Welcome, maniacs, to the most entertaining and least read hoops debate on the planet. Now, some of you might be saying, "Hey, isn't this just like that crappy He Said, She Said article that's always in my favorite newspaper, but with basketball substituted for relationship difficulties?"
Yes. It is. Go to Hell.
Besides, we like to think of this more as a two-man, basketball-centric McLaughlin Group. And yes, I've already called being Pat Buchanan. Sorry Joe, but you're just going to have to settle for Eleanor Clift. On that note, ISSUE NUMBAH ONE!!!
1) NBA Trade Deadline: Winners and Losers
Blade:
Well, I think the biggest winner is clearly Shawn Marion. I bet you money that he now wakes up every morning, gets down on his knees, and thanks God that he no longer has to share the ball on the perimeter. In Toronto, all he has to do is catch and shoot -- be it on the break, cutting through the half court, or just standing in the corner before launching one of those Sam Perkins-esque "Oh My God That's The Most Hideous Thing I've Ever Oh My God It Actually Went In" three-pointers he loves. He really needs to be thanking his lucky stars that he's playing with an elite point guard again. As we saw in Miami, without that Nash/Calderon-type distributor, The Matrix quickly forgets his kung fu.
Runner up: Chicago. How in God's name did John Paxon turn Drew Gooden and Andres Nocioni into Brad Miller and John Salmons?? How long did it take Paxon to say yes to that? Three seconds? Two? He also managed to dump Larry Hughes on the Knicks. Granted, he only received Timmy Thomas in return, but I've actually kind of got a good feeling about Ol' Double Headband in Chicago. With Rose running the show, I think he'll be able to jog from three point line to three point line and still produce either in transition or off the drive and kick. Of course, he could go for 25 every night if he ever got in shape and actually TRIED TO HELP HIS TEAM, but that's another story for another time.
Striker, you got some losers for me, dawg? Striker:Losers, eh? Other than Mike? Umm..I would say Sacramento, but it appears their moves are just to make cap space so they did fine. Frankly, I'd say Milwaukee, even though they did nothing. Actually, because they did nothing. Obviously Pritchard was offering less for Richard Jefferson + Ridnour than they wanted to accept and Bucks fans are probably happy that their team hasn't gone into complete tank mode, but what exactly are they trying to accomplish? I guess instead of taking the cap space and rebuilding through the draft around Ramon Sessions they'll have to enjoy watching an aging star continually lead them to the 10th seed in the Eastern conference. I'd be pissed. Other than that, so few trades were made that there really were no big losers at the deadline. A huge portion of the trades that went down were purely for financial purposes, with teams trading scrubs with weird contracts back and forth to gain cap space either now or sometime in the future.
Oh I forgot...MICHAEL RUFFIN, BITCHES!!!
How could I forget? Sorry BULLS, how could you trade the perennial bench player behind this masterpiece:
The Ruffin Man FTW!!!
2) Bone Chips, Detached Retinas, and Sore Knees, Oh My!!
Striker:Well, it looks like David Stern forgot to select the "Turn Off Injuries" option on his non-fictional season of 2k9 because key players have been dropping like flies in the past few months. I'll refer you here for our thoughts on some injuries a month ago, but with a fresh new batch of pain to discuss, the biggest impact an injury will have on a team (in my opinion) is:Greg Oden. Ok, maybe this is my homerism speaking but, depending on how long Old Greg is sidelined, the Blazers are in a pretty precarious situation. Thank God for Pryz, the best backup center in the league. That said, what happens when Pryz goes out? Channing Frye comes in. This is bad. Like, 1/2 a Frye with no Frye sauce bad. Case in point, Wednesday's game against Memphis:
Ok, that's pretty much unreadable, but the point is that Joel is a +19 and Channing is a -10. Normally I don't give much weight to the +/- statistic, but in this case it is very representative. The Blazers were up 12 with about 6 minutes left in the second quarter when Joel came out, pushing Frye to the center position. We finished the quarter up 4. Let's just say, when the Blazers match up against Western Conference and division rivals in the last 30 games of the season, WE WANT GREG. Not Channing.Blade, what do you think? What injury is going to be the most costly? The least costly?
Blade:
You know, considering I wasn't able to dump Drew Gooden before the trade deadline in our fantasy league, I'm going to have to take Striker's "loser" comment in stride. God, I hate Drew Gooden.
Injuries, eh? Well, I know everybody's up in a huff about Amare's eyeball (seriously, if you don't believe me, just go to ESPN), but I think I'm going to go against the grain on this one. Here's why: I don't think the Suns were making the playoffs with Amare in the lineup anyway. That was a sinking ship, period. So at this point, there are two options for Phoenix: The first involves the team plummeting to the bottom of the conference without their best player. What's the difference between finishing just out of playoff contention and taking dead last? Well, for one, a trip to the Lottery and an honorary Elgin Baylor sweater. Look, I'm not saying the Suns are actually going to lose their last 29 games without Amare in the lineup, but it's a fact that every game they lose from here on out actually improves their draft position next year. Considering that Oklahoma City owns Phoenix's first round pick in 2010, the Suns need to make this year's draft count if they're serious about rebuilding.
*Kobestoppers does not and has never condoned the shameful practice of tanking. Blade was simply making a point regarding the impact of Amare's injury on the floundering Suns. Thank you.*
The second option, if you'll excuse my blatant theft of a Simmons-ism, is the Ewing Theory. Under new head coach Alvin Gentry, these Suns are now classic underdogs instead of scorned underacheivers. All the pressure's off, and that makes them dangerous. If the performances against the Clips are any indication, Gentry's basically saying, "Screw it. Run the ball down their throat, Steve." Look for Barbosa and Barnes to step up in Amare's absence.
No matter which future takes place for these Suns, Amare's injury will not hurt them as bad as everybody seems to think it will. No, the most devastating injury so far has been Jameer Nelson's. I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. Nelson was playing OUT OF HIS MIND this year. But more than just putting up great numbers, he had become the silent leader of that Magic squad. He consistently stepped up this year and hit big threes and clutch free throws. When a team loses its floor general and replaces him with a combination of Anthony Johnson, Tyronn Lue and whatever Skip To My Lou's real name is, that's devastating. With Nelson, Orlando had a legitimate shot to sneak into the Finals. Without him, I think they're going down in round two.
3) Western Conference: Who's IN?
Blade
I got some seeds for ya. PREACH IT!
1) LA KOBE 2) San Antonio 3) Denver 4) Portland 5) New Orleans 6) Utah 7) Houston 8) Dallas
These first three are locks. I can't see the Hornets catching the Spurs, and I think Denver's going to take care of business in this last third of the season.
The next three are a little tricky, but I think that despite Greg's health concerns, the Blaze will pull together and slide into that fourth seed. It also doesn't hurt that we're playing OKC twice and Memphis three times. If the Blazers take care of business at home (15 of the remaining 29 games are at the Rose Garden), we should be able to hold off CP3's Hornets and Slightly Worse Than CP3's Jazz.
The seventh and eighth seeds could go either way, but I like Houston to beat out Dallas for the title of "Second Crappiest." The departure of Alston allows Aaron Brooks to step into the spotlight, where he should have been for most of this season. The absence of T-Mac also provides another Ewing Theory scenario. Artest and Battier will probably step it up, resulting in better ball movement in the half court and more open looks. Because of their lack of depth, also look for Lowry to get some decent minutes both backing up Brooks and playing along side him as a combo guard.
And don't forget about Phoenix. I almost went balls out and threw them in the sixth seed. Realistically, they're probably not going to get in, but I'm giving them a 20 percent chance of just tearing s--- up for these last 30 games. Stranger things have happened.
That's it for me. Strike-Nasty, how do you see it going down in the Wild Wild West?
Striker
Well, I'm going to have to disagree with you a little on this one, Blade, because you are wrong.
1) LA KOBE BLACK MAMBA 99% ACCURACY AND PRECISION AT MAXIMUM SPEED.
'Nuff said.
2) The Denver JR Smith I hate you with a passion and want to shave that Luigi moustache while you sleep.
Denver has been fantastic this year and, if anything, they are improving as the team continues to gel. Most folks point to Chauncey Billups turning this squad around from a year ago. This certainly has something to do with it, but he does not get all the credit here. As my friend and avid Nugget enthusiast Adam eagerly pointed out, Nene (sorry I can't figure out how to put the ^ above his name) has been an absolute beast for the team. While Camby was defensive player of the year for them in the past and put up huge rebounding and block numbers, Nene is simply a better fit in their system and much more effective on the offensive end. Look for them to start to distance themselves from the pack (other than the KOBE, obviously) because of:
3) The San Antonio Manu Ginobili's ankles are made of partially-cooked spaghetti noodles.
