Running Diary - All-Star Weekend 2009

2/13/09 1:18 PM, PST

They said it couldn't be done.

But they were wrong.

The disbelievers trembled with fear, jaws agape, as the pair of shockingly-handsome, hyper-intelligent supernovae, clothed in pants of white and green, descended upon the basketball plebes.

The commoners, near blind and deaf from staring at the beautiful madness of the two basketball demigods, began to scatter, begging for their lives and the lives of their children. All of them fled.

All but one.

A lone peasant, Murial of Lake Oswego, stood his ground and cried out, "My Lords! Art thou mad?! A diary encompassing the entirety of All-Star Weekend?! Surely you jest! Come, brothers, let us take up arms against our shiny overlords, so that we may rule our own kind and worship the great Round Ball in our own way!!"

The members of the fleeing hoard stopped in their tracks, their legs rooted to the ground like oak trunks. All eyes shot toward the two levitating figures. They stood frozen, breathless, waiting for what was to come.

With a single, understated wave of his right hand, Lord Striker crushed the larynx of the arrogant fool Murial, leaving him gasping for air and ruing his decision to defy his noble Gods.

As Murial began to run out of air, Lord Blade spoke softly to the shocked masses:

"Hear me, oh people of Rip City. Through the eons, Striker and I have watched over thy generations, guiding thy people through deadly jungles, always protecting them from the ever-lurking Mamba. Have faith in thy Lords, and I say unto thee this day, thou shalt dine upon the Mamba's flesh and suck at his bones. And thy victory will be so glorious, oh Portland, that thou shalt be sustained for a thousand years."

And the people did cheer and hoot and throw their hands toward the sky, praising their benevolent keepers. Even Murial was healed that day, a gift of forgiveness bestowed upon him from above. And the praise from the plebes was so great that the heavens themselves opened up and did begin to sing, "Vote me."

The disciples Greg, Brandon and Rudy were each to be rewarded for their noble sacrifices through the first 50 contests of the grueling NBA season. Each would receive a trophy made of iron and silver and balsa wood, commemorating their round ball superiority. And so it was, in the year two-thousand and nine, that the people of Portland were finally relieved of the heavy and uncomfortable cross borne for so many years. The last memory of the Bonzi Wells era had been swept away, and the people rejoiced with shouts of Rip City and Boom Chakalaka.

So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

So, um...yeah. We're gonna do a diary for pretty much the whole weekend, guys. Make sure to check back, because we'll be updating at all hours, day and night. The plan is to just keep adding to this post, so it'll be all in one place. Just scroll down to where you last left off and you'll be good to go.

Oh yeah, before I forget, I'd like to share one last thing. When I was at the Jazz game a couple weeks ago, I saw some middle-aged moron walking around in this woven abortion:Seriously, what kind of an ass wears this to a WIZARDS game, much less to the freaking Rose Garden??? I will never understand the non-existent "throwback" jersey. Not now. Not in 10 years. Not when I look like Burgess Meredith.

All right, maniacs. We'll be in touch.




T-Mobile NBA Rookie/Sophomore T-Mobile Youth SlamJam T-Mobile Rookie Challenge!
2/13/09
6:00 PM, PST

So, I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, “Hey, JERK. You said that this was going to be a diary of the WHOLE weekend, and yet, here I am, NOT reading about the celebrity game that took place this afternoon.”

In response to these concerns, I will say this: I accidentally slept through the stupid celebrity, game, OK? Call a cop. Jeez. If you’re really that worried about it, then here, check this out. Can you believe the balls on Michael Rapaport? I mean, I’ve generally despised everything the man has ever done (except Cop Land. Ooooh how I love Cop Land), and I’m not exactly sure how he qualifies as a “celebrity,” but I think he might be one of my new favorite celebrities after popping that three in T.O.’s eye and talking all that smack. Write it down: Mike Rapaport is not as big a douche bag as I had previously thought. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Chris Tucker.

Hey, speaking of crappy things, did you guys know that this Rookie/Sophomore game is sponsored by T-Mobile? No, really. It is. T-Mobile.

