Houston, we have a problem, and other cliches

At approximately 7:27 PST on Wednesday, I was a happy man.

I had just watched the Dallas Mavericks recover from a 14-point second half deficit behind the fourth-quarter shenanigans of Jason Terry to defeat the Rockets in the final game of the regular season. A few minutes earlier, I had watched an ESPN in-game update showing Chris Paul dishing a ridiculous spin move assist to David West which put the Hornets up 5 with less than a minute to go. I giddily began sending out celebratory text messages to the tune of: "Lakers don't want us in the second round? Try the WCF!!"

My bad, guys.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. A 54-28 record, home court in the first round, and the first Blazer playoff run in six years seemed a far cry from reality a few month ago. It was just that, for the moments before I saw that cursed tying three by Michael from Lost (Why are you hitting threes? Walt just ran off into the jungle after his dog! Go tell Locke to stay away from your boy!) I was looking forward to playing the New Orleans Hornets.

Alas, it was not to be. Instead, the Blazers will face the formidable Houston Rockets in the round one, leading us at Kobestoppers to question...

What if the 08-09 Houston Rockets remade Apollo 13?


Let's start at the start here. No matter how epic of a storyline a movie may have, no matter how skilled a director may be, no matter how effective an ad campaign is, every great blockbuster film and basketball team needs a star. For Houston, that star is:

Yao Ming as Captain Jim Lovell

The similarities between Yao and Tom Hanks’ character Jim Lovell are almost eerie. Both are perfect captains to spearhead a mission to the moon or the NBA title. Both have spent endless hours dreaming of their ultimate goals and training for those moments. Both are fantastic team players who simultaneously motivate, coach, and reassure their teammates. Both have gigantic, square heads and a 7’5” wingspan.

The point is, there is no one better suited for leader of this mission than Yao.

Averages: 19.7 points, 9.9 rebounds, 1.95 blocks, 55% from the field, 87% from the line, 34 mpg.

Now they just have to find a spacesuit that will fit him…

Tracy McGrady as Ken Mattingly

Two days before the launch of Apollo 13, the crew was shocked by the news that Ken Mattingly had been exposed to German measles. Despite Mattingly's attempts to overrule the doctors, his place on the mission was eventually given to Jack Swigert (see below) and Mattingly was forced to provide aid to the astronauts from the NASA base in Houston.

Remind you of anyone?

Tracy McGrady is the perfect fit to play the role of the unfortunate crew member who was unable to help his crew on their mission.

Ron Artest as Jack Swigert

A late addition to the squad, Ron Artest is built for the role of Jack Swigert. Not only does "Swigert" sound like something Ron-Ron would croon about in one of his songs (DJ Swigert, anyone?), but Swigert is also the character asked to stir the cryogenic oxygen tanks, which leads to the explosion which rocks the ship, ultimately dooming its initial intent to land on the moon and endangering the entire crew.

Could Artest stir the Rockets' proverbial cryogenic oxygen tanks, sending them into a dangerous tailspin? Time will tell.

Shane Battier as Fred Haise

Like Battier's game, Fred Haise is soft-spoken and mild-mannered. Haise is meticulous and excellent at what he does, but the results of his work often go underappreciated. He's the perfect compliment to Jack Swigert, although the two of them may butt heads in terms of style (such as when "in a fit of rage, Haise chastizes Swigert's relative inexperience as the cause of the accident").

When these two personalities can work together, they can make magic on the court and on the screen. When they clash, sparks (and points for the other team) fly.

Rick Adelman as Gene Kranz

Flight director Kranz is the architect and taskmaster for Apollo 13. He prepares the astronauts for their mission pre-launch and is their main source of communication once things go awry. An expert at keeping control of a situation and juggling multiple personalities at once, Kranz's own temper has been known to flare up at times. That said, no one doubts this man's experience and leadership in the clutch.

Aaron Brooks as Barbara Lovell

and

Luis Scola as Marilyn Lovell

There are no real parallels between these last two, other than Luis Scola looks kind of like a girl with horrid facial hair and they both look funny with their faces pasted on women's bodies. OK? Sheesh...cut us some slack.


Semi-Serious Analysis
by BladeTron6000

Oh, you thought that was all? Not even close my friends. Can you believe we're back in the playoffs??? I'm absolutely losing my freaking mind over this. My excitement level is such that I've actually been peeing fire for the past 31 hours. I would go to a doctor, but I'm secretly hoping that this is a new God-given superpower bestowed upon me in response to my rabid Blazer fandom over the years.

Anyway, I've been discussing our opponents for Saturday with my friend (and occasional easy lover) Striker, and we've put together the most comprehensive playoff preview post this side of Blazers Edge.

Actually, I'm going to ramble about the Rockets for like 300 words, and then we're just going to screw around for the rest of the time. What? You were expecting something different?

