Joe Knows

Hola, amigos, and welcome back to another edition of Joe Knows. We have a slate of things to discuss today, so let's get started with:


1) Mike Rice is amazing and I love him.








During last night's game against the Bobcats, the Ol' Rice Paddy pulled out this gem in the first quarter:

Mike Barrett: "That's Adam Morrison's second foul and he'll be headed to the bench."

Mike Rice: "And that's bad news for the Blazers. If you're a Blazer, you want Adam Morrison out there on the court."

Harsh. If the fans in the Rose Garden could hear him, I like to think they would have started a slow clap for him as this statement sunk in. Also, I almost feel bad for pointing this out because I'm afraid some narc might change it, but Mikey's wikipedia page features this tidbit added by someone very, very wise:

"Rice is known as a red-faced and jolly family man, who enjoys drinking Bombay Sapphire tonics and really any gin and tonic for that matter or whiskey regardless of label, during halftime breaks or in between full time-outs."

I knew it! In my dreams Mike Rice always smells like Christmas trees...um...



2) Midseason Awards

Yes, yes, I know you're tired of reading every moron's opinion on who is the MVP, ROY, COY, etc etc. That's why here at Kobestoppers we're doing it a little differently.

MVP (Most Vicious Punking):



You know we're a bit biased here, this just happened on Monday, we already discussed it heavily, and it's Cheikh Samb, but still. Nasty.

Honorable mention: D-Wade over Okafor,
Lebron over Deng



ROY (Rabidly Overhyped of the Year)


Maybe I just hate JR Smith, but between his cocky-ass attitude, his horribly disgusting 'stache, and the huge amount of "Most Improved Player" hype surrounding him at the beginning of the year, I have been wildly unimpressed by this volume shooter's play this season.

Also, JR, it's called "defense." It's a concept wherein, in addition attempting to score the basketball yourself (called "offense," but you know that) you attempt to prevent the other team from scoring. It's sweeping the league.

Honorable mention: Ron Artest, The entire Clippers roster


COY (Creeper of the Year):


Eddy Curry.

The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky "in the nude," allegedly telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."

Enough said.

Honorable Mention: No one is even close.



DPOY (Douchebag Pompous-ass of the Year):

Yes, Kevin, we're talking about you. Stop sneering at us and listen for a seco...ok, get up off the ground and stop barking like a jackass, you're emba...uh...did you just spit on me?

No one has been a bigger D-bag this season than Kevin "The Big Ticket" Garnett. Whether he was pounding his chest and sneering at other players, getting down on all fours and barking like a dog at a rookie point guard, or screaming obscenities at fans at other arenas, Garnett's unique swagger, energy, and enthusiasm has been replaced by bigotry, pompousness, and flat-out disrespect. Boo.

Honorable mention: Kobe Bryant Mamba, Olowakandrew Vagynum, Lebron James, Stephon Marbury, Darius Miles


3) Are the Blazers going to make a trade?

The trade deadline is rapidly approaching and there has been rampant speculation as to what kind of tricks KP and the Blazers have up their sleeves. Let's take a look at some players that Kobestopper Joe thinks Portland might be interested in using RLEC on:

Gerald Wallace

Honestly, a week ago, this was my guy. Wallace is an incredibly high-energy player on both ends of floor, capable of getting to the rim, hitting the three, and soaring for great blocks and rebounds. Needless to say, he'd be an upgrade over Travis Outlaw.

That said, after Olowakandrew Vagynum collapsed Crash's lung, I'm not sure GW is a viable trade option for the Blazers anymore. Not that he won't come back 100%, but more that we are looking for a short-term veteran player to help us build for the next year or two, and this injury may cut into his usefulness.

Richard Jefferson

RJ has evolved from a highly-athletic, dunking, Kenyon Martin-type player (they played together in New Jersey, if you'll recall) into an all-around player who can shoot and play solid defense. His biggest downside? Rebounding, as he's only averaging 4.8 boards on the season.

After the loss of Redd for the season, the Bucks may be looking to snatch up an expiring contract and wait for 2010. I have no doubt that RJ would love to get off the Bucks and onto a developing, playoff-caliber team. The question is, how well will he produce when he is the third or fourth or even fifth option on the team?

Kirk Hinrich

I love Hinrich for this team. His defensive intensity is far greater than Blake or Sergio, and we would likely package one of these two with RLEC if we were to make a move for him. Also, Chicago is firmly entrenched in the beginning of the Derrick Rose era, so it's not like they're holding out on Hinrich as their point guard of the future.

Hinrich has had a little difficulty shooting and scoring since his outburst (45% from the field) in the 06-07 season. That said, we know he can shoot the ball and I think he would benefit massively from a player like Brandon Roy alongside him.


Afraid no one wants to trade with us after the Miles debacle? Check this out (Yes, Henry Abbott plays Settlers of Cataan. Yes, that is cool).



4) Some love for Nate Robinson

I was watching the Knicks-Hawks game last night (in which Nate Robinson went off for 20 fourth-quarter points) and noticed that Nate the Great give a nice salute to the crowd. A Knick-fan friend of mine passed along this tidbit:

Best story of the night: Anybody remember seeing Nate Robinson go to the free throw line on Friday night and salute the crowd? Turns out he'd been playing Call of Duty online and was telling people that he plays for the Knicks. When this was met with disbelief, he vowed to give a salute at the free throw line in his next game to prove his identity to everybody. Sure enough, any COD players watching the Knicks face the Grizzlies got a salute from their teammate. Somehow, that story is all you need to understand Nate Robinson's persona..

Yup, that's right folks, Nate Robinson is an avid Call of Duty player. I was embarrassingly excited when I heard of him potentially coming to the Blazers a few weeks ago. He doesn't play much defense, LOVES to shoot the ball, and isn't a real point guard (not to mention that he is approximately the size of a Smurf), but he salutes his CoD-playing friends at the free throw line. Oh, and he throws down nasty alley-oops.



OK, that's enough Nate-Rob love for today...Man three days off is a long time.

PS: Kirilenko having surgery, out another month. Have I mentioned I hate the Jazz?

PPS: Is it just me, or do the Suns play the Spurs eight times a season?

Quick Update: Rudy Responds!

Loyal readers (yeah, don't think I haven't noticed all you Johnny-come-lately's around here. I'll deal with you in good time...) will recall a certain post I made a few days ago regarding possible dunks for Rudy to perform in the contest.

I'm happy to inform you that upon my request, Rudy has taken a break from his busy playing schedule to review my suggestions and express his opinions (in English) to the Kobestoppers audience. So, without further ado, I give you Rudy "Vote Me" Fernandez:

The secrecies are shrouding my dunking prototypes. This is of necessity. But I have read your thought on the matter with interest.

5.) “Over the Rainbow”: I know that Portland has the greatest interest in hybrid vehicles. If I were to perform a hybrid of soccer and basketball, it would be a homage to this greeniness.

4.) “Star Trek VI”: Merely by thinking about this, I have thrown my real back out in the hypothetical attempting.

3.) “The Heart Throb”: I am concerned at the specificity of this suggestion. I am especially concerned about the chest-writing. I am most uncomfortable.

2.) “El Matador”: There is a fashion in which the motif of the bull-fighting might be corralled into a dunk. This is not it.

1.) “Cosas Buenas”: This has much in the ways of possibility. The phrase “Spanish condor” is a selling point. I am in the consideration mode!

