Joe pointed this out to me today. I thought you might like to know that Bill Simmons' dog died.Oh, what's that? You don't care? Wow. Imagine that. Here you were, looking for a sports column, and instead you ended up with a great big heaping pile of sentimental memories. How disappointed you must be.
Here's an excerpt of my IM conversation with Joe during which he sent me the link to the article in question. As you can tell, Joe was a little...um...animated, let's say.
Striker: we should make a quick note
Striker: about how bill simmons has written quite possibly the least-relevant article ever posted on espn
Blade: really?
Blade: what'd he write about?
Striker: his dog died
Blade: oh no
Striker: and he wrote an incredibly long rambling article about it
Striker: which they link to off of the front page
Striker: i mean
Striker: come ON
Striker: yes, thats sad
Striker: fine
Striker: whatever
Blade: i swear to god, simmons has the greatest job in the entire world
Blade: better than the president. better than King of Persia.
Striker: im not going to read a f---ing 2500 article on your f---ing dog that i have no attachment to and have never heard a single thing about in my life
Striker: jesus christ
Blade: carte blanche, dude
Striker: f--- espn for posting that garbage
Blade: he can do whatever he wants
Blade: with no consequences
Blade: none
Striker: f--- him for being so goddamn high and mighty that he thinks everyone else gives a f---
Striker: well yes he CAN do whatever he wants
Striker: we can write whatever we want on our blog
Blade: right
Striker: but we wouldnt do it
Blade: no
Striker: because it would be f---ing retarded
Blade: preach it
Striker: anyway
Striker: thats my rant
Striker: he can have whatever ridiculous opinions he wants, about whatever sports he wants
Striker: but for gods sake
Striker: WRITE ABOUT SPORTS
Look, as a former regular reader of the Sports Guy, I have to give him his due. His informal, stream-of-consciousness style of writing was fun to read and gave me something to aspire to as an 18-year old sports fan and writer. I imagine it's pretty clear to all fifteen people who read my stuff that my writing style is basically a cheap Sports Guy knockoff, which I'm fine with. Simmons is funny, and a ton of people read his stuff.
We may not always agree with his opinions, and we may think that often times he writes with about as much humility as Judge Smails plays golf, but all that would be forgivable if he would just go with what brought him to the dance.
Is it sad his dog died? Absolutely. That sucks. Bill, If you need to take some time off and write something in order to deal with your loss, we totally understand.
But I don't want to read about it on ESPN.
I know you're not a journalist, and I'm not saying you should be. Actually, I can't think of anything I'd rather be less than a journalist right now. But you ARE a sports writer for America's biggest sports media outlet, and it seems like you've been forgetting that fact more and more frequently.
It's fine if you don't want to write straight sports. Mixing personal anecdotes and pop culture references into the body of a column provides color and is hands down more entertaining to read than a stat sheet. Or, if you want to get more serious and write about life and death, that's OK, too. The piece you wrote about Jas Shaw's death was excellent. Outside of the 800 words you spent recapping the plot of "The Wire," I mean.
Bill, the bottom line is this: I'm afraid after reading that column that I can no longer halfheartedly defend you. Like my quasi-allegiance to the Kansas City Chiefs for no reason other than Joe Montana being traded from my beloved Niners, so too must my sometime loyalty to Bill Simmons die painfully in the fires of sports hell.
Am I just as bad for devoting an entire post to why I'm upset with Bill Simmons, even though he has no idea who I am? Actually, I think that makes me worse. Ah, screw it. So, I'm a hypocrite. That's not such a bad thing to be, right? And this list is going to be so much fun.
Here are the top five things we're tired of Bill Simmons writing about instead of sports:
5) House, The Guy Who Knows Things, and "that one time in Vegas..."
I don't care about the text that House just sent you, Bill. I really don't. But you know what I care about even less? That incredible run you had at the blackjack tables at 4 AM that one time. Write about sports.
4) That cute thing that his daughter did - aka "How can I reconcile my love for my little girl with my hatred for the WNBA."
I'm sure your daughter is lovely, Bill. We get it. You're a dad. Things are changing for you. We all hate the WNBA. Write about sports.
3) His dog, now, apparently.
For the love of God, write about sports.
2) "You guys know I totally worked on Jimmy Kimmel Live, right? It was pretty much the coolest thing in the ENTIRE WORLD."
Blah, blah, blah. Cousin Sal. Adam Corolla. Blah blah. Matthew McConaughey.
Write about sports.
1) The Sports Gal
We have our own wives and girlfriends, Bill. Well, not me, because I'm a huge loser...but a lot of your readers have their own wives and girlfriends, Bill. They understand the difference between men and women. They read sports in order to ESCAPE the nagging and the US Weekly and the Dr. Phil, not to read about how you're suffering through all that during your personal adventure in marriage.
Write...well, you know.
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