The Spurs have quietly creeped into the third spot in the West, and I think they will stay there. Yes, they are notorious for "turning it on" in the last 1/3 of the season and into the playoffs, but I think the loss of Manu for up to three weeks will cause them to drop some games and subsequently be unable to catch the Nuggs for the second seed. That said, when the playoffs do roll around, YOU DO NOT WANT TO PLAY THIS TEAM. Duncan/Parker (and Manu, if healthy) will be as efficiently effective as always and, if Roger Mason keeps dropping bombs like he has been during the regular season, they will likely go pretty deep.
4) The Portland Jesus Christ this is going to be a nervewracking finish please stay healthy Greg.
Portland is in a great position to get the fourth spot (and maybe even the third if they can stay healthy and beat all the teams they should beat). Big games in the final 29 of the schedule: SA twice (away and home), LA KOBE twice (both at home), and Denver twice (away and home). Stealing half of these games would be good, more than that would put them in great position going into the postseason.
5) The Utah We love the Family Circus sooooo much in Utah.
The Jazz have been affected by injuries perhaps more than any team in the West besides the Rockets. First it was Deron Williams, then it was Boozer, then Millsap was spotty for a few weeks, then AK47 was out. If they didn't have little Jeffy running willy-nilly and good ol' Gramps watching over them from above, I think Jazz fans might have gone crazy. That said, if and when they can finally get healthy they will be the scariest of the lower seeds. Williams/Kirilenko/Millsap/Boozer/Okur is a scary good lineup if they can all get on the floor. I think they make a push the last months and get the 5 seed.
6) The New Orleans It's not you, Tyson, it's us...oh never mind actually you are the greatest.
The Hornets are going to lose in the first round of the playoffs. Book it, put it in your pipe, call your bookie, whatever you do. You heard it here. The team that lost in the Western Conference semifinals is sputtering toward the finish this year. After the botched Tyson Chandler trade, he comes back to New Orleans...only to keep sitting with a bum ankle. If your team just tried to trade you to create cap space, would you be in a huge hurry to come back from injury and bust your ass for them? CP3 is unreal, David West is a good player, but the Hornets bench has been less than spectacular and James Posey has not lived up to the hype. If they meet the Spurs in the first round they're toast in 5.
7) The Houston Maybe if T-Mac isn't playing we can win a playoff series.
But no, you can't. After the Rafer Alston/Kyle Lowry trade things are going to be interesting at the point in Houston. Blade (see above) seems convinced that Brooks is the new starter in Houston, but I'm not so sure. AB has been great off the bench and frankly is a better scorer/spot-up shooter than a true point guard distributor. Brooks will get increased minutes and his production will be key, but I see Lowry starting at the point for Houston. Yao is a great player, but can he really lead them on any kind of playoff run? Striker is doubtful.
8) The Dallas How worthless is Dirk Nowitski going to be by the time Mark Cuban finally trades him?
I agree with Blade that Dallas is the last team that limps into the playoffs, then gets swept (probably) by Mamba & Co. We know this team can't win anything major, but the way Kidd has been hitting the three and the fact that Dirk is still Dirk (at least for now) I think they are still a playoff team in the West. Oh, and that NBA Where Dirk Happens commercial that announces "Where my best is yet to come happens"? Uhhh....I'm not so sure about that one.
Well that's it for BasketWar '99. Portland takes on the Hawks in t-minus 86 minutes and counting. Stay tuned.
Well, NBA All-Star Weekend has come and gone once again. Saddening, I know. But don't fret, my friends, for every rain cloud has a silver lining. In the coming weeks, we will be treated to:
1) A trade deadline mish-mash-mix-em-up in which our Blazers are being rumored to participate. Whispers around the water cooler (or, you know, all over the Internet. Same thing) are pointing to possible trades with SacTown, Milwaukee, Chicago and even Philly. One thing is for certain: no matter who KP1 decides to Pritchslap this year, it's going to be exciting.
Unless of course we just sit on RLEC and wait for it to expire this summer. Then I will frown.
2) Nine teams competing for eight spots in the Western Conference. We WILL be one of those eight teams, my friends. I have foreseen it.
3) THE RETURN OF CHARLES BARKLEY, BABY!!!!!!
Number three is my favorite, in case you didn't catch that.
In honor of The Round Mound's return, here's an all Chaz Barkley links post. Enjoy.
"Please, y'all, go back to Damon Jones' jacket."
Do I really need to say anything here? For the full effect, watch it three times. Trust me.
The Stormin' Mormon strikes again
Kenny is so heartless. Shawn Bradley is one of the few people on the planet who has mastered the Dim Mak, OK? Bruce Springsteen is his shidoshi.
Tiger's Envy
It's a thing of beauty, isn't it? The Big Charles Barkely Mix
Because of his brilliant and colorful onscreen persona as TNT's resident Muppet, we forget just how good this guy was in his prime. Time to remember.
All right, maniacs. That's it for today. But before I get out of here, I'll leave you with one final, beautiful image. As many of you know, Kobestopper Joe was lucky enough to get courtside seats to last week's Blazers/Warriors game in Oakland. Here is a screen grab from that affair. I've taken the liberty of labeling the important parties in the picture.
I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world. But I do know this: that is the face of a young man who is f---ing happy to see Joel Przybilla.
The disbelievers trembled with fear, jaws agape, as the pair of shockingly-handsome, hyper-intelligent supernovae, clothed in pants of white and green, descended upon the basketball plebes.
The commoners, near blind and deaf from staring at the beautiful madness of the two basketball demigods, began to scatter, begging for their lives and the lives of their children. All of them fled.
All but one.
A lone peasant, Murial of Lake Oswego, stood his ground and cried out, "My Lords! Art thou mad?! A diary encompassing the entirety of All-Star Weekend?! Surely you jest! Come, brothers, let us take up arms against our shiny overlords, so that we may rule our own kind and worship the great Round Ball in our own way!!"
The members of the fleeing hoard stopped in their tracks, their legs rooted to the ground like oak trunks. All eyes shot toward the two levitating figures. They stood frozen, breathless, waiting for what was to come.
With a single, understated wave of his right hand, Lord Striker crushed the larynx of the arrogant fool Murial, leaving him gasping for air and ruing his decision to defy his noble Gods.
As Murial began to run out of air, Lord Blade spoke softly to the shocked masses:
"Hear me, oh people of Rip City. Through the eons, Striker and I have watched over thy generations, guiding thy people through deadly jungles, always protecting them from the ever-lurking Mamba. Have faith in thy Lords, and I say unto thee this day, thou shalt dine upon the Mamba's flesh and suck at his bones. And thy victory will be so glorious, oh Portland, that thou shalt be sustained for a thousand years."
And the people did cheer and hoot and throw their hands toward the sky, praising their benevolent keepers. Even Murial was healed that day, a gift of forgiveness bestowed upon him from above. And the praise from the plebes was so great that the heavens themselves opened up and did begin to sing, "Vote me."
The disciples Greg, Brandon and Rudy were each to be rewarded for their noble sacrifices through the first 50 contests of the grueling NBA season. Each would receive a trophy made of iron and silver and balsa wood, commemorating their round ball superiority. And so it was, in the year two-thousand and nine, that the people of Portland were finally relieved of the heavy and uncomfortable cross borne for so many years. The last memory of the Bonzi Wells era had been swept away, and the people rejoiced with shouts of Rip City and Boom Chakalaka.
So shall it be written, so shall it be done.
So, um...yeah. We're gonna do a diary for pretty much the whole weekend, guys. Make sure to check back, because we'll be updating at all hours, day and night. The plan is to just keep adding to this post, so it'll be all in one place. Just scroll down to where you last left off and you'll be good to go.
Oh yeah, before I forget, I'd like to share one last thing. When I was at the Jazz game a couple weeks ago, I saw some middle-aged moron walking around in this woven abortion:Seriously, what kind of an ass wears this to a WIZARDS game, much less to the freaking Rose Garden??? I will never understand the non-existent "throwback" jersey. Not now. Not in 10 years. Not when I look like Burgess Meredith.
You’re thinking, “Hey, JERK. You said that this was going to be a diary of the WHOLE weekend, and yet, here I am, NOT reading about the celebrity game that took place this afternoon.”
In response to these concerns, I will say this: I accidentally slept through the stupid celebrity, game, OK? Call a cop. Jeez. If you’re really that worried about it, then here, check this out. Can you believe the balls on Michael Rapaport? I mean, I’ve generally despised everything the man has ever done (except Cop Land. Ooooh how I love Cop Land), and I’m not exactly sure how he qualifies as a “celebrity,” but I think he might be one of my new favorite celebrities after popping that three in T.O.’s eye and talking all that smack. Write it down: Mike Rapaport is not as big a douche bag as I had previously thought. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Chris Tucker.
Hey, speaking of crappy things, did you guys know that this Rookie/Sophomore game is sponsored by T-Mobile? No, really. It is. T-Mobile.
