Wednesday
Heat at Hawks: Game 2, Atlanta leads 1-0
- Oh my God. They have a LIVE HAWK chained to some guard rail on the lower level. Is that allowed? Aren't there regulations against -- OH MY GOD IT'S F***ING LOOSE. Spirit the Falcon has now attached himself to the basket support behind the glass. What is going on? Don't they have to stop play because of this? How is this safe? Couldn't he -- OK NOW HE'S PERCHED ON ONE OF TNT'S CAMERAS. Will somebody take care of this, please? Oh my God, now the bird is actually DIVE BOMBING the playing surface, and....and...Danny Crawford is mildly amused??? Oh boy. The same cannot be said for Kenny Mauer. I pity that poor falconer.
- Did you guys like Erik Spoelstra in "The Guru" as much as I did?
- I just noticed Zaza Pachulia has the most epic back-acne I've ever seen. Dear God, TNT, cut away from it! Cut away!!!
- I want to see Mike Brown vs. Mike Woodson in a Mr. Potato Head Competition. My money's on Woodson. Joe, I know you're going to disagree, and I will gladly take your money.
- OK, you might wanna guard Dwyane Wade right about now. He's sort of destroying you and evening the seri -- annnnnd it's too late.
Hornets at Nuggets: Game 2, Denver leads 1-0
- PJ's sporting a yellow sportcoat/tie combo that would even make Jack Ramsay cringe. Yikes.
- Of course, it's hard to properly enjoy PJ's outfit when the audio and video aren't synched for the start of the game. TNT: We know five second delays on live sporting events.
- Matt Devlin: "And HERE. COMES. THE BIRDMAN!" Every time I see Andersen snarl, my ulcer eats through my stomach lining just a tiny bit more.
- Note to PJ: Clear your DAMN throat during the next commercial break. It's like listening to gravel being thrown into a wood chipper. Unless of course you're still suffering some ill effects from the Latrell Sprewell incident, in which case, my bad.
- If I have to watch one more ad for either "Meet the Browns" or "House of Payne," I swear to God I'm going to destroy my roommate's really, really expensive television.
- Birdman gathers a Billups miss and throws it down over two innocent Hornet bystanders as the Pepsi Center erupts. Hornets fans everywhere are frantically trying to come up with reasons not to pull a Chris Walken in "Deer Hunter."
- After an easy alley-oop from Paul to Chandler, George Karl makes his "Oh f***, I just saw my daughter on Girls Gone Wild" face.
- Rex Chapman in the booth! Represent! Wait, did he used to play basketball or something? The good news is, if he drops about 40 pounds, he could totally land a gig next to Berman and Golic on the NutriSystem commercials.
- I have to tell you guys, I absolutely adore "Dog the Bounty Hunter." I love his hair. I love his lady's enormous bust. I love his family of Hunters. I love that he loves Jesus and always gives the fugitives his life story when he brings them in. What? Oh, the game? Don't worry about it. It was over at halftime.
Thursday
Celtics at Bulls: Game 3, series tied 1-1
- Pierce is shredding the Bulls early. He’s five-for-five with 11 points, and we’re only six minutes into the game. How much longer can he keep this up before he needs a hip replacement and/or is committed to a mental institution? This type of intensity can’t be healthy. Look at KG, for God’s sake.
- What do you guys think Brad Miller’s maximum vertical leap is at this point? Four inches? Five? I think we need to have an Old Guy Combine so we can find these things out for certain. Outside of Miller’s vert, highlights would include Shaq’s baseline-to-baseline and Jason Kidd’s shuttle drill. And we could make it really interesting by applying side bets to each competition. Like, if Kidd doesn’t beat Collin Cowherd’s time, he has to retire. Tell me you wouldn’t watch this.
- Stretching the lead to 12, Rondo channels Bob Cousy and hits Cry Baby Davis down low for an easy two with a beautiful look-away bounce pass. Vinnie calls time to stop the bleeding (T-minus 18 minutes until total depletion of allowed timeouts!)
- Scalabrine sighting! That white-on-green number 44 has never looked so sexy. My God, it’s like Danny Ainge gained 200 pounds by eating nothing but corndogs and Velveeta. If Scalabrine’s nickname isn’t already The White Whale, it should be. They should make a bio-pic about Scalabrine called My Big Fat Pale Ugly Worthless Basketball Player.
- Wow, while I was ranting, it seems Boston went up 59-37. Must be the Scalabrine factor.
