? I’m paranoid about this s***.
Double Shaq if you have to. Keep him off the offensive boards. Greg, you better beat that old man up the floor if we’ve got numbers.
There. Feel better?
Bench
G- Leandro Barbosa
Barbosa is one of the quickest and and most exciting open court players in the NBA. Really, you couldn't ask for a better complement to Nash in the Phoenix system (both when Nash is on the court and when he isn't) than Barbosa. He can shoot from range and can get to the rim from half court faster than the Millennium Falcon can finish the Kessel Run. If he’s healthy, he’s a deadly weapon, which is why I vote we Pippen his ass with our boy Nic. I’d go into further detail, but come on, you’ve seen Nic’s D. All we gotta do is say, “Sic ’em” and grab our popcorn.
C - Robin Lopez
Do not make the mistake of asking Robin Lopez to sign a copy of “From Justin to Kelly.” He, uh, doesn’t appreciate that too much. I’d say the same rules apply for Robin as they do for Shaq, but that would make me a liar. Block this douchebag’s shots, Greg. Block a lot of them.
G - Goran Dragic
Is it just me, or does Goran Dragic sound a little TOO similar to Ivan Drago? I’m just sayin’. Anyway, take away his left hand. If he can go right, it’ll be news to me.
F - Louis Amundson
Box this guy out. Amundson is the Suns' Mark Madsen, specializing in both hustling after loose balls and being ugly. Offensive rebounding is the only stat that matters when talking about Dan from Street Fighter. True, his uppercut might be total crap, and his hadoken might be best described as "fruity-tooty," but that doesn't mean he can't score from six inches out. So keep him off the glass.
G/F - Alando Tucker
Dangerous player, here, friends. Just because he hasn't played much in the big leagues yet does not mean that this former Big Ten player of the year can't open up if given the opportunity. While he's not yet ready for prime time on a consistent basis, Tucker can hurt you if you underestimate his athleticism.
Sidenote: I'm personally hoping that Tucker eventually becomes a billionaire and buys the Orlando franchise, rechristening them the Alando Magic. Their team logo would be created by combining these two images.
Before we wrap up, I'd like to make a few general observations about the Suns' strengths and weaknesses as a potential playoff opponent.
1) The Suns are one of the few teams in basketball actually worse than we are at defending the pick and roll. Exploit that.
2) Sometimes the Suns will switch to a crappy, slow-rotating zone, because for some reason Alvin Gentry thinks that by doing so, he will make his team look less decrepit on D. When this happens, move the ball, bust them threes, and crash the offensive glass. Even if we're shooting a low percentage, we should get enough extra looks to cancel that out.
3) Because Phoenix wants to run so badly (and hates playing defense more than I hate listening to Klaus Nomi), the Daddy is the only Sun to really crash the glass. Most teams release one or two players to start the break. Phoenix typically releases three or four. This should translate to easy offensive boards, even if we're committed to getting back on D after misses.
4) Since Phoenix plays at such a high tempo, and they're constantly running cutters to the basket both off the break and in the half court, it's pretty easy to run on them. While I wouldn't suggest making a habit of it, there are definitely opportunities to get easy buckets against this team if you run with them selectively.
We took advantage of all of these observations on Thursday, and we came a way with a win. I assure you, it was not coincidence.
That's all we got, maniacs. Stay tuned for our Utah preview. Kirk out.
3.27.2009
Quick Update: Blazers 129, Suns 109
"I'll tell you what, bro. After thees game, we are so TOTALLY going back to my creeb and watching de Transporter 2! Zimas are on Sergio!"Need more really be said?
Stay tuned for the increasingly unlikely but nonetheless amusing Blazers v. Suns playoff preview.
3.20.2009
A Post Portraying Potential Playoff Previews: The Dallas Mavericks
Here we go, folks: the first of our incredibly well-reasoned, implacably intelligent, and undeniably accurate peeks at teams that the Blazers could potentially see in the first round of the playoffs. Fortunately for you maniacs, the Western Conference playoff race is tighter than the rubber band the Birdman ties off with while shooting heroin*, so that pretty much means a preview of every seed in the West, and maybe even Phoenix if it comes down to the wire. Sidenote: Before we get started, I must apologize for an egregious misprint in Mike's most recent links post. I believe it was
...The Dallas Mavericks
The Mavericks (as of this moment) sport a 41-28 record, putting them at 8th in the Western Conference (for now, they will probably go up-down-up-up-down-down for the next month). They are coached by Rick Carlisle, who is known for having deliciously well-groomed hair and looking disturbingly like Jim Carrey.