T-Mobile.
6:12 – Dwight Howard and Dwyane Wade will be the coaches tonight for our annual contest to see which team can miss the most alley-oops. I gotta say, Dwyane is looking SHARP in that yellow bowtie/vest combo. And I do believe that is the most enormous yellow diamond I’ve ever seen, and it's HANGING FROM HIS EAR. Actually, now that I think about it, I had no idea that yellow diamonds even existed. Sadly, Dwyane has negated his cool wardrobe choice by wearing a single strip of football…um…I guess you’d call it “eye blue”…with his name written on it. I can best describe this decision as poor.
6:13 – KURT RAMBIS SIGHTING.
I really want to get Kevin McHale up in this bitch and just start replaying “the clothesline” over and over again on the jumbotron. You know those two have unfinished business.
6:14 – Is it me, or should Travis Outlaw and Aaron Brooks fight to the death for title of Greatest Basketball E.T? Actually, come to think of it, AB is more of a chipmunk than an alien. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION, TRAVIS OUTLAWWW!!!!!!!!
6:15 – BronBron is providing color commentary while Nic Batum works his magic in what I assume is the French broadcast. I wonder if I can somehow pick that up?
6:16 – Yep, I still hate Craig Sager.
6:17 – Looks like Greg isn’t playing tonight because of a sore left knee. Ten to one says that “sore left knee” is code for “Nate doesn’t want me getting hurt playing in this stupid thing.”
First Half
6:18 – Oh my God, those are the most hideous uniforms I’ve ever seen. My TV screen looks like a giant Taco Bell menu in HD.
6:20 – OK, so Rudy seems to actually be playing hard, here. It’s clear that he does not quite understand All-Star Weekend protocol. Does this mean that tomorrow night he’s just going to try to dunk the ball as many times as possible within his allotted 90 seconds? Oh, god. I hope he understands the rules.
6:23 – Al Harrington has a signature shoe on sale at K-Mart now. In other important news, I pooped about two hours ago.
6:30 – Wow, Michael Beasley’s shoes look like they’re from another planet. Oooh, maybe Travis designed them! Seriously, Beasley’s shoes and Craig Sager’s suits need to get together and make some cute little multicolored toe sock babies.
6:35 – Man, I just CANNOT get over how freaking big that yellow diamond is. That thing must have cost Dwyane like $20,000. 31-27, Rookies with 9:22 to go in the half.
6:38 – Doesn’t Marc Gasol look like that kid who got held back like three years in elementary school? I can just picture him at 15 years old dominating a bunch of sixth graders, his full beard flapping in the wind.
6:44 – Where. The f---. Is Rudy?!
Look, he started 2-3 from three-point land, and Wade has had him on the bench for what seems an eternity, all to make room for Russell “Don’t Call Me Brian” Westbrook. Great.
6:45 – OK. Never mind. Wade just put Rudy in.
6:51 – I am going to slap Sager’s face SO SUUUUUUPER HARD. What a jerk. Way to make Greg feel even worse about not playing, Craig. I can pretty much guarantee that he’s going to cry one single, powerful tear when he gets back to his hotel room.
7:01 – The Sophs steal five quick points to end the half, capped by a Mayo three off the glass. Just like Dwight drew it up.
Halftime
I have only one halftime thought tonight, because after watching roughly eight minutes of what can best be described as “visual diarrhea,” most of my brain melted and oozed out my right ear. At least I know the name of my tormentor:
CORBIN BLEU.
WHYYYYY GODDDDDD???????!!!!
Second Half
7:19 – Pau kicks BronBron out of the booth. I wish Pau’s accent were thicker.
7:40 – “Hole own, Dwyane, I’m a trah sumpin’ fansuh.”
I MISS CHARLES BARKELY.
7:41 – Holy God, KD has 35. He’s a good player. 98-93, Sophs.
7:59 – OK, so as you can probably tell, I sort of stopped taking notes. It’s 112-103 with 3:03 to go. Is this…is this actually a GOOD GAME??? Both teams…played…hard? This has never happened before. I’m…vexed.
Final Score
Sophomores 122 Rookies 116 Kevin Durant 46/7
Final Thoughts
One more time, just for the record, Kevin Durant is excellent at basketball.
If he keeps this up, Dwight Howard is going to give Dikembe Mutombo a run for his money in the “All-Star Weekend Facial Expressions” contest. Too bad he can’t dunk in the contest and WATCH himself dunk in the contest at the same time.
Chris Bosh is SUCH a dinosaur. Mere coincidence that he plays for the Raptors? I think not. I really want Bosh and Jerryd to end up on the same team at some point, making us one step closer to a Jurassic Park All-Star Team.
Plenty more weekend where this came from, maniacs. Stay tuned.
Edit: 2/14/09 1:45 AM, PST
OK, so apparently Greg actually chipped his knee cap when he collided with Maggette last night. I think I speak for all Blazer fans everywhere when I say, "F---."
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Darcy, and I have the distinct pleasure of calling Mike and Joe my friends, spiritual basketball gurus and fellow Medford-Lifers. For my guest Valentine’s Day contribution to KobeStoppers I would like to inject some much-needed estrogen into the mix utilizing my keen female prowess. Without further ado, I give all you maniacs the Trail Blazers heartthrob report for the season thus far. In a crude order of sexiness/skill/aesthetic here is the list thus far:
Leading the team in the sexy-factor (no surprise here) is the incomparable better half of the Spanish inquisition, Rudy Fernandez. With his chiseled features, perfectly executed five o’clock shadow, and adorably broken English, I think he even makes Mike Rice blush with every glance to the scoring table (though Ricey could be red in the face for a different reason). I would run with that bull any day.
Next up on the attractive-scale is none other than the Vanilla Gorilla himself, Joel Przybilla. Though this high ranking may have something to do with my love of huge and equally dorky centers, Joel’s basketball consistency and blue-collar attitude make you want to bake him a pie and talk about how much you both hate Shaq.
B-Roy’s attractiveness stems from his comfort on the court. The Natural’s grace and poise on the floor seem indicative of the maturity and style of the perennial All-Star that he is (yeah, that doesn’t hurt either). Plus, that strong and smooth left hand seems good for more than just ridiculous reverse lay-ups in traffic.
Martell is hot. Have you seen his pea coat? I wish everyone in the Navy looked like him. He looks like a young Dennis Haysbert. Martell for president!
Next is the man who gives the ladies heart conditions and has one himself, LaMarcus Aldridge. Though I have my suspicions of a secret romance with Rebecca Haarlow, the women of Portland still have hope. His trim facial hair does little to disguise the dimpled baby face of a future All-Star and the kind of guy you want to bring home to Mom.
Serge!!! I feel like running up a muddy hill while hopped up on frighteningly caffeinated soda from the 90’s. But seriously, I would do him.
Now to assess Greg. He’s old, adorable and has a map of the world on his face. Plus, there is the added benefit of getting some senior discounts. Greg is the only dude in the league who’s fake ID is an AARP card. We goin’ Sizzler!
Jerryd Bayless is obviously a good-looking cat, and he kind of looks like T.I. But his eyebrows are so perfect and he is so well groomed it is rather intimidating. Lay off the wax, bro. Plus, he wears way more jewelry than I do.
My ninth and tenth picks are everyone’s favorite extra-terrestrial duo. It is tough for me to judge Blake and Outlaw on their sexiness because we are not the same species. I simply don’t know what is “good looking” or “attractive” for an alien. I love them both, but would never want to take the chance of ending up giving birth to ultra destructive and ingenious alien spawn.
The last three don’t really play. That trumps looks. Sorry.
HORSE: Saving you 15% or more on car insurance 2/14/09 4:32 PM, PST
In lieu of a running diary of this advertising abomination of a playground game, let me provide you with the following rundown:
The contest began with each of the players (Joe Johnson, Kevin Durant, OJ Mayo) taking exciting and amazingly difficult trick shots from all over the court. This would have been great except, unsurprisingly, they had difficulty making them. Shocking, I know. As a result, a couple of made shots from deep in the crowd gave way to three pointers and granny-shots from the foul line.
Joe Johnson was the first to be eliminated after he airballed a Rick Barry-style free throw. Ugly.
Kevin Durant then proceeded to hit 3 three pointers in a row, which OJ Mayo missed, giving KD the GEICO horse trophy on a come-from-behind victory.
I'm sorry, but I've seen more exciting shooting competitions between bench players when bad teams warm up before games. Literally, I was being distracted by leaves falling from a tree outside my window. Everyone who was raving about how fun it would be to have NBA players compete at HORSE can shut up now, thank you. Experiment tried, experiment failed, let's all move on.
Events that would be more exciting than NBA All Star HORSE:
- NBA players playing NBA video games against one another. Hell, let's have NBA players playing HORSE in an NBA video game, it would still be better.
