1) No Trout tonight. Bruised tailbone for Travis means two things: First, Nicolas and Sergio should definitely get more minutes. Hell, we might even see some B-Rex out there tonight. Oh, and Channing Frye is apparently on the team as well. Second, we will have to defeat the Clippers tonight playing with a roster that is 100% human. Tall order? Yes. But doable? Absolutely.
2) I figure now is as good a time as any to let this gem out of my knapsack. We monitor this site using Sitemeter. It’s a good program that allows us to view not only how many hits we’re getting, but also how people are arriving to our site. Most visitors come to us by relatively normal means, i.e. a shameless plug on BlazersEdge or a Facebook note. One fateful day last week, however, I was blessed to discover that one visitor found his or her way to the site via a Google search for “Rebecca Harlow Nudes.” I’m not sure exactly why Google felt that this would be the place that he was looking for, but…you know, sometimes awesome stuff just happens for no reason. So thank you, random Rebecca Harlow creeper, for visiting our site and brightening our day with your hilarious Google search.
And now, to the BasketGame!
First Quarter
7:11 PM, PST – LMA gets it going early with a fade away over Camby. He’s already shooting the ball better than he did last night. 2-0, Blaze.
7:12 – Zach Randolph was booed in the pre-game, and he’s being booed as he gets his first touch. Please, oh please, let this continue through the entire game.
7:13 – Wow. How old is Dick Bavetta, again? Every day he’s looking more like the Cryptkeeper.
7:14 – Z-Bo is 0-3 to start the game. He just looks off tonight. Guess that’s what happens when you hit that ChronChron before tip-off, huh?
That one was for the time you skipped practice to go to a strip club, you lazy bastard.
7:16 – Stevesie dishes to Brandon for an easy two.
Observations:
1) Greg is getting DEEP position on Z-Bo. Let’s exploit this, shall we?
2) Save for Marcus Camby, the Clips are awful defensively. Again, let’s make ‘em pay.
7:20 – Uh oh. Here comes the PryzbillaMonster. I think Eric Gordon just soiled himself.
7:24 – Mike Barrett informs us that, “Zach has shed his head band.” In other words: LOOK. THE F#*$. OUT.
7:25 – Pryz swats a Baron Davis floater directly to Rudy, who then proceeds to fire a rocketlaser chest pass to Brandon for the transition dunk. That may have been my favorite play of the season so far. Beautiful teamwork.
7:27 – We run a pick and roll at the top of the circle, and Brandon dumps it to the Gorilla for an easy two. Dunleavy wants time. Boy, he looks mad. I think he may have just lost his last hair.
7:29 – All right! Time for tonight’s Aflack Random Guess! What is the record for Blazer shot attempts in a game? What an awesome question. How about….um…122? HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY KNOW THIS??? By the way, Brandon has 11 points thus far.
7:30 – Pick and roll + Give and go + Feral gorilla strength = Three points the old-fashioned way.
7:32 – Beranosaurus Rex sighting. Shhhhhhh!!! Just be still. If you don’t move, he can’t see you.
7:33 – Channing hits the floor for the first time tonight. Well, he seems to be moving well. Let’s just hope that never mind we just turned the effing ball over.
7:36 – Back-to-back threes from Bayless and Rudy. God, they left Rudy WIDE freaking open, too. Yeah, don’t worry about it, Zach. That’s not what they pay you for anyway, right? What’s that? Sorry, man, I can’t hear you. Could you stop firing your illegal firearm for a second? There we go. Much better.
That one was for the time you got busted for street racing while smoking pot with loaded guns in your vehicle. I hate you, Zach.
7:38 – It me, or has that “Feliz Navidad” Corona commercial been running for 20 years? God, what is wrong with you people? Get a new act. There’s only so many times a man can look at a damn palm tree covered in Christmas lights, you know?
Second Quarter
7:42 – Paul Davis does his best Frank Brickowski impression and throws LaMarcus to the floor while going after a rebound. Ok, first of all, if Channing’s foul last night was a flagrant, then this is a flagrant. Personally, I don’t think either one was a flagrant, but at least try to show a shred of consistency. For God’s sake, you’re supposed to be the best refs in the world. All I know is this: if Sabas were still around, this type of thing would not be permitted. Case in point:
7:44 – Mike Rice explains that we don’t want LaMarcus to be “bumping and grinding” with Zach down low. See, I thought he’d been a little quiet so far. Way to make up for lost time, Mike. Get that man another scotch. 34-32, Clipshow.