To read more of El Mago's thoughts on dunking, Violet Palmer, and of course, his best bud Sergio, visit El Blog de Rudy.

Quick Update: Kobe Stopped

I had the esteemed pleasure of watching last night's matchup between the LA Kobe and the Charlotte Bobcats. I could tell from watching the first period that this was going to be a close game: the Bobcats were hustling on both ends and the Kobe was not matching that energy.

The game was really getting interesting when the flagrantly douchebaggish Andrew Bynum elbowed Gerald Wallace in the ribs on a drive with 2:08 in the fourth, resulting in a flagrant foul.













Not only did this lead to Gerald Wallace in extreme pain on the ground (current speculation includes broken/bruised ribs and even potentially a collapsed lung), but it led to the following conversation between the Bad Dudes:

Striker (10:08:47 AM): we really need to come up with a derogatory nickname for andrew bynum
Blade (10:09:29 AM): Gynum
Blade (10:09:35 AM): VaGynum
Striker (10:09:37 AM): Vagynum?
Striker (10:09:38 AM): yes
Striker (10:09:40 AM): thats it
Blade (10:09:40 AM): nice

Blade (10:09:41 AM): NICE

...and that's how legends are made.

Anyway, the Bobcats did their best to choke away their late lead by missing seven consecutive free throws at one point to allow the LA Kobe to force overtime. Unfortunately for the Kobe, Mamba fouled out in the first overtime:

I can't foul out! You fouled out! You can't call a technical on me...I'll call a technical on you!

So entering the second overtime, the best player on each team was out of the game. That's like the two football jumpball teams from Starship Troopers playing without Rico and Zander!

God the future is awesome. Wait, it's already here...

In overtime #2, the Bobcats managed to accidentally make some free throws, allowing them to hold on against the LA Kobe's fearsome overtime line-up of Fisher-Farmar-Vujacic-Odom-Vagynum. Ugh.

How fitting that the Blazers have to clean up the LA Kobe's east coast slop yet again. Revenge is on our minds, I'm sure.

Joe Knows: Assault with a Leather Weapon Edition

I'd prefer it if you didn't get in my way... Your loss.

Sweet sassy molassey.

Kobestopper Mike and I have been kicking around an idea for a post which showcases Brandon's "sneaky athleticism." It has become apparent to us that, not only is Roy's athleticism underrated (in the 2006 NBA draft combine, Brandon's vertical was 40.5", here are other NBA players for comparison), but he is sneakily explosive and will unexpectedly unleash something tremendous when given the opportunity. According to these people who probably have no credibility, Kobe's vertical is a mere 38". Suck it, Mamba.

Needless to say, we will no longer be worried about writing this piece. Anyone who reads this blog that still questions Brandon's athleticism is officially dubbed a Mambasucker, the lowest of the low.

An open letter to Cheikh Samb:

Dear Mr. Samb,

The Portland Trail Blazers would like to thank you for your contribution to the franchise's 2008-2009 NBA season. Your courage in the face of extreme adversity has resulted in a wonderful video clip and one of our best-selling posters of all time. In honor of your sacrifice, and on behalf of the entire Blazers organization, we would like to present you with this Brandon Roy-autographed poster of yourself.

Sincerely,

Larry Miller, Kevin Pritchard, and Paul Allen

PS: If you are interested in being an obstacle for the dunk contest, please respond to this email and we would be happy introduce you to Rudy Fernandez.

This was quite possibly the dunk of the year so far.



Sidenote:

I was at the game last night and with about 3 minutes left Clippers fans were leaving the stadium in full force. I thought I might try to get down by the tunnel so I could get an autograph or even just a high five. As I tried to make my way down there, I was stopped by a woman who takes tickets and told I couldn’t go down there.

I said, “But everyone is leaving, there’s no one down there. I’m just trying to see if I can say hey to any of the players.” She adamantly refused.

I then turned around to find an angry Staples Center manager or something giving me the stink-eye. I pleaded my case with him as well but he was quite rude, simply saying “you can either go back to your seat or you can leave.”

I guess the point is: is this typical of NBA arenas? I’ve been to the Rose Garden a couple times but never with decent enough seats to try to make my way down near the court. Besides, at the RG fans actually stay to the end of the game, so its not like its wide open.

I mean, I’m sorry, but I thought this was America?! Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it was America.

Blah blah blah security and all that, but c’mon. It's a spectator sport.

Running Diary - Blazers at Clippers

1/26/09
7:19, PST

No time to waste, maniacs. Settle into your seats and grab your favorite brand of cheese-flavored aerosol paste, because Ol’ Mike’s got a buttload of pre-game observations for you:

7:20 – Let it be known: Kobestopper Joe is actually at this game, braving the City of Angels while wearing nothing but his LaMarcus jersey, all for the good of this site. OK, so he’s probably wearing some green pants, too. Whatever. Joe has promised to send me texts during the game, and I will keep you abreast of his courtside observations through the use of the STRIKER UPDATE mechanism.

7:21 - We need to blow these guys off the floor. They’re bad at their jobs.

Random Note: Check this out – yet another amusing Google search somehow landed a would-be Monty McCutchen assassin to our little corner of cyberspace.

7:22 - Stevsie is back in the starting lineup for the game tonight, unbeknownst to Mike Rice. A smirking Mike Barrett arrogantly questions Rice’s choice of Sergio as tonight’s X-Factor, postulating that Rice’s choice might have been different had the coach known of Blakey’s return. Luckily for Barrett’s nearly-orphaned children, Rice quells the hellish rage within his eyes and decides not to swallow his broadcast partner whole.

7:26 - CSN flashes a graphic titled “Let Me Assist You” while Michael and Tony talk about Sergio’s increased playing time and his 10.9 dimes per 48 minutes. Really, Comcast? That’s the best you got? Let me assist you? The correct title for that graphic was clearly “Assister Act.” You know it. I know it. The American people know it.

7:27 - Party Works still sucks.

7:28 - Greg and LaMarcus are super white-hot fire right now. Let’s give them the ball.

7:32 - Michael Holton pulls a General Zod and DEFIES his floor director, who is undoubtedly making the universal “wrap it up” sign. Holton calmly ignores the headset-wearing peon standing beside camera three and proceeds to talk at light speed for 20 seconds, finishing his rant about scouting reports and player tendencies with a satisfied half-smile. You guys remember when Tony Dungy sent the punt unit out on the field for a fourth-and-short, and Peyton Manning emasculated Dungy in front of the entire world by sending the punt unit BACK OFF the field? That’s what Holton just did to his floor director.

Michael Holton: Player of Basketball, Speaker of Words, Crusher of Souls.

7:34 – A BAD ASS hype video set to AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” is totally ruined by the Blazer theme performed by some band called Western Ariel. Why, God?

7:35 - On a scale of one to ten, with one being Alec Baldwin and ten being Jan Brady, how jealous do you think the Clipper Girls are of the Laker Girls? Eight? Nine?

7:37 - Mike Rice points out that Mike Dunleavy won Coach of the Year as Blazers coach during the ’99-’00 season. He neglects to mention that Dunleavy also won the coveted “Reddest, Puffiest Face of the Year” and “Worst Hair of the Year” awards that season and every season thereafter.

First Quarter

7:40 – STRIKER UPDATE: “I can’t believe Fred Jones is starting for the Clippers.”

Me either, buddy. Um…go Ducks?

