Running Diary - Blazers at Bobcats

11/17/08
4:09 PM, PST

Pre-game Thoughts

I don’t have too many tonight, maniacs. See, I sort of got a late start today. I was…uh…saving some kittens from…uh…

OK, fine. So I was sleeping. Big freaking deal. Like you’ve never slept until 4 PM before. You guys are always so judgmental – always naysaying. How about you take a long look in the mirror before you start judging a sports comedy genius for what time he decides to get out of bed, huh? You make me sick.

Just kidding. You know I love you guys. You just make me so crazy sometimes, you know?

On an unrelated note, I’d like to voice the opinion of countless viewers and say that Rebecca Haarlow looks DAYYYUMMMM fine in that purple turtleneck. I’m literally making googly eyes at my TV screen.

OK, time for tip-off! We’ve pretty much played like garbage during this road trip so far, so I think it’s important that we gather some momentum before we head back home. Let’s do this thang.

Interesting. It seems that the Bobcats dancers have decided to perform a routine right before the tip, trapping the nascent basketball game in a purgatory of sorts, similar to General Zod’s imprisonment in the Phantom Zone. Hmmm. This looks like a job for a crotchety, old referee. Luckily, we just happen to have the oldest, crotchetiest referee on the face of the planet calling this game.

JOEY CRAWFORD IS A MAN. I’m serious. He is a MAN, and he is FORTY. Did you guys see that?! He just screamed at those poor cheerleaders and told the multimedia guy at the scorer’s table to turn that music down!! I pity the fool who unknowingly stumbles upon Joey Crawford’s lawn or refuses to accept his expired coupon.

First Quarter

4:11 – LaMarcus hits from 15 to start the game. Usually, this is good news for us.

4:12 – Ridiculous foul called on LMA against Okafor, and the basket counts. I swear to God, Joey. You’re terrible. You’re terrible at your job. You’re like one step away from Bennett Salvatore.

4:13 – Okafor posterizes Greg, and the 17 fans in attendance go absolutely APE*$@#. Pro basketball is huge in the Carolinas, if you hadn’t noticed.

4:16 – Uh oh. Here comes B-Rex. I can’t say for certain, but I imagine he’s going to do something along these lines.

4:18 – Bayless forgets that you only get eight seconds instead of 10 to get the ball across half court in the NBA, and nobody else on the floor runs back to the ball to help him out. No matter. Bayless’ blood reign of terror will begin soon enough.

4:21 – Whoa, check out Monty’s jacket over there on the bench. As the owner of several fine sport coats myself, I feel qualified to state conclusively that mustard is definitely Monty’s color. Bet that went over well with Nate at the coaches’ meeting.

30 minutes before tipoff:

Monty: Hey, coach. So I went over those specific game situations with Bayless like you told me. He seems to really be picking it up quick, you know? I can’t wait to see hi–

Nate: What the $#@* is this?

Monty: What, the…the jacket? You…don’t like it?

Nate: Get the *#%$ out of my sight. You look like the carpet in a whorehouse.

Monty: But Nate, I just –

Nate: NOW.

Monty slowly slinks out of the room, fighting back tears.

4:30 – All right, boys and girls – it’s Aflac time! When was the last time we had two all-stars on our team simultaneously? Could be Sheed and…Steve Smith? Damon? Nah, I’m going with my gut. Clyde and Terry in…’93, let’s say.

4:31 – Gerald Wallace goes coast to coast for an easy slam. Nate looks like he’s pretty happy with our start, here.

4:32 – As Wallace stands at the free throw line, I can’t help but notice his, um, oral…fixation, let’s say, with his mouthpiece. Ewwww.

4:33 – Juwan Howard hits an eight-footer over Greg. Wow, and here all this time I thought that Juwan Howard had been dead for like, six years. Bummer.

4:34 – ADAM MORRISON ALERT!!! All right, OK, fine. You got me. I wanted to draft the Stache. So what. Sue me. I’m a gangly, slow white guy with a decent set shot. We look after our own. 24-18, Charlotte.

Second Quarter

4:35 – God, we’ve had absolutely terrible starts during this road trip. Frustrating.

