A Post Portraying Potential Playoff Previews: The Phoenix Suns

Listen up, maniacs, cause it's time for the next installment of the Kobestoppers' playoff previews. Next up on the list:

The Phoenix Suns


Ok, first things first. I'm gonna come clean. When Mike and I first conceived to write about each of the potential playoff teams in the West, we weren't sure whether or not to include the Suns. Amar'e had just lost sight of the rest of his season, Nash seemed generally unhappy, and while the Shaq Daddy was doing his thang, it was unclear whether or not the doing of his thang coincided with the Suns doing their thang.

Needless to say, things have changed.

Although the Blazers crushed the Suns 129-109 on Thursday night, the Suns have been on a tear of late. After dropping 7 out of 9, the Suns were on a 6-game winning streak before visiting the Rose Garden. As of today, the Suns sport a record of 40-32, putting them 3 games behind eighth-place Dallas. The Suns are coached by Mike D'An...er...Terry Po...er...Alvin Gentry.


Starting Lineup

PG – Steve Nash

What can you say about Stevie Nash? He’s a special talent. He commands respect as a floor general and a teammate. He’s everything good about the game of basketball. He’s one of my favorite players of all time. There isn’t a time when the ball is in his hands that I’m not worried about my beloved Blazers looking foolish.

Yes, to answer your question, I’ve asked him out on several occasions, but for some reason he hasn’t returned any of my calls.

While still a brilliant distributor on the fast break and off dribble penetration in the half court, Nashy has been infected and gradually displaying symptoms of JasonKidditis for the last two years. Nash’s back problems have limited his production in even his most prolific seasons (see back-to-back MVPs, pg. 398), and it’s only a matter of time before those tender vertebrae finally give out on him. Let's face it; in two years he’s going to be the new face of the NWBA.

At the moment, however, he’s still the third-best point guard in basketball – at least, that’s what we Nash fans keep telling ourselves. The fact is, bad back or no, Nash defends the ball about as well as Bill Shatner sings The Beatles. When we have the ball, he’s easily exploitable, either by putting the ball on the floor or by posting him up if we have a mismatch. The one time we do not need to worry about Steve Nash is when he’s on D.

The letter O, however is much more dangerous for us in regard to Nashy. Clearly, my time-tested strategy against nearsighted point guards who couldn’t throw a golf ball into a swimming pool is not applicable to Nash. No, I’m afraid that Old Stevie can pour it in from just about anywhere on the court. He’s also just as good off the dribble as he is at spotting up, so there’s no use in trying to crowd him. In fact that’s probably worse, because if he gets by his defender, suddenly it’s a five-on-four break, and he always finds the open man.

The way to neutralize Nash in the half court is to keep the ball out of his hands. Once he gives it up, deny the HELL out of that passing lane. If he works hard enough to get a catch, force him baseline and keep your head on a swivel (and pray. Don’t forget to pray). If Nash’s touches are limited, Phoenix’s offense won’t run as smoothly and they will commit more turnovers. Naturally, Richardson and Shaq Fu are going to get plenty of looks in isolation, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s perfect. As long as Nash isn’t wheeling and dealing all over our faces and providing Louis “I look exactly like Dan from Street Fighter” Amundson with easy looks at the rim, they aren’t going to score 160 points, and we’ll be in the game.

And for the love of God, get back on defense after missed shots. I feel like I’m kicking a dead horse here, but I know that all the players who read this sometimes forget. No worries, famous ballplayers who know who I am, I’ve got you covered. Just don’t blame me if Nate screams at you guys for allowing 61 fast-break points.

SG - Jason Richardson

Remember that dunk contest that J-Rich won with that gnarly off-the-glass-between-the-legs-neofunkatronicslammajamma with extra butter and syrup?

Yeah, me neither. Which leads me to my next point:

Richardson is pure scorer. A hired gun. Someone who has a freakishly impressive ability to put the ball in the hole from anywhere on the court. Consistency, however, is not one of his trademarks. Neither is defense. Neither is clutch play. This isn’t a dig at him, but there are a half dozen other players in the league just like him (some without so many miles on the odometer, either). He is a scoring threat, yes, but he is your formulaic, hyper-athletic, leaper/slasher with a tendency to take bad shots because of either an inflated ego or a mental breakdown. J-Rich may be a newer model, but he comes from the same old superstar factory:

Jason Richardson, Richard Jefferson, Tracy McGrady, Vince Carter, Steve Francis, and now in OJ Mayo! Only one easy payment of $86 million! Call now!