7:41 – Brandon hits from 12 to start. Freddy answers right back with a three-pointer as if to say, “F--- you, Striker.”

7:44 – Steve looks like a bionic commando with that shoulder pad on.

7:47 – Brian Skinner, having apparently recovered from his flu, accidentally runs into Brandon and is whistled for the foul. After the collision, we’re treated to this exchange:

Barrett: …And Brian Skinner is called for the foul on Roy.
Rice: …mmm…yeah…mm…
Barrett: Well, I don’t think he meant anything by it…
Rice: I dunno…Anybody with gold at the bottom of their beard…I dunno.
Barrett: …We…uh…apologize…

7:48 – STRIKER UPDATE: “AWESOME Clips fan behind me: ‘gotta watch out for Brandon Roy, he’s gonna hit ’em allll day loooooonng on us.’”

7:53 – Greg is catching the ball with excellent position down low. When he’s that deep, it’s all over for the defense. Excellent back-to-back defensive possessions for us just now. That might be a first.

7:55 – STRIKER UPDATE: “An ALIEN just wandered on the court wearing a Blazer jersey.”

Lookin' good, Travis.

7:58 – Aflac time! Is it me, or are these questions getting easier and easier to understand? Two Blazer coaches have won Coach of the Year. Who are they? Well, as Rice pointed out in the pre-game, Dunleavy is one. The other could be Ramsay in ’76-’77. Or, it could be Adelman in ’91-’92. That team won, like, 68 games or something. I’m going with Adelman.

7:59 – Freddy’s really earning that 10-day contract. He’s 3-3 from three-point range with 11 points total. STRIKER UPDATE: “Fred Jones is killing us.”

No s---, green pants. 22-21, Clips.

Second Quarter

8:05 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Mmmm…ultimate nachos.”

It’s always food with him. Even when we were fighting f---ing ninjas in the f---ing White House, Joe had a corn dog in one hand the entire time. Unbelievable.

8:09 – There’s a quick shot of Paul Allen sitting with old friend Dan Akroyd. The former Elwood Blues appears to be sporting some rather large sunglasses, assumedly to avoid the riot that would break out when the 34 fans at the game noticed he was in attendance. You know, because he’s still REALLY famous and everything.

Three to one says less than 10 percent of the fans in attendance under the age of 30 could pick Dan Akroyd out of a lineup. Luckily, I would be among those in “the know.” I wonder if he’d sign my copy of “The Great Outdoors?”

8:11 – Oh my GOD. Rudy. Hook pass. No looking. Alley-oop Slamfest. LaMarcus.

I hope Joe brought a change of drawers after that one. Tied at 31.

8:22 – Blakey gets drilled by a Skinner pick and has to leave the game. Maybe Mike Rice was right about not trusting dudes with dyed beards…

Also, Greg absolutely MUST communicate to Steve on that pick. Let him know it’s coming, big man!

8:24 – I’M OLD GREGGGG!!!

8:29 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Oh, God. So many jalapenos. Also, how are they getting offensive boards over us?”

I have no idea, buddy. Hey! Jessica Alba!

Go get her, Joe. Remember your training.

8:31 – Brandon has 20 after back-to-back threes. Scratch that, 22. STRIKER UPDATE: “Has Roy missed? Eric Gordon is going to be a good player.”

No, he has not missed, and yes, E-Gord is going to be good. In my opinion, he looks like a young A.I. at times. 49-48, Blaze.

STRIKER’S HALFTIME THOUGHT-STRAVAGANZA:

- B-Roy is God.
- Let’s keep pounding it in to Greg
- We need to box the f--- out.
- Indians are dancing to Lil’ Wayne at halftime
- RLEC for Fred Jones? Hahahaha.
- Also, we just got called “the rowdy row” by some bitch that works at Staples.

Always the class act, Joe. To that, I will add:

- The defense needs to pick it up. Come on fellas, defend the pick and roll like you’re adults, huh?
- Nic, you need to stick to Gordon like glue. He is their only hope.
- Looks like Steve’s out for the second half, so Sergio and BayBay need to stay consistent.

Third Quarter

8:53 – Serge steals the ball and hits LMA on the trail for an easy jam. I like this very much.

8:54 – Ho. Lee. Sheeeeeeaaaaaaattt.

BAFFLED STRIKER UPDATE: "Holy s---, was that pass by Serge for real?"

It was indeed, Joseph. My jaw is still on the floor.

8:59 – Greg is too deep. Bad news for DeAndre Jordan. The celebration is short-lived, however, as Greg is then immediately Violet Palmer’d for his third foul.

9:02 – STRIKER UPDATE: “Little boy to cool Clips fan: ‘stop number seven.’ Cool man: ‘you can’t stop number seven.’”

9:07 – This Barq’s root beer is even frostier and tastier because I’m drinking it out of my Terry Porter Dairy Queen glass.

Mmmm. Delicious.

9:08 – Gordon throws one down in transition, but BRANDON ANSWERS RIGHT BACK!!!!!! Oh my GOD. I literally woke up the cat with that exuberant shriek I just made. Cheikh Samb, I do not know where you are from, but wherever that may be, you need to just pack up and go back home, my friend. You can’t recover from this.

Brandon dunked his f---ing headband off.

STRIKER SAYS: “Oh my God. I have never seen Brandon dunk on someone’s face like that.”

Me either, dude. I still don’t know if that actually happened. That was an MJ-style, “SIT CHO ASS DOWWWWN” jam.

9:13 - FROM THE DESK OF STRIKER: “The loudest this place has been was when they showed Jessica Alba on the jumbotron.”

Weak, Clipper fans. Really weak. Like, THIS is how weak you are.

9:18 - Rudy hits a three to end the quarter. Beautiful pass by Pryz.

STRIKER MUSES: “Great play by Rudy. He’s a basketball player.”

Right you are, Ken. 77-73, Blaze.

Fourth Quarter

9:19 – STRIKER COMMANDS: “I have good vibes about this fourth quarter. Striker says make it so.”

Travis seems to have heard him. He has seven points in two minutes so far. 85-73, Blaze.

9:26 – Aflac answer: Mike Shuler. Huh. Would not have guessed that. Actually, I didn’t guess that. You guys need a new basketball expert. I’m terrible.

STRIKER LIES: “Mike, for the last time, you are NOT a basketball expert. I bet you a bag of peanuts Mike Barrett just said ‘it’s Brandon Roy time.’”

Well, well. It would seem that Ol’ Joe now owes the EXPERT a bag of peanuts.

9:34 – We’re on a 15-3 run through the first six minutes.

9:38 – STRIKER SUPERIORITY COMPLEX: “And the Clipper fans head to the exits. Disgraceful.”

As I mentioned previously: weak, Clipper fans. Weak.

9:43 – Rudy attempts to use his Spanish charm to woo Violet Palmer into changing her call. Violet does not appears to be phased. How strange. I wonder if Rudy will blog about this later.

9:44 – Novak misses the FT to screw up a four-point play. Lucky.

9:46 – Rudy slams the door shut with a steal and behind-the-back dish to Travis for the jam plus the foul. The Jell-O’s gigglin’, maniacs.

STRIKER CONFRONTATION: “Annoying teenage Clips fan: ‘Greg Oden only plays garbage minutes.’ Me: ‘You’re losing by 17 points.’ Then Greg had a huge dunk and a huge block.”

Victory strikes again for the Bad Dudes.