The Mavs are "offensively oriented," which is a phrase I just made up meaning they win their games with their offense. They are eighth in offensive efficiency and eighth in assist ratio. Basically, they win by scoring more than you, not by limiting your scoring. They are however, an excellent defensive rebounding team, so they will limit your second-chance opportunities.
Now, onto the starting lineup:
Starting Lineup:
Before I get going here, I’d like to mention that Joe’s flashkick combo was, for the most part, blocked. Believe me, it caught a lot of shoulder and elbow, but not much else. My hurricane kick/fierce uppercut/super hadoken combo, however, landed flush to the face of the poor major, causing him to crash to the ground and begin whimpering something that was generally unintelligible save for the name “Charlie.” Guess that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy only applies to soldiers who haven’t been soul-raped by Ryu. Good to know.
Unrelated to Blade being a superior Street Fighter to Striker, I still can’t get over this photo mash-up:
The Lloyd Christmas comparison is definitely the best. Seriously, what does Carlisle think when he gets up every morning and looks himself in the mirror? Does he have a mini identity crisis before he realizes that it wasn’t actually him in Bruce Almighty? I bet he breaks into the Ace Ventura voice every now and then without realizing it before crumpling in a heap and bawling his eyes out, cursing the god that made him so. Ten bucks says there’s a sign on the Maverick’s locker room door that says “Your coach is NOT Jim Carrey. Please do not ask for autographs.”
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd that’s all the “Rick Carlisle is Jim Carrey” jokes I’ve got. So sad, I know.
Now, about those Dallas Mavericks: they’ve got a starting lineup, and we’re gonna break it down for you.
PG – Jason Kidd
Hey, you remember this guy? He’s dead. Buried. Long gone. There was a time when Jason Kidd was the most feared floor general in the game. But as he often does, Father Time took a basketball magician and turned him into a mere mortal. While never an elite shooter, ten years ago Kidd was a surgeon on the fast break. Three-on-two situations might as well have been three-on-zero when Kidd had the ball in his hands. Jamal Mashburn, Kenyon Martin, Richard Jefferson, and Kerry Kittles, all of you should call Jason Kidd on a weekly basis and thank him for making you all look like all-stars and scoring you more dough than you were actually worth. Yes, in his prime, Kidd even made Keith Van Horn look like a real basketball player.
But that time has passed. Today, Kidd is still an excellent distributor in the half court, but his fast break attack is but a shell of what it used to be. He’s still a great rebounder for his size, and I can’t think of a smarter player in the league, but he no longer has the physical tools to dominate the ebb and flow of the ballgame. The Mavs like to run a pick-and-roll for him at the top of the key while they run Dirk off screens away from the ball. Kidd can be dangerous off the pick, but only as a passer. As a spot up shooter, he’s mediocre at best. But off the dribble, Kidd couldn’t hit a 20-footer if the basket were four feet in diameter.
This is why we should employ what I like to call “The Rondo Strategy” against him. The plan is simple: slide under every single ball screen they set for Jason Kidd. Dare him to shoot. MAKE him shoot. No, don’t switch when the pick comes. I know we like to do that (actually, we’re usually so bad at defending the pick and roll that we have no other option), but we REALLY don’t need to when Kidd has the ball in his hands (which is the majority of the time if Dirk doesn’t have it in isolation).
Part two is equally simple: keep Kidd off the boards. That’s it. If you don’t, I guarantee he’ll sneak in there with what little voodoo he has left in the tank and steal 11 rebounds before you realize what happened. Even worse, one of those boards will probably come on a crucial possession that gives his team a second chance to win the game or something.
So again, to summarize: Slide under picks. Box him out. Ballgame.
SG - Antoine Wright
Erm...gulp...I would say I don't know much about Antoine Wright's game, but really I think it's that there's not much there. For a guy drafted as a scoring 2-guard, he sure doesn't do much scoring. Instead he has found a niche in the Mavs starting lineup as a defensive specialist. He's long and tall for a shooting guard (6'7") and moves well within Dallas' defensive sets. Ideally he takes pressure off of the now slow-footed Jason Kidd through the first half, and then keeps Jason Terry's seat warm on the bench for the rest of the ballgame. Offensively he certainly won't create any opportunites for himself and is only a mediocre spot-up shooter.