Okay, Mike, that’s enough. They get it.

If I were Nate (which I am), I’d throw Brandon on him, unless Barbosa is still hurt come playoff time. Then go ahead and let Nic shut him down, all the while out-rebounding and out-hustling the talented but weary veteran.

One last thing. If I’ve offended any Jason Richardson fans with what I wrote, I’d just like to say…too damn bad. It’s the truth. Learn to deal.

F - Matt Barnes

Barnes is the latest addition to the Suns roster for the 08-09 season. Along with being covered with stupid-looking tattoos, Matt Barnes is a strong rebounder, a decent three-point shooter, and a passable ball-handler. Barnes is averaging a career-high in points (10.4), assists (2.8), rebounds (5.4), and minutes (27.2). After shooting an unimpressive 29.3% from behind the arc last year, Barnes is shooting 33.9% from three with the Suns this year. No doubt this drastic increase in numbers is mostly due to his increased usage and the beneficial Phoenix system, but it's also clear that Barnes is having the best season of his six years in the NBA.

Barnes is also one of the only Suns besides Shaq who'll hit the glass on the offensive end, so be wary.

F - Grant Hill

Grant Hill might have been one of the ten best players to ever lace 'em up were it not for recurring injuries. His pro career has been filled with diappointment, not because of his lack of ability to play at the pro level (watch some tape of his career in Detroit before he got hurt), but rather due to his inability to actually stay on the court.

At this point, he's brittle and broken down. Like Jason Kidd, the player with which he shared the Rookie of the Year award so many moons ago, Hill's lateral movement and overall mobility are now limited. Unlike Kidd, however, Hill has still retained some of his defensive abilities in spite of his weary joints. However, if Gentry continues to be content with putting Hill on Brandon, we're in for candy cane smiles and lolly pop high-fives for four to six games.

Offensively, Hill is ordinary. Play him straight up and don't give him anything easy (see open three-pointers off cross court passes, pg. 12). He still possesses one hell of a basketball IQ, though, so watch out for backdoor cutters when he has the ball.

C – Shaquille O’Neal

I can’t think of a ballplayer who’s made me laugh or cry more than the original Superman. He broke my 11-year old heart when he left Orlando and Penny Hardaway in order to join the LA Motherf***ing Lakers, and he literally brought me to tears when he caught that alley-oop from a driving Kobe in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals. I will never forgive him for either of those most grievous of offenses.

On the flip side, may I present to the court exhibit B:

The Big Aristotle
The Big Chamberneezy
Jabbawockeez robot dance at the all-star game
Dance off versus Lebron and D. Howard at last year’s all-star game
The Corleone brothers analogy
“The Great” Pat Riley
“No, but I would with your wife.”
The Big Cactus
“How did you get so many ‘Q’s?”
“HEY. KOBE. TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES.”

Yes, truly Shaq has had a career for the ages. Years ago (while spitting out a few sour grapes along with my opinion) I refused to give the Diesel any credit, stating that the only reason for his dominance was his size and lack of skilled competition. Upon further consideration, I’ve decided that I was an idiot. Shaq has to be a top-10 big man of all time. His size makes him tough to guard, but his adaptability throughout his career is what makes him a future hall-of-famer. From Orlando to LA to Miami to Phoenix, the Shaqtus has embraced the natural changes in his body and adapted his game accordingly, always playing to his strengths.

At this stage in his career, I’d equate him to an old George Foreman. He might not be the quickest guy up the floor, and he may not be able to play the same extended minutes he used to, but he’s still got power in that right hand. Shaq beats you up mentally even more than he does physically down low. Think it’s an accident that he calls for the ball whenever an opposing team is making a run? Can you think of a play more devastating to your team’s morale than when Shaq spins baseline and tears the rim down, all while shaking off three of your boys?

You know the sound that play makes – that horrible dunking sound, like somebody slammed a car door on your pinky finger – the whiny, irritating, squealing whistle emanating from Bennett Salvatore’s plump, incompetent lips, prophesizing the cruel but inevitable opportunity for a three-point-play – the deflated groans echoing throughout your arena and your living room, as if everybody you loved got punched in the gut all at once.

