Mamba invades NBA Playoff Sunday

In an effort to distract myself from what transpired on Saturday night, I've decided to share my notes from Sunday's playoff games with you fine folks. Prepare to snicker like you've never snickered before. Up first:

Jazz at KOBE

- "The time I realized I was better than everyone else was my senior year of high school." Wow, Kobe, I never would have thought that about you. I mean, you do such a great job of hiding how great you think you are. YOU ARE THE KANYE WEST OF BALLPLAYERS. Ten-to-one says that Kobe dances to "Goodbye Horses" in front of a full body mirror like Buffalo Bill before every game.

- Nine straight points by Utah coming out of the half, and still Phil Jackson refuses to call timeout. You know, there's something endearing about his stubbornly hands-off approach to coaching. Even when Rambis was filling in for him, no timeouts were called. It's like Phil was lying there with his leg all swollen, going over the game plan with Kurt, and he instructed him to never ask for time. Rambis is all worried about getting Kobe enough touches and how many minutes he should play Bynum, and Phil is like, "No. F***ing. TIMEOUTS. Got it?"

- Mark my words: AK-47 can still be a dangerous player for somebody, especially since nobody's going to pay him when his contract expires in two years. I have a feeling that some team is going to steal him off the wire for dirt cheap in 2011. That is, if he doesn't get traded before that and experience his resurgence just in time to sign another huge contract. The NBA: where trying hard during contract years happens.

- "Mama, there goes that man." You guys couldn't see it, but Mark Jackson just made that little cross with his forearms from the broadcast booth when he said that. Sick dunk by the Mamba, though. I gotta admit.

- Also, as a little bonus, that clip depicts Deron Williams earning the Jazz a moral victory by denying those soulless Laker fans free tacos. Also, the Jazz came back and kept it competitive enough to make Phil play Kobe in the fourth quarter. Good stuff.

76ers at Magic

- Why do networks insist on hiring the WORST coaches as color commentators? I mean, I realize that typically the bad coaches are the ones in the unemployment line, but PJ Carlesimo? Really? You couldn't find Brian Hill's number in the ol' Rolodex, huh?

- Actually, never mind. PJ just said, "Not in my hood!" after Dwight Howard swatted Andre Igoudala. I love him now.

- Tony DiLeo is pulling out what little hair he has left after his team allowed Humpty Dumpty Anothony Johnson to go coast-to-coast for a dunk. On the plus side, we all learned that Anthony Johnson is capable of dunking a basketball today. Sources informed me that Otis Smith had to be restrained so he wouldn't sign Johnson to a six-year, $90 million deal.

- Hmmmm...there must be some mistake. I see JJ Redick on the floor. Um, Stan? It's only an 11-point game. You might want to hold off on giving your ball boy minutes until you've regained a little more momen -- oh, never mind. You lost.

Heat at Hawks

- *Insert mandatory "Erik Spoelstra looks like he's going to a middle school dance" joke here.*

- Looks like Cheryl Miller has recovered from her street brawl with Scot Pollard. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed that the situation didn't escalate further than it did. I would pay SO MUCH MONEY to see them go at in in Thunderdome. Man, I wish they had played that game of one-on-one. What if Pollard just backed her down and shot layups all day? There's no way she could stop that. I want Scot Pollard to become the Andy Kaufman of one-on-one hoops. I can just see him building himself a belt out of cardboard and Bedazzler rhinestones that reads "World Intergender Basketball Champion." Then, out of nowhere, Reggie busts onto the set to defend his big sister's honor by challenging Pollard. Incredulous, Pollard hisses like Gollum and shouts, "I do not play against MEN!!!" Tell me you wouldn't watch that.

- Yeah, um, sombody might want to put a body on Josh Smith around the basket. Might be helpful.

- Considering the game was a curb-stomping, I switched over to G4 and caught a couple episodes of "Human Wrecking Balls." Could you have guessed that in the Man vs. Airplane and Man vs. Office Building competitions that Man would kick ass BOTH TIMES???? I love this show.

- Another advantage to watching G4? I was bombarded by a mind-numbingly idiotic debate about whether robots or zombies would be first to take over the world. Clearly, the answer is robots.

Hornets at Nuggets

- I want to see Antonio Daniels face off against George Hill in the World Series of Inadequate Backup Point Guards. I'm taking Hill as a slight favorite. I think he's just a TINY bit more worthless than Daniels.

- Chauncy vs. CP3 is going to give Rose vs. Rondo a run for the money. I love the playoffs.

- If Chandler and Birdman don't come to blows at least once during this series, I'm chalking it up as a disappointment.

- JR Smith just hit the lane out of control and threw the ball to somebody in the third row, causing George Karl to make his "Hooo boy, I should NOT have ordered that jambalaya" face.

- With the game well out of hand, JR hits another heavily contested shot and begins screaming like a mad man. I do not know exactly what he was saying, but I know that it was definitely profanity-laced. The NBA: It's for the children.


That's all for now, maniacs, but there's plenty more where that came from. So make sure to keep on coming back to Uncle George's Jambalaya Hut for all the worthless, snarky playoff coverage you can fit on your plate.