SF – Josh Howard
Howard has been plagued by an ankle injury that caused him to miss 11 games earlier in the season and has kept him off the floor for nearly all of March. Word is, there’s a good chance he’ll miss the rest of the month. Now, as Blazers fans, we’re INTIMATELY familiar with the injury-speak that often comes from training staffs. With that in mind, I think it’s realistic to at least entertain the idea of Howard either sitting on the bench or being rendered ineffective by the still-painful ankle come playoff time.
That’s what I’m calling Plan A. Josh Howard’s ankle pulls a Martell and conveniently decides to stay broken. What’s Plan B, you ask? Well, that’s easy:
We Bruce Bowen his ass. OK, Nic, here’s what you do. Wait for him to spot up for that 18-footer he likes so much, and while he’s still in the air, “accidentally” slide underneath him so he comes down on your foot. Problem solved.
Hey, did I ever tell you guys about how I hate Bruce Bowen even more than I hate the majority of my extended family? No? Oh. Well, I do.
If J-How is healthy come playoff time, my serious Plan B goes something like this: sick Nic on him like a pit bull on a chipmunk. Howard is pretty good off the bounce, but his mid-range J is an even bigger threat. Nic needs to smother him and if at all possible deny him the catch in the first place. If he does get by Nicolas, other defenders (no, not just Joel. You know, our OTHER players…) need to help out. Howard is a talented scorer, but he’s not going to find the open man every time when our help stops his dribble drive. Most importantly, no matter how we do it, we need to hold him to under 20 every game. Why? Check out this excerpt from his Wikipedia page:
Over the last two seasons the Mavs are 37-2 when Howard scores 20 or more points.
If that’s true (and I’m pretty sure it is. Wikipedia is monitored by Jesus), then our mission is clear. All we gotta do is go out there and execute.
PF - Dirk Nowitzki
Ah, Dirk. If Kidd is the brain stem of the team, and Josh Howard and Jason Terry are the genitals, Dirk is the backbone, spinal column, corpus callosum, and probably the left foot, too. Dirk has been the face of the Mavericks franchise for nearly ten years, and for good reason. Not only is the 30-year old, 7-foot Übermensch one of the most unstoppable scorers in the NBA, he has become efficient and consistent, adding 8.4 rebounds and 2.5 assists to go with his 25.5 points per game. What the Blazers witnessed firsthand in their three meetings with the Mavericks this year is that Dirk can make himself essentially unguardable.
The Mavericks fourth quarter offense is basically this:
The high pick and pop with Jason Terry and Dirk, leads to
a) Defenders switching on the pick and Dirk shooting over the defending PG from the free throw line, resulting in a semi-disturbing fist-pump, pulling of the jersey down to his crotch, and weird baring of the teeth,
or
b) Defenders not switching, giving the superfast Jason Terry a wide open path to the basket/jumpshot, resulting in an incredibly lame flying bird pantomime which I shall from now on call "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" (good band name),
or
c) If the defenders run through the screen, the Mavs give it to Dirk in isolation and let him do an impossible spin-move jump shot which he makes approximately 84% of the time.
These are not good options, mainly because the Blazers struggle mightily against the pick and roll. In previous meetings, Coach Nate has tried various defenders on Dirk, including Przybilla. This experiment did not work, as it appears than Joel's relationship with the basket is similar to Superman's with the sun: the farther he gets from it, the weaker he becomes. Fortunately, Striker has the solution: LaMarcus Aldridge.
LaMarcus matches up perfectly against Dirk on the defensive end. Dirk likes to step outside and shoot the jumpshot? LMA can do that. Dirk is 7-feet tall and shoots from above his head? LMA is 6'11" with a 7'5" wingspan, he can do that. Dirk enjoys reading and playing the saxophone? Better bring an extra set of reeds.
If the Blazers put Aldridge on Dirk and Batum on Terry in the fourth quarter, they should be able to effectively counter any of a), b), or c) above. Even if they switch, Batum is long enough to challenge Dirk's jumper, and LMA has quick enough feet to at least slow Terry down and wait for help.