It is the worst feeling in the entire world.

Just as Ray Allen, another over-the-hill superstar, can swing the momentum in his team’s favor with a big three-pointer, so too can the eldest son of Jor-El alter the course of any game by sheer will.

So don’t let him. Pryz, Greg, this one’s on you two. I know it’s a tough assignment, but there are ways to weather the storm. Mix it up against him. Overplay one shoulder, then the other, but always be wary of his drop step to his right, especially if he’s on the left block. If he wants to shoot jump hooks over that left shoulder all day, that’s fine. Go right ahead, Mr. O’Neal. That’s his jab. We can take a lot of those without falling into trouble. But if he catches us with that overhand right, i.e. that baseline spin to his right, it could cause the entire team to lose concentration on the road and cost us the game.

If you think I’m overstating the importance of psychology and momentum as it pertains to pro basketball…well, actually, you’re probably right. I am.

But what can I say? I’m paranoid about this s***.

Double Shaq if you have to. Keep him off the offensive boards. Greg, you better beat that old man up the floor if we’ve got numbers.

There. Feel better?

Bench

G- Leandro Barbosa

Barbosa is one of the quickest and and most exciting open court players in the NBA. Really, you couldn't ask for a better complement to Nash in the Phoenix system (both when Nash is on the court and when he isn't) than Barbosa. He can shoot from range and can get to the rim from half court faster than the Millennium Falcon can finish the Kessel Run. If he’s healthy, he’s a deadly weapon, which is why I vote we Pippen his ass with our boy Nic. I’d go into further detail, but come on, you’ve seen Nic’s D. All we gotta do is say, “Sic ’em” and grab our popcorn.

C - Robin Lopez

Do not make the mistake of asking Robin Lopez to sign a copy of “From Justin to Kelly.” He, uh, doesn’t appreciate that too much. I’d say the same rules apply for Robin as they do for Shaq, but that would make me a liar. Block this douchebag’s shots, Greg. Block a lot of them.

G - Goran Dragic

Is it just me, or does Goran Dragic sound a little TOO similar to Ivan Drago? I’m just sayin’. Anyway, take away his left hand. If he can go right, it’ll be news to me.

F - Louis Amundson

Box this guy out. Amundson is the Suns' Mark Madsen, specializing in both hustling after loose balls and being ugly. Offensive rebounding is the only stat that matters when talking about Dan from Street Fighter. True, his uppercut might be total crap, and his hadoken might be best described as "fruity-tooty," but that doesn't mean he can't score from six inches out. So keep him off the glass.

G/F - Alando Tucker

Dangerous player, here, friends. Just because he hasn't played much in the big leagues yet does not mean that this former Big Ten player of the year can't open up if given the opportunity. While he's not yet ready for prime time on a consistent basis, Tucker can hurt you if you underestimate his athleticism.

Sidenote: I'm personally hoping that Tucker eventually becomes a billionaire and buys the Orlando franchise, rechristening them the Alando Magic. Their team logo would be created by combining these two images.


Before we wrap up, I'd like to make a few general observations about the Suns' strengths and weaknesses as a potential playoff opponent.

1) The Suns are one of the few teams in basketball actually worse than we are at defending the pick and roll. Exploit that.

2) Sometimes the Suns will switch to a crappy, slow-rotating zone, because for some reason Alvin Gentry thinks that by doing so, he will make his team look less decrepit on D. When this happens, move the ball, bust them threes, and crash the offensive glass. Even if we're shooting a low percentage, we should get enough extra looks to cancel that out.

3) Because Phoenix wants to run so badly (and hates playing defense more than I hate listening to Klaus Nomi), the Daddy is the only Sun to really crash the glass. Most teams release one or two players to start the break. Phoenix typically releases three or four. This should translate to easy offensive boards, even if we're committed to getting back on D after misses.

4) Since Phoenix plays at such a high tempo, and they're constantly running cutters to the basket both off the break and in the half court, it's pretty easy to run on them. While I wouldn't suggest making a habit of it, there are definitely opportunities to get easy buckets against this team if you run with them selectively.