T-Mobile.

6:12 – Dwight Howard and Dwyane Wade will be the coaches tonight for our annual contest to see which team can miss the most alley-oops. I gotta say, Dwyane is looking SHARP in that yellow bowtie/vest combo. And I do believe that is the most enormous yellow diamond I’ve ever seen, and it's HANGING FROM HIS EAR. Actually, now that I think about it, I had no idea that yellow diamonds even existed. Sadly, Dwyane has negated his cool wardrobe choice by wearing a single strip of football…um…I guess you’d call it “eye blue”…with his name written on it. I can best describe this decision as poor.

6:13 – KURT RAMBIS SIGHTING.

I really want to get Kevin McHale up in this bitch and just start replaying “the clothesline” over and over again on the jumbotron. You know those two have unfinished business.

6:14 – Is it me, or should Travis Outlaw and Aaron Brooks fight to the death for title of Greatest Basketball E.T? Actually, come to think of it, AB is more of a chipmunk than an alien. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION, TRAVIS OUTLAWWW!!!!!!!!

6:15 – BronBron is providing color commentary while Nic Batum works his magic in what I assume is the French broadcast. I wonder if I can somehow pick that up?

6:16 – Yep, I still hate Craig Sager.

6:17 – Looks like Greg isn’t playing tonight because of a sore left knee. Ten to one says that “sore left knee” is code for “Nate doesn’t want me getting hurt playing in this stupid thing.”

First Half

6:18 – Oh my God, those are the most hideous uniforms I’ve ever seen. My TV screen looks like a giant Taco Bell menu in HD.

6:20 – OK, so Rudy seems to actually be playing hard, here. It’s clear that he does not quite understand All-Star Weekend protocol. Does this mean that tomorrow night he’s just going to try to dunk the ball as many times as possible within his allotted 90 seconds? Oh, god. I hope he understands the rules.

6:23 – Al Harrington has a signature shoe on sale at K-Mart now. In other important news, I pooped about two hours ago.

6:30 – Wow, Michael Beasley’s shoes look like they’re from another planet. Oooh, maybe Travis designed them! Seriously, Beasley’s shoes and Craig Sager’s suits need to get together and make some cute little multicolored toe sock babies.

6:35 – Man, I just CANNOT get over how freaking big that yellow diamond is. That thing must have cost Dwyane like $20,000. 31-27, Rookies with 9:22 to go in the half.

6:38 – Doesn’t Marc Gasol look like that kid who got held back like three years in elementary school? I can just picture him at 15 years old dominating a bunch of sixth graders, his full beard flapping in the wind.

6:44 – Where. The f---. Is Rudy?!

Look, he started 2-3 from three-point land, and Wade has had him on the bench for what seems an eternity, all to make room for Russell “Don’t Call Me Brian” Westbrook. Great.

6:45 – OK. Never mind. Wade just put Rudy in.

6:51 – I am going to slap Sager’s face SO SUUUUUUPER HARD. What a jerk. Way to make Greg feel even worse about not playing, Craig. I can pretty much guarantee that he’s going to cry one single, powerful tear when he gets back to his hotel room.

7:01 – The Sophs steal five quick points to end the half, capped by a Mayo three off the glass. Just like Dwight drew it up.

Halftime

I have only one halftime thought tonight, because after watching roughly eight minutes of what can best be described as “visual diarrhea,” most of my brain melted and oozed out my right ear. At least I know the name of my tormentor:

CORBIN BLEU.

WHYYYYY GODDDDDD???????!!!!

Second Half

7:19 – Pau kicks BronBron out of the booth. I wish Pau’s accent were thicker.

7:40 – “Hole own, Dwyane, I’m a trah sumpin’ fansuh.”

I MISS CHARLES BARKELY.

7:41 – Holy God, KD has 35. He’s a good player. 98-93, Sophs.

7:59 – OK, so as you can probably tell, I sort of stopped taking notes. It’s 112-103 with 3:03 to go. Is this…is this actually a GOOD GAME??? Both teams…played…hard? This has never happened before. I’m…vexed.