C – Erik Dampier
I know what you’re thinking. How could we POSSIBLY hope to contain the former self-proclaimed greatest center in the Western Conference?
The short answer? We can’t. It’s not a feasible option. Big Damp Dawg goes where he wants when he wants, and you better pray to GOD that you don’t happen to be in the way.
OK, look. While it’s sad that Dampier suffers from Channing Frye’s giant-body-baby-head disease, that doesn’t excuse his lack of offensive skills. It doesn’t take a genius to see that Damp gets most of his points from put-backs after offensive boards and the occasional dunk after a poorly defended pick and roll. If we’re committed to sliding under that ball screen when Kidd has the pill (which we should be), Erika should have zero room to catch and score off the roll to the hoop. Put a body on him on shot attempts and that should be a rap. If he wants to shoot an eight-footer, for the love of God, LET HIM.
One last thing. While generally a slow-moving, uncoordinated sloth beast, on the defensive end, Dampier is actually a half-decent shot blocker. Now, normally I’d say that we should still be aggressive and go to the basket in the hopes of forcing the big man’s hand and putting him in foul trouble. However, since a Dampier exit usually produces a Brandon Bass appearance, maybe we should take a page from Frank Costanza, stop short, and toss in some five-foot floaters in the lane. More explanation will be given in the upcoming Bench section.
No, I know. You’re totally, like, BRISTLING with anticipation. Try not to pass out.
Bench:
The scariest thing about the Dallas bench is that Jason Terry sits on it. A consensus top-3 sixth man in the league, Jason Terry is one of those bench players that comes off the bench, not because he is not starter-quality, but to provide that spark in the middle of the first quarter (a la Ginobili). The Mavs' second leading scorer at 19.8 points and 3.6 assists, he takes over the major ball-handling responsibilities in the fourth quarter (we've already discussed the Mavs late-game offense) and is well known for "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" after he scores a clutch bucket. I guess the maneuver is a reference to the fact that he looks like a bird? I don't know. Putting Nic Batum or Roy on him in the fourth quarter would be our best bet to prevent this atrocity.
Let it be known: Here at Kobestoppers we HATE JJ Barea. With a fiery passion. Maybe this is because he seems to go 6-9 from the field with 6 assists and 9 rebounds every time we play them. For some reason (Sergio? Bayless?) our second unit allows Barea to get approximately 4 offensive rebounds against us. This is unacceptable. The Mavs are an excellent defensive rebounding team, but that does not excuse long offensive rebounds by their backup PG. Put a body on him on the glass and get in his face when he spots up and Barea should be no problem.
Brandon Bass is an oversized PF that actually has decent range (especially from the baseline). He rebounds just as well as Dampier, probably blocks shots just as well, and has a habit of playing out of his MIND against us.
The rest of the bench includes guys named Jerry, Devean, Matt, and Ryan. No, they aren't quirky roommates from the latest CBS sitcom, they are basketball players. Just not very good ones. Don't let 'em beat you.
Also worth noting is the fact that, while the Mavs have been consistently relevant within the Western Conference for the last 8 years, they have shown the inability to win big games. From their epic collapse in the Finals against D-Wade and the Miami Officials...er..Heat in 2006 to their shocking upset by eighth-seeded Golden State in 2007, the Mavericks have never quite gotten over that hump to become an elite team.
Can they pull off an eighth-seed upset of their own over the Lakers?
*Help provided on this quote from Kobestopper Adam, and I promised I would publish this original artistic piece for him in return:
Listen up blondes, brunettes and bald people,
one of Chris Andersen's parents is a bald eagle.
and the other happens to be a fire breathing dragon,
he was kicked out the NBA but now he's back on the wagon.
He took "birdman" instead of "bird-dragon man" because it's easier to say,
he was hatched from an egg 477 years ago to this day.
That might seem just a tad bit old for ya,
but that's the truth, and he hatched in eastern Mongolia.
He plays basketball at a mile high pace,
and last week he smashed a basketball into Rudy Fernandez's face.
Can you say flying, spinning piledriver? Cause Joe sure can. He knows how to spell that one backwards and forwards after that Soviet beatdown I laid on his candy ass with Zangief.Mike has since rescinded this comment, after I laid multiple flash kick - double flash kick - ultra flash kick combos on his face with Guile's size 14 combat boots. All is forgiven, Blade. And now, onto...