Blade and Striker take no prisoners.

Final Score

Blazers: 113
Clippers: 88

Post-Game Thoughts

- Brandon had 33 for the game, and Travis had 16 in the fourth quarter. This helped us win.

- Brandon’s dunk will forever be stamped into my cortex. I will wake up every day for two weeks with a smile on my face because of that moment. As God as my witness, I WILL own that poster the second it is printed.

- I hope Stevesie is OK.

- Sergio is really coming into his own. So much so that I’ve decided to drop Blake and pick him up in my fantasy league. I have a bad feeling about Steve’s shoulder re-injury tonight. We’ll see if this pays off.

- We’re playing the Charlotte Hornets tomorrow, apparently. CSN, fire your graphics designer. Seriously.

I’ll end on one last thought from Joe.

STRIKER CONCLUSION: “Assholes at Staples Center won’t let me get down to get my jersey signed. I had a small conniption.”

I figure Joe’s about eight beers deep at this point, so the likelihood he actually got into a scrap with the usher is probably a coin flip. More on this as it develops.

Blowin' UP: Blogfest at Powell's

Big news at Kobestoppers central today: Our good friends at Blazer's Edge are hosting Free Darko blogger Bethlehem Shoals at Powell's Books in downtown Portland on Monday, February 9th at 7:30.

Who is this Bethlehem Shoals fellow, you ask? Well, only a contributing author of The Macrophenomenal Basketball Almanac, a fantastic addition to your basketball library which delves into the cerebrum of some of the most fascinating figures in the NBA (except for a few...like B-Roy, Oden, Rudy, and Ike Diogu...ok, maybe not Ike, but you can tell I have a bone to pick).

In any case, various figures in sports (and Blazers) media will be there and everyone is invited! Mike and I will be there, chatting it up and schmoozing with whoever will talk to us. We will also be happy to sign whatever tattered fast food receipts you think are worthy of our signature (bring your own pen!).

I will direct you here for further instructions.

PS: Word is that the instupituous Steve Blake may return to the lineup for tonight's game against the Clipshow. He is listed as questionable. Mike Rice can barely keep his pants on.

Links! Basketball Links!

What's crackin' maniacs? Everybody good and pumped up for tonight's game?? I know I am. Kobestopper Joe is even attending, live and in person. No, really. He's there. Right in the heart of the lion, gettin' ready to stomp those...uhh...

Wait, who are we playing again?

Ah yes. The Clips, of course. How could I forget? We need to take this game seriously.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "Mike, you're a huge loser. You're afraid of everybody we play. Just relax. The Clips are lousy. They got lucky last time."

To that, I will respond with this: First, there is no such thing as luck. The way the ball bounces is preordained by a merciless band of omnipotent, drunken space elves. Second, as I've learned from years of tutelage under both Bas Rutten and Pat Morita, it is ALWAYS a bad idea to underestimate your opponent.

Now that we're all convinced we need to play hard for 48 minutes in order to beat this talented but underachieving Clippers squad, time to move on to...oh, actually...you know what? Never mind. It seems I've made a bit of an error in judgment, here.

Allow me to present the Clips' box score for their most recent game.

So, let me get this straight.

Baron, Kaman, Z-bo and Taylor are all out, and Camby, Skinner and Collins are all day-to-day?

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008-2009 Los Angeles Clippers!!!

Seriously, how are all 18 people in the Kobe Center going to contain their laughter during the starting lineups??

"And NOOOOWWWWWWWWWW........... AT CENNTERRRRRRR........... SIIXXX FOOT ELLEVVVENNNN.... UNNNNNDRAAAFFFFTED OUT OF TEXXXXASSSS AYYY ANNNN EMMMMMM...... NUMBER NIIIIINE......... DEEEEE-AHHHNNNDRAAYYYYYYYY JOOORRRDAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!!"

God, can you even believe that? DeAndre Jordan? Really??? I feel like we should start a Frye/Shavlik/Diogu frontcourt just to make the first half interesting. Those poor bastards might as well throw Bow Wow and Frankie Muniz out there.

In honor of the impending Clipper evisceration, we're doing an ALL ZACH RANDOLPH links post today. Feel better, big guy.

Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry, couldn't keep a straight face with that one. I hope that knee f---ing disintegrates. I really do.

He's a classy guy.


We're just warming up. That's what you call a little Zach-atizer before the main course.


"Cause he's a good team player, and he's a good shooter."

Um, I don't know where you're getting your information there, Little Zack, but neither of those qualities have ever been attributed to Big Zach. By anyone. Ever.

By the way, I couldn't embed the video. Sorry to all those especially lazy readers out there.


"I don't even know what he's doing, Leo."


Hey, remember when we had to watch this kind of stuff on a nightly basis? Wasn't that fun? MAN, I miss that.


"Come own eeeen. Come own EEEEEEEEEN."


Be forewarned. This is only for the especially masochistic. Behold: a day in the life of Z-bo as documented by a website for student athletes. He's changing his image. No, really, he is. New York's going to be different. Awwww, look at him play with the kids. Isn't that sweet? Hey, why are all those photographers around? Whatever. It's for the kids, right? Yeah, totally.


Night at the Starbury


No comment.

Running Diary - Wizards at Blazers

1/25/09
6:47, PST

Pre-game thoughts

- I was able to flip on Comcast early enough to catch most of the pre-game show. I just want to take this opportunity to pat myself on the back and say, “great decision, Mike.” The package of Sergio playing a full-court game with all these elementary school kids was absolutely priceless. Somebody should tell Serge that he probably shouldn’t show off his sick handles and obvious superiority when playing against children half his height. It was eerily similar to Cosmo Kramer’s karate class. Oh well, something to work on for next time, right?

- This was an especially amusing Google search that navigated yet another inevitably unsatisfied customer to the Kobe Stop Shop. To answer your question, dear reader, I have absolutely no f---ing clue why everybody goes crazy for Brian Scalabrini.

- Don’t catch the Songaila. I hear it’s been going around.

- Thank GOD I’m finally getting to watch a game in HD around here. I was losing my freaking mind. Seriously, I felt like an animal while I was watching that standard-def garbage. It was like some wild beast was pooping on my eyeballs or something. I even stopped using utensils to eat my traditional in-game meal, because I didn’t really see the point in adhering to the simple f---ing conventions of common f---ing courtesy while right before my very eyes my f---ing intelligence was being insulted by THIS PUTRID OPTICAL ONSLAUGHT OF BLURRINESS AND SORROW.

- Joe Prunty: I like you OK, but you’re no Dean Demopoulos.

Time for some Kobestoppers’ Mini-Keys:

- Hold Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison to fewer than 40 points combined. Make them take tough shots, and don’t lose Nick Young around that three-point line, especially in the second half.

- Establish Greg down low early and often. The Wiz should have no answer for his size and growing offensive repertoire. Heck, even run the offense through him. I think we’ve reached that point, don’t you?

First Quarter

7:11 – We start the game with two ugly possessions, and we give up an uncontested lay-up. Great.

7:13 – Brandon drives though traffic and switches hands about four times, mid-air, before finally deciding, “yeah…I think I’ll use my right hand for this one. Yeah, let’s use Ol’ Righty. You know, just to mix it up.” Something tells me he’s looking to get started early and regain that 52-point form.

7:17 – Non-existent charge called on Greg. Thank you, Steve Javie! That’s EXACTLY what our young center needs! We wouldn’t want him to get TOO comfortable with his back to the basket, now would we? Mmmmmm? Mmmmmmm?