Final Score

Sophomores 122
Rookies 116
Kevin Durant 46/7

Final Thoughts

One more time, just for the record, Kevin Durant is excellent at basketball.

If he keeps this up, Dwight Howard is going to give Dikembe Mutombo a run for his money in the “All-Star Weekend Facial Expressions” contest. Too bad he can’t dunk in the contest and WATCH himself dunk in the contest at the same time.

Chris Bosh is SUCH a dinosaur. Mere coincidence that he plays for the Raptors? I think not. I really want Bosh and Jerryd to end up on the same team at some point, making us one step closer to a Jurassic Park All-Star Team.

Plenty more weekend where this came from, maniacs. Stay tuned.

Edit: 2/14/09
1:45 AM, PST

OK, so apparently Greg actually chipped his knee cap when he collided with Maggette last night. I think I speak for all Blazer fans everywhere when I say, "F---."




Guest Segment - Injectin' Estrogen
2/14/09
10:17 AM, PST

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Darcy, and I have the distinct pleasure of calling Mike and Joe my friends, spiritual basketball gurus and fellow Medford-Lifers. For my guest Valentine’s Day contribution to KobeStoppers I would like to inject some much-needed estrogen into the mix utilizing my keen female prowess. Without further ado, I give all you maniacs the Trail Blazers heartthrob report for the season thus far. In a crude order of sexiness/skill/aesthetic here is the list thus far:

1. Rudy Fernandez
2. Joel Przybilla
3. Brandon Roy
4. Martell Webster
5. LaMarcus Aldridge
6. Sergio Rodriguez
7. Greg Oden
8. Jerryd Bayless
9. Travis Outlaw
10. Stevie Blake
11. Ike Diogu
12. Channing Frye
13. Shavlik Randolph

Leading the team in the sexy-factor (no surprise here) is the incomparable better half of the Spanish inquisition, Rudy Fernandez. With his chiseled features, perfectly executed five o’clock shadow, and adorably broken English, I think he even makes Mike Rice blush with every glance to the scoring table (though Ricey could be red in the face for a different reason). I would run with that bull any day.

Next up on the attractive-scale is none other than the Vanilla Gorilla himself, Joel Przybilla. Though this high ranking may have something to do with my love of huge and equally dorky centers, Joel’s basketball consistency and blue-collar attitude make you want to bake him a pie and talk about how much you both hate Shaq.

B-Roy’s attractiveness stems from his comfort on the court. The Natural’s grace and poise on the floor seem indicative of the maturity and style of the perennial All-Star that he is (yeah, that doesn’t hurt either). Plus, that strong and smooth left hand seems good for more than just ridiculous reverse lay-ups in traffic.

Martell is hot. Have you seen his pea coat? I wish everyone in the Navy looked like him. He looks like a young Dennis Haysbert. Martell for president!

Next is the man who gives the ladies heart conditions and has one himself, LaMarcus Aldridge. Though I have my suspicions of a secret romance with Rebecca Haarlow, the women of Portland still have hope. His trim facial hair does little to disguise the dimpled baby face of a future All-Star and the kind of guy you want to bring home to Mom.

Serge!!! I feel like running up a muddy hill while hopped up on frighteningly caffeinated soda from the 90’s. But seriously, I would do him.

Now to assess Greg. He’s old, adorable and has a map of the world on his face. Plus, there is the added benefit of getting some senior discounts. Greg is the only dude in the league who’s fake ID is an AARP card. We goin’ Sizzler!

Jerryd Bayless is obviously a good-looking cat, and he kind of looks like T.I. But his eyebrows are so perfect and he is so well groomed it is rather intimidating. Lay off the wax, bro. Plus, he wears way more jewelry than I do.

My ninth and tenth picks are everyone’s favorite extra-terrestrial duo. It is tough for me to judge Blake and Outlaw on their sexiness because we are not the same species. I simply don’t know what is “good looking” or “attractive” for an alien. I love them both, but would never want to take the chance of ending up giving birth to ultra destructive and ingenious alien spawn.

The last three don’t really play. That trumps looks. Sorry.