The Rockets are an athletic squad that we've matched up poorly against in the past. Yao always gives us trouble inside, and Ron Artest typically causes problems for Brandon on the perimeter. There are a few keys to success that we must follow in order to win the series. They are as follows:

1) Box the EFF out

Houston is not a lights-out shooting team from three, but they will absolutely murder you if you give them second chances at the rim. Lost rebounds translates to defensive confusion translates to open looks. This cannot happen. Do not let Luis “See, I’m much better than Fabricio Oberto” Scola beat you.

2) Protect the paint

Houston is most dangerous when getting to the rim. Make them chuck it from the cheap seats with a hand in their grill. This goes for everybody but Battier, Barry and the bigs (obviously). Wafer and AB can be dangerous if they get hot from outside, but I’ll take my chances considering both those guys can run a suicide in about 3.1 seconds.

3) Be strong with the ball

No matter what’s working for us, we have to hold on to that rock. Whether we’re ice cold from outside and trying to make a living at the line, or we’re having success with the drive-and-kick game, Houston is going to slapping at our arms. It’s the playoffs, fellas. Expect this physical team to get even more physical, possibly resulting in “Mean” Chuck Hayes pulling an Ariza on Sergio.

Sidenote: Seriously, doesn’t Chuck remind you of an old school bad-guy pro wrestler? I keep expecting him to walk out on the road scowling at fans and then finish off some poor small forward with a heart-punch. He’s like the Bad News Brown of the Western Conference. I want him to form a tag team with Reggie Evans called the Ghetto Blasters. Oh, was that mildly racist? Oops. My bad.

Hang on to the ball and don’t expect whistles. Go strong to the rack and don’t take no guff off nobody.

4) Take ‘em deep

We have enough energetic youths on standby to conduct a Presidential fitness test at halftime, so why not push the pace? Especially at home, we should have Houston sucking wind by the second period and feeling like they donated a lung to charity when the final whistle blows. There’s no way they can match up with us athletically. Not that Chuck Hayes and Carl Landry aren’t fine specimens or anything. It’s just a different kind of athleticism. When Chuck climbs between those ropes, you KNOW somebody’s going to get choke-slammed. It’s a given. He’s a dominator, a high-impact – oh, damn. I did it again, didn’t I? Crap. My apologies, everybody. Last time, I promise.

5) Help Brandon, and win Game 1

This is probably the most important of the keys. We’re braving new territory as a team, and our supporting cast can’t afford to shrink from the moment. The Natural’s going to have either A) RonRon or B) Battier guarding him for the entire series. That is an absolute nightmare for anybody not named LeBron. Everybody needs to step it up:

- L-Train, I’m looking at you, buddy. You can shoot over anybody they’re going to put in front of you.

- Travis, you’re most likely going to draw Von Wafer. Break him.

- Nicky, it’s time for you to show everybody why you’re the next Scottie. Fly around on D and wreak some havoc. Unleash the Dragon Emperor.

- Greg and Pryz, I got two words for you guys: bash brothers.

- Serge and Stevesie, move that ball. Stagnation in the half court means Brandon firing one up with the shot clock winding down. Not cool beans. Take control of the game and manage the offense.

- Rudy, get your feet set and let it fly, amigo.

- Channing, replicate your performance from Wednesday, and I will personally see to it that you get at least 10 minutes of run.

If we can win Game 1, I think we've got the series locked up. Game 1 will tell us the story of the series.

6) Rick Adelman’s facial hair

OK, forget what I said about number five being the most important. Adelman knows what to expect from the Rose Garden faithful come playoff time. He knows we have that all-important edge, which is why I fear he’ll try to even the score by bringing back the vaunted mustache that led Portland to two NBA finals appearances. God help us if that happens. Pray to The Schonz it does not.


PLUS SOME ROCKETS LINKS?! NO WAY!


Chuck Hayes's free throws : Basketball :: Charles Barkley's golf swing : Golf

I couldn't watch this all the way through either, but it's worth it to just skip to 0:51 for Scola and 1:15 for Mutumbo

Aaron Brooks does a surprisingly good Dikembe Mutumbo

Quality shot selection leads to buckets. That's what I believe.

RonRon's got Old Greg's back, baby. That's respect, right there. Real talk.

Ron Artest: rapper, vocalist, crazy person.


PLUS YEAR-END AWARDS?! WHAT ARE WE, CRAZY?!?!!

The Daniel Laruso We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore Award: Joel Przybilla

The Bret Michaels Oh Wait He Can’t Actually Sing Or Play Guitar Award: Beno Udrih/Marko Jaric

The David Wooderson Making That Face Does Not Change The Fact That You Hang Out With High School Girls Award: Chris Andersen

And we'll leave you maniacs with this link, which has been making the rounds.

PLAYOFFS BABY! GET FIRED UP!!!