4:41 – LaMarcus is playing hard tonight. He’s really been stepping it up both offensively and defensively. Those long limbs are being put to good use – either through that high release on the fadeaway or by sneaking into passing lanes and breaking up entry passes. He’s playing more physical as well. All of this bodes well for both tonight and the future. I wish you could see the smile on my face right now. I know we’re down six and playing like garbage, but thinking about LaMarcus, I’m grinning like a retard with an all-day sucker.

4:43 – My favorite part of the Angry Whopper commercial? HALAPAINYAS!! On a related note, my buddy who loves Kobe (for future reference, I will refer to him as “Mambasucker T”) claims that the Angry Whopper, while tasty, is not actually all that spicy. But then again, neither was the Volcano Taco. Or the Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Or straight EFFING Tabasco sauce.

Mambasucker T: terrible sports fan, tremendous tolerance for both heat hot and spice hot.

4:44 – Mike Rice notices the Stache is guarding Brandon and immediately blurts out his unique and insightful belief that Brandon can score against Morrison. Of course Brandon can score on him!! My seven year-old niece could score on the Stache! Morrison’s on-ball D makes Larry Bird look like Scottie Pippen! I love Rice, but he must think we are all so incredibly stupid.

4:50 – Things I’ve noticed in the last 15 minutes:

- Greg’s footwork is getting better.

- LaMarcus is going to become a top-20 player in the next three years. On a related note, I was just wondering, is there anyway we can sort of “trade back” with Chicago? I think Tyrus Thomas would fit really well into our syst – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA.

- Bayless’ athleticism reminds me of a young Steve Francis or Stephon Marbury. JUST the athleticism, OK? Fact is, he’s a specimen, and if his court vision and basketball IQ develop along with his outside shot, he’s going to be a nightmare for defenders.

- Our team defense sucks tonight. Pitiful. Disgusting. Indefensible.

- We have forgotten how to make free throws. And as we’ve all been taught from an early age: You’ve got. To make. Your free throws.

5:05 - Brandon just scored his first FG, and it’s almost halftime. Somehow, we’re up by two points. Maybe they’re giving us extra ones tonight. You know, just for funsies.

5:07 – While in the kitchen procuring a vanilla pudding, I hear the words “Kobe stopper” come out of my roommate’s incredibly nice television. Whipping around, I knock my pudding to the floor and nearly lacerate my skull on an open cabinet door (Thanks, Scott) before hastily removing my cellular phone from my front pocket. In the midst of an uncontrollable seizure of excitement, I locate “Striker” in my address book and push the green button. Joe quickly cuts me off and explains calmly that Mike Rice was simply talking about Raja Bell and not plugging our crappy little blog. Suddenly I’m cold all over, and my eyes are moist with the tears of a thousand sorrows.

5:08 – We end the half by turning a four-point lead into a five-point deficit. Fantastic.

Halftime Notes

- LMA needs to be this aggressive every single night. You’re stronger than you think, big man. Attack your opponent.

- Charlotte ended the quarter on an 11-2 run. Unacceptable, but don’t get too upset. These types of ballgame giveaways have been getting less frequent over the last couple of seasons and that trend will continue. Trust me. Your patience will be rewarded.

- Note to Greg: study how Pryz plays D around the rim. Watch how he affects drivers and cutters without picking up fouls. Just keep watching and learning, Greg. Soon, you’ll realize it’s not all up to you, which reminds me…

- Our team defense is making me want to jump off a tall building. I know I already touched on this, but more needs to be said. We can’t just rely on Greg to defend the basket. It’s got to be one-on-five every time somebody penetrates.

- Note to self: steal Jeff Goldblum’s teleportation pods and use them to merge the DNA of Blake, Sergio and Bayless into one unstoppable BrundleGuard.

- Raja Bell or no, Brandon needs to step it up. If you’re not getting the calls inside, then shoot that jumper. It’ll start falling. Your stroke is too good for it not to. When it does, Raja will clamp down on you. Then the fun part comes. Go by him and dunk on Okafor’s face.

- Just before the third quarter starts, an incredulous Tony tells us that the Blazers are 7-15 from the line. As the crappy CSN graphic devours the studio, we can still hear him complaining about the lack of free throw consistency and paying homage to Schonz. We break for commercial, but not before Tony gets in one last “They’re FREE!!!!”