HORSE: Saving you 15% or more on car insurance
2/14/09
4:32 PM, PST

In lieu of a running diary of this advertising abomination of a playground game, let me provide you with the following rundown:

The contest began with each of the players (Joe Johnson, Kevin Durant, OJ Mayo) taking exciting and amazingly difficult trick shots from all over the court. This would have been great except, unsurprisingly, they had difficulty making them. Shocking, I know. As a result, a couple of made shots from deep in the crowd gave way to three pointers and granny-shots from the foul line.

Joe Johnson was the first to be eliminated after he airballed a Rick Barry-style free throw. Ugly.

Kevin Durant then proceeded to hit 3 three pointers in a row, which OJ Mayo missed, giving KD the GEICO horse trophy on a come-from-behind victory.

I'm sorry, but I've seen more exciting shooting competitions between bench players when bad teams warm up before games. Literally, I was being distracted by leaves falling from a tree outside my window. Everyone who was raving about how fun it would be to have NBA players compete at HORSE can shut up now, thank you. Experiment tried, experiment failed, let's all move on.


Events that would be more exciting than NBA All Star HORSE:

- NBA players playing NBA video games against one another. Hell, let's have NBA players playing HORSE in an NBA video game, it would still be better.

-Horseshoes.

- Freestyle rap battle. Shaq vs. Kobe, anyone?

- NBA Scrabble. I'm thinking...Kenyon Martin, Josh Howard, Stephon Marbury, and Delonte West. And yes, we will count "Hands down, mans down, man" as one word.

- A Dance Dance Revolution contest with every player over 7 feet tall except Greg Oden.


That's all I can stomach for now. I'm going to go rinse my eyes with some Mr. Clean.


All-Star Saturday Night
2/14/09
5:29 PM, PST

All right, maniacs. This is the night we’ve all been waiting for. Well, actually, it’s the night before the night we’ve all been waiting for, but don’t let that discourage you. Getcha popcorn ready, because it’s time for Spanish Rocky to shake up the world.

5:32 – Well, all my expectations have already been exceeded for the evening’s proceeding thanks to three little words:

It’s Britney, bitch.

Yeah, man. Nothing says “NBA All-Star Weekend” quite like a washed-up pop star (who couldn’t sing to begin with, by the way) gyrating at me in HD. For future reference, is there any way I can “un-HD” my television during certain...unpleasant situations? Woof.

5:34 – Oh no. Don’t tell me they’re actually bringing back the stupid “NBA player/WNBA player/borderline-obese-at-this-point former NBA player” shooting thing. WHY? Why would David Stern do this to us??? Does he hate us? What did we ever do to him?

5:36 – OK, never mind. I take it all back. Watching Bill Laimbeer jump off the wrong foot while launching doomsday missiles from half court is EXACTLY how I want to spend my Saturday night.

5:37 – God, every minute of this garbage feels like an hour. The NBA: where HORRIBLY BORING EXERCISES IN FUTILITY happen.

5:50 – Thank God this stupid thing is over. Now, for the equally unnecessary practice of awarding a trophy that’s size is inversely proportional to the importance of the contest won. Hooray!

5:51 – And for the record, I still hate Aaron Afflalo. Although I must admit, his Ricky Davis-esque demeanor during the “competition” was both nauseating and endearing. Seriously, how do you “lazy” a 15-foot jump shot? How is that even possible??? Watching him shoot made me want to bore a hole in my forehead my with roommate’s power drill, but for some reason I just couldn’t look away. It was beautiful carnage, friends. That’s the best way I can describe it.

5:57 – Time for a little Playstation Skillzzzzz Challenge, folks.

Oh, what’s that? They could throw a bunch of topless Victoria’s Secret models out there, and you’d still be bored to death watching them dribble through cones? Yeah, me too.

6:04 – Apparently, Mo Williams has decided that he’s not going to sweat tonight. Probably a smart move. We wouldn’t want him to have to take a shower after the competition, or anything. What do you bet he’s got his club wear in a duffel under his chair on the bench?