**makes Judge Smails face**

7:22 – Sexy jump hook by Greg. He’s looking sharp on offense and affecting shots on defense. Take that, Steve Javie.

7:24 – LaMarcus absolutely emasculates Jamison down low and dunks the ball like he wanted revenge on it for slapping his mama.

7:25 – LMA does the exact same thing on the next possession. Seriously, Antawn may want to go back to the locker room and get checked out by the team physician. You know, just to make sure he’s okay after those back-to-back on-court castrations.

7:27 – The Blaze are playing excellent team D. If we’d stop turning the ball over, we’d probably be up 19 instead of nine.

7:30 – Aflac time! Wilt grabbed the most boards ever against the Blaze with 31. Who is second on that list? My money (for the first time ever, incidentally) is on Kareem.

7:33 – I’m pretty sure Trav actually left the troposphere on that put-back attempt. Unfortunately, he was shoved during the play, so he missed the shot. What’s that? Hahahaha, no, no, of course there were no whistles. Why would there be? You clearly haven’t watched enough NBA basketball. Silly goose. The good news is that despite the missed bucket, Trav did register an offensive rebound. If he grabs five total tonight, Mike Rice has promised to take him out to lunch. There’s a sitcom premise if I ever saw one.

Sidenote – The new “Courtside” commercial is hilarious for multiple reasons, but I was actually quite impressed with Mike Barrett’s handles. Watching him spin that ball on his finger and rifle that left-handed chest pass, I immediately entertained the possibility that Barrett is a baller and smiled with delight at the prospect of playing with him in a pickup game. Watching Rice and Wheeler, however, I could only think of that disgusting, gluey, ice-cold porridge I was made to choke down every morning as a youngster. Yuck.

Second Quarter

7:39 – Our energy sucks to start the quarter. Looks like we’ve slipped into our well known but widely despised “well, these guys aren’t that good, so let’s just start screwing around” mode. The Wiz are on a 12-3 run.

7:43 – Greg is everywhere. He’s crashing the boards, moving his feet on defense and getting great position down low. He’s doing everything right. His energy is keeping us alive during this otherwise frustrating mental lapse. He just drew a charge against Jamison. Greg for president.

7:51 – A beautiful double team forces the Wiz to throw it away. On the break, Rudy lobs to Brandon who misses a tough finish, but the rebound is put back by Travis with a thunderous jam. What do you bet Travis was muttering “Applebees, Applebees, Applebees…” to himself as he sprinted toward the rack for that jam?

Mike Rice: master motivator.

8:03 – Well, the game has sort of deteriorated to what I would lovingly refer to as either “rat” or “jungle” ball. We’re up 36-28, but I’m having a hard time keeping track of the game due to both the sloppy play and my roommate playing “Velociraptor Safari” on his laptop right next to me. And yes, it is EXACTLY as cool as it sounds.

8:06 – Sergio fouls Caron on a three-point attempt with 4.9 seconds left in the half. How do you say “stupid” in Spanish? 39-31, Blazers.

Halftime Thoghts

- Greg is awesome.

- Antawn Jamison forgot to show up in the first half. Don’t expect him to repeat his performance for the last two quarters.

- Make some shots, and we will win this game. Seriously, we had to shoot like 15 percent in that second quarter. Make shots. Win the game. No, I don’t…I said…I SAID I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, OKAY? THE LAST THING I NEED IS THE F---ING “THERE’S MORE TO THE GAME THAN SHOOTING” SPEECH FROM F---ING HOOSIERS RIGHT NOW, OKAY??? JUST…just…make some shots, and everything will be cool. Okay, hands in.

**looks around huddle with intensity**

I love you guys. TEAM!!!

Third Quarter

8:30 – Sergio dishes to Nic, then Roy for back-to-back treys. It would appear that we’ve suddenly remembered how to shoot the basketball. Unfortunately, so have the Wizards. Looks like the two-headed, white-wig-wearing dog monster known as CarAntawn is heating up. By the way, Brandon has six steals.

8:31 – Just so you guys know, “GRED ODEN” cups are now available for purchase at McDonald’s. Nicely done, CSN graphics designer.

8:33 – Nicolas does his best Dominique Wilkins impression off another Sergio assist. I actually shivered when he threw that one down.

8:34 – I’M OLD GREGGGGGG!!!! Sergio has six dimes in six minutes of second half play. And there’s ANOTHER dunk from Greg, this time off an unbelievable touch pass from Aldridge. Man, we’re moving the ball around like we warmed up to Sweet Georgia Brown tonight.

8:41 – We’ve regained that first-quarter swagger. Excellent energy out of the first unit here to start the second half. 66-44, Blaze.

8:46 – Rice comments on Nic’s “grace” and “agility.” Agreed.

8:47 – Songaila tries to infect Pryz, but instead just ends up fouling him, thank God.

Fourth Quarter

8:54 – An injured DeShawn Stevenson makes an on-screen cameo. He’s sporting a bowtie and a blue crushed velvet jacket. Hmmm. Maybe he lost a bet, or…oh, wait, I KNOW. He’s probably friends with Kanye! Duhhhh.

9:10 – Just in case you were, um, distracted by my – I mean, YOUR – roommate’s new laptop fixation, “Jetpack Brontosaurus,” I’ll give you a quick recap of the last 15 minutes.

- Roy hit from 16, pushing the lead back to 20.

- Rudy is 0-7, and the bench is 1-16. Yes, that’s correct. Our bench is shooting 6.5 percent from the field. Woof.

- The Wiz drilled back-to-back threes to cut the lead to 14 with 9:30 to go.

- The answer to the Aflac Random Stab was Wes Unseld. Why didn’t I think of that? It’s always somebody who used to play for the team we’re currently playing. Maybe I should call Sylvan Learning Center.

- Greg has 18 points and 14 boards. It feels like he’s got about 9 dunks, too. Anyway, back to the game:

9:11 - Rudy finally hits an open three, and Brandon swipes his eighth and NINTH steals!! Holy crap. He’s got 22/6/6 and nine steals…wait…TEN STEALS!! That's not possible! That’s an NBA JAM stat line!!

Unreal. Just unreal.

9:14 – Back-to-back Wiz threes cut it to 14 with two minutes to go. Why can’t we ever step on an opponent’s throat? Frankly, it’s getting pretty annoying. Nate seems to feel the same way. I would NOT want to be in that huddle right now.

9:18 – It’s 96-84, and the Rose Garden is rabid with Chalupa lust. Travis steals, scores, and then scores again on the next possession!!! Cha-lu-pas! Cha-lu-pas!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Final Score

Blazers 100
Wizards 87

Final Thoughts

- Brandon set a franchise record tonight for steals in a single game. God, he’s so cool.

- Greg has arrived. I’m crowing his ass. He is who I think he is. Old Greg is also Rapidly Maturing Greg. Beware, rest of the Association, for many dunks and blocked shots are coming your way.

That's it, maniacs. Nice win tonight. Good effort out of everybody. High fives.

Now go out and buy some rotten fruit to throw at Zach on Monday.

Update: To read a equally funny and well-written play-by-play of last night's game, check out Truth About It for a Wiz fan's point of view.

Top 5: The Dog Guy

Joe pointed this out to me today. I thought you might like to know that Bill Simmons' dog died.