We took advantage of all of these observations on Thursday, and we came a way with a win. I assure you, it was not coincidence.

That's all we got, maniacs. Stay tuned for our Utah preview. Kirk out.

Quick Update: Blazers 129, Suns 109

"I'll tell you what, bro. After thees game, we are so TOTALLY going back to my creeb and watching de Transporter 2! Zimas are on Sergio!"

Need more really be said?

Stay tuned for the increasingly unlikely but nonetheless amusing Blazers v. Suns playoff preview.

A Post Portraying Potential Playoff Previews: The Dallas Mavericks

Here we go, folks: the first of our incredibly well-reasoned, implacably intelligent, and undeniably accurate peeks at teams that the Blazers could potentially see in the first round of the playoffs. Fortunately for you maniacs, the Western Conference playoff race is tighter than the rubber band the Birdman ties off with while shooting heroin*, so that pretty much means a preview of every seed in the West, and maybe even Phoenix if it comes down to the wire. Sidenote: Before we get started, I must apologize for an egregious misprint in Mike's most recent links post. I believe it was

Can you say flying, spinning piledriver? Cause Joe sure can. He knows how to spell that one backwards and forwards after that Soviet beatdown I laid on his candy ass with Zangief.

Mike has since rescinded this comment, after I laid multiple flash kick - double flash kick - ultra flash kick combos on his face with Guile's size 14 combat boots. All is forgiven, Blade. And now, onto...

...The Dallas Mavericks



The Mavericks (as of this moment) sport a 41-28 record, putting them at 8th in the Western Conference (for now, they will probably go up-down-up-up-down-down for the next month). They are coached by Rick Carlisle, who is known for having deliciously well-groomed hair and looking disturbingly like Jim Carrey.

The Mavs are "offensively oriented," which is a phrase I just made up meaning they win their games with their offense. They are eighth in offensive efficiency and eighth in assist ratio. Basically, they win by scoring more than you, not by limiting your scoring. They are however, an excellent defensive rebounding team, so they will limit your second-chance opportunities.

Now, onto the starting lineup:

Starting Lineup:

Before I get going here, I’d like to mention that Joe’s flashkick combo was, for the most part, blocked. Believe me, it caught a lot of shoulder and elbow, but not much else. My hurricane kick/fierce uppercut/super hadoken combo, however, landed flush to the face of the poor major, causing him to crash to the ground and begin whimpering something that was generally unintelligible save for the name “Charlie.” Guess that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy only applies to soldiers who haven’t been soul-raped by Ryu. Good to know.

Unrelated to Blade being a superior Street Fighter to Striker, I still can’t get over this photo mash-up:
The Lloyd Christmas comparison is definitely the best. Seriously, what does Carlisle think when he gets up every morning and looks himself in the mirror? Does he have a mini identity crisis before he realizes that it wasn’t actually him in Bruce Almighty? I bet he breaks into the Ace Ventura voice every now and then without realizing it before crumpling in a heap and bawling his eyes out, cursing the god that made him so. Ten bucks says there’s a sign on the Maverick’s locker room door that says “Your coach is NOT Jim Carrey. Please do not ask for autographs.”

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd that’s all the “Rick Carlisle is Jim Carrey” jokes I’ve got. So sad, I know.

Now, about those Dallas Mavericks: they’ve got a starting lineup, and we’re gonna break it down for you.

PG – Jason Kidd

Hey, you remember this guy? He’s dead. Buried. Long gone. There was a time when Jason Kidd was the most feared floor general in the game. But as he often does, Father Time took a basketball magician and turned him into a mere mortal. While never an elite shooter, ten years ago Kidd was a surgeon on the fast break. Three-on-two situations might as well have been three-on-zero when Kidd had the ball in his hands. Jamal Mashburn, Kenyon Martin, Richard Jefferson, and Kerry Kittles, all of you should call Jason Kidd on a weekly basis and thank him for making you all look like all-stars and scoring you more dough than you were actually worth. Yes, in his prime, Kidd even made Keith Van Horn look like a real basketball player.

