3:52 PM, PST
Yes, I realize that it’s been a long-ass time since our last running diary, and YES, you can all stop your freaking whining, OK? Do you know how many starving children in China don’t even HAVE running diaries?! Huh?! Do you?!
Seriously, how excited are you guys right now? I’m about to blow a gasket. I can’t wait for this thing. If I had to sum up my level of anticipation and excitement in one random Youtube video, it would have to be this one:
Pre-Game
3:53 – No Rudy tonight. His foot’s not feelin’ so hot. That’s okay, Rudy. Rest it up, big man. We’re still going to vote you.
3:54 – So, let me get this straight. If I get a Bowflex, I can have a body like THAT guy? Does that also mean my face will turn into a synthetic rubber mask like his? Jesus.
3:56 – OK, we’re in Philly, so clearly, the pre-game hype video HAS to be set to the Rocky theme, right? Oh man, this is gonna be SO sweet.
3:57 – Bon. F*#$ing. Jovi. Unbelivable. I’m baffled. It’s baffling. Somebody tell the crew that we’ve got the Nets tomorrow night, and that whoever chose “You Give Love a Bad Name” for tonight’s hype video will be beheaded at halftime with extreme prejudice.
Oh yeah, and that reminds me – the suffering isn’t over, because it’s time for everybody’s favorite theme song...
3:58 – Ba nanananananananananaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! DAMN THIS SONG. Led freaking Zeppelin couldn’t perform this piece of trash and make it tolerable. For the love of God, I’m begging someone to stop this.
4:00 – Crappy...elementary school...choir...performing.....national anthem....at....midcourt. Arghhhhh....sucks...too.....much....can’t...talk....can’t....breathe...
I don’t know much in this crazy, crazy world. But I do know this: that sort of thing NEVER would have happened in the Spectrum. May the ghost of Henry Bibby haunt you for all times.
4:08 – OK, here we go. Just about game time, so...oh, wait. Never mind. Here come Rice’s keys to the game.
4:09 – Keep them out of the paint and to score more points than they do. That’s what he just told us, and the man had THREE KEYS to work with. As Ol’ Green Pants would say – GADZOOKS!
First Quarter
4:10 – We’re trying to establish Greg early down low. He’s 0-2, but I like the idea.
4:11 – Philly’s playing aggressive D early. Lots of hands swiping at balls.
4:12 – Hahahahahahahaha.
4:13 – Ahhhem. Um, since Philly is playing such tight defense, we should be able to go by them and get to the rack. Either that, or find backdoor cutters when defenders are cheating in the passing lanes. Instead, we’re throwing up bricks from God-knows-where. We’re 0-4. Not the start I would have liked.
4:14 – Tony WHO??? When did Mo Cheeks get fired?! Why wasn’t I told?! Well, so much for being an NBA “expert,” huh?
4:15 – Joe has just informed me that no one, other than myself of course, has ever thought of me as an NBA “expert,” so there is no reason to feel ashamed. What a relief.
4:17 – Lousy transition D results in a Thaddeus Young dunk, and it’s 14-6, bad guys. After a Nate timeout, Barrett makes fun of Philly’s fandom by stating that a crowd numbering “in the tens” is fired up. Classic Barrett, right there, folks. I love this guy.
4:19 – Two turnovers in two possessions after the timeout. Probably not how Nate drew it up. On a positive note, here comes Pryz!
4:21 – Another turnover. Philly’s up 12 now. Thad Young hits a three and LaMarcus is called for a charge. I don’t know if you guys are watching this, but...um...we’re not playing very well.
4:23 – Oh, great. Thanks for throwing a little salt in the open wound, Comcast. Look, we get it already. Channing makes hits. He wants to hold the crazy mask and not the pumpkin head. He fails his first attempt at a “vet move.” WikideewikideewikMUSIC. Free food. Rise with us. Please stop showing this.
4:28 – Annnnnnd there’s our seventh turnover in the first quarter. Philly leads 31-15 as the period comes to a close. This delicious plate of nachos I’ve been devouring offers me little consolation, in case you were wondering.
Second Quarter
4:35 – Aflac Random Stab time! Um, something about rebounds in a playoff series. Sounds like Bill Walton in the ’77 finals to me. Of course, they might be asking about team offensive rebounds in the preseason or something, so I wouldn’t bet the bank on this one. Or on any of these f#$*ng Aflac “questions.”
