Top 5: The Dog Guy

Joe pointed this out to me today. I thought you might like to know that Bill Simmons' dog died.

Oh, what's that? You don't care? Wow. Imagine that. Here you were, looking for a sports column, and instead you ended up with a great big heaping pile of sentimental memories. How disappointed you must be.

Here's an excerpt of my IM conversation with Joe during which he sent me the link to the article in question. As you can tell, Joe was a little...um...animated, let's say.

Striker: we should make a quick note
Striker: about how bill simmons has written quite possibly the least-relevant article ever posted on espn
Blade: really?
Blade: what'd he write about?
Striker: his dog died
Blade: oh no
Striker: and he wrote an incredibly long rambling article about it
Striker: which they link to off of the front page
Striker: i mean
Striker: come ON
Striker: yes, thats sad
Striker: fine
Striker: whatever
Blade: i swear to god, simmons has the greatest job in the entire world
Blade: better than the president. better than King of Persia.
Striker: im not going to read a f---ing 2500 article on your f---ing dog that i have no attachment to and have never heard a single thing about in my life
Striker: jesus christ
Blade: carte blanche, dude
Striker: f--- espn for posting that garbage
Blade: he can do whatever he wants
Blade: with no consequences
Blade: none
Striker: f--- him for being so goddamn high and mighty that he thinks everyone else gives a f---
Striker: well yes he CAN do whatever he wants
Striker: we can write whatever we want on our blog
Blade: right
Striker: but we wouldnt do it
Blade: no
Striker: because it would be f---ing retarded
Blade: preach it
Striker: anyway
Striker: thats my rant
Striker: he can have whatever ridiculous opinions he wants, about whatever sports he wants
Striker: but for gods sake
Striker: WRITE ABOUT SPORTS

Look, as a former regular reader of the Sports Guy, I have to give him his due. His informal, stream-of-consciousness style of writing was fun to read and gave me something to aspire to as an 18-year old sports fan and writer. I imagine it's pretty clear to all fifteen people who read my stuff that my writing style is basically a cheap Sports Guy knockoff, which I'm fine with. Simmons is funny, and a ton of people read his stuff.

We may not always agree with his opinions, and we may think that often times he writes with about as much humility as Judge Smails plays golf, but all that would be forgivable if he would just go with what brought him to the dance.

Is it sad his dog died? Absolutely. That sucks. Bill, If you need to take some time off and write something in order to deal with your loss, we totally understand.

But I don't want to read about it on ESPN.

I know you're not a journalist, and I'm not saying you should be. Actually, I can't think of anything I'd rather be less than a journalist right now. But you ARE a sports writer for America's biggest sports media outlet, and it seems like you've been forgetting that fact more and more frequently.

It's fine if you don't want to write straight sports. Mixing personal anecdotes and pop culture references into the body of a column provides color and is hands down more entertaining to read than a stat sheet. Or, if you want to get more serious and write about life and death, that's OK, too. The piece you wrote about Jas Shaw's death was excellent. Outside of the 800 words you spent recapping the plot of "The Wire," I mean.

Bill, the bottom line is this: I'm afraid after reading that column that I can no longer halfheartedly defend you. Like my quasi-allegiance to the Kansas City Chiefs for no reason other than Joe Montana being traded from my beloved Niners, so too must my sometime loyalty to Bill Simmons die painfully in the fires of sports hell.

Am I just as bad for devoting an entire post to why I'm upset with Bill Simmons, even though he has no idea who I am? Actually, I think that makes me worse. Ah, screw it. So, I'm a hypocrite. That's not such a bad thing to be, right? And this list is going to be so much fun.

Here are the top five things we're tired of Bill Simmons writing about instead of sports:

5) House, The Guy Who Knows Things, and "that one time in Vegas..."

I don't care about the text that House just sent you, Bill. I really don't. But you know what I care about even less? That incredible run you had at the blackjack tables at 4 AM that one time. Write about sports.

4) That cute thing that his daughter did - aka "How can I reconcile my love for my little girl with my hatred for the WNBA."

I'm sure your daughter is lovely, Bill. We get it. You're a dad. Things are changing for you. We all hate the WNBA. Write about sports.

3) His dog, now, apparently.

For the love of God, write about sports.

2) "You guys know I totally worked on Jimmy Kimmel Live, right? It was pretty much the coolest thing in the ENTIRE WORLD."

Blah, blah, blah. Cousin Sal. Adam Corolla. Blah blah. Matthew McConaughey.

Write about sports.

1) The Sports Gal

We have our own wives and girlfriends, Bill. Well, not me, because I'm a huge loser...but a lot of your readers have their own wives and girlfriends, Bill. They understand the difference between men and women. They read sports in order to ESCAPE the nagging and the US Weekly and the Dr. Phil, not to read about how you're suffering through all that during your personal adventure in marriage.

Write...well, you know.

Quick Update: Mailbags and Top 5s

What’s up, maniacs? Tough break tonight, what with all the collusion and corruption and whatnot. I mean, seriously, how is that fair? How can David Stern review the tape of that game and still say that his officials are 90 percent accurate? Give me a break. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: just about every NBA ref subscribes to chaos theory. This works out is great if you’re, say, the LA Kobe or the Cleveland Lebron, because the only consistent factor in the nonlinear equation that is the basketball game is this: when in doubt, give the superduperstar the call. If you happen to be a hardworking group of scrappy youngsters, however, it sucks pretty bad.

Sidenote: Hey Scott. So…I think I might have accidentally broken your Playstation controller when the refs sat on their whistles after BronBron plowed over Pryz in the fourth quarter. I…uh…dropped it. Accidentally, that is. So…um…sorry about that, man.