Oh, what's that? You don't care? Wow. Imagine that. Here you were, looking for a sports column, and instead you ended up with a great big heaping pile of sentimental memories. How disappointed you must be.

Here's an excerpt of my IM conversation with Joe during which he sent me the link to the article in question. As you can tell, Joe was a little...um...animated, let's say.

Striker: we should make a quick note
Striker: about how bill simmons has written quite possibly the least-relevant article ever posted on espn
Blade: really?
Blade: what'd he write about?
Striker: his dog died
Blade: oh no
Striker: and he wrote an incredibly long rambling article about it
Striker: which they link to off of the front page
Striker: i mean
Striker: come ON
Striker: yes, thats sad
Striker: fine
Striker: whatever
Blade: i swear to god, simmons has the greatest job in the entire world
Blade: better than the president. better than King of Persia.
Striker: im not going to read a f---ing 2500 article on your f---ing dog that i have no attachment to and have never heard a single thing about in my life
Striker: jesus christ
Blade: carte blanche, dude
Striker: f--- espn for posting that garbage
Blade: he can do whatever he wants
Blade: with no consequences
Blade: none
Striker: f--- him for being so goddamn high and mighty that he thinks everyone else gives a f---
Striker: well yes he CAN do whatever he wants
Striker: we can write whatever we want on our blog
Blade: right
Striker: but we wouldnt do it
Blade: no
Striker: because it would be f---ing retarded
Blade: preach it
Striker: anyway
Striker: thats my rant
Striker: he can have whatever ridiculous opinions he wants, about whatever sports he wants
Striker: but for gods sake
Striker: WRITE ABOUT SPORTS

Look, as a former regular reader of the Sports Guy, I have to give him his due. His informal, stream-of-consciousness style of writing was fun to read and gave me something to aspire to as an 18-year old sports fan and writer. I imagine it's pretty clear to all fifteen people who read my stuff that my writing style is basically a cheap Sports Guy knockoff, which I'm fine with. Simmons is funny, and a ton of people read his stuff.

We may not always agree with his opinions, and we may think that often times he writes with about as much humility as Judge Smails plays golf, but all that would be forgivable if he would just go with what brought him to the dance.

Is it sad his dog died? Absolutely. That sucks. Bill, If you need to take some time off and write something in order to deal with your loss, we totally understand.

But I don't want to read about it on ESPN.

I know you're not a journalist, and I'm not saying you should be. Actually, I can't think of anything I'd rather be less than a journalist right now. But you ARE a sports writer for America's biggest sports media outlet, and it seems like you've been forgetting that fact more and more frequently.

It's fine if you don't want to write straight sports. Mixing personal anecdotes and pop culture references into the body of a column provides color and is hands down more entertaining to read than a stat sheet. Or, if you want to get more serious and write about life and death, that's OK, too. The piece you wrote about Jas Shaw's death was excellent. Outside of the 800 words you spent recapping the plot of "The Wire," I mean.

Bill, the bottom line is this: I'm afraid after reading that column that I can no longer halfheartedly defend you. Like my quasi-allegiance to the Kansas City Chiefs for no reason other than Joe Montana being traded from my beloved Niners, so too must my sometime loyalty to Bill Simmons die painfully in the fires of sports hell.

Am I just as bad for devoting an entire post to why I'm upset with Bill Simmons, even though he has no idea who I am? Actually, I think that makes me worse. Ah, screw it. So, I'm a hypocrite. That's not such a bad thing to be, right? And this list is going to be so much fun.

Here are the top five things we're tired of Bill Simmons writing about instead of sports:

5) House, The Guy Who Knows Things, and "that one time in Vegas..."

I don't care about the text that House just sent you, Bill. I really don't. But you know what I care about even less? That incredible run you had at the blackjack tables at 4 AM that one time. Write about sports.

4) That cute thing that his daughter did - aka "How can I reconcile my love for my little girl with my hatred for the WNBA."

I'm sure your daughter is lovely, Bill. We get it. You're a dad. Things are changing for you. We all hate the WNBA. Write about sports.

3) His dog, now, apparently.

For the love of God, write about sports.

2) "You guys know I totally worked on Jimmy Kimmel Live, right? It was pretty much the coolest thing in the ENTIRE WORLD."

Blah, blah, blah. Cousin Sal. Adam Corolla. Blah blah. Matthew McConaughey.

Write about sports.

1) The Sports Gal

We have our own wives and girlfriends, Bill. Well, not me, because I'm a huge loser...but a lot of your readers have their own wives and girlfriends, Bill. They understand the difference between men and women. They read sports in order to ESCAPE the nagging and the US Weekly and the Dr. Phil, not to read about how you're suffering through all that during your personal adventure in marriage.

Write...well, you know.

Running Diary - Lebron vs. Blazers

What better way to cure a massive bout of diary-ah than with some extra strength running game diary of our beloved Trail Blazers versus the Cleveland Lebron? None, I say. So here we go:

Pre-game Thoughts:

- I can already tell, the emotions in this game are going to run high. After what happened last year on this court, you know the Blazers are looking for revenge. The Cavs have a less-than-perfect road record, with all 8 of their losses coming off away games. I wouldn’t call it bad blood, but it is definitely spirited rivalry at the least.

- In order for Greg to have an effective night he needs to STAY OUT OF FOUL TROUBLE. This means perimeter defense on Lebron, Mo Williams, and other drivers to keep Oden from picking up fouls. There, I’ve told you what to do. Now do it.

- Hand in hand with my previous bullet is this: make Lebron shoot from outside. He’s shooting 29% on three-pointers this season. Make him beat us from there.

- I just found out that us lucky league pass watchers are being treated to the Cleveland broadcast, so get ready for more “L-Trains,” “Throw the hammer downs,” and “In the Rose Gardens” than a sane man can take. Seriously, Austin Carr is the most annoying man on the planet. More on this to come.

- They are showing the Blazer introductions. Cool.

- LaMarcus is wearing a white headband instead of his usual black. If he has a bad game I’m blaming the headband.



First Quarter:

I hate this pre-game Lebron “look how cool I am I’ll make a commercial about me clapping chalk and make a billion dollars” routine. If you got chalk in Mike Rice’s bourbon he is going to freak…actually no, he probably won’t notice.

11:40 – Lebron fires from deep. This is exactly what we want.

11:25 – Aldridge hits a long jumper. I’m pretty sure I have written those words in the opening minutes of every game diary I’ve written.

10:50 – OLD GREG blocks Lebron’s layup from the left side. I pee a little.

10:38 – Anderson Varejao draws an offensive foul on Greg. What’s the over/under on garbage foul calls drawn by Varejao on Greg? I’m thinking 2.5.

Sidenote: Word on the street is that Monty Mccutchen, one of tonight’s referees, calls more fouls on the home team than any other referee at 51.6%. Great.

9:30 – Sergio hits a 3 from the corner. Yes, he is not a particularly good three-point shooter, but announcers touting his 29% from behind the arc fail to note that about 1/10 of his threes come from half court or further at the end of quarters. The Cleveland Lebron leads, 8-6.

Also, Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: They chastise Sergio for shooting a three, while Lebron is shooting an incredible 1% better from range.

9:07 – Varejao holds the ball above his head and jumps several times. In America, we call that a “travel.” This is an important concept for basketball players.

Sidenote: Anderson Varejao is an elementary school lunch lady. Someone get that man a hair net. Think of the children!

