Running Diary - Wizards at Blazers

1/25/09
6:47, PST

Pre-game thoughts

- I was able to flip on Comcast early enough to catch most of the pre-game show. I just want to take this opportunity to pat myself on the back and say, “great decision, Mike.” The package of Sergio playing a full-court game with all these elementary school kids was absolutely priceless. Somebody should tell Serge that he probably shouldn’t show off his sick handles and obvious superiority when playing against children half his height. It was eerily similar to Cosmo Kramer’s karate class. Oh well, something to work on for next time, right?

- This was an especially amusing Google search that navigated yet another inevitably unsatisfied customer to the Kobe Stop Shop. To answer your question, dear reader, I have absolutely no f---ing clue why everybody goes crazy for Brian Scalabrini.

- Don’t catch the Songaila. I hear it’s been going around.

- Thank GOD I’m finally getting to watch a game in HD around here. I was losing my freaking mind. Seriously, I felt like an animal while I was watching that standard-def garbage. It was like some wild beast was pooping on my eyeballs or something. I even stopped using utensils to eat my traditional in-game meal, because I didn’t really see the point in adhering to the simple f---ing conventions of common f---ing courtesy while right before my very eyes my f---ing intelligence was being insulted by THIS PUTRID OPTICAL ONSLAUGHT OF BLURRINESS AND SORROW.

- Joe Prunty: I like you OK, but you’re no Dean Demopoulos.

Time for some Kobestoppers’ Mini-Keys:

- Hold Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison to fewer than 40 points combined. Make them take tough shots, and don’t lose Nick Young around that three-point line, especially in the second half.

- Establish Greg down low early and often. The Wiz should have no answer for his size and growing offensive repertoire. Heck, even run the offense through him. I think we’ve reached that point, don’t you?

First Quarter

7:11 – We start the game with two ugly possessions, and we give up an uncontested lay-up. Great.

7:13 – Brandon drives though traffic and switches hands about four times, mid-air, before finally deciding, “yeah…I think I’ll use my right hand for this one. Yeah, let’s use Ol’ Righty. You know, just to mix it up.” Something tells me he’s looking to get started early and regain that 52-point form.

7:17 – Non-existent charge called on Greg. Thank you, Steve Javie! That’s EXACTLY what our young center needs! We wouldn’t want him to get TOO comfortable with his back to the basket, now would we? Mmmmmm? Mmmmmmm?

**makes Judge Smails face**

7:22 – Sexy jump hook by Greg. He’s looking sharp on offense and affecting shots on defense. Take that, Steve Javie.

7:24 – LaMarcus absolutely emasculates Jamison down low and dunks the ball like he wanted revenge on it for slapping his mama.

7:25 – LMA does the exact same thing on the next possession. Seriously, Antawn may want to go back to the locker room and get checked out by the team physician. You know, just to make sure he’s okay after those back-to-back on-court castrations.

7:27 – The Blaze are playing excellent team D. If we’d stop turning the ball over, we’d probably be up 19 instead of nine.

7:30 – Aflac time! Wilt grabbed the most boards ever against the Blaze with 31. Who is second on that list? My money (for the first time ever, incidentally) is on Kareem.

7:33 – I’m pretty sure Trav actually left the troposphere on that put-back attempt. Unfortunately, he was shoved during the play, so he missed the shot. What’s that? Hahahaha, no, no, of course there were no whistles. Why would there be? You clearly haven’t watched enough NBA basketball. Silly goose. The good news is that despite the missed bucket, Trav did register an offensive rebound. If he grabs five total tonight, Mike Rice has promised to take him out to lunch. There’s a sitcom premise if I ever saw one.

Sidenote – The new “Courtside” commercial is hilarious for multiple reasons, but I was actually quite impressed with Mike Barrett’s handles. Watching him spin that ball on his finger and rifle that left-handed chest pass, I immediately entertained the possibility that Barrett is a baller and smiled with delight at the prospect of playing with him in a pickup game. Watching Rice and Wheeler, however, I could only think of that disgusting, gluey, ice-cold porridge I was made to choke down every morning as a youngster. Yuck.

Second Quarter

7:39 – Our energy sucks to start the quarter. Looks like we’ve slipped into our well known but widely despised “well, these guys aren’t that good, so let’s just start screwing around” mode. The Wiz are on a 12-3 run.

7:43 – Greg is everywhere. He’s crashing the boards, moving his feet on defense and getting great position down low. He’s doing everything right. His energy is keeping us alive during this otherwise frustrating mental lapse. He just drew a charge against Jamison. Greg for president.

7:51 – A beautiful double team forces the Wiz to throw it away. On the break, Rudy lobs to Brandon who misses a tough finish, but the rebound is put back by Travis with a thunderous jam. What do you bet Travis was muttering “Applebees, Applebees, Applebees…” to himself as he sprinted toward the rack for that jam?