But that time has passed. Today, Kidd is still an excellent distributor in the half court, but his fast break attack is but a shell of what it used to be. He’s still a great rebounder for his size, and I can’t think of a smarter player in the league, but he no longer has the physical tools to dominate the ebb and flow of the ballgame. The Mavs like to run a pick-and-roll for him at the top of the key while they run Dirk off screens away from the ball. Kidd can be dangerous off the pick, but only as a passer. As a spot up shooter, he’s mediocre at best. But off the dribble, Kidd couldn’t hit a 20-footer if the basket were four feet in diameter.

This is why we should employ what I like to call “The Rondo Strategy” against him. The plan is simple: slide under every single ball screen they set for Jason Kidd. Dare him to shoot. MAKE him shoot. No, don’t switch when the pick comes. I know we like to do that (actually, we’re usually so bad at defending the pick and roll that we have no other option), but we REALLY don’t need to when Kidd has the ball in his hands (which is the majority of the time if Dirk doesn’t have it in isolation).

Part two is equally simple: keep Kidd off the boards. That’s it. If you don’t, I guarantee he’ll sneak in there with what little voodoo he has left in the tank and steal 11 rebounds before you realize what happened. Even worse, one of those boards will probably come on a crucial possession that gives his team a second chance to win the game or something.

So again, to summarize: Slide under picks. Box him out. Ballgame.

SG - Antoine Wright

Erm...gulp...I would say I don't know much about Antoine Wright's game, but really I think it's that there's not much there. For a guy drafted as a scoring 2-guard, he sure doesn't do much scoring. Instead he has found a niche in the Mavs starting lineup as a defensive specialist. He's long and tall for a shooting guard (6'7") and moves well within Dallas' defensive sets. Ideally he takes pressure off of the now slow-footed Jason Kidd through the first half, and then keeps Jason Terry's seat warm on the bench for the rest of the ballgame. Offensively he certainly won't create any opportunites for himself and is only a mediocre spot-up shooter.

SF – Josh Howard

Howard has been plagued by an ankle injury that caused him to miss 11 games earlier in the season and has kept him off the floor for nearly all of March. Word is, there’s a good chance he’ll miss the rest of the month. Now, as Blazers fans, we’re INTIMATELY familiar with the injury-speak that often comes from training staffs. With that in mind, I think it’s realistic to at least entertain the idea of Howard either sitting on the bench or being rendered ineffective by the still-painful ankle come playoff time.

That’s what I’m calling Plan A. Josh Howard’s ankle pulls a Martell and conveniently decides to stay broken. What’s Plan B, you ask? Well, that’s easy:

We Bruce Bowen his ass. OK, Nic, here’s what you do. Wait for him to spot up for that 18-footer he likes so much, and while he’s still in the air, “accidentally” slide underneath him so he comes down on your foot. Problem solved.

Hey, did I ever tell you guys about how I hate Bruce Bowen even more than I hate the majority of my extended family? No? Oh. Well, I do.

If J-How is healthy come playoff time, my serious Plan B goes something like this: sick Nic on him like a pit bull on a chipmunk. Howard is pretty good off the bounce, but his mid-range J is an even bigger threat. Nic needs to smother him and if at all possible deny him the catch in the first place. If he does get by Nicolas, other defenders (no, not just Joel. You know, our OTHER players…) need to help out. Howard is a talented scorer, but he’s not going to find the open man every time when our help stops his dribble drive. Most importantly, no matter how we do it, we need to hold him to under 20 every game. Why? Check out this excerpt from his Wikipedia page:

Over the last two seasons the Mavs are 37-2 when Howard scores 20 or more points.

If that’s true (and I’m pretty sure it is. Wikipedia is monitored by Jesus), then our mission is clear. All we gotta do is go out there and execute.

PF - Dirk Nowitzki

Ah, Dirk. If Kidd is the brain stem of the team, and Josh Howard and Jason Terry are the genitals, Dirk is the backbone, spinal column, corpus callosum, and probably the left foot, too. Dirk has been the face of the Mavericks franchise for nearly ten years, and for good reason. Not only is the 30-year old, 7-foot Übermensch one of the most unstoppable scorers in the NBA, he has become efficient and consistent, adding 8.4 rebounds and 2.5 assists to go with his 25.5 points per game. What the Blazers witnessed firsthand in their three meetings with the Mavericks this year is that Dirk can make himself essentially unguardable.