- A Dance Dance Revolution contest with every player over 7 feet tall except Greg Oden.
That's all I can stomach for now. I'm going to go rinse my eyes with some Mr. Clean.
All-Star Saturday Night 2/14/09 5:29 PM, PST
All right, maniacs. This is the night we’ve all been waiting for. Well, actually, it’s the night before the night we’ve all been waiting for, but don’t let that discourage you. Getcha popcorn ready, because it’s time for Spanish Rocky to shake up the world.
5:32 – Well, all my expectations have already been exceeded for the evening’s proceeding thanks to three little words:
It’s Britney, bitch.
Yeah, man. Nothing says “NBA All-Star Weekend” quite like a washed-up pop star (who couldn’t sing to begin with, by the way) gyrating at me in HD. For future reference, is there any way I can “un-HD” my television during certain...unpleasant situations? Woof.
5:34 – Oh no. Don’t tell me they’re actually bringing back the stupid “NBA player/WNBA player/borderline-obese-at-this-point former NBA player” shooting thing. WHY? Why would David Stern do this to us??? Does he hate us? What did we ever do to him?
5:36 – OK, never mind. I take it all back. Watching Bill Laimbeer jump off the wrong foot while launching doomsday missiles from half court is EXACTLY how I want to spend my Saturday night.
5:37 – God, every minute of this garbage feels like an hour. The NBA: where HORRIBLY BORING EXERCISES IN FUTILITY happen.
5:50 – Thank God this stupid thing is over. Now, for the equally unnecessary practice of awarding a trophy that’s size is inversely proportional to the importance of the contest won. Hooray!
5:51 – And for the record, I still hate Aaron Afflalo. Although I must admit, his Ricky Davis-esque demeanor during the “competition” was both nauseating and endearing. Seriously, how do you “lazy” a 15-foot jump shot? How is that even possible??? Watching him shoot made me want to bore a hole in my forehead my with roommate’s power drill, but for some reason I just couldn’t look away. It was beautiful carnage, friends. That’s the best way I can describe it.
5:57 – Time for a little Playstation Skillzzzzz Challenge, folks.
Oh, what’s that? They could throw a bunch of topless Victoria’s Secret models out there, and you’d still be bored to death watching them dribble through cones? Yeah, me too.
6:04 – Apparently, Mo Williams has decided that he’s not going to sweat tonight. Probably a smart move. We wouldn’t want him to have to take a shower after the competition, or anything. What do you bet he’s got his club wear in a duffel under his chair on the bench?
6:09 – Derrick Rose has decided to follow the Afflalo/Williams model, and he half-hearted jogs through the course. I’m SO glad I decided to watch this.
6:11 – What is it with these NBA superstars dressing like Steve Urkel? I suddenly want a picture BronBron and Wade with Reginald VelJohnson.
6:17 – Let it be known: the color of Shaq’s suit is “everlasting cactus green.” This pleases me.
Speaking of the Shaqtus, I found this video far more entertaining that these first two events.
6:26 – Onward and upward, maniacs. We’ve got a three-point contest just begging to be tonight’s savior.
Let’s look at our entrants:
Rashard Lewis is a pure shooter like I’m a great dunker. The only way he wins this thing is if we tell him that his contract extension is riding on it.
Danny Granger is a good player, but not a guy for the three-point contest. We might as well have called up Q Richardson and had him come along, too (how did Q win one of these things???). The only way he should get in this contest is if they went back to the old eight-man, three-round format. Then I could see it. He’d be the honorary Detlef Schrempf entry.
Mike Bibby is not a consistent three-point threat. He’s great off a pick with the ball in his hands, but he’s got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning a “catch-and-shoot from two feet outside your range” contest, which is what this is for him.
Roger Mason is the new Robert Horry, apparently. Great. Good for him. But just because you’ve hit a few threes in clutch situations does not mean that you are a great volume shooter. Sorry.
Daequan Cook is apparently playing for the Miami Heat right now. Honest to God, I didn’t know he was on an NBA roster.
Jason Kapono – Man, this guy is the King of the Douches, but he sure can shoot that three-ball. Here’s your Bird/Hodges/Price/Allen/Dirk entry, folks. Though I’m reluctant to say he’s on the level of Bird and Hodges, if he wins his third consecutive title tonight, he’ll have to be mentioned in the same breath as those guys. Never mind the fact that he’s the only shooter in the competition this year. Seriously, if he doesn’t run away with this thing, it’ll be the biggest disappointment since I noticed we were out of Ho-Ho’s this morning.
OK, so never mind about that whole “savior” thing, I guess. I'm telling you, we need an eight-man field. Rudy, Ray Allen, Peja and Dirk should all be in this thing.
7:13 – Congratulations…Daequan Cook?
And congratulations to the NBA for going 0-3 so far tonight. Well, at least we got to watch a bunch of guys SHOOT LIKE CRAP for 40 minutes in a contest that’s supposed to showcase long-range accuracy. Maybe they should change the name to the Foot Locker Ironic Embarrassment for next year.
7:18 – Well, Kenny Smith has started to scream the names of random heavyweights from the 1970s, which clearly tells me that it’s time to watch some basketballs be dunked. But first, it seems TNT has a very special musical performance for us. Fun! I was actually just thinking about what this weekend has been sorely lacking in, and I realized that it was HORRIBLE MUSICAL ACTS THAT MAKE YOU BEG FOR DEATH.
Seriously, the musical performances so far this weekend have been the WORST that I have ever seen, and I’ve seen them all.
By the way, I’ve been watching this show for almost two hours at this point, and I still cannot figure out what the hell that little CGI demon mascot is supposed to be. It’s maddening.
7:29 – I think we’re finally going to get to see some dunking, sports fans. Thank God.
Personal note to Larry Nance: SWEET paisley tie.
7:39 – Damn you, Pau Gasol. And damn you Kenny and Reggie. Even that hilarious diss on Mark Jackson after Tom Chambers was announced as a judge cannot save you from my wrath at this point.
I almost threw something at the TV when Kenny made fun of the “amateurism of Spain.”
The fact of the matter is this: Rudy got screwed worse than Hitman Hart at the Survivor Series. You know it. I know it. The American people know it. I’m not going to talk about it anymore because my doctor says my blood pressure is dangerously high as it is, and I can already start to feel that little vein in my forehead beginning to swell. Let’s just move on to the final. To read Rudy's thoughts on the screw job (in English), click here.
By the way, did anybody else catch that three-second shot of George Gervin sitting on the sideline with his chin on his hand, looking like he was watching paint dry? The NBA: where all-time greats falling asleep during your most exciting event happens.
Also, one more note from the first round: I hate J.R. Smith.
OK, two more. Did you guys see Dwight dunk on that 12-foot rim? I mean, as a basketball Youtube fiend, it’s not like I’ve never seen a guy dunk 12-feet before, but here’s the thing: Dwight dunked that ball with no effort. He made that dunk look easy. It looked like the rest of us dunking on an eight-foot rim. I’m going to come out and say that Dwight Howard is the most freakish athlete I’ve ever seen on a basketball court, LeBron included. Dwight was engineered in a lab. It’s the Dwight Howard show. Let’s see him dunk 15-feet.
7:42 – The Finals
Nate Dogg, first dunk – Wow. That was a great dunk. It was really kind of a throwback in a lot of ways. Seems like we saw Spud do that dunk in ’86. Still impressive when a tiny guy jumps that high in the air.
Superman, first dunk – GO HOME, NATE. Are you kidding me?
Tiny Black Lex Luthor, second dunk – Here is the actual conversation I had with my roommate Scott as Nate the Great was setting up:
Me: Wait, what’s he doing? Scott: I don’t know.
(Nate picks up a ball…)
Me: Is he…is he going to try to jump over Dwight Howard? Scott: Oh my God.
(Nate starts to run at the hoop…)
Me: There’s no way. I mean, Dwight’s like six-foot-eleven… Scott: Holy…
(Nate takes off…)
Both of us, now standing: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s a 50, ladies and gentlemen.
Son of Jor-El, second dunk – See, here’s the problem. I really expected Dwight to take off from the top of the key. Was I crazy to expect this? I don’t think so. I think, based on what we’ve seen him do in the past, that a dunk from 19 feet away would have been perfectly reasonable. Unfortunately, we ended up with Dwight jumping from inside of Brent Barry's mark and ruining the competition’s climax. Ah, well, what can you say? The guy’s a two-footed dunker, plain and simple. Come back next year, Dwight, and stick to what you know.
Final Thoughts
Even though the first three events sucked hard, the dunk contest receives my endorsement. Yes, it ended with a whisper instead of a bang, but the important thing is this: legitimacy has been brought back to the dunk contest through Dwight Howard’s creativity. This is exemplified by LeBron’s tentative commitment to throw his hat into the ring next year. In years past, there was no motivation for a guy like LeBron to enter, right? It was a no-win situation for him. If he won, well, he was supposed to win. And if he lost, it would only hurt his street cred.