- With Boston up 26 with 4:00 to play in the third, we are treated to a Tim Thomas Special. Here’s the rundown of events: Tim receives the ball with the shot clock winding down, takes a couple of complacent dribbles, jacks up a 20-footer that’s partially blocked by Baby Davis, falls to his backside, then, presumably to prevent the potentially deadly five-on-four advantage that Boston would have, fouls Rondo in the backcourt while still lying on the ground. I don’t even want to know many Chicago fans just screamed, “GOOD GOD, JUST GET UP OFF THE FLOOR YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!!” To any Bucks, Clippers or Suns fans who happen to be reading this right now, this is your cue to nod and smile. Tim Thomas, everybody!
- The lead is an even 30, and we have an ongoing battle of titans down on the block: Brian Scalabrine vs. Aaron Gray. If I had my way, this would be the UFC’s next main event. Can you even picture these two throwing down? It would finally answer the age-old question of “who would win if a 300-pound vanilla Snack Pack fought a goofy, effeminate polar bear?” I should probably stop watching this game now, huh?
Lakers at The Family Circus: Game 3, Lakers lead 2-0
- I feel like this picture speaks for itself:
In case you were wondering, I like the Lakers in 5. Two weeks ago, when Striker and I conceived of doing a potential playoff preview (you know, before we got lazy and abandoned the concept after we did two teams...) featuring the Family Cir...er...the Jazz, this is what we wrote:Let's be honest here, the Jazz have been bitten by the injury bug as hard or harder than any other team in the Western Conference. First it was Deron Williams' ankle, then Boozer's knee, then Jeffy skinned his elbow, then Kirilenko, then PJ messed his diapers, then Boozer again, then Thelma caught a cold and couldn't watch the kids, even Millsap for a while. It wasn't until the last few weeks that the Jazz managed to field a full roster and they responded by posting a 12-game winning streak from mid February through March. Things were looking good in SLC.
And then they decided to visit the Rose Garden. Oops.
Hey, whose idea do you think it was to come to Portland? I bet it was Jeffy's. He's always getting into trouble without regard for potential consequences. It's OK, Jeffy, Gramps still loves you. Although actually, in Utah's Family Circus, Grandpa Sloan probably loves absolutely no one. That's not a knock on the players; that's just a comment on the frequency with which Jerry Sloan sports his "f*** my life, we just turned the ball over again" face, which to me indicates that he's a little frustrated with his team's inability to win on the road.
Now this doesn't mean that Grandpa Sloan doesn't care for his youngsters; it just means that he's a crazy, ancient, irritable sloth who wants things done his way. But those darned kids just won't listen to him. All they want to do is head on down to the Sugar Bowl and order double-scoop waffle cones that poor old Gramps will have to pay for. And all the while, he'll have to listen to Thelma's whiny, nasally exaggerations about how talented and precocious his team is on the inside.
Oh, Billy! You mispronounced spumoni! What a hilarious misunderstanding!
I'm not really sure what that has to do with anything at this point, but I figured it would give us all another excuse to laugh at the Jazz, so....you know, there it is.
- Back to the game, and I must admit that I love, love, LOVE the way Marv Albert says "Ariza." Try it out; it's fun. Trevorrrr UhhhhRRREEEEEEEZUHHHHH.
- I seem to have nodded off for the majority of the second quarter. I was awakened in the middle of the third period when Phil Jackson called a timeout. Now, I'll have to check my Bible, but I'm pretty sure that's one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse. Yep, never mind, pestilence is already riding out onto the court. We're all screwed.
- Wow, Jerry Sloan is actually giving Craig Sager a decent interview as the fourth quarter starts. That has to be the most informative, least "get the hell out of my face" in-game interview I've ever seen a coach give to a sideline reporter.
- Suddenly the Jazz are charging, and it's a three point game with 10 minutes to play. Don't go away on this one.
- Matt Harpring is tearing it UP. The brilliant strategist he is, Coach Jackson decides to remove Luke Walton from the game in favor of someone who can stay in front of Matt Harpring -- you know, like Bea Arthur.
- With Utah up three with 3:21 remaining, Deron Williams is called for an eight-second violation. Would you like me to repeat that, insane Jazz fans who still insist that D-Will is better than CP3? OK, fine. One play does not a season make, and Chris hasn't exactly been scorching against the Nugs, but I don't care. If I could pick one guy in the world to run my team from the point, it would be Chris Paul, and I have a feeling that just about everybody outside of Salt Lake City would agree with me.
- It would seem that the Mamba was only destined to strike at ninety-EIGHT percent accuracy and precision at maximum speed this evening. Hey, maybe this will turn into a series after all. Anything the Family Circus can do to tire the legs of LA before we face them in round two is fine by me.
That's all she wrote, maniacs. Start smearing on that war paint for tomorrow night.
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