...The Dallas Mavericks
The Mavericks (as of this moment) sport a 41-28 record, putting them at 8th in the Western Conference (for now, they will probably go up-down-up-up-down-down for the next month). They are coached by Rick Carlisle, who is known for having deliciously well-groomed hair and looking disturbingly like Jim Carrey.
The Mavs are "offensively oriented," which is a phrase I just made up meaning they win their games with their offense. They are eighth in offensive efficiency and eighth in assist ratio. Basically, they win by scoring more than you, not by limiting your scoring. They are however, an excellent defensive rebounding team, so they will limit your second-chance opportunities.
Now, onto the starting lineup:
Starting Lineup:
Before I get going here, I’d like to mention that Joe’s flashkick combo was, for the most part, blocked. Believe me, it caught a lot of shoulder and elbow, but not much else. My hurricane kick/fierce uppercut/super hadoken combo, however, landed flush to the face of the poor major, causing him to crash to the ground and begin whimpering something that was generally unintelligible save for the name “Charlie.” Guess that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy only applies to soldiers who haven’t been soul-raped by Ryu. Good to know.
Unrelated to Blade being a superior Street Fighter to Striker, I still can’t get over this photo mash-up:
The Lloyd Christmas comparison is definitely the best. Seriously, what does Carlisle think when he gets up every morning and looks himself in the mirror? Does he have a mini identity crisis before he realizes that it wasn’t actually him in Bruce Almighty? I bet he breaks into the Ace Ventura voice every now and then without realizing it before crumpling in a heap and bawling his eyes out, cursing the god that made him so. Ten bucks says there’s a sign on the Maverick’s locker room door that says “Your coach is NOT Jim Carrey. Please do not ask for autographs.”Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd that’s all the “Rick Carlisle is Jim Carrey” jokes I’ve got. So sad, I know.
Now, about those Dallas Mavericks: they’ve got a starting lineup, and we’re gonna break it down for you.
PG – Jason Kidd
Hey, you remember this guy? He’s dead. Buried. Long gone. There was a time when Jason Kidd was the most feared floor general in the game. But as he often does, Father Time took a basketball magician and turned him into a mere mortal. While never an elite shooter, ten years ago Kidd was a surgeon on the fast break. Three-on-two situations might as well have been three-on-zero when Kidd had the ball in his hands. Jamal Mashburn, Kenyon Martin, Richard Jefferson, and Kerry Kittles, all of you should call Jason Kidd on a weekly basis and thank him for making you all look like all-stars and scoring you more dough than you were actually worth. Yes, in his prime, Kidd even made Keith Van Horn look like a real basketball player.
But that time has passed. Today, Kidd is still an excellent distributor in the half court, but his fast break attack is but a shell of what it used to be. He’s still a great rebounder for his size, and I can’t think of a smarter player in the league, but he no longer has the physical tools to dominate the ebb and flow of the ballgame. The Mavs like to run a pick-and-roll for him at the top of the key while they run Dirk off screens away from the ball. Kidd can be dangerous off the pick, but only as a passer. As a spot up shooter, he’s mediocre at best. But off the dribble, Kidd couldn’t hit a 20-footer if the basket were four feet in diameter.
This is why we should employ what I like to call “The Rondo Strategy” against him. The plan is simple: slide under every single ball screen they set for Jason Kidd. Dare him to shoot. MAKE him shoot. No, don’t switch when the pick comes. I know we like to do that (actually, we’re usually so bad at defending the pick and roll that we have no other option), but we REALLY don’t need to when Kidd has the ball in his hands (which is the majority of the time if Dirk doesn’t have it in isolation).
Part two is equally simple: keep Kidd off the boards. That’s it. If you don’t, I guarantee he’ll sneak in there with what little voodoo he has left in the tank and steal 11 rebounds before you realize what happened. Even worse, one of those boards will probably come on a crucial possession that gives his team a second chance to win the game or something.
So again, to summarize: Slide under picks. Box him out. Ballgame.