Third Quarter

5:25 – Brandon hits a J in Bell’s grill. That’s what I’m talking about.

5:27 – Oden and LMA crash the boards for two consecutive offensive rebounds before LaMarcus lays one in. Nate must give great halftime speeches.

5:28 – Mike Rice pronounces Okafor’s first name “Uh-Meeka.” I love it. 54-49, Cats.

5:29 – Brandon is 1-4 from the line. He looks tired and beat up from this trip.

5:32 – Good news, everyone. It appears that Jerryd can get to the rack whenever he pleases. We’re all tied up at 60.

5:34 – I’ve decided that Charlotte’s floor announcer is my least favorite in the NBA, narrowly edging out 16-time world heavyweight champion and biggest blowhard of all time, Ric Flair. Congratulations, ass.

5:38 – Well, now Brandon’s doing everything and I feel bad for chastising his disappearing act in the first half. Regardless, it shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing arrangement. We need to find our balance. The only problem is, it's much easier said than done. Make no mistake - this process is a tortuous one, filled with countless ass-beatings and overprotective mothers. But if you survive, you will be rewarded with the greatest gift in all the cosmos: a super-hot makeout sesh at Golf ’N Stuff with Elizabeth Shue in her prime.

5:48 – We look like 10 individuals out there instead of a team. Can somebody make a call to Gene Hackman and see if he’ll sign on as an assistant? And no, Dennis Hopper may not come with.

5:49 – It would seem that Greg has named his dog Charles Barkley McLovin’. Um…moving on.

Fourth Quarter

5:50 – We’re tied at 67 to start the quarter, and in a bizarro-worthy turn of events, Rudy dishes to Sergio for an easy two.

5:52 – Wallace has 25 points. He’s driving to the rack at will, and that mouthpiece is just all OVER the place.

5:57 – Aflac answer: Clyde and Cliff in ’94. You remember, before we totally dismantled the team that was more beloved in Portland than the Christ himself? But I digress…

6:02 – Wallace posterizes Greg for the second time tonight, this one coming on the business end of a one-handed alley-oop. That’s bad for us.

6:04 – Greg picks up his sixth foul and the jerk at the scorer’s table plays “Hit the Road, Jack.” The biggest d-bag I’ve ever seen stands up and waves goodbye to Greg from the first row. Oh MAN, this kid is a douche. I wish you guys could see hi – OH MY GOD I FOUND THIS IDIOT ON YOUTUBE.

By my count, he had FOUR Okafor jerseys in that room – two on the table, one on the wall, and one on that pasty, Carolinian torso. Who has four jerseys of the same player? Nobody, that’s who. If you want a home and an away, that’s fine, but the fact is he borrowed at least two of those from somebody else. What a phony. It’s too bad he isn’t wearing the giant gold chain he had on at the game. That’s really the turd cherry on the #@$* sundae.

6:11 – It’s 84-81, Bobbies with 3:20 to go, and you could hear a pin drop in that building. To whom it may concern: the South doesn’t give a crap about pro sports that don’t involve turning left 500 times. Stop giving these people franchises.

6:23 – After a nice sequence of Blazer possessions to sneak back into the game, it’s tied at 88 with 25 seconds left. Out of a timeout, Raymond Felton banks in a 12-footer from straight on, giving Charlotte the lead with 15 seconds left. Note to self: find out which God Felton prays to and immediately CONVERT TO THAT GOD.

6:24 – Brandon tips in his own miss to tie the game again. On the ensuing Charlotte possession, Bayless busts out some sick nasty on-ball D, but Okafor nearly tips in the missed jumper. Good Lord, I’m out of breath. Just give me a second to sit down and catch my breath here.

Overtime

Outside of a sweet drive and lefty finish by Brandon, we looked like garbage during OT. The offense was stagnant, and our interior defense was hideous. We didn’t deserve to win this game, and sure enough, we didn’t. This wasn’t as bad as the Philly fiasco, but it was one of our poorer performances all year. We’re better than the freaking Bobcats, OK?

Oh, I almost forgot. Did anybody else hear Mike Rice literally WHINNY after Brandon missed a shot that’s usually money? I swear to God, I hope that man lives 1,000 years, because I cannot imagine not having him around. He’s gold. Solid gold.