4:38 – Sweet Lou Williams hits a three. We’ve committed 10 turnovers is 13 minutes. Philly just threw down an easy transition dunk. Now let’s see here...where did I hide the arsenic, again?
4:40 – BAYLESS!!!! Oh. Oh my God. If that dunk had gone in....good Gawwwd.
4:41 – OK, you know what, Dwyane? With the exception of that nearly-missed jam from Bayless, neither my mama nor I like it. Jerk.
4:46 – Greg is called for a phantom travel, and it’s 43-21, Sixers.
4:48 – By the way, don’t forget to check out Trail Blazers Courtside this w
eek with Mik
e Barrett, Mike Rice, and Jabba the Hutt.Just kidding, maniacs. I’m sure Brian Wheeler is a lovely man. And from the few games I’ve listened to on the radio over the years, I must say that he is an awesome play-by-play guy. Boom Chakalaka.
4:56 – Alonzo Mourning’s super fly color-coordinated dress shirt, sunglasses, and Gatorade combo do little to soothe the red-hot flames of frustration coursing through my black heart.
4:58 – Channing enters the game for an “offensive boost.” Excuse me for a second. I just need to go find my .38 and that single hollow-point round I’ve been keeping for just such an occasion. Be right back.
5:02 – Big Sam Dalembert takes a knee to the crotch from a driving Roy. Every cloud has its silver lining, I suppose.
5:03 – Well, it hasn’t been the best first half, but at least – OH GOD STEVESIE!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED??!!!! SWEET LORD WE NEED PAUL PIERCE’S CALF MASSAGER GUY AGAIN!!!!! WHAT DID BLAKEY DO TO DESERVE THIS??!!!!! WHHHHHYYYYYY GODDDDDD!!???!!!!
I swear on the lives of all my future ex-wives that I will avenge you, Steve. For all those whom it may concern, let it be known:
I’m placing a bounty on Reggie Lewis’ head. Any NBA player who puts him on his back will find a crisp $20 bill in their locker after the game. Any player who ends his career gets a Rolls Royce. If he dies (and yes, he must be declared medically, legally dead by a physician of my choosing), you can have my most prized possession in all the world: my autographed Bill Walton head shot.
Are we clear on the stipulations? Excellent. Ready, set, BOUNTY!
Halftime Thoughts
I don’t mean to be a negativity spreader, but to paraphrase Larry Legend, we’re playing like a bunch of girls tonight. We’re down 22. At the half.
I’m going to be extremely disappointed if it turns out that the formula for beating us is just to turn up the aggressive dial defensively. LA did it. Boston did it. In a way, Golden State did it (until they remembered that they weren’t supposed to play any defense and started jogging from three point line to three point line so they could get up more shots), and Philly’s doing it tonight. Yes, I realize that Boston and the LA Kobe are arguably the best two teams in basketball, and yes, I know we played them on their own turf, but don’t dismiss what I’m saying. When defenders start slapping at us and we don’t get any whistles, we start to get intimidated. Watch for it.
Sidenote: I contacted Oregon Mentors after watching that awesome commercial and asked them if I could have Greg as my new dad, what with my real one being a drunk and all. According to them, I “misunderstood what the program is about.” They also reminded me that I’m actually three years older than Greg. Oh well. It was worth a shot.
Michael thinks we’ll see Brandon isolated at the top of the key with four flat on the baseline. I hope he’s right, because moving the ball around the perimeter is working about as well as whatever the hell Custer’s plan was at Little Bighorn.
Tony’s wearing a great tie tonight. Doesn’t he always wear the nicest ties? Man, they’re nice.
Third Quarter
5:22 – Mike Rice says (once again) that he’ll get a faux hawk if the Blazers lead after this quarter. Ah, the impossible dream.
5:23 – More classic Mike Rice: “Wow. NICE....uh....herring...uh.....herringbone suit there on Rudy! Really looks...........GOOD. He probably bought that in SPAIN.”
Mike Rice, everybody!
5:24 – Brandon takes the hit on his pinky splint and still scores. As he steps to the line, I remember what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving. Boy, it really doesn’t look like Philly’s got that eye of the tiger coming out of the locker room. Come on Blaze, let’s rumble. Think Clubber Lang before Rocky went to L.A. with Apollo.