7:47 – Dunleavy is whistled for a technical foul, and my main man Rudy is headin’ to the line. Hey, you guys think that Rudy is actually, like, a super sweet Spanish robot?
…wait, what?! Did Rudy just miss his second foul shot in as many games? What the heck is going on around here?
Mike Rice: “Ahhhhh…see…see, that was a freebie, right there.”
Right. I agree, because…you know, it’s a FREE THROW. Only you, Mike. Only you.
7:50 – LMA swats Z-Bo and the Spaniards turn it into points with a colossal transition alley-oop. Cosas Buenas!
7:55 – Greg is called for goaltending and busts out an epic frowny face. Not good.
7:58 – LaMarcus is on fire, 44-44.
8:04 – Rice: “This game will be won in the fourth quarter.” How many times has he said that? Now that I think about it, all this is beginning to make more sense. Maybe it’s not booze, you know? Maybe it’s just a case of good old-fashioned senility. Mull that one over and get back to me. At halftime it’s 57-54, Clippers.
I gotta tell you, guys. I’m worried about Greg, and it has nothing to do with his on-court performance. He looks bummed out. Severely. Can you even remember the last time you saw him bust out that goofy grin while he was playing? The dude looks like he hates being on the floor. He looks like he’s getting really frustrated that he’s not going for 25 and 15 every night. It seems like every little mistake he makes, he’s hanging his head and apologizing with his eyes. Maybe I’m wrong. Actually, I hope I’m wrong. But I think we should keep an eye on this, just to be sure.
By the way, I forgot to mention the Clips blue uniforms. Man, how stupid do you…ok, fine. They’re cool. They’re really, really cool. There, I said it. Let’s just move on.
Brian Skinner’s bleach blond goatee is making me laugh and cry at the same time. The beautiful insanity is too much for my feeble mind to comprehend.
Third Quarter
8:23 – Nic hits a three to open the half, and we’re now tied at 47.
8:25 – The good news: Mike Barrett just referred to Brian Skinner’s goatee as an “interesting beard.” The bad news: Skinner’s sitting down. Or, wait…actually, that’s more good news.
8:29 – Greg scores his tenth point on a nice jump hook from six feet. I demand to see more of this. Z-Bo is woefully overmatched against Greg in the post. If we’re all lucky, Greg will “accidentally” fracture Zach’s orbital socket on a Shaq-circa-2001 drop step on his way to a two-fisted slam.
That one was for that time when you paid two women $500 to perform a private sex show for you, then reneged on your payment and were eventually accused of raping one of the women in your hotel room. If that’s not Blazer basketball, I don’t know what is.
8:34 – I’M OLD GREG!!!
8:35 – After a solid stint on the floor, Greg checks out to thunderous applause, and OH MY GOD HE CRACKED A HALF SMILE!!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!
8:36 – No sooner than Greg has left the game, the Monster throws one down like he’s got something to prove. I love these guys. They’re like the Bash Brothers from the Mighty Ducks movies. Now, if only there were a way we could coordinate them so that they each ran along the sideline and slapped every player on the opposing bench in the head with a hockey stick without receiving a lifetime ban from the league. Hmmm…well, let’s brainstorm, anyway. I’ll send a feeler email out to the commish.
8:41 – Rudy miraculously saves the ball from going out of bounds, and Brandon ends up with it. He drives right, spins back left, elevates, draws the foul, AND IT COUNTS!!!!!!! Are you kidding me? This guy is from another universe. Go ahead and carve out his spot in OH NO BRANDON’S HURT AGAIN!!!!!! WHAT IS IT THIS TIME??? BLOODY MURDER!!!!! BLOODY MURDER!!!!! GOOD GOD, HE’S CLUTCHIN HIS WRIST. THAT’S NOT GOOD. THAT. IS. NOT. GOOD. DEAR GOD, I’D DO ANYTHING…ANYTHING TO okay never mind he’s fine. Sorry…I, uh, tend to overreact a little bit when stuff like that happens.