But now, dear friends, we may be treated to the most competitive and exciting dunk contest since MJ vs. Dominique in Chicago. Dwight has set an important example for other superstars in the league, and my hope is that they follow in his footsteps. Personally, I’ve been waiting my whole life for a contest that rivals the intensity of the MJ/’Nique/Spud/Drex era. Wouldn’t you go nuts if next year we had Bron, Dwight, Nate, Vince, and Kobe in the same contest? Wouldn’t it be cool if the dunk contest actually proved who the best dunker in the league was? It used to do this. It can do this again. I know it can. Pray it happens.
Stay tuned for the All-Star Game diary, maniacs.
2009 All-Star Game 2/14/09 11:19 PM, PST
Here it is folks, the big daddy of the weekend: the All-Star game itself. Now, will this be a double-overtime thriller like Jordan's last All-Star appearance in 2003? Or (more likely) will it be a 40-point raping like the West put on the East in 1992?
Frankly, I'm going to have to go with the latter. The West's team is just....better. Like, alot better. Sure, the East has Lebron and Dwight Howard, but frankly the team is made up of first-option scorers, not distributors or defenders. This is surprisingly important in the All-Star game. I think having CP3 on the West surrounded by great scorers (Kobe, Amare, Duncan, Dirk, Gasol) is going to be waaaaay too much for the East to handle.
Without further ado, TNT gives us...OH MY GOD THE COOLEST SHAQ DANCE SEQUENCE I'VE EVER SEEN. This is without a doubt the best thing that has happened yet at All-Star weekend.
Apparently that orgasmic dance experience with the Jabbawockeez has already created mini-Shaq/Jabbawockee offspring. And it is good.
Sidenote: How cool would it be if there was an actual dance competition between NBA players? There is no doubt in my mind that there are a lot of guys out there that cut some fine rug. I'm looking at you, Robert Swift.
Oh God, no, no, I'm making an effort NOT to look at you, Robert Swift. My mistake.
AAAAAND we're off!
First Quarter:
10:26 - AI caps off a 7-0 East run to start the game with a sweet ball fake and finish at the rack. Could I have been completely wrong in my prediction? Iverson has gotten a fair amount of internet flak over his starter spot which many feel he does not deserve. Now that I think about it I could see him exploding for 35 to silence the haters.
7:50 - Hey, it's a giant Lebron James travel! See, that's what the All-Star game is all about: watching players do what they do best.
6:58 - CP3 steals AI's pass and dishes to Kobe, who soars in for an undeniably sweet jam. Jesus, watching Chris Paul out there playing with guys who aren't the New Orleans Hornets terrifies me to no end. With a reliable finisher Paul puts up 15 assists a game.
Uh-oh, it's Shaqtus time!
And now Roy enters the game! I'm pumped to see him use that sneaky athleticism to surprise some folks. He flourishes in this game, for some reason.
It's kind of odd to see two #7s running around on the same team out there. Maybe we should just kill or tragically cripple the other #7...oh, he happens the best player on the Denver Nuggets, the Blazers' division rivals who are currently in first place by 3.5 games? Ooops...
2:02 - Tony Parker tops off a 17-0 West run with a lay-in off the full-court no-look pass from the Big Chamberneezy. The run went something like this: Layup, layup, three-pointer, dunk, dunk, dunk, layup, dunk, layup. And still Marv Albert continues to rave about the great defensive intensity by both teams.
Second Quarter:
10:55 - Roy almost loses the ball, but then spins to his right and finishes easily with a soft touch off the glass. Sexy. 38-27, West.
A note to Craig Sager:
Dear Mr. Sager,
Please send me the $7500 required to surgically repair my eyes after I accidentally looked at your clothes. Enclosed is an envelope and postage.
Your prompt response is appreciated.
Sincerely,
Striker
7:52 - RayRay and Paul Pierce have quietly combined to score the East's last 14 points. Unfortunately, there are probably no two players that are less interesting to watch in an All-Star game. I mean, yes, watching PP use his size to drive to the right side and draw contact for the foul is very effective. It is also VERY BORING.
Sidenote: Maybe I was wrong to make fun of Marv for praising the defense. While there is certainly no team defense (and you can't really expect there to be), players certainly seem to be hustling on the defensive side. But...maybe it's just so they can get a steal for an open dunk or oop on the other end. Either way, it's surprisingly competitive right now with the West leading, 48-47.
3:19 - Chris Paul gets a defensive rebound, runs the length of the floor in about 1.3 seconds, and then finds Roy on the trailer for the two handed jam.
2:29 - Dwight Howard gathers a Lebron miss, shuffles his feet, jumps up and down, performs the Hokie-Pokie and the Riverdance simultaneously, then banks it in off the glass. Now THAT'S how you travel.
Halftime:
The West leads the East at half, 72-67. Mamba leads the West with 13 first half points. Roy had a nice quiet 8 points, but was mainly looking to distribute the rock, often passing just when it came to him.
I've also been watching Roy look for lobs around the basket. He keeps setting up on the weak side, starting little spurts toward the hoop, and looking to the point guard for the lob. He hasn't got one yet, but he will. Oh, he will.
Halftime notes:
- The US Olympic gold medal team is receiving their rings at halftime. For some reason, they have also brought various players from other national teams to share in the ceremony. Two things: 1) Why is Marc Gasol receiving some kind of honor? Rudy was much more important to that Spanish national team and he is obviously there this weekend. Damn you thrice, Mr. Toad!! 2) Those rings are UGLY. Why would I want the symbol of my Olympic accomplishment to be the color of the Eye of Mordor's pupil? I feel like it's sucking the life out of me through my TV screen.
- Is it just me or does this incredibly over-produced, self-loving NBA Cares TV spot just reek of hypocrisy? Yes, the NBA does great things. Sure, players help kids and teach healthy habits and build houses. But shouldn't the gazillion dollars spent on producing this wildly intense ad which proclaims that the NBA is the greatest aid to mankind since the invention of penicillin instead be spent ON HELPING PEOPLE?!?! A radical concept, I know.
- OBAMA!!!! OBAMA!!!! OBA...ok, that was just kinda awkward.
Third Quarter:
11:21 - Yao drains a 10-foot hook shot, giving him his first points of the game! Thank God, he can now sit down and stop worrying about his gigantic yet tender footsies. I don't blame him; if I was 7 & 1/2 feet tall I would probably never stand up in the first place.
7:30 - The East is just ice-cold. They've started the second half 4-11 from the field and are even missing free throws. Since the West is getting whatever they want inside, if they don't start hitting some shots this one is over. 84-74, West leads.
6:20 - Kobe hits two threes in the span of a minute. I think he wants this MVP. Right now, it's all his.
5:52 - Shaqtus time, baby!
Talk about instant impact. Shaq hits a layup, two dunks, a baby hook, and another dunk (off a nice no-look pass from Roy), blowing this game wide open. Then he misses three out of four free throws. The Big Aristotle giveth, the Big Aristotle taketh away.
Sidenote: I'm really surprised by the East. Not by the fact that they are losing handily, but by how boring they are to watch out there. Lebron's not driving and throwing it off the backboard to himself, Dwight Howard isn't getting lobs 12 feet in the air, and the team in general couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. Booo.
The third quarter ends, mercifully.
Fourth Quarter:
Good. God. I am so frustrated with the East right now. Here are their offensive plays for the first five minutes of the fourth:
- Missed three. - Missed 22-foot jumper. - Made layup. - Made jumper. - Made 18-foot jumper. - Missed three. - Missed three. - Made jumper.
Does it get any more boring than that?
Honestly? There's not much more to say. Kobe drained a few more shots, Lebron missed about 12 jumpers, the West expanded their lead. Most of the camera time was spent with Craig Sager walking around talking to various celebrities and players.
The last minute of the game became a frenzied dunkfest. First Amare threw down a huge two-handed windmill. Then, off a turnover, Chris Paul finds Roy off the glass for a BOOM-shakalaka. It all culminates with Lebron waving everyone out of the way, tearing down the lane, tossing it high off the glass to himself, and PUNISHING the rim with two hands. Wow.
Post-game thoughts:
Not a terrible game, not a great one. Shaq's performance, from his dance during the introductions to his 'megging of Dwight Howard on the give-and-go, was fantastic. Roy had nice game, with 14/5/5 and no turnovers. Interestingly, he played the most minutes of any player on the Western roster with 31! Either Phil Jackson is a great judge of talent and wanted to give Brandon his due or he is strategizing against the Blazers because he fears us!! Maybe it's both.
In honor of Kobe and Shaq's shared MVP, I present you with this glorious music video (give it about 20 seconds, I swear it's worth it):
Yes, folks, that is the iconic R&B group B2K. Yes, they are wearing not one, not two, but three Mamba jerseys between the four of them! Sickening. I guess I have to give props to the one homie wearing the Shaq jersey...I guess.