6:09 – Derrick Rose has decided to follow the Afflalo/Williams model, and he half-hearted jogs through the course. I’m SO glad I decided to watch this.

6:11 – What is it with these NBA superstars dressing like Steve Urkel? I suddenly want a picture BronBron and Wade with Reginald VelJohnson.

6:17 – Let it be known: the color of Shaq’s suit is “everlasting cactus green.” This pleases me.

Speaking of the Shaqtus, I found this video far more entertaining that these first two events.

6:26 – Onward and upward, maniacs. We’ve got a three-point contest just begging to be tonight’s savior.

Let’s look at our entrants:

Rashard Lewis is a pure shooter like I’m a great dunker. The only way he wins this thing is if we tell him that his contract extension is riding on it.

Danny Granger is a good player, but not a guy for the three-point contest. We might as well have called up Q Richardson and had him come along, too (how did Q win one of these things???). The only way he should get in this contest is if they went back to the old eight-man, three-round format. Then I could see it. He’d be the honorary Detlef Schrempf entry.

Mike Bibby is not a consistent three-point threat. He’s great off a pick with the ball in his hands, but he’s got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning a “catch-and-shoot from two feet outside your range” contest, which is what this is for him.

Roger Mason is the new Robert Horry, apparently. Great. Good for him. But just because you’ve hit a few threes in clutch situations does not mean that you are a great volume shooter. Sorry.

Daequan Cook is apparently playing for the Miami Heat right now. Honest to God, I didn’t know he was on an NBA roster.

Jason Kapono – Man, this guy is the King of the Douches, but he sure can shoot that three-ball. Here’s your Bird/Hodges/Price/Allen/Dirk entry, folks. Though I’m reluctant to say he’s on the level of Bird and Hodges, if he wins his third consecutive title tonight, he’ll have to be mentioned in the same breath as those guys. Never mind the fact that he’s the only shooter in the competition this year. Seriously, if he doesn’t run away with this thing, it’ll be the biggest disappointment since I noticed we were out of Ho-Ho’s this morning.

OK, so never mind about that whole “savior” thing, I guess. I'm telling you, we need an eight-man field. Rudy, Ray Allen, Peja and Dirk should all be in this thing.

7:13 – Congratulations…Daequan Cook?

And congratulations to the NBA for going 0-3 so far tonight. Well, at least we got to watch a bunch of guys SHOOT LIKE CRAP for 40 minutes in a contest that’s supposed to showcase long-range accuracy. Maybe they should change the name to the Foot Locker Ironic Embarrassment for next year.

7:18 – Well, Kenny Smith has started to scream the names of random heavyweights from the 1970s, which clearly tells me that it’s time to watch some basketballs be dunked. But first, it seems TNT has a very special musical performance for us. Fun! I was actually just thinking about what this weekend has been sorely lacking in, and I realized that it was HORRIBLE MUSICAL ACTS THAT MAKE YOU BEG FOR DEATH.

Seriously, the musical performances so far this weekend have been the WORST that I have ever seen, and I’ve seen them all.

ALL of them.

By the way, I’ve been watching this show for almost two hours at this point, and I still cannot figure out what the hell that little CGI demon mascot is supposed to be. It’s maddening.

7:29 – I think we’re finally going to get to see some dunking, sports fans. Thank God.

Personal note to Larry Nance: SWEET paisley tie.

7:39 – Damn you, Pau Gasol. And damn you Kenny and Reggie. Even that hilarious diss on Mark Jackson after Tom Chambers was announced as a judge cannot save you from my wrath at this point.

I almost threw something at the TV when Kenny made fun of the “amateurism of Spain.”

The fact of the matter is this: Rudy got screwed worse than Hitman Hart at the Survivor Series. You know it. I know it. The American people know it. I’m not going to talk about it anymore because my doctor says my blood pressure is dangerously high as it is, and I can already start to feel that little vein in my forehead beginning to swell. Let’s just move on to the final. To read Rudy's thoughts on the screw job (in English), click here.

