Who Betta?

Coming off that brutal home loss against the Orlando Luckyfreakingstraightonbankshots, I thought I’d clear the air a little by posting our first ever installment of “Who Betta?”

In this segment, we attempt to answer that age-old question: Who betta than Kobe? After many years of tireless research and several minutes perusing Wikipedia, I’m ready to unveil our first inductee into the “Who Betta?” Hall of Fame:

Vlade Divacs

Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Just look at him. Look at that beard. You think Kobe could grow a beard like that? Paul Motherf#@*ing Bunyan couldn’t grow a beard like that.

You want stats? Here’s some stats: over 13,000 points, 9,000 boards, 3,000 dimes, and 1,500 blocks. You know who didn’t put up numbers like that? I’ll give you one guess, and the answer isn’t Hakeem or Kareem. In fact, it doesn’t end in an “-eem” of any kind. You got it. Kobe.

You want more? How about this: I used to fall asleep to a mix tape I made of Bill Walton just saying Vlade’s name over and over again. I can still hear it now…VLAAHHDEEEE DEEEEVAHTS.

EVEN MORE??? Oh, I GOT more for you, my son. Just gimme a sec while I UH OH SPONTANEOUS SUPER SICK VLADE MIX TO BLINK 182 WITH ALL HIS SWEET MOVES SUCK IT MAMBA



The best part of this whole experience for me was when I discovered that some random Serbian super-fan was the author of Vlade’s Wikipedia page:

“He began his professional career in Yugoslavia playing for KK Sloga Kraljevo, and was immediately noted for scoring 27 points against mighty Red Star.”

Oh, I’m sorry, did KOBE ever score 27 against mighty Red Star?

45 seconds before the end, Yugoslavia had a comfortable lead of 9 points, but Soviets scored three three-pointers in a row: the third one was result of a steal of Divac's overconfident dribbling at midcourt. In the overtime, the Soviets easily prevailed against the shocked Yugoslavs, who had to be content with the bronze.

Now, some LA fans might try to use this against us Kobestoppers and say, “Hey! See? Your main man Vlade the Gnome wasn’t that great after all!” To that, I will respond with four things:

1) Let he who has never dribbled overconfidently at midcourt throw the first stone. We've all messed up, even the Mamba.

2) Actually, ESPECIALLY the Mamba.

3) I hate Kobe.

4) Where the heck is Yugoslavia, anyway? Is it, like, near Isreal? And, hey! Speaking of Yugoslavs, what the heck ever happened to Toni Kukoc?

That’s all we got, folks. Stay tuned for an upcoming Blazers/Jazz diary, written by my second favorite Blazers fan in the world.

And don’t forget – who betta than Kobe?

Damn right. Vlade betta than Kobe.