Running Diary - Thunder at Blazers

2/11/09 7:00 PM, PST

No time to waste, maniacs. Sit down, strap in, and get ready for a very special episode of “So You Want to Rape and Murder an NBA Fan Base!”

Pre-game Thoughts:

- I’ve decided that no matter how many years go by, the “Oklahoma City Thunder” will never sound right to me as a basketball fan. Doesn’t it feel like they’re some poorly-conceived, ragtag group of misfits from a sports movie? Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that the Charlestown Chiefs and the Miami Sharks are much better names for fake teams than the Oklahoma City Dead Rotting Sonics Corpses.

- Speaking of Seattleites, there are a bunch of fans from the Save Our Sonics group at the Rose Garden this evening. In this vain, I’d like to directly address any Sonic fans who may be reading this: I think I speak for a lot of Blazermaniacs out there when I say that we were really looking forward to kicking the crap out you guys for the next ten years, and I’m sure you feel the same way about us. We have been robbed of our Northwest rivalry. The situation in which Sonic fans find themselves today is both unfair and cruel. Nobody should be happy about the assassination of an NBA team and its loyal fan base. So, in light of these terrible circumstances, we the people invite you to join the Blazer Nation. In the words of one of our most cherished past stars, “come own eeeen.”

- The first meeting between these two teams did not end…favorably, let’s say, for our beloved Blazers. OK, let’s just cut the crap. We got embarrassed. There, I said it. For tonight, I expect us to come out with TONS of energy. If I know Nate like I think I know Nate (I don’t actually know Nate. Like, at all, even), he’s probably giving the youngsters Apollo’s “You remember what he DID to you last time, right?” speech from Rocky III right now. If I read Ben’s BE write-up and “Eye of the Tiger” wasn’t our warm-up music, I’m going to be furious.

First Quarter

7:12 – Brandon pops from eight feet out. Jeff Green is fouled by Greg and scores a sweeping lay-up after the fact. The six percent of my being that remembers Green is on my fantasy roster applauds wildly. The rest of me shakes its head in disgust.

7:14 – Classic Mike Barrett after Kyle Weaver receives a pass following a Roy bucket: “Roy has been SCORCHING hot these last couple of weeks. Kyle Weaver…has not.”

7:16 – LMA does his best “Super-Skinny Shaq” impression and JAMS the ball after he gathers two of his own misses around the basket. RAAAAARGHHH!!!!

7:19 – Make an assessment!! Greg pins one up against the glass. Half the sportswriters in America instantaneously whip out their laptops and begin making comparisons to Mikan, Russell and Olajuwon.

7:24 – Krstic flops and draws Greg’s second foul. Mike Rice on the referee’s questionable call: “See, all Europeans know how to flop in the NBA.” Doesn’t Mike Rice remind you of your slightly and unintentionally racist grandfather? I can’t get enough. I love this guy.

7:25 – Seriously though, about that flop, I hope Pryz breaks that Serbian bastard’s kneecaps.

7:28 – Quick note from the Free Darko book reading at Powell’s: turns out author Bethlehem Shoals hates Earl Watkins. You know who else really hates that little jerk?

That’s right. Me, baby. Me.

And that’s just one of the MANY things me and the Ol’ BethleHAMMER have in common. Yeah, we sort of chatted it up after the reading. We’re pretty much best friends now. But anyway, you guys totally shouldn’t be jealous. One NBA EXPERT talkin’ to another ain’t nothin’ to write home about – know what I mean? But yeah, we’re bros now. For reals.

Edit: 2/12/09
Hey guys, it’s Joe. As a preventative measure, I’d just like to say that Mike has never once spoken to Bethlehem Shoals. Not at the book reading. Not over the phone. Not when he camped outside Bethlehem’s hotel for a full 48 hours while he was in Portland. Bethlehem Shoals has no idea who Mike is, and he most likely never will, because Mike is a huge douche. Thank you.

7:29 – “Like all Europeans, he knows how to shoot that outside shot.”

OK, seriously, Ricey. You might want to dial it back a bit.

7:31 – Travis has lost control of his shirttail, and I’m noticing that his jersey is enormous. It looks like he’s wearing one of Lisa Leslie’s sundresses or something. He JUST checked into the game! How is this possible?!

7:32 – For some reason, Rice decides to speak in depth about his experiences with Mario Elie and the World Basketball League, and Barrett uses the word “bugaboo.” This all happens within the span of about half a minute.