Pop Quiz! Which four of the following names are the actual group members of B2K?
- Omarion - Lil' Fizz - Iz Boozle - Raz-B - Finquavius - Big Janeezy - J-Boog - Eric
No, I'm not going to tell you the answer. I'm making a point.
On that note, that's it for All-Star weekend here at Kobestoppers! Stay tuned in the next few days for insightful analysis on whatever bigtime trades might be happening before the deadline. Also, we'll probably find some incredibly juvenile youtube videos!
No time to waste, maniacs. Sit down, strap in, and get ready for a very special episode of “So You Want to Rape and Murder an NBA Fan Base!”
Pre-game Thoughts:
- I’ve decided that no matter how many years go by, the “Oklahoma City Thunder” will never sound right to me as a basketball fan. Doesn’t it feel like they’re some poorly-conceived, ragtag group of misfits from a sports movie? Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that the Charlestown Chiefs and the Miami Sharks are much better names for fake teams than the Oklahoma City Dead Rotting Sonics Corpses.
- Speaking of Seattleites, there are a bunch of fans from the Save Our Sonics group at the Rose Garden this evening. In this vain, I’d like to directly address any Sonic fans who may be reading this: I think I speak for a lot of Blazermaniacs out there when I say that we were really looking forward to kicking the crap out you guys for the next ten years, and I’m sure you feel the same way about us. We have been robbed of our Northwest rivalry. The situation in which Sonic fans find themselves today is both unfair and cruel. Nobody should be happy about the assassination of an NBA team and its loyal fan base. So, in light of these terrible circumstances, we the people invite you to join the Blazer Nation. In the words of one of our most cherished past stars, “come own eeeen.”
- The first meeting between these two teams did not end…favorably, let’s say, for our beloved Blazers. OK, let’s just cut the crap. We got embarrassed. There, I said it. For tonight, I expect us to come out with TONS of energy. If I know Nate like I think I know Nate (I don’t actually know Nate. Like, at all, even), he’s probably giving the youngsters Apollo’s “You remember what he DID to you last time, right?” speech from Rocky III right now. If I read Ben’s BE write-up and “Eye of the Tiger” wasn’t our warm-up music, I’m going to be furious.
First Quarter
7:12 – Brandon pops from eight feet out. Jeff Green is fouled by Greg and scores a sweeping lay-up after the fact. The six percent of my being that remembers Green is on my fantasy roster applauds wildly. The rest of me shakes its head in disgust.
7:14 – Classic Mike Barrett after Kyle Weaver receives a pass following a Roy bucket: “Roy has been SCORCHING hot these last couple of weeks. Kyle Weaver…has not.”
7:16 – LMA does his best “Super-Skinny Shaq” impression and JAMS the ball after he gathers two of his own misses around the basket. RAAAAARGHHH!!!!
7:19 – Make an assessment!! Greg pins one up against the glass. Half the sportswriters in America instantaneously whip out their laptops and begin making comparisons to Mikan, Russell and Olajuwon.
7:24 – Krstic flops and draws Greg’s second foul. Mike Rice on the referee’s questionable call: “See, all Europeans know how to flop in the NBA.” Doesn’t Mike Rice remind you of your slightly and unintentionally racist grandfather? I can’t get enough. I love this guy.
7:25 – Seriously though, about that flop, I hope Pryz breaks that Serbian bastard’s kneecaps.
7:28 – Quick note from the Free Darko book reading at Powell’s: turns out author Bethlehem Shoals hates Earl Watkins. You know who else really hates that little jerk?
That’s right. Me, baby. Me.
And that’s just one of the MANY things me and the Ol’ BethleHAMMER have in common. Yeah, we sort of chatted it up after the reading. We’re pretty much best friends now. But anyway, you guys totally shouldn’t be jealous. One NBA EXPERT talkin’ to another ain’t nothin’ to write home about – know what I mean? But yeah, we’re bros now. For reals.
Edit: 2/12/09 Hey guys, it’s Joe. As a preventative measure, I’d just like to say that Mike has never once spoken to Bethlehem Shoals. Not at the book reading. Not over the phone. Not when he camped outside Bethlehem’s hotel for a full 48 hours while he was in Portland. Bethlehem Shoals has no idea who Mike is, and he most likely never will, because Mike is a huge douche. Thank you.
7:29 – “Like all Europeans, he knows how to shoot that outside shot.”
OK, seriously, Ricey. You might want to dial it back a bit.
7:31 – Travis has lost control of his shirttail, and I’m noticing that his jersey is enormous. It looks like he’s wearing one of Lisa Leslie’s sundresses or something. He JUST checked into the game! How is this possible?!
7:32 – For some reason, Rice decides to speak in depth about his experiences with Mario Elie and the World Basketball League, and Barrett uses the word “bugaboo.” This all happens within the span of about half a minute.
Second Quarter
7:35 – Aflac Random Stab: Who is the oldest player in NBA history? Ummm… Dave Corzine? Swen Nater? Dikembe? Greg???
7:43 – The Blazerdancers perform a cute little number to “I Want Candy” while wearing catholic schoolgirl outfits.
The NBA: It’s FAAAAANNNNNTASSSTIC!!!!!!!
7:57 – Isn’t Scotty Brooks doing a great job replacing P.J. Carlesimo? Of course, that’s a lot like saying that he’s doing a great job replacing Fidel Castro. You know, if Castro were a woefully incompetent basketball coach instead of a merciless dictator. 42-42 with three minutes to go in the half.
8:00 – Joe has just sent me a text. It reads: “Damn officials and their vendetta against Old Greg. And just cause they’re jealous of his sweet ’do.” Brilliant analysis, Green Pants.
8:08 – The Blaze end the half on a 9-0 run, capped by a Przybilla rejection that leads to a last-second ALIENSLAM in transition. That’s how you do it, fellas.
Halftime Thoughts
- Our bigs have to be more consistent. We should be blowing these guys out in rebounding and points in the paint.
- Eliminate the stupid mistakes. I’ve counted several turnovers and mishaps that were directly linked to lack of concentration. Shore up and focus, guys.
- We had one possession in the first half in which we moved the ball on offense. On that possession, we hit a wide-open three. I demand to see more of this.
Third Quarter
8:28 – I’M OLD GREGGGGGG!!!! Off to a good start.
8:34 – LaMarcus picks up his fourth foul while standing four feet away from the shooter. Tremendous call.
8:43 – Rice says that Greg is dominating the Thunder’s “skinny” lineup. Great success!
8:46 – Greg swats a Jeff Green dunk attempt, leading to J-Bay issuing a formal complaint with the NBA Dunk Competition Committee. I’m a little rusty at lip reading, but I think right after he threw that one down he said something like, “how you like me NOW, b----?!” Gotta love Portland’s resident Velociraptor.
8:50 – Russell Westbrook is killing us on the boards. He has FIVE offensive rebounds. Put. A body. On that man.
Fourth Quarter
8:55 – Travis air balls a classic “Travis Outlaw Neck-Breaker Face-Crusher Fall-Away 20-Footer.” I swear to God. That guy is actually going to give me a heart attack one of these days. For those of you who care, I want my tombstone to read:
Mike "Blade" Whitman
1985-2009 Smoker of Cigarettes, Defender of Justice, Stopper of Kobe.
8:59 – Bayless (?!) to Rudy on the alley-oop nearly seals the deal, but Rudy is fouled and can’t finish the jam.
9:00 – It’s 89-76, Blazers after an Outlaw three. It’s almost Brandon Roy time.
9:01 – Aflac answer: Nat Hickey, age 46. His last season was 1947-1948. How did I not get that? Oh, that’s right. It’s because they were still playing with a f---ing PEACH BASKET at that point.
9:02 – Exciting news, friends. It would seem that the random Rebecca Haarlow creeper who found his way to this site by searching Google for “Rebecca Harlow Nudes” is actually attending the game tonight, and seems to have plans to lure the lovely Rebecca into his web of seduction through the use of a Valentine’s Day sign made of cheap, red construction paper. Hey, I’ve heard worse plans.
9:08 – Speaking of romance, by now you must all realize that I don’t exactly…how can I put this…go on “dates” with “girls.” But if I did, I’m not sure I’d take her out for a spicy enchilada plate at Taco Bell. Actually, that seems like the worst idea since this guy called into the Jim Rome radio show.
9:10 – Hmmm. Seems we’ve been on a 16-2 run while I was, um, listening to that conversation about…sweatpants. And we did it without Roy on the floor. Way to go, guys. You earned this one. Final Score:
Blazers 106 Thunder 92
Final Thought
This was a huge game tonight for Greg. It was important that he make a statement tonight, and that’s exactly what he did. Check these numbers: 16/10 with 3 blocks. As impressive as those stats are, what they don’t show is that he affected the game on both ends of the floor by doing the little things. He tipped rebounds to his teammates too many times to count tonight, giving us a bunch of extra possessions. He moved his feet. He set some good picks. As much as I hate to buy into the Oden/Durant deathmatch hype, I’ve got call it like I see it. And how I see it is all tied up at one game apiece.