Now, to business. Since enough of you have been kind enough to read this putrid excuse for a sports blog, I’ve decided to use my Head Stopper powers to create a mailbag segment titled “Droppin’ Q's: Electromailers Wanna Know.”

Actually, you know, now that I’m reading that in print, it kind of sucks. Damn, that sounded so freaking cool in my head, too. Well, this is embarrassing. Um, I guess we’ll just call it “The Mailbag,” then. Or even just “Mailbag.” Yeah.

Anyway, send in your hoops questions, comments and concerns to this address:

mikewhitman33@gmail.com

You send 'em, and we’ll answer them quicker than you can spell Drazen Petrovic. But wait, there’s more!

We’re starting yet another new segment here at Kobestoppers called “Top 5,” wherein we count down our top fiveiest thoughts regarding any and all aspects of the NBA. Luckily for you guys, our inaugural effort is a doozy:

Top 5 Dunks we want to see Rudy pull off in the competition

Just to preface, here’s the IM conversation I had with Joe a few days before Rudy was voted into the contest:

Blade (12:39:07 PM): man, if rudy gets voted in
Blade (12:39:32 PM): how the heck is he going to win that thing???
Striker (12:39:38 PM): he wont
Striker (12:39:41 PM): he cant
Blade (12:39:43 PM): he gets up, don't get me wrong
Blade (12:39:56 PM): but it's impressive because he's ostensibly a short white guy
Blade (12:40:14 PM): and he does lots of his stuff off back pick alleyoops
Blade (12:40:34 PM): but it won't be 360s and freethrow line dunks
Striker (12:40:44 PM): no probably not
Blade (12:40:45 PM): or between the legs or any of that stuff we've gotten used to
Striker (12:40:49 PM): he cant win
Striker (12:40:51 PM): theres no way
Blade (12:41:03 PM): i want him to be in the 3 ball contest too
Striker (12:41:15 PM): he would be much better in the 3point contest
Striker (12:41:16 PM): much better

Now, before you all form an angry mob and light torches and burn us at the stake, just know that our Rudycrush has not faded even in the slightest. If anything, our concern for Rudy is so great that we’re both freaking the hell out about Rudy getting embarrassed by superior athletes. Also, if you haven’t thought about Rudy’s chances and gotten at least a little worried, then you’re lying to yourself.

But do not fear, dear readers, for we have a plan. In order for Rudy to become the NBA’s resident Rocky Balboa, he’s going to have to win with something other than pure athletic ability. Remember, he’s dunking against this guy. The bottom line is that Rudy has to get creative. All preconceived notions of what a dunk can or should be must be completely abandoned. Basically, Rudy has to reinvent the wheel. Difficult? Of course. But it’s not impossible. Spud did it in ’86, Vince did it in ’00, and we already touched on what Superman did last year. Here are five dunks that could possibly net Rudy that trophy:

5) “Over The Rainbow” – Chances are, you’ve already heard Ben’s report on BE regarding Rudy’s mastery over the rainbow kick. If he can pull this off, it’ll be jaw-dropping. We saw a little taste of the Eurofoot dunk-style from Nash and Stoudamire, but if Rudy lobbed it to himself with the rainbow and threw it down backwards, we’d be in uncharted territory. Speaking of which…

4) “Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country” – If the rainbow lob is the jab, then this has got to be the right cross. Imagine Rudy coming out of that handspring and exploding toward the rim at light speed. Can Rudy do this move? I have no idea. Is it even physically possible to dunk after doing this? Again, no clue. I’m not a scientist, but I do know this: the more flips you do, the higher you score. So Rudy, get to flippin’.

3) “The Heart Throb” – OK, this is sort of a long one, so bear with me. Rudy starts on the wing, wearing some type of tuxedo T-shirt. He’s holding a big bouquet of roses and sporting some of those fancy-shmansy euro-style shades. He lobs the ball high in the air, allowing himself time to rip off his shirt and cast the floral arrangement aside. As the ball hangs in the air, we notice that he has something written across his brawny, masculine chest: “TO MY SWEETHEART, LOVE RUDY.” Only then do we notice the stealthy but precise Sergio holding a Polaroid (assuming they can get a hold of some of that extinct film), capturing the photogenic Rudy just as he throws down a reverse jam. After Rudy comes down from a lengthy hang on the rim, he calmly produces a Sharpie from his sock, signs the picture, and gives it to some lucky lady courtside. This wouldn’t be the first time the “lob the ball and take my shirt off” dunk has been performed, but it would be the coolest variation to date. If Rudy also happened to have the words “VOTE ME” written huge on his back, I think this one would get some 10's.

2) “El Matador” – Corral a bull onto the court and dunk over that motherf---er. It’s as simple as that. 50.

1) “Cosas Buenas” aka “The Chip Douglas” – Sergio stands at the free throw line facing the basket. Rudy floats around half court. As Rudy makes his break for the basket, Sergio bounces the ball straight down and flings himself down on his hands and knees. Rudy then launches off of Serge’s back, picks the ball out of the air like a nectarine, and glides through the air like a Spanish condor before throwing it down with flair. Two points of interest: First, it would be extremely difficult to nail down this timing, Spanish telekinesis or no. Second, I’m not sure if this is actually legal. In fact, it’s probably not. But I figure, hey, if they’re going to allow Howard’s Superman “dunk” (really, more of a toss) based simply on the fact that it was the coolest thing in the history of the world, I imagine they’d look the other way for Rudy as well.

Think you’ve got a better one? Send it to us.

Now get out of here, you filthy animals. Navigate to a real basketball site and start preparing for those Wizards. What’s that? No, there are no “easy” games. You…what? Oh, well, because God might suddenly heal the Hibachi, that’s why. Just…shut up and stop asking me questions.

Except for the mailbag questions. Feel free to ask those.