8:44 – Brandon crosses over and hits the paint. He leaps about as high as MJ did at the end of “Space Jam,” and is met by similar resistance in the form of Paul Davis. See, now there’s a guy who could definitely be a Monstar. Brandon hits both free throws, and it’s 83-77, Blazers to end the quarter.
Fourth Quarter
Sidenote: I just noticed how much Eric Gordon looks like Ernie from Sesame Street. That is one round-headed dude.
8:51 – Uh oh. The Clips are pressuring us on the perimeter. We haven’t exactly dealt with this well in the past. Also, Brandon’s in the locker room getting his pinky finger looked at. I am literally quivering with fear right now.
8:53 – OK, the answer to the Afflack Random Stab is….What the hell?! Zach Randolph with 40 shot attempts?! That question was SO misleading. There’s no way we could know it was for individual rather than team shot attempts. Terrible, terrible question, Afflack. By the way, Zach Randolph has a lot of points right now, and it’s making me want to choke something.
8:59 – Brandon is back on the floor, thank God, though he’s playing with only nine fingers. No, he didn’t pull a Ronnie Lott. He just taped two of them together. Anyway, with ONLY NINE FINGERS, Brandon hits a sweet fade-away from 10 to make it 89-86, Blaze.
9:01 – Baron Davis’ beard hits an impossible three pointer. Get that man a shave. He looks like Kimbo Slice’s mini-me.
9:03 – After an exchange that was so riddled with turnovers that the best descriptor I can use to describe it is “high school girls basketball,” Zach is finally fouled and heads to the line. He sinks both, making it 92-91, Clips, with three minutes to go. Uh, guys? What happened to that lead?
9:14 – Brandon hits two free throws, and we’re back up by two.
9:15 – There’s a scramble for the ball, and LMA knocks it out of bounds. In an unprecedented move, the refs actually give us a break and the possession arrow. Mike Dunleavy is so incredibly pissed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a redder, greasier, puffier face in my entire life.
9:16 – Brandon’s up-and-under makes it 96-92, Blaze with 28 seconds to go. Boy, it was touch and go there for a while, but we turned it on when it mattered.
9:17 – Al Thornton makes the toughest shot he’s ever taken to cut the lead to two again. Crap. Nate calls timeout.
9:18 – LA fouls Blake before the ball is even inbounded! I think I can actually see some actual steam coming out of Dunleavy’s ears. How stupid to do you have to be to put Stevesie on the line and oh crap he missed.
9:19 – This time, those crafty Clippers allow us to inbound but immediately foul Blake again. No worries, that last one was just a little hiccup.
9:20 – I glance up at my ceiling and notice a flock of pigs flying around my living room. Whatever, we’re still up two.
9:22 – Baron penetrates and looks to kick out, but it’s STOLEN BY BLAKE!!!!!! WOOOOO!!! They foul, and he’s going to the line yet again. First one goes down smooth. Second one goes down sm…OH WHAT THE HELL, STEVE?????? Three point game with eight ticks left on the clock.
And now, a brief discussion of basketball strategy by Mike “Roundball” Whitman:
All right, there’s eight seconds left, and they’re inbounding at half court. We’re in the penalty, so the smart move here is to foul for possession, even if we are shooting like crap from the line. There’s only eight seconds left. We’re up three points. If we learned anything at all from the Orlando game, we will foul in this situation and put somebody on the line. No, I’m not worried about somebody chucking up a three as we foul them. Just foul hard and fast while somebody’s going away from the basket, and we’re home.
9:30 – Okay, here we go. They inbound to Baron. Rudy’s on him. Dribbling, dribbling, dribbling, dribbling, FOUL FOUL FOUL FOUL FOUL FOUL NO GOD NO DON’T LET HIM…
F*#$ my life.
Overtime
You know what? I could go through and do a play-by-play of the OT, but you all watched it. You know what happened, and frankly, I’m too disgusted to go on.
I have no post-game reactions. I’m sure we’ll post those later after I’ve spent a few days in an insane asylum to “rest up,” as Joe calls it.
One final note: After that three Baron hit, Comcast cut to a shot of Paul Allen sitting in his seat, staring up in the rafters with this CREEPY smile on his face. He may require medical assistance. Dude looked like that Air Force general after he got the life squeezed out of him by Xenia in “Goldeneye.”
Well, take it easy, maniacs. And win, lose, draw, or HEARTBREAKING 3 GAME SKID, go Blazers.
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