It’s that time again, folks. No, not Mike’s monthly bath, it’s the latest edition of Joe Knows! So sit yourself down, strap yourself in, shut yourself up, and get ready for Joe to drop some nuggets of NBA knowledge on ya:
1) Injuries
This week in the NBA has seen a flurry of injuries to important players. As we discussed last week, it started with Olowakandrew Vagynum going all Tony Jaa on Gerald Wallace, resulting in a collapsed lung.
Ironically, the next big name to fall was Bynum himself (sidenote: if he had been suspended a game for his foul on Crash this wouldn’t have happened. There, I mentioned it. Now shut up about karma for a while). The Next Great Non-Injury Prone Center’s MCL snapped like a dry twig when his left leg (different knee) was plowed into by none other than Mamba himself. Obviously, Kobe was the attention-starved 8-year-old big sister to Bynum’s newborn baby boy and (s)he got a little jealous. (On an unrelated note, Kobe scored 61 in his next game. Also, he bought a pair of pink sweatpants that say “hottie” across the butt).
Next to go were the point guards: Jameer Nelson and Chris Paul. Most of you maniacs out there probably saw CP3 pull up limping on a drive in the 3rd quarter of the Blazers-Hornets game on Monday. You probably also saw the Hornets 20-point lead disappear in about 2.78 seconds.
Look at that fourth quarter. I guess that without Chris Paul, the Hornets aren't fluent in 6 billion forms of communication OR any good at basketball.
With all the debates about how to define the league’s MVP, we can make it easier by creating a new category I like to call WTWBP (worst team without best player). After watching the last quarters of Monday’s game (and after the Bulls made the CP3-less Hornets look like these guys) it became clear that the Hornets grabbed the WTWBP title from the Cavs and haven’t looked back. Congratulations, New Orleans!
While Chris Paul’s injury won’t keep him out past the all-star break, the Magic are in a much tougher bind after JN14 was injured during Orlando’s 105-95 loss to Dallas. The latest reports are that Jameer has a torn labrum in his right shoulder. He now has the choice between rehabbing it in an attempt to come back this season or opting for season-ending shoulder surgery. Nelson’s ball-handling and three-point accuracy have been HUGE in creating opportunities for Turkoglu, Lewis, and Howard.
The notion of the Sixers being better without Elton Brand in the lineup has quickly turned from interesting but laughable to scarily accurate. Luckily for them, he’s having season-ending shoulder surgery. Hooray!
2) Oden vs. Durant I
Tonight’s game features the first matchup between players who don’t play the same position and are at different stages of development yet happened to be picked 1-2 in the 2007 draft!!!!! A SHOWDOWN, to say the least.
Seriously though, it should be fun to watch these guys on the floor at the same time, especially if Greg smashes everything in his path. Not much more to say here, but John Hollinger wrote a great breakdown so I’ll just refer you here.
3) Knick fans: Repent!
“A funny thing happened to me at Madison Square Garden the other day. I watched my team get torched by an opposing team’s superstar. And I cheered for him. Then it happened again. And I cheered again.”
Lost in the madness of Kobe and LBJ’s wild nights in New York was the disgusting acceptance of the Knicks’ getting whooped on consecutive nights at home. Now, this is nothing against the Knicks players who clearly tried (we’ve already been over my man-crush on Nate Robinson, so I won’t go into that). Rather, I am calling out Knick fans, who appear to take great pleasure in watching other teams’ players break records in MSG, and Mike D’Antoni, who flippantly dismissed the losses as if it was acceptable to give up 61 and 52 in consecutive games. In fact, D'Antoni was recently quoted here as saying "Plus, Knicks fans only get to see him once a season." Jesus Christ, D'Antoni, are you a fan or the head coach of an NBA team?
All I know is, even in the Blazers’ darkest days, I’d probably jump from the highest rafter in the Rose Garden if I heard a significant number of people cheering for a player on the opposite team. It makes me sick.
Nate, give them a stern talking to.
4) Blogfest at Powell's
Don’t forget folks, your very own Kobestoppers will be present at Powell’s books in Portland on Monday at 7:30! Be there!
What's crackin', maniacs? Hope you've all come down off that cloud after that tasty comeback victory in N'awlins, cause we've got business to attend to.
I guess a more apt title for today's post would be "Links, Videos and Random Thoughts," but since we don't have a section for that, you're just going to have to ignore this glaring continuity error.
I've been laughing at this for three straight days. Join me, won't you?
Random Thought: Is Peja Stojakovic the greasiest man in the NBA?
I feel like he's got to be the odds-on favorite, doesn't he? Seriously, who else is even close? Manu? Oh Boy Oberto? Luis Scola? I still say Peja's greasier than the three of them put together. He's at the top of his game right now.
Video:
It's just a little something I cooked up last year. Yes, it's an original song. Yes, the machines are already assembling, and we need to thi...What? Oh, don't give me that look!! This is TOO basketball related! Look at me reppin' my Drex jersey. Plus my beanie. Plus...OK, OK, fine, it's a cheap plug. Sue me.
Random Thought:Michael Holton's Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson reference during the Hornets game might be my favorite thing that's ever come out of his mouth. Beautiful, Michael.
This is one of my all-time favorite games. Those of you with decent memories will recall how this fourth quarter ends. I won't spoil it for those of you in the dark. Just watch it. Trust me. Oh, and make sure you click that little "watch in high quality" button. Makes a huge difference. Anyway, without further ado, take it away, Marv and Czar! Random Thought: I love Mike Rice. And Mike Barrett. But mainly, Mike Rice.
Did anybody else catch Mike Rice being especially senile during the Hornets game? He mistook that canned, Nature Boy Flair "Wooooo!" that the audio guy plays after a free throw for the Hornets floor announcer arrogantly making "cat calls" at our team to rub in the big lead. I love you, Mike Rice.
Also, during the Superbowl I was thinking, man, I really wish the Mikes were watching this game with me right now. You think it would be weird for Barrett to just sit there and watch the game? I bet he couldn't restrain himself from calling the action. While everybody else was just screaming wildly during the Santonio Holmes Show, I bet you Barrett would have busted out a mighty fine "Roethlisberger in the pocket! Looking, looking... rifles one deep to the corner of the endzone!!!! CAUGHT by Santonio HOLMES!!!!!!!"
Yo maniacs. For those of you out of the loop, you'll be happy to know that I was able to come down off my NBA EXPERT throne and mingle with the plebes tonight in the Garden of Roses courtesy of my surrogate big brother Andrew buying reserve tickets many months ago. Great game. Great experience. I love our team.
Before we made the trek to the arena, however, we decided to take a little Basketball 101 refresher course, courtesy of a local North Portland community center.
I'm not ashamed (okay, so I'm a little ashamed...) to say that after approximately four minutes of full-court play, I felt like I was going to puke up my liver right there on the court. Remind me to never, EVER do something that stupid again.
One amusing side note: Being from little old southern Oregon, I rarely, if ever, am afforded the opportunity to play basketball against somebody who isn't white. When I walked into that gym and noticed that Andrew and I were the only two white dudes in there, for some reason, the first thing that popped into my head was that RIDICULOUS basketball scene in "American History X."
I'm still laughing to myself about that one. Oh, and in case you were wondering, neither of the games I played in ended with the phoniest-looking dunk in the history of humankind. Seriously, how could they think we wouldn't notice that Ed Norton sucks at basketball? He's awful. He's got one move: that cartoony, behind-the-back, scooper-duper lay-in. I'm sorry, I know it's a movie, but I refuse to believe that little old ED NORTON is going to walk onto a Venice Beach court, ICE COLD OFF THE BENCH, and take over the game like that. Never in a million years. Never happening.
Hmmm, this is sort of inspiring me to do a "most implausible sports scenes" list. Well, something for all seven of you readers to look forward to, huh?
Random thoughts from the 300 level:
- As soon as I found my seat, the jumbotron erupted with a familiar sound: "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. As my eyes darted to the unavoidably large monitor above the playing surface, I was thrilled to find a slick highlight of Brandon mesmerizing all in attendance. Naturally, my knee-jerk reaction was to jolt toward the beautiful orgy of sounds and colors. Andrew, you will never know how close I came to spilling your beer all over your crotch and crotch-related body parts.
- For some reason, the powers at be allowed one of the Blazerdancers to sing the national anthem tonight. Nothing personal, Ione (pronounced Eye-Own-E, apparently), but don't quit your day job. By the way, is it really necessary to have cheerleaders at pro sporting events? Do we really need T&A EVERYWHERE AT ALL TIMES?
