7:19, PST
No time to waste, maniacs. Settle into your seats and grab your favorite brand of cheese-flavored aerosol paste, because Ol’ Mike’s got a buttload of pre-game observations for you:
7:20 – Let it be known: Kobestopper Joe is actually at this game, braving the City of Angels while wearing nothing but his LaMarcus jersey, all for the good of this site. OK, so he’s probably wearing some green pants, too. Whatever. Joe has promised to send me texts during the game, and I will keep you abreast of his courtside observations through the use of the STRIKER UPDATE mechanism.
7:21 - We need to blow these guys off the floor. They’re bad at their jobs.
Random Note: Check this out – yet another amusing Google search somehow landed a would-be Monty McCutchen assassin to our little corner of cyberspace.
7:22 - Stevsie is back in the starting lineup for the game tonight, unbeknownst to Mike Rice. A smirking Mike Barrett arrogantly questions Rice’s choice of Sergio as tonight’s X-Factor, postulating that Rice’s choice might have been different had the coach known of Blakey’s return. Luckily for Barrett’s nearly-orphaned children, Rice quells the hellish rage within his eyes and decides not to swallow his broadcast partner whole.
7:26 - CSN flashes a graphic titled “Let Me Assist You” while Michael and Tony talk about Sergio’s increased playing time and his 10.9 dimes per 48 minutes. Really, Comcast? That’s the best you got? Let me assist you? The correct title for that graphic was clearly “Assister Act.” You know it. I know it. The American people know it.
7:27 - Party Works still sucks.
7:28 - Greg and LaMarcus are super white-hot fire right now. Let’s give them the ball.
7:32 - Michael Holton pulls a General Zod and DEFIES his floor director, who is undoubtedly making the universal “wrap it up” sign. Holton calmly ignores the headset-wearing peon standing beside camera three and proceeds to talk at light speed for 20 seconds, finishing his rant about scouting reports and player tendencies with a satisfied half-smile. You guys remember when Tony Dungy sent the punt unit out on the field for a fourth-and-short, and Peyton Manning emasculated Dungy in front of the entire world by sending the punt unit BACK OFF the field? That’s what Holton just did to his floor director.
Michael Holton: Player of Basketball, Speaker of Words, Crusher of Souls. 7:34 – A BAD ASS hype video set to AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” is totally ruined by the Blazer theme performed by some band called Western Ariel. Why, God?
7:35 - On a scale of one to ten, with one being Alec Baldwin and ten being Jan Brady, how jealous do you think the Clipper Girls are of the Laker Girls? Eight? Nine?
7:37 - Mike Rice points out that Mike Dunleavy won Coach of the Year as Blazers coach during the ’99-’00 season. He neglects to mention that Dunleavy also won the coveted “Reddest, Puffiest Face of the Year” and “Worst Hair of the Year” awards that season and every season thereafter.
First Quarter
7:40 – STRIKER UPDATE: “I can’t believe Fred Jones is starting for the Clippers.”
Me either, buddy. Um…go Ducks?
7:41 – Brandon hits from 12 to start. Freddy answers right back with a three-pointer as if to say, “F--- you, Striker.”
7:44 – Steve looks like a bionic commando with that shoulder pad on.
7:47 – Brian Skinner, having apparently recovered from his flu, accidentally runs into Brandon and is whistled for the foul. After the collision, we’re treated to this exchange:
Barrett: …And Brian Skinner is called for the foul on Roy.
Rice: …mmm…yeah…mm…
Barrett: Well, I don’t think he meant anything by it…
Rice: I dunno…Anybody with gold at the bottom of their beard…I dunno.
Barrett: …We…uh…apologize…
7:48 – STRIKER UPDATE: “AWESOME Clips fan behind me: ‘gotta watch out for Brandon Roy, he’s gonna hit ’em allll day loooooonng on us.’”
7:53 – Greg is catching the ball with excellent position down low. When he’s that deep, it’s all over for the defense. Excellent back-to-back defensive possessions for us just now. That might be a first.
7:55 – STRIKER UPDATE: “An ALIEN just wandered on the court wearing a Blazer jersey.”
Lookin' good, Travis.7:58 – Aflac time! Is it me, or are these questions getting easier and easier to understand? Two Blazer coaches have won Coach of the Year. Who are they? Well, as Rice pointed out in the pre-game, Dunleavy is one. The other could be Ramsay in ’76-’77. Or, it could be Adelman in ’91-’92. That team won, like, 68 games or something. I’m going with Adelman.
7:59 – Freddy’s really earning that 10-day contract. He’s 3-3 from three-point range with 11 points total. STRIKER UPDATE: “Fred Jones is killing us.”
No s---, green pants. 22-21, Clips.
Second Quarter
8:05 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Mmmm…ultimate nachos.”
It’s always food with him. Even when we were fighting f---ing ninjas in the f---ing White House, Joe had a corn dog in one hand the entire time. Unbelievable.
8:09 – There’s a quick shot of Paul Allen sitting with old friend Dan Akroyd. The former Elwood Blues appears to be sporting some rather large sunglasses, assumedly to avoid the riot that would break out when the 34 fans at the game noticed he was in attendance. You know, because he’s still REALLY famous and everything.
Three to one says less than 10 percent of the fans in attendance under the age of 30 could pick Dan Akroyd out of a lineup. Luckily, I would be among those in “the know.” I wonder if he’d sign my copy of “The Great Outdoors?”
8:11 – Oh my GOD. Rudy. Hook pass. No looking. Alley-oop Slamfest. LaMarcus.
I hope Joe brought a change of drawers after that one. Tied at 31.