7:08 – Aldridge and Batum miss consecutive open jumpers, but Greg grabs an offensive board and finishes with a flush. Good aggressiveness on the boards ties the game at 12.

5:35 – Lebron hits an 18-footer, making it three in a row from outside. Batum is forcing Lebron outside like we want; unfortunately he’s making all his shots anyway. I don’t know what to do.

A commercial for Labatt Blue Light. I believe this beer is formed by the bonding of two hydrogen atoms with one oxygen atom. I like ‘em straight from the Brita filter.

Sidenote: Apparently Daniel Gibson likes to shave various things into his head. This sounds like a Cleveland team prank waiting to happen. They should shave a boob into his head. Get it, cause he’s Boobie? Shut up.

4:45 – Aldridge hits back-to-back shots: a running hook followed by a 10 footer. He’s got 8 early points.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: “Bayless wasn’t playing at the beginning of the year, and he was not happy about it.” This is just a complete lie. He wasn’t playing because HE IS A ROOKIE THIRD STRING POINT GUARD.

2:46 – Wally Szczerbiak grabs Przybilla by the arm like a useless female in a horror film trying to distract the mutant serial killer before it kills her boyfriend. Pryz simply taps in LMA’s miss and draws the foul. Oh, and he’s still going to kill Wally’s boyfriend.

1:31 – SICK dribble move by Sergio between his legs from behind to split the defenders but Aldridge misses the easy finish. LMA, you’re killing Sergio’s stat line.

0:00 – Wally hits a three with 7 seconds left, but Batum answers with a long jumper to end the quarter. The Lebron leads, 28-25.



Second Quarter:

Ok folks, this has waited too long. Troof must come to the light. Mike Brown IS Mr. Potato Head. It’s good to know that an assembled plastic toy is currently the popular choice for coach of the year. Dammit.













11:48 – Rudy hits a 3. In case you haven’t noticed, Rudy has made a three in 40 of the 41 games he has played and is currently in position to break the record for most three pointers in a season by a rookie (this record is currently held by Kerry Kittles). Also he is on pace to impregnate the most women with his mind in a season by a rookie (this record is not held by Kerry Kittles).

In my quick searching of Kerry Kittles I found this, which is far funnier:




HAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHA. Hahaha. Ha. Woooooooo.

10:19 – Newsflash: JJ Hickson appears to suck. He has 3 fouls.

9:55 – Mo Williams hits an open three in transition. Our three-point defense has been dreadful all year, and this is one team that we really can’t afford to give up open looks to.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: I have decided that Austin Carr is in fact the Scat Man. Both speak unintelligible gibberish, yet are somehow famous and somewhat respected. Both are incredibly annoying. The Scat Man made one song and disappeared. Can Austin Carr disappear? Please?

Quick excerpt from the song “The Scat Man”:

-Scatting-

I’m the scat man!

-Scatting-

I’m the scat man!

-Scatting-

Wee bababadabo bababadabo x4

-Scatting-

Glorious.

5:47 – Lebron is called for a carry. A tear opens in the space-time continuum. Lebron whines like a baby. The rift closes, all is back to normal.

4:35 – Lebron goes to the rack, resulting in the Scat Man saying something like “Scatbabadoodbie L-train! Skeebabadopeadope in the Rose Garden!”

3:35 – Roy drives to the hoop and flips in a running jumper, but he’s been quiet offensively so far. Blazers trail, 41-38.

3:20 – Lebron catches a backdoor alley-oop off a Mo Williams lob. He then stands there, arms outstretched, basking in his own glory. I am seriously disgusted by how much he loves himself.

0:25 – Mo Williams hits an impossible baseline shot over LaMarcus’ hand in his face. He is now 7-8 from the field, for 18 points. God. Dammit.

0:03 – I liked this play. Brandon stood at the top of the arc, idly dribbling time off of the clock. The Cleveland defense obviously scooted toward the middle to prepare for the Brandon drive. So, with two seconds on the shot clock, Brandon faked toward the basket and dished it to the side to Outlaw for the open three. Boom baby.



Halftime:

Unfortunately, the Blazers trail 53-45 after showing glimpses and then lapses of good defense.

- We allowed 6 points in the first 7 minutes of the second quarter, and 18 points in the last 5 minutes. Interestingly, Lebron was out for the first four minutes of the quarter. Is that interesting? Maybe not.

- Wally has 8 rebounds. Aldridge has 1 rebound. What’s wrong with this picture?

- The Cleveland Lebron is shooting 56% from the field. That better come way down or we are toast.

- Weeeee babadoobo deepbadabingo.



Third Quarter:

11:25 – Greg gets called for a foul after Varejao literally picked up Oden’s arm and dropped it on his face. This is just pathetic. Flopping I can handle, at least when a player attempts to create the illusion of contact by taking a charge when there isn’t enough contact. But this? This is just being that punk who is waving his arms around and poking you in the kidneys during a pick-up game. Varejao is just bitter because there were no leftover bean burritos after lunch.

8:52 – Lebron hits a 17-footer. The plan of keeping Lebron in front and making him a jumpshooter? Not working so well. He’s hit three long jumpshots already this quarter.

Cavs Announcers Idiocy Watch ’09: “Break out the 20,000 crying towels, cause the Blazer fans are whining for every call." 30 seconds later both announcers cry out about a "flagrant" foul on Pryz which did not happen.

8:40 – Brandon takes an off-balance leaner late in the shot clock that misses completely, but Batum is there on the put back dunk! So sweet. 59-54, Cavs lead.

5:00 – Lebron hits back-to-back three pointers. The Scat Man murmurs something in scat. I begin preparing a bag of scat to throw at the Scat Man in case I ever see him.

3:15 – Aldridge faces up Varejao nicely and drops a 13-footer on his face.

1:05 – Bayless elevates and hits from 19 feet. Apparently Bayless is playing!

Here is Lebron's shot chart from the 3rd quarter:



So...we've stayed in front of him and made him a jumpshooter...it just isn't working anyway.



Fourth Quarter:

It’s a 74-69 Lebron lead, and if the Blazers don’t get some consistent play on both sides of the ball we are in trouble. As good as Roy is in the clutch in a close game, we don’t want a repeat of last year’s game.

Mike Brown has his googly-eyes in.

9:52 – Bayless hits two free throws and then makes a CIRCUS layup under two Cavs defenders. Man, at what point in a game do we just abandon all offensive sets and just let Bayless and Roy drive and dish? …maybe that is the offensive set.

8:25 – After two more Bayless free throws, Greg “fouls” Lebron to pick up his 5th and Nate immediately pulls him to save him for clutch minutes.

Oh. My. God. A commercial for www.FarmersOnly.com just aired, with the jingle: “You don’t have to be lonely, at farmersonly.com." I’m speechless.

6:46 – Roy goes left, finishes, and draws the foul. It’s looking like this finish might be the Roy/Lebron showdown. I don’t like those odds. That said, we’ve taken the lead, 82-81.

5:22 – Lebron hits AGAIN from three. If he is going to make ridiculous deep three pointers, I’m not sure there is anything we can do. 86-82, Cleveland.

2:55 – After trading baskets for a couple minutes, the Blazers begin trapping Lebron just across half court, forcing him to make a long pass inside. Unfortunately, that leaves us shorthanded to defend once the ball gets there. This time, though, Travis comes rushing back and unleashes a HUGE block on Lebron from behind. Portland cannot capitalize and then Mo Williams hits a 3 to put the Lebron up by 7.