The Mavericks fourth quarter offense is basically this:

The high pick and pop with Jason Terry and Dirk, leads to

a) Defenders switching on the pick and Dirk shooting over the defending PG from the free throw line, resulting in a semi-disturbing fist-pump, pulling of the jersey down to his crotch, and weird baring of the teeth,
or
b) Defenders not switching, giving the superfast Jason Terry a wide open path to the basket/jumpshot, resulting in an incredibly lame flying bird pantomime which I shall from now on call "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" (good band name),
or
c) If the defenders run through the screen, the Mavs give it to Dirk in isolation and let him do an impossible spin-move jump shot which he makes approximately 84% of the time.

These are not good options, mainly because the Blazers struggle mightily against the pick and roll. In previous meetings, Coach Nate has tried various defenders on Dirk, including Przybilla. This experiment did not work, as it appears than Joel's relationship with the basket is similar to Superman's with the sun: the farther he gets from it, the weaker he becomes. Fortunately, Striker has the solution: LaMarcus Aldridge.

LaMarcus matches up perfectly against Dirk on the defensive end. Dirk likes to step outside and shoot the jumpshot? LMA can do that. Dirk is 7-feet tall and shoots from above his head? LMA is 6'11" with a 7'5" wingspan, he can do that. Dirk enjoys reading and playing the saxophone? Better bring an extra set of reeds.

If the Blazers put Aldridge on Dirk and Batum on Terry in the fourth quarter, they should be able to effectively counter any of a), b), or c) above. Even if they switch, Batum is long enough to challenge Dirk's jumper, and LMA has quick enough feet to at least slow Terry down and wait for help.

C – Erik Dampier

I know what you’re thinking. How could we POSSIBLY hope to contain the former self-proclaimed greatest center in the Western Conference?

The short answer? We can’t. It’s not a feasible option. Big Damp Dawg goes where he wants when he wants, and you better pray to GOD that you don’t happen to be in the way.

OK, look. While it’s sad that Dampier suffers from Channing Frye’s giant-body-baby-head disease, that doesn’t excuse his lack of offensive skills. It doesn’t take a genius to see that Damp gets most of his points from put-backs after offensive boards and the occasional dunk after a poorly defended pick and roll. If we’re committed to sliding under that ball screen when Kidd has the pill (which we should be), Erika should have zero room to catch and score off the roll to the hoop. Put a body on him on shot attempts and that should be a rap. If he wants to shoot an eight-footer, for the love of God, LET HIM.

One last thing. While generally a slow-moving, uncoordinated sloth beast, on the defensive end, Dampier is actually a half-decent shot blocker. Now, normally I’d say that we should still be aggressive and go to the basket in the hopes of forcing the big man’s hand and putting him in foul trouble. However, since a Dampier exit usually produces a Brandon Bass appearance, maybe we should take a page from Frank Costanza, stop short, and toss in some five-foot floaters in the lane. More explanation will be given in the upcoming Bench section.

No, I know. You’re totally, like, BRISTLING with anticipation. Try not to pass out.

Bench:

The scariest thing about the Dallas bench is that Jason Terry sits on it. A consensus top-3 sixth man in the league, Jason Terry is one of those bench players that comes off the bench, not because he is not starter-quality, but to provide that spark in the middle of the first quarter (a la Ginobili). The Mavs' second leading scorer at 19.8 points and 3.6 assists, he takes over the major ball-handling responsibilities in the fourth quarter (we've already discussed the Mavs late-game offense) and is well known for "The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime" after he scores a clutch bucket. I guess the maneuver is a reference to the fact that he looks like a bird? I don't know. Putting Nic Batum or Roy on him in the fourth quarter would be our best bet to prevent this atrocity.

The Incredibly Lame Jason Terry Flying Bird Pantomime!
(A little research has discovered that Jason Terry in fact calls himself "JET," so I assume this retarded-looking celebration is a reference to that. Too bad, I'm not changing the name.)

Let it be known: Here at Kobestoppers we HATE JJ Barea. With a fiery passion. Maybe this is because he seems to go 6-9 from the field with 6 assists and 9 rebounds every time we play them. For some reason (Sergio? Bayless?) our second unit allows Barea to get approximately 4 offensive rebounds against us. This is unacceptable. The Mavs are an excellent defensive rebounding team, but that does not excuse long offensive rebounds by their backup PG. Put a body on him on the glass and get in his face when he spots up and Barea should be no problem.