Mike Rice: master motivator.

8:03 – Well, the game has sort of deteriorated to what I would lovingly refer to as either “rat” or “jungle” ball. We’re up 36-28, but I’m having a hard time keeping track of the game due to both the sloppy play and my roommate playing “Velociraptor Safari” on his laptop right next to me. And yes, it is EXACTLY as cool as it sounds.

8:06 – Sergio fouls Caron on a three-point attempt with 4.9 seconds left in the half. How do you say “stupid” in Spanish? 39-31, Blazers.

Halftime Thoghts

- Greg is awesome.

- Antawn Jamison forgot to show up in the first half. Don’t expect him to repeat his performance for the last two quarters.

- Make some shots, and we will win this game. Seriously, we had to shoot like 15 percent in that second quarter. Make shots. Win the game. No, I don’t…I said…I SAID I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, OKAY? THE LAST THING I NEED IS THE F---ING “THERE’S MORE TO THE GAME THAN SHOOTING” SPEECH FROM F---ING HOOSIERS RIGHT NOW, OKAY??? JUST…just…make some shots, and everything will be cool. Okay, hands in.

**looks around huddle with intensity**

I love you guys. TEAM!!!

Third Quarter

8:30 – Sergio dishes to Nic, then Roy for back-to-back treys. It would appear that we’ve suddenly remembered how to shoot the basketball. Unfortunately, so have the Wizards. Looks like the two-headed, white-wig-wearing dog monster known as CarAntawn is heating up. By the way, Brandon has six steals.

8:31 – Just so you guys know, “GRED ODEN” cups are now available for purchase at McDonald’s. Nicely done, CSN graphics designer.

8:33 – Nicolas does his best Dominique Wilkins impression off another Sergio assist. I actually shivered when he threw that one down.

8:34 – I’M OLD GREGGGGGG!!!! Sergio has six dimes in six minutes of second half play. And there’s ANOTHER dunk from Greg, this time off an unbelievable touch pass from Aldridge. Man, we’re moving the ball around like we warmed up to Sweet Georgia Brown tonight.

8:41 – We’ve regained that first-quarter swagger. Excellent energy out of the first unit here to start the second half. 66-44, Blaze.

8:46 – Rice comments on Nic’s “grace” and “agility.” Agreed.

8:47 – Songaila tries to infect Pryz, but instead just ends up fouling him, thank God.

Fourth Quarter

8:54 – An injured DeShawn Stevenson makes an on-screen cameo. He’s sporting a bowtie and a blue crushed velvet jacket. Hmmm. Maybe he lost a bet, or…oh, wait, I KNOW. He’s probably friends with Kanye! Duhhhh.

9:10 – Just in case you were, um, distracted by my – I mean, YOUR – roommate’s new laptop fixation, “Jetpack Brontosaurus,” I’ll give you a quick recap of the last 15 minutes.

- Roy hit from 16, pushing the lead back to 20.

- Rudy is 0-7, and the bench is 1-16. Yes, that’s correct. Our bench is shooting 6.5 percent from the field. Woof.

- The Wiz drilled back-to-back threes to cut the lead to 14 with 9:30 to go.

- The answer to the Aflac Random Stab was Wes Unseld. Why didn’t I think of that? It’s always somebody who used to play for the team we’re currently playing. Maybe I should call Sylvan Learning Center.

- Greg has 18 points and 14 boards. It feels like he’s got about 9 dunks, too. Anyway, back to the game:

9:11 - Rudy finally hits an open three, and Brandon swipes his eighth and NINTH steals!! Holy crap. He’s got 22/6/6 and nine steals…wait…TEN STEALS!! That's not possible! That’s an NBA JAM stat line!!

Unreal. Just unreal.

9:14 – Back-to-back Wiz threes cut it to 14 with two minutes to go. Why can’t we ever step on an opponent’s throat? Frankly, it’s getting pretty annoying. Nate seems to feel the same way. I would NOT want to be in that huddle right now.

9:18 – It’s 96-84, and the Rose Garden is rabid with Chalupa lust. Travis steals, scores, and then scores again on the next possession!!! Cha-lu-pas! Cha-lu-pas!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Final Score

Blazers 100
Wizards 87

Final Thoughts

- Brandon set a franchise record tonight for steals in a single game. God, he’s so cool.

- Greg has arrived. I’m crowing his ass. He is who I think he is. Old Greg is also Rapidly Maturing Greg. Beware, rest of the Association, for many dunks and blocked shots are coming your way.

That's it, maniacs. Nice win tonight. Good effort out of everybody. High fives.

Now go out and buy some rotten fruit to throw at Zach on Monday.

Update: To read a equally funny and well-written play-by-play of last night's game, check out Truth About It for a Wiz fan's point of view.