5:25 – Angry Greg tosses in a lefty hook. Batum swats a shot, and Bayles is going to the line after getting fouled on the break. Wow, maybe this Clubber Lang thing will actually work. Ummm…C’mon Balboa! Make me weak!!!
5:30 – We’re on an 8-0 run, capped by a lefty jam from Brandon off the pretty LMA dish. Philly calls time. Immediately after the break, Big Sam takes steps and Brandon drills home a 15-footer! Philly wants to talk it over again. More! More Clubber! Shut up old man, I ain’t goin’ NO WHERE!!!!
5:35 – LaMarcus gets hit in the lane and somehow flips in a 23 skidoo layup. No whistle. Whatever. Nicolas finds the range from three, and suddenly it’s an EIGHT POINT GAME. OK, OK, umm......mohawk....gold chains....uh...shredded pectorals...and....I’m angry. REALLY angry. Hey woman! Hey woman!!! I bet you cry yourself to sleep every night, wishin’ you had a real man, don’t you? I tell you what. You bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I’ll SHOW you a real man.
5:39 – Wow, I just noticed the gold tie that Nate’s wearing this evening. Beautiful.
5:42 – Well, I guess I was wrong. It is indeed possible to say “Jay Lee’s Gladstone Honda” 46 times in two 30-second commercials. Looks like I owe Striker (bastard in green pants) a fiver, and OH MY GOD SASQUATCH SITING. Fourth row. Grizzly Adams is in the building, people. And what’s better? He’s wearing a Greg jersey. Yessssss.
5:47 – Oh, yeah, I almost forgot – there was a basketball game going on here somewhere. Hmm...well, it seems the lead has swelled back to 14, and...oh sweet Jesus, here comes Channing Frye again. Fantastic. What’s that? Mike Rice loves this move? I never would have guessed. For the record, I’m giving this decision one frye with no frye sauce.
5:48 – Channing immediately pops a 20-footer, and it’s a 10-point game. OK, fine. Two fryes. Shut up.
Fourth Quarter
5:52 – I would use many adjectives to describe the sandwiches that I purchase at Subway, but “FLAYVALICIOUS” is not among them.
5:54 – Aldridge does his best “Don Nelson in Game 7 of the ’69 Finals” impression. We’re not dead yet.
5:55 – Reggie Evans strikes again by pushing Channing in the back after elbowing Brandon upside the head (no whistle on that one, naturally). OK, you know what? I’m upping the bounty. You put him out, and you get the keys to my house for a month. Do what you want, when you want. I’m not going to ask any questions. Seriously, though. That Reggie Evans is a bad man. He’s like some sort of evil, black, basketball-wielding Santa Claus.
5:57 – Travis makes a brilliant defensive play and then immediately makes a boneheaded one. Welcome to the Travis Outlaw Experience, Sixers fans.
6:00 – Both teams play hard. We’re trading buckets, which is no good. We gotta get some stops or we’re done sauce.
6:02 – I swear to God, Evans thinks he’s playing under prison rules. Forget the NBA, that guy should be fighting Kimbo Slice in a backyard somewhere.
6:05 – So, turns out Stevesie suffered a mild shoulder separation, and he’ll be out one to two weeks. God, are we going to miss that guy. By the way, Philly’s up 17, so...yeah.
6:09 – And the answer to the Aflac “Pick A Name That Sounds Vaguely Familiar” is…Bill Walton? You mean...I...I got it...right??? Wow. This might be the greatest day of my life. What’s even cooler is that I actually sort of understood the question when they asked it.
6:11 – Nate waves the white flag and removes Brandon and LMA from the contest. Smart move. Save that energy for tomorrow, boys. Live to fight another day. Of course, there’s still a glimmer of hope for tonight, because.......
6:12 – HERE COMES SHAVLIK!!!!!!
Post-Game Thoughts
I have none. That was the worst I’ve seen us play since the season opener. Yes, that was worse than our TD Banknorth beatdown. At least we were competitive for a while in that one. I gotta tell you, guys. This one stings. Especially after how Greg performed in Chicago. Our lack of Fernandez was wildly apparent. Well, there’s always New Jersey. Later, maniacs.
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