What’s up, maniacs? Tough break tonight, what with all the collusion and corruption and whatnot. I mean, seriously, how is that fair? How can David Stern review the tape of that game and still say that his officials are 90 percent accurate? Give me a break. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: just about every NBA ref subscribes to
chaos theory. This works out is great if you’re, say, the LA Kobe or the Cleveland Lebron, because the only consistent factor in the nonlinear equation that is the basketball game is this: when in doubt, give the superduperstar the call. If you happen to be a hardworking group of scrappy youngsters, however, it sucks pretty bad.
Sidenote: Hey Scott. So…I think I might have accidentally broken your Playstation controller when the refs sat on their whistles after BronBron plowed over Pryz in the fourth quarter. I…uh…dropped it. Accidentally, that is. So…um…sorry about that, man.
Now, to business. Since enough of you have been kind enough to read this putrid excuse for a sports blog, I’ve decided to use my Head Stopper powers to create a mailbag segment titled “Droppin’ Q's: Electromailers Wanna Know.”
Actually, you know, now that I’m reading that in print, it kind of sucks. Damn, that sounded so freaking cool in my head, too. Well, this is embarrassing. Um, I guess we’ll just call it “The Mailbag,” then. Or even just “Mailbag.” Yeah.
Anyway, send in your hoops questions, comments and concerns to this address:
mikewhitman33@gmail.com
You send 'em, and we’ll answer them quicker than you can spell Drazen Petrovic. But wait, there’s more!
We’re starting yet another new segment here at Kobestoppers called “Top 5,” wherein we count down our top fiveiest thoughts regarding any and all aspects of the NBA. Luckily for you guys, our inaugural effort is a doozy:
Top 5 Dunks we want to see Rudy pull off in the competitionJust to preface, here’s the IM conversation I had with Joe a few days before Rudy was voted into the contest:
Blade (12:39:07 PM): man, if rudy gets voted in
Blade (12:39:32 PM): how the heck is he going to win that thing???
Striker (12:39:38 PM): he wont Striker (12:39:41 PM): he cant Blade (12:39:43 PM): he gets up, don't get me wrong
Blade (12:39:56 PM): but it's impressive because he's ostensibly a short white guy
Blade (12:40:14 PM): and he does lots of his stuff off back pick alleyoops
Blade (12:40:34 PM): but it won't be 360s and freethrow line dunks
Striker (12:40:44 PM): no probably not Blade (12:40:45 PM): or between the legs or any of that stuff we've gotten used to
Striker (12:40:49 PM): he cant win Striker (12:40:51 PM): theres no way Blade (12:41:03 PM): i want him to be in the 3 ball contest too
Striker (12:41:15 PM): he would be much better in the 3point contest Striker (12:41:16 PM): much betterNow, before you all form an angry mob and light torches and burn us at the stake, just know that our Rudycrush has not faded even in the slightest. If anything, our concern for Rudy is so great that we’re both freaking the hell out about Rudy getting embarrassed by superior athletes. Also, if you haven’t thought about Rudy’s chances and gotten at least a little worried, then you’re lying to yourself.
But do not fear, dear readers, for we have a plan. In order for Rudy to become the NBA’s resident Rocky Balboa, he’s going to have to win with something other than pure athletic ability. Remember, he’s dunking against
this guy. The bottom line is that Rudy has to get creative. All preconceived notions of what a dunk can or should be must be completely abandoned. Basically, Rudy has to reinvent the wheel. Difficult? Of course. But it’s not impossible. Spud did it in
’86, Vince did it in
’00, and we already touched on what Superman did last year. Here are five dunks that could possibly net Rudy that trophy:
5) “Over The Rainbow” – Chances are, you’ve already heard
Ben’s report on BE regarding Rudy’s mastery over the rainbow kick. If he can pull this off, it’ll be jaw-dropping. We saw a little taste of the
Eurofoot dunk-style from Nash and
Stoudamire, but if Rudy lobbed it to himself with the rainbow and threw it down backwards, we’d be in uncharted territory. Speaking of which…
4) “Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country” – If the rainbow lob is the jab, then
this has got to be the right cross. Imagine Rudy coming out of that handspring and exploding toward the rim at light speed. Can Rudy do this move? I have no idea. Is it even physically possible to dunk after doing this? Again, no clue. I’m not a scientist, but I do know this: the more flips you do, the higher you score. So Rudy, get to flippin’.
3) “The Heart Throb” – OK, this is sort of a long one, so bear with me. Rudy starts on the wing, wearing some type of tuxedo T-shirt. He’s holding a big bouquet of roses and sporting some of those fancy-shmansy
euro-style shades. He lobs the ball high in the air, allowing himself time to rip off his shirt and cast the floral arrangement aside. As the ball hangs in the air, we notice that he has something written across his brawny, masculine chest: “TO MY SWEETHEART, LOVE RUDY.” Only then do we notice the stealthy but precise Sergio holding a Polaroid (assuming they can get a hold of some of that extinct film), capturing the photogenic Rudy just as he throws down a reverse jam. After Rudy comes down from a lengthy hang on the rim, he calmly produces a Sharpie from his sock, signs the picture, and gives it to some lucky lady courtside. This wouldn’t be the first time the “lob the ball and take my shirt off” dunk has been performed, but it would be the coolest variation to date. If Rudy also happened to have the words “VOTE ME” written huge on his back, I think this one would get some 10's.
2) “El Matador” – Corral a bull onto the court and dunk over that motherf---er. It’s as simple as that. 50.
1) “Cosas Buenas” aka
“The Chip Douglas” – Sergio stands at the free throw line facing the basket. Rudy floats around half court. As Rudy makes his break for the basket, Sergio bounces the ball straight down and flings himself down on his hands and knees. Rudy then launches off of Serge’s back, picks the ball out of the air like a nectarine, and glides through the air like a Spanish condor before throwing it down with flair. Two points of interest: First, it would be extremely difficult to nail down this timing, Spanish telekinesis or no. Second, I’m not sure if this is actually legal. In fact, it’s probably not. But I figure, hey, if they’re going to allow Howard’s Superman “dunk” (really, more of a toss) based simply on the fact that it was the coolest thing in the history of the world, I imagine they’d look the other way for Rudy as well.
Think you’ve got a better one? Send it to us.
Now get out of here, you filthy animals. Navigate to a real basketball site and start preparing for those Wizards. What’s that? No, there are no “easy” games. You…what? Oh, well, because God might suddenly heal the Hibachi, that’s why. Just…shut up and stop asking me questions.
Except for the mailbag questions. Feel free to ask those.
5.) “Over the Rainbow”: I know that Portland has the greatest interest in hybrid vehicles. If I were to perform a hybrid of soccer and basketball, it would be a homage to this greeniness.