SG - Antoine Wright
Erm...gulp...I would say I don't know much about Antoine Wright's game, but really I think it's that there's not much there. For a guy drafted as a scoring 2-guard, he sure doesn't do much scoring. Instead he has found a niche in the Mavs starting lineup as a defensive specialist. He's long and tall for a shooting guard (6'7") and moves well within Dallas' defensive sets. Ideally he takes pressure off of the now slow-footed Jason Kidd through the first half, and then keeps Jason Terry's seat warm on the bench for the rest of the ballgame. Offensively he certainly won't create any opportunites for himself and is only a mediocre spot-up shooter.
SF – Josh Howard
Howard has been plagued by an ankle injury that caused him to miss 11 games earlier in the season and has kept him off the floor for nearly all of March. Word is, there’s a good chance he’ll miss the rest of the month. Now, as Blazers fans, we’re INTIMATELY familiar with the injury-speak that often comes from training staffs. With that in mind, I think it’s realistic to at least entertain the idea of Howard either sitting on the bench or being rendered ineffective by the still-painful ankle come playoff time.
That’s what I’m calling Plan A. Josh Howard’s ankle pulls a Martell and conveniently decides to stay broken. What’s Plan B, you ask? Well, that’s easy:
We Bruce Bowen his ass. OK, Nic, here’s what you do. Wait for him to spot up for that 18-footer he likes so much, and while he’s still in the air, “accidentally” slide underneath him so he comes down on your foot. Problem solved.
Hey, did I ever tell you guys about how I hate Bruce Bowen even more than I hate the majority of my extended family? No? Oh. Well, I do.
If J-How is healthy come playoff time, my serious Plan B goes something like this: sick Nic on him like a pit bull on a chipmunk. Howard is pretty good off the bounce, but his mid-range J is an even bigger threat. Nic needs to smother him and if at all possible deny him the catch in the first place. If he does get by Nicolas, other defenders (no, not just Joel. You know, our OTHER players…) need to help out. Howard is a talented scorer, but he’s not going to find the open man every time when our help stops his dribble drive. Most importantly, no matter how we do it, we need to hold him to under 20 every game. Why? Check out this excerpt from his Wikipedia page:
Over the last two seasons the Mavs are 37-2 when Howard scores 20 or more points.
If that’s true (and I’m pretty sure it is. Wikipedia is monitored by Jesus), then our mission is clear. All we gotta do is go out there and execute.
PF - Dirk Nowitzki
Ah, Dirk. If Kidd is the brain stem of the team, and Josh Howard and Jason Terry are the genitals, Dirk is the backbone, spinal column, corpus callosum, and probably the left foot, too. Dirk has been the face of the Mavericks franchise for nearly ten years, and for good reason. Not only is the 30-year old, 7-foot Übermensch one of the most unstoppable scorers in the NBA, he has become efficient and consistent, adding 8.4 rebounds and 2.5 assists to go with his 25.5 points per game. What the Blazers witnessed firsthand in their three meetings with the Mavericks this year is that Dirk can make himself essentially unguardable.
The Mavericks fourth quarter offense is basically this:
The high pick and pop with Jason Terry and Dirk, leads to
a) Defenders switching on the pick and Dirk shooting over the defending PG from the free throw line, resulting in a semi-disturbing fist-pump, pulling of the jersey down to his crotch, and weird baring of the teeth,
or
b) Defenders not switching, giving the superfast Jason Terry a wide open path to the basket/jumpshot, resulting in an incredibly lame flying bird pantomime which I shall from now on call "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" (good band name),
or
c) If the defenders run through the screen, the Mavs give it to Dirk in isolation and let him do an impossible spin-move jump shot which he makes approximately 84% of the time.
These are not good options, mainly because the Blazers struggle mightily against the pick and roll. In previous meetings, Coach Nate has tried various defenders on Dirk, including Przybilla. This experiment did not work, as it appears than Joel's relationship with the basket is similar to Superman's with the sun: the farther he gets from it, the weaker he becomes. Fortunately, Striker has the solution: LaMarcus Aldridge.
LaMarcus matches up perfectly against Dirk on the defensive end. Dirk likes to step outside and shoot the jumpshot? LMA can do that. Dirk is 7-feet tall and shoots from above his head? LMA is 6'11" with a 7'5" wingspan, he can do that. Dirk enjoys reading and playing the saxophone? Better bring an extra set of reeds.
If the Blazers put Aldridge on Dirk and Batum on Terry in the fourth quarter, they should be able to effectively counter any of a), b), or c) above. Even if they switch, Batum is long enough to challenge Dirk's jumper, and LMA has quick enough feet to at least slow Terry down and wait for help.