8:22 – Blakey gets drilled by a Skinner pick and has to leave the game. Maybe Mike Rice was right about not trusting dudes with dyed beards…
Also, Greg absolutely MUST communicate to Steve on that pick. Let him know it’s coming, big man!
8:24 – I’M OLD GREGGGG!!!
8:29 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Oh, God. So many jalapenos. Also, how are they getting offensive boards over us?”
I have no idea, buddy. Hey! Jessica Alba!
8:31 – Brandon has 20 after back-to-back threes. Scratch that, 22. STRIKER UPDATE: “Has Roy missed? Eric Gordon is going to be a good player.”
No, he has not missed, and yes, E-Gord is going to be good. In my opinion, he looks like a young A.I. at times. 49-48, Blaze.
STRIKER’S HALFTIME THOUGHT-STRAVAGANZA:
- B-Roy is God.
- Let’s keep pounding it in to Greg
- We need to box the f--- out.
- Indians are dancing to Lil’ Wayne at halftime
- RLEC for Fred Jones? Hahahaha.
- Also, we just got called “the rowdy row” by some bitch that works at Staples.
Always the class act, Joe. To that, I will add:
- The defense needs to pick it up. Come on fellas, defend the pick and roll like you’re adults, huh?
- Nic, you need to stick to Gordon like glue. He is their only hope.
- Looks like Steve’s out for the second half, so Sergio and BayBay need to stay consistent.
Third Quarter
8:53 – Serge steals the ball and hits LMA on the trail for an easy jam. I like this very much.
8:54 – Ho. Lee. Sheeeeeeaaaaaaattt.
BAFFLED STRIKER UPDATE: "Holy s---, was that pass by Serge for real?"
It was indeed, Joseph. My jaw is still on the floor.
8:59 – Greg is too deep. Bad news for DeAndre Jordan. The celebration is short-lived, however, as Greg is then immediately Violet Palmer’d for his third foul.
9:02 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Little boy to cool Clips fan: ‘stop number seven.’ Cool man: ‘you can’t stop number seven.’”
9:07 – This Barq’s root beer is even frostier and tastier because I’m drinking it out of my Terry Porter Dairy Queen glass.
Mmmm. Delicious. 9:08 – Gordon throws one down in transition, but BRANDON ANSWERS RIGHT BACK!!!!!! Oh my GOD. I literally woke up the cat with that exuberant shriek I just made. Cheikh Samb, I do not know where you are from, but wherever that may be, you need to just pack up and go back home, my friend. You can’t recover from this.
Brandon dunked his f---ing headband off.
STRIKER SAYS: “Oh my God. I have never seen Brandon dunk on someone’s face like that.”
Me either, dude. I still don’t know if that actually happened. That was an MJ-style, “SIT CHO ASS DOWWWWN” jam.
9:13 - FROM THE DESK OF STRIKER: “The loudest this place has been was when they showed Jessica Alba on the jumbotron.”
Weak, Clipper fans. Really weak. Like, THIS is how weak you are.
9:18 - Rudy hits a three to end the quarter. Beautiful pass by Pryz.
STRIKER MUSES: “Great play by Rudy. He’s a basketball player.”
Right you are, Ken. 77-73, Blaze.
Fourth Quarter
9:19 – STRIKER COMMANDS: “I have good vibes about this fourth quarter. Striker says make it so.”
Travis seems to have heard him. He has seven points in two minutes so far. 85-73, Blaze.
9:26 – Aflac answer: Mike Shuler. Huh. Would not have guessed that. Actually, I didn’t guess that. You guys need a new basketball expert. I’m terrible.
STRIKER LIES: “Mike, for the last time, you are NOT a basketball expert. I bet you a bag of peanuts Mike Barrett just said ‘it’s Brandon Roy time.’”
Well, well. It would seem that Ol’ Joe now owes the EXPERT a bag of peanuts.
9:34 – We’re on a 15-3 run through the first six minutes.
9:38 – STRIKER SUPERIORITY COMPLEX: “And the Clipper fans head to the exits. Disgraceful.”
As I mentioned previously: weak, Clipper fans. Weak.
9:43 – Rudy attempts to use his Spanish charm to woo Violet Palmer into changing her call. Violet does not appears to be phased. How strange. I wonder if Rudy will blog about this later.
9:44 – Novak misses the FT to screw up a four-point play. Lucky.
9:46 – Rudy slams the door shut with a steal and behind-the-back dish to Travis for the jam plus the foul. The Jell-O’s gigglin’, maniacs.
STRIKER CONFRONTATION: “Annoying teenage Clips fan: ‘Greg Oden only plays garbage minutes.’ Me: ‘You’re losing by 17 points.’ Then Greg had a huge dunk and a huge block.”
Victory strikes again for the Bad Dudes.
Blade and Striker take no prisoners.Final Score
Blazers: 113
Clippers: 88
Post-Game Thoughts
- Brandon had 33 for the game, and Travis had 16 in the fourth quarter. This helped us win.
- Brandon’s dunk will forever be stamped into my cortex. I will wake up every day for two weeks with a smile on my face because of that moment. As God as my witness, I WILL own that poster the second it is printed.
- I hope Stevesie is OK.
- Sergio is really coming into his own. So much so that I’ve decided to drop Blake and pick him up in my fantasy league. I have a bad feeling about Steve’s shoulder re-injury tonight. We’ll see if this pays off.
- We’re playing the Charlotte Hornets tomorrow, apparently. CSN, fire your graphics designer. Seriously.
I’ll end on one last thought from Joe.
STRIKER CONCLUSION: “Assholes at Staples Center won’t let me get down to get my jersey signed. I had a small conniption.”
I figure Joe’s about eight beers deep at this point, so the likelihood he actually got into a scrap with the usher is probably a coin flip. More on this as it develops.
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