By the way, did anybody else catch that three-second shot of George Gervin sitting on the sideline with his chin on his hand, looking like he was watching paint dry? The NBA: where all-time greats falling asleep during your most exciting event happens.

Also, one more note from the first round: I hate J.R. Smith.

OK, two more. Did you guys see Dwight dunk on that 12-foot rim? I mean, as a basketball Youtube fiend, it’s not like I’ve never seen a guy dunk 12-feet before, but here’s the thing: Dwight dunked that ball with no effort. He made that dunk look easy. It looked like the rest of us dunking on an eight-foot rim. I’m going to come out and say that Dwight Howard is the most freakish athlete I’ve ever seen on a basketball court, LeBron included. Dwight was engineered in a lab. It’s the Dwight Howard show. Let’s see him dunk 15-feet.

7:42 – The Finals

Nate Dogg, first dunk – Wow. That was a great dunk. It was really kind of a throwback in a lot of ways. Seems like we saw Spud do that dunk in ’86. Still impressive when a tiny guy jumps that high in the air.

Superman, first dunk – GO HOME, NATE. Are you kidding me?

Tiny Black Lex Luthor, second dunk – Here is the actual conversation I had with my roommate Scott as Nate the Great was setting up:

Me: Wait, what’s he doing?
Scott: I don’t know.

(Nate picks up a ball…)

Me: Is he…is he going to try to jump over Dwight Howard?
Scott: Oh my God.

(Nate starts to run at the hoop…)

Me: There’s no way. I mean, Dwight’s like six-foot-eleven…
Scott: Holy…

(Nate takes off…)

Both of us, now standing: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s a 50, ladies and gentlemen.

Son of Jor-El, second dunk – See, here’s the problem. I really expected Dwight to take off from the top of the key. Was I crazy to expect this? I don’t think so. I think, based on what we’ve seen him do in the past, that a dunk from 19 feet away would have been perfectly reasonable. Unfortunately, we ended up with Dwight jumping from inside of Brent Barry's mark and ruining the competition’s climax. Ah, well, what can you say? The guy’s a two-footed dunker, plain and simple. Come back next year, Dwight, and stick to what you know.

Final Thoughts

Even though the first three events sucked hard, the dunk contest receives my endorsement. Yes, it ended with a whisper instead of a bang, but the important thing is this: legitimacy has been brought back to the dunk contest through Dwight Howard’s creativity. This is exemplified by LeBron’s tentative commitment to throw his hat into the ring next year. In years past, there was no motivation for a guy like LeBron to enter, right? It was a no-win situation for him. If he won, well, he was supposed to win. And if he lost, it would only hurt his street cred.

But now, dear friends, we may be treated to the most competitive and exciting dunk contest since MJ vs. Dominique in Chicago. Dwight has set an important example for other superstars in the league, and my hope is that they follow in his footsteps. Personally, I’ve been waiting my whole life for a contest that rivals the intensity of the MJ/’Nique/Spud/Drex era. Wouldn’t you go nuts if next year we had Bron, Dwight, Nate, Vince, and Kobe in the same contest? Wouldn’t it be cool if the dunk contest actually proved who the best dunker in the league was? It used to do this. It can do this again. I know it can. Pray it happens.

Stay tuned for the All-Star Game diary, maniacs.



2009 All-Star Game
2/14/09
11:19 PM, PST

Here it is folks, the big daddy of the weekend: the All-Star game itself. Now, will this be a double-overtime thriller like Jordan's last All-Star appearance in 2003? Or (more likely) will it be a 40-point raping like the West put on the East in 1992?

Frankly, I'm going to have to go with the latter. The West's team is just....better. Like, alot better. Sure, the East has Lebron and Dwight Howard, but frankly the team is made up of first-option scorers, not distributors or defenders. This is surprisingly important in the All-Star game. I think having CP3 on the West surrounded by great scorers (Kobe, Amare, Duncan, Dirk, Gasol) is going to be waaaaay too much for the East to handle.

Without further ado, TNT gives us...OH MY GOD THE COOLEST SHAQ DANCE SEQUENCE I'VE EVER SEEN. This is without a doubt the best thing that has happened yet at All-Star weekend.