Top 5: The Dog Guy

Joe pointed this out to me today. I thought you might like to know that Bill Simmons' dog died.

Oh, what's that? You don't care? Wow. Imagine that. Here you were, looking for a sports column, and instead you ended up with a great big heaping pile of sentimental memories. How disappointed you must be.

Here's an excerpt of my IM conversation with Joe during which he sent me the link to the article in question. As you can tell, Joe was a little...um...animated, let's say.

Striker: we should make a quick note
Striker: about how bill simmons has written quite possibly the least-relevant article ever posted on espn
Blade: really?
Blade: what'd he write about?
Striker: his dog died
Blade: oh no
Striker: and he wrote an incredibly long rambling article about it
Striker: which they link to off of the front page
Striker: i mean
Striker: come ON
Striker: yes, thats sad
Striker: fine
Striker: whatever
Blade: i swear to god, simmons has the greatest job in the entire world
Blade: better than the president. better than King of Persia.
Striker: im not going to read a f---ing 2500 article on your f---ing dog that i have no attachment to and have never heard a single thing about in my life
Striker: jesus christ
Blade: carte blanche, dude
Striker: f--- espn for posting that garbage
Blade: he can do whatever he wants
Blade: with no consequences
Blade: none
Striker: f--- him for being so goddamn high and mighty that he thinks everyone else gives a f---
Striker: well yes he CAN do whatever he wants
Striker: we can write whatever we want on our blog
Blade: right
Striker: but we wouldnt do it
Blade: no
Striker: because it would be f---ing retarded
Blade: preach it
Striker: anyway
Striker: thats my rant
Striker: he can have whatever ridiculous opinions he wants, about whatever sports he wants
Striker: but for gods sake
Striker: WRITE ABOUT SPORTS

Look, as a former regular reader of the Sports Guy, I have to give him his due. His informal, stream-of-consciousness style of writing was fun to read and gave me something to aspire to as an 18-year old sports fan and writer. I imagine it's pretty clear to all fifteen people who read my stuff that my writing style is basically a cheap Sports Guy knockoff, which I'm fine with. Simmons is funny, and a ton of people read his stuff.

We may not always agree with his opinions, and we may think that often times he writes with about as much humility as Judge Smails plays golf, but all that would be forgivable if he would just go with what brought him to the dance.

Is it sad his dog died? Absolutely. That sucks. Bill, If you need to take some time off and write something in order to deal with your loss, we totally understand.

But I don't want to read about it on ESPN.

I know you're not a journalist, and I'm not saying you should be. Actually, I can't think of anything I'd rather be less than a journalist right now. But you ARE a sports writer for America's biggest sports media outlet, and it seems like you've been forgetting that fact more and more frequently.

It's fine if you don't want to write straight sports. Mixing personal anecdotes and pop culture references into the body of a column provides color and is hands down more entertaining to read than a stat sheet. Or, if you want to get more serious and write about life and death, that's OK, too. The piece you wrote about Jas Shaw's death was excellent. Outside of the 800 words you spent recapping the plot of "The Wire," I mean.

Bill, the bottom line is this: I'm afraid after reading that column that I can no longer halfheartedly defend you. Like my quasi-allegiance to the Kansas City Chiefs for no reason other than Joe Montana being traded from my beloved Niners, so too must my sometime loyalty to Bill Simmons die painfully in the fires of sports hell.

Am I just as bad for devoting an entire post to why I'm upset with Bill Simmons, even though he has no idea who I am? Actually, I think that makes me worse. Ah, screw it. So, I'm a hypocrite. That's not such a bad thing to be, right? And this list is going to be so much fun.

Here are the top five things we're tired of Bill Simmons writing about instead of sports:

5) House, The Guy Who Knows Things, and "that one time in Vegas..."

I don't care about the text that House just sent you, Bill. I really don't. But you know what I care about even less? That incredible run you had at the blackjack tables at 4 AM that one time. Write about sports.

4) That cute thing that his daughter did - aka "How can I reconcile my love for my little girl with my hatred for the WNBA."

I'm sure your daughter is lovely, Bill. We get it. You're a dad. Things are changing for you. We all hate the WNBA. Write about sports.

3) His dog, now, apparently.

For the love of God, write about sports.

2) "You guys know I totally worked on Jimmy Kimmel Live, right? It was pretty much the coolest thing in the ENTIRE WORLD."

Blah, blah, blah. Cousin Sal. Adam Corolla. Blah blah. Matthew McConaughey.

Write about sports.

1) The Sports Gal

We have our own wives and girlfriends, Bill. Well, not me, because I'm a huge loser...but a lot of your readers have their own wives and girlfriends, Bill. They understand the difference between men and women. They read sports in order to ESCAPE the nagging and the US Weekly and the Dr. Phil, not to read about how you're suffering through all that during your personal adventure in marriage.

Write...well, you know.