C – Erik Dampier
I know what you’re thinking. How could we POSSIBLY hope to contain the former self-proclaimed greatest center in the Western Conference?
The short answer? We can’t. It’s not a feasible option. Big Damp Dawg goes where he wants when he wants, and you better pray to GOD that you don’t happen to be in the way.
OK, look. While it’s sad that Dampier suffers from Channing Frye’s giant-body-baby-head disease, that doesn’t excuse his lack of offensive skills. It doesn’t take a genius to see that Damp gets most of his points from put-backs after offensive boards and the occasional dunk after a poorly defended pick and roll. If we’re committed to sliding under that ball screen when Kidd has the pill (which we should be), Erika should have zero room to catch and score off the roll to the hoop. Put a body on him on shot attempts and that should be a rap. If he wants to shoot an eight-footer, for the love of God, LET HIM.
One last thing. While generally a slow-moving, uncoordinated sloth beast, on the defensive end, Dampier is actually a half-decent shot blocker. Now, normally I’d say that we should still be aggressive and go to the basket in the hopes of forcing the big man’s hand and putting him in foul trouble. However, since a Dampier exit usually produces a Brandon Bass appearance, maybe we should take a page from Frank Costanza, stop short, and toss in some five-foot floaters in the lane. More explanation will be given in the upcoming Bench section.
No, I know. You’re totally, like, BRISTLING with anticipation. Try not to pass out.
Bench:
The scariest thing about the Dallas bench is that Jason Terry sits on it. A consensus top-3 sixth man in the league, Jason Terry is one of those bench players that comes off the bench, not because he is not starter-quality, but to provide that spark in the middle of the first quarter (a la Ginobili). The Mavs' second leading scorer at 19.8 points and 3.6 assists, he takes over the major ball-handling responsibilities in the fourth quarter (we've already discussed the Mavs late-game offense) and is well known for "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" after he scores a clutch bucket. I guess the maneuver is a reference to the fact that he looks like a bird? I don't know. Putting Nic Batum or Roy on him in the fourth quarter would be our best bet to prevent this atrocity.
The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime!
(A little research has discovered that Jason Terry in fact calls himself "JET," so I assume this retarded-looking celebration is a reference to that. Too bad, I'm not changing the name.)
Let it be known: Here at Kobestoppers we HATE JJ Barea. With a fiery passion. Maybe this is because he seems to go 6-9 from the field with 6 assists and 9 rebounds every time we play them. For some reason (Sergio? Bayless?) our second unit allows Barea to get approximately 4 offensive rebounds against us. This is unacceptable. The Mavs are an excellent defensive rebounding team, but that does not excuse long offensive rebounds by their backup PG. Put a body on him on the glass and get in his face when he spots up and Barea should be no problem.
Brandon Bass is an oversized PF that actually has decent range (especially from the baseline). He rebounds just as well as Dampier, probably blocks shots just as well, and has a habit of playing out of his MIND against us.
The rest of the bench includes guys named Jerry, Devean, Matt, and Ryan. No, they aren't quirky roommates from the latest CBS sitcom, they are basketball players. Just not very good ones. Don't let 'em beat you.
Also worth noting is the fact that, while the Mavs have been consistently relevant within the Western Conference for the last 8 years, they have shown the inability to win big games. From their epic collapse in the Finals against D-Wade and the Miami Officials...er..Heat in 2006 to their shocking upset by eighth-seeded Golden State in 2007, the Mavericks have never quite gotten over that hump to become an elite team.
Can they pull off an eighth-seed upset of their own over the Lakers?
*Help provided on this quote from Kobestopper Adam, and I promised I would publish this original artistic piece for him in return:
Listen up blondes, brunettes and bald people,
one of Chris Andersen's parents is a bald eagle.
and the other happens to be a fire breathing dragon,
he was kicked out the NBA but now he's back on the wagon.
He took "birdman" instead of "bird-dragon man" because it's easier to say,
he was hatched from an egg 477 years ago to this day.
That might seem just a tad bit old for ya,
but that's the truth, and he hatched in eastern Mongolia.
He plays basketball at a mile high pace,
and last week he smashed a basketball into Rudy Fernandez's face.
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