Apparently that orgasmic dance experience with the Jabbawockeez has already created mini-Shaq/Jabbawockee offspring. And it is good.

Sidenote: How cool would it be if there was an actual dance competition between NBA players? There is no doubt in my mind that there are a lot of guys out there that cut some fine rug. I'm looking at you, Robert Swift.

Oh God, no, no, I'm making an effort NOT to look at you, Robert Swift. My mistake.

AAAAAND we're off!


First Quarter:

10:26 - AI caps off a 7-0 East run to start the game with a sweet ball fake and finish at the rack. Could I have been completely wrong in my prediction? Iverson has gotten a fair amount of internet flak over his starter spot which many feel he does not deserve. Now that I think about it I could see him exploding for 35 to silence the haters.

7:50 - Hey, it's a giant Lebron James travel! See, that's what the All-Star game is all about: watching players do what they do best.

6:58 - CP3 steals AI's pass and dishes to Kobe, who soars in for an undeniably sweet jam. Jesus, watching Chris Paul out there playing with guys who aren't the New Orleans Hornets terrifies me to no end. With a reliable finisher Paul puts up 15 assists a game.

Uh-oh, it's Shaqtus time!

And now Roy enters the game! I'm pumped to see him use that sneaky athleticism to surprise some folks. He flourishes in this game, for some reason.

It's kind of odd to see two #7s running around on the same team out there. Maybe we should just kill or tragically cripple the other #7...oh, he happens the best player on the Denver Nuggets, the Blazers' division rivals who are currently in first place by 3.5 games? Ooops...

Also, apparently B-Roy does have some animosity toward Billups. Watch him sabotage Billups' blindfolded free throw record here.

2:02 - Tony Parker tops off a 17-0 West run with a lay-in off the full-court no-look pass from the Big Chamberneezy. The run went something like this: Layup, layup, three-pointer, dunk, dunk, dunk, layup, dunk, layup. And still Marv Albert continues to rave about the great defensive intensity by both teams.


Second Quarter:

10:55 - Roy almost loses the ball, but then spins to his right and finishes easily with a soft touch off the glass. Sexy. 38-27, West.

A note to Craig Sager:

Dear Mr. Sager,

Please send me the $7500 required to surgically repair my eyes after I accidentally looked at your clothes. Enclosed is an envelope and postage.

Your prompt response is appreciated.

Sincerely,

Striker

7:52 - RayRay and Paul Pierce have quietly combined to score the East's last 14 points. Unfortunately, there are probably no two players that are less interesting to watch in an All-Star game. I mean, yes, watching PP use his size to drive to the right side and draw contact for the foul is very effective. It is also VERY BORING.

Sidenote: Maybe I was wrong to make fun of Marv for praising the defense. While there is certainly no team defense (and you can't really expect there to be), players certainly seem to be hustling on the defensive side. But...maybe it's just so they can get a steal for an open dunk or oop on the other end. Either way, it's surprisingly competitive right now with the West leading, 48-47.

3:19 - Chris Paul gets a defensive rebound, runs the length of the floor in about 1.3 seconds, and then finds Roy on the trailer for the two handed jam.

2:29 - Dwight Howard gathers a Lebron miss, shuffles his feet, jumps up and down, performs the Hokie-Pokie and the Riverdance simultaneously, then banks it in off the glass. Now THAT'S how you travel.


Halftime:

The West leads the East at half, 72-67. Mamba leads the West with 13 first half points. Roy had a nice quiet 8 points, but was mainly looking to distribute the rock, often passing just when it came to him.

I've also been watching Roy look for lobs around the basket. He keeps setting up on the weak side, starting little spurts toward the hoop, and looking to the point guard for the lob. He hasn't got one yet, but he will. Oh, he will.

Halftime notes:

- The US Olympic gold medal team is receiving their rings at halftime. For some reason, they have also brought various players from other national teams to share in the ceremony. Two things: 1) Why is Marc Gasol receiving some kind of honor? Rudy was much more important to that Spanish national team and he is obviously there this weekend. Damn you thrice, Mr. Toad!! 2) Those rings are UGLY. Why would I want the symbol of my Olympic accomplishment to be the color of the Eye of Mordor's pupil? I feel like it's sucking the life out of me through my TV screen.