Brandon Bass is an oversized PF that actually has decent range (especially from the baseline). He rebounds just as well as Dampier, probably blocks shots just as well, and has a habit of playing out of his MIND against us.

The rest of the bench includes guys named Jerry, Devean, Matt, and Ryan. No, they aren't quirky roommates from the latest CBS sitcom, they are basketball players. Just not very good ones. Don't let 'em beat you.

Also worth noting is the fact that, while the Mavs have been consistently relevant within the Western Conference for the last 8 years, they have shown the inability to win big games. From their epic collapse in the Finals against D-Wade and the Miami Officials...er..Heat in 2006 to their shocking upset by eighth-seeded Golden State in 2007, the Mavericks have never quite gotten over that hump to become an elite team.

Can they pull off an eighth-seed upset of their own over the Lakers?




*Help provided on this quote from Kobestopper Adam, and I promised I would publish this original artistic piece for him in return:

Listen up blondes, brunettes and bald people,
one of Chris Andersen's parents is a bald eagle.
and the other happens to be a fire breathing dragon,
he was kicked out the NBA but now he's back on the wagon.
He took "birdman" instead of "bird-dragon man" because it's easier to say,
he was hatched from an egg 477 years ago to this day.
That might seem just a tad bit old for ya,
but that's the truth, and he hatched in eastern Mongolia.
He plays basketball at a mile high pace,
and last week he smashed a basketball into Rudy Fernandez's face.

Young Nicolas' Movie Career

Nicolas BaTOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR:


Batum checks in:


Saturday Nicolas Fever:


And he begins his video game career with BATUM RAIDER:

Links! Basketball Links!

What's up, maniacs?

After a little break, I'm happy to announce that the Kobestoppers are back in full swing. Both Striker and I apologize for our lack of updates these past two weeks, but in our defense, we had a LOT of Street Fighter IV to play. Can you say flying, spinning piledriver? Cause Joe sure can. He knows how to spell that one backwards and forwards after that Soviet beatdown I laid on his candy ass with Zangief.

Anyway, I figure that there's no better way to get back into the swing of things than with some Basketball Links. So come on, kids. Jump on the magic bus and start wasting even more time at work.


LA Kobe/Cleveland LeBron makeout session


Just in case you needed another reason to hate these two. Remember when rival players used to show animosity toward each other? Since I've already linked to the McHale/Rambis clothesline clip several times, I'll spare you guys this once. My point is, nowadays it's like everybody has that Magic/Isiah pregame hug/kiss routine going on. Remember last year when LeBron and Paul Pierce both exploded for like 40+ in their playoff series against each other? Didn't it seem like both of them were congratulating each other AS IT WAS HAPPENING? Smiling, high-fiving, essentially letting everyone know that, "Hey, we're happy we're both doing well for our respective teams!"

You know what MJ would have done? He would have stared the other guy down, demanded to guard him, and said, "Look, I don't know exactly what you think you're doing here, but there is no f***ing way you're outplaying me tonight."

The NBA: Where awesome crap like that used to happen.


"Kemp all over that rebound like a bad suit."


Speaking of awesome stuff that used to happen, check out this Shawn Kemp Top 10 Dunks clip. I've reviewed it approximately 200 times, and both Striker and I agree that this is the most impressive Top 10 Dunks clip on Youtube. It's better than Dominique's. Better than Clyde's. Better than MJ's. Seattle fans, think of this more as an homage than a dig at you poor bastards not having a franchise anymore. Remember the good times.


Hollinger's Per Diem on the Magnificent Seven

While I'll always be partial to The Natural as a nickname for Brandon, Hollinger makes a solid case. More importantly (or perhaps unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), he hits the nail on the head in describing Brandon's game. Surprise, fans on the east coast!


"The Birdman flies in any weather."


I guess what I'm trying to say is, we have absolutely no shot at getting a win tonight. Not with Birdman Andersen on watch.


That's it for right now, maniacs. Up next: In-depth previews of the seven squads we could potentially face in the playoffs.

Oh, you didn't know? We keep it real sexy like that.

That's the BIRD CALL.