Look, I watch basketball to watch basketball. I watch fights to watch fights. If I want to watch attractive young women shake that groove thang, I'll head to the Bada Bing, OK?
But it's not just the scantily clad ladies that cheapen the experience. It's the jumbotron, too (cool Roy HL notwithstanding). And it's the stupid contests that fans are made to watch during every single timeout. Example: Between the first and second quarters tonight, we had to suffer through four jackasses in sumo suits living out their Superbowl fantasies with Blaze as all-time QB. In case you're curious, the jackasses representing Arizona won on a miraculous last-second touchdown pass. Oh, what's that? You couldn't care less about that stupid crap? You simply wanted to watch your team without having your intelligence insulted? Well, bad news, friends. The time of spending timeouts talking about the actual BASKETBALL GAME you're attending is long gone. Shame on you, NBA, for treating your fans like eight-year-olds in a Toys 'R' Us.
- OK, never mind, NBA. I get it, now. I understand why you do put on these ridiculous spectacles during the game.
Case in point: the jerk sitting behind me. I'm 100 percent positive that he is the biggest douche bag of the modern era. Yes, he even beats out Dmitri. Seriously, this guy sounded like he was about to wet himself when they started launching free T-shirts into the crowd.
But that's not all, my friends. Oh, no. The good Lord decided he was going to bless us even further by taking one of DoucheAss McBallsFace's ribs and creating THE DUMBEST WOMAN OF ALL TIME. Turns out DoucheAss is one of those guys who follows a team JUST enough so that he can feel superior to somebody who doesn't follow sports at all. Or, in this particular instance, so that he can show off his deep understanding of the game by naming most everybody on our roster to some Mentally Retarded Female.
I about lost it when I heard the MRF say (and this is a direct quote), "Ohhh, they have TWO guys from Spain??? NEAT!" Naturally, Douchey Howser, M.D. had something smart to say about the eclecticism of our talent pool, and naturally, Ugly Paris Hilton back there was like, SOOOOOOO impressed. It took all of my self-control to resist taking a swing at these two. They made Donnie and Marie look like Will and Amy.
Oh, and did I mention that after being invited to a most attractive young lady's apartment after the game, I somehow managed to crap the bed (figuratively, you smartasses) and screw the whole thing up?
I should probably just start smoking again.
- Up until the second quarter, I thought I had another jerk on my hands, this time sitting to my left. He opened the game by saying how Sergio was going to get "abused" by Deron Williams all night. I decided that such insolence would not stand and immediately delivered an impassioned speech about how much I love Sergio.
Yes, I love Sergio more than Bayless. Just--I DON'T WANT TO HERE IT RIGHT NOW, OKAY???? IT'S BEEN A LONG FREAKING NIGHT. I'll tell you about it later. Just...shut up for a second.
Anyway, as I was saying, dude starts hating on my man Serge just as they jump it up. First play of the game, Sergio nabs a steal. Next possession, he scores a quick two off some beautiful penetration into the lane. I emphasized my delight regarding both plays by screaming "YOU KNOW SERGIO?!!!" as loud as humanly possible in the direction of this naysayer. Though he wasn't wearing any Jazz gear, at that point I was fairly certain he was a BYU alum incognito.
Turns out, he was actually a pretty cool guy. He was just nervous because he had money on the game. The Blazers were giving 9 1/2 points to the road-weary Jazz, and I asked which way he bet. At first, he told me he was taking the points, to which I replied, "shame on you." Realizing his error, he quickly corrected himself and informed me that he was a Blazers fan and was in fact laying the points. He thought Sergio was too carefree with the ball and felt much more comfortable with Bayless running the point. Although I disagreed with his assessment, we gained each other's respect and went on to enjoy the game together as fellow maniacs, rooting not only for a victory, but also for a win by at least 10 points so homie would get paid.
Actually, I would say that this guy had a gambling problem if he wasn't so freaking good at it. Here's his betting record (at least, as much of it as we talked about):
1) He bet Pittsburgh to win the AFC at the beginning of the season at 5:1. Cha-ching.
Using those winnings, he made these bets and won all three:
2) Blazers to beat the spread vs. Jazz (Obviously we know what happened there)
3) Washington to cover against favorite ASU (UW won outright)
4) University of Portland to cover against #18 St. Mary's (UP won outright thanks to St. Mary's losing its best player the night before against Gonzaga.)
So, basically, this dude is a machine right now. I was THIS CLOSE to asking for his phone number so I could get his expert picks every week.
I mean, not that I, an NBA EXPERT in my own right, would actually even need any help in picking winners or anything. I just, thought, you know, it'd be fun to, um, compare notes, and... shut up.
Halftime highlights:
- Some jackass threw up a one-handed Hail Mary from half court to win a pickup. You can guess how that ended.
- Some high school cheerleaders were going to do a dance or something, but me and Andrew decided that making an exit to pay six bucks for a soda pop was a much, much better option than sitting through that s---. So, um, there you go. Halftime! Wooooo!
Random game-related highlights:
- Dick Bavetta is even more hilarious in person than he is on TV. Given two adjectives to describe Ol' ShrivelPuss, I would choose "demonstrative" and "lively."
- David Banner was at the game. So, you know...holla. Is that what the kids are saying nowadays? It changes so fast.
- Every time we gave the ball to Travis in isolation in the second half, my bud Andrew looked liked his jugular might explode from the sheer stress. His take on this particular offensive strategy: "God, man. It's like a heart attack on a plate." Whatever that means, I don't think it's good. - We as a fan base care FAR too much about receiving free Chalupa coupons. I swear, we were sitting on 98 points for about four possessions, mostly due to the incessant chanting of CHA-LU-PAS! CHA-LU-PAS! It's just a damned flat-bread taco, people. Get over it.
Best moment of the night:
This one is a tie. Both moments were equally entertaining.
1) As a joke, the director threw up a shot of Brevin Knight and Matt Harpring on the jumbotron Kiss Cam. Fighting through his hearty chuckles, Brevin reached over and planted one on the temple of an oblivious Harpring. Both of these guys get style points in my book for being good sports, especially Brevin. It's fun to see guys in pro sports who don't take themselves serious enough to be offended by a harmless practical joke. Well done, guys.
2) Two smoking hot ladies in the crowd were holding up a sign featuring Rudy's face pasted onto a robed, duel lightsaber-wielding badass with text reading "Rudy is a Jedi."
I'll give you guys a second to let that sink in.
Final non-Blazer thoughts from a tremendous sports weekend:
- What. A. Superbowl.
It's a shame that Ol' Graybeard couldn't get it done. But what can I say? Real life sucks.
Larry Fitzgerald, you're a man. Respect.
Santonio Holmes, that was one of the greatest catches I've ever seen. Pro ball, college ball, my back yard, anywhere. You should have that ball bronzed, brother.
I still hate "Ben."
I wish my 49ers were better.
- Rafael Nadal is a freak.
If you didn't watch that five-set, Nadal/Federer Aussie Open final at 4am like I did, you missed out, fool. Rafa's going to win at least three more consecutive French Opens and at least one of the other majors in each of those years. I'm sure he'll get at least one US Open, making him the first man to win the Slam since Andre (I think). The only question about this guy is how long can he endure the punishment his style of play inflicts on his body. Time will tell, but in my opinion, Nadal's biggest competition from here on out is Father Time (no disrespect to Fed).
Did I mention that I'm basically nocturnal now?
- Georges St. Pierre is another freak. Honestly, GSP has exceeded all my expectations. When he beat Matt Hughes in their rematch, I said that he'd hold on to that title for as long as he wanted to keep fighting. A mental lapse against heavy underdog Matt Serra cost him his title and stamped him with the unfair and inaccurate label of "mentally weak."
After watching what he did to current lightweight and former welterweight king BJ Penn at UFC 94 this Saturday, I don't know if we'll ever see GSP lose again. My prediction for the next year: he'll take Thiago Alves down and either TKO or submit him. Then he'll move up to 185 and have a superfight with my boy, middleweight champion Anderson Silva. He'll take Anderson down and grind out a five-round decision, much to my chagrin. After that? Who knows. But I don't see anybody at 170 or 185 touching GSP until he either A) gets old or B) gets injured.
Well, that's it, maniacs. I'm out of here. Get geared up to take some names in the Big Easy.
Ok, that's pretty much unreadable, but the point is that Joel is a +19 and Channing is a -10. Normally I don't give much weight to the +/- statistic, but in this case it is very representative. The Blazers were up 12 with about 6 minutes left in the second quarter when Joel came out, pushing Frye to the center position. We finished the quarter up 4. Let's just say, when the Blazers match up against Western Conference and division rivals in the last 30 games of the season, WE WANT GREG. Not Channing. Blade, what do you think? What injury is going to be the most costly? The least costly?