Second Quarter

7:35 – Aflac Random Stab: Who is the oldest player in NBA history? Ummm… Dave Corzine? Swen Nater? Dikembe? Greg???

7:43 – The Blazerdancers perform a cute little number to “I Want Candy” while wearing catholic schoolgirl outfits.

The NBA: It’s FAAAAANNNNNTASSSTIC!!!!!!!

7:57 – Isn’t Scotty Brooks doing a great job replacing P.J. Carlesimo? Of course, that’s a lot like saying that he’s doing a great job replacing Fidel Castro. You know, if Castro were a woefully incompetent basketball coach instead of a merciless dictator. 42-42 with three minutes to go in the half.

8:00 – Joe has just sent me a text. It reads: “Damn officials and their vendetta against Old Greg. And just cause they’re jealous of his sweet ’do.” Brilliant analysis, Green Pants.

8:08 – The Blaze end the half on a 9-0 run, capped by a Przybilla rejection that leads to a last-second ALIENSLAM in transition. That’s how you do it, fellas.

Halftime Thoughts

- Our bigs have to be more consistent. We should be blowing these guys out in rebounding and points in the paint.

- Eliminate the stupid mistakes. I’ve counted several turnovers and mishaps that were directly linked to lack of concentration. Shore up and focus, guys.

- We had one possession in the first half in which we moved the ball on offense. On that possession, we hit a wide-open three. I demand to see more of this.

Third Quarter

8:28 – I’M OLD GREGGGGGG!!!! Off to a good start.

8:34 – LaMarcus picks up his fourth foul while standing four feet away from the shooter. Tremendous call.

8:43 – Rice says that Greg is dominating the Thunder’s “skinny” lineup. Great success!

8:46 – Greg swats a Jeff Green dunk attempt, leading to J-Bay issuing a formal complaint with the NBA Dunk Competition Committee. I’m a little rusty at lip reading, but I think right after he threw that one down he said something like, “how you like me NOW, b----?!” Gotta love Portland’s resident Velociraptor.

8:50 – Russell Westbrook is killing us on the boards. He has FIVE offensive rebounds. Put. A body. On that man.

Fourth Quarter

8:55 – Travis air balls a classic “Travis Outlaw Neck-Breaker Face-Crusher Fall-Away 20-Footer.” I swear to God. That guy is actually going to give me a heart attack one of these days. For those of you who care, I want my tombstone to read:

Mike "Blade" Whitman

1985-2009
Smoker of Cigarettes, Defender of Justice, Stopper of Kobe.

8:59 – Bayless (?!) to Rudy on the alley-oop nearly seals the deal, but Rudy is fouled and can’t finish the jam.

9:00 – It’s 89-76, Blazers after an Outlaw three. It’s almost Brandon Roy time.

9:01 – Aflac answer: Nat Hickey, age 46. His last season was 1947-1948. How did I not get that? Oh, that’s right. It’s because they were still playing with a f---ing PEACH BASKET at that point.

9:02 – Exciting news, friends. It would seem that the random Rebecca Haarlow creeper who found his way to this site by searching Google for “Rebecca Harlow Nudes” is actually attending the game tonight, and seems to have plans to lure the lovely Rebecca into his web of seduction through the use of a Valentine’s Day sign made of cheap, red construction paper. Hey, I’ve heard worse plans.

9:08 – Speaking of romance, by now you must all realize that I don’t exactly…how can I put this…go on “dates” with “girls.” But if I did, I’m not sure I’d take her out for a spicy enchilada plate at Taco Bell. Actually, that seems like the worst idea since this guy called into the Jim Rome radio show.

9:10 – Hmmm. Seems we’ve been on a 16-2 run while I was, um, listening to that conversation about…sweatpants. And we did it without Roy on the floor. Way to go, guys. You earned this one.

Final Score:

Blazers 106
Thunder 92

Final Thought

This was a huge game tonight for Greg. It was important that he make a statement tonight, and that’s exactly what he did. Check these numbers: 16/10 with 3 blocks. As impressive as those stats are, what they don’t show is that he affected the game on both ends of the floor by doing the little things. He tipped rebounds to his teammates too many times to count tonight, giving us a bunch of extra possessions. He moved his feet. He set some good picks. As much as I hate to buy into the Oden/Durant deathmatch hype, I’ve got call it like I see it. And how I see it is all tied up at one game apiece.