- Is it just me or does this incredibly over-produced, self-loving NBA Cares TV spot just reek of hypocrisy? Yes, the NBA does great things. Sure, players help kids and teach healthy habits and build houses. But shouldn't the gazillion dollars spent on producing this wildly intense ad which proclaims that the NBA is the greatest aid to mankind since the invention of penicillin instead be spent ON HELPING PEOPLE?!?! A radical concept, I know.

- OBAMA!!!! OBAMA!!!! OBA...ok, that was just kinda awkward.


Third Quarter:

11:21 - Yao drains a 10-foot hook shot, giving him his first points of the game! Thank God, he can now sit down and stop worrying about his gigantic yet tender footsies. I don't blame him; if I was 7 & 1/2 feet tall I would probably never stand up in the first place.

7:30 - The East is just ice-cold. They've started the second half 4-11 from the field and are even missing free throws. Since the West is getting whatever they want inside, if they don't start hitting some shots this one is over. 84-74, West leads.

6:20 - Kobe hits two threes in the span of a minute. I think he wants this MVP. Right now, it's all his.

5:52 - Shaqtus time, baby!

Talk about instant impact. Shaq hits a layup, two dunks, a baby hook, and another dunk (off a nice no-look pass from Roy), blowing this game wide open. Then he misses three out of four free throws. The Big Aristotle giveth, the Big Aristotle taketh away.

Sidenote: I'm really surprised by the East. Not by the fact that they are losing handily, but by how boring they are to watch out there. Lebron's not driving and throwing it off the backboard to himself, Dwight Howard isn't getting lobs 12 feet in the air, and the team in general couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. Booo.

The third quarter ends, mercifully.


Fourth Quarter:

Good. God. I am so frustrated with the East right now. Here are their offensive plays for the first five minutes of the fourth:

- Missed three.
- Missed 22-foot jumper.
- Made layup.
- Made jumper.
- Made 18-foot jumper.
- Missed three.
- Missed three.
- Made jumper.

Does it get any more boring than that?

Honestly? There's not much more to say. Kobe drained a few more shots, Lebron missed about 12 jumpers, the West expanded their lead. Most of the camera time was spent with Craig Sager walking around talking to various celebrities and players.

The last minute of the game became a frenzied dunkfest. First Amare threw down a huge two-handed windmill. Then, off a turnover, Chris Paul finds Roy off the glass for a BOOM-shakalaka. It all culminates with Lebron waving everyone out of the way, tearing down the lane, tossing it high off the glass to himself, and PUNISHING the rim with two hands. Wow.


Post-game thoughts:

Not a terrible game, not a great one. Shaq's performance, from his dance during the introductions to his 'megging of Dwight Howard on the give-and-go, was fantastic. Roy had nice game, with 14/5/5 and no turnovers. Interestingly, he played the most minutes of any player on the Western roster with 31! Either Phil Jackson is a great judge of talent and wanted to give Brandon his due or he is strategizing against the Blazers because he fears us!! Maybe it's both.

In honor of Kobe and Shaq's shared MVP, I present you with this glorious music video (give it about 20 seconds, I swear it's worth it):



Yes, folks, that is the iconic R&B group B2K. Yes, they are wearing not one, not two, but three Mamba jerseys between the four of them! Sickening. I guess I have to give props to the one homie wearing the Shaq jersey...I guess.

Pop Quiz! Which four of the following names are the actual group members of B2K?

- Omarion
- Lil' Fizz
- Iz Boozle
- Raz-B
- Finquavius
- Big Janeezy
- J-Boog
- Eric

No, I'm not going to tell you the answer. I'm making a point.

On that note, that's it for All-Star weekend here at Kobestoppers! Stay tuned in the next few days for insightful analysis on whatever bigtime trades might be happening before the deadline. Also, we'll probably find some incredibly juvenile youtube videos!