That’s it folks. The Blazers hung around, making a couple threes and another basket, but the Cavs hit their free throws and held on to win. Brandon missed two driving layups in the last three minutes that would have been huge for us, but we can’t put this one on him. Our energy level, while good for periods of time, was not enough down the stretch.

The fabled Cleveland defense was in full force, holding the Blazers to 40% shooting on the night. Blake certainly would have helped us spread the defense tonight, as we were only 7-22 from behind the arc. Get well, buddy!



Final Score: Lebron 102, Blazers 98

Final Tally:
“L-trains” – 16.
“In the Rose Gardens” – 13
“Throws the hammer downs” – 9 (somehow, off of 4 dunks).

Until next time, skoobapadeedop biddibapapapow!

Quick Update: Mailbags and Top 5s

What’s up, maniacs? Tough break tonight, what with all the collusion and corruption and whatnot. I mean, seriously, how is that fair? How can David Stern review the tape of that game and still say that his officials are 90 percent accurate? Give me a break. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: just about every NBA ref subscribes to chaos theory. This works out is great if you’re, say, the LA Kobe or the Cleveland Lebron, because the only consistent factor in the nonlinear equation that is the basketball game is this: when in doubt, give the superduperstar the call. If you happen to be a hardworking group of scrappy youngsters, however, it sucks pretty bad.

Sidenote: Hey Scott. So…I think I might have accidentally broken your Playstation controller when the refs sat on their whistles after BronBron plowed over Pryz in the fourth quarter. I…uh…dropped it. Accidentally, that is. So…um…sorry about that, man.

Now, to business. Since enough of you have been kind enough to read this putrid excuse for a sports blog, I’ve decided to use my Head Stopper powers to create a mailbag segment titled “Droppin’ Q's: Electromailers Wanna Know.”

Actually, you know, now that I’m reading that in print, it kind of sucks. Damn, that sounded so freaking cool in my head, too. Well, this is embarrassing. Um, I guess we’ll just call it “The Mailbag,” then. Or even just “Mailbag.” Yeah.

Anyway, send in your hoops questions, comments and concerns to this address:

mikewhitman33@gmail.com

You send 'em, and we’ll answer them quicker than you can spell Drazen Petrovic. But wait, there’s more!

We’re starting yet another new segment here at Kobestoppers called “Top 5,” wherein we count down our top fiveiest thoughts regarding any and all aspects of the NBA. Luckily for you guys, our inaugural effort is a doozy:

Top 5 Dunks we want to see Rudy pull off in the competition

Just to preface, here’s the IM conversation I had with Joe a few days before Rudy was voted into the contest:

Blade (12:39:07 PM): man, if rudy gets voted in
Blade (12:39:32 PM): how the heck is he going to win that thing???
Striker (12:39:38 PM): he wont
Striker (12:39:41 PM): he cant
Blade (12:39:43 PM): he gets up, don't get me wrong
Blade (12:39:56 PM): but it's impressive because he's ostensibly a short white guy
Blade (12:40:14 PM): and he does lots of his stuff off back pick alleyoops
Blade (12:40:34 PM): but it won't be 360s and freethrow line dunks
Striker (12:40:44 PM): no probably not
Blade (12:40:45 PM): or between the legs or any of that stuff we've gotten used to
Striker (12:40:49 PM): he cant win
Striker (12:40:51 PM): theres no way
Blade (12:41:03 PM): i want him to be in the 3 ball contest too
Striker (12:41:15 PM): he would be much better in the 3point contest
Striker (12:41:16 PM): much better

Now, before you all form an angry mob and light torches and burn us at the stake, just know that our Rudycrush has not faded even in the slightest. If anything, our concern for Rudy is so great that we’re both freaking the hell out about Rudy getting embarrassed by superior athletes. Also, if you haven’t thought about Rudy’s chances and gotten at least a little worried, then you’re lying to yourself.

But do not fear, dear readers, for we have a plan. In order for Rudy to become the NBA’s resident Rocky Balboa, he’s going to have to win with something other than pure athletic ability. Remember, he’s dunking against this guy. The bottom line is that Rudy has to get creative. All preconceived notions of what a dunk can or should be must be completely abandoned. Basically, Rudy has to reinvent the wheel. Difficult? Of course. But it’s not impossible. Spud did it in ’86, Vince did it in ’00, and we already touched on what Superman did last year. Here are five dunks that could possibly net Rudy that trophy:

5) “Over The Rainbow” – Chances are, you’ve already heard Ben’s report on BE regarding Rudy’s mastery over the rainbow kick. If he can pull this off, it’ll be jaw-dropping. We saw a little taste of the Eurofoot dunk-style from Nash and Stoudamire, but if Rudy lobbed it to himself with the rainbow and threw it down backwards, we’d be in uncharted territory. Speaking of which…

4) “Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country” – If the rainbow lob is the jab, then this has got to be the right cross. Imagine Rudy coming out of that handspring and exploding toward the rim at light speed. Can Rudy do this move? I have no idea. Is it even physically possible to dunk after doing this? Again, no clue. I’m not a scientist, but I do know this: the more flips you do, the higher you score. So Rudy, get to flippin’.

3) “The Heart Throb” – OK, this is sort of a long one, so bear with me. Rudy starts on the wing, wearing some type of tuxedo T-shirt. He’s holding a big bouquet of roses and sporting some of those fancy-shmansy euro-style shades. He lobs the ball high in the air, allowing himself time to rip off his shirt and cast the floral arrangement aside. As the ball hangs in the air, we notice that he has something written across his brawny, masculine chest: “TO MY SWEETHEART, LOVE RUDY.” Only then do we notice the stealthy but precise Sergio holding a Polaroid (assuming they can get a hold of some of that extinct film), capturing the photogenic Rudy just as he throws down a reverse jam. After Rudy comes down from a lengthy hang on the rim, he calmly produces a Sharpie from his sock, signs the picture, and gives it to some lucky lady courtside. This wouldn’t be the first time the “lob the ball and take my shirt off” dunk has been performed, but it would be the coolest variation to date. If Rudy also happened to have the words “VOTE ME” written huge on his back, I think this one would get some 10's.

2) “El Matador” – Corral a bull onto the court and dunk over that motherf---er. It’s as simple as that. 50.

1) “Cosas Buenas” aka “The Chip Douglas” – Sergio stands at the free throw line facing the basket. Rudy floats around half court. As Rudy makes his break for the basket, Sergio bounces the ball straight down and flings himself down on his hands and knees. Rudy then launches off of Serge’s back, picks the ball out of the air like a nectarine, and glides through the air like a Spanish condor before throwing it down with flair. Two points of interest: First, it would be extremely difficult to nail down this timing, Spanish telekinesis or no. Second, I’m not sure if this is actually legal. In fact, it’s probably not. But I figure, hey, if they’re going to allow Howard’s Superman “dunk” (really, more of a toss) based simply on the fact that it was the coolest thing in the history of the world, I imagine they’d look the other way for Rudy as well.

Think you’ve got a better one? Send it to us.

Now get out of here, you filthy animals. Navigate to a real basketball site and start preparing for those Wizards. What’s that? No, there are no “easy” games. You…what? Oh, well, because God might suddenly heal the Hibachi, that’s why. Just…shut up and stop asking me questions.

Except for the mailbag questions. Feel free to ask those.